lama school

Practice does not require perfect

2012-01-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

If the information is new to you, i have been on a new year's quest for the past few weeks...a quest to go without...No plan to make any goals, resolutions and i am actually even shying sort of clear of intentions.

Shocking, unheard of, degenerate...you say?

this could lead to the downfall of society...
So the two weeks are at an end, and i am sort of resisting going back to doing things any other way. i guess i am really loving this whole space in between where no need to categorize or assess my world exists; only a true desire to be actively engaged in the moment i'm in.
here's what i've learned during this experiment...i didn't really sit around on my duff and eat bon bons, in fact i decided to start a sugar cleanse. that's right, you read me right...during my season of in between. i started a new eating plan. "how does that work"? you might ask....and i'll tell you. it's perfectly awesome to take on things i want to do during this time, i just do it without the whole notion that i have a goal to lose a million pounds, earn a million dollars and sell a million copies of a brilliant new bestseller. There is no need to constellate my plan with judgement or assesment, just energize it with action. i did the sugar thing because it feels like it gets in the way of my physical happiness. in all of my stillness and noticing, i recognized some moments where sugar seemed to feed my sense of less than well-being. so i chose to notice myself going without sugar for a bit.

i've spent 6 days so far in that part of the experiement, and on one of them i cheated. that bummed me out, but mostly because i noticed an immediate emotional shift into negatory good buddie! i don't really love that zone anymore, so today, i shifted back to wanting what it feels like in the sugar free zone.

next, i started making some behind the scenes approaches towards building my own website, making the contacts i need, considering what content is relevant, what i might have to share in such a formal way that is worth putting out there. "what the freak!!!" you say, "how the hell is that not making any resolutions? this chick is a total bait and switch master!" no, no, no, here's the deal, it hasn't felt necessary to make a goal that i have a live website by a certain date, with a certain amount of relevant information all live and ready to go. it has felt relevant that i have some things i wanna do, and some things i wanna say and they are begging to get out...in a more formal and clearly designed way than a catch as catch can blog. so i can't ignore that a great way to organize those thoughts, and then perhaps even grown them into some awesome workshops and projects that other people can get involved in, is to find a way to go public with. well whaddya know? in comes the website. all of a sudden it feels a little fun and exciting to eek out a few minutes during my week to put some creative thought into that and maybe a few action steps to back it up.
hmmm, still different from goals, but it feels like a really slippery slope i'm describing doesn't it?

so here's the deal, i'm so far from perfect that i am loving the whole concept of gently, kindly, lovingly letting myself off the hook on that one and putting down that expectation for good. in return, i am really thrilling in the joy of the PRACTICE of my imperfection. it is a daily habit i am starting here...noticing all the things in that day that support my total and complete well-being and finding a way to do a bit of that for the day. i do like that way it feels if i practice that for more than one day in a row, in fact, i am kinda really liking what it feels like to practice on a daily basis...this gets me absolutely nowhere closer to perfection, just a whole lot more actively engaged in living, and i guess that feels pretty good.

The Liminal Realm

2011-12-31T17:12:00.003-07:00

So who remembers the seinfeld where george's dad invents a new "christmas" holiday called "festivus" and hauls around this strange festivus pole and tries to get everyone to consider it as an option? ok, so i'm not going to start carrying around a new kind of tree (although strangely enough i did invent a newish tree kinda thing this year, maybe that was the start of this notion?--see my last post for "new tree expose' ") But i am formally proposing a new holiday type thingy for your consideration...

i mean, what is new year's really about anyway, right?

every year we all jump on the bandwagon of setting new resolutions, and according to Oprah's experts, we go about falling off that wagon approx. 6 weeks later...that's it, just 6 weeks to change your life every year and then it's just too damn late for a whole notha 10.5 months.

so i'm protesting new year's this year...no more resolutions, no more starting over, no more clanging pots and pans to welcome in a celebration of all things failed 6 short weeks from now.

here's how i look at it? what the hell were we thinking? if you come at this from a straight seasonal approach, we are within a week(ok a tiny bit more) of the shortest day of the year, it's freezing cold out (at least in my neck of the woods), the earth is lying fallow, chilled to the bone while all the seeds planted from the mulching upturning of earth in the fall are just waiting underground, gestating in their seed juice, knowing inherently what they are called to do, but also smart enough to answer the call when the season is right.

this in between time, the space where the world is taking a deep resting breath, where the silence of snow wrapping much of the northern hemisphere( ok at least it is cold enough for it, can't account for lack of moisture in the stratosphere...that's a whole 'nother discussion about nourishing and resources for yet another metaphorgasmic chat at another time) is a chill enough blanket; this is a time when our own energetic rhythms are calling for the feeding that comes from a deep subconscious sleep, when all the 'amniotic' hubris of self-creation gently rocks our souls in what ma in her nightshirt and pa in his cap lovingly refer to as....' a long winter's nap'! So what's all that clatter on the rooftop about? what is that magical dream of eight tiny reindeer and the fat man in red and white(btw the universal colors of the red cross, the suggestion of greater causes of heart at work in the world, opening heart and coming to our aid)...hmmmm, perhaps the mystic appearance of our own willingness to suspend the disbelief of the 5 senses we know in our physical realm might not be the only sense we have.
Perhaps this winter's nap is an invitation in THE LIMINAL REALM? well i'm no genius, interpreter of all things mystic and magical in the world, but i have had enough 6 week cycles of goal and release, that i am eager to seek for a deeper meaning in what the new year might bring.
So here's what i'm proposing...
how 'bout the fortnight from new year's eve straight on through to jan. 14th become our own celebration of the "Liminal Realm"; a true Hol(y)days celebration and exploration of the internal spirit planted deeply within each of us?
How about giving this physical realm a break from all these goals set and broken, timing and germination thwarted to peek our heads out of the earth long before the seed is set to sprout? what if instead we honored the planting? what if we went within, with great stillness began to observe what great intentions we have been calling in since the days of high summer, light and harvest? how cool would that be to allow that GREAT NOTHINGNESS OF EXPLORATION, allowing the seeping in of the mist of spirit at all the edges to inform our waking senses of just what might be at play deep within the earth.

How would those 14 days look? maybe lot's of time choosing not to go to one more party, do all the returns that are so pressing, come up with a whole new Franklin Planner full of next year's plan....perhaps in the long silence, that place of allowing; a prayer for inspiration might actually create enough space that from the deepest of liminal spaces, where belief and disbelief get right on out of the way, will emerge a sense of knowing just what is being created, germinated, sprouted, nourished deep within our hearts and beings, waiting only to emerge when once it's named and whispered into the ethers...those forces of spirit hear the call and respond with the force of the angels (well, 'cause that's who is actually listening, on our side, willing to jump into action when a prayer for assistance is spoken, muttered, shrieked, signed and heck...even karaoke style sung into the cosmos!)

so consider this the formal LIMINAL HOLIDAY MOVEMENT...2 whole weeks to allow our winter's nap to really take root, speak to our hearts from a deep realm, open our spirit to what feels really important and becomes the joyful thing we resolve, intend, open up to all year long, in each little and big moment of expression, connection loving and growth into which we choose to breathe!!!! this is what feels like it might truly be a real expression of self in the Holiest way of all during this Hol(y)day season. What's the hurry anyway? why be so attached to only what you resolve the last night of the calendar year? How about that just being being the start of how and what we notice our highest- self stepping forth to claim in each waking moment?

p.s. i think this feels like a really yummy new year's card too, so please consider this the news of my year until you hear otherwise( at least a fortnight!)

love and other lushy stuff,
lama

What Price Perfection?

2011-12-17T13:28:00.002-07:00

So for the past few years at Christmas, every time i go tree shopping or think about what i want it to look like i get this nagging feeling that it isn't actually a "tree" i want at all. The little inner juices of creativity within my have shoved one idea after another into my brain, hoping one of them would somehow see the light of day. Well this year one of them finally did. Instead of a yummy, pine-smelling perfectly shaped charlie brown tree, this is the idea that popped into my head...a light and air filled tree..a full 8 feet tall and packed with all things creative. this baby took me over a week to assemble; that old joke about someone always falling into the christmas tree...well, that definitely happened as one huge and heavy ball broke off at the top and fell crashing all the other ornaments beneath it. (i just took a day off after that, so i wouldn't revert to the the fetal position and begin sucking my thumb).

And i love it, i've been playing all sorts of christmas music and feel like i go floating by it every time i am in the room...this simple bit of creative expression has set up a wonderful spirit of christmas for me...but here's the thing...

what's the deal with waiting years and years to try a fun idea like this? why put so much pressure on myself that it has to be the coolest, most hip and creative idea or it isn't worth attempting? how many delicious, invovled, intricate, exuberant moments of creation have i stifled because "i wasn't ready yet"? well here's what this feels like for me...i am so happy with this gorgeous bit of frippery that adorns my living room, but i am even more happy that some idea of creation got to take a little test run...

So i invited a bunch of sisters, nieces, grandmas and friends to my house tonight to make gingerbread houses. i planned it last year with one particular niece who L.O.V.E. loves to bake, but we never got around to it. the thing is, we wanted to make these "perfect" martha stewart type houses that only have royal icing, a little silver leafing and homemade gingerbread. as the invite list grew, i grew worried that the other girls would not be happy to have such bald houses and would feel somehow bummed that there was more candy to "pretty up the place". i had this inner battle going on inside of me.."no, it's my party, we'll make the kind of houses i want", "i don't see anyone else offering to host such a thing" , "they will see how beautiful these are when we are done and know it was worth it to do it my way" what a funny self i am...really, why do i care how someone else decorates their house? why do i care how much gorgeous frippery they decide to add over every single inch of the house if they like?
Here's what i hope...that in the true spirit of embracing all the powers of creation during this wonderful season of love and light...that i might allow the space for tiny and large creations of my own, that they may be as insanely flawed as ever, but beautiful all the same; and that my delight in this moment will far outweigh the need for perfection and recognize that the effort of creation is what makes me complete.

hmmmm....see how these lessons come around in this blog here Let Go and Let Guy

Teachers, Travelers, Tricksters and Thieves

2011-12-12T17:39:00.002-07:00

ok, i really have written like 3 brilliant blogs in my own mind this past week while driving, really compelling stuff people. and where is all that brilliance when i sit to write? is it too much to ask for a voice command recorder in my car when i say something like..."recorder on, blog post activate"?

so since i haven't gotten that technology installed yet in my "starting to show its age around the edges" vehicle, i must go straight to the source and allow what comes up now to be the thing. and here's the thing, it's about being open to what is...and the beliefs i have about that. i guess this is sort of a Byron Katie question, but with a broader twist. what i have been learning the past few weeks is about the way in general i accept circumstances, results, behaviors in my life as if they were the only thing that is true. I know better than this don't i?

lemme paint a brief picture...Mercury has been in retrograde for that past little bit. for those of you that question this whole astrological influence thing, that's o.k. you just go on questioning. But i challenge you to do it while paying attention to what cycles come through your life. for example, A woman's "moon" cycle rotates every 28 days, the tides as pulled by this gravitational force influence so many aspects of our own lives in their own ebb and flow. and certainly what happens during Mercury retrograde seems to reveal more and more introspective places of examination and shifting.

In general, Mercury rules all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation and people who use their energy in these areas like; writers, spin doctors,teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves.
And somehow this energy moves into energetic glitches in electronics like phones, cars, computers--something in their operating system seems to go awry.

So why does this seem important to share?
i've found myself all wrapped around my own need to communicate, from just making phone calls in general, to sharing my deepest emotions and feelings in new ways. and during the past month, while this need in me grows to be more clear, transparent, open to connection and loving, by success at these connections has met with some interesting ripples in the process. i find myself circling back around to old ways of doing things, wondering why i'm ending up here again, and then realizing that habit is begging to be let go on a whole new level.

Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages,

but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods

is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches. Is this due to our ego-fixation?

I think all that brilliant drive-time self-writing/ talking has been this subconscious beginning of finding a way to iron out the wrinkles. It may be that some of those wrinkles are just perfect to learn to navigate around, and it may be that when this time of retrograde arises it is an offering. Opening an energetic space to restructure how we think things "should be", how attached we are to our belief about the way a thing must look.

i like to think that with all these teachers, travelers, tricksters and thieves being triggered, it's no wonder i find my own face in each of these characterizations and that each demands its moment in the sun, with the light of exploration revealing what has been kept in the shadow until that moment. and so, gentle, gentle, gentle...be kind to self, love what comes up--allow it to be the thing!

Funny how this introspection cycles, see what other Decembers have brought up in me here

Now is the WINTER of our discontent...oh good winter, welcome with your blankets of stillness and white

2011-11-27T16:38:00.001-07:00

art by Lisa Van Sand

Did you know this line means that we are in the winter timing of all things "ebb" that keep getting in our face? (at least to me it does) As i come up on the end of this year, i am starting to do a year end sum up in my head of where i've been and where i'm going to. Lots of moments and situations feel challenging in my life. sometimes challenge can have a negative underpinning, but i'm gratefully putting on this conscious choice of knowing that the things that show up in my life to challenge me are just what i've been asking for. Only sometimes, i'm not so great at matching up the challenge to the actual prayer i've uttered on its behalf.

for example...

Prayer/intention/ internal plea when i'm feeling all heavenly and nonplussed...

"Please let me be conscious of my own issues, don't let them become burdens for other people to deal with, please let me recognize them and shift within to allow a space for growth, maturing and love..."

sounds good doesn't it, can't you just picture a prayer like that? even setting such a lovely intention feels all yummy and pure from the inside...and then what happens....

my take on the resulting 'opportunity to gain this strength i've phrased oh so eloquently'...

i park my car in the wrong place because i'm in a hurry to do someone else what feels like a gargantuan favor and they've already way overstepped what feels like appropriate levels of taking advantage...and my car gets towed, my tire goes flat, i end up in the biggest fight i've had in a year because of it...

Now when i was all at peace and ommmming the crap out of that loving intention, i never knew i was asking for such a shakedown to get over my little ways of not clearly stating my boundaries, not lovingly holding my own space and letting someone else take on the consequences for their own learning..., and hey, why would i ever consciously think to shoulder someone Else's "prayer" of learning? So i can lovingly give back what isn't mine to handle, learn or take on...but to feel good about it, i am learning that i must do it with awake eyes, not angry shrugs. When i can hand back a big packet of learning without getting my ego in the way...my heart opens with huge ease, my sense of tranquility and peace on earth become the mainstay rather than the occasional visitor and i am happy.

My shit may not be all worked out, but wow, it's way better mucking my own stables than somebody Else's. (sorry hope i didn't lose ya in the mixed metaphor journey, it's just that more than anything these pages are for my ego to catch up with what my soul has been shouting for eons--sometimes you just gotta work this shit out on paper!) So at last, here i am with some eyes wide open, seeing how life is answering these kind of prayers left and right, how i can get really clear with my own prayers and intention and lessons become so much more welcome and gentle, and how with that awake learning, my discontent is all kindsa wintered out!!!

and my heart is open to the Spring!

which came first...jazz music or feelin' jazzy?

2011-11-05T13:48:00.002-06:00

i'm just wondering who invented the word jazz? was it a bunch of musicians who were just scattin' along and thought it sounded just like it sounded...an onomatopoeia for the muzic, so they called it jazz? or did the word exist as a feeling and the music couldn't help but add it's much more than two cent's worth?
it's just that i'm sitting in this completely wonderful, totally packed and kinda grungy coffee house on a saturday afternoon and a wonderful jazz combo of old folks is just going to town. the room is bubbling up with all kinds of wonderful conversations, people meeting eachother, many sitting alone with their computers and the craziest melange of chairs, hard and soft, old and new. seriously, there are at 40-50 people encroaching all over their personal bubbles of space because this music is going and snow is fresh outside, winter is upon us and we want to snuggle indoors.

i ask you starbucks, barnes & noble, corporations far and wide...do you truly want to cut off the spontaneous human element that much? take away the soft chairs so people can't linger and connect? thoroughly regulate just how much time equals your one cup of coffee's worth sitting in our indoors space? or how about this...provide a product, space to gather, creative offering that draws people in because it is inviting, encouraging and engaging? those people come, not because there is a reverse psychology appeal between supply and demand...we might not have enough space for you to stay long, but you can at least try to hang out for a minute; but because the space to be open, connecting and organically taking root and growing always has room for you. it is from this space that true abundance and success begins!

perhaps this is why jazz is the perfect american music...it allows the space for collaboration, room to grow, connect, jump in or fall out according to harmony and dischordance? so enough with those corporporations that limit me in this way, that's just plain anti american!!! and totally un Jazzy!!!!

This is a prayer for the open hearted...

2011-10-05T10:22:00.001-06:00

This prayer goes out in images, no words attached. just an open heart and spirit, praying for the essence of the image. The other day i sat down to blog and all i could add was the above pictures; not for some mechanical or formatting reason, but because it was all i had to say. i didn't even know what it meant.

So i've taken a few days to sit with and realize
there is often no reason to put words to expression,
no call for reason from form.
Sometimes simple expression is the meaning
and words just detract from what is being born.

what a stretch for the expresser in me, my medium is words;
how they sound together, or when juxtaposed against another.
the picture drawn from word's expression invites the mind,
the memory to launch the journey from which they're tethered.
and so the leap, with no words to support,
trusting that image will strengthen the cord.
when close in falling, almost touching the ground,
the vision that lifts us is what turns it around.

Let me say it a second time...are the voices inside worth getting out?

2011-09-22T10:14:00.000-06:00

People you should see the pages of writing i have that aren't ever going to make it to this blog. i sit down to write, pour some shit out...and it all feels too raw and personal to share here. i'm not sure how that feels to you. how vulnerable does just one seeker need to get in public? but that's the whole idea right? or else why would i be writing this silly old blog anyway...so here goes my new attempt to share a bit o' the lama with y'all today:)

Let's get real,


the two minds of the lama...she who talks the loudest?

i've had a lot of people share with me that i speak and write very eloquently...in fact, some have gone so far as to say it's intimidating. believe me folks, i don't share what i write or those 'compliments' in an attempt to garner support for the silky stylings of the lama fan club. mostly i just pour stuff out, but what i am realizing is that the process of writing for me is one of synthesis...it isn't just stream of consciousness, but more assimilation. a way for my brain to get up to speed with what has been on runaway for however long and is begging for a look to be taken at it.

Here's the conflict,
how do i take a look with my heart instead of just making the space for my brain to get involved? i do this review thing, this synthesis or assimilation, and i think it's part of an elaborate ruse for my ego to settle back into the fiction that it's in charge. if my brain gets to wrap itself around all the thoughts and emotions that i am experiencing, then it gets to harness and dictate what choices/actions i will make next. so there's the rub...i'm on this hugantic quest to get the fuck out of my ego brain and writing seems to put me right back there. (see if i use the f word here, you can tell i'm really fed up with this bit and while you might be offended you also might get on board and relate with how high my emotional frustration is...good girl ego felt the need to explain that one, brainy ego felt the need to qualify for good girl so she doesn't seem stupid...well fuck, anyone else want to chime in?)

so what's the goal...well according to my laughing yogini, there is no goal, there is only now...so that's what i got for today.

serendipity

2011-07-03T17:15:00.000-06:00

have i used that one before?
or more aptly asked, has it used me? the moments in between the arrivals and departures--the tiny bits that happen when waiting for the other shoe to drop-- have quite a way of showing up to teach me such big stuff...i find these synchronistic moments so deeply meaningful that i sometimes end up drinking too much from that cup and not simply tasting what is right in front of me.

This week i departed my full-time "employment" of fundraising and service/learning expedition work to "employ" myself a little closer to home. i've spent the past three years working for a cause based primarily in Brazil, and while it was so clearly the perfect place for me to be doing my thing during that time, it is so clearly now not! The clarity i am now seeking is a little more understanding on what my "thing" is and how i do it exactly. i talk a good game with great profundity, but can i match that in my walk?

i like the question, i guess i am willing to embrace being in that question for the time being..to notice my own willingness to show up in each moment, knowing that each one is some form of an answer to prayer. am i clever enough to recognize that answer, see how i have called in the moment to teach or gift me with deeper clarity on my own path.

These are the moments of serendipity, the answers to prayer, the funny little ways that life has of working itself out, and if i can remain open to delving into those moments, sharing with vulnerability my own experience from that place...i just might stand a chance of entering full-time into the real occupation of life...now that is worth the gamble isn't it?

life has a way of seeping in at the edges eh?

I'm a Magic Pixie/Storyteller, What are you?

2011-03-03T17:06:00.000-07:00

This winter has truly been a space of ebb and moving in fallow land to discover what might be growing just under the surface. For me this has been a therapeutic time of stillness, deep soil regeneration and wondering. i am in wonderment at how life continually blesses me with challenges and awakenings that coax my timid footsteps into clearer paths. i wanted to share just a bit of that learning, reaching out in connection and a willingness to be seen.

i meet with a group every couple of weeks that does some deep work/play on fundamental energy concepts of spirit and intuition. recently our guide asked in general "what are your intuitive gifts?" it's sometimes hard to just come right out and say it isn't it? or maybe that's just me. and sometimes i don't even have a clue what my gifts are. in that moment i wasn't interested in hiding my gifts, but claiming them--so i joined in by saying "i'm a storyteller". she said, "great, will you present to us next week?" i'm sure you can imagine my own shock and no meagre dismay at having to move from saying a single word about myself into actually turning on this so-called gift in front of a group that i consider to be quite gifted. What was i thinking, why did i raise my hand, how could i have dared?

the next week class was canceled, i had a reprieve i thought. but as time stretched out, my little ole brain got in the middle of things and started to second guess me all over the place. Several times i had to consciously switch off that chatter to allow the deeper knowing in me a place to work. and work it did...right alongside the brain that spent a long sick-day in bed, several tearjerking sessions evaluating my own worth and one or two silly, crazy arguments with those i love. i never even spotted one of the causes for all this turmoil was the shifting. all through the winter, so many things germinating inside that were just dying (or in this case LIVING) to get out.

when the evening came i was ready, that means i had calmed my tired mind and emptied it of expectation. (i did spend some funny moments making sure my house was clean, the good smelling candles were lit and i had a huge stack of possible props at hand--ahhh the busywork) when called upon i spent a few minutes in my own "small story"; sharing what felt like vulnerable details of my own earth experience and a desire to connect even in that place. But then i shifted in the "grand and mythic tale"--this always seems a suit much more fulfilling to wear. without having a plan, just the intention to invite story in, in the best way it would serve the moment, i opened my storybook and went. someone volunteered to have their story told, drew from a tray of archetypal objects (or just fun sand tray items really collected on my own journey through story) and off we went; weaving a story together that began in his own tiniest of places and ended in the biggest vision he could see of himself. (his words, not mine)

and then there was silence, how did that happen, what did i say, was that really real or am i just dreaming? the roaring silence filled my ears with the joy of filling space with a shared spirit--as i shared my own gifts, spirit raced in to fill me up, expand my vision and guide my tale; and those loving wonderful spirits in the room met me there, so willing and joyful to witness the journey.

I share this story as an invitation, when we share our vulnerable hearts with the courage to be seen, there is a gift created in that moment; a gift of the mythic character we each are being named and seen and celebrated. this is no small gift and it encourages the re-gifting by it's very nature. i thank you for so gently witnessing my own story and always offer that gift in return.

I saw this lovely little talk on TED recently that actually prompted me to write this up and share with more than my own small group that evening--i offer it as a tasty morsel of delightful insight and learning into our own magic pixie places:) Magic Pixie/Storyteller...a little TED piece about that gift

and ebb...

2011-02-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

A major obstacle to creativity is wanting to be in the peak season of growth and generation at all times . . . but if we see the soul’s journey as cyclical, like the seasons. . . then we can accept the reality that periods of despair or fallowness are like winter – a resting time that offers us a period of creative hibernation, purification, and regeneration that prepare us for the births of spring.
-Linda Leonard, from Call to Create : Celebrating Acts of Imagination

6 Degrees of Indra's Net

2010-10-24T13:56:00.000-06:00

Sometimes i think if i were a composer and notes were words it might be easier to sit at the piano to write my thoughts; I would just be the music inside pouring onto the page. With that in mind' i sing this little tune...

It's been hard to write this month; the music is a little dissonant and i feel sort of in the "thick of the trees", but it's in the writing that the song streams again and i get a better view of the "forest". Life never ceases to amaze me with how intricately its purposes weave through all our many connections. How the 6 degrees of separation between one person i know and another are not just accidental degrees and when Indra's net of connectivity reveals how much we each are a part of the ONE. the line in the pattern of the weave that connects me from one to another always tempts me to pick through the intricate design;

how the melody flows from one person to another; one experience to the next; always building on those chords and making the refrain that much more sweet?

This week I went to an earthshaking, heart-beating, drumming, healing night of greatness. The drummer who began our beat, Toby Christensen (introduced to me by a friend from home), told the group of his own learning in a time spent travelling and exploring his gift with a woman from the West African Dagara tribe. The further he got into his story, rhythms and beats i realized he was speaking of one of my dearest teachers in 9 Gates Mystery School.

Sobonfu Some

As Toby began our night of drumming, i set my intention for a rhythmic prayer of healing and with this layer of meaning and relationship i joined in the soul-clarifying work of the drum for myself and so many in my circle-- lessons i recognized from my own study with Sobonfu.

This night of drumming stands out as a pivotal moment between the struggle for understanding i have felt in the past few weeks and the guidance this struggle gives as i prepare to return for another journey in my mystery school training.

in preparation for this journey, I've been clearing through the pressing work on my desk. this week marked the beginning of our year end campaign for donations, and i began a series of personal calls with major donors. my deepest desire in these connections is to create a bridge between the heartgiving, passion building spaces of my donors to the needs and deep openings of my programs and their participants--a way to invite their own hearts' song by connecting through spirit and giving. even as i write this part i start to laugh because the day i sat down to make these calls i lost my voice. along with a strong cold that i have this week, came pretty intense laryngitis and i wasn't able to make a single call. So i started writing e-mails, opening deeply to spirit and the words i felt guided to write to these donors. really simple e-mails, but at the end of a few days of this process i realized what a strong gift the power this listening provides. when in full voice, i typically find myself ready with some seemingly brilliant thought to share or guidance to offer...and through this week learned, on a much more present and demanding note, the power of listening intently with my heart and getting out of the thinking space of my brain.(a brain/ego set upon producing a clever bit of info or string of words)

Now as i sense the beat calling in the "tribe" of 9 gates--those souls who still unknown to eachother are already members of a deeply heart-bound tribe--i feel so blessed for the very real lesson of listening. Returning with the intention of service i am so grateful to learn yet again how to get out of the way of old physical patterns which demand attention for the conversational brilliance of an egoic chatterbox, and opening to a deeper space of listening; opening to the opportunity of being of service, answering a request of need, recognizing the wisdom of spirit as it calls for what it needs and i make myself available to answer that call--truly both for myself and others.

Ah the space here of a sounding board, where words truly do become a rythmic song and all the coincidental and synchronistic moments of learning reveal their melodic weave.

Gifts of the Desert

2010-10-03T12:48:00.009-06:00

I feel quite certain Edward Abbey said something moving and brilliant about the gifts the desert freely gives; perhaps something like

how the sun and carrion scour our bones exposing a story our ivory is there to tell,

or maybe

the lavender hued shadows at dusk tempt us to look with the vision of owl, bat or mischievous coyote into the mystery where no sun's light casts our story into obvious relief.

I invite you to seek out your favorite quote about these gifts(or write your own) and insert it here in your thoughts...(feel free to share if you are so inclined) for only you know exactly what mood and gift this moment asks to share with you.

this morning as i cleaned through a stack of papers in my room that clamor from somewhere deep within their pile "herein lies all the wisdom, all the answers, don't cast us away", but i'm never quite sure what to do with--i found the following birthday gift emerging to be heard and read and held, and it felt the perfect way to honor the turning of the season from birthday to autumn, from introspection to pruning and preparing for hibernation whence seeds germinated begin their coiling stretch in DNA code long since buried that ignites us all--and so i share it with you in joyful celebration of its expression.

from tessa at my birthday

Desert sun, radiant watch

the eye amidst the grass.

Stretching forth, the gnarled branch.

It holds the last rich seed.

An ancient crane, its song a sacred melody to the woman's bone.

The shadow of the red cliffs cradles,

ever holding, ever strength.

And high above,

sent from the wind,

a silhouette that calls you round.

A message from yourself.

You've seen its face and feel the stone.

The Place.

--in reaction,
a heart filled with tearful blessedness,
hearing the crane's cry, seeing the woman's bone
cradled deeply in red cliff's shadow
a message from self--this shadow stalks me,
warrior, shaman, sage
silhouette ever with me, silently willing and waiting to be heard
i am blessed and grateful indeed.

Co-creators all!

2010-09-26T16:30:00.002-06:00

'WTF'..she asks herself when waking with the craziest migraine that ever snuck up on a sleepy sunday morning!

moments of wondering what the hell my spirit is up to--i think every now and then it steps up to test the things i say to see if i really mean what i am asking for...as in

"Allow myself to introduce myself"

1. loving the hiking thing and having the most recurring hamstring tightness ever

2. experiencing an incredible new lightness of being and hitting the top of the scales

3. embracing the challenge and thrill of offering spiritual guidance and releasing my own attachment to having any clue how to guide myownself

4. opening my heart to deeper loving and feeling dark moments of pure alone

5. reveling in the self-discovery that writing brings and complete stream of consciousness writer's block

(i think there are many, many more of these i could identify, but it feels like empowering the grip of the self in me that laughably believes it is in charge of figuring things out)

so here it is for today, life isn't what i make of it...i sum it up into all these neat little boxes all the time, simple ways my brain can analyze and synthesize just what is happening in my world. but if my world were up to the very finite reaches of my own brain, my life would be limited indeed. so the true beauty here of all the hard stops and face-plants is learning to trust the amazing co-creator i am with the universe and know that as i call a way of being into my world, the very things to help me get that are what shows up.

here is the gift of this moment of awareness

there is an eye(I) within that does not require visual confirmation, it yields and flows as harmonics emerge. there is no struggle for clarity and making sense--these are true functions of a limited vision; rather there is a Self that resonates in the equilibrium of the Soul awakening to its own return.
It is within the I(eye) of this hurricane that the deepest stillness resides.

Birthmonth

2010-09-19T15:06:00.000-06:00

I'm a virgo baby and it's my birthday this month. many years ago i adopted the practice of advertising my birthday to be exactly sure that friends and family had enough advance notice to celebrate me according to the many hints and requests i had given them. This advance notice has truly evolved for me and it feels like it has become more of a huge set of bookends set around the month of September in which i insert as many intentional celebrations, introspections, retreats and dancefests/singalongs necessary to assure that , from the inside, i am able to celebrate my own life, know what it is that i even care about celebrating. But this month has been a little different than past birthdays, and i am reflecting in what feels like a very different way this year.

Having just spent the month of August out of the country, out of my day-to-day life, focusing on spiritual practice and intentional open-hearted interaction, i have found myself feeling a little nonplussed this month because it feels like much of the birthday work i would normally do for the year was really taken care of last month. And what i find myself in the middle of now is truly new territory that i both love and fear at the same time. i find that i have enough awareness and caring for myself that i treasure the learning from my recent travels and hardships and embrace their value in my current days. i.e. after 30 days of being the most open-hearted, least reactionary and willing to take nothing personal person i have ever been while living abroad, i find that i am truly challenged with the notion of bringing this home and incorporating it into my daily world. i also find that with the open heart came this willingness to risk in a way that hasn't been around for a long time...or at least that is what came home with me and started out the month. Now i feel just a wee bit fearful because i notice old habits and protections slipping back in that i am no longer fond of.

So i am set with a Birthday Challenge of holding truer, examining more deeply, embracing more authentically this person of becoming and i'm afraid. i don't know how to be a new me, i certainly don't know how to stay the old me and survive the inner fury. But even more than surviving such a fury, i truly choose to step into this void, leap with abandon. i find instead that i step with caution, tight hamstrings, puffy ankles and toes in need of a pedicure--and yet step i do--thanks to the many who have contributed to my general discomfort that i choose gratefully the risky leap rather than sticking with what i already know.

Pump up the Jam

2010-08-29T15:42:00.000-06:00

SENSE since when does greater awareness bring shortness of breath? am i foolishly under the illusion that i have any sort of awareness about anything? sometimes ebb and flow is full of a helluva lot of ebb. integration can mean that the new way really wants to upset my apple cart...and then here i sit with a bunch of bruised apples by the side of the road.

SENSIBILITY note to self -- even when i am on some level aware that my shadow is shifting, a new light is casting its gaze on me, and my ego is learning to relinquish its range of control over so many aspects of my life--simple does not mean easy. right here is where i must remember to BREATHE. (oh yah, that god CPR thing might be kickin' in right about now) so don't mind the omnipotent beating on your chest when it feels like your heart might break right open...how else to 'improve the rhythm' than to inject a little baseline.

holy hot damn batman

2010-08-24T21:28:00.000-06:00

and with the blink of an eye, what seemed so real, something to worry over, that brought great stress and anxiety is complete. with the support of many unseen angels and the loving kindness of so many old and new friends what held all the mystic writing of a true nervous breakdown has been a gift of extremes...learning, hardship, stretching, friendship and eye-openers. as i sit late at night under the full brazilian moon, with what appear to be 2 of the world's puffiest ankles attached to my legs--i recognize the mixed blessings of so many things. my heart is full in awesome wonder at how the world yet again, shows up to be my safety net. nice catch batman! y grace a deus:)

Serendipities

2010-08-14T22:32:00.000-06:00

my neck does not quite have strong enough muscles to keep my head on straight from all the flip-flopping my little spirit has been doing this week. thank heavens, literally, for the jumping in on so many moments of bits of blessing that intercede on my behalf. as i progress in learning i get more and more convinced that i have built a pretty crazy ego in this lifetime. there are all sorts of hoops i have set up over the years that i ask myself to jump through just to feel like everything is ok in my world.
where did these crazy notions come from?
now i find that it is only through tighter constraints with even bigger expanses available on the other side that i begin to clearly recognize how joyful it is to let go of ego altogether. when that deathgrip of control finally gets so exhausted, worn out through all its incredibly silly machinations of apparent perfection, the moments of grace do this little snoopy dance of glee and start to slip in at the edges. i am always loving how joyful synchronicities show up in my life and welcome the signs that they are winding their way toward my prayerful pleas.

Just such a synchronicity showed up in the form of a long-haired, soft-spoken, deep-thinking friend that appeared to be my co-leader this week. when it seemed i would be working on my current group solo and my neck started doing these funny spams of stress-related grips, an unlikely candidate was suggested to me and after a mad dash for a brazilian visa and several marathon phone conversations, here we are together leading this group as an ensemble. and wow, my eyes are opened at how the learning comes.

"with arms outstretched still..."

turns out this last minute replacement leads ropes courses for inner city youth building life-skills and self-esteem, and with every question he asks, frisbee he tosses, and rope he ties to a tree i wonder at the power of the web to pull such a teacher into my path. not that he is aware of this at all, or maybe he is...? (how does the saying go..."when the student is ready, the teacher appears") in his own projects he leads group chats, what i call "Noticings" he calls "Serendipities" and they do abound. for this i am grateful. As the Angels Have been Called, the drums are beating right along with our hearts and hippie-like co-leaders appear as an answer to prayer. i suddenly notice the clear, serendipitous gift i have been given and with arms and heart open wide, i reach out to receive this gift with all the magnanimous show of support, love and answer to prayer in which it was given.

Drinking from the Fire Hose

2010-08-07T22:38:00.000-06:00

it's just 24 hours before 25 young men and women arrive for their 2 week excursion, i've been at our site for 2 days and what seems like 3 lifetimes since i got off my plane. i keep having this vision of some kind of reality show where some guy named joe appears atop a high perch and announces loudly--
turn on the hydraulic, max-suspension, state-of-the art, smoke 'em if you got 'em FIRE HOSE.
Whoa nelly, and i think somewhere deep down inside...did i shave my legs for this????
Before y'all get too nervous or worried for my actual sanity or anything like that...let me start (well start now) by saying, i think i'm all right...in the words of the Monty Python Players..."i'm not dead yet". i have to say in the past 2 days and 3 lifetimes i have thought many many times that if this were a year ago i might not be able to handle all this shit!!! and now, today--it really doesn't even smell like shit. wow, life has handed me a completely new service project, a coordinator who missed his flight and won't be here early to prepare, several in-country employees who suddenly don't work here anymore and a lot of possible drama about the how's and why's of that, two women who are my absolute heart connections that i will be eternally grateful for becoming their friends who can't welcome me into their home because of possible family trouble....these are just the highlights...and with every new rock that gets overturned i do this sort of ...am i drowning yet test, when i realize i can still breath, i take a deep one and keep paddling.

funny thing here--i've got muscles i never knew i had...muscles of expansion and contraction, of living in some serious ebb and then finally stretching for the flow that are now flexing their apparent JIEnormous selves. or it may be what they say about an adreniline rush...when stress hits in the biggest of way, our hormones kick in to help us cope.

so here's the gratitude...i don't feel stressed. hmmm, lemme check, no, not yet anyway (and i don't want to jinx myself because i've got some big weeks ahead of me) this brand new muscle i've discovered, i'll call it the River Breather, nestled right between the lungs --adjacent to the diaphragm, this one has been building for nigh on many months now. the gratitude comes from the recognition of the tiny and persistent moments when holding the breath teaches the River Breather to build a bigger capacity, when screaming at the top of my lungs teaches the River Breather how to call in all angels and guides possible for assistance, how praying with all of my heart teaches the River Breather that there is absolutely nothing it can do--powerless to aid me at all, it stops breathing altogether to allow the true higher power of all i surrender my ego and will to , to step in and administer CPR ....

ahh there it is, now i see it...i thought this was a fire hose and it is godly CPR...it's all in the perspective isn't it...and last month i was the one PRAYING RAIN wasn't i? silly wabbit!!!

chime in folks...how's the month for you? is the fecund, fertile and final month of summer summing itself up with any learning for you?

And through it all, a river runs...

2010-08-02T17:48:00.000-06:00

Next week i lead a group of 25 kids and young adults on a service mission to Brazil...along with all the powerful lessons of service, loving humanity and opening our hearts to so many who are so different from us...i imagine the opening of a perfect space for self-examination and growth has never been more serendipitously crafted. While we all indulge our own sense of adventure through service and believe that we are really going to be there to help others, i am constantly recognizing the revealing truth--that the very biggest gifts of learning and growth will be internal, personal and life-changing--for myself included. As i frantically buzz around completing last minute schedules and work plans, making sure i have put all motions into action that these kids can learn from, i have to laugh and recognize that the exponentially more astute and powerful godly practice of the universe has already called in all the characters, done so much homework and has the greatest possible solution already dialed in--not in a predestination sorta way, but in a do you understand the energetic web i'm weaving sorta way.

In our pre-planning conference calls with the group i often talk about the spirit of the "River", how we can plan and perfect whatever our tiny brains think they have some level of control over, but when we step off the literal and figurative plane of our previous journey, we step into the river--where the flow of spirit embraces, uses, bashes against the rocks and rolls up on the shore right where we are praying to be, whether we see it that way or not. This thrumming sense is that of the subconscious and the Almighty joining a course of energetic flow as they follow the current of our own design.

As i set out on this fool's journey, I thank you in advance for the echos you share here--your own reflections on the current, i love how that resonance fills my heart with being seen. It seems that the world is in full tilt, and we are all in need of sharing our take on the spin. in my own vertigo spinning, left of center experience i am warmed by hearing the human side of all of your lives.

"when I am alone in the half-light...existence seems to fade to a being with my soul... Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through ."

August: an INNER course of action

2010-07-29T10:28:00.000-06:00

The warmth of the sun, the composting time for the earth, planting deep roots and ridding ourselves of weeds that spring up unbidden...time to allow thoughts and patterns that no longer serve to be turned under, let the filter of Mother Earth and Sister Moon offer the gift of mulching, ebb and flow, seasonal shift.

Time for a personal inner search this month. I will be in Brazil for the month of August--what better place to observe and swim deep in the RIVER and invite a shift in current. This is a challenge, an urge from within, to meet my soul in the deep underworld of its growth and emerge into the sun with the piece of spirit that is calling to be heard.

Time to PRAY RAIN people

2010-07-05T23:31:00.003-06:00

"and there it is...just like that...superpower of the day--the power to pray--check in with spirit, sense what my own heart is calling for and resonate in that zone for a few minutes. it can't show up unless it knows i want it right? so unless i spend some energy calling it in, sensing what it feels like, how i feel doing it--even when i don't know what "it" is right now" as i stated A few weeks ago.

Well let me say how much it seems i learn this one over and over; be really clear about the things i say or way i resonate my sense of being in prayer because, boy oh boy does it come on through when i ask for it. And i have been "askin for it" for weeks now. Stuff has been showing up left and right, begging the questions...is this what you wanted, how about this, ok how about this now, and this one, let's try this bit on for size. the universe hasn't been kidding around bringing me so many "answers to prayer" for me to try on that i haven't felt settled for ages. But this other message--not the frenetic, chaotic one that tests me lately--but a glimpse into the space of connection, creating a unity and wholeness of spirit has appeared in my inbox (LITERALLY) and i want to share this bit here as well...

       "The deeply shifting intention on the planet Earth is creating an atmosphere of "perceived" chaos – Yes, the financial structures are failing, however, is that really what you are trying to protect here? Structures that have been set into place over time under misguided intention of "more is better". The Earth's core is shifting, creating quaking which results in volcanoes, earthquakes, unusual weather patterns and interactions, however it is like She is waking up after a sleep of nightmarish proportion. The greed of humanity, letting love and pure intention fall behind in value, has created the need to stretch and shake off the copasetic, passive pose of "whatever".
         The analogy – actually not analogy – the Truth of being transmitters is key. Plant your feet firmly on the ground and with intention – arms raised or not – transmit the Earth's needs into the air. Let her release through you as a loving conduit. In the same way, you will be transmitting to her the Universe's reply to her pleas. This two-way "radio" communication being conducted by living, breathing, loving energy is healing for both the distressed sender and the return broadcast from abroad – and we mean abroad in a very, very, expansive way Dear One.
         This role cannot be underestimated. There need be no interpretation of the message either way – there is no "code" to break. Pure intention, child-like joy-filled peace and harmony resonation is the most effective non-filter for this work. Out of mind and through the sacred heart. This is "our" task at hand now."

And so i take my stand--deeply connecting to the filtering, cleansing, magnifying power of mother earth;(this is more than just a "be the ball" visualization, it is the pure practice of actually feeling the sweet flow of the river of manifesting as it becomes what i am in the now--much like the naugal wise man who didn't pray FOR rain, he just prayed rain, sensing, gushing feeling being rain, until it actually did.)

Transmitting my own prayer with a consciousness i haven't been this keenly aware of until now. Gotta love it when a message in your inbox states it that easily right? can't ask for a more clear delivery of intent than that!:)

The Warrior's Lament or With Arms Outstretched Wide

2010-07-01T17:05:00.009-06:00

A few years ago I participated in a 7 day personal vision quest with a group of about 10 people. Three full days and nights of the quest were solo and fasting in the wilderness.The pre and post days were spent in preparation and follow-up with the group in the wilderness as well. I experienced some major personal revelations/visitations during that solo time on the mountain, and my learning and own awareness continues to unfold as time keeps on slipping into the future from those mountaintop moments. A few months back I met with my good friend and facilitator of the visionquest journey--who was interviewing me for his dissertation—a piece on the vision quest experience. I was really curious to hear his observations and asked if i could read it when he was done--so i just got it and read it and here is what came of that...

It’s so funny how shocked I always am by an outsider’s perspective on my own inner journey. I have had several moments sitting on the therapist's couch when I have learned some really surprising bits about myself

and have felt none too settled as I digested the curious information.

This is how I felt as I read his paper—shocked, surprised, even troubled by the summation he had come to on my personal learning from the journey. Is this really what came across as the most important piece of information I had shared? Could he have possibly been not really listening to what I had to say? Is it possible that he came into the interview with so many preconceived notions that he only heard what he wanted to? Well all of this is possible and actually even probable—I’m of the opinion we typically only hear what we want, and only as it relates to us most of the time. However with all those disclaimers being made, I also came to another conclusion that was quite surprising to me...

I had learned something much bigger, more powerful and poignant than any of the conclusions he came to about what I shared, but he could only base his observations on what I told him; He wasn’t up there on the mountain with me; He didn’t stand on the edge of that cliff with me, chest bared, long hair whipping in the wind as I wailed out my own personal lament, crying to the ancestors that surrounded me to ‘come running’ as if from Rumi’s stretcher of angels;

How could he have known any of these things...

because I didn’t tell him?

Not only didn’t I tell him, I considered the knowledge, the personal revelation, the intimate experience to be in fact so intimate that I could only reveal it in the verymost intense and
deeply in touch of moments that few on this plane would ever know it.

So why when I read his observations was I so offended that he hadn’t read it in my essence
as if from the ethers? Oh the personal indignation, nostrils flaring, quippy dismissal—I moved effortlessly into fullblown denunciation without much provocation(all with at least a small maintained sense of humor about the whole thing) that I had to let go even that fact that I had read his paper at all for a period of time. As I caught my breath, let a few weeks pass, reread the paper a few times—most importantly reviewed, expressed, defined and embraced the big lessons that sit so profoundly on my heart from this experience, I realized that I had fully protected, guarded and strong-armed any intrusion into that space, even from the most well-meaning of inquiries.

And here it is… How else is it possible that others come to know those places in me, other than if I choose to share them? I am the keyholder and gatekeeper—wow, I get all the power. But what’s that guardianship worth if there isn’t anyone to share it with? Realizing all this, I look at some of his observations and the pendulum swings back…maybe he wasn’t entirely off the mark, maybe he was able to come to some conclusions about what I had told him that really did have something to do with what was going on for me…and then a little more breath, allowing, okayness sneaks in. and so we are both right…there is more to share and more to learn…and just like that,

now the way is made open.

A little night Music, Poetry Monday and Summer Solstice

2010-06-22T01:16:00.000-06:00

My mind seems to be a little bit full of the draw of this shortest night of the year and resists the slumber that has typically long since cajoled a dreamscape from my eyes. Rather tonight it seems i am called to share a bit of my own poetry found on father's day while cleaning out all sorts of nooks and crannies from my own desk. i came across these few verses scribbled hastily, in terrible handwriting and with no care for perfect meter or rhyme. they were simply childhood moments, places romantically recalled from a girl's thoughts holding some magical draw for moments lost to all but memory.

and so on this all too magical midsummer's eve i cast my own magic into the cauldron, recalling the potent draw of childhood imagination and dream making, a treasure hunt of place and time out of time!!!

Tin Roof

Springtime's ripeness doesn't last long

One false step could do you wrong

a slippery shaky place to trod

for one who passes here unshod

Don't get no jam between your toes

a respite here will stain your soles.

(as children we would climb on top of the horse shed, just to the base of the mulberry tree and spend delighted hours coaxing ripened purple berries to fall into our fingers, staining palms and lips and toes with their succulent juices--i wore these stains as a badge of honor rejoicing in the arrival of summertime)

Diving Board

Our childrens' game consisted oft

of flying high, propelled aloft

down pirate's path to murky brine

which now is stiff with broken spine.

(on long hot summer days, we children would spend hours in the swimming pool coming up with elaborate games to pass the time. rarely did we leave the pool without some imagined game of walking the plank down the diving board whose spring is all but lost and board very near broken)

Treasure Chest

If pirates had been ladies gay

it is certain that with ribbons they would have liked to play

and bows and dresses and shoes and dolls

to masquerade at madmen's balls

(when summer storms threatened our fun, at least the sisters came indoors to continue our games, dress-ups were pulled from the best of piratey-looking treasure chests, where we spun yarns fit for children's tales and grand conjuring indeed)

‘IS IT TRUE’ | soul biographies

2010-06-07T10:32:00.006-06:00

there are just perfect moments sometimes when i get to remember that i can throw out the crap my ego tells me if i choose to live it differently. this is a tiny video by Byron Katie encouraging anyone, including me, to do just that.

‘IS IT TRUE’ | soul biographies