Then suddenly, there she was: the REAL Wendy, copper tresses neatly bobbed.  Wendy Thomas, Dave’s little girl, was personally pushing me to buy Wendy’s burgers. I loved it. I felt warm and fuzzy, the way only memories of your mother weaseling her way out of cooking for the evening can.

But with this warm glow came a creeping sadness.  A serious flaw in the Wendy’s ad campaign refused to be ignored. Wendy Thomas had changed.  “Where’s the Beef?” had been answered.

Wendy Thomas was fat.

I do not say that to be cruel, sitting here in my glass house. I’ve been known to shop in the husky aisle. And I am certainly not saying every pitch woman should have lips and tits that weigh more than the rest of her combined. But when you have a heavy-set woman representing the young, skinny, icon from your youth, gushing how a ”Dave’s Hot and Juicy” burger will do you good, it is a little like a hollow-eyed drug addict touting the joys of heroin. It is impossible to not say, “Yeah, I used to be thin too, girl. But those damn burgers of your Dad’s fucked that up pretty good. I see he got you, too.”

Real Wendy Video:

But wait! No sooner had my soul twisted with guilt over noticing Ms. Thomas’ girth, before the hot redhead showed up.  Almost before Wendy had a chance to finish waxing poetic about her late father, a young, cute, redhead appeared like morning dew on a drive-thru microphone stand. Adorable actress Morgan Smith Goodwin tacitly implied SHE was Wendy.  She didn’t say she was “Wendy,” but if a dude showed up at McDonald’s with red hair, white face, and a vaguely “creepy uncle” air about him; you’d assume the poor bastard was Ronald for the day.

Wendy Thomas was the real Wendy. Morgan Smith Goodwin was the hot Wendy. I was left with the urge to draw a good witch/bad witch comparison, when the only crime committed by Ms. Thomas was to remind me I had aged and people who rocked out to Duran Duran with me were starting to need butt-lifts.

I was being tested.

My emotions hadn’t been toyed with like this since that cute boy who, much to my glee, ultimately peaked in 8th grade. What made me want to buy a Wendy’s burger? Nostalgia or sex appeal? Or had they pulled a rope-a-dope, drawing me in with substance and then attacking with the hot chick in case a young male lurked nearby?

Fake Wendy Video:

Why put the viewer in this predicament? If you want to go with nostalgia, go with nostalgia. Don’t undermine whatever impact it might have had by immediately following it with a commercial featuring a younger, hotter version of your nostalgic star. She can’t help but pale in comparison, and that just isn’t fair to her, or the money her Daddy’s company paid your stupid asses to create the commercials and buy the ad spots.

Can we be happy remembering the square burgers of our childhood? Or do we want… NAY — do we NEED — to believe we can eat Wendy’s burgers forever and never gain an ounce?

I dunno. Someone hand me a Frosty and some fries and let me chew on it.

13 Hybrid Animals you’d want to be if you were
very silly, or just really, really high.

1. Wholphins

False Killer Whale + Bottlenosed Dolphin=Even FALSER killer whale.

Half Whale, Half Dolphin. Kinda like that kid in the front row of math class - Really smart, but a bit of a weight problem.

False Killer Whale: "Hey Baby, I have NEVER seen a bottlenosed hottie like you!

2. Oak Tree Hybrids

Nature’s tree-trollop mates with anything. Species-namers commonly joke about not being able to keep up. You probably remember all those “oak trees are such whores!” jokes whizzing around the internet.

I am so freakin' horny. Hey you! Grass! Yeah you... that's quite a blade you have there, Sugar...

3. Liger

Liger – Lion & Tiger (oh my). Largest cat in the world. Except maybe that thing Abby from Abby Has Issues just adopted. BA DUM DUM! (kitty ain’t bitty).

Jungle Island, an interactive animal theme park in Miami, is home to a liger named Hercules, the largest non-obese  liger (<—I like the way Wikipedia adds that “non-obese” bit in there.The other FAT liger says F-YOU, WIKI!). Hercules is recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest living cat on Earth, weighing over 904lbs. Or in Charlie Sheen-speak, about a weekend of pussy.

HIM: ROWR! I'm a tiger! No wait! Look! ROWRR! I'm a Lion! HER: Whatever. Either way you're a douche, Martin.

4. Leopon

Lion and Leopard (apparently Lions get around, but really, who’s going to stop hybrid animals that can eat you.)

Sure I'm FAB-U-LOUS! But it isn't easy with every Housewife of NJ trying to turn me into a coat/purse ensemble.

5. Zebroids

 Zonkey (Zebra/Donkey), Zorse (Zebra/Horse) and Zony (Zebra/Pony).

Zebroid hybrid animals are the offspring of zebras and any other equines, like horses, a donkeys or Tori Spelling.

A Zonkey - the offspring of a slumming zebra with low self-esteem. But ya gotta dig the leg warmers - Jennifer Beals eat your heart out - What a Feeling!

6. Green Sea Slug

Hybrid Animals so green Al Gore claimed he invented them.

Slug & Plant. Green sea slugs are hybrid animals because they taught themselves to produce their own chlorophyll. Basically, it kept stealing plant characteristics until it practically became the plant, just like your roommate in college with no knowledge of The Grateful Dead suddenly started following Phish around the country after she met that guy in the tie-dye tee. When mothers say “You can grow up to be anything you want, sweetheart!” they’re usually hoping you move UP the food chain.

It's easy being green... for ME. Suck it, Kermit.

7. Pizzlies (Grolars)

Grizzly Bears + Polar Bears = Coca Cola commercial that kills you.

I thought this Pizzlie was SO cool I immediately shot it dead!

8. Beefalo

Cow & Bison (Double your subfamily “Bovinae,” double your Whopper.)

Beefalo, or B.A.C. (Big Ass Cow). Kind of like my Aunt Dot but more tastefully dressed (she looked more like the Leopon).

9. Mules

Horse + Donkey.

Ok, so not a real "mule" but mules are just horses with big ears and this is SO much cuter.

10. Geep

Sheep & Goat (A Shoat is already a young pig, so you have to go Geep. Plus, it just sounds cooler.)

Sure you could count sheep, but why not count Geep? Oh. Because they freak you out. Fair enough.

11. Cama

Camel + Llama

I’ve said it before, but I’m pretty sure Llamas and alpacas are aliens living among us. First they mate with camels… then Marlboros… then HUMANS.

Oh, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!

Whaddyou lookin’ at, Earthling? I got the butt-lift, now I just need the nose job and I will BE YOU.

12. Savannah Cat

Savannah cat is the offspring of a domestic cat and a serval—a medium-sized, large-eared wild African cat. These hybrid animals weight 20lbs or more, but it’s their stunning length that catches the eye.  I’m not a huge cat fan, but I gotta say, a cat that could walk around in my robe is pretty impressive.

Mind if I hop into your jeans and go get a tuna fish sandwich?

13. Repubocrat

Some hybrid animals almost look human. Liberal pundit James Carville, married Republican political pundit Mary Matalin. They produced two female Repubocrats, which surprisingly, look almost normal. Surprising not because their parents are from diffent parties, but because Dad is James Carville, a post-molt snake.  The daughters aren’t holding dogs, they’re holding LUNCH. Let’s look away before they detach their jaws…

First Published in Defenestration

It’s so cute, the way your little Jessica jumps for the bow in my Chloe’s hair. Jessica has good taste, I can tell you that! Jessica is…what?  Three?  Oh, she’s four? So is my Chloe! They must be in the same class at Key School! No? Not in school?  Oh. Well, Jessica’s only four. I understand. Chloe’s been in school since birth, but she’s 98th percentile in “attention adaptability” so we feel it would be irresponsible NOT to keep her away at school most of the time. They charge us four times as much, but it’s worth every penny.

Yes, she is quite large for her age. Funny story about that…As a baby Chloe clamped on to me and we couldn’t detach her for six days. Had to pry her little gums open with a pair of silver ice tongs and a car jack. But there’s a bright side! We’re sure that incident accounts for her 99^th percentile score in “atypical evolution progression,” and it saves so much money being able to share clothes with her. Thousands, really.

Whoops! Looks like Chloe’s lodged in the slide tube! Oh don’t worry, she’s broken free of much stronger materials than that — there she goes. Told you. Nothing to worry about at all.

I just wanted to thank you for inviting Chloe to Jessica’s birthday party. We’ve never been to a place like this before. We had Chloe’s fourth birthday at the Hilton, but it was a mistake, I’ll tell you. The shrimp was room temperature. Horrible. Chloe’s 97th percentile in “environmental sensitivity,” so it was pretty upsetting for her. The party had an Egyptian archaeology theme, and between the warm shrimp and King Tut showing up two hours late, the man playing the mummy should have known better than to chase her like he did. Even so, we offered to pay for all his medical expenses. Your party is nice and simple. No elaborate sarcophagi. It’s just that Chloe is 95th percentile in “anatomical mania” and she’s always had a love for old bones. Any remains, really. When her Nana died we couldn’t pry her away from the casket. We had to grease her hands with dish soap and get the funeral director to help pull. She SO curious!

What’s that? Licking the wall? Oh, Chloe’s testing the chemical composition of the felt. She’s 93rd percentile in “sensory audaciousness,” that’s how I know. She uses 100% of her senses for everything. It can be very exciting.

Look! Now my Chloe’s trying to bury your Jessica in the plastic ball pit! How wonderful of Jessica to assist Chloe with her relentless experimentation. Adorable. There’s your little Jessica now! —oh, never mind, she’s down again. Would you like some gum? I had to dig through all of Chloe’s Chess Participation ribbons, but I found my pack. Chloe’s 96th percentile in “square identification” so chess was a no-brainer. On her personal chess set she snapped the head off the king and queen to promote sexual equality. She’s quite the little activist! We’re not sure what eating the pawns represents; something to do with the role of the proletariat.

So, anyway, we must get going. Chloe is 92nd percentile in “pattern consistency” and if we don’t keep her on a tight schedule she gets pretty creative with her hair. Our gift is on the pile; it’s the one wrapped in organic natural fiber paper with Chloe’s art in red marker, right there on the left. You’ll know Chloe’s paper! She’s 94th percentile in “creative defacement” and designed it herself as a surprise when we left it unattended on the table.  I’m pretty sure she tested its chemical composition as well, so I apologize if it is a little damp.

Happy birthday to little Jessica. I’m sure we’ll see her in school when she catches up! Ciao!

The Girl Who Bounced

There once was a girl who bounced,
Off the horse, to ground, she flounced!
But she didn’t stay there
She flew up in the air
And back on the horse she pounced!

Well, I guess it is more of a limerick without anything that rhymes with “uck.”

This friend reminded me that we used to write brilliant poetry when we were young. Like her surprise-ending Spring sensation:

Spring Spring

Spring, spring,
What a wonderful thing!
Birds sing!
Bells ring!
People bring
Ling Ling
The Panda
Food.

Nobody saw that coming.

I penned the Blues classic:

There’s a Stone in my Shoe

There’s a stone in my shoe
I don’t know what I’ll do
There’s a stone in my shoe
I think I’ll name it after you
Because it does nothing but bring me pain….
and it seems you’re doing just the same…
There’s a stone in my shoe
I think I’ll name it after you
Baby.

And together, we birthed the rap sensation:

TOMATOES! (They’re the way to be)

TOMATOES!
They’re the way to be
If you don’t like Tomatoes don’t talk to me!
I go by the name of  Master S-U-E
And I rap better than AMY

Now listen up brothers, mums and kin
If you think Sue’s better than it’s a SIN
And tomatoes? WHAT? They’re so gay
MEATLOAF RULES on this fine day 
And in case you didn’t know my names AV
I tell you I’m shreddin’ – Can’t you see?

Whatcha sayin’ meatloaf?
You are a big  joke
Tomatoes are the real thing
Better than a Ring Ding

Brrrha-ha-ha-ha TOMATOES! 

If you like tomatoes better then it’s your loss
How about meatloaf with tomato sauce?

Yeah Bud! That’s the answer!
I never could sing but I am a dancer!

Rappin’s where’s it’s at, wouldn’t you say?
We’re gonna Brrha-ha-ha our lives away!

I think the Fat Boys Brahahaha “Human Beat Box” additions are what catapulted it straight to the top of the charts.

How ONE of us isn’t poet laureate by now, I do not know.