'Kimmy's Garden '

2012-01-31T10:43:00.000-08:00

nightfloating.blogspot.com

my blog change ...again

2012-01-28T19:30:00.000-08:00

I am now transferring my journey of my brain problems..
9.my lump) to a new blog ,id like to keep this more as a record of happiness ,I do recognise it got a bit heavy at times(a lot) and it really should be kept as a record of how I really do love my life . my brain is becoming so clear about somethings now so this really will be a daily diary as it were, with the usual photos and my best buys! lol she said , as her garage sale is still going !lol ....make way for new huh ! my new blog is called Floating .xx

Good day .....except for rain ,

2012-01-27T04:27:00.000-08:00

I had a couple of sales ,then the rain came down ,as we know that's our city ! ,still I slept for a couple of hours and then sorted the garage sale stuff a bit better .I've got to go up to the top of the road at about 6 to put a sign up ,not if its more blimen rain though . I don't mind how long its going to take to get the stuff gone , I really dont want to take it with me so anything not gone will be taken to the Sallies . I was suprised at myself at what I'm letting go , a few things I thought I couldn't part with ,I did ,as they say only keep what you love or if you haven't used it for a year get rid! Tiare helped out there, he said 'no mum you do love that ,and that one can go cos it annoys you when you trip over it lol! its a lamp which for some reason I had on the floor ,I did break it a while ago but it is fixable ,but me trying to fix it = more breakage lol.

I found Tiares camera and got a bit of a shock ,there was a photo of me the week or so after I got out of hospital, after my 2010 liposarcoma in my stomach operation ,and I was staying at my mother's ,I don't really remember that time well at all . I can't believe how thin I was ,and look hair! ,I had the strangest feeling ,like looking at a stranger ,me, but not . Talk about one extreme to the next! now I'm 3x the size ! and bald ! this really is a yo yo illnesss ,or journey this cancer business!

Garage sale ......moving on!

2012-01-26T11:01:00.000-08:00

Hi all ,I'm having a garage sale from today till its all gone .....so if your in Auckland, Waitakere esp come along , I wont put address on here(i was told not too?) ,oh I 'll say the road ....Hepburn road Glendene and you will see the sign .but if you go to kim murray @facebook ? under create event under auckland .or e mail me I have a photo with the white scarf on .I am selling clothes ,lamps ,linen ,toys ,heaters ,you name it I ve probably got it ! there will be a donation given to the Cancer Society NZ ,which I will be handing over to my Social Worker to hand on ,this will be photographed and recorded . So come along even if its just to say hi ......have a lovely day everyone .

Post OP Review on a gorgeous Summers Day ! ......what could be better?!

2012-01-25T07:07:00.000-08:00

I had my review yesterday with the neurologist and it was good news ..he has signed me back to my oncology team and dosn't need to see me unless anything untoward happens again . I am so happy ,I was very nervous today which isnt like me ,but this news is the best ,I still have to have a follow up to radiation scan, but to not have to go to yet another specialist regularly is like a holiday! I asked about my co-ordianation and thinking processess and he basically said what they always said 'any improvement is good ,no change for the worst is good and that it takes a few months after brain surgery to recover too what even seems normal .

Tiare and I had a wee celebraton ,I made some cupcakes .A lot of my recovery is down to this incredible boy of mine ,he has coped so well and it has been hard for him a lot I know .We are good talkers though ,we argue ,and laugh, and cry together , he stands up to me and also is so compassionate .Thankyou bub ,we are so proud of you ,your dad will be smiling from up there !

me and my boy

happy 6 week milestone

thanks bub

I' m awake sooo early ! but I went to bed early and I only really get about 4 hours straight .Still it is good to have a head start today as I' m sorting things for my mini garage sale on Saturday ,.
I' ve been listing on trademe too ,mum said I can sell some peices as there is a bit of it so I' ve kept back the real heirloom ones and selling the rest . Well I'm off for a cup of tea , oh and the summers day we had .....it really was a pure Auckland gold summer day ,hopefully today will be the same .

Great weekend ! ......... and Cars , Peonie D uvets and Baby Blue Aprons

2012-01-22T05:42:00.000-08:00

I had a fabulous weekend ,
I socialised, ate lovely food ,had a couple or three of baileys on ice! (very yummy) and talked and talked to all and sundry about my move ,everyone has said its the best thing so I,m so pleased. I have this bubble of excitemnt all the time , and I'm feeling so well at the moment and invincible ! long may that last huh ?considering my moods! although the radiation caused a few problems in that area. I'm a bit annoyed at myself re my scalp though , as I seem to have developed another sore spot, I can't take the full daily dose of the anti b's cos of my ileostomy ,so maybe it will take longer to heal, plus with daily hair loss I'm always rubbing the hair away.
We said goodbye to the N issan ,it was my fathers car which he bought brand new in 1989 ,he gave it to me about 5 years ago ,so it's only been in the family ! it was his pride and joy and I was suprised how teary I got ! I know I won't be driving again, well not for a long time and she needed a bit of work which would have cost more than it was worth so ............

bye bye nissan

bye bye duvet!

bye bye aprons!

I'm selling a couple of things on Trademe ,trouble is I only did a 3 day auction which maybe ? wasn't the best move , but I' m so worried with my memory etc or getting sick , and not completing trades on time ,that I figured the shorter the time the better and I put on very low reserves lol ,still I, m quite prepared to lose money as thats the gamble you take, so this lovely duvet cover will be gone in a few days! I didnt use it a lot at all in fact, but I did love it and these gorgeous aprons ,they are as new

I bought them off a lady on trademe who is probably one of my favourite sellers ever . but I have more and they really just sat in the cupboard ,they are the sweetest though aren't they? I'm downsizing my linen cupboard ,and yep probably will fill it up again !

I have so much as I have been given a lot from mum's and my aunties as well ,,these wont be sold as most of them are pretty much antique so would like to pass them on . quite lovely talking with them about the history of the pieces. . I am so nervous as the first auction closes before 7 this morning,didnt even check the end time!!and then I changed it once but I couldn't change the day! to 4 days , lol the things I' ve forgotten, I was almost a professional at listing and selling before .I'm going to write down step by step instuctions to follow for this weeks listings and do 4 days. I need to mae a few cosy's too ,I keep saying that don't I ??!!

******HAVE A GREAT WEEK ******

So the hair is going!!!! ...................

2012-01-20T04:44:00.000-08:00

Didn't realise Monday was the last day I posted ,time flies when your'e having fun!!! .yes, I was sitting at the dining table chatting to my friend and put my hand through my hair and a handful came with it ,I yelped ,she said' What what what '?,so I told her and we cried lol! even though I was expecting it ,it was just like you see on the movies ,shock!! anyway typical us, the jokes started 5 mins later and they haven't really stopped! she is the best medicine for me is miss C . It has been a good week since Monday ,last radiation was Tuesday , I got my meds upped to help with headaches and my scalp wound is being dressed daily by the district nurse ,my cleaner came ,although thats a bit of a story ...lets just say I'd like to know who trains the ladies ,she is a lovely lady but with rather strange ways of doing things ,I will chat her next week ,I couldn' t the other day as I had visitors at the same time .

My mask

bye bye hair

heal thy wound!!!!!!!

Serenity ,I have figured out the look of the mask ,every session I would go off to a place of calm .......it shows .I'm pleased. I am gettng some artwork done on it too .

Speaking of serenity ,my Meow when she is not being her often prickly self!!!! in her favourite spot on my blanket!

Today an old friend came for lunch ,    we had nothing to do with each other for 10 years and since I got sick   we have been in contact ,we grew up togerther and gosh I missed her ....lets just say because of her amazing forgiving nature we are back on track ...I did her very wrong and well I'm just so thankful ...I am not the person I was back then but she still had every right to not take up the friendship again ...thankyou my dear friend .   My daughter and grandchildren also came for a suprise visit so it was extra special ,I made the most delicious quiche ,one of the easiest ,tastiset recipes ever! ...I will put a link up when I figure out how !!   I also went to dinner at the said Miss C 's onThursday ( ,so it must have been W   ednesday with my hair) ,anyway I' m very proud of myself as part of my getting on with things is to get social again ,and I' m lucky no one minds picking me up etc ,   so yes I feel very blessed this week .

The best news till last,    a friend has a property out east way ,     its one of the nicest areas of Auckland ,pretty much one long beach looking out to Rangitoto Island ,with shops, cafes,, parks ....it is up for rent and provided I can rent out the top floor to make it affordable for me , self contained studio    apartment , ( which she already has someone in mind
)       I can have it ...oh to be by the water in such lovely surroundings in a lovely cottage type house! ...fingers crossed!! T is a bit wary as he may have to change schools ,although my friend did offer to take him ....this has made my day!!!!   It will be so healing with the water etc .......so please all good vibes to me !!!!!   it is 2 mins walk to the water!!! It's meant to be I know it!!!! /watch this space ...... Have a Loveyl Weekend   ........................

Day 9 ........

2012-01-16T01:37:00.000-08:00

I needed to look at this again tonight as I had a bad day , Feeling very self absorbed and sorry for my self off and on all day .I had the headache from hell ,the worst one yet ,so bad I thought I would have to go and get pain relief ,it had settled by about 6 and I've been okay since...just okay , I still feel rather fragile. I got all down about wanting to get back to 'normality 'voiced my thoughts to my mother how I'm sick of appointments and everything to do with cancer ...so she points out another appointment coming up I'd forgotten about!!?? I tell you it pays to not speak sometimes!! . I don't deal with people very well anymore and I was actually known as a good communicator ,I know it s part of the damage to my brain but it s' a catch 22 as

I dont want to be treated any different either ,but I guess you cant change others ,I ve just got to change the way I deal with people ,which is hard work too . Better day tomorrow !!!

Very tired tonight .......

2012-01-15T03:08:00.000-08:00

I may sleep soon I think ....I havn't slept all day so I 'm feeling it now . I cooked a lovely roast meal for dinner tonight too which was very nice . James my student who mows the lawn came ,so I didnt have to do it after all! I did some weeding and there is still so much to do ,its a bit of a mess ,thanks to all this rain and no sun! I picked a couple of tomatos too which hopefully will ripen a bit more in the sun,when it deems to shine . ...My bedroom tidy up ....except look at the hole in the pillowcase!! I can't believe I didnt notice it and I have a lot of other cases I could have used ...I must have been away with the fairies again ! and the bedside bookcase is on an angle...gee maybe time for lessons I think!

My mantra and the lovely locket my sons gave me for Christmas .

Vintage White .........Sunday

2012-01-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

I got inspired this morning ,so I took a couple more photos ......So nice to wake up to a clean house too ! I think as I said I will getout into the garden today .....lawn mowing here i come?????!!

My favourite day ......

2012-01-14T02:53:00.000-08:00

I know I always say it but it really is my favourite day ,although today wasn't actually that pleasant at times as I slept a lot and had terrible nausea at times , I couldn't even move sometimes and I even had to get Tiare to pass my water and it was only inches away , he
s gone to his aunties for the night so at least he gets to have some fun with his cousins .He said to me yesterday 'Mum can I tell you something,only don't get angry ' I said yes and he replied that "this has been the most boring holiday ever! and I' m sorry for saying it ' poor kid , more so that he thought he might get a telling off! I am planning to take up home (northland) for a break in the near furture ,my sister has a caravan at a camping ground so hopefully we can have a holiday when summer finally starts!

When I felt a bit better late this afternoon I vacuumed and dusted and wiped down surfaces etc ,I still find it hard to vacuum ,hence my home help, but at least I didn't trip myself up today ,I took it slowly ,so my house is lovely and sparkly ...no leggo in sight either! My lawn is looking terrible ,I think I might borrow my sis in laws mower tomorrow and do it my self ,surely I can manage it . I love mowing lawns ,its different from a vacuum cleaner huh? don't think I can wrap myself around it!!?

So here's a New Years Eve photo ,I'm not putting the one with the whole outfit as I still don't like to look at ALL the weight I have put on!!! and its looks like I'm growing something out of my left ear!!lol ,Tiare took it though and I think he did very well! My hair is a lot more patchy now ,I am losing it a bit more each day ,not sure whether to shave it or just wait and see and just wear my scarves till it all grows back after radiation is finished .I have decided to keep it short though ,I like the change . here some of Tiare and I before op I think ?welI have hair (just checked yes this is just before going into hosp) we were being silly lol ! and me the day I went in hospital ,can't beleive how happy I look???? that was nice actually looking through the last couple of months of pics ,it shows that it hasn't been all bad ,still lots of smiles and laughing amongst the sadness , It is good to look back sometimes to have a reminder . Also to see how much I have re arranged things in the house ! I have decluttered so much since Christmas ! and I like it so much better. Well I must get to bed or at least lie down and read my book . I should be doing my crochet!

day 8 .......and lots of white !

2012-01-13T04:04:00.000-08:00

nightime

daytime ,so you can see it is white!!

my white roses ,I'm picking a bunch a day .

the sun shone for 5 mins!

My un-hanging planter! I like to loook at it out my window ,its grown so much!

My favourite geranium ,growing madly now I've repotted it. ,and chillies.

I had a good day today ,went to treatment early then came home and washed all my bedding ,hung it out before the rain ,ironed it all and remade my day bed up all in white. I found a couple of throws in the cupboard that  I've never really used ,they are rather pretty and perfect for my all white theme . please excuse the pics ,as per usual didn't remove foreground/background stuff! ,one day I will get it right ! ,also I was trying not to disturb my black cat Meow ,she looked gorgeous on the white , she thinks my white fluffy throw is hers! ,but of course she jumped off!! I remade the bedroom up too , ,but its still not quite finished so     I will take some tomorrow . I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon to ward off the nausea ,unfortunately I woke up to it too ,but it settled after I had eaten.   I'm looking forward to just staying home for the weekend with no trip to the hospital ,still only 2 more to go ,then it will be the waiting game again untill I have a scan.   I'll try not  to think about that too much .

I've thinking up things I can do for my mother to thank her for the trips to the hospital and also my friend C . I've not liked mum having to do this as she should really just be worrying about herself but I guess I  couldnt have stopped her . If Tiare had been at school I would have used the cancer society drivers but he needed a sitter so that didnt work. I am really blessed with the support and encouragement I get esp those I have met up with again on Facebook ,an old friend sent me a laptop she wasnt really using yesterday ,I mean isn't that just the nicest thing! I get daily inspirational quotes from people too .   So yes I am a very fortunate lady!   some people have backed off and a few of them have suprised me in this ,but I guess its their issue and I cant let it affect me too much .I did this myself too,   when my beloved aunt was dying , I still feel tremendous guilt to this day ,as she was one person in my life that I adored ,she taught me so much over the years and always had time for me , I have excuses of course I do but thats all they are, and I can't justify them in any way . Aunty Aureole ,I love you and always will and I really really miss you .

I don't believe how wide wake I am again and it's nearly 1 in the morning ,I guess its the afternoon sleep that does it and the meds! can't forget the meds sigh . I also can't believe how much I go on about sleep and eating ! it 's like having a baby in the house agaain except I'm the baby!!   and look how many I's are in this text ,a blog really is an' All about me thing 'isn't it?!!   Still why not? lol   I also have a headache agasin ! so I will now have to wait up a bit longer to take some more panadol ,I only took some at 10 (I think) I sould really write it down at night . I would love the headaches to stop ,it may take a while apparently ,oh what joy ........... Well I think I will watch the movie 'Girl with a pearl earring" I have never seen it   . Hope you have a good weekend all .

Day 7 .....

2012-01-12T03:06:00.000-08:00

Only 3 mores sessions to go ,yay ,but thankfully the side affects have settled ! I haven't even had a sleep today ,which is most unusual ,mind you I had visitors , daughter ,kids ,and mum, after we got back from the hospital., and the cleaner came, then Sue, the cancer society social worker ,,so quite a busy day. It was good to vent a bit to 'Sue ,she really does get 'It' and she gave me some good advice. I'm now worrying about how Im only having such a short radiation time ...I know ,I know , I should be greatful and I am ,but it also brings up a few fears in the fact that maybe they cant do much more anyway ? I know they say they got it all etc but the likelyhood of it coming back still remains , I guess its just a waiting game and I do obsess about things a lot !

I'm worrying about lots of things ,but this is okay too , I just need to get well!! and keep the depression at bay . I took some pics of myself, but honestly people I am not going to put them up ,talk about awful ,so bad I laughed! then looked in the mirror 30 or so times to see if I really do look that bad lol ! I don't (well not in a soft light hehe) so roll on makeup day !!! Its times like this I wish I was one of those natural beauties I tell ya!!

my bed

my night life!!!

I thought I'd do a rearrange around the house tomorrow if I feel up to it , I hardly go in my bedroom anymore apart from to get clothes as I sleep in the lounge so I will give it a pretty up ,change the duvet etc ,Ive got quite a pretty pink one ,anyway, titivation time it is . The garage room had been such a hit with the children ,they watch tele and play with their cars ,they dont even make a mess ! so I'm happy it gets used ,I'm always in there ...doing laundry lol ! Ive got addicted to the sky channels ,namely, living and uk tv ,,so I tend to be in the main lounge a lot ! I love my bed I have set up ,in fact everyone loves it ,it is so comfortable as a day bed ,Tiare is always trying to beat me to it . I have the coffee table all set up so everything is within reach for the long nights ,as I dont sleep more than a bout 3 hours and that' s usually from about 2.30 in the morning ,but then I do have my day sleeps (apart from today). To be honest I do feel a bit hyped tonight ,so maybe overtiredeness has caused it . Notice the dreaded pill box I have ,I tell you if there is one thing that makes me feel like an invalid its that! and I'm relatively lucky as I don't take half as many meds as some do . I was told I probably shouldn't have it out all the time ,but with my memory and I' m quite slow to get moving when I do wake it

My morning wakeup !!

s easier to have it close by ....at least its a pretty box that I knew would come in handy when I bought it! so there we are another day in the life of my changed life ......but hey once I'm recovered from the radiation ,which by all accounts could be a month   to 6weeks ,I
m sure I'll remmeber these days with a certain fondness! cos its so not me really ! I've had this cancer for 2 years and have never really felt like a 'sick' person ,   quite a hard realisation that now I do   ,and I guess a bit freeing to admit it in some ways ,because gosh,      I do get so tired ,its a tiredness that seeps into your pores and its nothing really to do with lack of sleep , or the symptoms or the surgeries,    i'ts just a tiredness that I think is natures way of saying ,"
Hey,  ! you can be quiet ,   you can just sit   ,You can cry with it ,   you can feel the pain in your head , your back , your feet ,   and it's okay to say it ....out loud . It's okay to shut out the chatter and the noise that goes on around you ,     while you just stop and feel ....everything . You can sigh and put your feet up and feel the tension ease ..instead of jumping up again ....and blocking it . ,because how can we heal if we ignore what our bodies are saying to us ,?   If we are fighting to keep moving ,not resting     ,busy busy busy ,   how can the good cells fight the bad ,   those armies are forming all the time, good cells need peace and calm ,   bad cells thrive on the go go go ,       so yes I'm tired but it's a good tired , a healing tired   ,and I'm going with it because I want to be well .

Day 5 ...........

2012-01-10T04:07:00.000-08:00

I felt really well this morning ,then went to treatment at lunchtime and it wasn't so good ,it was the first time I had to make a mad dash from the car to the toilet when I got home ,but it soon passed and I slept for most of the afternoon . At least I managed some housework beforehand and picked some of my white roses ,they have gone mad ,so it's lovely having them dotted around the lounge . .they make me happy to look at them .

Tiare has gone to his sisters for a couple of nights so he gets a break from me! he is so good though and I don't have to really worry about him when I'm sleeping ,he is very self sufficient and amuses himself with his leggo and dvd's, and the computer ,he is a mad 'Top Gear' fan ( an english TV show about men and their cars ) and he watches old episodes on u tube! as well as sky ,
I tell you if this child doesn't have a career concerning cars I'll eat my hat! ,and I don't mean car salesman type thing either (not that there is anythig wrong with that ) it's more he knows so much about classic cars , makes models and all the latest ones too ,he is a walking encylopaedia  .

I haven't taken the photos of   myself as the camera decided to play up after I had taken some pics of the roses ,will try again in the morning . My scar is very irritated at the moment too. so I must get it looked at tomorrow by the nurses .   I ran into the physchologist today and I' ll be seeing her in a couple of weeks, she was very helpful last year when I saw her so it will be good to catch up . I do have a lot of " issues " for want of a better word , I have so much anger at times, it doesn't sit well with me ,and it's not anger as such about being ill again but the fact that the tumour had changed my way the brain thinks / it's hard to explain ,eg things I may not have thought about for years will flash in my head and I get angry about it ,they are never good memories ever ,so I'd love to get to the bottom of that if I can ,I hope it will settle down .    Good question that "what will change forever?'
I know everyone treads around me on eggshells as they aren't sure if what im saying is what I mean ,or they immediatley think I can't do something when really I function a lot on the same level ,it drives me nuts , and makes me angry ,or they try and talk to me with their intelligence when all I want is patience ,I really don't care about the ins and outs of things. those minute details which  added up mean nothing ., . You can really tell the people who have not dealt with brain issues well ,I learnt a lot from M and my father and I thank god I have retained a lot of it ,and I
m happy to say I know I was a lot more understanding than some of the patronising rubbish I put up with.

Well that was a big vent ,guess the anger came up a bit ! still that's what this blog is all about ! mmm they seem quite strong words especially for me, as I said it doesn't sit well ,but I always said when I started this that I will say what I think .   I will end on a grateful note and say I am very grateful for the help,love and support I receive ,I know I am very blessed to have such good family and friends . ..

Day 4 of treatment ...... a bit yuk!

2012-01-09T03:29:00.000-08:00

The side affects are kicking in a bit more now, lots of sleepiness and nausea , have started taking the maxalon 2x a day today , ,I m still eating but my appetite is not what is was. which is probably a good thing. smell of cooking are getting to me a bit ,I may even take people up on their offers to cook a meal , I dont take up many offers ,silly really as it will help . I've been getting in to my treatments early most days ,am back home again within the hour . The worst time is the hour straight after ,and the ride home doesn't help as its like motion sickness so I feel every jolt ,brake etc on the road . I actually fell asleep on the way home today as I find if I close my eyes it helps and I drifted off . I slept for most of the afternoon and I'm feeling a bit sick now so sitting up for a while may help it pass .

Emtionally I'm feeling a bit numb ,I ve started to think a lot about what if ? after radiation ,the metastisis come back ,quite negative thinking for me really ,usually im great at denial !lol ,I guess when you go through this everything seems so, or too much ,to comprehend at once and it comes through in dribs and drabs .I do feel I'm wasting a lot of time! what I could be doing ,etc but I also know I've got to make getting well a priority . I'm looking absolutely frightful too ,got a bit upset about that on the weekend too ,but I'm okay now ,I still do a good 'beauty '? regime every night and morning ,my skin has never been so soft lol ,red an d blotchy but its soft ! my hair is growing really fast too ,its very grey but still with a few blonde bits ! Tiare thinks its a 'cool' colour .I will take some photos tomorrow, it's weird but I do want to remember what I looked like going through treatment .

5 hours sleep !! yay

2012-01-06T12:41:00.000-08:00

lol ,the things I get excited about ! I setteled in at 1.30 am as usual this morning to watch the movie on vibe ,as I do every morning   ,next thing I knew it was 5 am and I turned of the tv and slept till 8 !! missed pill time ,but, oh sleep glorious sleep   !

Day 3 of radiation yesterday ,had the usual instant headache about 10 mins after treatment and a sleep ,but the nausea wasn'
t too bad ,I talked to the radiologist as I thought it was too early for side affects but she said they probablably are,and anyway if one of them is sleeping I 'm okay with that .Not that I want to sleep my days away I don't ,too much to do, but after being so sleep deprived for so long it's good for my   health to have more rest .I am even making proper rest times ,like a little old nana lol !but it does help ,and now I'm reading again its nice to drift off for a while after a few chapters .

My roses have gone mad! I 'm picking them everyday ,its so nice having flowers in the house all the time ,I spent some time in the garden yesterday ,tidying up and looking at my lawn which needs mowing desperatley ,my student is away so will have to wait till he's back unless some kind son in law comes and does it for me lol! although he's away too .

So this rain ! , I couldn't believe it when I woke this morning ,where is Summer??? I 've been quite down at times about going through all this in the hols but I have so much sympathy for those who have worked hard all year and now they cant enjoy their time off without rain ,rain ,rain!   and typically it will be hot ,and stunning blue sky's ,when the children go back to school!

Also thoughts to Christchurch people ,now they do have it hard ,they have been plagued by more aftershocks over the last week or so ,and by all accounts a bad night last night . I really don't know how they do it ,I go on another message board at times where there are quite a few ladies from there and their amazing attitude and the way they handle it all blows me away .These are young women mostly with young children , I really do take my hat(scarf) ! off to them . So lots of good vibes to all of you in Christchurch .

Well the child is still asleep ,mind you another late night for him, I'm dreading school starting as I'
ve got to get him into a routine again . I have let him get away with lots! and I guess have given my control away, we had an argument at 11 last night as he thought he'
d go on the computer! I did put my foot down ! I do not like late night rows like that ,it's up to me to put it right . A lot of it goes back to his dad dying too ,he got through a lot of bad times by diverting his attention (,stopping bad thought guess ) with his games and dvd's etc and as a mum you don't want them upset so I let it go a lot as long as we talked about M,
I thought it was okay ,but I realise now we probably diverted too much and this habit is still here 2 years later .

Have a lovely weekend all, in spite of the grey skies AGAIN!!

Day 2 ........Radiation

2012-01-05T02:59:00.000-08:00

2 down 8 to go ! got there early today and went pretty much straight in so that was good . I don't know if its in my head(excuse the pun!) or it is a side affect but i don't feel so well about 10 mins after the treatment ,the metalic taste in the mouth is quite strong and i do feel a bit nauseous . I then sleep for awhile when i get home .It seems to pass though and i have had a good evening ,managed to cook a nice dinner and spend time with Tiare .

I belong to a Fb group and we are all survivors of liposarcoma ,I have 'met' the first person from NZ who has recetly been diagnosed . funningy enough it worked out we had noticed each other one day we were at appointments ,but you don't really imagine that the person cross the room is seein about her treatment for one of the rarest forms of cancer as well do you/?been lovely meeting her (as it were) and I'm sur we will make the best out of being in this exclusive club of ours! nd i hope i can be of some help to her .

Sorry typing not good tonight!!! i just tried spell check again ,but nope ,still NOT HAppening!. Its bit like when i think about driving ,i honestly giggle and its not really funny at all ,but i have no idea how to drive still!! I must sit in mums tomrrow and see what my feet do!! Weird really weird huh! Oh and i'm NOT enjoying the no makeup ! I don't even look in the mirror now ! I didnt evn wear a lot ,you know ,but hard to break a 30 odd year habit i guess! Id put a pic up but seriously it aint beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!

First post of the New Year .............

2012-01-04T06:44:00.000-08:00

Well its been 5 days into this year ,I have been sleeping for most of it !! Had a great New years eve and then a quiet few days recovering!!! have had some headaches again and very sleepy ,but feeling better now medication has been upped a bit . Hope everyone had a great start to the year. the pics i took didn't turn out very well ,they are all a bit dark was so dissappointed !

I had my first radiation treatment today ,it was okay ,9 more to go! it was a bit freaky as the mask was really tight on my face ,but they said that it will loosen up with time . i'm lucky i guess that at this stage im only having 9 sessions ,they are flying in the wind a bit with me as its so rare for the liopsarcoma to go to the brain,and the radiation is prevention in case any little spot is left .I just hope it hasnt had a chance to go anywhere else ,mind you not many more places for it to go!!

Gosh like everyone i am sick of this weather ,I haven't been in the garden for days ! hoping for some time tomorrow . My new rose has bloomed though , it's a pretty apricot . Sorry they have ben picked for a couple of days. Well must get some more sleep , went to sleep early tonight and then woke as usual wide awake .

I'm over it ........or I've lost my Pollyanna

2011-12-30T03:02:00.000-08:00

I put this on FB today to try and get my Pollyana back ,   Argggg h I'm sick and tired of it ,sick of whinging and ,breaking into tears every five mins ,etc . Sorry this is another whinge session. I miss me , the old me ,    I'm realising even more how different I am , I'm lost , so bloody lost . J   went home today too which I know doesn't help,     I think I cried more today when he went than all the other times put together . T went to the movies then had a sleepover so I am on my own ,and the Pollyanna side of me is saying that I can let go ,so I have!!! ooh look that was almost light hearted!

Okay I'll stop the pity party now , fake it till you make it, right?   I did have a bit of a pamper session tonight though   ,did my nails and a bit of a pedicure ,as I 'd like to feel good and look as good as I can ( well as good as one can with a fat neck ! ) tomorrow night .   'Ive got some fat clothes too lol, actually its one of those one size fits all numbers
( top and jeans) and it doesnt look t oo bad . I will wear full make up as I have to stop wearing it when I start treatment ,yuk,   I dont leave the house without my mascara on!    and yes I will be dancing to ABBA with all my heart ! you can gaurantee that it will be played 50 or so times for me lol .

So I'm feeling better now ,thank   goodness huh? ,see what a bloody rollercoaster it all is , but that's life as I know it etc etc . I'm reading the 'Woman's Room '(Marilyn French) again, one of my favorite books of all time ,   I don't know if it will help or not, but reading about a lot of other frustrated housewives trying to find their power ,and the meaning of their lives , maybe just what I need ! I've forgotten a lot of it actually .

Have a great New Year's Eve and roll on 2012 !

If in Doubt .......don't !

2011-12-29T03:14:00.000-08:00

Meaning I'm still in a bit of a mood, actually it feels hormonal more than anything which i guess is still possible ? I went through menopause rather quickly at the beginning of the year ,cant remember really but today its definitely like hormones raging ! I am tearful ,and very inclined to snap at anyone and anything! hence the if in doubt ! don't say a word! either to me or visa versa! . Hope I improve by New Year as I'm going to a party at C's , its mainly just us girls and I'm looking forward to it .....I hope I feel okay that day ...I am still sleeping a lot of the afternoon away and so I hope I can get motivated enough to enjoy going . The support worker was supposed to start today but I put her off till next week as 4 oclock in the afternoon is just the wrong time for me as I 'm usually in the land of nod . ,I expected her last week ,and she didn't show so I guess next week we will get the show on the road as I changed time to morning .

my tomatoes

I took some pics of my scar so look away as i thought it was all healed ,nearly there though ,actuaaly no i won't cos it ain't exactly 'beautiful' ! will wait till its looking a bit better ,i put lots of aqueous cream on tonight to help with the scabing as of course i do pick at it, sorry gross i know but i think it's something most people do . pleas excuse typing again too ,,i have a bit of dropsy again ive noticed so a bit weak on the right again,. so heres some pics of my tomatos!! how exciteing huh ,just wish we had some sun to ripen them !

Christmas done and dusted!

2011-12-27T16:50:00.000-08:00

I hope you had a great christmas and are looking forward to the New Year .

Mixed emotions at xmas ,love the kids and their excitement ,but even though i thought i'd have a good Xmas it was the same has it has been for the past 10 years. It really has never been the same since my marriage break up and i guess one day I will accept that,I have had another family as it were, since but some things I think just take a long time to get over . The mariage breakdown was mostly on my part so theer is a lot of guilt . I get so upset every holidays when I don't go camping like we used to back then ,there are reasons why but i also feel ive done my part and certain other parties need to lookat themselves,there life has hardly changed ,where as mine has beyond all recognition. I am so angry today I can hardly speak ,but as I said get like this every year and I know that sounds mysterious ,it's good to let it out.

I had quite a big morning too ,as I went to radiation department to have my mould done for the radiation. it was quite a quick proceedure and
I was happy to have a few questions answerd etc ,start treament on the 4th . I'm feeling sick too ,have been for the last couple of days so I guess that doesn't help the mood much . Having J here has been great although I feel it's not much of a holiday for him ,but he never complains .We are going to go away next xmas, we have decided ,...camping ! so that will be something to look forward to .
I have lots of lovely photosof Christmas day ,but cant put many up as to maintain privacy of the family but here are a couple. Well with my not so good mood I think I'll finish on that note! Better day tomorrow ,my moods don't last long (I Hope!)

T in his tent with presents and half of his bedroom

My little M grandaughter ,she was a delight all afternoon .

me and J xx

Gingerbread house which had collapsed then remade (not by me !)

Xmas eve, eve !

2011-12-22T10:55:00.000-08:00

I think xmas eve, eve has a proper name but I can't think of it . I hope everyone is not too stressed and looking forward to xmas day .

My J came home just after midnight this morning ,it was so good to see him .We talked till nearly 2 this morning so he is having sleep in ,he says he's ususally up by 7 but he is going on his time ! We are off shopping this morning so i'll have to start getting them up soon .

So lovely to connect with two ladies who have had /brain tumours ,whilst reading their blogs I don't know how many times I said to myself 'yes I can relate to that ,or' thats just how I felt ' .Thankyou ladies it was great to ''meet you '' .

I'm still headcahe free ,I did n't really want to go back on the dex agaain ,but it was neccesary ,it's onl 1 mg ,I can go up to 2 but this is working fine ,I do have an appetite again but I hardly ate for a couple of days when I had the bad heads, so it is ok as I'm really trying to eat lots of veges and healthy food as it's so important for general health

wating to open

the new rose bush .

hurry up tomatos!

hanging basket ,not hanging ! will hang it up on xmas day

here's a few pics of my garden ,there has been so much growth with all the rain we had . My rose has a wee way to go to open I realised when I looked at it again . Have a lovely and stress free day.

Backwards and forwards .......

2011-12-21T02:47:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling quite unwell for the last couple of days ,headaches back with a vengence . I went to my radiation assessment today and I will start after xmas ,treatment for 10 days ,so thats not too bad ,others have much longer ,but I guess they have to be careful when its a brain . The doctor there put me back on a low dose of steroid and I've
been headache free since lunch time .

One more sleep and my J is here ,we are so excited . My home help starts tomorrow ,so of course I feel I have to clean the house before she comes ! I will let her vaccum though as I do find that difficult still ,somehow the hose becomes wrapped around my weak leg ,it is so frustrating !

I'm hoping that my new rose will have opened by tomorrow too ,it is a new one that I haven't seen in flower ,it should be beautiful .

We have wrapped quite a few presents ,and I'm doing the mad shop on Friday , I kept thinking I had more days left ,oh well it will get done I guess, plus J will be here to help . I'm going to try and make a couple of these baby tea cosy's in the next couple of days , hopefully ! I haven't finished the other one I started though .

baby tea cosy

Musings and Observations ......

2011-12-19T03:56:00.000-08:00

I was on another site today and a thread caught my attention . I won't go into too much detail as privacy should be respected but basically it was about altruism . I looked up the meaning again just to get it right in my head. A truly altruistc person does not want or need recognition for their unselfishness ,the argument I read about today involved money and the person to me did not come across as altruistic at all , they were doing and had done very good things but it jarred me and others when money for their website was mentioned . I was quite saddened by the whole thing really ,it involved a family with a terrible illness and the things that good poeple had done for them . I have never wanted, or asked ,or got any monetary help at all even though I have been accused of it . I was asked why am I doing this blog and why am so public in talking about my life , it is simply because I want to ,and the writing helps me immensely ,and to be honest I don't think many read it anyway or if they do they choose not to comment as you can see. That is fine by me because as I said it is for me to help me to heal . One other thing that stuck in my mind too as this certain family doesn't seem to be using the support groups etc that are already establised , I rely heavily on my support network , I honestly dont know what I would without the. Cancer society ,the Neurological ward social worker ,the advocate from there who rings me every couple of days ,my gp (lol) ,I have or make a phone call to at least one of these every day. I am also going to link up with the brain injury or a support group for those with brain tumours after the holidays.
.
I'm wondering if I could make contact with this family
and just say I'm here if they'd like someone to talk to , she intimated that she got very lonely and I think that is sad . I will sit on the fence about everything else re their help and the argument that maybe they have recieved too much
as we cannot know what it is like , but I really do think they are not getting the support that they really need to meet their emotional needs. I get so upset when I think of children battling cancer ,and I thank god every day that I'm the one sick and not my children .

There is nothing more difficult then dealing with a family member with a chronic or terminal (I hate that word) I should know as I am the difficult one !! they ( family) are finding it extremely hard ,I know ,but I cant help them deal with it as I've got so much going on and I do feel guilty at times ,but I also want to scream and say ,this is how I am ,it may be temporary, it may not but I cant deal with your overt misery at times , things get so misconstrued because they forget that I'm not the same person . I can act totally normal most of the time so I can see why the think this, all they have to do is ask me and get the bloody story straight . I'm sick of being looked at like I'm the b from h and yet they have got the story wrong anyway !! I'm ill and some days ,like today when I've had a headache again all day ,I'm even worse . I can really see why people start to isolate from everyone because it is just so hard.

Wow that was a wee (big) pity party wasn't it! arg it's just what's in my head .

On a lighter note 3 more sleeps untill my middle son arrives for a week or so ,I can't wait !!!! we get on so well and I don't have to do anything but be mum ,we talk all the time so he is well prepared but as he says' mum you are just you ' and 'I love you ' can you see why I just adore him!!

Here's a pic of the Xmas tree and its not a good one ! ,I took so many, and yesterday my cat knocked it over! so now its bent so I give up , lol and those cords ! im hoping they will be covered with the pile of presents as it grows.

Xmas week and I'm not organised

2011-12-18T09:38:00.000-08:00

I seem to have lost my Xmas mojo , I still haven't shopped and I just feel its all too much now .Terrible I know and it's only because I'm coming of that drug .
I hope the joy of Xmas comes back . I have my appointment at Radiology on Wednesday ,that seems like too much effort too .I know I've got to get out of this funk , so I will be telling myself off all day ! t
There are children out there going through far far worse , indulging my misery is so selfish . That's the shame of depression I guess , I know I can get through this ,just have to push myself . I'm still sleeping a lot ,guess it's healing although I was having dreams about M all the time ,I got very upset as one dream was so real ,it was awful waking up ,we were having conversations ,laughing and it was so bittersweet . I miss him all over again ,I cried a lot that day ,the grief was like new .I am expecting him to walk in the door again .

On a lighter note look who came to visist our street on Saturday ! the fabulous Fire Brigade brought Santa to visit . it was lovely watching the chidldren ,although T got shy and ran back inside ,Santa walked over the road to us and gave me the sweets to give to him lol ! Ok ,mission of the day is to LIGHTEN UP !!

crossing the road with sweets

Santa spotting us