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3 Sadistic Betrayals...From Children's Movies

Thu, 02 May 2013 11:46:44 GMT

It goes without saying that since I had kids I have been treated to a rerun of all the kids movies I grew up with and then the newest ones that I barely understand sometimes. With an adult mind I look back and realize now just how horrible some of these movies really are. Honestly, there isn't this kind of betrayal and drama in Soap Oprahs. It's like every movie is Lord of the Flies or something because we all took a cue that Lord of the Flies was how kids would turn out if left to their own devices, so it makes sense that we should raise them to think those sentiments and experiences are normal. Right? Yeah, I don't get it either, but here's some of what I'm talking about.

Toy Story
At first glance this is a happy move about the question of one's place in the world, acceptance, and forgiveness, even misunderstandings. But in reality, this story paints a picture of humanity so terrible it puts Quintin Terrentino movies on the same shelf as My Little Ponies. Honestly, I think most people miss it and writers want you to miss it, because everyone is focused on the end. But its not how it ends that so terrible but how it begins.

Remember Woody? He's Andy's favorite toy and he's also the guy in charge. As a humble organizer he spends his time attending to the anxieties and needs of others. It seems that Woody is set up to be a character that is a little proud, but honestly, if a regular person got that kind of preferrential treatment from a godlike master they'd be so high on themselves they'd be detached from the rest, constantly glaring down on them with distain at their peseantry. Always using their position to manipulate others for whatever whimsical purpose they wish. Much like celebrities do. But instead Woody responds to his fellow toys with concern.

In the first few moments of free time he jokes with another toy, an etch-a-sketch. You know that guys been forgotten since first grade, the very fact he associates with him is humble enough. In their "staff meeting" we see he has ensured the rest are aware of the dangers of plastic corrosion, by having another toy host a class. Then he responds to their anxiety about getting replaced by taking action. He organizes the troops (toy soldiers) to go downstairs and plant a radio so they will know what Andy is getting for his birthday. In the end it appears that he has satiated their fears as no replacement toys are given. Everyone's greatest fear, the one they are all unilaterally terrified of, being replaced by their godlike figure, passes.

Actually no, one character does get replaced, and forgotten...Woody. Andy gets a Buzz Lightyear and suddenly Woody is at the bottom of the totem pole. It seems like a lighthearted reminder that the last shall be first and the first shall be last, but that's the only part of this scene that is remotely Chrisitian in nature. The rest is good old fashion original sin and selfishness.

Woody gets replaced and sent from top to bottom, a move that typically psychologically cripples celebrities...and no one cares. Seriously, everyone falls in love with Buzz a guy who seems cool, but just like all the cool people, is only consumed with himself. So Woody's reward for looking after everyone else with his position of leadership is being demoted to the bottom and being forgotten and ignored by everyone he helped. Also, the guy on top's a real jerk. So how does Woody react?

He pretty much should go insane. Maybe rob a convenience store or something, do PCP, and wind up in rehab after burning his last favor with anyone who might care about him. Only he doesn't even have that. Under that kind of distress he miraculously refrains from going on a shooting spree.

Source: mosquitocannon.blogspot

Movie Review: "Joshua" (2007)

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 11:09:14 GMT

Don’t get me wrong, I like some individual kids quite a lot, but children as a whole? There’s a reason my husband and I have a one-bedroom apartment filled with books and animals. Children are loud. They’re messy. They’re unreasonable. And they always want to play with my toys.

I also heartily dislike the malarky about children being “innocent”. Anyone who was bullied in elementary school will tell you that kids are bloody-minded little sociopaths one shipwreck away from being The Lord of the Flies. So, being a horror fan, you could say that I rather gravitate towards the whole “creepy child” subgenre. From the classics like “The Bad Seed”, “The Omen” and “Who Could Kill a Child?” to more modern flicks like “The Children”, “Whisper” and, of course, “The Ring”, the evil child subgenre has some fine examples of horror cinema. And I’m glad to say that we can now add “Joshua” to the list.

Joshua” is a very basic story. Brad and Abby are an affluent New York couple who have just brought home their second child. Newborn Lilly is an adorable, sweet-tempered child, and her nine-year-old brother, Joshua, seems to instantly gravitate to her. Of course, it’s not long before things start going wrong, but I’m not going to go into details, because it’s really the sort of thing one should see for themselves. One of the unsettling things about the character of Joshua is that he’d likely be one of those kids I actually really get along with. He’s intelligent, quiet, artistic, loves music and books, and has a weird fascination with both death and Egyptian mythology. Except for the unnerving skill at piano and the willingness to indulge in sports, watching Joshua is like watching a male version of myself at that age.

The story really is one that we’ve seen many times before, but what really makes this film are the performances. Every actor here is excellent, but I want to focus on Vera Farmiga (Abby) and Jacob Kogan (Joshua). Vera Farmiga’s portrayal of Abby as a woman dealing both with post-partum depression and possible gaslighting is masterful and remarkably poignant, especially given the way post-partum depression has leapt into the media spotlight in recent years with the likes of Andrea Yates.

But the real star here is Jacob Kogan, and Jesus Christ but is this kid good. His performance is genuinely spine-chilling, giving the perfect rendition of a child who genuinely does not understand emotions and human interactions. There’s a particularly shudder-worthy moment when Brad, the father, finds his beloved dog dead. Joshua watches his father weep over the dog’s body, then performs a perfect imitation of him, right down the tone of voice and the rhythm of his sobs. It is genuinely disturbing.

Some might find “Joshua”‘s pace overly slow, but to my mind its reminiscent of some of Hitchcock’s or Polanski’s works, carefully building the atmosphere and developing the characters. It all builds to a conclusion that most of us will no doubt see coming a mile away, but honestly, it’s the most logical ending there is, and seeing it coming in some ways makes it all the more heartbreaking.

I think, in the end, the only thing I found truly lacking was more interaction between Joshua and his uncle. I can’t explain why without spoiling the end, but trust me when I say it’s a lack that you will feel at the end. But this is a small piece missing from a masterful puzzle.

Finally, I’d be remiss if I failed to mention “The Fly”, the song written by musician Dave Matthews for the movie, and then performed by Jacob Kogan at the end of the film. Given the events the audience has just witnessed, it is impossible not to be chilled as he sings:

Source: nerdsraging

Bad Cinema: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (Dir: Rod Amateau, 1987)

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 12:02:21 GMT

What does a 0% really mean on Rotten Tomatoes when the film in question can bring such joy? What does a 0% mean when the film in question oozes with originality and has you coming back three times in one week to desperately try and catch every nuance and file every line of dialogue away for later to appear even more cult-worthy than you already think you are? What does a 0% mean when the film in question is The Garbage Pail Kids Movie? Absolutely nothing.

The Garbage Pail Kids started as a series of collector cards meant to spoof the Cabbage Patch Dolls. As a child of the 80s, I was deeply rooted in the world of the Cabbage Patch. My mother even made me one, Andy, that I slept with for years – until at ten I saw Child’s Play and hid him for ever and always in my closet; a closet that, incidentally, with the swirls of its faux-stain, reminded me of that creepy painting from Ghostbusters 2; making me forever fearful that either the closet door or the doll would emerge at night and murder me in my sleep.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie came out when I was four and even though I was a progressive child, heavily steeped in the culture of my adolescence (the search for Beanie Babies became an unrelenting quest throughout middle school…), I was unaware of GPK the film and GPK the cards until the hunt for Bad Cinema had begun.

Bad Cinema’s roots began with Showgirls, the greatest worst movie ever. My steadfast love for Verhoeven’s mess-terpiece was unstoppable. In the past four months, I have watched it a minimum of eight times and am kind of dying to turn it on right now. It is the gift that keeps on giving (thank you, Elizabeth Berkley). I have been searching week after week for something to rival its splendor, its quotability, its pure audacity in a lack of taste. And I have found it in The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

As the credits begin to roll, a garbage pail shaped space ship, complete with Spaceball One style taillights, hurdles towards Earth. Leaping from its bowels, we are introduced to the cast via their GPK trading cards. Anthony Newley, a Tony and Oscar nominated composer and co-star of the much maligned musical Doctor Dolittle, is the only “name” actor in the film. In fact the GPK are introduced only by their character names: Messy Tessie, a girl whose nose constantly runs, even going so far as to drip into her mouth; Foul Phil, a baby with horrible breath; Nat Nerd, a boy with horrendous acne and a super hero cape who randomly pees on the floor; Windy Winston, whose favorite past time is farting; Ali Gator, an alligator boy who eats human toes; Greaser Greg, a Fonzi wannabe with a switch blade and a touch of misogyny; and Valerie Vomit, who…well, I’m sure you can guess. From jump street, we know we are in for a wild ride.

But these are their Earthly forms. The GPK are really a glob of green goo living at the bottom of their trash can spacecraft. Captain Manzini (Newley) has been keeping them safe for years on the top shelf of his magic shop. That is until Dodger (Mackenzie Astin), his assistant/ward (? we never see or hear of his family…) is beaten up by the toughest gang of thugs this side of Blackboard Jungle and send the pail tumbling to the floor.

Now this isn’t the first time we see the bullies pick on poor Dodger. First off, Astin is actually 14 playing a character who is 14 as opposed to the mid 20 somethings attempting to pass as high school students; an insane trope of any movie starring teenagers like we don’t know what real teenagers look like. Secondly, we have seen the bullies (led by the fabulously retro ’50s creep in an oversized David Byrne jacket, Juice) turn Dodger upside down in a park in broad daylight for his lunch money (has this ever really happened in real life ever or merely a cliche of the cinema?). Wally and Blythe (an obvious descendant of John Waters’ most delicious deviants, dressed in her yellow and black zebra print and fingerless gloves, cackling lines like, “My kinda guys. Psychos.”) even throw Dodger into a sewer after he hits on Juice’s main squeeze, Tangerine. And not only throw him into the sewer, but turn on the sewer pipe, sending piss and, yes, chunks of defecation onto his face.

But down the stairs the Garbage Pail Kids descend to rescue the boy who has set them free from their prison (“That pail be jail,” Greaser Greg tells us). Somehow, also in broad daylight, the “children” (the GPK are played by little people in horrible costumes with big plaster heads) drag Dodger through the streets and back to the antique shop without anyone stopping them or asking why he is covered in waste.

You see, the children truly are heroic in their actions to save him. They have braved the “normies” with the ever impending fear of being kidnapped and taken to the State Home for the Ugly. Captain Manzini has kept them protected all these years, but now that they have escaped the safety of the garbage pail, the only place the ugly GPK are safe (what a statement!) – and refuse to return! – they must be ever vigilant to remain out of the clutches of anyone offended by their hideousness. If only the world knew what Captain Manzini does: “Ugliness is not in a mirror. Ugliness is cruelty, meanness of spirit.” Or little people in horrible costumes with big plaster heads.

Dodger takes a bath that evening in the middle of the basement with all of the kids and Captain Manzini watching him. This is odd and creepy for the obvious reasons, but it gets even creepier when Messy Tessie (my personal favorite of the bunch because the actress employs a similar voice to the one I use to speak to my dog, coincidentally named Dodger) proclaims “He’s got cute legs!” while Ali Gator tries to eat his toes as he wiggles them sensually like Lolita beckoning Humbert.

But Dodger has bigger things to worry about than getting oogled by mysterious kids from outer space. He is in love with Tangerine. But she is too busy selling her wears at the local discotheque to care (“I’m gonna sell my way out of this town!”). And boy are those girls ever clamoring for her fashions! When Tangerine arrives with her duffel bag full of originals, they are literally running from the club, fiending for the latest creation to make them look like Cyndi Lauper’s Down-Syndromed, color blind sister (honestly, how was tying tulle in your hair and wearing an asymmetrical leotard as a dress not always hysterically tacky? Although that outfit made out of traffic signs is straight up Fish…). But no! Juice arrives and steals all her money, Jack Gordon style. This boy just ain’t no good.

But Tangerine, the shrewd business woman that she is, decides to take matters into her own hands and seduce Dodger for his own fashions! Well, the fashions that the GPK have made to help him impress her, that is. And she falls for that Michael Jackson military knock-off hard! Suddenly, the GPK are putting on their best Rumplestiltskin hats, turning out a dozen outfits a weekend to help him seal the deal. I guess they really don’t have anything else to do. And they do kind of owe him one for letting them out. And he did promise to help them find their missing friends in exchange. Besides, as the Sesame Street style musical number tells us, while they break into the Non-Union Sweat Shop to steal sewing machines, “We Can Do Anything By Working with Each Other.”

But they can’t be cooped up at their machines all day like they are working for the Kellwood Co. They need to get out and tear up the town! So while Captain Manzini is busy trying to write some musical spell to get them to go back into the pail, the GPK break out incognito looking like girl scouts from Troop Beverly Hills and head to the movies.

As The Three Stooges (in one of the few public domain; therefore, oft-used shorts, Malice in the Palace) seem to serve up a terrier to a bunch of Muslims, the GPK make a ruckus, kissing patrons, sneezing popcorn all over the crowd, and proclaiming for all to hear that Ali loves to eat dog. Ali also loves to get drunk. He and Windy go to a bar, “The Toughest Bar in the World,” where they drive their motorcycle through the window and kick ass because the patrons are attacking Gator for trying to eat someone’s foot. Then, a random bar patron steps in, proclaiming these little guys have guts and buys everybody a drink: “To all the little suckers of the world!”

All their movie theatre shenanigans and bar fights really makes those GPK’s hungry so they steal a series of food trucks, build a camp fire in some grungy back alley, and pig out on hotdogs and Pepsi.

Meanwhile, Captain Manzini and Dodger have found the State Home for the Ugly and Dodger is working harder than ever to be a Seymour to Tangerine’s slightly liberated Audrey (Manzini’s Antique Shop’s facade bears a striking resemblance to Mushnick’s). But when she finally meets the GPK, she, like most normies, are disgusted by “these ugly things”: until she discovers they were the ones that made those fashionable threads! And she does have a fashion show coming up and needs all of the samples she can muster. (Apparently, Sue Ellen Crandell ain’t the only teen fashionista in the game…)

While at the fashion show, Tangerine has sent word to Juice that the GPK are ripe for the taking to the State Home for the Ugly where they will collect a large sum of money for helping clear the streets of their hideous faces. And it must be a very large sum because now that the GPK are locked up, they can’t make outfits anymore; outfits that helped her secure the fashion show in the first place. Tangerine is definitely not thinking about the future.

Once Dodger learns the truth, he and Manzini employ the patrons at The Toughest Bar in the World to aid in breaking them free. Out of their giant cage – emblazoned by the words TOO GROSS, btw – the GPK use their “special skills” (bad breath, farting in the face of danger) to escape. Free at last, they run to the fashion show to wreak havoc and get revenge. Dresses are ripped off to reveal the most colorful undergarments possible (yellow cheetah print bras? really?) as the GPK take back their fashions from Tangerine’s sour tyranny. Windy knocks out the audience with his gas, Dodger knocks out Juice with punches that look incredibly real, and with Juice’s goons pinned underneath her, Valerie Vomit finally lives up to her name.

But Tangerine, ever the entrepreneur, goes to Dodger later that night to apologize because despite all of the absolute insanity at the fashion show, the clothes were a hit. And maybe, just maybe, they can be friends. So the GPK will continue to make her clothes. But Dodger is not swayed: “I don’t think you are pretty anymore.” Tangerine is left in a state of shock.

Manzini has finally figured out the magic incantation to force the GPK back into the garbage pail. But as he begins to play the out-of-tune melody on his piano, the children decide to make a run for it and brave the world on their own. Manzini is worried at first, but at last learns the lesson of the film: “Perhaps it would have been safer to have locked them away from the world, but you can’t change the world by locking yourself away from it.” The Garbage Pail Kids ride off into the night on their mopeds to form a better place for us all.

Source: cineaste83.wordpress

Epic – May 2013

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 11:50:41 GMT

20th Century Fox are behind Epic, a 3D animated feature from director Chris Wedge (Ice Age, Robots) which is set in a forest inhabited by tiny people. When a teen age girl finds herself magically transported into this secret universe, she must band together with a rag-tag team of fun and whimsical characters in order to save their world…and ours. The film features the voices of Beyonce Knowles, Colin Farrell, Josh Hutcherson, Amanda Seyfried, Johnny Knoxville, Aziz Ansari, Pitbull, Jason Sudeikis, Steven Tyler, Blake Anderson and Judah Friedlander.

Source: filmonic

Oz: The Great and Powerful

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:36:23 GMT

Sam Raimi, director of the Spider-Man trilogy, will be taking audiences back to Oz. The prequel to The Wizard of Oz is produced by Disney, who will be hoping to replicate the success of Alice in Wonderland, and stars James Franco, Mila Kunis, Michelle Williams, and Rachel Weisz.

Circus magician Oscar Diggs (Franco) thinks he’s hit the jackpot as he’s transported to the Land of Oz, but his encounters with three witches (Williams, Kunis, Weisz) and the problems facing Oz’s inhabitants encourage him to become the great wizard they’ve been expecting. It’s actually the only live-action film on this list, and is included based on the PG Rating it’s received “for sequences of action and scary images, and brief mild language”.

Source: filmonic

Review: Production spoils Cold War Kids' 4th album

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 08:57:39 GMT

Cold War Kids, "Dear Miss Lonelyhearts" (Downtown Records)
The four-piece indie band Cold War Kids released their debut EP, "Mulberry Street," in 2005 while they were still working out of one member's apartment in Fullerton, Calif. That record featured "Quiet, Please!" — a unique, drama-building, slow tempo tune that showcased lead vocalist Nathan Willett's somersaulting tenor.

After a few more EPs and albums, and relocating to Long Beach, the band is releasing its fourth full-length album, "Dear Miss Lonelyhearts." Willett's unique vocals are still their signature, but this 10-song collection is uneven. When the arrangements become crowded, instead of adding color or ornamentation, the songs get weighed down and are less interesting.

"Dear Miss Lonelyhearts" lacks the wonderful energy heard on the 2010 EP, "Behave Yourself," which included original songs like "Coffee Spoon" and "Audience." The guitars were simple and bright, and the drums an efficient motor. Willett's voice is theatrical and dominant, and best highlighted with sparser arrangements and even slower tempos.

The title track is the most effective song on the album for precisely these reasons. There's space for Willett's voice to soar, the guitars are pretty, chiming along a plodding tempo with restrained reverb. The drums rumble like ominous thunder. This talented singer needs some room and understated accompaniment. Unfortunately, this record affords him too few opportunities.

Source: movies.yahoo

The Croods – March 2013

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 15:30:09 GMT

The Croods is a family cavemen story directed by Chris Sanders (How to Train Your Dragon) and Kirk DeMicco (Space Chimps). It follows the Croods family during a previously undiscovered era known as the Croodacious – a wild environment full of amazing creatures. Their task is to find a new family cave, and they do so with the vocal talents of Nicolas Cage, Emma Stone, Catherine Keener, Clark Duke, and Ryan Reynolds.

Source: filmonic

Escape from Planet Earth – February 2013

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 14:36:25 GMT

Escape from Planet Earth will feature the voices of Brendan Fraser, Rob Corddry, Ricky Gervais, Jessica Alba, and Sofía Vergara, and takes place on planet Baab where admired astronaut Scorch Supernova (Fraser) is a national hero to the blue alien population. A master of daring rescues, Scorch pulls off astonishing feats with the quiet aid of his nerdy brother, Gary (Corddry), head of mission control at BASA. Ice Age: Continental Drift storyboard artist Cal Brunker is directing from a script he wrote, and the film will be distributed by The Weinstein Company.

Source: filmonic

Calendar of New Releases - Family and Children's Movies (2013)

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 14:53:07 GMT

Here is a list of the new kids and family movies coming out in 2013. Most of the movies included are rated G or PG, but with the recent explosion of PG-13 titles that are aimed at and marketed to families and kids (superhero movies, adventures movies and such), I have included some PG-13 titles for the benefit of parents and families with older kids. New updates are coming for the 2013 movie slate every day, and these release dates may change.

Source: kidstvmovies.about

For the Kids: Movies, Crafts and a Concert

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 14:41:34 GMT

Each week, we'll give you the info on the best family activities or events for the week. You're time-pressed enough, so we're happy to do the research and find the best things to do and places to go, both locally and within reasonable striking distance. Look for the kids' planner each Wednesday, and help us build the planner with your own suggestions and tips‚ just add them to the comment box. We want to hear from you!

Source: nyack.patch