If jealousy and envy were in a “who wore it best” showdown there would be no winner.  They’re straight up fugly on everyone.  Fuuuuuuugly.  No exceptions.  They aren’t a good look.  Period.  I can hear you now:

“No shit, Sherlock.”

So why bother bringing it up?  Well, not to get too personal (you guys know I’m not down with the name and shame) but I’ve recently been on the receiving end of some petty (alebeit humorous, completely bonkers and totally slanderous) jealousy-induced snarkiness and I thought I would take this opportunity to address the real reasons why jealousy and envy are craptastic for the person rockin’ those emotions, and I’m not just talking about the downright ultra unattractiveness of it, but the negative impact it can have on your health.  Yup.  All those feels aren’t so hot for your health…

SHOCKING, I KNOW.

SINCE MANY PEOPLE THINK JEALOUSY AND ENVY ARE INTERCHANGEABLE, LET’S BEGIN WITH DIFFERENTIATING BETWEEN THE TWO, SHALL WE?  (WE SHALL.)

Why?  Because this way you can accurately identify what you’re feeling, which can help you identify why you’re feeling it, which can in turn help bring about a resolution to the major yuck-fest the emotions evoke.  So here we go:

JEALOUSY:

The key element of jealousy is that a third party must be involved in the perceived threat (be it genuine or imagined) to a vital (again, be it real or imagined) relationship; a rival for affection and/or attention that results in the often overwhelming urge to protect what the jealous party perceives as “theirs.”

ENVY:

Think of envy as a duel where more often than not only one person is actually pacing, turning and firing.  One party, often completely unaware of the situation, has something the other party wants.  The degree of envy can vary from a mild kind of wanting like the way I want that Amy Winehouse coffee table book to an obsessive, borderline insane kind of wanting like the way a toddler wants that damn piece of candy they see waiting in the checkout line and won’t shut the fuck up and stop screaming about until either their throat starts bleeding or their parents, in an effort to not snuff themselves in the middle of Target, cave in to the sugar addicted mini-hell beast they so proudly call theirs.

Now that we know the difference let’s get to the…

WAYS JEALOUSY KICKS YOUR ASS

Did you know there are three primary types of jealousy?  Yup.  There’s:

*Reactive Jealousy – often caused when slighted. 
*Suspicious Jealousy – doesn’t this one pretty much explain itself?  And finally we enter the danger zone…
*Delusional Jealousy – full on bunny boiler territory, boys and girls.  This is, more often than not, followed by abusive behavior which can escalate to straight up aggression and violence to the nth degree when it’s allowed to run rampant and therapy-free (hey, that rhymed!).

So clearly jealousy can prove unhealthy (sometimes in a big, scary, get-the-law-involved way) to the person on the receiving end, but how does jealousy effect the health of the person (heretofore to be known as “you”) experiencing it firsthand?  We’ll begin by digging into that big ol’ ball of grey matter we call a brain.

Jealousy triggers parts of your brain where fear and anger don’t just live but can thrive.  These parts of your brain (for my fellow geeks out there some of these are the amygdala, insula and anterior cingulate cortex) get thrown into hyperdrive when that green eyed ass rears its hideous head.

SO WHY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR AMYGDALA AND ITS BUDDIES?

Well for starters, the a.c.c. (that’s the anterior cingulate cortex) causes all kinds of fun physical pain.  No joke.  The emotional pain causes similar physical pain to accompany it.  Unless you’re a masochist I don’t need to tell you why this sucks.

These parts of the brain can screw with you in LOTS of other ways.  Example?  They can squash your appetite, to name one.  I know what some of you are thinking and no, it’s not the perfect diet plan. 

ONE CANNOT SURVIVE ON JEALOUSY AND DISGUST ALONE.

Venomous thoughts do not a meal make.  Zero nutrients.  Worst diet plan ever unless organ failure is your goal. 

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? 

The stress (yes, being jealous IS stressful) can impact the part of your nervous system that’s responsible for controlling appetite and digestion. It causes overproduction of adrenaline,  increases cortisol (which can, in a reversal of BMI fortune, increase your appetite, weight and body fat – yes, stress can make you gain weight, too) and other fight or flight hormones.  This is why you have some people who are stress eaters and others who suffer from stress-induced anorexia – thank you, autonomic nervous system.

A jealousy induced stress state can be harmful (not to mention exhausting) when left unchecked for the long-term.  In short, you’re making yourself not only emotionally unwell but you can negatively impact your physical health, too.

WAIT!  THERE’S MORE!

(TRY TO CONTAIN YOUR EXCITEMENT.)

If you opted to go all in and are in this for the long haul, all of the emotional douchery (a.k.a. jealousy) your brain is dishing out has the potential to make your parasympathetic nervous system crash and burn which can lead to high blood pressure, elevated pulse rates, arterial and vascular damage and even increase your risk for stroke and heart attacks – none of which are particularly good for your health and some of which aren’t very conducive to things like living.

Jealousy can also cause:

*aggressive and irrational behavior
*anxiety and stress
*loneliness and depression
*premature aging (…collagen?  What’s collagen?…), lowered immune health, hypertension, heart disease, and more (including all that stuff I already mentioned)

And are you ready for a really weird part?  Jealousy makes you blind (think of all those silly people running around blaming masturbation).  No, it doesn’t literally blind you (that WOULD be really weird), but it can inhibit your ability to see what’s right in front of you.  So next time you’ve spun out into a jealous rage and can’t find your car keys, just remember we’re all laughing at you because they’re sitting right in front of you on the table…exactly where you left them and where you’ve looked a dozen times.

SO WTF DO I DO ABOUT IT?  I HATE THE BITCH, ASSHOLE, PAIN IN THE ASS, ETC.

First let’s try the obvious – forgiveness.  Let it go, Elsa.  Get over it.  Move on.  Forgiveness works.  If you can’t do it for them, then for fuck’s sake do it for your damn self.

Okay.  So you’re not the forgiving type.  Let’s try a different approach.  Instead of focusing all that wasted energy on a person who may or may not have wronged you and who may or may not give a damn about how you feel, focus on yourself!  Novel idea, isn’t it?  Make changes in your life that benefit you, make you feel better and help you move forward.  And no, homicide doesn’t count; healthy changes only, kids.

So you want to stick self-help books up new age woowoo hippies’ asses and forgiveness is for pussies.  Got it.  *sigh*  You are wearing me out.  Regardless, I’ve still got you covered.  Try this epiphany on for size…

IT’S.  NOT.  ABOUT.  YOU.

Yup.  Your ego may need to fuck all the way off.  The person you think is holding the reins to your misery likely isn’t.  It’s aaaaaaall you, babe. 

Many times they’re unaware you’re experiencing jealousy and they’re very rarely out to get you.  They have their own life to deal with which has nothing to do with you.  I hate to break it to your jealousy-infused ego, but you’re the last thing on their mind (unless you’re in bunny boiler mode and harass/slander/stalk them, in which case you, their lawyer, your summons and subsequent restraining order is probably the very first thing on their mind).  So you should deal with your life and let them deal with theirs.

Still no satisfying solution?  Nothing hitting the spot?  Then here’s the final suggestion…therapy.  Yup.  What you may think is causing the jealousy or envy may not be the real issue; there may be a whole host of other issues at the heart of the matter.  A therapist can help you dig down, get a hold of your thoughts and feelings and get everything working in unison again.  And isn’t that what you REALLY  want?…Don’t you really just want to…

MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY?  MOVE ON, BE HAPPY AND SOAK IN IT, MADGE.
SOAK IN THAT HAPPINESS.

:: PALMOLIVE COMMERCIAL FEATURING MADGE (1978) ::

What about you?  Have you battled the big mean green and defeated it?  How did you do it?  We love health and wellness around here so we’d love to know how you kicked jealousy’s ass.  Please feel free to share your pearls of wisdom in the comments section below.

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

IMAGES  ::  SOPHIA VS JAYNE – REX USA  ::  SHERLOCK VIA BBC  ::  JEALOUSY – ART ARMSTRONG  ::  VIA HUFFINGTON POST  ::  VIA WIKIPEDIA  ::  THE MINDSET EFFECT  ::  GIF – “EASY A”  ::  VIA HUGGINGTON POST (UK)  ::

The post GIRL, GREEN IS NOT YOUR COLOR. appeared first on Kisses & Chaos.

I know it’s been an eternity (and I have missed you like crazy).  I have my reasons, all of which will come to light as time progresses but there’s time for that later.  For now, let’s stick to the present as I deliver…

A HOLIDAY MESSAGE TO YOU AS WE STROLL THROUGH MY BRAIN

For those of you who follow me on facebook and instagram, the holiday reiki and tarot reading sale I promised is coming at the beginning of January so you can grab your 2017 reiki sessions and tarot readings at 2016 prices with  a discount (and a percentage of each sale going to your choice of one of four charities).  So fear not.  You haven’t been forgotten, it’s merely been delayed due to scheduling conflicts.  January 2017.  It’s on.  Stay tuned and…

WELCOME BACK, MY DEARS.

2017 Kisses & Fuck 2016 Chaos,
Alli Wood Frederick

IMAGES :: SOURCE UNKNOWN ::

The post A HOLIDAY MESSAGE TO YOU AS WE STROLL THROUGH MY BRAIN appeared first on Kisses & Chaos.

MANY moons ago my ex-husband and I saw a comedian who did a bit about what his kid was like first thing in the morning.

His eyes would pop open, he’d fly out of bed with near manic energy dripping from every pore, his brain in high gear and a barrage of bizarre questions speeding through his brain and shooting out of his mouth.  Questions like:

“DO YOU THINK A SHARK EVER ATE AN ALLIGATOR?”

(NOT A SHARK AND AN ALLIGATOR, BUT IT WAS TOO COOL NOT TO SHARE IT.)

A perfectly legit question in my opinion, but my ex looked at me with a straight face and said:

“OH MY GOD.  THAT’S YOU.  THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE LIKE IN THE MORNING.  YOU ARE THIS GUY’S FIVE YEAR OLD SON.”

I’m not gonna lie – he was right.  That’s what I’m like, sans the manic physical energy, when I wake up…but mentally, that is 100% me.

I open my eyes and my brain is off and running, occupied with equally “weird” nonsense.  Not one to stand on ceremony, I don’t greet the dawn or the person sharing my space with a perky, singsong “good morning.”  Nope.  I am that five year old kid.

***(Disclaimer: an exception is made for cuddling.  Cuddling is a million times more important and all other things become null and void.  Quality cuddle time will always be top priority.  there are no exceptions.)***

This epiphany solidified my ex’s belief that I, along with this comic’s kid, was a weirdo and that “normal” people don’t function that way; that such random ponderings were atypical.

BUT I THINK HE WAS WRONG.  IN FACT I KNOW IT.

I don’t think I, nor that shark eatin’ alligator kid, are weird at all.  As a matter of fact I suspect that…

MOST PEOPLE WONDER ABOUT THE SAME WEIRD SHIT I DO.  YOU INCLUDED.

The only possible difference I see is that not everyone blurts them out (especially at 7:30 in the morning).  I think my lack of filter is because:

1) I spend an obscene amount of time alone (and I talk to myself) so I’m used to saying whatever crosses my mind and
2) I actually hope someone has an answer (or at least an interesting theory).

But my point stands that I firmly believe everyone else thinks about the same random, weird shit I do…and that’s why I’m starting this series.

Welcome to the inner workings of my (and I suspect, your) mind.  I’d offer you a map to help navigate, but thus far no one’s been crazy enough or cared enough to try and make one, so I suggest you leave a trail of breadcrumbs.

Now let us join together and ponder the…

WEIRD THINGS I THINK ABOUT V1.0

*   ARE ANIMALS MULTI-LINGUAL?  Obviously pets understand their human’s language, but do animals understand other species?  How much do they understand?  Is it vague or specific?  Does a cow speak crow?  Or a rabbit speak squirrel?  Which leads me to wonder…

*   HOW DO ANIMALS THINK AND REMEMBER?   Are they visual?  Do they think in images?  Do they think utilizing their language the same way we do?  Is it based on the senses, on language or both?  How?

*   IF THERE ARE MULTIPLE UNIVERSES/PARALLEL DIMENSIONS and each one has a different version of each of us, do we all share a soul or do we each have one of our own?…

*   AND IF WE DON’T SHARE A SOUL, do we all share the same afterlife or is there a separate afterlife for each individual universe?  It could get really confusing with infinite multiples of our souls running around the same afterlife…not to mention really, really, really crowded.

*   AM I CRAZY?  I think I might be but then I’m pretty sure I’m not.  I think a lot of people wear their weird on the inside.  I wear mine on the outside which sometimes makes me feel like I might be bananas, while in actuality I’m not…or I am…I’m not sure…but “they” say that if you know you’re sane you’re likely bonkers but if you question your sanity then your likely sane…or did I hear that in a movie?  Crap.  I have no idea one way or the other…but I do wonder.

*   WHY IS IT YOU NEVER HEAR OF SOMEONE UNDERGOING PAST LIFE REGRESSION HYPNOSIS and reporting being an alien in a former life?

*   WOULD ALIEN LIFE HAVE SPIRITS LIKE OURS…or would theirs be unique and vastly different from ours?  And if there is a God is there only one or is there a consortium and each one is responsible for its own life forms?  One God for earth and humans, another God for The Greys, another for the Nordics, and so on and so forth…  And would we all share the same afterlife or does each God get his own for his personal creations?

*   DO YOU THINK THE AFTERLIFE IS LIKE THE ONE IN BEETLEJUICE?  This has been rattling around in my head since I was in junior high.  I can’t decide if that would be completely amazing or really f’ing annoying.  Sandworms and handbooks for the recently deceased…I suppose it would depend on the day…

Admit it.  I bet you’ve wondered at least one of those things or something very similar at some point.  And I’d bet you’ve pondered even weirder shit than that…which is awesome and I love you for it.

So what are yours?  I’d love to hear ‘em and maybe even feature some of yours in a future post.

If you just want to share, then post your weird assed questions in the comments below.  If you want the chance to have yours featured then shoot me an email and share away (make sure to put “WEIRD THINGS I THINK ABOUT” in the subject line).

I CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR ALL THE STRANGE THINGS YOUR BRAIN COMES UP WITH.

And of course, if you have any theories or answers to any of my queries, for f*ck’s sake PLEASE LET ME KNOW.  I would LOVE to have an answer or new theory to ponder.  Inquiring minds want to know.

Cuckoo Kisses & Random Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

IMAGES  :: WEIRD THINGS I THINK ABOUT © ALLI WOODS FREDERICK ALL RIGHTS RESERVED  ::  SHARK VS NARWHAL – LEGENDARY TIGERHERO  ::  FIEND WITHOUT A FACE  ::  VINTAGE PETS SOURCE UNKNOWN  ::  VIA CONSPIRACY CLUB  ::  SOURCE UNKNOWN  ::  BEETLEJUICE © THE GEFFEN CO.  ::

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I am swimming in a sea of change right now.  Lots of upheaval, lots of weirdness and lots of change.  A time for decisions and movement is fast approaching and that movement has the potential to change the course of my life.  What change doesn’t though?  Deciding to get a cup of coffee can be a life changing experience.  You could get in an accident on your way or you could meet your new best friend, husband or business partner while waiting in line.

Anything and everything has the potential to change your life, but usually you can’t see it coming.  This time I have the (mis?)fortune of seeing the change coming which creates an unusual opportunity (and somewhat stressful responsibility) to help choose my life’s path instead of having it unexpectedly thrust upon me by the fates.

So what’s a girl to do with such a unique opportunity?  How does one make such decisions and move forward with confidence, grace and conviction?

Truthfully?

I HAVE NO F*CKING CLUE.

So I’ll do what I do whenever I’m clueless (which is far more often than I care to admit).  I’ll wing it and do the best I can as I follow Emerson’s advice and…

DARE TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE DREAMED

“DARE TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE DREAMED FOR YOURSELF.  GO FORWARD AND MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wish me luck.  Here’s to hoping fortune favors the bold and that I keep wisdom and creativity as my companions during this period of change.  If anything exciting transpires I’ll be sure to let you know.  Until then I hope you too follow Emerson’s advice and dare to live, my dears.  Be brave and…

Dare.  To.  Live.

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

IMAGES  ::  FROM CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR – SHARON WRIGHT  ::  SOURCE UNKNOWN (BUT RUMOR HAS IT IT’S A BANKSY…JUST FYI)  ::

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I haven’t done a music post in ages and lately, for some reason, I keep thinking about 120 Minutes.  For the uninitiated or who are too young to have been blessed with an MTV that actually showed music videos (sorry but MTV2 doesn’t count), the best of which was a weekly block of time that was dedicated solely to alternative music…back when alternative music wasn’t crap like Nickelback but encompassed a wide range of music for we the weirdos, oddballs, and outcasts.

120 Minutes embraced everything from Adam and The Ants and The Sugarcubes to Ministry, Jane’s Addiction and Sonic Youth.  If it was outside the mainstream and kicked ass then it had a home on 120 Minutes.

In honor of this sudden lightening bolt of musical nostalgia I now present a series of music videos henceforth to be known as…

120 MINUTES TUESDAY

::  JANE’S ADDICTION – CLASSIC GIRL  ::

::  MAZZY STAR – HALAH (LIVE 1994)  ::

::  STONE ROSES – I WANNA BE ADORED  ::

::  MORRISSEY – SUEDEHEAD  ::

::  THE CURE – LOVESONG  ::

::  DEPECHE MODE – ENJOY THE SILENCE  ::

::  SIOUXSIE AND THE BANSHEES – PEEK-A-BOO  ::

::  ADAM AND THE ANTS – KINGS OF THE WILD FRONTIER  ::

(AM4SP!)

::  SONIC YOUTH – KOOL THING  ::

::  MY LIFE WITH THE THRILL KILL KULT – SEX ON WHEELS  ::

::  CHEMLAB – CODEINE, GLUE AND YOU  ::

::  FRONT 242 – HEADHUNTER  ::

::  NINE INCH NAILS – HEAD LIKE A HOLE  ::

::  MINISTRY – SO WHAT  ::

::  THE DEAD MILKMEN – PUNK ROCK GIRL  ::

Ahhhhhh, the memories.  I miss you old (and good) MTV.  I miss you a lot.  I’m off to binge on more music to sate my nostalgia.  Enjoy the rest of your Tuesday, my dears, and the soundtrack I’ve provided.  Muwha!

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

IMAGES  ::  © MTV  ::

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Gone are the days of the geek stereotype.  We came.  We saw.  We took the corner offices and sit at the cool kids table now.  We have geek cred.  No longer relegated to the fringes of society, we have taken our place in the mainstream…the edges of the mainstream, where we happen to like it, but the mainstream nonetheless.

OUR NUMBERS ARE MANY.

Our economic power recognized.  And our presence is decidedly cuter than the antiquated notion of the unemployed, socially inept loser with no fashion sense who lives in his parents’ basement and never gets laid.  We are geeks.  We are here.  We are proud.  And we are way cooler and much hotter than the way society used to paint us.

So are you a geek?  Are you confused as to whether you qualify for full on card carrying geek status or if you’re just a dilatant (either of which is a-okay)?  I’m here to help you figure out just how geeky you are.  Get out your 20 sided die and let’s get things rollin’.  So…

SCREW STREET CRED.  WE’RE TALKIN’ GEEK CRED.

1.  You know what a qualta blade, a bat’leth, a blaster, and/or a crysknife are.

2.  You can explain what the Prime Directive is.

3.  You not only know what the words frell, frack, wibbly wobbly, pigu and fei-oo mean but have been known to use them in casual conversation.

4.  You know where platform 9^3/4   is and have to resist the urge to run headlong into it…preferably with an owl in a cage in hand.  I promise it’s a normal brick wall and ramming your head into it will only result in a concussion.

5.  You know what a pack of Morley’s are.

(ALWAYS CARRY A TOWEL)

6.  Your Halloween costume consists of everyday clothing…and a towel.

7.  You wish you could use the Voice (a la the Weirding Way) on rude or difficult clients/customers/customer service representatives/persistent men at bars.

8.  You get annoyed that bartenders don’t know what a pan galactic gargle blaster is, let alone how to make a decent one.  (Because who doesn’t want to drink something that’s said to make you feel like you’ve had “your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.”   It’s intriguing, you have to admit.)

(USUL ROCKING A STILLSUIT)

9.  A stillsuit is part of your bug out gear…after all, you never know what the apocalypse will have in store for us.

10.  You know the answer is 42…but have no idea what the question is.

11.  You know the name of this little guy:

(HIS NAME IS SALACIOUS B. CRUMB IN CASE YOU WERE UNAWARE.)

12.  When you get stressed or freaked out you chant the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear:
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

13.  You have named a car, pet, or child after a sci-fi, fantasy or comic book author or character.  (When I was sixteen I named my first car Usul and he was as badass as his namesake…and one of my exes and I had a kitten named Blix.)

14.  On more than one occasion you have wished you had a sarlacc pit so you could throw your evil boss/co-worker/ex into it.  Then you realized that having a sarlacc pit could pose a serious health hazard to your beloved pets or children so you opted to try using the Cruciatus Curse.  It’s okay.  We know they deserved it.

15.  You celebrate May the 4th.

(DON’T BLINK.)

16.  You’re a little paranoid to blink around statues of angels.

17.  You refer to your most prized possession as “my precious.”

18.  You know where The Truth is located and are willing to believe in it.

19.  You think an Infinite Improbability Drive would make the best party game EVER.

20.  The parallels between The Cloud and Skynet are blatantly obvious causing you to be terrified that, due to the cloud’s access to all our personal ramblings, photographs and information, it will become sentient , rise up against us and force us all to see a bunch of completely naked robot Arnold Schwarzeneggers running around killing people while saying cheesy one liners like “hasta la vista, baby.”  And no one wants that…any of that.  You are equally leery of any computer system named HAL…and for good reason.  (Sci-fi has proven a disturbingly accurate predictor for future events and scientific advancements, so we know that the robot uprising is only a matter of time.  They will be our overlords if we don’t take precautions while we still can.)

So how did you do?  Are you a geek and proud or were you as confused as Crichton the first time he boarded Moya?  What did I leave out?  What would be on your list?  Let me know in the comments.  It was honestly insanely hard to come up with the list (so many, too many, things to choose from) so I would love to know what you have included.  Tell me, tell me, tell me.  And remember…

BE PROUD OF YOUR GEEK CRED
AND LET YOUR GEEK FLAG FLY.

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

IMAGES  ::  © MTV FILMS  ::  SOURCE UNKNOWN  ::  © TOUCHSTONE  ::  © DINO DE LAURENTIIS COMPANY  ::  © LUCAS FILMS  ::  © BBC  ::

PS: IF YOU WANT TO CHECK OUT A CUTE INFOGRAPHIC ABOUT ALL AREAS OF GEEKDOM INCLUDING TECH AND COMICS (SINCE OUR LIST IS LIMITED TO SCI-FI/FANTASY) CHECK OUT THIS CUTE ONE FROM THE GEEK TWINS.

The post Screw Street Cred. We’re Talking Geek Cred. appeared first on Kisses & Chaos.

What can I say…changes are inevitable.  If there’s one thing The Universe does with any and all reliability it’s create upheaval and change.  Change is the only constant in life.

In my world there has been more flux than usual lately (thus all the quiet around here):

…migraines that result in ER visits; car wrecks (I’ve been worried about what would happen if I was hit in my Mini and now I know…she took it like a champ…and the guy who hit me couldn’t have been nicer); new roles and changes at the gallery (I’m now part of the curatorial committee, which is awesome – I’m loving  it); loved ones in ICU; another loved one diagnosed with cancer; people with some seriously major boundary issues who don’t understand the word “no;” interviews with police (for an upcoming post); the list of change goes on and on and on…

I barely know if I’m coming or going…let alone what to do with all of it.  And I know I’m not the only one trying to manage life and its changes.  If I had to bet I’d be willing to double down that many of you are going through changes of your own.

SHIT HAPPENS…BUT THEN WHAT?

Whenever life decides to drop so many bombs (good or bad or both) that I start to feel a little overwhelmed there is one book that I have turned to for over fifteen years for the solid, strangely obvious guidance and reminders it provides and that book is ‘Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah’ by Richard Bach.

And right now, the message tucked within its pages that seems the most appropriate is…

“EVERY PERSON, ALL THE EVENTS OF YOUR LIFE, ARE THERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE DRAWN THEM THERE.  WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO WITH THEM IS UP TO YOU.”

– Richard Bach, ‘Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah’

Boom.  And there it is.  What we choose to do with them is up to us.  We get to choose.  Good.  Bad.  Indifferent.  We get to choose.

Enjoy the liberation that simple statement brings.

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

IMAGES  ::  WORDS OF WISDOM LOGO © ALLI WOODS FREDERICK  ::  SOURCE UNKNOWN  ::  ©2000 RANDOM HOUSE  ::

The post Shit Happens…But Then What? appeared first on Kisses & Chaos.

** THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE ORIGINAL X-FILES SERIES (NOT THE NEW SERIES).  SO IF YOU’RE JUST STARTING YOUR LOVE AFFAIR WITH ALL THINGS MULDER & SCULLY AND HAVEN’T WATCHED THE ENTIRE ORIGINAL SERIES, I SUGGEST JUST SCANNING THE TITLES I’VE LISTED, WATCHING THE EPISODES AND SKIPPING THE EPISODE RECAPS I’M PROVIDING…UNLESS YOU LIKE SPOILERS, IN WHICH CASE CARRY ON.  **

I want to believe.  That is the mantra of every X-Files fan in the world, and we will all be collectively losing our shit tomorrow night when The X-Files premieres a new episode for the first time in over a decade.  I’m fairly certain our cries of glee will be audible to any Motherships that might be passing through our solar system Sunday night.

For those who are already members of the show’s rabid cult following and those that are about to be newly initiated, I present a loving look back on the dark, adorable and spooky (yeah…bad joke, I know) episodes that made this series what it was, which is sheer genius dipped in delicious sci-fi/paranormal awesomeness.  So here, in chronological order (since it would be impossible to choose which one would be THE best episode ever), I give you…

THE TOP 20 EPISODES OF THE X-FILES (SO FAR)

1)  CLYDE BRUCKMAN’S FINAL REPOSE

originally aired on Sunday, Oct. 13, 1995

Clyde Bruckman, played by Peter Boyle, plays a cynical (and hilarious) psychic insurance salesman who unwittingly taps in to a psychic serial killer’s mind.  He helps Mulder & Scully track the homicidal maniac with limited success since his visions only reveal how someone is going to die.  We also learn how Mulder will eventually meet his end in this episode, when Bruckman makes a remark to him about autoerotic asphyxiation being an undignified way to go.  Given Mulder’s unwavering love of porn, which is firmly established throughout the series, such an end, while undignified, seems a rather plausible (though unfortunate) way for him to bite it.  (As many as 1000 people die from autoerotic asphyxiation in the US each year – most notably Kill Bill and Kung Fu star, David Carradine.)

2) WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES

originally aired on Sunday, Jan. 5, 1996

Coprophage, for those who are blissfully unaware, means shit eater.  A perfect title for an episode dedicated to the world’s most hated pest, the cockroach.  Mulder investigates a town under attack by biomechanical cockroaches the origin of which is never discovered.  Between brief and amusing phone calls to Scully, Mulder manages to enlist the help of a sexy entomologist (named Bambi) while making Scully jealous of his obvious interest in the bug obsessed, pouty lipped scientist.  A literal shit storm ensues as chaos erupts, a building explodes and feces is flung far and wide.

This episode is unlikely to appear on many best-of lists, but my reason for including this episode is sound:

After binge watching the first few seasons, this episode stood out as a subtle turning point for the series.  The back and forth banter that we’ve come to know and love between Mulder and Scully makes its first solid appearance here.  It’s also a bit campy, which is something the show came to embrace as the series progressed.

This is THE episode that transformed and firmly established The X-Files into the series we adore so deeply for its compelling paranormal/sci-fi/occult storylines, its willingness to be campy and serious all at once as well as the damn near perfect relationship (which is, as of this episode, not just platonic or that of two co-workers, but one of definite romantic leanings) between two beloved characters.  And all thanks to cockroaches…

3) JOSE CHUNG’S ‘FROM OUTER SPACE’

originally aired on Sunday, April 12, 1996

A prominent author, Jose Chung, interviews Scully and others involved in an alien abduction for a new “nonfiction science fiction” novel he’s writing.

This is the first time in the series we see the same story told from the viewpoints of other characters and the result is fantastic.  It fully embraces the over the top comedic opportunities this type of storytelling has to offer and puts the camp mentioned in War Of The Coprophages front and center.   With what I assume is a nod to Ray Harryhausen (the special effects artist best known for his work on The Clash of The Titans), the episode begins with brilliantly awful claymation and lays the cheese on extra thick from beginning to end.

From Mulder’s girly scream as a ‘mandroid’ and bizarre sweet potato pie inquisition to Alex Trebek and Jesse “The Body” Ventura guest starring as the infamous men in black, Jose Chung’s ‘From Outer Space’ successfully opened the door for the writers to be more playful, more experimental and push the envelope with their narrative choices for future episodes.

4) THE POST-MODERN PROMETHEUS

originally aired on Sunday, Nov. 30, 1997

Strange things are afoot in a small Indiana town.  Women are mysteriously becoming pregnant.  But that’s not all.  Genetic experiments, mutants and Cher (yes, Cher) are the key components of the story as ’The Post-Modern Prometheus’ pays homage to classic monster movies, not only through its storytelling but stylistically, too, complete with black and white film and dramatic use of lighting.  This episode also features the only ending in the entire series that I would describe as adorable.  If you can think of another one, I’d love to know.

5) BAD BLOOD

originally aired on Sunday, Feb. 22, 1998

Vampires living (so to speak) in a small Texas town?  Pizza boys drugging dinner and draining innocent victims while rocking fake fangs?  Luke Wilson?  Yup.

Guest Starring Luke Wilson as your friendly neighborhood vampire sheriff, ‘Bad Blood’ is the second episode in the series to be told from different perspectives (in this instance Mulder and Scully) and it is done beautifully.  Can any of us forget Mulder’s face the first time he laid eyes on the sheriff (in his version of the story) or when he sang the theme from Shaft (in Scully’s version)?  Yeah.  I didn’t think so…

6) FOLIE A DEUX

originally aired on Sunday, May. 10, 1998

Have you ever seen something out of the corner of your eye?  Something not quite right?  In the dark?  Did you think it was your imagination?  According to the plot of ‘Folie A Deux’ it might be more real than you think.  It might be a creepy insect-like monster posing as a human that sucks out the souls of his victims leaving them as walking zombies; human husks still able to function and appear normal on the outside but who are literally the walking, talking dead.

If you ever get a call from a freaked out aluminum siding salesman who starts whispering about how it “hides in the light” tell him to get the hell out of there and call 9-1-1.  And you, if you ever see that thing that’s not quite right out of the corner of your eye moving towards you in the darkness…keep your back to the wall and turn on the lights as fast as you can.

7) TRIANGLE

originally aired on Sunday, Nov. 22, 1998

Finally, The X-Files tackles time travel…sort of.  Mulder manages to get swept back in time while in the Bermuda Triangle.  Swept back to when?  To September 3, 1939, where he finds himself aboard the missing passenger ship the Queen Anne which has been boarded by Nazis who are in search of something called Thor’s Hammer, the acquisition of which would ensure a swift victory for the Nazis.  Obviously not an ideal outcome for the world.

A wild ride ensues as Mulder tries to outfox (come on…the pun had to be made at some point) the Nazis, protect Thor’s Hammer, kiss Scully (who’s not actually Scully but still…HELLO!), get smacked down by Scully-not-Scully (ouch!) and stop the ship from reaching Germany.  Oh, and let’s not forget returning to his own time…the series would have been much different if he remained trapped in 1939.

This episode, with its 2.5 million dollar budget, is a fan favorite for many reasons, not least of which are the direction and cinematography, which are outstanding.  Shot in real time (and making use of some super-fun split screen action), the episode is comprised of several continuous shots that were seamlessly edited to create the illusion of four eleven minute acts, ‘Triangle’ does an exceptional job of visually drawing you into the story.

It is stunning.  Taped in widescreen, it was the first X-Files episode to be aired in letterbox.  Throw in the riveting storyline, the costumes, the set design (Chris Carter actually had portions of the Queen Mary, a moored WWII ship-turned-hotel where it was filmed, completely redecorated to match the era), killer music (it doesn’t get much better than ‘Sing! Sing! Sing! (With a Swing!)’) and a fun and amazing climax (seriously…I can’t stress enough how gorgeous the filming is in this episode) and it’s easy to see why the budget went over 2.5 million…and why it pulled in a whopping 18.2 million viewers when it premiered.

This one is true work of art.

8) DREAMLAND (PART 1 & 2)

originally aired on Sunday, Nov. 29, Dec. 6, 1998

I don’t even know how to begin to explain this two-parter.  It’s the best of both worlds – they combine elements of the alien/UFO conspiracy story arc with a stand-alone episode and are easily two of the funniest episodes of the series.  How couldn’t they be with the comedic genius Michael McKean guest starring as the truly despicable slime ball, Morris Fletcher (who also happens to work at the infamous Area 51, a.k.a. Dreamland).

Mulder swaps bodies with Fletcher and does some booty shakin’ in the mirror.  People’s faces are atomically rearranged and merged into each other (pretty painful and disgusting).  There are spies.  There are lies.  And we meet the world’s brattiest children and shrew of a wife (which begs the question, was Fletcher a disgusting jackass before he got married and had kids or did it happen after?  Chicken?  Egg).  It also sets the stage for “Monday,” as the waterbed (complete with mirrored ceiling – gotta love, Morris…what a manwhore) that Fletcher-as-Mulder buys for Mulder’s barren bedroom plays a key role in the day’s events.

9) HOW THE GHOSTS STOLE CHRISTMAS

originally aired on Sunday, Dec. 13, 1998

Possibly one of, if not the best, Christmas ghost stories ever.  It’s a little spooky, a little gross and a little sentimental – it’s the perfect blend.  On Christmas Eve Scully meets Mulder at what appears to be a vacant Victorian house, complete with fog gently hugging the front lawn.  As Bing Crosby croons on the car’s stereo the tale begins.  The ever curious Mulder and always loyal Scully enter the home to investigate reports of its infamous haunting by two lovers who had a suicide pact that return every Christmas to spread their own brand of Christmas cheer.

But what’s this?  Upon entering, the house doesn’t appear vacant at all.  In fact it appears quite occupied.  Things start to get interesting when they discover two very decayed bodies that closely resemble themselves (all the way down to the clothing) under the floorboards.

Enter the ghosts (who are brilliantly played by Lily Tomlin and Ed Asner).  The story turns into a bit of a fun house nightmare with doors that lead to nowhere and rooms that become inescapable as the ghosts begin their mind games in an attempt to drive Mulder and Scully insane.  What follows is some of the best dialogue…from any series…ever.

::  VIDEO – HOW THE GHOSTS STOLE CHRISTMAS  ::
(I THINK I RELATE A LITTLE TOO CLOSELY WITH HIS DESCRIPTION OF MULDER’S ‘TYPE.’  OUCH.)

And just like any good ghost story it ends with scared living people running from the haunted house, fleeing to the safety of the world they know as they narrowly escape the clutches of the dead ne’er-do-wells.  (And I know I said I wasn’t ranking episodes but I lied…a little…this is easily in the top 5.)

10) Terms of Endearment

originally aired on Sunday, Jan. 3, 1999

Demon babies and Bruce Campbell is the father.  Do I really need to say anything else?  I do?  Let me try this again…

Bruce.  Campbell.

The end.

11) Monday

originally aired on Sunday, Feb. 28, 1999

Boy…and I thought I hated Mondays.  Taking a page from Groundhog Day, it’s the Monday that never ends…

“Well, what if there is no tomorrow?  There wasn’t one today.”
– Bill Murray, Groundhog Day

…and it’s a horrible day to have on repeat – unless you consider getting blown up by a bomb wielding bank robber a fun way to get out of work.  In an ironic twist of fate, Morris Fletcher (who made his appearance in Dreamland) inadvertently and indirectly sets off the chain of events that lead to Mulder and Scully’s deaths in the Monday from hell by purchasing the waterbed for himself/Mulder that springs a leak, shorting out Mulder’s alarm clock subsequently causing him to be at the bank during the robbery.

This episode is fascinating to contemplate, not only because it begs the question of whether or not we would realize it if we were stuck in a loop, reliving the same day over and over but because of the interplay of cause and effect – the idea that the smallest, most inconsequential events – like the purchasing of a waterbed or oversleeping – can eventually lead to your death…or your soul mate…or any other major, pivotal life event.

I also dig the reference to Hinduism with the reincarnation of Mulder into the same body after each of his deaths and his eventual use of a mantra (“He’s got a bomb.”) to retain information as he passes from this life into his next, in much the same way that some Hindus try to achieve moksha (the liberation of the soul from the cycle of death and rebirth) through the use of mantras.

This episode is nice and meaty.  It sticks with you.

12) Milagro

originally aired on Sunday, April 18, 1999

Creepy, beautiful and strangely romantic in a completely dysfunctional Sid and Nancy sort of way, this is a tale of obsession.  An author and neighbor of Mulder’s reveals his obsession with Scully while a character in the novel he’s writing is unleashed and begins committing murders…murders that are straight out of his manuscript.

With his attention firmly fixed on Dana, he delivers some of the most beautiful and insightful monologues the series has ever given us.  This episode is for all the lit and word nerds out there (if you love iambic pentameter throw your hands in the air!)  who can’t resist the beauty of a well-turned phrase.

13) Hungry

originally aired on Sunday, Nov. 21, 1999

You’ll never look at fast food the same again as we witness and explore the struggles of a flesh eating mutant who is trying to be a productive member of society while attempting to suppress his urge, his biological imperative to consume sweet, buttery human brain-y goodness.  Apparently we don’t taste like chicken and we melt in the mouth, not in the hand.

It’s hard not to empathize with the “bad guy” in this one.  He tries to be good.  He really does.  But in the end his biology overrides his humanity every single time.  He proves not all monsters are bad during his final act of desperation: no longer able to live with himself, his overwhelming craving and all it entails he ensures his own demise…finding peace at last.

14) The Goldberg Variation

originally aired on Sunday, Dec. 12, 1999

Oh, goodie!  We take another fun (and bizarre) look at cause, effect and the balance of the universe in ‘The Goldberg Variation,’ as a man with exceedingly good and improbable luck (and who spreads equally astounding bad luck…gotta have balance after all) tries to save the life of a little boy with acute liver failure.  And in case that little boy’s face looks familiar, despite its yellow pallor, it’s because he’s a very young Shia LaBeouf.

Seriously…The X-Files is like a high school yearbook of Hollywood stars.  It’s bananas how many of these small guest starring roles were played by people who are now well established in Hollywood.  What are the odds?  (Well…if this episode’s plot is to be believed then odds schmods.  Who cares about the stinkin’ odds?)

15) The Amazing Maleeni

originally aired on Sunday, Jan. 16, 2000

In ‘Humbug’ Scully asserts that “…everybody’s uncle’s an amateur magician.”  The magicians turned felonious scam artists we meet in this episode are far from amateur, performing such an elaborate hoax that it almost boggles the mind.  How could they be so many steps ahead of so many people and just how predictable is human nature in its response to external stimuli that it can be predicted accurately enough to perpetrate such a hoax?  Truly magical.

16) X-COPS

originally aired on Sunday, Feb. 20, 2000

This episode could have easily jumped the shark with the COPS crossover, but where others failed, The X-Files succeeded.  Mulder and Scully accidentally stumble into the filming of COPS while on a investigation of what Mulder initially believes to be a werewolf but turns out to be something never encountered before – a shapeshifting being that chooses its victims and preys upon them using their own fear.  A monster that isn’t only ferocious but utilizes its victims’ own psychology as a weapon?  Terrifying and brilliant…brilliantly terrifying.

Fun little side note:  Mulder makes a comment to Scully about how she’d look good with bubble gum pink hair as they pursue a prostitute who was an eyewitness to a murder.  This was actually a cute, friendly little dig by Duchovny at Anderson who was a punk in London as a teenager…and she did, in fact, dye her hair.  I know.  It just makes you love her more, doesn’t it?  Gillian Anderson is my spirit animal.

17) Hollywood A.D.

originally aired on Sunday, April 30, 2000

Mulder (who’s played by Garry Shandling) and Scully (who’s played by Duchovny’s real life now ex-wife, Tea Leoni) are used as inspiration for a movie.  Shadowed by a Hollywood producer and sent out to L.A. for the premiere we learn more about our favorite paranormal investigatory duo than ever before…like what side Mulder dresses on and how Scully runs in high heels.  Just like a Hollywood movie, this episode has a little of anything you could possibly want: death, religion, politics, sex (well…cheesy innuendo), dancing zombies, Jesus cracking jokes while raising Lazarus and assistant director Skinner drinking champagne while taking a bubble bath.

Like I said…a little of anything you could possibly want.

super-nerd moment:  I was shocked at the casting of Shandling as Mulder when the episode first aired but while I was recently watching another episode (I think it might have been Jose Chung…but I honestly can’t be sure so don’t quote me) I saw it.  Duchovny was speaking in slow motion and the camera was pulled in tight on his face.  It clicked.  If you compare Duchovny’s and Shandling’s mouths they are surprisingly similar…almost freakishly so.  their bite, the shape of their lips, the way they move.  I’m convinced that someone saw this similarity and thought it would be an excellent comedic casting choice.  I know.  It’s kinda pitiful that my brain actually notices these things and finds them important enough to warrant my attention.  Some people would call it obsessive…or geeky…or sad…I like to call it ‘attention to detail.’

18) Je Souhaite

originally aired on Sunday, May 14, 2000

If you had three wishes what would they be?  Such is the conundrum faced by those who are unfortunate enough to encounter the jinn (or genie).  Found wrapped in a rug, this mischievous minx keeps chaos as her companion as granting people’s wishes (including Mulder’s) brings unexpected and unintentional consequences.  No matter how selfless or selfish the wish, the outcome is always the same…and the outcome is not good.  Just ask Nixon.  I’m pretty sure he’ll tell you some rugs are best left unrolled.

19) Lord Of The Flies

originally aired on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2001

Teenagers and their hormones.  They’re a force to be reckoned with…especially when that teenager is part insect and can kill you with creepy crawlies that he can command with his ultra-potent teenage insect/human pheromones.  And kill he does.  Is it indiscriminate?  Not at all.  He doesn’t run around killing people all willy nilly.  He, just like the mutant in ‘Hungry,’ is a victim of his own biology…he cares about people and wants to love and be loved (and, in fact, does love a very confused, scared and slightly grossed out girl)…which makes it hard to view him as a mutant or monster…especially when he writes his love notes with real fireflies in the night sky.

Bonus points for the incredibly cheesy entomologist.  Not fair that Mulder gets Bambi and Scully gets…him.

20) Improbable

originally aired on Sunday, April. 7, 2002

Here’s another one that lands squarely in the top five list.  The oldest of conflicts.  Evil.  Good.  Dark.  Light.  Satan.  Burt Reynolds…?

Good ol’ Burt guests stars as the big I Am.  It seems an apt casting choice considering he seems to think he’s God already. (Just look at his behavior.  Slapping people on the red carpet?  That’s some serious God complex bullshit right there.)  I hate to admit it but he seriously rocks the role.  Who knew God wears Hawaiian print shirts and enjoys a good game of…well…it seems just about anything from checkers to poker to dominoes.

Add in the music (could it be more perfect for this episode?  No.  No it could not), the interesting, almost musical approach to the direction, the concept of fate versus freewill (one of my personal favorites) and the heavy use of numerology and it’s easy to say this episode is damn near perfect.  The only problem, the only one, is that Mulder isn’t back with the team yet.  That’s it.  If it weren’t for that this episode would score a perfect 9 (which is the number of completion in numerology.  Just ask Monica Reyes.  She knows.)

21) Jump The Shark

originally aired on Sunday, April 21, 2002

How appropriate that we end with an ending.  This episode is trashed by fans and critics (and even the show’s creator).  The plot was even negated by the release of subsequent comics.  So why, if everyone thinks this episode was complete crap, so much so that they even have to joke about it in the show’s title, did it make my list?

Because of my beloved Lone Gunmen.  How do you not love them?  My precious little super-nerds, always fighting the good fight.

This makes the list as a runner-up, number twenty-one, because it is the final curtain for the three unlikely heroes.  This episode was used to conclude their short-lived spin off ‘The Lone Gunmen.’

They died, but they didn’t just die.  They died heroically.  They died being brave, protecting others…fighting the good fight.  And they were buried in Arlington Cemetery…which is only appropriate for men who always did their best to protect the people from threats, be they real or imagined.

This episode made the list because I’m proud of my brave little super-nerds.  Plain and simple.

So there you have it.  My top 20 list.  Do you agree?  Disagree?  Could you not care less about The X-Files?  Which episode did I leave off that you think should have been included?  Come on.  Nerd out with me.  And tomorrow night join me as we raise our voices to the sky and we say…

TRUST NO ONE.
THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.
I WANT TO BELIEVE.

Okay.  I’m ready.  Let the countdown begin.

Alien Kisses & Paranormal Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

Honorable Mentions  ::  Syzygy  ::  Unruhe  ::  Sanguinarium  ::  Arcadia

IMAGES  ::  © FOX  ::  JOSE CHUNG’S FROM OUTER SPACE – UNKNOWN  ::  BAD BLOOD – CALOBEE  ::  FOLIE A DEUX – UNKNOWN  ::

The post The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files (So Far) appeared first on Kisses & Chaos.

THE WORLD WOKE WEEPING

David Bowie…

Brokenhearted but blessed for the beauty and brilliance you selflessly gave us…

There are no words…

Except thank you…

::  DAVID BOWIE – BLACKSTAR  ::

::  DAVID BOWIE – HEROES  ::

::  DAVID BOWIE – LIFE ON MARS  ::

DAVID BOWIE
JANUARY 8, 1947 – JANUARY 11, 2016
 
THANK YOU FOR CHANGING THE WORLD FOR THE BETTER.
YOU ARE FOREVER LOVED.

Kisses & Chaos from Ground Control,
Alli Woods Frederick

“OH I’LL BE FREE
JUST LIKE THAT BLUEBIRD
OH I’LL BE FREE
AIN’T THAT JUST LIKE ME…”
– DAVID BOWIE, ‘LAZARUS’

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