Enjoy.

Inspired by Jessica.

1. During my last semester of college I was a juggler and a clown in a circus. I almost didn’t graduate because I spent so much time at rehearsals.

2. I also almost didn’t graduate because I took too many math credits and couldn’t count them all towards my total needed to graduate. A last minute independent project saved me.

3. I failed (technically I received an NE) the only Computer Science course I took in college because I didn’t turn in every homework assignment, even though I had gotten 100% on every exam and all the assignments that I did turn in.

   3a. Let’s just say that I think it’s appropriate that the professor’s name was Koch, pronounced with a hard ‘k’ at the end.

4. I’m only half joking when I say I want to name our daughter Kristina Earlina Markel, Jr.

5. I know from experience that having “Juggler and Clown in a Circus” on your resume is a great way to get interviews.

6. I first flirted with my wife by showing her a magic trick and playing a “survival of the fittest” game that I made up with animal crackers.

7. I subsequently stood her up when we were supposed to go to a gay strip club with a bunch of friends. (I swear I am not making this up. We had a mutual friend who was “performing”.)

8. Before I tell any joke I repeat it in my head 10 times.

9. For a while I had a mullet in high school.

10. I hope to never live more than five blocks from a grocery store. Maybe four.

    10a. I currently live 1.5 blocks from the nearest grocery store, a Trader Joe’s.

11. I lived in Paris for six months and managed to never speak any French.

12. I have a tiny third earlobe tucked behind my right ear.

13. I think that the minivan is the pinnacle of modern automotive engineering, especially the ones made by Toyota and Honda.

14. I’m listed as an inventor on patent 7,383,512.

15. The Muppet Movie makes me cry.

16. If you see someone with the username “HeroicAutobot” on a website, it’s probably me.

17. I’ve had two cavities filled without using any anesthetic. I highly recommend it.

18. The summer before 8th grade I had to have seven teeth pulled prior to getting braces. One was a adult tooth that was still buried in my gum.

19. There is no question in my mind as to which joke is the world’s funniest.

    19a. A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Did you know there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?” The pirate replies, “Aye. It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

    19b. Yes, I repeated that joke to myself 10 times before typing it out.

20. I used to believe that an Oxford comma was always necessary, but my stance is softening.

    20a. Today I learned something new about Nelson Mandela.

21. My name appears in the credits of a video game you have almost certainly never played.

22. In Paris, if you walk down the street with a smile on your face, people will think you’re “simple” and possibly dangerous. Thinking about this always makes me smile, especially if I’m walking down the street in Paris.

23. I really believe that most people have one or more super powers. For example, I can pretty much make anyone laugh at any time.

    23a. It helps that I know the world’s funniest joke.

24. I can turn off my tickle reflex, making it impossible to tickle me.

25. After college, I briefly printed and distributed my own ‘zine. I’m pretty sure all copies have been lost or destroyed.

Currently, according to the book, The Toddler should have a vocabulary of 50 words. Jo wasn’t sure The Toddler had than many words, and I said that she had at least 100.¹ As I was at home sick yesterday, we decided to compile a list.

First, some notes.

• The list is not complete for two reasons. First, there are some words that she knows that I don’t want to include on the list. Think body parts relevant to potty training and you’ll get a good idea of what’s missing. Second, after we finished the list we thought of several more, but didn’t bother to add them.

• She can speak all of these words, but unless you are one of her parents, you probably wouldn’t know what she was saying. For example, ‘umbrella’ sounds more like ‘belu’, but Jo and I know what she means because it’s what she says when she points to an umbrella. Pretty much everything except for maybe ‘chocolate’ is shortened to one or two syllables.

Here’s the list, in no particular order.

• soup
• tea
• cookie
• cracker
• toast
• egg
• cheese
• pea
• chocolate
• juice
• milk
• water
• ear
• mouth
• nose
• toe
• foot
• knee
• eyebrow
• eye
• sock
• shoe
• coat
• hat
• shirt
• bow
• boa
• boot
• bye
• hi
• coat
• chair
• yes
• no
• snake
• monkey
• baby
• may
• please
• thank you
• hot
• cold
• umbrella
• red
• blue
• green
• pink
• bubble
• ball
• bath
• tree
• mommy
• daddy
• nana
• bottle
• flower
• bird
• kitty
• dog
• moo
• quack
• squeek
• neigh
• O
• T
• I
• Madeleine
• more
• pretty
• Kayin
• Kendall
• Lilly
• car
• guy
• truck
• big
• book
• Minnie
• bug
• crayon
• color
• draw
• booboo
• teeth
• star
• twinkle
• bear
• girl
• boy
• towel
• swish
• duck
• potty
• boat
• fish
• turtle
• frog
• candy cane
• pumpkin
• cloud
• pear
• apple
• blanket
• toot
• like
• up
• two
• walk
• belly button
• bed

Not too shabby for a 17 month old.

This is something I’ve already posted on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc (Thanks Ping.fm!), but I thought I’d post it here as well.

It’s a book called Ikea Furniture for Dummies.

Here’s the chapter list.

• Chapter 1 – Read the instructions, dummy!
• Chapter 2 – Don’t force it, dummy!
• Chapter 3 – Hey Dummy! I told you not to force it.
• Appendix – A field guide to allen wrenches.

The Awakening

I have toddler duties in the morning, and The Toddler awoke at 6:30, so I did too. I instantly realize that I have a horrible headache.

Toddler Duties

Keeping up with The Toddler means making oatmeal and trying to get her to eat it, changing her diaper and getting her into some clothes, and reading / singing The Wheels on the Bus at least 20 times. I’m also trying to get some Tylenol in me to deal with the headache. I get the Tylenol, but the headache doesn’t go away.

Let’s Try a Nap

Jo gets up at around 8:30 and I decide to take a nap before heading into work in the hope that my headache will go away. I’m not sure how a nap is supposed help, but I can’t really think straight at this point.

The Awakening, Part II

The nap ends around 9:30, but the headache does not. I send an email to work and try and continue napping. At some point, Jo brings me Excedrin and a glass of water. The headache does not go away.

Folk Remedy

I can’t sleep, and I can barely think straight, so I decide to try a neti pot. This has worked for me in the past, but it’s not exactly pleasant. This helps a bit, but not much.

Facing the Beast

Here’s where it starts to get interesting. At this point, it’s been at least 20 hours since my last cup of coffee. While I don’t think this is the cause (entirely, at any rate) of my headache, I know if I don’t get some caffeine soon, it’s only going to get worse.

I keep a jar of Nescafé around for caffeine emergencies just like this. However, in part because I am a moron and in part because the headache is still preventing me from thinking straight, I decide to make some fresh coffee using the french press. I have to say that this decision, while not wise, is not entirely indefensible. One of my Christmas gifts from Jo was the Lighthouse Coffee of the Month Club and the latest Roaster’s Choice had just arrived. I really, really, really wanted my Lighthouse coffee.

You know how sometimes you make a really bad decision and then follow it up with a series of even worse decisions? This is one of those times for me.

Because I was making Lighthouse for the first time, I decided that I needed to clean my french press and coffee grinder so as to not contaminate the superior roast with inferior coffee leavings. To do this, I had to clean out the sink, and to do this, I had to empty the dishwasher. So I empty the dishwasher, but can’t really manage cleaning out the sink because of the headache and the fact that the sink is full of gross, dirty dishes. Jo, taking pity on me (and probably trying to get me to shut up about my headache) cleans out the sink for me.

After a bit of a rest, I get back to cleaning the press and the grinder. At this point, I figure that I’ve put this much work into this, I should adjust the grinder to allow for a coarser grind, which I’ve been meaning to do for a while. The grinder has a convenient dial for adjusting the grind, but I wanted to get it up to 11, so to speak. (Although in this case, it’s really more like getting it down to -1 because the lower the number, the coarser the grind.) This is a six step process that involves tools. (Well, it involves an allen wrench at any rate. When you factor in the fact that they guy running the show here is also behaving like a tool, you get two tools.)

Finally, something like an hour after I could have had a cup of Nescafé, I’m finally making my coffee.

The Conclusion

In the end, was it worth it? I’d have to say no, for two reasons. First, my head hurt too much to appreciate the coffee, and second, in the end it didn’t help me feel any better anyway. In fact, the caffeine from the Excedrin combined with the caffeine in the coffee made me feel jittery and nauseous.

Mr. Incompetent

• Super Power – He really wants to be evil, but he screws up his crimes so badly that he ends up thwarting other criminals. For example, he once tried to rob a bank not realizing that there was already a robbery in progress, and he ended up accidentally tripping the silent alarm while locking the original bank robbers in the vault. He was hailed as a hero.

Origin

Mr. Incompetent desperately wanted to join The Bad Guys™. He had established contact with the group and managed to arrange an interview. On the way he got lost and accidentally wandered into The Good Guys® headquarters, with a map to The Bad Guys™ lair in hand.

The Good Guys® were then able to ambush The Bad Guys™ at the lair and send many of their number to jail.

From: Steve
To: All
Subject: Junior’s Cheesecake in the kitchen

…courtesy of XXXXXXXX, who helped us XXXXXXXXXXXX. We paid them thousands of $$ for XXXXX and XXXXX, and they threw in a cheesecake.

Seriously, it’s a good cheesecake, a proper NY-style cake with raspberry swirl.

-s
P.S. A bonus slice for the person who knows what the distinguishing feature of a true NY Cheesecake is.

From: Kris
To: All
Subject: RE: Junior’s Cheesecake in the kitchen

P.S. A bonus slice for the person who knows what the distinguishing feature of a true NY Cheesecake is.

I have no idea, but here are some educated guesses:

• It has a jaded world view and general contempt for humanity.
• You try and ask it a polite question, and it responds profanely.
• It only ever wears black.
• Nothing will phase it, not even people riding the subway without any pants on.

-k

PS. The cake was delicious!

PPS. Apologies to New Yorkers for my propagation of completely unfounded stereotypes about you.

From: Steve
To: All
Subject: RE: Junior’s Cheesecake in the kitchen

Those are good guesses, s**tface, but unsurprisingly you’re wrong. And your mother pisses me off.

-s

(I think I hit guesses 1 and 2. I’m wearing black today so that’s 3. Not taking my pants off at the office though).

Derek is one of the two founders of Innerfence, whom I met at the Seattle iPhone Tech Talk. (Technically, we met at the gathering the night before.) He’s a smart and insightful guy who knows many of the ins and outs of developing iPhone apps, especially dealing with submission / approval process.

Should be an interesting group.

If you are even thinking of considering of toying with the idea of getting a membership, you should do it today. A little birdy told me that the price will be going up once the site comes back from a hiatus that starts tomorrow.