KillSomeTime.com: Recent Jokes

7 Dollar Sex - Funny Joke

Mon, 14 May 2012 04:00:00 UT

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

The Dog Track - Funny Joke

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 04:00:00 UT

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again." What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."

The Angry Salesman - Funny Joke

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 04:00:00 UT

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?" "Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said. "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically. "No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded. He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked. "Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks. "No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more. Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" "Five dollars," was the familiar response. "I'll take that too!" the man said. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

Walmart Shopping With The Wife - Funny Joke

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 04:00:00 UT

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

Only 6 Weeks To Live - Funny Joke

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 05:00:00 UT

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

The Handsaw - Funny Joke

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 05:00:00 UT

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his dick and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

The Hammer - Funny Joke

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 05:00:00 UT

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

The Doctor and The Patient - Funny Joke

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 05:00:00 UT

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk. "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."

A Box of Tampax - Funny Joke

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 05:00:00 UT

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

The Christmas Party - Funny Joke

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 05:00:00 UT

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache and unable to recall the events of the night before. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Cindy," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," she said. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

The Strip Club - Funny Joke

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 05:00:00 UT

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

30 Cheesy Pick Up Lines - Funny Joke

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 05:00:00 UT

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a footlong! Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see! Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock! Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. I'd marry your cat just to get in the family. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade. Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy. You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case. You make my software turn to hardware! My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to! Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package. When I first saw you, I knew we could win the Stanley Cup in tonsil hockey. Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus. Did your father have sex with a carrot? Cause you've got nice eyes. My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. I'd suck a fart out of your ass and hold it like a bong hit. There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it. Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas? Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? There are 206 bones in the human body... do you want another one? Do you have a keg in your pants? (No! Why?) Cause I'd like to tap that! Wanna ring in the new year with a bang? What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper! Lets play carpenter. First we get hammered, then I'll nail you! If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays? Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got FINE written all over you. Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious! You're like a prize winning fish. I dont know whether to eat you or mount you. Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!

One Liner Dirty Jokes - Funny Joke

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 04:00:00 UT

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut! What's the difference between oral and anal? Oral makes your day, anal makes your hole weak.

Halloween Costume - Funny Joke

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 04:00:00 UT

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear." The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party! The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you dont like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you dont like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

High School Sweetheart Revenge - Funny Joke

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 04:00:00 UT

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this: She took a Polaroid picture of herself sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I have a new boyfriend leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome: He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

The Doctor and the Bee - Funny Joke

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 04:00:00 UT

A young husband and wife were sun bathing on a nude beach when a bee buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, carried her to the car, and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the bee was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the bee. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?" "Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

Three Hillbillies - Funny Joke

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 04:00:00 UT

Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she dragged home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!" The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"

The 7 Most Important Men in a Woman's Life - Funny Joke

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 04:00:00 UT

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." 2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." 3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?" 4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" 5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!" 6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!" 7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

Simple Truths - Funny Joke

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 04:00:00 UT

Simple Truth 1 -------------- Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed! Simple Truth 2 -------------- When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying, "Congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job". Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated!

The Cheating Husband - Funny Joke

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 04:00:00 UT

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. She was filled with rage and With super-human strength, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to....to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said: "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

The Two Drunks And A Hot Dog - Funny Joke

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 04:00:00 UT

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog." The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!" The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!" The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me." So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back. The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor." The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

The Hooker and The Accountant - Funny Joke

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 04:00:00 UT

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That doesn't sound very good. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!" "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

The Horny Husband - Funny Joke

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 04:00:00 UT

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"Howd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "Thats my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I cant believe this happened. Why didnt you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I havent spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasnt about to start now!"

Rodeo Sex - Funny Joke

Mon, 06 Jun 2011 04:00:00 UT

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

Its when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear...

"Your sister was better than you!", and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!

So how bad is the economy really doing? - Funny Joke

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 04:00:00 UT

Women are having sex with their husbands/boyfriends because they cant afford batteries.

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing Sponsor an American Child commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonalds is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldnt afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six wont leave the light on for you anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street"

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.