Well it’s a great idea if you’re not one who obsesses over numbers. Tracking numbers is fine, but obsessing is not.

I talked a little bit in my last video update for Fitness Life Reality about this, but essentially my doctor feels that I’m trying to take on too much in terms of life changes right now.

• Regaining my “I’m such an awesome chick, any guy would be lucky to have me,” self-esteem after allowing someone to destroy it - something I’ve never done, and never thought I’d be the kind of person to do. Which sometimes makes me feel even more like crap. Vicious cycle, seriously. But working hard at getting through it, and doing pretty well, if I must say so.
• Staying strong on the non-smoking front, despite the stress of the breakup (which IS getting easier to handle, by the way), family stuff, work stuff… just, stuff.
• Sticking to a steady exercise regime.
• Did I mention work stuff? I got behind for a while there, plus have more projects on the table (which I’m not complaining about) that need tackling.
• Tracking food intake (calories, fat grams, fiber, protein… augh!) every single day, every single morsel.
• Scheduling my days so that I can fit in time for me, the house, my job, my family, my friends, and yes, dating.

I know, it’s really not like I have a 60-hour a week job, husband, 3 or 4 kids, and sick parents or anything… I’m well aware of the fact that there are people out there that have a much more stressful life than I do (for which I’m very grateful), and that’s actually part of what helps me through certain things. But for me, the past 10 months or so has been such a complete whirlwind for me. Very different than I’ve ever been used to before in life, and it took a toll on me.

Here’s the good news though…

• As I said, I’m getting back to being the real me, and not allowing anyone else to pull my emotions around on puppet strings. I’m not “all better, honey” as my cousin’s 4-year old daughter would say, but I’m getting there.
• I’m no longer tracking food intake because the focus on the numbers was making me nuts. I’m practicing mindful eating instead.
• My friend and I are doing 3 days a week at the gym together, and I’m hitting my treadmill at home every day (or the ‘mill at the gym when we go).
• I only gained 4 lbs. in the second month of being on Chantix. According to the doc and others I’ve talked to who went on it, gains from 12-20 pounds are VERY common during that 2nd month. I did good!
• Work things are beginning to find a balance. There are projects on the table, but by finishing up the ones that have been on hold, I can better schedule the new ones.

So while things sometimes make me crazy, I’m fighting through it. I refuse to toss my hands in the air and give up. I refuse to let anything (or anyone) defeat me. This is part of the real me, and regardless of my size, my hair color, my finger or toe polish… I’m going to be me. I’m finding the time to sort through, analyze, and come up with real solutions, regardless of how it happens or how long it takes. :)

Anywho, I had a chat with my doctor and he’s oddly (and interestingly) quite in tune with me. Here’s a quick video update for you, and I’m heading to the gym today!

Professor Pausch just passed away, at the age of 47, of pancreatic cancer. I’m so in awe of this man, that he could take the last moments of his life to not only live dreams and make the most with his family, but to encourage the whole world to do the same their whole lives long.

It puts so many things into perspective. How we choose to live our lives is what makes us happy or sad.

This man has been an amazing inspiration to so many people. I’m sure his closest friends and family will miss him terribly… I know the rest of the world will.

I would love nothing more than to have my business to the point where I can get up at 6am and do a little work while eating breakfast, head to the gym at 9am, and then come home, shower, eat lunch, clean up around the house, and sit back down on the computer from say… 1pm til 4pm. Then have the rest of the day to do whatever, wherever, or nothing at all.

That really doesn’t even sound all that structured, but it is. In comparison to what I’m actually doing, that is.

I’ve got a bunch of personal projects (like this site) on the table that many of have been pushed back and neglected. I’ve got 5 client projects running right now. I’m trying to keep myself in the habit of journaling my food, and making sure I’m getting to the gym. That’s kind of part of why i’m doing the fitness reality show with Pat… it forces me to be accountable!

I’m trying to set myself up with a schedule. I remember back when I was in school, I used to love the day I got my schedule and found out when all my extra-curricular stuff was going on, because I would take graph paper and make a time table. I’d use pretty colored markers or colored pencils, I’d block out my hours, including “fun time” with friends… and I’d actually stick to it (well, for a while anyway).

I just don’t want to get so wrapped up in “structure” that I forget to let loose and have fun. But seriously, I don’t think that’ll ever happen with me. ;)

In all fairness, it wasn’t a “typical” day for me, but still.

Since then, I had two days where I was around 1700 calories, but it wasn’t all “good” food.

And then yesterday… I was so proud of myself! I had made a “turkey ratatouille” sort of dish, made enough to freeze two containers and have two in the fridge, almost all veggies. The day’s total in calories? 1,329.

Pretty neat, huh? It’s amazing what happens when you really track your intake. SparkPeople makes it super easy, of course, since they tally everything up for you, show you charts and a week’s history at a clip. It’s really nice. I feel good having that overview at the end of the day!

Do you keep a food journal?

What’s a newly single gal/guy to do?

So many times you hear that a person should find something to focus on after a breakup that will help them get over it. Some people dive into their work, feeling like it’s going to make them feel better as a more accomplished and successful person. Others focus on their creativity, making things that take concentration like painting or sculpting or photography. Still others will take “extreme” measures to change their physical appearance, be it a drastic hair cut or coloring, or getting a tattoo, or deciding to finally rid themselves of the extra weight (or the weight they were carrying around in contentment).

I’ve found myself wanting to do so many things, to take my mind off the hurt and loneliness, and to fill the “time void” that’s there now that I’m not spending all my free time with someone. So I made a list of goals, all various things, that I want to accomplish for myself. (Yes, finding a good man to “love me back” is one of them.) But the coolest part about making all these goals is that it has actually reminded me that I really AM a great person, with a lot of things to offer the world, and it’s up to me to make sure I don’t lose those things about myself.

At the top of my list?

Losing the rest of this weight and getting myself into the good habits of a healthy individual. I’m still kicking the non-smoking thing, and I decided that since I’m saving money there, it’s best directed toward a gym membership at this point. So that’s starting this week. :)

I’m also going to work on time-management with work stuff. I have lots of projects going on that are “mine” and then there’s client stuff. I need to get the client stuff out of the way, and then really gear myself more toward my personal projects. I feel a lot more “fulfilled” when I’ve done something that’s mine, sometimes even more than when I’ve done something for a client.

Cooking more kind of goes along with the first thing on my list, but it also indirectly goes along with the second thing. By cooking more, and creating or trying more healthy recipes, I can share them here with you and that will fulfill a goal I have of continuing to help people. Killing two birds with one stone… my idea of success!

Deep, deep down inside, I’m a clean freak. I know I am. She’s in there, eating cookies with the skinny girl inside me. I’ve tried becoming a FLYbaby, but it’s all too much, so I’m going to work out my own routines.

I’ve also resolved myself to doing more stuff just for fun. Saturday I went to Six Flags New England with my godkids and their mom and a bunch of others, and let me tell you it was just the best thing ever. I didn’t crave a cigarette all day long, I hung out with my best friend (who I don’t get to see as much as I’d like to), got some sun, and rode roller coasters. It was great - I didn’t think about anything but hanging with them and having fun! I’ve decided that I’m going to set a goal to do something like that at least once a month.

How does it feel?

It feels REALLY good to have goals like this, I can’t stress it enough. It takes my mind off things that are painful, and directs it to things that are fulfilling and rewarding and wonderful. I’m feeling pretty good right now, and I’m excited to be able to say that for the first time in quite some time. :)

I’d like to take this blog to the next level, because well, it’s honestly been sitting here in limbo (sometimes I post a lot, sometimes I don’t) and I don’t want that. I’m really wanting to save it, you know? This stuff’s important to me, but so are the bills.

That being said I need you guys to help me out on a few things.

1. Tell me what you want to see here. I’m writing this blog for me, yes, but I’m also writing for my readers. I want YOU GUYS to be happy coming here!

2. Let me know if you’d be interested in blogging here, be it regularly or by guest posting here and there. I’d love to get other voices going and I’m reaching out to you, my lovely readers, to help me do that. Leave me a comment below and I’ll contact you via email (so make sure you use a valid one - don’t worry, no one will see it but me) and we can work out some details.

I do have a standard or two, but for the most part, I’m pretty flexible on guest posts. They need to be relevant to health and fitness OR to plus size modeling. They need to use proper grammar and be written in a clear, concise tone and flow. They do NOT require extensive hours of research or insane amounts of knowledge about the subject, but they do need to present any facts with references and make a clear difference between opinion and fact. That said, all posts will be submitted for approval, and will be subject to possible editing by me. You’ll get the credit (and a link to your site if you have one) though!

While I’m busy doing other work, I’d really love to keep the momentum going and growing with this site, and I’d appreciate any help you guys can offer! :)

I’m realllly cranky today. Been sort of bitchy to some, and just grumpy as all hell. Today’s my first day without a cigarette, and while thanks to the Chantix it’s a lot better than I thought, combined with near 100 degree heat and high humidity, I’m just not a happy girl.

The not smoking thing really is going better than I thought it would. I woke up this morning with 7 cigs in a pack staring at me. I dumped old coffee in the box and threw it out. I then (yes, before pouring myself FRESH coffee), went around the house and ceremoniously dumped all the ashtrays. After that, I took all the lighters and matchbooks and tossed them in the “junk” drawer. Then I proudly poured my fresh, hot cuppa joe and sat down at the computer to get some work done.

I’m telling you, I must’ve “reached” for a cigarette at least a dozen (or two) times today.

But the weird thing was, it was more like an “Oh yeah, I’m not smoking anymore,” moment, than it was an “Oh f&@k, I need to go to the store,” moment. Which was kinda cool. I’m now 14 hours (awake) into this… and haven’t broken down yet. I hope it stays this “easy”!

Also went to a wedding yesterday. It was beautiful. The bride was gorgeous, the groom was gorgeous, the bridal party was gorgeous, and the reception was gorgeous. I had to fight the tears here and there, I didn’t want anyone to see me crying. All in all though, a really beautiful day. I’m happy for them, as I love them dearly!