This Barren Country

We hear you, buddy

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 22:03:00 +0000

Sergey Brin, cofounder of the Google:

Speaking at the TED Conference today in Long Beach, Calif., Brin told the audience that smartphones are "emasculating." "You're standing around and just rubbing this featureless piece of glass," he said.

From CNET via TPM.

Above: Where we're blogging from

Creating Tomorrow's Lackeys Today

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 02:30:00 +0000

Seen on a t-shirt at a recent youth sports competition: "If at first you don't succeed...Try doing what your COACH told you the first time."

All caps in the original, wouldn't you know.

Lagomorph menace

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Sun, 17 Feb 2013 19:19:00 +0000

Securing our borders includes protecting our international airport parking lots from all threats, external and internal.

"[T]he perpetrators are easily identified by the fur and pellets left behind."

Good writing, good examples

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Sun, 17 Feb 2013 19:11:00 +0000

James Wagner, President of Emory University.
The topic: Compromise and that more perfect union.
The example: The 3/5 Compromise.
The result: "No, wait, let me explain!"

Via.

First the pontifex, now the suplex

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 15:49:00 +0000

I don't know what this world is coming to. The IOC has dropped wrestling from its list of 25 core sports for 2020, and now wrestling will have to get in line with other supplicants—behind wakeboarding but in front of wushu—if it wants to reclaim its place.

Maybe the international wrestlings powers that be should just go all in with the beach variety.

To spend more time with his family

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 17:34:00 +0000

Or something.

"I'll see you all on Twitter!"

Ballon d'Or, Smoking d'Orbe

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 00:44:00 +0000

Tough luck, Cristiano Ronaldo. Next time pick a better suit.

It's twelves all the way up and twelves all the way down

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 18:12:00 +0000

Twelve minutes after twelve o'clock on the twelfth day of the twelfth month of the twelfth year.

I guess this would be the appropriate time to say something disparaging about your mother.

Am I seeing and counting right?

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 03:50:00 +0000

Are there four machines in that back room?

Also noted: countertops not granite.

Important Announcements

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 17:04:00 +0000

Spongebob's gay, Bolt's a bagger.

All for the moment.

Who needs the Rule of Law when you Believe in America?

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 02:06:00 +0000

The fourth-division* soccer club F.C. New York plans to include a political slogan on its jersey for the rest of the season. This comes thanks to the generous support of a fan of Mitt and soccer. Goal blog says:

[A]n anonymous donor had paid F.C. New York, a minor league club that plays its games on Long Island outside New York City, to place Romney’s name and campaign slogan, Believe in America, on the front of the team’s jerseys.

According to a news release from the club, the donor said, “I love fútbol, I love America, I am a proud Latino-American who believes Mitt Romney needs to be our next president.”

Soccer in the United States is subject to the rules and decisions of an international body with a French name. Let us all take a moment to love fútbol, America, and Law 4, which covers players' equipment:

Decisions of the IFAB
Decision 1

Players must not reveal undergarments showing slogans or advertising. The basic compulsory equipment must not have any political, religious or personal statements.

A player removing his jersey or shirt to reveal slogans or advertising will be sanctioned by the competition organizer. The team of a player whose basic compulsory equipment has political, religious or personal slogans or statements will be sanctioned by the competition organizer or by FIFA.

Believe in FIFA, America!

Update (11:44 AM, 7/3/12): A most professional host.

*That's right, fourth division.

Sign my petition!

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 20:54:00 +0000

To make this an Olympic sport. It's right in so, so many ways.

Cluelessness in Advertising

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 02:57:00 +0000

Soy Mitt Romney, and I have no idea non-Cuban Latinos live in Florida and vote.

Aren't we all?

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 03:02:00 +0000

"When Mitt Romney Came to Town":

Its slightly less shy producer is Barry Bennett, a supporter of Texas Governor Rick Perry, who says he is only trying to help: “I wanted people to see what the Democrats are going to do [to] this guy.”

Aren't we all just trying to help in our own special way?

Truth in Advertising

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 16:42:00 +0000

Man in Pontevedra, Galicia, Spain orders penis enlarger over the internet. Receives magnifying glass. Goes to the local police to file a complaint but then decides against it.

Maybe I should start paying closer attention to those messages that get plopped in the Spam folder without my being asked.

A Strange and Bitter Crop

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 05:12:00 +0000

In this case the southern trees are from way down south, way down in Central America.

Strange seeds and the strange fruits they yield: I watched the trailer for the Scary Movie about Romney the Raider, and this line caught my attention:

Romney took foreign seed money from Latin America.

The seed was foreign and from Latin America, which makes it doubly foreign, or doubly Latin American, or both.

In any event, Newt's surrogate's xenophobic appeal aside, I surmise the reference is to Salvadoran coffee exporter and ARENA bankroller Orlando de Sola, a scary dude indeed.

Morna Mourning

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 17:02:00 +0000

A very sad day here in the Land Without Bread: one of my favorites in all the wide world passed away yesterday. I got to see her in Atlanta in 2001 and I have her music, both of which make me happy.

Once upon a time, I made mischief of one kind and another

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:05:00 +0000

and I shall not now be deterred from claiming what is rightfully mine: coauthorship and substantial monetary compensation for my efforts. And no, this constitutes no setback to my cause as it happened in a Foreign Country and therefore does not count.

A tax on Christmas is a war on Texas

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 20:42:00 +0000

Noise Machine's latest noise: the national Christmas tree industry's program to promote itself is actually another Obama tax on something sacred. Desired effect achieved, at least partially.

Part of the process to review and set up this program included the collection of comments on it by interested parties. As noted by the National Christmas Tree Association (see first link), the vast majority of the comments submitted were positive. A few were negative, and the good folks at the Ag Department were kind enough to include summaries of these in its "Christmas Tree Promotion, Research and Information Order." One stands out, at least for me. First, collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince Barack (to be said in the voice of Friar Tuck).

One commenter raised concerns about a perceived unequal burden of taxation. The commenter suggested that the exemption provision could affect producers that produce 500 trees or less because this creates unequal taxation treatment of Christmas tree producers. However, the assessment provided for in this type of program is not a tax nor does it yield revenue for the Federal government. These producer and importers funds raised by producers and importers are for the benefit of producers and importers.

And then, from the same commenter, a nation under siege:

The commenter also stated that some Texas producers were not in favor of the proposed Order, that Texas is a sovereign State, and therefore Texas Christmas tree producers should not be included in the Order. The 1996 Act provides that programs under the Act would be applicable to agricultural commodities produced in the United States, which is defined as collectively the 50 States, the District of Columbia, the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico and the territories and possessions of the United States.

The dry refutal is amusing.

Trebuchet Trigger

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 22:36:00 +0000

This one, for the connoisseur.

HERMOSILLO, Mexico -- The Mexican army says soldiers have seized two catapults that were being used by drug smugglers to fling packages of marijuana across the border into Arizona.

Time to build a bigger fence.

Ill Timing

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 19:37:00 +0000

Oh, bummer. Now that I've vacated the swamp (willingly, unlike Shrek), look who's now coming: Foreigner Acoustique. Everyone should have a chance to see and hear them do "Hot Blooded" and "Dirty White Boy" acoustiquely. It could only be a Good Thing.

A little late now, but somebody in Libya could've used her plastic surgeon

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 14:53:00 +0000

Despite the best efforts of scolds* of various political persuasions, plastic surgery is popular in Venezuela, especially among members of the entertainment industry. Recently rumors circulated that Venezuelan singer and model Diosa Canales† made an emergency trip to Bogotá, Colombia, because one of her breast implants had supposedly exploded and needed to be replaced. Canales has denied this and said her original implants are fine, telling a Venezuelan journalist her breasts are so well made they're "NATO bombing-campaign proof."‡

Not a brick house but a bunker, I guess.

* Borrowed.
† Yes, for those of you translating at home, her name translated directly into English would be "Goddess Canals" or "Goddess Channels."
‡ In Spanish, "los suyos están hechos a prueba de bombardeos de la OTAN."

Going, going, gone soft

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 14:40:00 +0000

Troubling news out of St. Louis, Missouri, and a sign of how far we've fallen these last few years. A doctor from Maryville, Illinois grabbed David Freese's game-winnning home run ball last night and stuffed it down his pants. So far, so good. But then things went bad fast.

A quick negotiation ensued and Huyette agreed to trade the ball for a signed bat from Freese as well as a ball signed by the entire Cardinals team. Simple and fast.

"Maybe if I had been wanting for money, it'd be different," Huyette said. "But I make a good living. I wasn't going to hold the country hostage for the ball.

"I told them I didn't need any money, but it'd be nice to meet some of the players."

There is a direct line of causality between Obama's election, the passage of Obamacare, and this disquieting abandonment of free-market principles. (Do not question my geometry, for I know I am right.) He didn't want money? What happened to what the market will bear? He could have at least taken the ball and crossed over into Illinois with it. Freedom! That's what Huck and Jim were trying to do. Going Galt strengthens one's negotiating position, and what is negotiation if not a means to both hold the country hostage and extract more cash.

Disturbing, to say the least.

Underarm Panopticon

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 14:04:00 +0000

While the dirty hippies may have suffered a few setbacks recently, the corporate movement to Occupy Your Body advances steadily. The latest: all day, all night surveillance in your armpit, of your armpit. Imagine what they'll come up with next.

Beatle Tooth! Beatle Tooth! Beatle Tooth!

noreply@blogger.com (J—) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 16:24:00 +0000

Brother André's heart isn't the only relic found in Canada. Until recently, the tooth of one more popular than Jesus was there too.

Lennon gave the tooth to Dorothy "Dot" Jarlett when she worked as his housekeeper at his Kenwood home in Weybridge, Surrey, according to her son Barry. Jarlett, who was employed between 1964 and 1968, developed a warm relationship with Lennon, her son said.

"She was very close with John, and one day whilst chatting in the kitchen, John gave my mother the tooth (he had been to the dentist to have it removed that day) and suggested giving it to my sister as a souvenir, as she was a huge Beatles fan," he said. "It has been in the family ever since."

With the exception of the last two years, the tooth has been in Canada for 40 years after Dot Jarlett's daughter married a Canadian.

Now it's for sale, as is fit for things holy.