He was working as a senior manager in a very large company doing good work in the world.

He had just been promoted into the position that he had hankered after for years. However, he was discovering that it was not all that he had hoped.

What you want may not be all it is meant to be

Now that he had a bigger job and more influence, he had to get more involved in organisational politics. “I don’t trust a lot of the people around me,” he said. ”It is not that they are not good people but sometimes they believe that the end justifies the means. That is not the way I do things.”

More than that, he realised that he was not going to be able to make the difference he hoped he would be able to make in that position. What he wanted to do was simply more radical than the organisation would allow.

[callout]Feeling defeated he said, “I don’t know what to do. I have spent ages climbing this hill but the view is not what I thought it would be”.[/callout]

Way too busy to find your purpose

As we started our session, Steve was frustrated and confused.

He was overcompensating as well. He was spending lots of time traveling for work and working extra hours because it helped him to feel like he was engaged, busy and making a difference. This was a clue to his purpose. He was trying to get to an end, but it just wasn’t the right means to that end.

He was also keeping his self very busy socially, partially because he hated “being bored”. I challenged this and asked his what was underneath the boredom. “The frustration of not know why I am here and what my purpose is” he replied. Hmmmm.

“No matter how hard I look or think about it, I just can’t seem to figure out what my purpose is,” Steve said. ”What about this is so important to you?“ I asked. ”Because I want to feel happy and without it, it just constantly feels uncomfortable…like I have a stone in my shoe”.

Trying too hard to find your purpose

The problem for Steve was that he was trying too hard. There is an old saying, “What you resist persists and grows stronger.” By being so focused and fixed on his lack of purpose, Steve was creating resistance to actually being able to articulate what his purpose is.

He was also focused on the idea that he simply didn’t know what his purpose was rather than the possibility that on some level he did know. So he was creating more resistance to the idea of knowing his purpose.

[callout]The more tightly and desperately he tried to grab hold of his purpose, the more it eluded him.[/callout] Steve was treating his purpose a little bit like a Chinese finger puzzle. The more he pulled and tried to force a solution, the more it resisted him.

What he needed to do was actually relax…and listen.

You can’t find your purpose if you have no space in your life

Steve was so busy that he had no space in his life to actually stop and listen to his own inner knowing and wisdom…that part of him that instinctively knows his purpose and how to live it.

The inner voice of wisdom is a small voice that often gets lost in the busy-ness of every day life. Rather than forcefully looking outside himself under every rock and stone to find his purpose, he needed to slow down and listen to his inner knowing.

Purpose is something that you discover and remember rather than figure out. [callout]“The truth is that your purpose, your why, is right in front of you Steve, but you are so busy and distracted that you simply can’t see what is right there.”[/callout]

Through working all those extra hours, Steve at least felt that he was working to make a difference. He was acting like a flower reaching for the Sun. He instinctively knew what he needed and he reached for it, but it just wasn’t quite in the right form to satisfy him.

What can you do to allow your purpose to come to you?

Simply create some intentional space to listen. This is the conclusion that Steve came to as well. Here are the steps he took to create the space to allow his purpose to come to him.

1. Start to meditate for 15 minutes a day – just to clear out the mental clutter that got in the way of hearing his inner wisdom.
2. Cutting back all the non-necessary extra work hours and extra social hours, in order to create space.
3. Spend some of that extra time with himself – Steve needed to feel the discomfort of the boredom in order to propel his movement forward.
4. Be very intentional with his relaxation activities – doing things and spending time with people intentionally because he knew that they would raise his energy, rather than to avoid boredom.

Why these things?

All of these are helping him to relax more and feel better. It is also giving Steve the space and time to listen to his inner knowing rather than wasting all that time and energy looking for his purpose outside himself.

Now, his self-awareness and sense of connection with himself are growing. The sense of relaxation coupled with clearer thinking has meant that his purpose is becoming clearer. More to the point he is starting see it and hear it for what it is rather than what he thinks it should be.

If you are desperate to find your purpose, you need to know why you are desperate to find it. That could be the very thing that is blocking your purpose in the first place as what you resist persists and grows stronger.

If you really want to find your purpose, stop chasing it like a hound after a rabbit. Sit down, get quiet and allow your purpose come to you.

[reminder]How are you pushing your purpose away?[/reminder]

Image credit: Vicki & Chuck Rogers/Flickr

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I sat there in front of 50 people bewildered and dazed. Surely she would come back. Surely she wouldn’t leave me sitting there embarrassed and uncomfortable on the stage by myself?

I sat there for a moment. Then another long slow moment. Time slowed down as 50 pairs of eyes stared at me. I wanted to shrink. I wanted the floor to swallow me up. More than anything I wanted the coach to be right about me as I wanted to move forward with my life.

Instead I found myself feeling intensely small, embarrassed and ashamed in front of a crowd. Talk about feeling vulnerable. So how did I get here?

In a word, approval.

Or rather the need for it. Oh, and not feeling good enough.

It started as I sat at the front of the room with the most powerful coach that I have ever been with. I was doing my coach training and it was the final module and final demo of a long and in-depth training. The coach was there to demonstrate full out coaching with a tough client. As someone with a lifelong need for approval, I fitted the bill.

She started off gently. “What is the cost of you seeking approval?” “What are some ways that you could give yourself approval?” I am a smart ass with a quick mind with an answer for everything. I gave her the answers I thought she wanted to hear…walking the fine line between wanting her approval and not wanting to feel too vulnerable.

Clearly not sensing a breakthrough, she started resorting to stronger tactics. She knew that having a big impact on the world is important to me. “In what ways are you unable to show up for other people when you are caught in the approval trap? What would you be able to contribute if you gave yourself the approval?” That caused a bit of a chink in my armour. She sensed an opening and went for it, carrying on down this vein.

I actually started to break down a bit. “I want to feel good enough. I want to give myself what I need but I don’t know HOW to. How do I get past this?” “It starts with a decision to know that you are not even good enough…just that you are enough. The good can come later”.

A breakthrough?

This felt like a move forward.

Unfortunately, we then went around in circles for another 10 minutes. “What benefit do you get from not feeling good enough?” she tried. I just couldn’t seem to get it.

Don’t get me wrong, the coach was committed to my big picture agenda, rather than the smaller me that was showing up…but I was caught in a loop. However, what came next was a demonstration in coaching full out…which necessitates not needing your client’s approval or even for them to like you.

“If you are not going to get that you are enough, and you are going to block every attempt to give yourself approval” she said in an exasperated tone, “I am not going to waste my time and effort”. With that, she got up and stormed off stage, through the door and out of the room…or so it seemed. I was dumbfounded and didn’t know what to do.

Desperate times = desperate measures

What I didn’t quite get at that moment in time was that it was a tactic.

She was interrupting my pattern, not playing into my drama and trying to elicit anger…which is a far more powerful emotion than the hopelessness that I was feeling.

It worked.

After a moment, I got up off stage and went through the door, suddenly feeling indignant. I walked through the door ready to have a row. When I got through the door, the coach stood there smiling at me.

“So you do get that you are good enough then? You are worthy of not being ignored and actually being heard. That you have the self-respect to demand to be heard?” Not the answer I was expecting but it snapped me out of my anger as I realised what she had done. It was a risky tactic but it worked.

At a time when I thought I wasn’t good enough and didn’t know how to feel good enough – much less give myself approval – she showed me that I have the roots of approval and was feeling good enough within me. It might have taken anger to bring them out, but I had the seeds of self-approval there to cultivate.

Does the need for approval hamper you?

Like attracts like so many of my clients are super-high achievers and leaders who seek approval and so hold themselves back from all that they could be. So much of what they have achieved was rooted, one way or another, in seeking someone else’s approval.

Why? Because deep down, they don’t feel good enough. Why? Most of the time the roots go right back to childhood of course and our parents not approving 100% of the time. This isn’t about parent bashing though…most parents are doing the best job they know how to do. It is simply that children are so open and EVERYTHING goes straight in.

Of course, this doesn’t just affect this group of people…it is something that many of us can relate to. It is simply one of the biggest barriers that most of society face. Can you relate?

So many people on the personal growth journey are fuelled and driven by this need. They go on courses, read books and get coaching, ever searching for more tools and more information that will “fix them”. It is as if they have to improve themselves to get approval.

Stop trying to improve yourself

It is not about self-improvement. It is about self-acceptance. You have nothing to add. Nothing to improve. Nowhere to arrive. It is about accepting yourself in the entirety of who you are, approving of all the parts of you (including the “embarrassing” bits and the parts that you don’t like).

So how on earth do you go about giving yourself approval and start to understand that you are good enough? For that, stay tuned for part two of this series where I will give you some practical tips and tools for overcoming the need for approval!

[reminder]In what ways are you seeking someone else’s approval?[/reminder]

Image credit: Jaina/Flickr

The post Is seeking approval holding you back? (Part 1) appeared first on Krish Surroy | The Maverick Mentor.

Yet, you and I know differently. In truth, most leaders aren’t living up to anywhere near their potential…and they know it. Most people aren’t…and most people don’t see themselves as leaders.

There is no doubt that if you are a leader, with or without a title, you are getting stuff done in the world. It might even be pretty significant…but you know that there is so much more that you could be doing.

This is about IMPACT. Leaders want to create IMPACT and get somewhere. And most leaders that I have come across know they have way more potential to create impact than they are currently using.

So let’s look at what might get in your way as a leader…

Being way too busy

Most of us have way too much stuff to do and not enough time to get it done. You might spend the majority of your time fire-fighting or dealing with “stuff”. For leaders however this is the kiss of death.

Without fail, when I coach a leader, the first thing I make them do is block out a 2 hour chunk in the calendar each week for quality thinking time. Time to step back and look at the big picture. Time to re-prioritise. Time to gain clarity. The amount of pushback that I get is remarkable. That apparently is time when they “could be doing stuff”. Errrrrm.

Think of it this way. On a field of battle, a general would not be trying to direct the battle from the front line of fighting. It simply can’t be done. They need to step back and see the big picture. Leaders are no different.

Ever heard the term, “addicted to the rush”?

Not taking enough time out

Leaders are notorious for not taking quality recovery time. They tend to be as busy at home as they are at work and place themselves last on the list. Don’t get me wrong, there is often a lot of important stuff to attend to…but stress is a killer.

Busy-ness creates more busy-ness and most leaders don’t know how to just relax. It’s hardly surprising given the amount of adrenaline that they run on. However, to create impact you need to have energy and creativity. The first requires rest and recovery, the second requires space.

Stephen Covey was adamant that the seventh habit of Highly Effective Leaders is Sharpen the Saw. As a Leader, you simply must take time to look after yourself EVERY DAY or else you will get blunt and rusty.

Not taking good physical care of themselves

Related to the first two reasons, many leaders simply do not take the time to keep themselves in good condition physically. You can get away with that in your 20’s and maybe your 30’s. Any older though and you are fighting nature.

This was a mistake that I was making until recently, when I realised that I just didn’t have the physical energy that I needed to be able to do the things I wanted. I had to gotten to 250lbs and was horribly unfit. So, I have taken baby steps over the last few months to rectify this, have dropped 20lbs and started running.

To begin with, I have needed to make it as easy as possible and time efficient. I still have a long way to go…but take it from me, my sleep has improved dramatically, my stress levels are down, my mental functions are clearer and more efficient and I am more relaxed. More to the point, I am getting the energy to create the impact I want.

Not continually growing or doing themselves out of a job

Have you become a leader by virtue of your leadership capability or because you are really good at your day job? Many people are made leaders because they are technical specialists rather than leaders of people.

A great leader is someone that continually strives to grow to his or her edge. Eventually a job or a project will become too small an expression of who they are. So, they grow the people and skill sets around them so that eventually they do themselves out of a job.

However, many people in leadership positions take the expert role, seeing themselves as indispensable and not growing others to the extent they could. This might be driven by the need for security, control or that need to be needed. A leader who does this eventually stands still and becomes defined by the role rather than moving forward.

Not owning up to their challenges/weaknesses

I have written about the dirty little secrets that leaders have before, notably not wanting be found out, feeling like an impostor, not feeling good enough etc.

The problem is that hiding this stuff takes a huge amount of energy that could be put to much better use. You also end up pretending to be someone other than who you really are, which becomes demoralising and draining.

Admitting your challenges takes huge courage and vulnerability, but when you do you become more authentic and you give other people permission to do the same.

Not convinced? Take a look at the work of Brene Brown and I challenge you not to be moved.

Not listening to intuition

Leaders by definition have to have intuition and imagination. Leading is about creating something new that wasn’t there before. So, taking something unmanifested and making it manifest…so this isn’t about the purely logical and rational.

Many leaders do act on intuition/gut feel/instinct and every great stride forward that humankind has made is based on an intuitive leap. Remember Einstein dreaming about riding the ray of light? And yet, so many leaders minimise or doubt their intuition because it is not safe, logical and rational.

Einstein said, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift.” So it is for many leaders.

Living in the zone of excellence

According to Gay Hendricks, every one has a Zone of Genius which is the highest and expression of who you are. You create impact as you are a genius when you live in that zone…and you are energised by it. You are living your best life and being your best self when you are in this zone.

However, too many leaders don’t spend time trying to uncover their Genius. They live in the Zone of Excellence. These might be things that you are really good at BUT there will always be someone better (they are in their Zone of Genius!) and it costs you energy.

If you are not sure why you need to take two hours out each week to think, THIS IS IT! Those two hours are when you think about what your Zone of Genius actually is and how can you spend more and more of your time living in it. It takes introspection (an alien concept to many) and feedback but this is the single biggest thing you can do as a leader to fulfill your potential.

[reminder]What stands in the way of your potential?[/reminder]

Image Credit: Lee_Salford/Flickr

The post 7 reasons why leaders don’t realise their potential appeared first on Krish Surroy | The Maverick Mentor.

I started running 30 days ago. I’m starting very easy by following a couch to 5K program that takes 9 weeks to build up to 5 km. To be honest, I thought I’d hate running. I always have. But this time round, it has been a really different experience. Overall, I’m loving it.

This was never going to be easy though. I’m a 42-year-old man who weighs 225lbs who started this year weighing closer to 250lbs. So, it’s not like I am an natural long-distance athlete. Why on earth you might ask have I decided to do this then?

Why running?

I was always that kid at school that hated physical education. I especially hated cross-country in the winter when we had to go out in freezing cold, wet conditions, jog around a field and come back feeling miserable. I always came second or third from last as well.

This year I decided that I really wanted to uplevel everything in my life, including my physicality. I want to have adventure in my life so I would like to be in the physical condition that allows that. I was also fed up with being defeated by running.

Running would fit conveniently into my schedule and it is great self care. I love the idea of the freedom of just being able to run. It didn’t help that I just re-watched Forrest Gump a few weeks ago!

So here’s the list of reasons why I decided I wanted to complete a 5K by the end of August this year:

• I want to get into really good shape and enjoy my body
• I want the energy and vitality to really enjoy adventures and live a really full life
• I want to get past my mental block around running
• It will help me with all my other goals physically and mentally
• I want to get this nailed before it gets harder as I get older
• I am so fed up with feeling heavy and having no energy
• If I can do this I will really be proving to myself how much I can change

So, I started with a friend in mid-February and here’s what I’ve learned from the first 30 days.

Start slow and trust the process

I deliberately chose a program that ramped up very slowly because I wanted to make this an easy process. There are times when it’s downright painful, so I do go slower. Frankly, I don’t care if I’m going at snail’s pace! There are also times when it is easy and I want to skip ahead or go faster. However, this is a tried and trusted process, so I am choosing to be patient and to trust it.

A buddy makes it much easier

I have started running at 7 AM in late winter/early spring and I’m sure that at times, without a friend to run with, I wouldn’t be doing this. My bed is simply too nice and warm! Knowing that my friend is there waiting for me and we are going to have a really good conversation is enough to get me out of bed and get moving. When the going gets tough, we encourage each other along without competing without trying to compete.

Get the right equipment for the right job

I started getting shin splints right away as I have done in the past. I had a good pair of running shoes but they weren’t helping. So I went to local running shop and it turns out that my shoes were too motion-controlling. I got a pair of stability shoes with some good cushioning (useful when you are larger like me) and things got better straightaway. A foam roller to help massage the muscles was also a godsend.

Listen to the pain but don’t let it stop you

Shin splints aside, there have been a few niggles and little pains. In the past this would have stopped me in my tracks as I’m a wuss when it comes to pain. I’ve been doing loads of stretching (there are loads of great articles, blogs and videos on runners stretching) and if we need to slow down or walk, we allow ourselves to. However, the guiding principle is to keep going even if that means really slowly.

Listen to yourself

Everyone has an opinion on running. I used to pass judgement on runners who passed me by the looks of pain and agony on the face. Because I’m a bit larger, several friends questioned whether running was the right thing and were worried about my knees.

However, I am notorious for doing research and so I started well equipped. This is a personal journey and challenge from me and so it is better to keep my own counsel and only share selectively. While well-meaning, other people’s opinions can sink your dreams very quickly so listen to yourself first.

Go somewhere nice

Running on a treadmill, yuck! I’m really lucky, I live on the coast so my friend and I run down by the sea. The fresh air and the huge vista help immeasurably. I have also run in the local park where the flowers beginning to blossom. It might seem like an old cliche, but being outside with good clean air just makes you feel better.

Exercise is good for the soul

Last Wednesday I woke up in a complete funk. I could feel the black clouds gathering and I was in a really bad mood. My friend couldn’t run that day so would have been easier to just stay in bed feeling sorry for myself. However a little nagging voice inside kept saying “Go for a run. Go for a run.” Eventually I listened and got outside. It wasn’t easy but it changed my day completely and the rest of the day was great. Exercise as they say is indeed good for the soul.

I still have a long way to go – figuratively and literally — but am enjoying the process so far. I’ve entered a 5K race in July which now seems like a ridiculously long way off. I’m not even sure I want to progress past 5K as I’m not even at 5K yet. However I’m feeling confident and this is the best shot I’ve ever taken. So let’s see where my feet take me!

[reminder]What do you love about exercise?[/reminder]

The post 7 lessons I’ve learned from my first 30 days of running appeared first on Krish Surroy | The Maverick Mentor.

Great question and there are loads of ways. However, most require you to do soul searching and inward reflection…which many of us aren’t that great at and don’t have a lot of quiet time to do.

Here is a way to use feedback from people that you know and trust to help clue you into not only your life purpose, but how you can turn this into your “prosperous mission” (a life purpose you can get paid for).

[youtube id=”QdGXP1mD0Tc”]

In this video, I look at:

• What life purpose is and what most people are actually looking for when they talk about finding their life purpose
• A foolproof way to zoom in on your life purpose using feedback from people you trust
• The 4 questions that can clue you into your life purpose

So, go out and have some meaningful conversations…get out of the way and trust what you are told!

Image credit – Dennis Skley/Flickr

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It might be managers who “can’t manage”. It might be leaders who are “out of touch with what is really going on”. It might be a colleague who is overly competitive, obstructive or a downright nuisance.  Whichever way, they are all “difficult people”.

There is a saying that people stay at work because of their team mates but leave because of their boss. Quiet a sad indictment.

People rarely are the actual problem. However we tend lump people in with the problem. If you really to solve problems with difficult people at work, see them as a human being and choose to connect with them. See what you have in common rather than what divides you.

Bill’s story

I had a coaching session this week with Bill who is having all kinds of issues with his colleagues and team. On the face of it, this was confusing as if you were to meet Bill, you would see that he is one of the most people focused nice guys around. He actually has really good people skills.

As we spoke, I started to ask what the situation was. Bill screwed up his face in a grimace. “Things are rocky with the team”. He continued, “They are good people but difficult people. They just don’t do what I need them to do.” He pointed to a couple of team members, “They always deliver what I ask them to, but I really need them to be more proactive, to take on more and be prepared to do different things”.

I asked Bill a couple of pretty obvious questions that you are probably thinking right now. “What does it look like to be proactive? What behaviours would you see? More to the point, have you ever told your team?”.

In the cold hard light of day, you might think this is obvious but it requires thought. Bill is crazy busy with tons of things to deliver. Under pressure, Bill reverts to type – a big picture thinker who doesn’t think in detail. The great thing about a coaching session is that it gave Bill time to step back and think. “I don’t think I have ever actually told them what my expecations are explicitly,” Bill continued. “We just don’t talk about how we work together. It is not the kind of conversation we have at this company.”

I picked Bill up on that right away. “Have you ever asked them what their expectations are? Or, have you ever asked them how you can get the best out of them?” I believe that most people come to work to do a good job, and will tell you how best to work with them if you simply ask.

“No” Bill said, looking perplexed. “I just assumed that being the manager that it was my job to motivate them. I want everyone on the team to be happy and to get along.” Knowing Bill, I knew this was completely true from his perspective. Harmony is one of his biggest values.

“The thing is, Bill, that what makes people happy and productive really is different for everyone. One size doesn’t fit all.” Again, to the observer this might seem obvious, but who really has the time to really stop and think about this kind of thing at great length?

“One of your team members is itching to be stretched and needs to feel like he is achieving,” I explained. “Another needs consistent feedback when she is going a good job, but you to explain the specifics of what makes it a good job. Just thanking her won’t wash. She wants concrete details”. These kinds of little nuances are what make ALL the difference.

Bill’s face dropped and broadened into a big smile as the lightbulb went on. “In my busy-ness, I have been seeing them as the problem especially as we are all stressed and revert to type. What I am seeing is that I need to step into each of these relationships, ask each person about how we are working together,” he said pensively. “I need to be vulnerable enough to ask them how to get the best out of them. I also need to be honest about what I can give them and what I can’t…but we need to have a very human conversation”. Needless to say at this point Bill wasn’t the only one smiling!

How to deal with difficult people

Here are seven principles to help you overcome people problems and deal with the real human being behind the issue.

Separate problems from people

See them as a person first – when we are stressed and under pressure, we can easily see another person as a faceless problem. The moment we see the other person as the problem, we make them wrong and treat them as such. That is never going to get us to a solution as it won’t endear us to them or make them inclined to cooperate.

They are only human too

We all have our challenges and issues…and insecurities. Underneath it all, we all want to be loved and understood. When you understand that everyone you work with really does have problems that are as big to them as yours are to you, you bring empathy and compassion into the situation. This is the first step in building bridges.

Seek first to understand then be understood

Most of us are stuck in our own little world and can only really see our own stuff…and assume that others don’t get how bad our situation is. Ask questions and seek to really understand the other person’s world first, and they will be far more inclined to try to understand yours.

Be generous and give the benefit of the doubt

What I am talking about here is being socially generous. That extends to assuming that everyone has a positive reason behind their behaviour or is seeking to do a good job, even if right now you don’t get it. They are not just being difficult people for the hell of it. Give them the benefit of the doubt and find out their perspective.

Choose connection rather than separation

This is the biggie especially in the work place. Choose to have the very human conversation about a situation and be vulnerable and sincere in your approach. Choose to build the connection rather than reinforce the separation. You might initially be met with some skepticism, but most people will respond positively when you see them as human rather than the source of a problem.

People do not think or feel the same way as you

This is a hard one to really see and understand beyond an intellectual understanding, but personality typing systems such as Myers Briggs and the Enneagram can give a real insight into what makes a person tick on a deep level. I am not talking about just different experiences or values here, but that people are wired quite differently and if you can really understand this, you can really take a step into another person’s world.

Play to their communication style

This extends to knowing what works best for communicating with the other person. Bill being a big picture person hadn’t really grasped that his team member wanted to know what specifically and in detail what she was doing well and needed to improve on. His “harmony” perspective had him thanking her and wondering why his thanks didn’t have the impact he wanted it to. If you can understand what is meaningful to how the other person communicates, you will remove a big barrier to connection.

[reminder]What can you do to get on with that difficult person at work?[/reminder]

Image credit: Nicola Corboy/Flickr

The post How to deal with difficult people at work appeared first on Krish Surroy | The Maverick Mentor.

However, many aspects of meditation aren’t understood. There are a number of myths that get in the way of many men trying it out. Here are several of those myths debunked to help you get started.

It is hard isn’t it?

Actually meditation is quite simple and anyone can do it. It is deceptively simple but not always easy for most men. In a culture of busy-ness, meditation can be counter intuitive, but as Sylvia Boorstein said, “don’t just do something, sit there”.

In reality we make it more difficult than it needs to be. Usually we are trying too hard to concentrate or think that meditation should look a certain way. Let’s face it, as men we can get too focused on a particular outcome and the need to control!

The most basic and accessible practice is focusing on breath or repeating a mantra/focus word, both of which are very simple and easy. Then it is just a matter of practice.

Do I have to be spiritual or religious?

Although meditation started in Hinduism and Buddhism, it doesn’t matter whether you are spiritual, agnostic or atheist. Meditation is about focus and concentration rather than spirituality. This is part of the reason why it is becoming popular with business leaders (e.g. Bill Ford and Russell Simmons of Def Jam Records) and in sport (e.g. Phil Jackson is an experienced meditator and won the NBA 11 times ).

Mindfulness is really about enriching everyday life for everyday people. Even the Dalai Lama has said that meditation is not about religion or spirituality, but rather the transformation of the mind.

I don’t have time!

Many men are so time starved that the idea of finding time to meditate can be daunting. Like many things that are good for you though, you are missing a trick if you don’t.

You can start to derive benefit from meditating for as little as 10 minutes (or less to begin with – it is better than not meditating at all). Studies have shown that as little as 20 minutes a day has a significant impact on stress reduction.

More than that, meditation helps to make you more present so the time you have is of higher quality. It also slows you down from rushing around quite as much and you get into the flow more and more as your thinking and awareness become more efficient.

Don’t I have to empty my head of thoughts?

This is probably the single biggest thing that gets in the way of starting meditation. In reality, we can’t stop our thoughts but we can pay them less attention. Meditation is about finding a single pointed focus and coming back to that.

Our mind is like a crazy overactive monkey (hence “the monkey mind”) that just needs guiding back to a point of focus. If you are thinking during meditation, that isn’t a failure. It is just human nature. All that is needed is to bring your mind back to the object of focus (breath, mantra etc).

Eventually meditation becomes about observing your thoughts and becoming less attached. In essence, your thoughts are like clouds. They pass by and you don’t have to pay them too much attention.

Don’t I have to sit in funny positions and need stuff?

As with any activity, having a routine or ritual can certainly help. Many meditators light a candle or incense and have a specific place to sit. None of this is actually necessary. It is actually just about doing mediation. That is what makes it so simple.

There are some things that can help a meditation practice though:

• Meditating at the same time of the day can help to create and embed the habit
• You don’t have to sit in Lotus position! Sitting on a supportive chair with your spine upright is fine and will help you to concentrate. I even meditate on the train while commuting.
•  Setting a timer for your meditation session can help your mind relax and let go. The timer on your smart phone is perfect.
• Using guided meditations can be a great way to start. There are also some great apps which can guide you through the process of learning (I always recommend Headspace to clients).

Aren’t I going to have weird experiences?

While some people do have experiences of seeing colours or feelings of bliss, that is not the point. Meditation is about stillness, awareness and being centred.

Meditation also gives us benefits in the other hours of the day when we carry some of that mindfulness and stillness from our meditation session. It builds your self-awareness and perspective, giving your more choice and making you more resilient to daily pressures.

Doesn’t it take years to get any benefit?

Meditation is a practice – the more you do it the more benefit you will but it is about progress and practice not perfection. Many people feel better after their first session and certainly after the first few days.

Beyond that, huge benefits can be had in a matter of weeks. For example, a recent Harvard study found that 8 weeks of mindfulness meditation builds brain matter in areas related to memory, sense of self, stress and empathy. Other studies back this up.

The longer term benefits of meditation are well documented. Essentially, the more you practice, the better. Practice isn’t about reaching some end goal though. Practice will help you drop into a meditation more quickly, maintain it longer and access that state more easily during the day.

[reminder]What are you going to do to start meditating?[/reminder]

Image credit: Patrick M/Flickr

The post Seven myths about meditation debunked! appeared first on Krish Surroy | The Maverick Mentor.

With all the stress and pressure that the average modern man faces, and the scientific evidence proving the benefits of meditation, the better question is why aren’t you meditating?

Meditation is something that everyone can benefit from, but it is no magic bullet. It is a practice whose benefits build the more you do it. As a guy, here is why you need to be meditating…

A clear head

Meditation in essence is the practice of single pointed focus and concentration. It can help you to have a clear mind by focusing on a single thing at a time and helping you to build that capability. It also helps you to start to release and detach from your worries.

If you are one of those men that lies awake at night with a whirring mind, meditating can help you slow your thoughts and find calm. Five minutes of quiet away from your desk during the day can achieve the same thing at work.

More than that, meditation helps you to access the Alpha and Theta brainwaves. These are our most creative and insightful thinking states. With less clutter in our heads and deeper levels of thinking, we are better thinkers.

A clear heart

As men, we are often taught that you have to be tough to be a leader and to deny what you are actually feeling. When you close your hearts as a man, you cut yourself off from one of the most important resources you have. Meditation helps in a couple of ways.

First, when you slow down and become more present, you start to feel your feelings rather than what you think you should feel. Knowing what you feel allows you to make better choices for yourself.

Second, meditation gradually unhooks you from judgements, both yours and other people’s. You become less affected by other people’s opinions and start to listen and to trust yourself more. You also become less attached to your own negativity, which gives you more power and more freedom.

Calm

If you are constantly stressed out and overwhelmed, meditation can help you find some calm. It is great for getting some perspective and some distance from what is causing you stress. How?

In every event, there is what happens and then the judgement we make about it. Nothing is inherently good or bad but it is our judgements that sends it one way or another. A lot of stress comes from our reactions to situations and how attached we are to our judgements.

When we are stressed these judgements hold a vice like grip over our attention. This is about our need as men to be in control. Meditation helps to release this vice like grip and helps us to observe more and judge less.

Release and detach the dirty little secret

As I have written about before, as men we tend to have a dirty little secret – not feeling good enough, impostor syndrome and the fear of exposure and feeling vulnerable. We invest a tremendous amount of energy and focus in keeping this secret.

Meditation is not going to magically cure this. It will ease the effects and help you to gradually release this fear.

Because meditation is an experience, you will have the muscle memory of what it feels like to be calm. This makes it much easier to get back to calm in those moments of fear and panic when you feel exposed or vulnerable.

More time

Yes, really. Most men are time starved. There isn’t enough time in the day. Yet we waste so much time worrying the past or the future or rushing about or checking social media. In short, little time is spent right here, right now.

When you are more present, the time you have is much better quality. The more present you are, the more time seems to expand until you seem to experience having more time. In reality, you don’t. You are just making much better use of the time that you have.

Practising meditation brings you more into the moment, making you more present to yourself, the people around you and your life.

Getting more healthy without the treadmill

If you haven’t guessed by now, meditation makes you more healthy. There is a ton of scientific evidence to back this up…especially if you practice regularly.

Meditation doesn’t deal with the circumstances of your life so much as how you respond to life and how present you are. This gets you more in touch with what is important to you and helps you to make better decisions. So, better mental health. Also, better sleep! WOOHOO!

However, up to 80% of illnesses and diseases are stress related. Meditation gives you an effective set of tools to manage and reduce stress, which is some of the best preventative healthcare you can give yourself. The best thing is that you don’t have to reach outside yourself to alcohol, smoking, food, drugs or the like to get your through life.

If you do reach out for those kinds of things (and most of us do), meditation isn’t going to cure addiction…but it is going to help.

The Real You

One of the most profound effects of meditation is when you first start to observe your thoughts like weather passing by. This raises the question “who is doing the observing?” In other words, you are more than your thoughts or your mind. When that one hits you, that opens up a whole other set of possibilities!

One of the biggest things that meditation can help with is getting to know who you are, deep down. You start to notice the patterns and reactions that drive you. You start to realise how you really feel about things. You become less attached to things and see what is important to you.

More than that, you start to be able to get insights and inspiration from your inner wisdom – whether you see that as your subconscious (which processes 11 million bits of information a second…your conscious mind processes up to 40!) or something more. You get out of your own way and into the flow of life. You become more allowing, which gives you a more relaxed and enjoyable approach to life.

Time to start?

There are so many issues that we face in society that are born out of stress, pressure and worry. While I wouldn’t hold meditation as the answer to all the world’s problems (though it can help), it can vastly improve the quality of your life and those in your life. With so many good things to gain, isn’t it about time you got started?

[reminder]What’s stopping you from meditating?[/reminder]

Image credit: Moyan Brenn/Flicker

The post If you are a man who doesn’t meditate, you’ve gotta start. Here’s why! appeared first on Krish Surroy | The Maverick Mentor.

That is your “dirty little secret”, and that is the one thing that most stands between you and your power, your purpose and your best life. It is also one of things that makes you human.

The truth is that we all have dirty little secrets that we don’t want other people to find out. However for men especially in business this is even more true.

An example of a dirty little secret

Steve is a senior business leader in a large international company. He is “successful” by many people’s standards as he makes excellent money, he has great vision and his team love him. On the outside he is a very confident, charismatic man.

However, Steve has a number of secrets that he spends a lot of time and energy hiding from other people. He feels isolated personally and professionally and feels quite lonely. He has problems in his relationships because of the hours he has to work. Steve is also scared of public speaking but has to do a lot of it in his job.

Possibly worst of all, he is scared of being found out as being an impostor or a fraud who shouldn’t be in a senior position. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. Steve is extremely competent and capable, however, he secretly has poor self-esteem and believes he is not good enough.

Steve might sound extreme, but his story is far more common than we would care to admit. Sound familiar?

Why is this a problem?

If we all have these secrets, why is this a problem? Surely that’s just human nature?

The fact that we all have the secrets is the problem.

Steve doesn’t want to feel exposed, vulnerable or weak as he fears what his colleagues will think of him if they find out that he has fears and insecurities. He suspects that his colleagues in the boardroom also have insecurities, but because no one wants to feel exposed or vulnerable, they hide and mask their fears and do not talk about them.

These dirty little secrets are the white elephant in the room. It just isn’t acceptable for leaders in business, especially guys, to appear weak or vulnerable…or human.

How many times have you sat in a meeting feeling nervous and insecure, thinking you’re the only one who feels that way? However, if you really think about it you know that everyone else in that meeting is only human and have their own worries as well.

Keeping these fears secret takes a huge amount of energy, time and concentration.  It also exacts a toll on your self-confidence and self-esteem. These secret fears exert huge contrl and and stop you playing fallout. They stop you living your purpose and enjoying your best life because they would rob you of power.

The problem is not so much that you have the fear, but rather that it is secret.

Try this

I’m going to give you a principle to work with that was given to me by one of my teachers, Sonia Choquette. That principle is “if you name it, you claim it“. In other words, those fears and insecurities have less power over you when you name them out loud.

Obviously, getting past your “dirty little secrets” goes way beyond a single blog post. However, here is an activity you can try which will help to loosen the grip of these secret fears now.

Version 1 — the stretch version

Have a conversation with a person that you trust intimately — that could be trusted friend, a close colleague, a partner, even a coach or a therapist — and voice your worries and fears  to them. This only has to be to one person, but the act of speaking your fears out loud breaks the power of the secret and allows you to reclaim your power.

This has to be with someone that you trust, but the power of someone witnessing your vulnerability is hugely freeing and creates a high degree of connection with the other person. If this is one step too far, you could try the other version.

Version 2 — the easier version

This version of the exercise is certainly simpler and easier but still may not be easy. It is extremely powerful though, and is worth doing.

You will need to be in a room where you can close the door have some private time when you will not be disturbed. You will also need a mirror as you will need to look yourself in the eye for this exercise to really have clout. This time, speak your fears and your worries out loud while looking yourself in the eye in the mirror. In effect, you are acting as your own witness.

Don’t only speak about the things you are worried about, but also why you were worried about them or why they are fear.

You have to do this out loud though and doing in your head or on paper simply isn’t enough. This is, in effect, hiding out. Saying it out loud means it’s not a secret any more, even if the only person who is actually heard it is a person in the mirror.

The effect

Doing either of these exercises (or both if you really want to get on top of these fears) will loosen the grip that these fears have on you considerably. They simply won’t have the same power over you. This frees up not only energy, but also resources and choices that were previously available.

In other words, you reclaim your power and gain more freedom. That has got to be worth it.

[reminder]If you felt brave enough, what is the one fear or insecurity that you are ready to release?[/reminder]

Image Credit: Alon/Flickr

The post What is your dirty little secret? appeared first on Krish Surroy | The Maverick Mentor.

Whatever this year has been like for you, now is a great time to review 2014, take the lessons and seeds of wisdom and gently but intentionally release the year (ready for the next one).

Why review and release the year?

Most of us have little understanding of time and intention, and so end up with time passing wondering where the hell it went.

One of my teachers once said to me that life is meant to be lived forward and understood backward i.e. gaining the benefit and wisdom of hindsight. The seeds of wisdom and truth are always there in our story, but we find it hard to see them at the moment we are in them.

So, one of the things that I picked up from very mundane project management was to do a post-project lessons learned. This allowed me to see what had happened, and the see what I might want to carry forward or do differently.

Also, by consciously doing a ritualised activity or process at the end of the year allows you to symbolically leave behind all the stuff that didn’t work so that you can somewhat start the new year afresh. It may not be quite as simple as that in reality, but in our heart and mind, it allows us to draw a line under the year.

Personally, I like to do this exercise around now…just before Xmas when I have most of my stuff done and I am beginning to slow down and enjoy the season.

The simple version

This doesn’t have to be complicated. The most simple version of reviewing the year goes like this…get some paper, maybe a journal and ON PAPER (or computer), write answers the following questions:

• What went well this year?
• What didn’t go so well this year?
• What would you do differently next time?

There you go! That’s it. You can write in long form or by bullets. Whatever works for you.

There is a lot that can be gained from this simple version. The point is simply reviewing and reflecting is more than most people do.

The even better version

Ok, this one is slightly longer, but as with many things in life, you get out what you put in! Again, this is a written review exercise because the act of writing something down crystalises it and makes it real. Simply talking this out doesn’t have quite the same effect…nice conversation at the time, soon forgotten!

There are some really juicy questions here and some real good material for you to get your hands on. This is really worth giving some time and focus to, rather than just going through the motions.

My suggestion is to put aside 1–2 hours, switch off the phone and go somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed and can think. When you write, write the first things that come into your head. Your amazing mind usually knows what to bring up to be looked at.

Happenings

• What happened this year?
• If this year were a song, film or a book, what would it be?
• What were the 2–4 big themes of the year?

The Good

• What were the great points about 2014?
• What were you accomplishments in 2014 this year? What were the victories, big and small?
• What A-HAs, mindset shifts or big wisdom did you get this year?
• What did you learn about yourself this year?
• What are you proud of?

The bad

• What were the challenges of 2014? How did you overcome them?
• What areas of your life were crazy making or out of balance? What can you do to change them?
• What do you need to rant about or express to get clear and feel complete with 2014?

The wise

• If you had to distil your life lessons from 2014, what would they be?
• What are you going to do differently next year?

You can of course not do this and go stumbling blindly into 2015 (can you guess that I think you should do this?!?! :-)). Your life is amazing though, whether it seems good or bad…and just taking that time to review can be the difference between having an ok, a good or a great 2015.

So, give YOURSELF the gift of time and space this holiday season, find the gold in your story and have a wonderful end to 2014!

[reminder]What are your best lessons of the year?[/reminder]

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The post How to review and release 2014, ready for a great 2015! appeared first on Krish Surroy | The Maverick Mentor.