Podcast Transcript

Hi, I’m Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor. This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight, awareness, and enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids. As you know, sometimes I share rules of thumb from the Child Parent Relationship Therapy program, which is the curriculum that is used in the In Home Play Therapy program. And today as promised, we are going to talk through one of those rules of thumb and it’s hard to say, but it’s extremely important to learn: “What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did” (Landreth & Bratton, 2019). And I think we can all admit that we make mistakes in our parenting. Well, we make mistakes as humans, but we also make mistakes in our parenting. And this rule of thumb is so helpful to allow ourselves forgiveness, allow ourselves to realize that it’s ok even when we make mistakes, it’s the way that we handle it that makes the difference.

So in this episode of the podcast, I would like to share with you when we make mistakes, when we handle things in a way that isn’t necessarily the most effective or the most appropriate, the relationship with our kids gets broken. And we’ll unpack how to fix that relationship. And then the second thing I’d like to share is when we handle our mistakes well, and when we handle our mistakes appropriately, this models for our children what that looks like and they begin to see an example of how to do the same. So we’ll talk through that. And then finally when we demonstrate acknowledgement and ownership over our mistake, it teaches our children exactly why that’s important and they begin to experience, rather than be told, what apologizing and the outcome of an apology looks like. So really powerful stuff. Very excited to share this with you.

The path to calm, confident and in control, parenting starts now. Okay, so when we think through admitting that we have made a mistake – and that can be to anyone in our life, doesn’t have to be our kids. It sometimes can be difficult for us to do that because it requires us to think through what happened and decide that yes, we didn’t handle that in the most effective way. And then sometimes the admission of wrongdoing is difficult and it’s tricky. Unfortunately, that sometimes prevents us from acknowledging when we’ve hurt our kids, when we handle things in a negative way, when we handle things in an emotional way. And what I mean by those descriptions: so something happens and we yell, or we lose control, or we excessively punish, or we threaten, or we are unkind in the things that we say in any given moment, those types of things happen. We hurt our kids and we damage the relationship there. And it’s interesting because I think that we as adults often see that as a one way street, that when our kids yell or lose control or get out of hand or say unkind things and are mean, we expect them to acknowledge and apologize and address what they did, but we often fail to realize that they need exactly the same from us. And so when we make mistakes which there is no need to be angry at ourselves or upset with ourselves, when those things happen, it’s inevitable, we are not perfect. So of course, we’re going to make mistakes. I don’t want to dwell on the fact that we shouldn’t be making mistakes. That’s not at all the intent. This episode is actually to say when we make those mistakes, we often don’t handle them appropriately with our kids. And I think it’s because we expect them to do it, but we don’t realize that they need it from us. And so when that relationship gets damaged, when it is broken because of our actions or our words or whatever happened in that moment, we are often hesitant to acknowledge it. But it’s the thing that will most repair the relationship. It’s been damaged and there needs to be reparation. And so what’s most important may not be what you do – that’s whatever the mistake was. But what you do after what you did, how you handle it. So when we go in afterwards and say, “I shouldn’t have yelled, I didn’t handle that kindly. I lost my temper. And you know, I regret the way that that was handled,” that shows our children that we are making amends, that we are repairing the brokenness in the relationship. And I have often gone in and apologized to my son late in the evening, you know, almost at bedtime. I’ve realized that I didn’t handle something well and I’ve gone in and said, “Bud, I’m sorry that (fill in the blank). I’m sorry that I got angry, I’m sorry that I didn’t speak kindly to you.” Children are extremely gracious and children are extremely forgiving, and that almost reinforces this entire premise that we don’t have to be afraid of apologizing. We don’t have to be afraid of saying, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” Our children are extremely loving, and kind, and gracious to us. And so I’ve never had an experience where he got more angry about it or he was mad that I brought it up. He has always said, “It’s okay.” And you know, I’m able to know that that relationship has been repaired. So really powerful thing to keep in mind that we do have to fix that relationship once it gets broken. And this is a really helpful thing to keep in mind to do that.

Second thing I’d like to share is when we think about the way that kids learn, kids learn in different ways. So if you study education at all, if you study the ways that people learn best, you will find all different kinds of options. And certain people gravitate towards certain things. Our children, especially when they’re young, they learn a lot about the world and they learn a lot about how to function within the world from observation. And so we have to keep in mind we’re always being observed. We’re being observed when we’re at our best, were being observed when we’re at our worst, we’re being observed with the things that we say, the way that we say them. The way that we talk about people, the way that we handle a crisis, the way that we handle frustration. Our children are always watching, always observing, always learning about the way that they will handle things and respond to things based on what they see us do. So that could be a heavy burden to carry, knowing that our children are always paying attention and they’re going to emulate the things that we do. However, in terms of making a mistake and handling it in a healthy way afterwards, our kids learn by watching us. And so to me this is one of the most compelling pieces of this rule of thumb is when we make mistakes, our children watch us handle those mistakes. So if we are quick to deny it, to refuse to talk about it, to argue and defend why we handled it a certain way, our children will do the same. But if we’re quick to say, “I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I know better. That wasn’t the way that I want to handle it. I’m going to try better next time.” That is also what they observe and what they learn. And so this is a meaningful example that we are setting for our kids that they understand what it means to watch something happen, realize that that’s not what they want to do and work to do it differently the next time in the future. So keep in mind that as our children are with us – engaged, interacting all of the moments throughout the day, they watch us all day long. But they specifically watch the way that we handle when things don’t go the way we wish they would have and I would hope that we would keep that in the forefront of our minds. “I really screwed up and my child needs to see the appropriate and best way to handle a mistake so that they can do that with their friends, with their teachers, with authority figures, with their coaches, with their siblings, with their parents.” It really is a two way street. So when we begin to handle mistakes appropriately towards them, they begin to handle mistakes appropriately toward us.

And then finally, when we own a mistake, when we just openly admit, “I’m not going to make an excuse, I regret the way that I handled that. I’m going to try harder and really handle that differently in the future,” they see that there is ownership. And there’s one of my clients that I did the private parent coaching with, she actually recommended a book to me and the entire concept of the book is about owning everything. So you own the good, you own the bad. I’m pretty sure he’s a former military, pretty high up in the military guy and he has a strange name and I forget how to say it, but I think it’s Jocko Willink or something. So email me and tell me that I completely butchered that, but I think it’s Jocko Willink. But the entire concept of the book is about owning everything and there’s no excuse making, there’s no defense of anything. There’s no denial of anything. It’s when things are amazing I own it, when they’re terrible I own it, and everything in between. And I think about that a lot as far as the parent-child relationship, because when we own something that we did, our children get the model of that. And you know there’s a lot of steps in owning something. You have to admit what happened, you have to acknowledge that you want to do something differently, you have to apologize, you have to accept the responsibility and the consequence of that. And so a lot of what we talk about in the play therapy model of interacting with kids is teaching kids self responsibility and self control and ownership of the outcome. Many of the play therapy pillars that I discuss with you all is all funneling back to those primary fundamental beliefs that when a child has self responsibility and self control and ownership, they understand decision making in the moment and they are able to make more appropriate decisions. So when we own the mistake that we’ve made, they learn what that looks like. And you know, that takes a lot of acknowledgement and reflection and processing. If you do something in the moment and you never think about it again, you move on and we don’t necessarily understand the impact that that had on that person. You know, it was a little flash in the pan for us and we moved on, who cares, but someone often will live with the hurt or the outcome of that moment for days, weeks, years unbeknownst to us. And so that’s a pretty significant acknowledgement that the ownership piece is showing them what that looks like. And really, when we think about being parents, it’s tough. And you know, we all know that it takes a lot of work, a lot of purpose, a lot of intention, a lot of investment. So be gracious to yourself, be gracious to your kids; know that grace given and grace received is the way that the relationship is the best that it can be. And you know, sometimes we tend to feel guilty, we tend to feel ashamed. We tend to blame ourselves or blame the situation and really this equips us.

This rule of thumb: “What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did” it equips us to embrace the idea of reflecting on something, realizing that we didn’t handle it the way we wanted to and addressing it. It’s just acknowledgement and making sure that things are repaired and whole again, so that there’s no fracture in the relationship. Because remember, as I tell you over and over and over again, the relationship is at the first and end of everything related to parenting. So everything always comes back to the relationship. We don’t want to leave a relationship unrepaired, we don’t want to leave a relationship broken. We want to make sure that any fracture, any fissure, any crack, for any reason is addressed and it’s whole before we move on to the next thing.

So, please let me know your experiences with this topic. I would love to have you email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com. Let me know how this goes. Let me know if this impacted you in some way. If you have questions, if you have comments, I would love to hear from you. This really is a special rule of them for acknowledging the power of making sure that the relationship is whole. And one last final thought. There is no limit of time for how long you can or can’t circle back to an issue. So, let me clarify what I mean by that. I talked to my parents a lot in the In Home Play Therapy program and in the private parent coaching about circling back, that’s one of my phrases that I use a lot. There is no statute of limitations on how long it has been and therefore we can’t address something. So maybe something’s on your heart right now. Maybe you’re listening to this and you’re thinking, “Gosh, a month ago when I did X, I know that that hurt the relationship and it was never discussed” or “Four days ago, oh my goodness, I yelled and I wish that I wouldn’t have and I never said anything to my kids.” Do not feel that you’ve missed your window and missed your opportunity to fix it. You can always circle back and bring it back up in the same tone and in the same conversation that you would have had if it would have been closely after the incident. For example, you might say, “You know what (child, daughter, son, whoever you’re talking to) I was thinking about way back when when I… I yelled, I felt that I punished you too harshly. I lost control. I got really angry, I threatened you, I (fill in the blank).” So there’s this acknowledgement of what happened. “So I was thinking and it made me think about X happened and I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I know I didn’t say I was sorry at the time, but it came back into my head and I just wanted to tell you that I don’t want to handle things that way and I wish that I wouldn’t have handled it that way. And I’m going to try to make sure that doesn’t happen anymore.” And there’s no time limit where you say, “Oh, that happened so long ago. It’s not worth bringing up.” You can always go back and address and fix whatever it was that happened.

So be encouraged by that. I would love to hear your stories and you know, share with me what happens. Please don’t forget go to thekidcounselor.com/newsletter and sign up because I put all kinds of content out for you through that channel as well as the podcast. So thekidcounselor.com/newsletter is where you’ll find more information. In the next episode, I am going to unpack for you another rule of thumb in the Child Parent Relationship Therapy program, “You can’t give away that which you don’t possess.” So we will talk about that next time. You have to have things before you can give them away. And so we will look at that and what that means and how that applies to your parenting in the next episode. Thank you as always for listening. I will talk to you soon. Bye.

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Podcast Transcript

Hi, I’m Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor. This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight, awareness, and enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids. In this episode, I want to share a few things that are important to me this week, a few things that happened; a little bit of a different set up for the episode this time. One of the things that hit me this week was just the roller coaster of experience that I had with kids in my world. So I would like to share with you some of the experiences that I had in lots of different arenas just with kids this week and the insight that I gained from that. We also launched our In Home Play Therapy program this week, so lots of stuff going on with that, I’ll share a little bit more with you about that. And this is the 50th episode of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast, so we are celebrating together our 50th episode. The path to calm, confident, and in control parenting starts now.

One of the things that hit me this week was just an overwhelming sense of the up and down of the parenting journey. I was interacting with a lot of families, a lot of kids, my own son this week, and I kind of ran the gamut of every emotion just across the board; everything that could possibly happen in the way of good and bad and confusing and celebratory. And it was just kind of an up and down week and it got me thinking about how that is the life of a parent. Sometimes we are on top of the world and things are amazing, and sometimes we feel like we are in the valley and the pit of frustration. I think sometimes we are really excited and we feel really good, and other times we’re just devastated and we feel really bad. I usually liken it to a roller coaster when I meet with parents at my Center because I feel that we’re constantly going through an up and down. This week, let me share a few stories just so that you can kind of understand where I’m coming from with this.

So our son spent a good portion of the weekend at a friend’s house and when I picked him up on Sunday, both his mom and the dad came out and said, “He is such a joy to have around and he’s such a good influence on their son. And he’s protective of their son and he’s loving and he’s kind and he’s obedient.” And it was a moment where I just felt really proud and really happy and really fulfilled in my role as his mom and just evidence that someone else sees the work that I’ve put in and the good that has emerged from the fruit of that effort.

But then conversely, I had a dear friend who texted me Sunday morning and said that her son had run away in the middle of the night. And so then I dealt with the devastation and the hurt and, you know, walked with her on that journey. He’s home and things are fine, but that really, in a 12 hour period, to have that level of devastation and hurt and anger and confusion and then towards the end of the day, have such pride and excitement and fulfillment.

And even kids at my Center; I have one that is moving across the country today, as a matter of fact, and I had to say goodbye to him and his family. And I’ve worked with them for a really long time, and just the transition and the preparation for that – getting him ready to adjust to a completely new world, a completely new normal for him. And you know, he’s resilient and he’s ready, and I know that there’s great things in store for that family, but that’s a huge change for them. And even for me to say goodbye to that family.

I have another one that I’m wrapping up with today, and she’s been with me for a while and she is thriving. She is doing so well. Everyone in her life just says she’s a completely different kid and things are going so well. And I have another girl who is fighting an eating disorder, and she told me last week that she was able to not binge and purge for three days straight, and that was something that we celebrated together. So you can see – and I know many of you don’t work with kids and you don’t have many kids in and out of your life on a daily basis except your own – but you can just see, I was kind of processing all of those experiences, realizing that parenting is just a crazy wild ride. And when you have children in your life, you go through a lot. It’s good and it’s bad, and it’s ugly and it’s happy, and it’s exciting and it’s so many things. And it got me thinking that no matter where we are in the journey, we’re all working toward the common goal of being confident, equipped parents that have happy kids and happy families. So that just resonated with me this week as I unpacked all of that, that even if we’re celebrating the good, if we’re mourning the bad, if we’re frustrated, if we’re proud, whatever we are, wherever we are on our journey in the ups and downs of life with kids, we are all united and we all come together with the idea that we are working to be the best parents that we can be. Actively, intentionally, purposefully working toward being the best parents that we could be, and then we are celebrating the fact that we get there and then we have happy kids and a happy family. And so I hope that encourages you. That was something that I kind of worked through on my own and I wanted to share because no matter where you are, we are all in this together. We’re walking this journey together and I’m honored and grateful that you allow me to be a small part of that journey that you have with your kids and your parenting.

So on an exciting note, as I mentioned, we launched the In Home Play Therapy program yesterday and that will run through the 28th, May 28th. So as we close registration on May 28th, we will have all kinds of parents ready to begin this 10 week program. So excited about the life change that I know will take place for the parents who are able to get a spot in the course. There are only 45. So if you are interested, go to In Home Play Therapy.com and check that out. Registration will close Friday, May 28th at midnight. But that has been something we have worked so hard on, years to be honest with you, of work. But especially in these last three months, we’ve been really working to make sure that this is an absolutely incredible, life changing program. So I’m celebrating with you on that as well because I hope that some of you will be a part of that with me. And that is really an incredible 10 week course. So really excited about that.

And then finally, thank you for being a part of the 50th episode of the Play Therapy Parenting podcast. I know statistics show that a lot of podcasters start podcasts and then it just kind of fizzles and fades. And so to have the 50th episode together with you today is very exciting for me. And to be honest with you, I was unprepared for the popularity of this. We haven’t really put a whole lot of energy and effort into marketing this or advertising this, promoting this in any way. But it has just really kind of grown as an organic, grassroots type of thing. And so many people are subscribing and downloading; thank you for being one of those people. Thank you for wanting to hear what I have to share and for allowing me to be a part of your commute, or your time in the car, or wherever it is that you are listening. So if you haven’t already, please subscribe and sign up so that you are notified when a new podcast episode is put out. And you know, we’ve just had a really incredible growth and response to the podcast, so we’re trying to be more frequent with our episodes. We’re working on making sure that we get them out on a regular, consistent basis so that you all are equipped and confident and you are able to be an in control parent that you want to be.

So if you are celebrating with me this week on really exciting parenting topics and things that are happening in your lives with your kids that you’re really excited about, I am excited with you. If you are in a more frustrated place, a darker place, if things are really difficult with your kids right now, know that I’m walking with you there too. And the fact that you’re listening means that you are working toward being the best parent that you can be. So we are in this together. We will walk this journey together and I’m honored that I get to be a part of that. Check out In Home Play Therapy.com if you would like more information about the Play Therapy program that was launched right now through May 28th. And again – 50th episode. Thanks for celebrating that with me. That is something that I’ve been working towards for a long time. So we will be back to our regular episode next time. I know that we were going to do another rule of thumb, but 50th episode was a little bit of a different structure. So in the next episode we will cover the rule of thumb “What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did.” So make sure you stay tuned for that. Thank you again. Talk to you soon.

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Listen to the Podcast

Podcast Transcript

Hi, I’m Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor. This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight, awareness, and enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids. If you have been following the podcast for any amount of time, you know that I periodically cover the “Rules of Thumb” in the Child Parent Relationship Training curriculum, that is a part of our In Home Play Therapy program. Today I would like to handle one of those rules of thumb with you: Focus on the donut, not the hole (Landreth & Bratton, 2019).

And I’m really excited about this particular rule of thumb; I call it a nugget of wisdom. Because when we are in the midst of parenting, and when we have struggles and difficulties, it is easy to focus on what’s wrong in the relationship. It’s easy to focus on what’s missing, what we feel is lacking, what we believe to be problematic, maybe even what we would fix if we could in the relationship. And when we do those things, although it’s easy to get there and to be in that place, we lose sight of our children. When we focus on what is there, rather what is not there, we don’t get to see who they truly are in those moments. So it’s really important to consider focusing on what is there rather than what isn’t.

So in this episode of the podcast, I would like to unpack three pieces of this that I think are relevant. The first being traditional parenting literature gets it wrong, and I will explain why and how it’s wrong, and what you can do instead. And secondly, I’d like to talk through the myth of the quick fix. We as a culture, and we as adults, tend to want things to get fixed right away and especially in our parenting that doesn’t work. And then finally I’d like to talk through the healthy relationship at the center of our parenting and that adaptive behavior comes out of that healthy relationship. So we will look through all three of those.
The path to calm, confident, and in control parenting starts now. So in talking through the idea of ‘Focus on the doughnut, not the hole,’ I know there are a lot of donut aficionados out there. And so before I begin, I actually had to educate myself a little bit about donut making because I am not a baker and I’ve never made a doughnut myself. So what I have observed if you’re in the mall or walking through areas where there are food and stores and things like that – Auntie Anne’s Pretzels is the only thing that I’ve ever seen, where I can actually witness something like that being made. And so they take the dough and it’s cut into strips and then they roll it into almost like a long tubular snake looking thing. And then they will actually tie the dough into a knot and then they make it. So I guess stemming from that, I’m not sure, I believed that you form a donut by making a tubular thing of dough and fusing the ends together and you get your circle. But interestingly enough, when bakers make donuts, it is a ball of dough and they take a metal cylinder and they shove it through the center and they take the center of the doughnut out. So the big ball of dough actually has the center piece removed.

And that is how you get donut holes, or munchkins if you’re a Dunkin Donuts person. I know there are donut hole people out there, so I understand there’s a special place for donut holes. But in the ‘focus on the donut, not the hole’ analogy, the donut is what is there. The hole is what’s missing. The hole is what’s been taken out. The whole is what’s gone. And in a parenting perspective, we often end up focusing on the hole instead of the donut. And I can imagine if you’re eating a donut – when I was little, Boston cremes were my favorite, my son’s is strawberry sprinkles. So when you’re consuming this donut, you’re thinking, “Oh my gosh, this is so good, this is gooey, it’s warm, it’s amazing!” I don’t think you’re sitting there thinking, “Gosh, I really wish that the center of that doughnut had not been removed. That’s really tragic that they took that out. I would have eaten that if it was still there.”

You’re focusing on what’s there because it’s good. I think that it’s easy for us to get lost and the idea of ‘I wish this were there, this feels missing, this feels incomplete, this feels broken.’ And in the meantime, we are not noticing the great, amazing, good things that are there already. Our kids are incredible beings, they are good, they are kind, they are constantly growing, constantly learning, constantly developing. And we have the ability and the privilege to be a part of their journey. And so to me, the premise of focusing on the donut – what is there, what is good, what you appreciate – It puts us in the right mindset to set us up to be aware that the relationship is at the heart of everything, which I’m going to get to in a moment. So, traditional literature gets it wrong because we end up thinking that there’s this trick that we need, or this tip that we have to use, or let’s focus on the problem. So what I hear in parenting literature a lot is “One minute to stop tantrums.” Or “Use this one simple tip to get your child to stop smart mouthing you.” Or “If you use this one fancy phrase, it’s going to stop your child from disobeying” and everything about all of that. Traditional literature is focused on the problem and how to fix the problem. But unfortunately, that isn’t the correct premise for understanding that you want to focus on the good, and what you want to celebrate, and what you’re happy about, and what is worth investing in. We don’t want to focus on what’s not there and what’s wrong. We want to focus on what is and what’s good. So traditional parenting literature gets it wrong and the “Focus on the donut, not the hole” is a really helpful reminder to keep the focus and the attention on what is there. And I’ll talk about how that influences the relationship in just a moment.

The second point is that we have this myth of a quick fix. There’s this idea of a magic bullet, or this special pill, or this immediate type of answer to this problem. And one of the phrases that I use with my parents in my private practice and in my center a lot, I will often question them about how long it took for them to get to that point. For example, someone comes in and says, “Oh my gosh, my child’s ready to get kicked out of school. I don’t know what to do anymore.” Or “The tantrum have escalated so high. I don’t even know how to handle them anymore. We can’t even go anywhere. I’m so embarrassed.” And one of the first things that I question is, I wonder how long it’s taken to get to this point. And it’s never two days, six weeks. There’s always a very long stretch. ‘Oh gosh, it probably started six months ago.’ Or sometimes in bigger cases it’s, ‘Oh, since they were born, it’s been this way.’ But the idea of there being a long development of a concern and it happens over time, there’s a slow creep. There’s a fade to where we get to this point. All of a sudden, to think that we can miraculously fix it with this one simple trick or, just this one fancy thing that we can do. If you know that it didn’t happen overnight, you have to also recognize it’s not going to fix itself overnight either. And so, therefore, the idea is if you know it’s going to take time, if you know that there’s going to be investment, and intention and purpose and work to get back to a healthy balance, you might as well invest in the process. In other words, let’s not focus on all of the things that are wrong and all the things that you wish would go away, it’s going to take time anyway. So as we spend that time and as we work toward the healing and the health that we want, we can also invest in what is. Which is our time together, and our investment in the engagement, and the relationship and those types of things. So myth of quick fix in the parenting not going to work because there is no such thing, parenting is a journey, childhood is a journey. We’re all on it together. And when it takes a long time to get to a place, it often takes a long time to get to a new place. So the concept of spending the time, investing the energy, working through it together is very powerful. Instead of getting caught up on this idea that we have to fix it immediately.

And finally when thinking about the healthy relationship leading us toward adaptive behavior – adaptive behavior is an interesting concept, because it tends to be a little bit jargony. We use it in our field, but it’s not necessarily something that parents will say often. Adaptive behavior, in simplest terms, is just that a child is able to adapt to whatever the circumstance. Whatever the situation, whatever is going on, the child can adapt their emotions and their behavior accordingly. So when you have maladaptive behavior, that means the child is not adapting appropriately. So we will typically couple the words maladaptive behavior with dysregulation. And that’s another fancy word that just means a child is not capable of regulating. In other words, they are getting very emotional, they’re getting very out of control. They’re not able to stay in control of their emotions. They’re struggling in a situation. So we will often see dysregulation and maladaptive behavior go together. So what’s incredible about this concept of focusing on the donut, not the hole is that when you focus on the good that’s already there; the relationship, the emotion, the connection, the bond, the trust, the respect. When you focus on all of those things, you naturally end up seeing changes in the child’s behavior. Because when you have a relationship that communicates you are unconditionally loved and you are unconditionally accepted, no matter the behavior, no matter the hiccup, no matter the mistake, no matter the failure, no matter the dysregulation, you are unconditionally loved and unconditionally accepted. It builds the child’s sense of who they are. It builds their self esteem. As they feel better about themselves, they start to behave in more self enhancing ways. So the more a child feels loved, and feels heard and feels valued and feels accepted, they begin to believe those things about themselves. Once they believe those things about themselves, they start to act in ways that are more self enhancing, which of course leads to adaptive behavior. In other words, ‘I know that I might not have chosen to not be able to go play with my friends when I wanted to, but instead of having a tantrum, instead of getting completely out of control, power struggling, arguing, fighting, I’m able to adapt. I know that it’s okay. I know that I’m going to be okay because I have someone who unconditionally loves and accepts and respects me.’

So the relationship is at the core of everything. I talk about this all the time and the belief of play therapy as a whole. That one of the foundational concepts and principles is that kids already know what they need to work on. That is at the heart of what we do as play therapists is that we give the child the opportunity to work on the things that they know they need to address. I actually did a podcast about this in 2019, and if you haven’t had a chance to listen, you can search it. It’s actually called “Kids already know what they need to work on.” And the belief is that kids are struggling. They know that they’re struggling and they don’t want to be there. If given the opportunity, they will get themselves out of that struggle. But the best way for that to happen is for them to feel unconditionally loved and accepted and that frees them to become the best version of themselves that they can be. We as adults, and human beings, constantly are hopefully working towards being better versions of ourselves. That’s self actualization, a fancy word for becoming the best version of yourself that you can be. So if that’s one of our goals, that humans should just constantly be bettering ourselves, making ourselves better people, kids are on the same journey. So if we create an environment and a relationship that says you are unconditionally loved and accepted, they of course want to become the person that we believe them capable of being. I believe that you’re good, I believe that you’re strong, I believe you’re brave, I believe you’re capable. I believe that you can regulate, I believe that you can self control. It’s self fulfilling prophecy. You believe it and they rise to the occasion because they do know what they need to work on and they don’t want to stay in that stuck, broken place. They will move toward the good things that they believe themselves capable of. But that starts with the relationship. This is not something that’s quick, this is not something that’s easy, but it is very simple.

And one of the adages that I share with families that I work with a lot is merely noticing a child is a powerful motivator of behavior and change. So think about that for a moment. If you merely notice your child, which arguably means you’re investing time in the relationship; you’re not distracted, you’re not overwhelmed, you’re not doing something else. If you notice your child in a meaningful way, that is enough to motivate them toward change and positive growth. So as you can see very clearly, that relates back to a healthy relationship. And out of the healthy relationship comes the adaptive behavior. So you really have two choices. You can choose to focus on what you want to be different, what you want to fix, what you want to change and stay there, which has a very negative bent. Or you can choose to focus on what is there already. The greatness that your child is capable of, the goodness that your child is capable of. The bond that you have. The rapport that you have, the communication that you share, the experiences that you have together. And in either scenario, the end goal is to have a reduction in problematic behavior, but one has a negative spin and one has a positive spin, And ‘Focus on the donut, not the hole’ is a really helpful reminder of focusing on the positive to get you to the positive gain that you’re looking for. So to recap: three takeaways, you have traditional parenting literature does not get it right. So keep in mind that you don’t want to think about everything being a task list or a check box that says, “Oh, when this happens, you do this. That’s not a complete, effective system of parenting. Second take away: There is no quick fix. I think we all know that, but sometimes we are trying to find it. So invest the time, invest the energy in the relationship. Because takeaway number three: at the heart of adaptive behavior is a healthy relationship with your kids.

So I’m curious if you feel that you really are challenged by this. If you feel that ‘You know what? I would like to make sure that my relationship is healthy, I would like to do this a little differently. I don’t want to keep focusing on what’s wrong or what’s missing or what I wish were different. I really want to focus on the relationship.’ I have a challenge for you. Think of ways this week, maybe even today, to enhance the relationship. What would that look like? What could you do today or sometime this weekend, sometime in this next week, what could you do that will set aside intentional, purposeful time to pour into the relationship that you have with your child? Does that look like going on a bike ride with them? Does it look like going to one of their practices or games in the sport that they play? Does it look like sitting down and reading a book with them, working on a jigsaw puzzle at the table together, going outside and going fishing? I don’t know what that looks like for you and your children and what you like to do. But we are constantly given opportunities to connect in a meaningful way and it’s about taking those opportunities to invest in the relationship.

Our children are constantly giving us opportunities. It’s a matter of whether or not we purposefully take those opportunities to connect and invest with them. So keep in mind that investment in the relationship gets you to the outcome that you want when you focus on what’s already there. So what does that look like this week? Does that mean not watching tv in the evenings? Does that mean putting down your phone, making sure that there are no other distractions? Making sure that you’re physically present, but you’re also mentally and emotionally present, because oftentimes we can be in the same room with our kids and be miles away because we’re not really there. So it’s not just being in their space. It’s about emotionally and mentally being present to those moments of connection and relationship building that will forever change the trajectory of your relationship with them and your family life as a whole.

So I hope that you are encouraged by that. I love this rule of thumb. I think it is so helpful, because it’s easy to get bogged down in how we wish things were different, but the reality is when we focus on what’s already there, that sets us up for success and that’s what we want as parents: to be successful. In the next episode, I’m actually going to talk about another rule of thumb from the Child Parent Relationship Therapy training and that comes straight out of the In Home Play Therapy program – that’s the curriculum that we use. The next episode will be ‘What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did.’ I know it’s a mouthful. We’ll unpack it together. ‘What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did.’ The premise is sometimes we get stuff wrong, sometimes we make mistakes, but it’s how we handle those mistakes that make all the difference. So we will tackle that together next time. Thanks so much. Talk to you soon. Bye.

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Podcast Transcript

Hi, I’m Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor. I get questions all the time from parents who are exploring therapy, who are interested in the play therapy model. And they just are curious how it works, what they can expect, what the benefits are, what the outcomes are universally of play therapy. And so in this video, I wanted to share with you the four major outcomes of play therapy, regardless of why the child is involved in the process in the first place.

So understandably, you might have an adjustment issue with one child where they’re dealing with the birth of a new sibling. Which would be very different than a child who has been through some kind of traumatic experience or some type of abusive situation. Then you have children who are struggling academically, versus children who are struggling socially. So there’s a whole range of reasons why a child begins therapy, but there are four outcomes that are universal because of the play therapy process, regardless of the presenting concerns for a specific child.

So let me break this down for you and help you understand what that would look like. And often these questions come into me from my email newsletter. So that is certainly a way that you can stay in contact with me. You can always email me in response to the newsletters that I send out, and you can find that at thekidcounselor.com/newsletter if you’d like to sign up. That’s one way that I communicate with folks all the time.

So one of the questions I get is: “What do I get if I put my child in therapy?” There are four major outcomes. Let’s look at them one by one. So the first is increased regulation. And that is across all spectra. What I mean by that is there’s lots of different reasons why a child can become dysregulated and you often see evidence of dysregulation in lots of different arenas. So when I say increased regulation, that is psychological, mental, social, academic. There’s all kinds of facets to where everything just kind of levels out. And I typically draw this for parents, but I’ll kind of give you a visual representation here. If you think about a flat line and you think about a zigzag up and down, huge spikes above and below the line, and it’s kind of all over the place. Almost like a heart monitor; maybe an irregular heart monitor. You have these huge swings and ups and downs. That is typically the behavior and the “normal” for a dysregulated child previous to starting the therapy process. Once the therapy process does what it does and they begin to regulate better, they tend to have more of a wave where there are small ups and downs and it’s curved and it kind of stays very close to the midline. So whereas before here’s midline, you have these huge spikes up and down. After therapy, it’s more like a wave where it just kind of stays centered. Why is that? Because the child learns how to self control, how to self regulate, and every child works toward balance. So the huge swings, the huge ups and downs, the huge emotional upheaval; all of that is from a child that cannot control themselves and they are affected by their circumstances. So when a child develops regulation, nothing fazes them like it used to. So the severity is lessened, the frequency is reduced, the the huge spikes are kind of leveled out and you just get a more calm, centered, balanced child. Of course there are still ups and downs but everything just stays more balanced. So increased regulation is outcome number one.

Outcome number two is increased worldview. Now, a lot of times kids until about the age of 12 or 13, they do not develop abstract reasoning skills. So every once in a while you have a child who is a little bit younger or a little bit older that can get there. But it’s usually in that 12 or 13 year old range. So when you’re looking at a child that doesn’t have abstract reasoning, it’s very difficult for them to have appropriate worldview. What I mean by that is they’re here and now, they respond in the moment, governed by their feelings. Whatever the emotion feels, they act. So therefore they’re impulsive, they’re spontaneous, they don’t think through things. They’re not cognitive, they’re not rational. So as a result of therapy, they begin to think through, “Yes, I want to pick this up and throw it across the room because I’m so mad, but it might hurt someone. It might have a consequence I don’t like. It may affect the future. There might be an outcome that I didn’t want.” So they begin to connect that actions have consequences and they learn that what I choose to do in this moment has a ripple effect beyond the here and now. So it’s another area of self regulation. But it’s broadened out to understand that it’s not just all about them in the moment, it’s about other people, and the environment, and the circumstances in the situation. So that’s outcome number two.

Outcome number three is increased emotional vocabulary. So this is a monumental gain for kids because children do not come out of the womb understanding their emotions. It is a learned process. And what you need to know is that children have a two part development of emotional vocabulary. Well humans do, but specifically in terms of play therapy and children, they have to accurately identify their feeling first. And then they effectively communicate the feeling to communicate their needs.

So essentially, if you have someone who is an adult and gets really angry and punches their fist through the wall, they don’t have a healthy emotional vocabulary. Because they either did not understand their feeling, or they did not effectively communicate their feeling. So that is learned, it’s developed. And the play therapy process gives kids the opportunity to learn how to identify what they’re feeling and then express it. And the greater good of that is no one can ever meet your needs unless you’re able to express what those needs are. So when a child says, “When I was in the playroom and I felt this way, Ms. Brenna told me that I was nervous. So now I can accurately identify this feeling as being nervous (part one). (part two) Next time I feel this way when I’m at home, or at school, or on the playground, or wherever I may be, I can say, ‘Oh, I remember what this is’ – now I can tell someone I feel nervous right now.” Then the need can be met. So emotional vocabulary is a huge gain for kids as a really beneficial outcome.

Outcome number four is increased self esteem. As I’ve mentioned in other videos and in my podcasts, play therapy works as one issue sparks work on all of the rest. So self esteem is one of those concepts and outcomes that we watch for that are so beneficial because it really is one of the huge influencers of all of the rest of the progress. Because as a child starts to feel better about themselves, as they learn that they’re capable, that they can trust themselves, that they’re competent, that they have coping skills, that they are resilient, that they can figure out how to handle a situation; you start believing those things about yourself, everything seems easier. Everything doesn’t seem as overwhelming. So you can see how the increased self confidence, and self esteem, and self worth infiltrates every other aspect of the child’s world. So obviously expressing their emotions becomes easier. Understanding worldview becomes easier. Regulating becomes easier – all because they have a different view of what they’re capable of.

And the power of development of self is that they no longer have to believe that they are at the mercy of their circumstances or that they are the victim in whatever situation they find themselves in. What I mean by that is when you don’t have a good sense of who you are, you don’t trust yourself or believe in yourself to handle whatever that is. So you live in a constant state of ‘what if.’ What if that happens? What if that doesn’t go well? What if I get in trouble? What if (fill in the blank)? Whatever the ‘what ifs’ are, it’s a constant state of fear, and worry, and unknown. And that confusion leads to “I don’t know that I can handle this, so I’m constantly in fear of it.”

Conversely when a child starts to say ‘I’m smart, I’m capable, I can do this, I have problem solving skills, I have coping, I have resilience;’ you fill in all of those things. And all of a sudden they’ll say, “Well, I don’t want that to happen, but if it does happen, I’ll be okay. I’ll be able to handle it, I’ll figure it out, I’ll solve the problem.” So it’s a huge shift in philosophy of the world, and kids develop a sense of the world based on what they believe about themselves, about others, about the nature of living. So, all of those experiences come together.

And imagine what it would be like if you knew that six months down the road, your child had developed those four things – they’d better regulate, they’d have a better world view, they’d have better self confidence, and they’d have a better emotional vocabulary. What would that look like in your family? What would that look like for you as a parent? How would your child feel differently? How would your child view the world? Those are incredible gains to a child who is going to grow up and become an adult. And as parents, as adults in our child’s lives, I think our greatest desire for them is to have them turn into happy adults.

And wouldn’t we say that those four foundational principles and levels of growth would set kids up to not only be happy kids, but also happy kids who become happy adults? So one of the many reasons why I love play therapy and love what I do; it is so helpful. It is so effective and it creates these amazing gains and benefits for kids at a level that is easy for them. It’s appropriate for them and it’s just a natural unfolding as they play.

So again, if you’d like more information from me, if you’d like to stay in touch with me, go to thekidcounselor.com/newsletter. You can sign up there. I have lots of great stuff coming for you. I have an In Home Play Therapy program launching soon that you can get into the Early Bird Wait list if you’d like. Lots of great content – I have podcasts and newsletters and videos and blogs. I put a lot of stuff out there so please stay in touch with me. Let me know how I can help. Shoot me questions, emails, comments, whatever you’d like me to know or hear from you. I would love to, and I look forward to talking to you again soon. Bye.

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Podcast Transcript

Hi, I’m Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor. Today, I wanted to share a really interesting illustration about therapy. Most of you know I’m a play therapist. So part of my job is to help parents, and caregivers, and adults who have a very limited scope of knowledge of the therapy process, understand why play therapy is different. And when I meet with parents in initial consultations, and in consultations throughout the process of therapy, one of the illustrations that I love to use is: If you’ve ever been to adult therapy – gone to a therapist and sat down and talked to someone. I typically say, “What was the beginning of the session?” and I get some version of ‘What’s on your mind?’ or ‘What would you like to talk about?’ or ‘How are you feeling?’ So in all those cases, in a traditional therapeutic environment, there’s a verbal prompt to get you to talk. And the way that adults’ brains work, because adults are rational, and cognitive, and compartmentalized, adult brains categorize everything in boxes. And I like to use the illustration like a waffle.

So when the therapist says to you, ‘What’s on your mind today?’ you have a split second decision to make that allows you to extract from a box. So what do I want to talk about today? I’m going to pull out of my childhood box. And you can spend the entire session talking only about your childhood. Arguably you could spend four, eight, or ten sessions talking only about your childhood and ignore the contents of every other box. Because we all have a parenting box, a marriage box, a friendship box, a childhood box, a happiness box, an anger box, the list goes on. So we all have these boxes, but we could extract out of one and ignore all of the others in treatment.

In contrast, when kids begin the therapeutic process, they pull on an issue. But the illustration I like to use for that is it’s more like cooked spaghetti noodles. So adults have boxes and waffles. Kids have flimsy tangled spaghetti noodles. So when the child starts to pull on the anger noodle, if you will, with it comes this tangle of all of the rest of the noodles. That’s why play therapy is so much more well suited for kids than traditional talk therapy, because talk therapy hinges on the idea that you are going to address one issue at a time. But see, kids are emotional. Kids are here and now, kids are governed by their feelings. So therefore, when they are feeling something in a moment, they will play it out because play is the expression of the feeling. So as they start playing through their anger, or their fear, or their trauma, or their experience, it brings with it all of the other stuff and it just creates a snowball where everything rolls together.

And often I describe this as layers of treatment. Sometimes I use the onion analogy because each issue is its own distinct and separate layer, yet it is part of the whole and it can’t be seen in isolation without understanding it in the greater context. So similarly, if a child begins to work on three layers, for example. So they are working on their self esteem, they’re working on their social and peer interactions, and they’re working on fear. An adult might work on fear for a long time ignoring the other two, but look at the contrast. When a child begins to work on their self esteem, they feel better about themselves. In turn, as they feel better about themselves, they interact with their peers better. Then as they interact with their peers better, they feel better about themselves. When they feel better, they worry less. When they worry less, they interact with their peers better.

So you can see how it just becomes a spiral and a cycle where everything gets momentum and it all comes as a package deal. So one of the huge reasons why I love play therapy is because it allows the child to process the world in their natural way, which is lots of things all together because it all hinges on their feelings. And look, if you’re around a child for any length of time, you watch how big their feelings are. You watch how many feelings they can experience in a really short window of time. They can go from happy, to sad, to mad, to scared in a span of five minutes. So we have to meet them in the way that they process the world and that’s what play therapy does.

Which is just another example of why I think it’s so effective. Why I know that traditional talk therapy doesn’t work with kids. You can’t just take a talk approach and sit a child down and expect them to tell you what’s going on. That’s not how they work. They’re not cognitive, they’re not rational, they’re not logical. So a huge reason why play therapy works, a reason why I love what I do.

And if you are trying to connect with your children, maybe your children are struggling, maybe you have explored therapy. Maybe you are really wanting to see some positive change in your home, and your family, and your kids. Be aware that kids’ brains work differently. They’re not just small adults, they have a completely different developmentally appropriate response to the world. So it’s helpful to recognize that it’s a package deal. Lots of stuff all together.

And our In Home Play Therapy program actually teaches you how to interact with them in their emotions, on their level, through their play. So that might be a really helpful solution for you. But even in daily interaction, be aware of meeting them in their feeling, understanding they’re not rational. They’re not cognitive, you can’t reason with them, you can’t rationalize with them. That’s not how their brains work. It would be lovely, because that’s the way we work as adults. But adult therapy is well suited for that, play therapy is well suited for kids. I hope that gave you a little bit of insight into the world of play therapy and why it’s so helpful, why it’s so effective. We will talk again soon. Bye.

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Podcast Transcript

Hi, I’m Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor. I wonder if you know what your kids are doing when they are in front of a screen. That can be their personal phone, your phone, a tablet, and ipad, a laptop, a computer. I wonder if on a moment by moment, or daily, or weekly basis you are aware of where your kids are going, what they’re watching, what they’re listening to, what they’re reading, and what kind of damage that is doing. I am extremely passionate about getting kids off of screens. I wrote a book about it. It’s called Device Detox. If you want to check it out, go to amazon, it’s available in e book and in print book.

One of my greatest concerns and my deepest burdens is the amount of time that kids are spending on screens and that no one is aware of what is being put in their minds when they’re there. The screens are damaging enough. That’s what my book is about. Please feel free to check that out and educate yourself about how damaging being in front of a screen is, just as a whole for kids. Brain damage is actually observed on scans when kids are in front of screens.

But let me take it a step further, especially for the pre-teens and teens who are always on their phones, addicted to their devices, where if you take them away, they absolutely have meltdowns and they can’t function. I have a 14 year old girl who said she didn’t want to wake up the next day because she knew she had lost her phone and she “can’t live” without her phone. When you understand the severity of the addiction that our pre-teens and teens have to devices, it’s even scarier to think about what they’re getting when they’re on social media.

Your kids cannot have unfiltered, unparented access to social media. I need to say that again. Please do not let your kids be on social media unless you are sitting there with them and you’re monitoring what is being put in their heads. They’re on Tiktok, they’re on Snapchat, they’re on Reddit, they’re on Instagram, they’re on Facebook. And every message that they’re getting takes them down a slippery slope, toxic, devastating spiral because they begin to believe things that are not true and they are given information that they don’t understand. And it takes them down self destructive and damaging paths.

I see this every day. Every day, my office is filled with kids that are suicidal. They have self-diagnosed anxiety, they have self-diagnosed depression, they’re taking quizzes online and they’re determining that they have bipolar. They’re cutting, they’re suicidal, they’re telling me that they don’t want to live. They’re telling me that they’re never going to make it through this year. They’re telling me that they don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. They’re telling me that they’re doing drugs. Telling me that they’re sleeping with their boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever, just so that they can get some escape from the real world.

And it all comes back to the stuff that they’re getting on social media. It is so scary, and parents consistently tell me, ‘I have no idea what they’re doing online. I don’t even know how to check what they’re reading. I don’t even know how to monitor their accounts. I don’t know – how would I take that away from them? I can’t just take their phone away. What am I supposed to do? Get rid of every device in the house? I don’t know how you expect me to monitor this.’

It’s all excuses, and it’s lazy, and it’s hurting our kids. You have to take a stand to say, “I am going to keep you safe, and I’m going to protect you no matter what. It’s not going to be easy, it’s not going to be fun. It’s not going to be a good experience for anybody, but long term it’s what kids need.” I was thinking back to my childhood growing up, I was never in front of a screen. We watched tv as a family at night, typically Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. And other than that, I was never in front of a screen. I didn’t look anything up if I had a problem. If I had a fight, if I was sad, if I was angry, if I was anything, I just processed it in my head and moved on. There is freedom in being not aware of everything that’s out there at all times. That is usually not true, not accurate. It leads you down the wrong path. It gives you misinformation, it’s confusing.

There’s so much junk on social media and online and it’s really, really horrible for our kids. Our pre-teens and teens are struggling to a degree that I’ve never seen. I’ve been in my practice for 16 years and from 2006 to 2015, I never had issues like this. Teenagers didn’t come in and tell me they were suicidal. They didn’t tell me they were depressed, they didn’t tell me they were anxious, they didn’t tell me that they needed to be baker acted, they didn’t tell me they were cutting, they didn’t tell me that they were starving themselves. They didn’t tell me they had eating disorders. And I see it all day every day.

And the only thing that is consistent in all of these kids is the time that they are spending in front of their phones. So please take this as a challenge with loving, kind, warm intentions. It’s not criticism. It’s not berating. It is a plea. As someone who sees this day in and day out, take a stand. Do what is right on behalf of your kids. I know it’s easy to let your kids just sit on the couch and stare at their phone. We don’t have to parent, we don’t have to discipline, we don’t have to worry – they’re sitting there, they’re on their phone, they’re looking at whatever and we can go do whatever we want. I know that’s easy but it’s not what our kids need.

Our kids need to be protected and kept safe. And what is on social media and what is online is neither. And spending too much time in front of a screen is also not safe. So it’s basically double whammy. So please be encouraged by this. I want us as society, as parents, as adults, as people with rational thought that our kids don’t have, we’re the only people that are going to say this isn’t okay. Our kids aren’t going to do that for us. It’s our job.

So I think that family values matter. I think that the family unit matters and I think that social media is dividing us from each other. In our families, kids are able to go in their rooms and ignore the rest of the family for hours. We ignore them when they ignore us. They’re happy to be at a table during dinner, not looking at anyone, staring at their device. It is divisive and it is ruining our families and it’s certainly ruining our kids. So stand up for your family. Stand up for your kids and put your foot down, draw the line in the sand, and say we’re changing things. There are going to be restrictions, and time limits, and monitoring, and awareness of what is going to be put in your brains because what you read, what you see, what you learn can’t be undone. So guard against that. It is my greatest plea. My greatest desire that we, as adults who love kids, do the right thing for them, which is making sure that they don’t have access to things that they have no business knowing and reading.

I have all kinds of information, more along this topic in other videos and other podcasts. I’ve talked about devices. So please explore those too. But thekidcounselor.com/newsletter also gets you lots more information. Thanks for being a part of The Kid Counselor Family and The Play Therapy Parenting Family. We’ll talk again soon. Bye.

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Podcast Transcript

Hi, I’m Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor. Today I want to talk about a little bit of a heavy topic, but it is necessary and it is something that we need to face. We need to address. We need to know that it’s going on. One of my greatest and deepest desires is to equip parents and adults who love their kids with the knowledge, the information and the confidence that they need to handle situations.

And unfortunately in the last two years or so, I have seen a huge, massive increase in children who are cutting. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with that term, but it’s actually a form of self harm, self mutilation and they are taking sharp objects – there’s a variety of instruments that they use and they are actually cutting their skin until they bleed, often creating scars, certainly creating scabs. And the increase in the volume, the severity, and the consistency of pre teens and teens who are cutting, it’s mind blowing to me.

I started my practice in 2006. There were never, ever kids, parents, families, caseworkers, Sheriff’s offices, anyone reaching out to me about cutting. It wasn’t even on the radar of what kids were dealing with. And in the last few years, it has been such a huge spike, and a lot of my preteens and teens that are coming in, they have cut or they are actively cutting. And sometimes it’s with scissors, sometimes it’s with straight edge razors, sometimes it’s with electric hair trimmers, Sometimes it’s with the metal from pencils, you name it. If it’s sharp enough, kids will get a hold of it and use it.

And so you might not be familiar with this. This may be shocking to you. It’s shocking to me. I see it on a daily basis. I have kids come in who are hiding their scabs, hiding their scars, wearing long sleeves, wearing wrist coverings, wearing long pants, not wearing short shorts, not wearing sleeveless shirts. It’s an epidemic and no one’s talking about it. I don’t think parents are aware. Kids have gotten so clever and so secretive and so good about when they do it, how they do it, how to hide it, how to make sure no one knows. And unfortunately when kids are coming to me, usually that means someone saw their scars, their scabs, someone caught them in the act. But that means for all the ones that are with me, there are probably 10 more that no one knows what’s going on.

So I want you to be aware. I want you to keep that in mind that you have to be present with your kids in your home. They should not be alone in their bedrooms for hours at a time. They should not be left unattended. They should not be allowed to sit in front of their screens, their tablets, their phones, their computers and do whatever they want. I can’t tell you the amount of kids that I’m working with that are in groups and forums and chats and all the information they’re getting about cutting and about how and posting pictures of it. It’s all online. So please be present. Be aware, be engaged, be involved, make your child aware of the fact that you’re paying attention. You’re looking at their skin, you’re looking at their arms, their legs.

Often where kids will cut is on their wrists, up by their elbows, the tops of their legs on their thighs, or their ankles. So be aware, casually look at those places on your children’s bodies. Pay attention, be involved, be prepared. This cannot keep happening. Our kids are hurting themselves and they all describe it as it’s a physical release. It’s a physical pain to represent the internal, mental, psychological, emotional pain that I feel. So they believe because they’ve been bamboozled and convinced on social media and online that this is an appropriate release for their pain, that because they’re feeling sad or upset or frustrated or angry internally, they need an external release of it. And that if their emotional pain gets pent up, they need a physical pain release. So they actually begin to associate, ‘I hurt myself physically so that I feel better mentally and emotionally.’ And it is toxic, and it is dangerous, and it is scary. And it is a slippery slope because as they cut, once they cut more, they cut deeper, they cut more often and eventually they have scars that are permanent. And they have a forever reminder of a year in their life when they were a kid that they had a rough year. And they will never, ever be able to forget that because there’s evidence on their body that will stay with them forever.

I wanted to share a really quick illustration because I’d never seen this before and I will never forget it. I was actually at my son’s ballgame and I keep the book. So I score the games for the official league record. And in tournament games, we’re required to sit right behind home plate, on a special seat and the scorekeeper sits next to the person that runs the scoreboard. So the woman that was running the scoreboard was sitting next to me. I didn’t know where she was from, the other team. We’re both sitting on the same bench and at some point during the game I noticed that she had tattoos on both of her upper thighs. So I was actually looking at the tattoos to kind of see what the tattoos were. And I noticed she had probably a three inch high by five inch wide patch of scars on the top of both of her legs that she had had tattooed – I presume to cover up the scars. But it almost looked like Lays ridge potato chips. If you understand what I’m talking about, it was like raised bumps across her skin, like a ribbed potato chip and it was striped in her skin, almost like striped zebra marks. And it caught me by such surprise that a I’d never seen an adult with that kind of scarring before. But she obviously is trying now to either hide it, or cover it up, or mask it, or I don’t know what the reason why that she got the tattoos was. But it just dawned on me these kids that I’m seeing that are 10 through 14 years old that are doing this really harmful, dangerous, maladaptive coping to deal with what they’re dealing with, they will never ever be able to undo it. That it will be permanently on their bodies forever as a reminder of a really crappy time in their life.

And we have to stop it. We have to know, we have to be present. We have to help, and support, and love our kids. Be engaged, be aware and it starts at home. Because yes, a teacher may see it. Yes, a friend may see it. But you are the first line of defense in the home. Don’t let them sit in their rooms. Don’t let them be by themselves. Don’t let them lock themselves in a bedroom or a bathroom. Don’t let them sit on their phones. Get them out of their rooms, get them outside, engage with them, play with them, encourage them, love them, support them. We are not going to be able to stop this cutting and this self harm if we don’t take a stand and make sure that we do the right things.

So thank you for being a part of The Kid Counselor Family, The Play Therapy Parenting Family. I know this is a heavy topic, but when things are on my heart, I feel like they need to be shared. I feel like the world needs to know what’s going on in the lives of our kids. I see it every day because of my job. I think largely the world is very unaware of the level of sadness and struggle that our kids are dealing with right now.

So thanks for standing up for your kids. Thanks for loving them well. Thanks for getting involved, and pouring yourselves into making sure that they are the happiest, healthiest that they can be. If you want more information, I have lots of info that I put out. Go to thekidcounselor.com/newsletter and I’ll communicate with you and give you all kinds of updates through that. I’ll talk to you again soon. Bye.

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‘Dr. Brenna gives great parenting tips!’ <– If that sounds like something you’d say, please consider rating and reviewing my show! Your ratings and reviews helps my podcast reach more people, inspiring them to build better relationships with their kids. Click here, (you need to be in your Apple Podcast app) scroll to the bottom, tap to rate with five stars, and select “Write a Review.” Then be sure to let me know what you thought about the episode!

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Watch the Video

Podcast Transcript

Hi, I’m Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor. Today I wanted to share something with you that’s been on my heart that I think is something that every parent and every adult with a child in their life that they love needs to be aware of. We have a 60 person wait list currently at our Center; we’re already seeing 75 kids a week, and the phone does not stop ringing. And I tell you all that to say 90% of the calls that we are getting are related to anxiety. So parents are calling in and describing things and saying, “I’m not really sure what’s going on, but I know something’s not okay.” “I don’t really know if this is anxiety, but it kind of seems like it is.” And all of the messages and all of the complaints that we’re getting from parents who are concerned about the well being of their Children, it all funnels back to extremely high levels of anxiety.

And why I think it’s important to talk about this is because I feel that it’s a little bit of a silent concern. I don’t think that it’s being discussed. I don’t think it’s in people’s awareness. And I want you to pay attention to your little ones in your life, to your kids, to your grandkids, to the people that you’re around. Be aware, notice, watch, look, listen, there are telltale things that are screaming how scared our kids are and I want us to be able to be equipped to handle that.

One of the greatest concerns that I have is that the spike of this increase has only happened within the last nine or so months. I would say probably early summer of 2020, the volume of calls for anxiety in kids has just skyrocketed. Whereas before I might have an anxiety call one out of 5, 6, or 7, now 90% of our calls are wrapped up in fear worry, anxiety, panic, OCD, the list goes on. And I want us to know what’s going on. I want us to know what to do and I want us to handle this well.

Before I get into some of those ideas though, I wanted to share a few stories of children that I’m actually currently working with so that it might shed some light and paint a picture on what anxiety might look like. Because it can look different, even though there’s some continuity in what’s going on in anxious kids. So I recently got a call from a family where the child was vomiting pretty regularly and they could not really figure out why. So they went to gastroenterologists, and they went to pediatrician, and they did all kinds of tests. And short of scoping down into the digestive system – that’s where the parents said, ‘okay I don’t want to go that far.’ But they ran almost every test they could think of. And really it was pretty inconclusive as to why he was continually vomiting. But he’s little, he’s four, and he began to associate “I throw up because I eat.” So at that point the fear became so overwhelming, so strong, so powerful, he decided that to solve the problem he just wouldn’t eat anymore.

So my little four year old comes into me the first week with an NG tube taped to the back of his neck. For those of you that aren’t familiar, it’s a tube that actually goes into the nose, down to the stomach and they can actually liquid feed him through the tube because he refused to swallow anything. Not just food, he refused to drink milk, he refused to drink water. He was extremely dehydrated. He was hospitalized. He’d lost weight. And comes to play with me with an NG tube taped to the back of his neck. And that is so shocking and tragic to me that four year old kids have such high levels of anxiety that they’re paralyzed in fear that food is making them throw up and therefore they’re going to stop eating.

Thankfully, I’ll give you some good news. Thankfully, he is not on an NG tube anymore. He is starting to eat food again and he is recovering and doing much better. But a four year old walking into my office being fed through a tube says a lot about what’s going on with our kids right now.

Another story – I’m working with a 14 year old girl, really high levels of anxiety. And recently… It started after a bout with Covid actually. She was very sick to her stomach during Covid. So Covid actually made her vomit on a daily basis for about a week when she had it and after recovery she became so, I guess, conditioned to vomit on a daily basis that she started purposefully binging and purging and actually developed an eating disorder as a result. So for about the last month or so she’s been purposefully binging and purging so that she could lose weight. Now you may say, I don’t really see how that’s an anxiety thing, that seems more like an eating disorder. But let me make it very clear what often is seen and observed in behaviors, if you boil it down and funnel it down to a root cause, it is absolutely anxiety and fear.

And what you need to understand about this girl is she is desperately clinging at any measure of control that she can get because life is so overwhelming for her. So let me set kind of an expectation of behavior for children. Kids have a very limited set of things that they have control over. So realistically speaking, you have eating, sleeping, obedience, and bathroom habits. Those are really the main four over which kids have any measure of control. So if you are watching a power struggle at home with one of those four issues – eating, sleeping, bathroom, or behavior and obedience, then that is likely rooted in a power grab. A control struggle, which often is driven by anxiety and fear. Because when you feel fear, when you feel out of control, when you feel powerless, the only thing you know to do is try to grasp and take it because it makes you feel better.

Vulnerable is scary and being at the mercy of your circumstance is scary, and the unknown is scary. So the only thing that kids can grasp onto is trying to take control where they can get it. And in this 14 year old girl’s case, she has been dealt quite a few whammies in this last year academically, personally, in her family life – there’s just been a lot going on. And the world seems overwhelming and scary and she openly admits how she has huge levels of anxiety. She’ll text me and say, “I just had a panic attack.” But what that means is she’s trying to control the world because it seems scary, rooted in anxiety. So now she’s developed an eating disorder. We’re working through that, we’re treating that appropriately, things are getting better. That was example number two.

Example number three – I just talked to a family this morning as a matter of fact, little guy, five years old out of the blue a couple of weeks back says to his parents, “Sometimes I feel pressure right here” and he pushed toward his heart. Then a little while later, he complained about his hands being clammy. And mom and dad felt his hands and they were really sweaty. At another point, another conversation, he said that sometimes he doesn’t feel well and he feels like he’s going to throw up. Long story short – visit to the pediatrician. Nothing is wrong. Clean bill of health. Everything checks out. It becomes very evident that this is an anxiety issue. What does that mean? Somatic concerns. Somatic is a fancy word for your body telling you, through symptoms, what you are feeling emotionally. So if we get a lump in our throat, we get butterflies in our stomach, we get a little bit nauseous, we get headaches, those are all indicators of emotions that are wreaking havoc on our bodies when they’re not addressed appropriately.

So after that meeting this morning, I will be starting with that little guy next week. So there’s three examples of very different looks of what’s going on with the lives of kids right now and the anxiety levels. But they’re all rooted in fear, and worry, and panic, and paranoia, and extremely high levels of anxiety. So what does that mean for us? I want you to be equipped. I want you to be able to handle this appropriately.

So first and foremost, the very first baseline thing to do is to be aware and on the lookout for things that you might normally write off as unrelated. So if a child is constantly refusing to go into a room alone, if a child is constantly coming into your room at night, if a child does not want to go play with new friends, if they’re refusing to eat, if they’re not sleeping well; there’s all kinds of things that you can easily write off as an unrelated issue. Start to look at it through the lens of ‘Could this be caused by a fear? Could this be caused by worry? Could this be related to anxiety?’ That will help create an awareness of what’s going on. Then, once you decide – “My child is that way, someone I know’s child is that way, someone in my family’s child is that way.” Once you’re aware, it’s helpful to talk about it. Not with the child, but talk about it with people in your life to come alongside and support you.

So it’s very important to meet the child in their emotion. It is not our job to make them feel better. It is not our job to alleviate the fear. It is not our job to tell them that it will be okay. It is not our job to redirect them, or distract them, or try to fix it. None of those things will immediately solve anything. What will immediately solve the issue is to reflect their feeling, acknowledge what they’re going through and let that be enough. I’ve done all kinds of other podcasts and articles and videos about the sitting in the feeling with them and letting that be enough. This is one of those instances where nothing you can do is more effective.

So the child shows you, probably nonverbally… remember they’re not verbal, so it will probably be a nonverbal expression of fear. And in that moment, you say, “You’re worried about that. That surprised you. You didn’t expect that. You’re concerned that might happen. You’re not sure. That’s confusing. That’s scary. You feel overwhelmed. Pick the feeling that you think fits best and say it back to them in a 1. You 2. Feeling word statement. “You are… (fill in the blank)” and let that be enough. They may say yes, they may say no, they may correct you, they may let that be the impetus for a whole new conversation about what they’re feeling. Don’t expect a response or a specific reaction. Just know that you are communicating to them, “I’m here, I hear you, I understand and I care.”

We call those the Be With Attitudes. Those are the most important things you can do for a fearful child is communicate through what you say and how you respond, “I’m here. I hear you, I understand and I care.” Your feelings matter, your feelings are valid, your feelings are important. I’m not going to try to change your mind. I’m not going to try to make it better for you. I’m not going to try to do anything other than just be with you in this moment.

And finally you do not have to do this alone… So takeaways: Please be aware, recognize, see what’s going on with kids that you love. Second: surround yourself with people and come at it in a unified approach where you acknowledge where the child is and you meet them in the feeling. But also know that you don’t have to do this alone. I know you may not live close to the Tampa Bay area and you may not have access to us at the Center. But we, really soon, within a month or so are launching an In Home Play Therapy program specifically to help you address things just like this. So if you need someone to come alongside you, and train you, and support you, help you understand the best ways to handle things from a play therapy perspective. You may not be able to meet with a play therapist, you may live in a state that’s shut down, you may live in a state that doesn’t have a play therapist close by. This In Home Play Therapy program is the solution to all of those concerns because it gives you the training to use play therapy principles and help your child work through their fears, their worries, their anxieties at home with you. Which is ideal because you love the child, you want what’s best for the child, you get equipped to bring them to that place of healing. So stay on the lookout. We’re so excited to launch that.

Know that the anxiety issue with kids is much bigger than we think, it’s much bigger than we’re talking about. And I want us to be on the front lines of defense for that. I want us to notice, and pay attention, and be aware, and be equipped. So let me know how I can help. Shoot me an email. Let me know what questions you have. Tell me your stories. We are happy to support you, but know that the In Home Play Therapy program might be a huge help to you as well. Thanks so much. I’ll talk to you again soon. Bye.

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‘Dr. Brenna gives great parenting tips!’ <– If that sounds like something you’d say, please consider rating and reviewing my show! Your ratings and reviews helps my podcast reach more people, inspiring them to build better relationships with their kids. Click here, (you need to be in your Apple Podcast app) scroll to the bottom, tap to rate with five stars, and select “Write a Review.” Then be sure to let me know what you thought about the episode!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I periodically add bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not subscribed, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. Subscribe now!