What men truly need most when they lose isn’t a quick fix or a dismissal of the pain; it’s permission to grieve, space to express longing, and support that meets them where they are. The typical message to “be strong” too often means “don’t cry,” and that expectation can isolate a man in his sadness—leaving him to wrestle with anger, numbness, restlessness, or withdrawal instead of healing. The world around him may say go on, but inside he might ask: How do I go on when everything’s changed? The answer is not more pushing, but more presence: being with what is, acknowledging what’s gone, and gently opening to what can still be.

In this post, Dr. Ken explores how many men navigate loss, the hidden grief, the unspoken expectations, the real courage it takes to cry out instead of bottle up—and why vulnerability, community, and permission to feel become the unexpected pathways to resilience and wholeness.

Read Dr. Ken’s article, “How Men Deal with Loss, and What They Need Most” on Psychology Today.

For more information about how to turn adversity into opportunity, and how to go on after life’s most devastating challenges, buy Dr. Ken’s latest book, How We Go On: Self-Compassion, Courage, and Gratitude on the Path Forward.

(Image by Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke from Pixabay)

The post The Hidden Grief of Men: Why Breaking Silence Heals appeared first on Dr Ken Druck.

This well-intentioned habit—offering solutions when no one asked for them—can quietly erode trust and emotional safety. A casual “You should…” or “Why don’t you just…” can make someone feel unheard, dismissed, or judged, even when your goal is to support them.

I’ve seen it in my own life and relationships. One morning, I returned from a walk with a new perspective on a personal challenge. I shared it with my wife—not to be fixed, but to be seen and understood. Before I finished, she offered advice. And in that moment, I realized I’d done the same to her many times before.

Understanding this dynamic can be a game-changer for building stronger, more authentic connections. In my latest Psychology Today article, I explore what to do instead of rushing to fix—and how that small shift can transform your conversations and your relationships.

Read the full article here

The post Why Unsolicited Advice Pushes People Away appeared first on Dr Ken Druck.

DO’S

• Express your condolences. A simple, sincere “I’m so sorry for your loss,” a soft hand on their shoulder and/or a caring hug are usually perfect.

• Be present. Stay in touch even when others begin to disappear.

• Show you genuinely care through kind words and actions. It’s OK to also show them you care with your tears of sorrow.

• Be a safe harbor for them to express their feelings. Allow them to grieve without fear of being judged, analyzed, fixed, cured, saved or healed.

• Listen patiently and ask them open-ended questions to see how they’re doing, what they need and/or how you can be helpful

• Give them multiple choices of things you’d like to do to help. This way, they’ll know you’re serious. Listen intently and do what the

• Give the grieving person every opportunity to talk about the person who died. If given the chance, tell stories acknowledging their life, special qualities they possessed and their loving relationship with your co-worker.

• Ask them how they would like your support on special dates like their birthday, their “angel-versary” (day of their passing) or holidays.

• Show genuine concern, kindness, understanding, patience, empathy and compassion. A time to put your ego on the shelf and be of service to them.

• Stay humble, flexible, relaxed and at ease when you’re with them.

• Assist them in getting the grief support they need, including professional help from a grief counselor or coach – or a psychiatrist — if necessary.

• Let them ease their way back to work, a few hours at a time until they can handle longer stretches of sustained activity. Taking a “leave of absence” may be necessary.

• Set up a “back up” or “buddy” system at work in case they have a meltdown or need to step back from work during the first year.

• Invite them (without the least bit of pressure) to join you for lunch, coffee or a walk during a lunch break.

DON’T’S

• Don’t assume you know how they feel — or what they want.

• Don’t put a psychological, religious or spiritual spin on their loss.

• Don’t use clichés or “glass is half-full” “just be positive” messages.

• Refrain from anything that might be interpreted as a “hurry up,” “you’ll get over it,” “time heals all wounds” message.

• Don’t give unsolicited advice or play shrink with them.

• Don’t compare your loss to theirs.

• Do not suggest a quick fix to take away the pain.

• Don’t take it personally if they’re not responding to you the way you had hoped – and get an attitude. It’s not about you!

• Don’t allow your own feelings of helplessness, impatience or intolerance of their persisting sorrow to cause you to say something insensitive.

• Don’t ask how they’re doing, or any other casual question. Tell them they (and their family) continue to be in your good thoughts and prayers.

• Don’t control the conversation. Let them take the lead on what they wish to talk about and ask respectful, open ended questions to draw them out.

• Don’t avoid, gloss over, act cute, change the subject or pretend like nothing has happened – or that nothing was said.

• When they bring up the loss, respond in a way that shows them you were listening. And that you genuinely care.

• Don’t smother your co-worker with caregiving attention.

• Don’t hide, deny, repress, avoid, displace, dumb down or “medicate” the feelings of sorrow, anger or guilt that may have been triggered by their loss.

• Don’t make executive decisions about what they need without consulting them. Ask them what they would like to have happen.

If you like this, please share it! Please give credit to Ken Druck, PhD., author of How We Go On.

The post The Do’s and Don’ts of Grief Support appeared first on Dr Ken Druck.

The one many people are most interested in is “cultivating a spiritual relationship.” By a “spiritual relationship,” I am talking about the love we continue to share with someone who has died or has gone missing. I call it “the love that never dies.” We may not ever know with 100% certainty what happens after we die. Nor may we be sure about what will become of the love we have shared with them. But we can remain open to the possibility that our love will somehow transcend their death. We can continue talking to them, blowing kisses, reaching out to them, and loving them.

READ THE FULL ARTICLE ON PSYCHOLOGY TODAY, THE LOVE THAT NEVER DIES.

Image by Ri Butov from Pixabay

The post How Relationships Continue After Death appeared first on Dr Ken Druck.

Whether you’re at the epicenter of this turbulence, or you are sitting lightheartedly with a friend at Starbucks many thousands of miles away, figuring out how to go on with life while wars rage on and our nation is so dangerously polarized is no simple matter. Dealing with the horror, sorrow, fear, anger, outrage, and helplessness while still being able to function in our job, family, home, and community can be unspeakably challenging. We all have personal lives to attend to but living in the “dark ages” of 2023-2024 is beyond anything most of us have ever had to deal with.

Some of us are actually living in danger, fearful and being subjected to hate speech and threats where we work, go to school, shop, or pray. Radicalized protestors are turning school campuses, religious gatherings, malls and movie theatres into war zones. Violence and unrest in the Middle East, Ukraine, and some of our cities, leave us searching for the strength, courage and faith to rise above it all.

Here are a few things that I’ve been doing to take care of myself and be part of the solution, not the problem:

1. Stay out of emotionally charged conversations and situations that have absolutely no chance of becoming constructive.
2. Do my best to listen and maintain a voice of reason with those who are capable and willing to talk about what’s going on and how they are doing.
3. Remind myself that the willingness to listen, find common ground, and forge some degree of peace, understanding, and compassion is the antidote to escalating extremism and violence.
4. Take breaks from breaking news. Coming up for air by walking in nature, talking to trusted confidants, listening to calming music, and venting my outrage, fear, and sorrow in a constructive setting strengthens my resilience. I may also take a yoga class and just step away from the TV or Internet until I feel ready to check back in.
5. Do something that puts me on the solution side of matters and prevents me from feeling passive, indifferent, or helpless. This may involve staying informed using trustworthy sources, donating to humanitarian organizations, protesting and/or advocating for peace, and voting for leaders committed to forging peace.

The post How We Go On in a World of Constant Change appeared first on Dr Ken Druck.

In times of loss the holidays often become a time of inescapable pain and sorrow. Despite all the effort that goes into making the holidays special, the fear, anger, lostness, confusion, yearning and despair is inescapable. Figuring out how to get through the low tides, title waves, and tsunamis and somehow go on with our lives takes every ounce of strength, faith, courage we have. When the wind has been taken out of our sails and they prove to not be enough, we’re forced to summon newfound strength just to survive.

Navigating the holidays and getting ready to begin another year has been overwhelming for a new client of mine whose son was just murdered. Regularly scheduled holiday gatherings with family rituals, feasts, and renewals of faith with family members coming together from a four-state area, was now in question. The things that had been a source of joy and brought his brothers, sister, and their children  together for so many years, now seemed like a formula for disaster. The false hope that coming together would help he and his wife begin to heal together with the relentless commercialization of the holidays as a time of joy, made this once sacred time of joy feel like a time of unending sorrow.

So how do we navigate the holidays when faced with grief, sorrow, heartache, and uncertainty? Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Self-Care is Essential. Let go of the pressure you may be feeling to recreate the past. Grant yourself permission to opt out or modify the holiday rituals and gatherings that have provided great value in the past but may not be sensible or wise right now.
2. Schedule a time to talk with your family about the holidays. Calmly and patiently listen to what each of them has to say about what they feel it might be good to do, and not to do, during the holidays. Then, calmly hare your thoughts with them.
3. Give your family some time to process it all and decide what you’re going to do. Allow each family member to decide what might be best for them and give them your support.
4. Create simple and flexible plans to manage the logistics of the days and weeks that lie ahead as individuals and as a family.
5. Create a simple and flexible plan to support your emotional well-being at this profoundly vulnerable and difficult time.
6. Get the support that you need, especially if you’re not accustomed to asking for help. Find a trusted confidant with whom you can vent, cry, rail and explore your options. Schedule time with them.
7. Allow grief, sorrow, fear, memories, and yearnings to arise. Give yourself permission to find constructive outlets for expressing each of them.
8. Adopt a “No Pressure, Guilt, or Pleasing” self-care policy. Say “no” to things that don’t align with your needs, values, and timing. Say “yes” to things that feel right and lighten your heart.
9. Stay ahead of the pain curve by getting adequate rest, exercise, nutrition, support, and communication.
10. Discern between the things over which you have choice and those that are choiceless. Don’t try to control the uncontrollable.
11. Listen patiently without admonishment and criticism to your sorrow, fear, and uncertainty. Doing this will help you make good  choices grounded in critical thinking and well-processed feeling.
12. Be kind, patient, supportive, encouraging, courageous, and compassionate with yourself, rather than critical, impatient, condemning, and judgmental. Even more important than getting through the holidays, it will allow you to slowly become the better, stronger, more courageous and trusting version of yourself.

When faced with the deep sorrows of a loss, it’s essential to practice self-compassion, listen attentively to your heart, clarifying and prioritize what’s most important, quiet the internal noise in your mind, and do things that clear rather than clutter the path forward. Granting yourself permission to be vulnerable, honest, and human creates the safety that we need to begin healing after a loss of any kind.

The guidelines that I write about in my book, How We Go On, called “The Eight Honoring’s” can help you choose a path of honor as you learn to navigate birthdays, holidays, and angel-versaries. Following them, you will find peace in the face of loss, experience the love that never dies, write new chapters of life, and create new memories.

The post Getting Through the Holidays After a Loss appeared first on Dr Ken Druck.

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Some of us prefer not to think about the time after we’re gone — and are content not to say, do, think about, and/or leave anything to our children, grandchildren, community, favorite causes, or the future inhabitants of our planet. We want to live in the now and avoid thinking about a world that we’re not going to be a part of. Others step up in anticipation of that time when they’ll be gone, and take steps to pay the good (blessings, gifts, miracles, inheritances, abundance, wealth, wisdom, kindness, and so on) they have experienced forward. Doing so provides them with a sense of peace, purpose, and reciprocity, knowing that they’re selflessly giving something back to the world in gratitude for what they’ve been given.

So what do we need to do to leave a legacy of love? What steps do we need to take? Here are three guidelines to help you get started:

1. The most important part of leaving a legacy is what’s happening right here, right now, while you’re alive.

It particularly relates to how you treat other people, especially your loved ones. A legacy is a measure of the kindness, patience, encouragement, inspiration, support, humility, forgiveness, integrity, and trust you’ve shown others. It is made up of what you’ve given to the world, and the difference you’ve made in people’s lives. If you’ve aspired to bring out the best in others, you’re well on your way to leaving a legacy of love and are headed in the right direction.

The following behaviors are often associated with bringing out the best in others:

• Leading with patience, respect, and the desire to understand other people by being a good listener.
• Communicating your needs, feelings, and wants in a direct, forthright, timely, and considerate manner.
• Getting out in front of conflict by talking things out and considering other perspectives.
• Setting healthy limits and boundaries and establishing clear terms and conditions.
• Operating in good faith and being trustworthy and reliable.
• Remaining humble and nonjudgmental.
• Apologizing if and when you’ve said or done something hurtful or wrong.
• Talking out and working through disagreements and differences.
• Letting go of anger and resentment where possible and moving forward.
• Taking good care of yourself and showing patience with others during stressful periods.
• Keeping your heart open; and showing caring, compassion, and kindness.
• Getting help when you reach an impasse, get stuck, or go through a rough stretch.
• Keeping others in the loop when deliberating and making important decisions.
• Acknowledging that you’re not perfect, and that you don’t live in a perfect world.
• Trying to make peace with life as it is and accepting life’s terms, including impermanence.

2. Leaving a legacy of love in our families means putting our houses in order in a variety of ways.

Intergenerational efforts directed toward handling legal and financial matters such as estate planning; the sharing of parents’ innermost feelings about the life they want for their children, grandchildren, and future generations; and a clear statement of their wishes for being remembered need to be spelled out. In addition, their desires for carrying out family traditions, resolving practical matters such as what to do with/how to distribute their material goods, and how to support the surviving parent after one of them passes need to be made clear. At the core of successful family relationships in the second half of life are a variety of inescapably important conversations.

3. Summoning the courage and strength, and setting the right tone, to speak with our family members about these important topics is paramount.

This can be as simple as having honest, open conversations about a variety of things that really matter to each family member; and forging clear agreements about finances, caregiving, and medical and legal matters. Or, it can be as complicated as taking steps to heal old family wounds, temper past rivalries, and end old grudges. Since not all families are in the habit or practice of engaging in open family discussions, a qualified, third-party intermediary may be necessary to help the family take up these sensitive issues in a safe, constructive environment at a “family council meeting.”

We have no choice but to deal with the fact that life ends, and we then must venture into the great mystery called death. There’s no way around it: all of us will one day die. Whether we leave a legacy of love or one of chaos is a choice we make through our decisions and actions. Leading with kindness, organizing our lives, and eliminating needless guesswork by clarifying our desires are all choices we can make, starting today.

Ask yourself, what legacy of love do I want to start creating today? Then get to work. It’s your life and your legacy. Most importantly, do it with love!

The post 3 Ways to Leave a Legacy of Love appeared first on Dr Ken Druck.

The challenges of caretaking or supporting aging parents can be daunting. The reality is, in their later years, they’re faced with serious issues that we may or may not be taking into consideration or equipped to handle. Threats to our parents’ health and well-being, mobility, independence, and identity are all very real. Even the strongest and healthiest among them need our love, support, and understanding. They may also require our help when making painfully difficult medical and financial decisions. Doing so requires a whole new level of trust, empathy, involvement, and vigilance on our parts, as well as the emotional and spiritual strength to come to terms with how they’re changing.

What Your Aging Parents Want You to Know

1. We Still Have Minds of Our Own.

Nobody, young or old, wants to be bossed around and/or dismissed because of their age. Aging parents realize that there are some things they now need our help with—but they want us to know how important it is for us to ask (rather than tell) them what to do, think, or believe.

2. Speak to Us with Love and Respect.

Tone is everything. Aging parents realize that our generation is moving at the speed of light to get everything done—but they want us to speak to (rather than at) them, using words and a tone of voice that conveys respect and affection, rather than impatience and frustration.

3. We Are Still Your Parents.

Even though they’re older and may be a step slower, our parents are forever our parents. Treating them like (helpless) children can be insensitive and demeaning. We may be taking over greater control for their care and affairs, but we need to occasionally let go, ask for their help/advice, and allow them to enjoy being parents.

4. Sometimes, We Still Want to Be in Charge.

Decisions are best made (and implemented) when they’re made in concert with your aging parents. Be a patient communicator when it comes to talking through and deliberating about important decisions.

5. You May Be Smarter in Today’s World, but We Still Know More about Some Things.

Aging parents want us to tap into the wealth of relevant knowledge they’ve gained from years of experience. Listen, and validate their contributions.

6. We May Not Always Show It, but We Love and Appreciate You.

Some parents, kids, families, and cultures are more demonstrative than others when it comes to showing love and affection. Aging parents want us to look past their occasional grumpiness and know the depth of their love and gratitude for all the ways we’re trying to make their lives better, richer, and more comfortable.

Excerpted from the book, Raising an Aging Parent, by Dr. Ken Druck, available here. 

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Because of the differential value men and women, older and younger people, and diverse cultures place on wealth, worth, status, age and success, the things we become envious, jealous, desirous, or resentful of can be very different.

On the other hand, jealousy can have some positive benefits. When our internal radar (i.e. emotions) sense a threat, we can investigate to see if it’s real. If it is, we can take steps to rightfully protect our marriage, business, home, or the other assets we hold precious. If not, we can calm down and reassure ourselves that everything is alright. Doing a jealousy self-assessment can help us make sure we’re doing everything in our power to protect what we value and make adjustments when necessary.

If we see someone who’s displaying a behavior we want, it’s possible to harness that jealous feeling and use it constructively to motivate us to be and do our best. For example, jealous husbands and wives who’ve been taking their spouses for granted may be motivated to be more attentive. In such cases, expressing love, affection, and appreciation is an “upside.”

Resilience is the capacity to turn potentially destructive, corrosive emotions such as fear, anxiety, sorrow, emptiness, or confusion into something positive. Jealous parents become better fathers and mothers. Jealous co-workers become better colleagues. Jealous athletes become better teammates. Jealous friends become more approachable and trustworthy versions of themselves. Jealous gym buddies become healthier, more fit companions. Jealous siblings become more patient, humble and loving brothers and sisters. And jealous older persons become more accepting and caring of the young.

THE ROOT OF JEALOUSY

Fear of loss is at the root of jealousy. It may be the loss of status, opportunity, love, and/or security. If allowed to run its course, fear and insecurity can destroy our lives, families, businesses, communities, nations and world. Pathological jealousy can, and have, led to disdain, hatred, resentment, violence, injustice, war and even genocide.

IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL JEALOUS? 

Yes, it is human and normal to be jealous. We all experience this emotion at some time in our lives whether we’re consciously aware of it or not. Fear, sorrow, threat of loss, and desire originate within us. They can render us needy and desperate or, they can help us make good decisions and be more effective. Learning to manage our emotions is a major part of growing/evolving as human beings.  Rather than overreacting and become slaves to our feelings, or underreacting and become indifferent to what we feel, we effectively process our emotions.

HOW CAN SOMEONE OVERCOME FEELINGS OF JEALOUSY? 

Self-love, awareness, compassion, respect, and acceptance are the keys to neutralizing and transforming jealousy. It is within our power to awaken to and harness the power of our unproductive emotions, overcome our shame and embarrassment, practice kindness, and transform the “dark side” of ourselves into something light and positive. Family members who take the time to free themselves of deeply held jealousies can turn long-standing sibling rivalries, grudges and conflicts into opportunities for reconciliation, forgiveness, healing, understanding, peace, and, yes . . . love.

FOUR WAYS TO DEAL WITH JEALOUSY

1. Own it! Catch yourself in a moment of jealousy. Tell yourself, “I’m only human!” Now that you have a better understanding of what jealousy is, acknowledge these feelings, exhale and release the shame associated with them.
2. Tell those you love and trust that you’re feeling jealous. Ask them to tell you about a time they felt jealous and what they did to help themselves. Listen and learn.
3. Consider the possibility that someone (a sibling, cousin, friend, co-worker, neighbor or close friend) may be jealous of you. Summon all the empathy and compassion you have in your heart. Do your best to understand and forgive him/her, regardless of the emotions being directed toward you.
4. Do everything in your power to defuse the destructive and limiting elements of jealousy and rivalries in your life, which limit the love, affection, and peace in your family, your community, and your world.

Some jealous feelings are so deeply entrenched that it would take professional help to neutralize and/or overcome them. We can’t always conquer jealousy in ourselves—or in those we love. Some of us are defenseless against these powerful emotions and almost become an obsession. However, surrendering, and letting go of the idea that we can change everything, as is expressed in the Serenity Prayer, can provide a certain measure of relief.

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