KGB Report

Cartoon of the week

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 12:02:00 +0000

(by Kim Warp in The Funny Times)

Quote of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 04:01:00 +0000

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
-Red Skelton (July 18, 1913 - September 17, 1997)

No hairballs, at least...

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 11:26:00 +0000

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers live as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Programming truism of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 04:01:00 +0000

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
-Brian Kernighan

Technology marches on #612

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 15:30:00 +0000

The DEC VAX Webcam (circa 1988)

Political entertainment of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:20:00 +0000

Gasoline price-related headline of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 04:01:00 +0000

Gee, things are really bad when you can't afford the gas to use your car for a drive-by...

Failure to communicate, #822

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:01:00 +0000

Fort Myers Approach:
"Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading."

Cessna:
"Ah, we're headin' for Tampa."

Fort Myers Approach:
"Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading."

Cessna:
"Well, okay. We're headin' for the LaBelle VOR first and then going on to Tampa."

Fort Myers Approach:
"Cessna Three Four Alpha, could you look at your compass and tell me what number is behind the little line?"

Cessna:
"Oh- you want to know which way we're going right now. Three five zero, sir."

(from AvWeb)

Birthday clip of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 04:01:00 +0000

Alex Karras
(b. July 15, 1935)

Mash-ups of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 19:08:00 +0000

Quotes of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 09:51:00 +0000

Accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to a lady, except that a newspaper can always print a retraction.

America is a country that can choke on a gnat, or swallow tigers.

Campaigning for governor, there have been a couple of times when I yearned for the serenity I knew as a Marine Corps tank commander in Korea.

Do not... regard the critics as questionable patriots. What were Washington and Jefferson and Adams but profound critics of the colonial status quo?

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.

Saskatchewan is much like Texas- except it's more friendly to the United States.

Some people approach every problem with an open mouth.

The idea that you can merchandise candidates for high office like breakfast cereal is the ultimate indignity to the democratic process.

There is nothing more horrifying than stupidity in action.

There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.

Those who corrupt the public mind are just as evil as those who steal from the public purse.

To strike freedom of the mind with the fist of patriotism is an old an ugly subtlety.

We have confused the free with the free and easy.

We inherited freedom. We seem unaware that freedom has to be remade and re-earned in each generation of man.

We must never delude ourselves into thinking that physical power is a substitute for moral power, which is the true sign of national greatness.

What a man knows at fifty which he didn't know at twenty is, for the most part, incommunicable.

Adlai Ewing Stevenson II (February 5, 1900 - July 14, 1965)

Quote of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 04:01:00 +0000

I'm a bit of a wet blanket when it comes to the whole business of space travel. As I get older my unease at the time and the money that has to be spent on projects putting human beings back to the moon, and on to another planet, is so enormous. And it would take up so many resources, which I personally feel should be directed at our own planet. Humankind has just not simply become sufficiently evolved to now leave this planet, take itself out to space and began establishing more of us out there. I would like to see us get this place right first before we have the arrogance to put significantly flawed civilizations out onto other planets- even though they may be utterly uninhabited.
-Patrick Stewart (b. July 13, 1940)

Current event quotes of the week

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 04:01:00 +0000

Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.

This is what I love about America. According to a new report, after people started getting their government stimulus checks in the mail, internet porn sites had a 30% increase. You know what that means? People use their stimulus package to stimulate their packages.
-Jay Leno

Barack Obama is campaigning very hard, going everywhere these days to get the vote out. Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called "Meet your first black guy."
-Conan O'Brien

When Star Trek technology goes very, very wrong...

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 21:48:00 +0000

"Okay! Okay! I don't need ice for my drink!"

The idea is something out of Orwell's 1984 (or a Star Trek episode; remember the "training collars" from The Gamesters of Triskelion?-KGB): requiring all airline passengers to wear identifying bracelets, containing personal information and a GPS tracking chip to monitor their movements. And, oh yeah, one more thing: any flight crew member would be able to immobilize wearers by simply pointing a laser device in their general direction.

And, yes, it's apparently real. The Washington Times reports the US Department of Homeland Security is interested in the technology, that carries the most innocuous of names: The Electronic ID Bracelet.

The bracelet- in development for several years, and distributed by a Canadian company called Lamperd Less Lethal, Inc., more on them in a minute- would take the place of an airline boarding pass. An RFID chip on the bracelet would contain information about the wearer, and any luggage in their possession. A government-funded GPS system would monitor where the bracelet is at all times, giving security agents the ability to follow suspects (and everyone else) around the airport, and on the plane.

The bracelet- similar in concept to the wristbands hospital patients are issued- would be worn by every traveler "until they disembark the flight at their destination."

Which, hopefully, you would... unless you get stunned by another feature on the bracelet: an Electro-Muscular Disruption (EMD) sensor, similar in function to a police Taser. According to a promotional video on YouTube, the bracelet would be able to completely immobilize the wearer for several minutes... enough time to subdue a potential hijacker, or the guy in 34C who wanted the WHOLE can of Coca-Cola.

If this sounds like alarmist propaganda, or something you'd hear on late night radio, then don't take our word (or the Times') for it. Read what Paul S. Ruwaldt of the Science and Technology Directorate, office of Research and Development at the Department of Homeland Security, had to say about it.

"To make it clear, we [the federal government] are interested in... the immobilizing security bracelet, and look forward to receiving a written proposal," Ruwaldt wrote in a letter to the bracelet's distributor, obtained by the Times. "It is conceivable to envision a use to improve air security, on passenger planes."

Still not convinced? We don't blame you... but here's what Lamperd Less Lethal Inc. had to say in response to the Times' story. http://www.lamperdlesslethal.com.

"We wish to clear up any misconceptions regarding the EMD Safety Bracelet for Airline Security," the company wrote in an email comment, since posted on the Lamperd website. "The bracelets remain inactive until a hijacking situation has been identified. At such time a designated crew member will activate the bracelets making them capable of delivering the punitive measure- but only to those that need to be restrained."

Activation of the bracelets' "stun" setting would be performed in one of two ways. A plane's crew could activate anyone's bracelet, by way of a grid screen installed onboard the aircraft. Flight attendants would also be able to activate a passenger's bracelet "by simply pointing the laser at the bracelet- that laser dot only needs to be within 10 inches of the bracelet to activate it"... so, hopefully, you're not sitting too close to the alleged perpetrator (or a kid with a laser pointer-KGB).

"We believe that all passengers will welcome deliverance from a hijacking, as will the families, carriers, insurance providers etc," the company adds. "The F-16 on the wing-tip is not to reassure the passengers during a hijacking, but rather to shoot them down."

Good grief. There's literally nothing we can say to top that...

Watch the YouTube Video

(via aero-news.net)

The Bush bus tour

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 21:44:00 +0000

Quotes and stylish elements of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 04:01:00 +0000

All dwellers in cities must live with the stubborn fact of annihilation; in New York the fact is somewhat more concentrated because of the concentration of the city itself, and because, of all targets, New York has a certain clear priority. In the mind of whatever perverted dreamer might loose the lightning, New York must hold a steady, irresistible charm.
(From Here is New York, 1949)

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Be obscure clearly.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.

Home was quite a place when people stayed there.

I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.

I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority.

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world, and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

In a free country it is the duty of writers to pay no attention to duty.

Luck is not something you can mention in the presence of self-made men.

No man is born perpendicular, although many men are born upright.

No one should come to New York to live unless he is willing to be lucky.

Old age is a special problem for me because I've never been able to shed the mental image I have of myself- a lad of about 19.

Television hangs on the questionable theory that whatever happens anywhere should be sensed everywhere. If everyone is going to be able to see everything, in the long run all sights may lose whatever rarity value they once possessed, and it may well turn out that people, being able to see and hear practically everything, will be specially interested in almost nothing.

The first day of spring was once the time for taking the young virgins into the fields, there in dalliance to set an example in fertility for Nature to follow. Now we just set the clock an hour ahead and change the oil in the crankcase.

The trouble with the profit system has always been that it was highly unprofitable to most people.

We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even if it is only picking grapes or sorting the laundry.

Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.

E.B. White, (July 11, 1899 - October 1, 1985)

Photo of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 03:15:00 +0000

Hey. I think it's neat.

Quote of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 04:01:00 +0000

People have the illusion that all over the world, all the time, all kinds of fantastic things are happening. When in fact, over most of the world, most of the time, nothing is happening.

Washington DC is a city filled with people who think they are important.

David Brinkley (July 10, 1920 - June 11, 2003)

Quote of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 10:29:00 +0000

I don't mean to be a diva, but some days you wake up and you're Barbara Streisand.
-Courtney Love (b. July 9, 1964)

Off to a flying halt

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 09:46:00 +0000

The latest Microsoft Windows Update security fix apparently works by rendering the Internet invisible to machines which install the patch. Or at least that's what it did to my system, forcing me to use System Restore to roll the machine back to its prior state. So here I am, 54 minutes older, with nothing to show for it except a higher systolic blood pressure reading and the knowledge I won't make band rehearsal at church tonight because I'll be working late to make up for the time I've lost.

I'd like to think that if there is indeed a Final Destination where our souls congregate after shuffling off our mortal coils, there's a special gatekeeper. A gatekeeper who keeps meticulous records on the total number of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, centuries of time wasted due to bad software design. A gatekeeper who requires authors of buggy software- and their management- to complete an online application containing one page for every minute of life users have wasted trying to get their systems to operate after a software "upgrade," each page requiring a response to an annoying, Vista-like security prompt. And at the end of the application, the system hangs, and they have to start all over again.

Sigh. Forgive me my unkind thoughts.

I'll settle for some boils and a plague of locusts.

I think the reason is obvious...

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 12:15:00 +0000

... why her boyfriend's in Vegas and he hasn't bought her an engagement ring.

Quotes of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 09:01:00 +0000

Robert A. Heinlein, July 7, 1907 - May 8, 1988

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.

A reverence for life does not require one to respect nature's obvious mistakes.

Age does not bring wisdom. Often it merely changes simple stupidity into arrogant conceit.

Always listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.

Always tell her she's beautiful, especially if she isn't.

An armed society is a polite society.

Being right too soon is socially unacceptable.

Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.

Government is an inescapable disease of human beings.

History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion- i.e., none to speak of.

It is amazing how much mature wisdom resembles being too tired.

It never does any good to warn a man about his wife.

Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.

Love your country, but never trust its government.

Man can be chained but he cannot be domesticated, and eventually he always breaks his chains.

Never appeal to a man's better nature. He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of time and annoys the pig.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Obscurity is the refuge of incompetence.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things.

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.

Self-awareness is not just a bunch of amino acids bumping together.

Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.

Specialization is for insects.

Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation.

The early worm deserves the bird.

Was there ever a time when the majority was right?

What are the marks of a sick culture? It is a bad sign when the people of a country stop identifying themselves with the country and start identifying with a group. A racial group. Or a religion. Or a language. Anything, as long as it isn't the whole population.

Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it.

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.

Hello, Dalai

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 04:01:00 +0000

Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, is 73 today.

A handy memory aid, for those of you who are easily confused:

(Ms. Parton's birthday is January 19. She's 62.)

Quotes of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 04:02:00 +0000

Which explain why we find ourselves in our current perilous economic condition:

"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4 a gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that."
-George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 28, 2008

"And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place."
-George W. Bush, Mesa, Arizona, May 27, 2008

Since today is probably going to be a washout...

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 04:01:00 +0000

Rent or buy 1776, the 1972 film version of the 1969 Tony award-winning musical.

While the show does take liberties with the historical record- this is a musical, after all- it masterfully captures the attitude and reasoning behind America's fight for independence, and reveals "The Founders" not to be demigods, but ordinary men struggling for their rights and freedoms.

It's an intelligent, witty and gripping tale, peppered with lines taken from actual correspondence between John Adams and his wife Abigail. Disgusted with his colleagues, Adams tells them "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace; that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress!" and complains, "At a stage in life when other men prosper, I'm reduced to living in Philadelphia." As Congress edits Jefferson's Declaration of Independence to avoid alienating certain elements of the British government, Adams fumes, "This is a revolution, damn it! We're going to have to offend somebody!", and "They won't be happy until they remove one of the F's from Jefferson's name!"

This is a great introduction to American history for kids. After the parade and before the picnic and fireworks, sit down as a family and enjoy this film, and feel the tingle in your spine when William Daniels sings Adams' own words,

I see fireworks!
I see the pageant and pomp and parade!
I hear the bells ringing out!
I hear the cannons roar!
I see Americans - all Americans -
Free forever more!

Howard Da Silva as Benjamin Franklin
and William Daniels as John Adams in "1776"