COVID-19 has brought out my inner introvert. I’ve been able to partially retreat from the world, aside from the Zoom calls and typical work stuff, and I feel a bit of relief. Truth be told, I think I needed a break from constantly moving and striving and setting new goals, which is somewhat of a sport for people in L.A. But I also noticed that I’m retreating from my personal relationships, too.

I have not reached out as often as I should, despite thinking about my friends and family all the time. My relationships have suffered.

It feels too much right now, to offer a joke or upbeat phone call when inside I’m struggling to figure out what is happening and what it all means. What I’m supposed to do. How I can protect the people I love. Instead, I retreat.

Let me be clear. COVID-19 has brought up a lot of emotions for people around the world. Many of us are struggling to get through the day and sheltering at home (what day is it anyway?). If we’re lucky, we can work from home, but there are so many people who don’t know where the next rent payment will come from or who are working on the frontlines during the pandemic, just trying to keep it together. I’m in a good place, all things considered. I do not take it for granted. There are many things to talk about here, but I’m going to focus on our collective relationship challenges in quarantine.

Quarantine has been difficult. As we are already starting to see, a month or two of lockdown was too much for many people. We’ve started easing our self-imposed restrictions and going to parks, to the beach, or taking long drives to play in a field of poppies. Some people have protested lockdown altogether, calling for society to return to “normal” — whatever that might look like.

I think underlying this need to “get out” is really our collective need to be with each other.

Having virtual tools at our disposal has helped. There are so many people using dating apps, and Tinder reported its best day ever with 3 billion swipes in late March. People are now virtual dating to meet others – whether it’s over Zoom or FaceTime or a dating app. People adapt so they can connect. But still, there is something missing.

We took for granted all the access we had to connect with people before COVID-19.

It was easy to reach out to others over social media or a dating app, to flirt without ever having to commit to meeting in person. Why waste time having drinks or a coffee when there were so many options? Why get together with a friend when you could text?

After two months in lockdown, I don’t care to do another Zoom call for the rest of time.

We have learned that we don’t have so much access – new relationships must stay virtual, at least for now. When we can see others, we have to be socially distant. We can’t just reach out and hug, or even offer a handshake. Maybe some people don’t care and are taking their chances, but most people aren’t willing to risk it.

For a long time, I assume we will be weary of getting too physically close. And I think this will change the way we look at relationships.

I think we will be more grateful for and accepting of each other. Maybe we won’t be so flakey and cancel plans at the last minute. Maybe we will want to spend real time together in person, not giving into distraction. Maybe we will put more effort into building romantic relationships instead of ditching them when it gets hard. Maybe we will choose to connect with people on a deeper level, instead of just keeping things light or breadcrumbing our way around commitment. Maybe we will be vulnerable enough now to love more.

I’m kind of hoping this lockdown brings back a sense of personal connection for us. That we don’t look at people as interchangeable and easily disposed of (like how we automatically swipe through a dating app when we’re bored or lonely), or that we put our phones down when we can once again see each other in person. That we celebrate connection, relationships, and being together.

Maybe my hesitation to reach out to friends isn’t about avoidance. My inner introvert is not ready to go back to the way it was. What I really want is something new, something better.

Maybe change starts with something simple, like reaching out to the people I care about to tell them how much they mean to me – before we are all back in the world, resuming its frantic pace. Retreating helped me in this way. It taught me to really value my friendships, my connection to others. The forced break gave me time to consider what’s most important.

XO,

Kelly

The post COVID-19 is Challenging Our Relationships, Maybe for the Better appeared first on Kelly Seal: Love, Dating, Wellness.

Happy Valentine’s Day! And also–happy belated Galentine’s Day. For anyone unclear on the history of this celebration, take a look at this clip from Parks & Rec…

For some Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean much, and others like to set the romance bar pretty high. While I’m all for indulging in chocolate, sexy underwear, five course dinners and a dozen roses for $5,000 – or whatever makes you happy this holiday – I also want to ask you to make room for ALL of the people in your life that you love.

This past year has taught me to be grateful for everyone in my life.

Each day that we wake up is a chance to make things right with those difficult people in our lives. A chance to rethink the way we approach a problem. A chance to love and offer compassion instead of anger and frustration. And a chance to thank those people who we sometimes take for granted.

Here’s the thing. There are times in our lives where we feel amazing – we fall in love, we but the new house, we go on a dream vacation – and other times where it’s hard to see past our current situation, to believe that things could be different, to think that anything could change. We dwell on all that is wrong, especially after a breakup, and don’t make room for happiness because there is so much pain.

Our friends remind us that we are loved and valuable no matter what. They are there through the pain and heartache.

Getting stuck is a part of life, and recently I’ve felt incredibly stuck. But then a friend of mine reminded me today…you are still crafting your narrative, Kelly. Why are you stressing when you are still writing your own story? You could turn the page and try something else.

It was like a cloud lifted off of me, to have someone say that to me. It put control of my choices back in my hands, and frankly I’d been giving those choices out to other people. (Rejection sucks, y’all.)

This is a gentle reminder that no matter how you feel this Valentine’s Day, there are people in your life that say just the right thing at the right moment.

Be grateful for these people. Be grateful for the friendships you have cultivated in your life. And if you’ve lost touch with someone? Pick up the phone and call. I’m sure they would love to hear from you.

Thanks to my friends, and happy Galentine’s Day!

XO,
Kelly

The post Happy (G)Valentine’s Day appeared first on Kelly Seal: Love, Dating, Wellness.

I’m still in denial about it being a new decade, but here we are. To be honest, I fell asleep before the countdowns even began on NYE. I knew that this new year would make demands on me – my energy, my time, my resolve, my self-worth. I’m still a little overwhelmed for what’s ahead.

Now I’m here for 2020.

I’m starting the new year off with a purge. I keep all of my old electronics in a box in my closet “just in case.” I’m not sure of what. Now, I’m trading them in. And I’m MariKondo-ing my desk, my closets, my garage. I’m done with all the extra things that weigh me down. Besides, I’m going to need the extra space in my life for this year. It feels right to do this.

Some of you who follow me on IG might have noticed I’m politically active. I’ve been protesting things my whole adult life (even when it was not so popular—has anyone heard of East Timor, or know much about the first Gulf War? Yeah, I protested those.)

The last few years I’ve been especially concerned. I know that a lot of us feel this way – scared about where we are headed as a country. Do we want to be divisive and fearful no matter the cost, or do we want peace, unity, and a working democracy? As it turns out, half of the country is OK with being divided. So, there’s a lot of work to do to bring people together, to give every person who has felt overlooked or invisible a chance to be heard. We need more voices at the table, not less.

The new year brings with it our need to speak out, to bring attention to challenges and problems we all face.

Politics isn’t something you can “stay out of” – it’s something that you are part of, that affects every aspect of your life. We don’t have much time in our daily lives, but this is important to remember in the new decade.

And then there are the normal demands of life coming in 2020 – work, family, time for pursuing the things I want. Yes, I’m trying to be organized and allow time for everything, but that’s another hurdle. There isn’t time for everything.

Most of the time, we have to choose what’s a priority. Even if it means neglecting something else.

I have some professional goals I don’t want to put off any longer. I’ve worked hard the past few years, and I don’t want it to be for nothing. So I’m making myself a priority. I don’t want to feel I’m wasting more time – I already feel like I’ve been wasting a lot of it on stupid stuff – like Twitter threads, IG scrolling, and wanting those likes and followers.

So as I enter 2020, I’m realistic about resolutions and that most of the time, we forget about them after a month. This time it feels important to make certain things a habit in my life, to the point where I just do and don’t think:

• Meditation
• 30 minutes creative writing
• 1-2 days/ month – volunteering with 2020 races
• weekly electronics cleanse – no social media, emails, etc.

Those are my goals for 2020. I will probably fail, but I’m going to try and make them a habit. What are you changing this year?

XO,

Kelly

The post It’s 2020. Are we ready for the new year? appeared first on Kelly Seal: Love, Dating, Wellness.

Hi all, I’m pleased to share this guest post from Kelly Jenson (another Kelly!), who writes about self-improvement and self-care. Here, she shares her thoughts on how to build back confidence after a relationship ends. We hope this is helpful if you are going through a breakup right now, especially during the holidays when it’s especially rough. Here’s her advice…

Break-ups are a tough thing to deal with, especially when you’ve been in a relationship with the same person for a long time. There’s a comfort that comes with being with the same person for so long— comfort in the way you look and comfort in knowing that you have a source of unconditional love and affection— that you likely never want to give up. But once you lose that, it can be difficult for you to regain the confidence and self-esteem you had before your relationship. The key to regaining that self-assurance is to find it in yourself. But how do you do that when you’re not sure where to start?

Spend Time With Yourself

You’ve probably noticed that you have more free time on your hands. Instead of trying to find someone else to spend that extra time with, enjoy spending it by yourself. Long-term relationships train your brain to start thinking in terms of “we,” but it’s important for you to retrain it to start thinking in terms of “me.” Look for activities that help you reconnect with your inner self, like joining a yoga class, keeping a journal, or taking yourself on dates, and other things where you’re tending to your wants and needs. No matter what you decide, learn to love spending time with yourself. That way, when you’re ready to start dating again you will already have a solid foundation of love from yourself that you won’t need it from someone else.

Start Your Glow Up

We’re not kidding when we say change up your look for a boost to your confidence! Even a hairstyle change can really make you feel good about yourself. It’s easy to let ourselves go a little when we’re in a long-term relationship— maybe you haven’t found a reason to see a hairstylist in a long time, you’ve stopped taking the time to do your makeup because they loved seeing your natural beauty, or you’ve gained a little extra weight after all those nights of staying in and getting take out. This is exactly why a break-up is a great motivator to start taking care of yourself again.

Take the time to research how to best take care of your body, like going to a hair salon to find the perfect cut for your face shape, watching YouTube to finally learn how to contour, or joining a helpful weight loss program that teaches you how to make healthier eating choices. Simply knowing that you put in the effort to look good for the day can boost your confidence, make you walk a little taller, and put a pep in your step!

Compliment Yourself

One of the worst parts about losing a long-term relationship is that you can no longer relay on your significant other for a compliment. Instead of trying to find that confidence boost from someone else, learn to give it to yourself. Affirmations are powerful, and it’s been scientifically proven that self-talk affects your self-image. This is why it’s so important to replace that negative voice in your head with a positive one.

A great place to start is to verbally give yourself one compliment every day, even when you’re not really feeling it. These compliments don’t only have to be about your appearance, either! If you did something nice for someone today, tell yourself how kind you are. If you had a great presentation at work, give yourself a pat on the back. If you got the final question on Jeopardy right, tell yourself how smart you are. Eventually, your brain will accept these words as the truth, and you will be overflowing with self-confidence.

Surround Yourself With People Who Love You

If finding nice things to say about yourself isn’t a strong suit of yours, then surround yourself with people who can do it for you. Your friends and family are perfect for reminding you of your worth when you’re not quite able to do it for yourself, and it’s always nice to hear from someone else why they enjoy spending time with you. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask to spend time with them if you’re feeling lonely or if you’re in need of a little companionship, and use their love as a guide to help you learn how to love yourself. 

About Kelly Jenson

Kelly is a copywriter who loves to give tips on all things dating and self-improvement. She now lives happily with her husband in a little-known city in the state of New York where she’s known to give the best advice in town.

The post 4 Ways to Build Your Confidence After a Breakup appeared first on Kelly Seal: Love, Dating, Wellness.

Breaking up with someone is one of the hardest things we can do in life (emotionally). We resist it, even when we know it’s for the best – that we end up in a happier, more fulfilling place. But oh my god, getting there isn’t fun.

Healing takes time, and humans are not patient.

We avoid our pain and hurt in several ways…by hooking up with people who don’t matter to us, by stalking our exes over social media to make sure that they haven’t started seeing someone new, by indulging more in drinking, weed, or whatever your vice happens to be. I wrote a little guidebook to help people walk through and get to the other side.

I’m not judging – we’ve all done this. Sometimes a bottle of wine and bingeing sad movies are what keep us from screaming in the middle of a park filled with families and people having fun. (Seriously, it’s hard to watch happy people when you aren’t happy.)

This is why we have to take a long-term view when we are knee-deep in depression. If we could step back from our immediate pain to see the path in front of us, to see where we want to go, then we can begin taking the steps to get there. But until then, we’re kind of stuck in our pain.

I see people fall back into relationships that aren’t good for them again and again. This is one of the hardest things about break-ups: we want the person we love to change, to act better, to be more respectful, to be…different. Then – we think – it will work! It’s hard to accept that the best parts of the person you fell in love with aren’t necessarily who your partner actually is. And sometimes we choose to ignore the red flags along the way and jump in head-first anyway. Why not take a chance on love when you feel the passion?

Love is always a chance. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take it.

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t always work out. This isn’t a reflection of you, your success rate, or the fact that you chose poorly. It just means that this particular relationship wasn’t meant to last longer. It means that you can move on to someone who’s a better fit, who brings out the best in you.

You might be rolling your eyes or cursing me right now, especially if you are in the middle of your pain. But take a step back, and look out towards that path to your future. It’s time to start walking one step at a time towards it. Your ex isn’t going to change just because you want that – we all have free will, which means we can stay stuck forever if we want.

The bigger question is, do you want to stay stuck in the current cycle of disappointment and pain, or do you want to move on?

This is a hard question to answer sometimes. We cling to our past, to what we know, even if it isn’t good for us. But just like loving someone requires us to take a leap into the unknown into something that may or may not work out, loving yourself requires the same leap, the same courage.

Take a chance on yourself and your future. Take that leap for you.

XO,
Kelly

The post Why is it so F***ing Hard to Move On After a Breakup? appeared first on Kelly Seal: Love, Dating, Wellness.

It’s women’s history month, so I’ve decided to do a little highlight on female-friendly (and female-owned) dating app Bumble.

Here’s the thing. I’m not getting paid, and this isn’t an ad. I’ve been following and writing about the dating app industry for years. I know a lot of what’s out there. Many apps are improving offerings for their users and are becoming more inclusive (shout out to Tinder for getting interracial emoji couples approved!).

But there’s pervasive bad behavior when it comes to dating apps, because honestly, men are mostly still in charge.

And dudes just don’t have the same online dating experience that women do. Women are more likely to be harassed, bullied, and sent unsolicited dick pics. When a woman rejects a man, she’s more likely to be verbally attacked via these apps.

Which is why I’m heartened when I see dating apps like Bumble acknowledging this and trying to do something about it.

I’m not trying to leave others out of this conversation. Take Coffee Meets Bagel, also female-owned and doing the right thing by its customers. More people are gravitating to these apps, which says something. But I’m choosing Bumble because every decision this company makes helps level the playing field between men and women.

Bumble is putting its money where its branding mouth is.

They have gotten into the content business, and are helping young female filmmakers with funding for their projects. Bumble has set up designated meeting locations so women can feel safe meeting strangers for the first time. Plus, they have expanded their app to include resources for employers and job seekers where they can exclusively search for women recruits.

Bumble has also been outspoken when it comes to advocating for legislation that fights digital sexual harassment.

Take a look specifically at Texas House Bill 2789. Bumble advocated for this, and even hired a lobbyist to help the larger problem they saw and were not able to address alone as a company – people, mostly women, complaining of pervasive bad behavior when they used dating apps.

If the bill passes, it could become a template for the nation to help stop people from sending unsolicited photos and lewd text messages.

CEO Whitney Wolfe Heard told Inc. Magazine: “”As long as there is still anyone on our product who is being mistreated, we have to do this. And others across the industry certainly aren’t taking the action.”

I have to say Herd is doing a lot more than most CEOs to protect and empower women in the online space.

Now, the company has set up a temporary space at SXSW where people can come and hang out and have a coffee. They can meet new people and form new business connections that otherwise might not be available. And Bumble has scheduled special events to engage attendees like a talk with Director Olivia Wilde.

So in honor of women’s history month, take a moment and download this app. Or at least look into what they are doing and see for yourself.

XO,

Kelly

The post Ladies, It’s Time to Switch to Bumble appeared first on Kelly Seal: Love, Dating, Wellness.

Before I begin, I have to explain what I mean by self-love.

I’ve had a rocky history with Valentine’s Day. When I was single, I used to dread its approach as a criticism of my personal life. In my thirties it was painful, considering I’d spent years having a hot-cold relationship with eHarmony and Match. I bought drugstore chocolate and drank with my friends, wondering what the secret was to finding someone dateable. I think you know what I mean.

And now that I’m married, I feel a sense of expectation surrounding Valentine’s Day. Not that my husband cares so much (thank goodness), but this holiday is built upon a premise of proving yourself. Specifically, proving you’re worthy of love – through bringing on the romance, getting the right gift, or figuring out how to celebrate in a big way without taking out a loan.

I’ve been struggling with Valentine’s Day because – as with the rest of my life – I struggle with expectations.

Let me be clear: when I was single, I felt expectations placed on me to hurry up and find someone already. I’m not blaming the people in my life, I placed this expectation on myself, too. I felt like there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t hold down a relationship. I floated from one person to the next, waiting for inspiration to strike.

Now that I’m married, I feel another kind of expectation – the pressure to perform. I mean, this is the day to spare no expense, book that table at Gjelina’s, open that nice bottle of wine, and have ah-mazing sex. This proves your love and dedication, and makes you a good partner.

Expectations are difficult to live up to.

Here’s the thing. Valentine’s Day is charged for many people. I like the whole “Galentines Day” trend as a counterpoint, but really, this is filled with expectations too. I have mixed feelings about all of it – am I a good wife, a good friend, a good person?

Perhaps we should reframe how we think about the holiday. This year, how about we treat Valentine’s Day as a day to encourage self-love instead? I don’t mean posting selfies of you looking fabulous on Instagram, I mean investing in your own personal growth.

Self-love is actually a hard thing.

It requires us to own our mistakes, and to forgive ourselves for the purpose of moving forward and living healthier lives. Self-love means that you practice loving and being kind to yourself despite the flaws – whether it’s how your thighs look in that dress, or that you go through periods of depression that affect the people you love, or that sometimes you can’t help but react in the moment and don’t realize how much your words can hurt others.

I recommend being kind to yourself this Valentine’s Day. Instead of focusing on others’ expectations, or why you’re single, or what you can do to show your love to your partner – try doing things that bring you joy. Maybe that’s taking a long bath, reading a good book, talking with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, or just spending time alone. Think about what works for you.

If you’re a romantic and celebrating Valentine’s Day with your love is your thing, then do it. I’m not advocating for you to abandon your plans. But I do feel strongly that it’s a good time to reflect on your own happiness and how you can cultivate that outside of a relationship. Is there something that prevents you from fully giving and receiving love?

As Marianne Williamson said, “Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.”

We have this time right now to deeply appreciate and respect the love in our lives – from friends, family, or a significant other. There’s no denying the joy we get from others. But only by deeply appreciating our own journeys and cultivating our own happiness can we learn from our mistakes and unhealthy patterns. Understanding and forgiving ourselves allows us to move forward and experience more loving interactions with each other.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

XO,

Kelly

The post A Focus on Self-Love This Valentine’s Day appeared first on Kelly Seal: Love, Dating, Wellness.

Resolutions are out. Setting “intentions,” New Year’s goals, and other user-friendly language is in.

Instead of berating ourselves for falling off the wagon in dry January – allowing ourselves a couple more drinks because we’re already cheating – why not offer ourselves another chance to get it right?

This is where my New Year’s Goals 2.0 come in.

Personally, I start the New Year off with good intentions to be better organized, to work out more, to spend more time pursuing passions and things that make me happy. We are all to some extent highly motivated with the idea of the fresh slate, the promise of a new start that a new year gives us. But then i fail and it all goes south. Work gets busy, I stop going to the gym, I eat what’s convenient and not what’s healthy.

I don’t think I’m alone in feeling like a failure when it comes to resolutions. 

Most of us retreat to our old habits when we experience a setback or feel too lazy to make a real change. This is natural – (Better the pain you know than the pain you don’t know, right?) This doesn’t mean that we can’t still move forward. I have to remind myself that baby steps are key to success.

I like the idea that New Year’s goals should be centered around what you value – your time, your relationships, your passion projects – and not just checklists.

Regardless of your goals, patience is necessary. I hate being patient, but there it is. (Something else I will work on this year…)

So I’ve come up with a three-part process to help me make real, lasting changes.

Here are the steps to help you achieve those New Year’s goals:

Set short term goals with a long-term focus.

Instead of saying you’ll get a trainer or work out five times a week because you want to lose twenty pounds, think of your current fitness routine and increase it in increments. If you only go to the gym once a week, then try twice a week, or add walks 2-3 times per week to get your body used to moving. Set your weight goals conservatively – maybe a pound or two per month until you can increase your exercise and do more. Don’t try and upend your current routine overnight – this doesn’t last. Instead, think of your goals in bite-sized, manageable steps that fit into your lifestyle – but that you can increase over time.

In terms of dating, it works like this: login to your dating app an extra night per week. Send out five messages instead of two. Set a date for one extra night per month or per week. In other words, increase your dating activity so you can meet more people, but don’t go crazy and burn yourself out. Consistency is the key.

Note the progress, no matter how small.

There are studies that point to how positive reinforcement works much better in teaching young children healthy habits than reprimanding them for bad behavior. When you reward a child for doing something right, chances are they will do it again because they seek the positive attention. It works the same way with adults. Nobody likes to be told they are doing something wrong, or they failed. We give up, we rebel. So why would you do that to yourself?

Instead of noting all the times you failed to get to the gym or ate that extra cupcake, try noting the times you DID get to the gym, or walked an extra ten minutes, or ordered a salad instead of a giant bowl of pasta. The point is to remind yourself of your progress, not just your failures. We are all much more motivated by achievement, so remind yourself of your own, no matter how small.

Also remember that to be happy, focus on the journey, not the destination.

Forgive yourself.

At some point, you’ll regress. You will skip your workouts or log off your dating apps. You’ll feel busy and less organized. You’ll wonder why you thought you could change anything when the same demands are placed on you each day. But you can get back up and try to change things all over again.

In my opinion, you should think of the start of every month as a chance to reset. You have a new opportunity to create healthy patterns and say no to old habits. Instead of beating yourself up, set a new goal and try again. We fail many times in life, but what’s more important is the motivation to get back up again. This is your opportunity to build your resilience, your strength, and your consistency. Give yourself a break, forgive, then get back up and try again.

Happy New Year!

XO,

Kelly

The post New Year’s Goals 2.0 – A New Way to Approach Resolutions appeared first on Kelly Seal: Love, Dating, Wellness.

Photo by Courtney Hedger on Unsplash

These are interesting times in America. And by interesting, I mean politically divided. If you are a Republican or Democrat, it’s become increasingly harder to share your allegiances with potential dates. However, because of our charged discourse – most daters require that you do.

Your political involvement could make or break your new relationship.

OkCupid say this is especially true for Millennial daters. The company analyzed over 300,000 answers from OkCupid users and found that 85 percent of millennial men and women said voting was “extremely or very important” to them.

85 percent.

This stat comes a few weeks away from midterms elections. Many news outlets are pointing to Millennials and saying they aren’t interested in voting. But if their politics are really impacting their personal lives, it seems they would vote for causes and candidates they believe in. Many have been on the ground phone banking and raising money for local candidates that they can get behind. There is momentum, despite the stereotypes. And this energy and activism bleeds into their personal lives, too.

Melissa Hobley, chief marketing officer at OkCupid, told USA Today that “voting with your dating app” reflects a growing trend among millennial users.

“Your politics matter, and millennials voting in the bedroom is a thing,” Hobley said.

Hobley also noted that since President Donald Trump’s inauguration, OkCupid has seen a “massive spike” in political terms on user profiles. Many daters use certain keywords to indicate allegiances and filter out profiles.

Interestingly, female voters are more concerned that their dates be politically active. It’s even more important than than voting for the same candidates. The study pointed out that 77% of men would date people who are non-voters, compared to 46% of women who said they wouldn’t date a non-voter.

The #MeToo movement plays a role in this gap. Many women are feeling their protections and rights are at risk.

Dating is definitely impacted by our politics, and this won’t be going away anytime soon. I’ve written about reaching across the aisle to engage with dates who had political differences. While it would be nice to say we should engage people who don’t think like us, (and dating is a particularly good way to engage), this is no longer the case. More people are retreating into their political silos, for better or for worse.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, though. Politics are often the frame in which we choose our values. Dating is also value-driven, and we seek those who share the same. Values underly our actions.

That said, it might improve your dating life if you register to vote. And go to the polls November 6th.

XO,

Kelly

The post Politics Matter in Dating appeared first on Kelly Seal: Love, Dating, Wellness.

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Have you ever been ghosted? Did you find yourself unable to move past it? You’re not alone. Ghosting has become a bit of an epidemic among daters, and it’s not going away.

I watched the latest episode of Issa Rae’s Insecure last night (go out and binge this NOW). It covered the topic of ghosting so well – specifically how we react emotionally to being ghosted.

Ghosting is a practice where a person you’ve been dating suddenly, inexplicably disappears. They don’t answer your texts, they don’t call—and it can really mess with your head. You start thinking that you did something wrong, you said something wrong. Many times you can’t figure out why it happened. You wonder if you’re just cursed or unlovable in some way. And the worst part? You probably will never know exactly what happened, because many people don’t hear from their ghosters ever again.

Ghosting seems ridiculous, right? If you’re not interested in someone, why go out with them, lead them on, only to disappear?

This is the problem with ghosting. There’s no logical reason behind the behavior. Perhaps your date met someone new and didn’t consider it necessary to let you know (hey—you weren’t committed, right??). Or maybe they weren’t feeling so in love anymore. Maybe they were freaked out by the idea of getting serious. Who knows?? But this is the point – you’ll never know, and far too often, we waste a lot of time trying to figure it out.

Another ghosting complication is that if you’re friends on social media, you can see what they are up to without you. It might make your mind go into overdrive.

On Insecure, Issa is so consumed by her new love ghosting her that she goes to his house to snoop around. She wants to see if their connection was real, if she actually meant something to him. She finds his Coachella bracelet in a drawer and seems to get some reassurance that he was holding onto it for a reason – for her. But still, it left her feeling unsatisfied, heartbroken.

So many of us can relate to this. How many times have you fallen for someone who ended up disappointing you? Ghosting isn’t a fair practice, it’s bad dating behavior. While we expect people to do the right thing, to let us know if they aren’t interested, many people back away from this. They don’t want the conflict that comes along with confrontation.

Unfortunately, we don’t always get the resolution we want. It’s up to us to pick ourselves up and move on, which feels like punishment. But really, it’s empowerment.

Following are some steps to move past your ghosting experience:

Acknowledge that it happened.

While we can’t control someone else’s behavior or actions, we can control ours. When you have been ghosted, the first step is acknowledging it. If she isn’t returning your texts or calls, there’s not much you can do about it. It’s time to accept that it happened. Easier said than done, but it’s the first step in moving on. It helps to delete their contact information and unfollow them on social media, so you’re not tempted to check on them.

Stop blaming yourself.

It’s easy to go over all of the reasons why someone stopped texting or calling. You replay conversations in your head, you second-guess all of your actions. This is counter-productive. The ghosting isn’t about you, it’s about your date choosing to disappear. Nothing you did led to that particular action – that was your date’s bad choice.

Don’t let ghosting derail you.

This is even more important, because so often we get down and are jaded about finding love. Being ghosted is enough to make you doubt everyone’s sincerity – so don’t succumb to this trap. There are many good people out there, and you will meet them. You just have to move forward, one step at a time. Trust that you will open your heart again to someone more deserving, and you will.

Believe in love. It is out there. Ghosting will lead you to someone else who is more deserving of your heart.

XO,

Kelly

The post Ghosting: How to Move Past It appeared first on Kelly Seal: Love, Dating, Wellness.