Killer Rants

Is it Too Much To Ask For My Spammers To Get To Know Me Better?

2008-06-24T00:52:01-06:00

Who the hell is buying “replica watches” from adds stuck into blog comments? I really want to know. Someone must be doing it, because I continuously get about fifty comments a day caught in my spam filter from people commenting about “replica watches” and more specifically where you can buy them. For the record, if I wouldn’t wear a REAL Rolex, why the hell would I buy a fake one?

There is also a large number of people offering stock tips through my blog comments. I’m not exactly Warren Buffet. It would probably better benefit them to pick someone who actually knew how to buy a stock. If I was to buy even a single share in a company, let’s say in McDonald’s, I would be a total jack ass about it. I would laminate my stock, I guess they give you some sheet of paper proclaiming your owner ship, take it to the nearest McDonald’s and demand my Apple Pie be made fresh...immediately...and smile damn it! Don’t you see I own your ass. Then I will probably laugh like some mad man while waving my laminated single share. If I bought a couple of thousand shares...man, I would probably just move in and sleep in that giant, e-coli infested, pit of balls in the playland.

At least the plethora of Viagra, Cialis, and penis enlargement medications seem to be a valuable product and make me think the spammers are targeting me properly. All I am asking for is a little thought in my spamming. Don’t just throw a bunch of shit against the wall to see what sticks. However, if I was interested in purchasing some penile enhancing or virility inducing medications, I would not be ashamed and try to get it online. I would proudly walk into my doctor’s office and loudly proclaim, “Doc, I’m getting some action...a lot of action...so much action that I can’t get enough erectile satisfaction to keep up with it. You had better give me some sort of magic pill to better enable me to pound out all this sweet va-jay-jay that is being tossed at me like cheap beads at Mardi Gras.” I would then take said prescription to the biggest, busiest pharmacy around, grab a 36 pack of condoms (in assorted colors), the biggest bottle of tingling lubrication available and carry it all up to the counter to fill my prescription by puffing out my chest and saying, “Guess what I’ll be doing tonight....TWICE!”

Expose Deux

2008-06-19T21:35:00-06:00

Do you remember around 4 months ago when I went to get a pedicure and gave the dude doing the pedi a major flash of crotch? I finally got my nerve up and went BACK to the same place (it’s RIGHT up the street) Tuesday afternoon. I felt pretty comfortable. I am almost certain the man did not recognize me. I felt secure and relaxed and enjoyed the experience.

Until I left the salon and got into my car and realized the button across my chest was undone!

I’m not kidding. This is TWICE- the only two times I’ve been to this place- that I have exposed my unmentionables to this Vietnamese guy.

Valerie says the guy is going to think I’m after him and that next time I leave the salon I’ll find a note on my car.

I said that I agreed and that the note would read “Whore, leave my husband alone”.

Hiatus

2008-06-17T01:11:00-06:00

Okay, my posting has become more and more slack. I am in the process of opening a new business and it is kicking my ass. For any one who is contemplating this move...the beginning stage is very frustrating and it sucks the life out of you.

Killer Rants w/Liz is down, but not out.

I hope to be back in the blogging mood soon, and might still post sporadically for the time being.

Plus, there is always Liz. She is known for taking long stretches off inexplicably, so keep she might be posting regularly and it just seems to be a big break.

Please keep us in your feed reader, and if you don’t use a feed reader...how the hell do you keep up with the blogs you read? Do you just click on them randomly everyday? That seems very inefficient. You should work on that.

Right now many of you have seen that I posted and came here from your feed reader to see what I deemed worthy to crawl out of my hole to blog about, only to find out I am telling you I am not going to post. I don’t blame you for being pissed off about that.

The Perfect Date

2008-06-09T05:01:00-06:00

I LOVE this concept. The world is finally catching up with my ideals. This is exactly how I like my dates, and I would be willing to pay by the pound...usually.

Family Fun With Frogs

2008-06-06T05:06:00-06:00

It is sad when the funniest thing I have seen in a long time is a Family Guy skit. Plus it involves a dead frog. I don’t really understand what it is about this that I find so funny, but it makes me laugh out loud.

I usually even think they carry a scene on too long, but this one is just hilarious. Sorry to all you frog lovers.

A Common Thread

2008-06-05T20:25:01-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person who thinks of certain things or behaves in peculiar ways. I know I can’t be, I mean, CERTAINLY someone else…

1. Has fantasies of having all personal zits and blemishes combined into one giant Blit, probably located on the ass or back of one knee
2. Thinks that home air conditioning units should have an option of nitrous oxide. And that this should be government subsidized.
3. Believes that figs are greatly under rated
4. Knows that a cigarette COULD be made that has health benefits
5. Spends, and for years has spent, countless hours designing their dream home- with absolutely zero chance of this home ever being built or owned
6. Sometimes answers questions out loud.... when no one else is in the room. Sometimes it’s even worse. It’s like a grunt or an ‘Hummmmm’ instead of a real word
7. Pretends to have her own cooking show where profanity is the spice of choice
8. Thinks regularly of MacGyver and Magnum
9. Is actually proud of how many hours they can sleep
10. Is terrified of ostriches

Anything listed sound like you? Or am I truly alone with this one?

The Search Ends Here?

2008-06-04T22:44:01-06:00

Take the Religion Test at Quiz Rocket.com!
Free MySpace Quizzes & Online Quizes.

I have spent the past hour looking on line for a meaningful quiz to help me frame my religious beliefs. The first quiz told me I was a Christian, and read, “Ekk. I’m vomiting. Can you tell I’m an Atheist?” This let me know that either a very immature adult or silly teen angst created that quiz. I’m sure it’s on someone in Arizona’s Face Book page and kids between 12 and 16 are FREAKING OUT that someone’s BFF didn’t get the same score as the rest of the choir group.

I’m not one to give up easily, so I kept looking for the right fit- an adult woman on a serious quest. After continuing to search, because I know I’m not Christian in that I believe that Jesus Christ was simply a man, I discover another quiz has me categorized as an Atheist.

This isn’t correct either.

I don’t see how I can be scored as both an Atheist and a Christian within 50 minutes of taking these test!

I’m looking for a valid and thoughtful quiz that will teach me about various religions and ask probing questions. I feel like I share beliefs with some religion somewhere, but my Southern Baptist upbringing never exposed me to it. This week I have been on a mission to find a definition- to at least increase my understanding and view of what God may be. I feel like this is an important thing to have an opinion about, yet I spend very little time thinking about this topic.

I don’t believe in the power of prayer, but I do believe in the power of God. I don’t believe that Jesus came as the martyr to save our souls. I don’t believe that an ark carried 2 of every animal through a flood. I do believe Jesus was born and crucified and that a massive flood did occur on Earth. I think that Science and History are ways to discover God and I don’t think the evidence is there yet to enable us to view the story. I don’t know if there’s a heaven or a hell and I don’t know if we come back in other lives. I don’t know if demons and angels are real, or manifestations of imagination. I have a lot of questions and really weak opinions. I’d like to care. I want to know.

And I love that we have the free will to ask.

So… a little help here? Anyone know where I can go to learn more? No propaganda, no church websites, no invitations to wear a long dress and be one of 16 wives to some Texan asshole. I’m just looking for some answers while it seems to matter.

I’ve Lost That Blogging Feeling

2008-06-04T00:11:00-06:00

I’ve been pretty lax in my blog work as of late. Hell, I have pretty much been phoning it in for the last few months. In case you haven’t noticed, Liz has been out blogging me, and that is pretty hard for her to do. At least one of her 25 cats is usually sleeping on top of her computer key board, and she hates to disrupt their peaceful slumber.

I’ve noticed that this is not a problem that is restricted to me. Several of my old faithful blog compatriots have been slacking off and going at it half heartedly. I have even noticed a lack of effort in my spam comments. I used to get hundreds a week full of valid attempts to fool my spam blocking programs. Misspelled words, exclamation points, and my all time favorite, “Wow this is an awesome blog! Speaking of awesome, wouldn’t a larger penis be awesome? Check out this amazing website.”

Now they don’t seem to really care about my penis size anymore. I only get about 50 a week and they are worded, “small penis? read this.” Even a mediocre spam blocker, or even Windows Vista, could tell that is bad and block it.

I have no idea what can be done to boost my blogginess. I have been really busy working for money and working for the prospect of money. Unfortunately, the prospective money is much more time consuming, and much less rewarding. I am thinking of taking all my financial worth and going to Vegas, finding the nearest craps table and putting it all on one roll of snake eyes. That would at least be more efficient and have immediate results. It’s the waiting the kills me.

I hesitate to put myself in a slump, but rather view it as an incline that is causing a temporary slow down. The beer isn’t as tasty right now, the Gold Bond hasn’t been as tingly on my testicles, and I have been too busy to go to Liz’s house and fart on her newly upholstered chairs. Those are my usual spirit lifting, “glad to be alive” moments, and they are not working. What is a simple man to do when the simple things are no longer simple?

Don’t cry for me Argentina.

I’ll be back soon enough, and when I do...I’m doubling up on the nut powder, grabbing a six pack of beer, two burritos and heading over to Liz’s house. Because if you can’t share your happiness with the ones you love, what is the point in being happy?

Rent is For Chumps!

2008-06-02T02:23:00-06:00

Here is one for paranoid schizophrenics and frightened children everywhere.

Japanese Man Finds Woman Living in Closet

A Japanese guy apparently noticed some food missing from his apartment, so thinking some thing fishy has been going on, set up hidden surveillance cameras in his home. He noticed a woman walking around his apartment eating his food.

He calls the police, they search the apartment, and find a woman living in a crawl space in his closet.

Holy Shit! How many times, for you parents, has your kid stated a fear of something being in the closet? How many times, for you schizos, have you KNOWN that somebody is in the closet? Well it might just be true.

Those damn Japanese can live in the smallest places.

So, you hear some scuttling in the walls and assume you have mice...Yuck! You have an exterminator come to your house to spray and set “humane” traps, only to have him report, “Well, you don’t have mice.” You sigh a deep breath of relief until, “But, you do seem to have a small Japanese infestation. I caught two in a humane trap...one committed Hara-Kiri, and the other I am going to release back into the wild. Probably near that Benihana, downtown.” You ask if that was the last of them, but he shakes his head, “They breed pretty efficiently, but if you see two, there are probably more.”

The lesson here is: If your soy sauce seems to be running out faster than it should...you should probably double check the closets before dancing in front of the mirror naked to “foot loose”. You might not be alone, and those guys LOVE some bad eighties karaoke.

Amazing Opportunity

2008-05-31T20:56:00-06:00

Do you have a wonderful idea for a business that would be relatively low-cost to begin but you’re just too lazy to do it? Relinquish that idea to me and watch it get placed into action! Experience the satisfaction of having someone else, desperate to do something of value in her life, become wealthy because of your creative genius! You are guaranteed not to be hassled with any of the credit or financial reward! All you have to do to get in on the ground floor of this wonderful opportunity is submit an idea in the comments section of this post that is deemed likely to succeed. I’ll then take your idea and claim it as my own!

Act fast! I’m about to lose my mind and need to take action before the insanity becomes full blown!

Dear Blog Reader,

I remember when I was content at work; when I was happy and fulfilled and felt love for others. Those days feel like they belong to the ghost of a person I am no longer.

My personal friends still kick ass. At work, there are just asses. Although I work with two or three outstanding people, many of those with whom I most interact are less than wonderful, to put it kindly. I am having a hard time dealing with attitudes that stem from imaginary emotions and judgements for acts that weren’t committed. I can’t understand behavior at these levels and I don’t know how to connect personal dislike to business.

I know where I have failed. If you’re unappealing to me, I push you out of my personal network. I, however, try to be pleasant when we have to interact and I also try to focus on the task, not you as an ass. I think most people can’t do this and are unable to comprehend that it can be done. I think most people think that if I don’t care for them personally, they are under no obligation to do their job if I’m the one making the request. That seems idiotic to me. It’s not like I go out of my way to be rude to those I don’t care for. Actually, it’s a passive opposite. I usually don’t bother you in any way- even with ‘hellos’. No need to interact until we have to, right?

I want to give you background on what I mean by unappealing so you don’t think I’m some cold, judgemental jerk. If you are so riddled with personal problems that you want to spend all of your work day discussing those problems, that is unappealing to me. If you constantly want to complain about your job, instead of just doing your job, that is unappealing to me. If you are moving on a destructive path and refuse to take action to change directions, that is unappealing. If you seek to make others look bad because you cannot perform at the same high level that they do, that is unappealing! I was once accused of treating our office’s AA like a secretary.... can you explain that to me, please? And what the fuck is wrong with being a secretary? How is that a ‘bad’ thing? I didn’t make it bad. It doesn’t seem bad to me. I. DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND.

I’ve also run into those who harbor some sort of grudge because they have had to help with a project that I was leading and their schedules did not accommodate this project. Not my problem, my fault, or my call, but I’m still the bitch in the story, somehow. I’ve sent very nice thank you emails, I’ve been very nice on the phone, and I’ve praised the job they did. All of this has been met with coldness and even a phone being slammed down on me.

Can anyone help me understand what the hell is going on? Seriously? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

It’s enough to make me lose my love for fellow man. No wonder anteaters hate us.