Phants Blog

Pherrari Phil pumps (up) his team-mates

Adam Kaminski — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 03:20:10 +0100

At a recent training session (closed to the media) the Ferrari sought to inspire his team-mates with a speech reminiscent of great articulated moments in history, like The Gettysburg Address, Ted Whitten before the Vics went out and smashed the Crow-Eaters, The Eureka Stockade and Mick McGuane's three-quarter time address to the Balwyn Tigers during the Eastern Football League's 1st division grand-final.

Imploring his team mates to be ready for their challenge against the Hanoi Swans he called on the memories of past champions Hassett, Sharples, Folei and Kemp. "When those 'Phants of old took the field, they went out there with everything they had. If they could walk back into the changerooms at the end of the game they knew that they hadn't put as much into that match as they should have. Each of our past champions has had to overcome adversity, but still they managed to take the 'Phants to the top. Sharples had dengue fever and lived in Luang Prabang: he never let this hold him back. Folei had even less physical presence on the footy field than he did on the basketball court: he never let this hold him back. Kempy emulated such Richmond greats as Justin Charles and David Burke: he never let this hold him back. Hassett was as likeable as a Cane Toad in the middle of pack of really cute and adorable puppies which he's about to poison with his poisonous secretions: he certainly never let this hold him back. Let's rise to the occasion on the 8th of August. When we take on the Swans let's be sure that our past champions will look down on us with pride at all that we've been able to accomplish."

New recruit, Tristan "the tricky" trickster was impressed with the passion evident in the 'Phant veteran's speech. "I thought Ferrari really tried his heart out. He's not the best public speaker, but he certainly put himself on the line. I mean, after hearing him speak I'm really going to go out there and give it my best. I've been practising pretty hard on the Ultimate Frisbee pitch and I hear the skills are pretty transferable. Should be gold!"

In a move to further invigorate his team-mates for their upcoming challenge, the Ferrari issued a challenge to the rest of the 'Phants playing squad: "If we win in Hanoi by more than 1 point I will swim in Hoan Kiem Lake to capture one of the famed giant turtles. Don't let me down boys. I haven't bathed in over 8 months, since our last victory. I want this to mean something and I really want to be able to share this special moment with all of you."

In typical Ferrari style he concluded his address to the team by letting each and every one of them know exactly how much he cared about them. "You're all really special to me. I want you all to know that. Together we're like a band of brothers, or like the fellowship from the Lord of the Rings, or like the Beastie Boys. Being able to take the field with you is an honour and a privilege."

Despite his speech being somewhat unorthodox, the Ferrari Phil certainly has his hopes high that this team address will be able to inspire the rest of the 'Phants squad to continue their run of 5 consecutive wins.

Will August the 8th mark a 6th straight win for the 'Phants? You better, bloody believe it will.

'Phants pharewell the DC at a Sunday massacre

Adam Kaminski — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 23:29:36 +0100

Sunday the 28th of June saw the greatest exhibition of a Sunday match of Lights versus Dark since Darth Vader gave Obi Wan the finger. While not all the participants were able to follow the simple instruction of wearing a "white" or "blue/black" colour, the plethora of reds, greens and pinks did add something extra to the occassion.

The match got off to a blistering start, despite the 20 minute delayed bounce, with the darks establishing an early three goal lead through the ruck rover combination of the Big C (in his last 'Phants appearance) and little Wil "Wil McGee". Their unspoken bond came in handy as Big Dan continual palmed his balls in Wil's hands and set off an uncompromising forward thrust. It wasn't long, however until Coach Sibbers saw what was happening and quickly put a stop to these shennanigans.

Once the lights got their midfield structure in order the result became merely a formality. As Sibbers gave great service to the forward structure of Souk, and the Ferrari had a sneaky couple the Lights piled on 6 unanswered goals to go to the third time break up by three.

From here the Darks regathered and sent ADRA Grant onto the rampaging Sibbers to quiet him down. Frustrating the Coach by denying him the football, the Darks started the third with two quick goals to make it a contest again. However, in a five minute period of unparalled agression, the Coach cracked one of ADRA Grant's ribs and sent Roddy Rod Mcgee off the field with a suspected broken tibia. Putting two of the Dark's strongest players out of action meant that the Lights were able to regather and put the final result of 11 goals to 7 beyond doubt.

This match marks the beginning of a new period in 'Phant preperation for their upcoming matches against Hanoi and in the Asian Champs. In a bid to uncover new talent and finalise starting positions the 'Phants have begun a series of intraclub matches to get their strongest charges onto the field. Yesterday's match certainly gave hope for the future with a number of strong performances.

The Lights were ably served by Coach Sibbers, Ferrari, Flukey Lukey, The Duncster and Souk "the Aeroplane" Sengdara.

The Darks had plenty to be excited about in the performance of Big C, Wilbuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrr, ADRA Grant and the Trickster, with Doc Sai providing a good cameo up forward towards the end of the match.

All in all it was a good match and fitting farewell for a 'Phants favourite son. We all want to wish Big C the best of luck after he leaves our shor... river banks. We trust we'll see him on the field soon, hopefully it won't be when we see a 6' 10" ruckman for an opposing side. Good luck Dan, and well played.

Lao Elephants vs Vietnam Swans - August 8 - Hanoi

Henry Fenner — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 02:40:06 +0100

Elephants far and wide - the greatest Australian Rules Football rivalry in the world will once again resume with the Lao Elephants on tour to tackle Vietnams finest, the Vietnam Swans in Hanoi. The date for this eagerly anticipated tussle is Saturday August 8th, scheduled for the pleasantly sunny Hanoi time of 12 - 2.

Immediate questions come to mind, have the Elephants after there relatively recent victory in Cambodia at the Indo-China Champs and management positions filled with new trunks & tusks gotten ahead of themselves, this writer suggests they may have. Will Vietnam exert revenge over there once easy-beat neighbours in this perfect lead-in to the 10th Annual Asian Champs to be held in KL. Elephants, by your tickets, get fit, and see you soon in Hanoi.

Northerners edge out Southerners in classic first ever derby

Coach Sibree — Thu, 28 May 2009 00:12:09 +0100

MATCH REPORT - THE LOCAL DERBY

In recent weeks, email chatter around Phants HQ has reached decibel heights only reached when Ms ‘Chk-chk-boom' Werbeloff went mad last week, as the longest, hardest and most punishing pre-post-pre-pre season in LPDRFC club history ended after 6 months last weekend with the first-ever Lao PDR AFL Local Derby at the National Stadium in Savannakhet.

Questions abounded:

Would the Phants ever play another game after the dominating performance in the ‘Bodge in 08?
Would President Phhhhenlly come through with the goods after some abortive attempts at Pachyderm Phixtures?
Could the Phants hold it together after the end-of-season departure of so many great Phants names due to a global financial crisis induced tightening of the Phants-Purse after Wilbur blew it all at Donesavanh at the farewell - Hollywood, Sharples, G-Train?
Could the physicality of the The Kidd be replaced?

All these questions hung in the air, much like a moldy Follett one-liner or a mistimed Sibree speccy attempt, provocatively suggesting that the Phants were a spent force in Asian footy.

These questions were there to be answered as a new era was heralded in at 5.21pm on Friday 22 May. It was at this precise minute that this new look herd of Phants, fresh faced, keen and extremely thirsty for success (and an 11 hour Beerlao session on a bus heading south) pushed off from Vientiane to play the Inaugural Phants Derby against our Sepon pachyderm brethren in Savaanahkhet.

In what will surely become an institution, not just for the LPDRFC but indeed for the entire GoL, the international donor community and several hundred lost and bemused Lao spectators thinking they were there to witness a special 57th anniversary re-enactment of the Battle of Ban Dong, the Northern Phants played the Southern Phants for the right to hold aloft the ‘Kay and Kerry Danes Jewels' cup.

Despite a strict dietary/vitamin supplement regime enforced by Coach Sibree on the trip south, some ‘Best off Ground' form was witnessed early on in the piece with the ‘Ferrari' Jordan in smoking-fine form and Deputy Vice Assistant Fill-In Coach Hunter playing a deft musical hand. Spirits were high.

Captain Souk, sensing the occasion, made a stirring address to the assembled Pink talent, channeling lashings of Churchill, Kennedy and Barker's completely inaudible mate from last Asian Champs when he said: ‘[Inaudible] Why you not kick it to me? Where is my umbrella?'

After nearly 19 hours of travel, and with preparations finalized at Ground Zero Savannakhet due to the tireless work by new-dad Langas (three Trunks up), the largest herd of Phants ever assembled in the one zoo readied themselves at the National Stadium. For some Phants, taken from their mothers at a young age and hand-reared in Laos on a diet of the 'Pit, David Parkin footy manuals, Scott Palmer anecdotes and rote learning of the entire statistics of the 1989 Geelong side, this was their first encounter with a fully grassed pitch.

With a 12 on 12 formation, the Southerners looked to have some impressive bulk, the pre-season weight sessions and rumors of artificial growth enhancers obviously paying dividends, though Frenchy was tight lipped when asked the secret behind the Southern team's enhanced physique: ‘Mate, call it what you like, call it EPO, call it the Cousin's dandruff, we just call it beer fit'.

With the crowd numbering about 7, a few dogs and a bloke in the best denim flares seen since Woodstock yelling random indecipherable football related banter (apparently he owns an Australian mine), the stage was ready for the first ever major AFL game outside of Vientiane.

It was about 43c degrees in the shade and even the light warm-up had a few blokes wondering whether they'd go the distance. Pres had turned redish. Coach couldn't get the sunscreen to rub into the cranium. Captain had his 15th pre-game ciggie.

With the Northerners having won the toss and kicking with a slight breeze, the first few minutes was tight, physical footy. Big ‘DC' Carter in his final ever game for the hallowed Pink jumper commenced in his usual dominant form in the ruck against the might of Patto, providing great use of the ball for Si ‘Cyborg' Barnes and the wingmen Tom ‘I do look a bit like a Mormon' Allen, to pump it long.

Slowly but surely, like a lumbering Tusker through the scrub, a pattern emerged, as the Northerners pushed ahead. Coach (by now with a head resembling a sunburnt lobster) got a bit of the ball early, but it was the new recruits who were leading the way. Mark ‘Willo' Williams never stopped running, indeed launching into a few 800 meter sprints at half time so as not to ‘cramp up' in preparation for his 24 hour bike ride from Vientiane to Lake Irkutsk and back, getting some serious leather poisoning. Phil ‘Ferrari' and Duck Langas were having a cracking duel down front of the Sepon goal, while ‘It's AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEYYYYY' Aisenberg was unable to drop anything that came within 15 feet and started to kick a bag.

In the second term, the intensity of the Northerners was beginning to show, as was the Steve Moneghetti/Jeff Fenech training regime that Coach had secretly enforced on the team since February, exemplified by Fred ‘The Raging BullBull' JeanJean taking on not one, not two, but a lazy four big-eyed Sepon miners in a sight that would have made the Big Dipper prouder than his Dimmey's advertising career. I hear that Dermie has sent him a card of congratulations.

At half time, the Northerners were up by a few goals.

Having regrouped with a stirring half time clap led by the Raging Bull, the Northerners came out to really stamp their fitness and class on the game in the third term. Newbie Luke, playing for Sepon, showed some great endeavor all day, and will surely come into contention around Asian Champs time.

Snakes and new Phant Phen-Jay were doing good things out back, locking the Sepon forwards down, while Tom ‘TC' Callender was his usual, raging inferno of reckless arms and elbows before coming up with the footy and booting it forward.

Phhhenlly occasionally didn't run out of puff and got some touches in close and some runs down the space. The Doctor Sai, defying his height, weight and general fear of being crunched, danced around a rampaging miner, and despite having a chance to bag his first ‘sausage roll' selflessly dished off to big DC for his first ever Phants 6-pointer in his farewell match.

A touch of the Pres to the ex-Pres in the ‘Bodge to shore up votes - the first LPDRFC President in the wings? Massive news.

The result looking firmly beyond doubt, the Northerners romped home in the 4th term with Aisey kicking a 6-goal bag in the forward line despite Thommo's valiant defending attempts. With 10 minutes to play, Captain Santisouk Sengdara, never shy of goal himself, floated down into the forward line late in the piece where Coach passed to him, 15 meters straight out. This was the moment - you could feel the tension building - would we once again witness the famous ‘Flying B52' come out? Alas, it wasn't to be as ball sailed left, and the Bird Dance is put on ice until the Shanghai guys come to town. In fact, apparently more contagious that N1H1 Snakes caught that same virus and missed a sitter late in the term running into an open goal 20m out, an act that must surely call into doubt his entire existence in the LPDRFC. A vote is happening this Sunday, at Sunset. All must attend.

To their credit, the Sepon team fought all day, with some notable performances from Langas and Guy and Frenchy (and a few blokes this scribe didn't catch the names of) and some late 4th quarter goals meant they recorded a very respectable result.

When Umpire 'Bono' Hunter put the whistle to the lips and blew time on an epic Local Derby, the Northerners were home comfortably, but Lao football was definitely the winner.

Northerners: 11 10 76
Sepon: 5 12 42
Best for Northerners: Aisey (6 goals), DC (1 goal), Snakes, Barnes, Willo, Coach (3 goals), Phil,

Pres Best for Sepon: Langas (1700 marks), Guy, Frenchy

Kay and Kerry Danes Medal for BoG: Aisenberg

Lao Elephants versus Lao Elephants

Adam Kaminski — Wed, 20 May 2009 23:58:13 +0100

May 23rd will mark the beginning of one of the biggest rivalries in Lao Elephants history as the Northern/Central Lao Elephants take on their Southern Lao Elephant sisters. This match will see the unleashing of two of the strongest AFL teams to take to a Savvankhet stadium since Phomvihan led his Revolutionary Raiders to victory against the Maniacal Monarchs in '75.

Speaking at a packed press conference earlier in the week, Langas, new father of the second biggest baby South of Akebono's efforts, talked up the chances of a Southern victory. "We've been training in earnest for the last 6 months to gear up for this match. Many of the boys really started getting serious on their weight training during the Christmas and New Year's break. I don't think we've really stopped the carbo-loading since then. Those Central and Northern highlanders better watch out because many of the local villagers here have been complaining about Elephants encroaching on their territory. They don't know that those footsteps they've been hearing are actually ours."

Not one to back down from a challenge, Lao Elephants President Henri, sole representative of the Luang Prabang Phoussies participating in this match, went on the offensive talking up his and Newbie Coach Sibree's preparations for the match. "Mani/Pedi, White Lotus, Mandarina, the dodgy place next to Lane Xang hotel. Do you know how many places we've been visiting to get our bodies in peak physical shape for this event? I havent been able to walk straight for weeks, but I know that when I take the field this won't be the first time we've made a big impression down south together."

The final ingredient making this such a momentous occasion is the legion of 'Phants phans from Savvanakhet and throughout Laos who have already ensured a sell-out match. Speaking to local media outlet The Very Vientiane Variety Hour, Captain and Co-Captain of the national Lao Elephants, Souk "The Dominator" Sengdara and The Doc Sai summed up the match best: "May 23rd, North/Central versus South. We hope that all our supporters and especially those who have never seen a game of Australian Rules Football (we do) will come down and be a part of one of the biggest events in Laos' national history. We hope that everyone can come down at 4 pm to the Savvanakhet stadium and chear us on. There will also be an after match function so that all our fans will have the chance to meet their favourite players. Thanks very much, and we're looking forward to seeing you on Saturday."

Well said Capt. and Co-Capt., this weekend is gonna be MEGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snakes escapes to lead charge down south

Adam Kaminski — Wed, 20 May 2009 02:28:40 +0100

In the lead up to one of the most anticipated clashes in post-1975 history, ‘Phants General Manager Snakes recently attempted to tour Australia to get some tips from some of the masters of the game (Barassi, Matthews, Bartlett, G-Train, Tambling were just some of the names on his list of who's who).

Running into some trouble at Wattay airport, GM Snakes discovered he may have bitten off a little more than he could chew at his latest outing at Dirty Don's Palace of Pleasure. As Laos' finest began to surround him, the Snake had no choice but to let them take him into custody. Shortly after arriving at Phonthong prison, Snakes was confronted with the sights, sounds and smells of ex-pat after ex-pat prisoner. Most had not seen daylight since Jaidee's in Vangvieng and had simply given up hope of ever having a mushroom shake again.

Scared, alone and with little more than his cell mate, Samantha, to comfort him, the Snake eventually managed to put through a call to his trusty Newbie Coach Sibree. Despite rumours to the contrary, Sibree's record with the Lao legal system is as strong as his coaching record. Despite being untested, one has not witnessed a similar amount of eagerness since the Kid stumbled upon a little bar known simply as "69" in Phnom Penh.

Using his empty threats of mediation with the Village Chief, or getting the Septologist (recently infected with the kind of rage that only a mother gorilla threatened with separation from their baby can exhibit) to come down and sort them out, Sibree was reduced to using the same sort of tricks he exhibited in the ‘Bodge to rescue the GM from this one.

Calling in assistance from President (P)Henlllllllllllllllllllllllly the two were finally able to talk down the authorities with the offer of three pick-up trucks, seven mobile phones, one new house for the head guard's mother-in-law and a starting position in the next ‘Phants international match. Reports which have surfaced in the Vientiane Times since these murky events alleging that the Pres had in fact offered himself to the prison warden in an act of selflessness (not seen since he handballed to the ex-Pres Sharples in the goal square while running into an open goal) to save the Super Snake have been heavily denied by all involved, except the Pres.

With the Snake safely back in the hands of his beloved Bor Pen Nyang girls, life is slowly beginning to get back to normal at ‘Phants HQ... although everyone looks a little awkward when (P)Helllllllllllllllllllly walks into the room with a slight wince of discomfort.

Will the President's sacrifice prove to be worth it? We ask all phootball phans in Asia to make the trip down to Savvankhet this weekend to witness the battle of all battles as the Northern/Central Lao Elephants take on the Southern Lao Elephants at the new stadium. Which latitudinal distinction will reign supreme? Only time will tell. Watch this space for more details.

Phants Wallace Talks Breakdown

Marty Sharples — Tue, 19 May 2009 06:10:59 +0100

The Elephants board have rejected a proposal from Terry Wallace's manager that 'plough' join the phants as High Performance Manager leading into the Asian Football Championships in KL later this year.

President Fenner revealed to a packed scrum of local media this morning that talks had stalled following uncertainty surrounding Wallace's future at Richmond. In his statement Fenner made it clear that the Phants are very pleased with the early season performance of rookie coach Sibree, and that the discussions with Wallace were about additional support for Sibree in recognition of the obvious challenges involved in replacing super coach Hollywood Hassett - club co-founder currently banished to the Berra for his role in the Mahasot 'unpleasantness', the murky details of which have only just surfaced (see below*).

The President also made it very clear that the talks with Wallace had absolutely nothing to do with the Phants near poaching of Ben's cousin Ben Cousins leading into last years Asian Championships. As reported at the time the club was just one empty meth lab short of the great coup in recruting history.

Fenner confirmed that the Wallace discussions had predominantly been held by ex-president Sharples who is currently working on his new rap album in Canberra 'My balls are totally frozen' and encouraging more people in Ostraylya to get involved in the great sport of Australian Rules . In a last ditch effort for secrecy Sharples took Wallace to the Solomon Islands last week for a spot of whale harpooning and to go over the final details and as late as yesterday the agreement looked set.

Fenner refused to elaborate on what had gone wrong saying only, "On reflection, we have been barking up the wrong tree. There is nothing that plough can offer us. Plough's greatest coaching attribute is to turn good teams mediocre, before turning mediocre sides shithouse. The Elephants dont dont do mediocre... or shithouse for that matter. Sure we've done them both but we're going for a new kind of vibe these days'

In an interesting aside, we can confirm now that Wallace has rejected a 50 year head coach position offered by the Thailand Tigers saying that he will only ever coach north of the Mekong, or south of Jolimont.

Or anywhere else where there's a contract going.

*The Mahasot Unpleasantness:

Hassett on the night before his departure from Lao, detirmined to preserve his Tom Hafeyesque physique fed the Doc Sai with enough sherberts to cover Brendan Fevola's entire chin (approx 41sqkm) and after breaking into the Mahasot forced the young Doc to perform a ludicrously complicated 10 hour hamstring replacement surgery using 4 coathangers and a handful of pokemon figurines. Despite the Doc's pleading that surgery is not covered in first year Medicine Hassett was relentless in his pursuit of mid leg beauty. It was only when the police charged the building was Sai saved and Hassett send bags a packed on his merry way to Belconnen

UPDATE: Recent successful Phants recruiting activities

Coach Sibree — Thu, 07 May 2009 01:28:49 +0100

Gentlephants across Vientiane are raising their trunks to the sky today on hearing the news of the greatest recruiting coup in the (post-'75) history of the LPDRFC.

Despite formidable odds and a complete inability to compete in the pay-brackets that some clubs where offering (including a lucrative, last-minute offer from the Dubai Heat involving a 37% stake in a recently discovered oil deposit in the sandy emirate), the Phants have secured the services of the Australian Parliamentary Secretary for International Development Assistance, Mr Bob McMullen ("or you can just call me Bob") as it's number 1 ticket holder.

At a gala reception last week that was hosted at the Ambassador's Residence (which the LPDRFC also generously allowed to be called an "official reception" for the Parliamentary Secretary), the presentation of the Phants jumper was made by current coach Sibree on behalf of all Phants past and present.

While clearly very surprised to be receiving the honorific position within the Phants legend - aka think Stephen Bradbury's facial expression as he crossed the line first to secure the Australia's inaugural Winter Olympics gold medal - Bob maintained a steady composure as he accepted the privilege. In giving thanks for the sacrifices of so many Phants that have come before, Bob also identified young Logan Manley as the player of the future to watch, despite only being 7 weeks old.

Awkwardly, there were some tense moments when Bob realised that the colour of the jumper was, in fact, pink and that it bore the number 2 on its back. However, Coach Sibree was quick to point out that the No. 1 jumper had in fact been last seen at "Hollywood" Hassett's house sometime around his departure from Vientiane in a haze of controversy involving a whisper on the breeze about a stake in the re-development of the Talat Sao carpark. Lawyer's are swirling.

Melbourne Intra-phant tussle; Pinks vs Greys May 30th

Alex Barker — Tue, 05 May 2009 21:41:34 +0100

Saturday, May 30th

Wattie Watson Oval, Elwood Park, Melbourne (mel 67, C5)

11am warmup, 12pm start

As a fundraiser for the 2009 Asian championships, the Lao Elephants are holding an intre-club practice match on May 30th. Be aware this oval has grass, so dont let it put you off your game. Lao Elephants Training Guernsey and post-match beer and barbeque included in playing costs.. $35/$10 for supporters.

Stomp, stomp, stomp

contact: alexbarker1978@hotmail.com 0413 631 612

Phants returning to the hallowed Pit High Altitude Training (PHAT) Centre to resume the quest for Pa

Adam Kaminski — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 23:16:40 +0100

In what surely must rate as the second greatest spectacle ever seen in the Greater Mekong Subregion (the first of course being The Moment That Time Stood Still when The Captain, Legend and Number One Umbrella Holder Sanitsouk Sengdara kicked truly on the run from close range to lodge the first ever sausage roll on the board for his Lao brethren), hundreds of Phants were seen in force on the streets of Luang Prabang during the annual Pii Mai Lao celebrations.

While lesser mortals resorted to water pistols, buckets and hoses to inflict watery greetings on the revellers, the Phants of young and old used the time-honoured tradition of merely dipping their trunks into the flowing waters of the Mekong and then spraying anyone within shooting distance aka Bobby Brown in a wild night in 1987 that lead to some nasty rumours and rashes. Of course, such a technique naturally left both hands free to hold a Beerlao and assuaged the crush of autograph hunters with a few flicks of the Phiro. No injuries reported.

In other news, the first training of the Lao Buddhist New Year 2552 is set to see a return that has even the big boys in AFL HQ talking. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou was heard to mumble: "Snakes? Never heard of him. Pass those chips." Mr Demetriou also surprised the invited press by announcing the new 'Distinguished Services to International AFL efforts" award that in an inaugural year would be going to Wil (aka Wil) for being the nicest man in all of international AFL. The award is to be commemorated with bronze statues of Wil outside the gates of the MCG, SCG, WACA, GABBA, Subiaco, Kardinia Park (R.I.P), Waverley (R.I.P.), Aurora Stadium, Manuka, the Pit, Patuxai, the West Maryibonong RSL and Long Bay Jail. However, a fundraising effort yielded just over $54.04 (AUD) at the 8 AFL matches last weekend, meaning that the originally planned 3.5 metre bronze casts have been scaled back to just single, 15cm replica of Wil's worn out left Asics runner made of endangered Lao hardwood mixed with pangolin glands. Tender out soon.

Over at the Phants Nursery, Logan Manley is still looking on track to start at Full Forward in the Phants next game, despite being only 3 months old. The fledgling gorilla has made some impressive steps over recent weeks, having been seen consuming more BaconEggers at Joma than the combined efforts of "G-Force" Follett and Thommo 'Thommo' Edgecombe during stints of bachelor-hood. Little Logan was last seen testing his lung capacity by self-inflating Phil's yellow Sherrin while simultaneously taking on Will "Big Will who is now absolutely huge and on questionable amounts of steroids" Barber at arm-wrestling. He is said to weigh nearly 400kgs.

However, in what is starting to look a little suspiciously like a plague, the man who has bigger hands than Stewart Lowe and is called in some circles the Sepon Houdini for his ability to go MIA in SE Asian capitals after 9pm has announced a massive coup for the Phants with the recent birth of Jayakhon Langdon. Congratulations goes out to Langas on the recent birth .

Lastly, the longest pre-post-pre-season in the history of AFL is starting to really get some momentum in its 27th straight week.

Training is ON

Tuesday morning running is ON.

Posted on behalf of Coach

Happy marriage makes happy country

Adam Kaminski — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 03:05:21 +0100

In ceremonies unrivalled for pomp, prestige, beerlao, innebriated 'phants and (hopefully) posterity two 'Phant phavourite sons were recently married (see picture for depiction of wedding celebrations). Messrs Alex Kimura (nee Barker) and Tom Saysana (nee Callander) tied the knot to usher in a new era in their lives and, no doubt, their ability to turn up to the track on Wednesdays and Sundays. All of us at 'Phants HQ would like to congratulate them and Nobuko Kimura and Vonesili Saysana on making this big 'Phant family bigger, better, stronger and more representative of Asia.

We wish all four of you the best and hope that this is only the beginning of happy lives together, lots of swinging and continued 'Phants glory.

Pants down, Trunks up!

Phants trunk the opposition

Adam Kaminski — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:29:34 +0100

As the AFL season continues to show the Richmond Tigers' improvement over the past 5 seasons with Terry Wallace at the helm, hopes are high at the Lao Elephants that Coach Sibree and President (P)Henlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly will lead the Elephants to continued success. The recent training and match preparation schedule insituted by these two titans of the game has previous president and coach Messrs Sharples and Hasset, respectively, confident of the Phants' direction:

"I Love Elephants" they enthused after a recent outing to the zoo, "Elephants don't just embody all the characteristics of a great footballer but have many lessons for us in life, what with their massive trunks and no pants."

Drawing on the lessons learned under the tutelage of Sharps and Hassett, Sibree and (P)Henllllllllllllllllllllly have brought fresh ideas to the table. Accordingly, the 'Phants are now on the hunt for a ground with grass, which is bigger than 70 metres and a football to use during the training. Anyone who can be of assistance is asked to please email the club ASAP.

Recent successful Phants recruiting activities

Coach Sibree — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 01:23:28 +0100

Not content with stomping over all pretenders to the throne that came before them at the Indo-China championships in November 2008, the Phants have undertaken what some are saying is the boldest off-season recruitment drive in post-1975 history in readiness for the upcoming 2009 season.

While there were rumours of player manager Ricky Nixon having a few too many lao-lao shots with the Phants hierarchy at a top-secret Vientiane location, leading to a much publicised traffic accident where he fled Cousins-like from the scene, Phants young and old would have had a tear in their eye on witnessing the vast army of phabulous new talent that has graced the mighty 'Pit in recent weeks.

Some commentators have remarked that it's akin to seeing the 'Duck' Carey, 'Clarke Kent' Langford and 'Fort Knox' Knox all pull on the masculine pink and grey colours at the same time, though Will less-charitably stated that they just looked a bit like ex-Pres Marty before the Dengue complications. Nonetheless, one of the older generation of pink-wearers was heard to comment: "These blokes are nearly bigger than Seppo, though with a handball component", before being moved to label this new crop of aspiring Phants as the "Really Really Very Big Units".

In fact, such has been the influx of the RRVBUs that there has been speculation that recent seismic activity in the lower Mekong Region is a direct result of the considerable weight increase that the Indochina/Laos tectonic plate has been put under since the arrival of flight TG692 on Monday 23 February (aka AYAD Force 1) which strained into the majestic Wattay Airport at 21.20 hours with 5 RRVBUs on board.

According to well placed sources at the Lao Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry, the impact of the sudden arrival of the RRVBU on the undersurface substrata at the 'Pit epicentre has resulted in serious concerns that the long-rumoured tumbling of Done Chan Hotel into the Mekong River will in fact occur sometime around June 2009. President Phhhenlly is said to be in shock at the potentially sudden demise of his post-midnight-in-Vientiane spiritual home, lamenting that some of his best hard-ball-gets occurred on the lasered-epicness of the Dirty Don's dancefloor.

However, even the coup of the RRVBUs recruitment drive is overshadowed by more recent news at Phants HQ. In scenes that must surely surpass the 1965 recruitment of Barassi at Captain-Coach, General Manager Snakes announced to a packed press conference early Monday morning that the Phants had been successful in a bidding war to secure the services of a baby gorilla into the hallowed LPDRFC ranks, recruited under the controversial gorilla-gorilla son recruitment guidelines issued by the AFL last August.

After a labor lasting a full lunar month, Logan Quinn Manley was born into the world last week at a healthy 126.1kgs, with a body length of 2.31m and the ability to run the 100m in just over 10.3 seconds.

Sources close to the birth say that little Logan's first act was to bench-press his mother 17 times and draft a 48-page binding concession agreement for a new Russian hydro plant on the Mekong River, before retiring to eat fourteen litres of choc-chip icecream and some beef laab. Mother and baby are said to be doing well. The Phants wish little Manley and parents all the best in the coming weeks.

Stay tuned...

First Ever AFL Clinic in the PDR

Henry Fenner — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 23:01:19 +0100

The AFL has always known that the southern provinces of Laos PDR have been fertile hunting grounds for the Laos Elephants - more fertile than Gary Ablett Senior's loins for that matter - names such as "Langas" and "Frenchy" and "that big bloke from the mine who can lift two forklifts while drinking a beer lao" quickly come to mind. Well they have taken it a step further this time and are hosting the first ever Auskick AFL clinic for kids and Exhibition Game in this fertile area - sewing the seeds for future generations of pink wearing little elephants.

The time and venue for the Exhibition Game for the Savannakhet Provincial Games as lead up to 25th SE Asian Games has been CONFIMRED for Friday, 20th March @ 3:30 pm. The game venue is in centre of Vilabouly town in Savannakhet Province, a few kilometers from the Sepon Mine site. Lanagas will personally be educating all on "how to play and party like the King, Wayne ‘the duck' Carey.

Transport has been secured for the Phant's that will make the journey from Vientiane to Vilabouly return (Will is jogging it) AT NO COST. Departure date will be 19th and return 21st. The time and location of mini-bus departure from VTE to be confirmed in next few days. Email the Coach at ayad1@laobar.org to join the illustrious skipper Souk down there - as always the first to put his hand up.

Prez

Asian Champs Date Set � September 5 � Kuala Lumpur � Malaysia

Henry Fenner — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 22:53:32 +0100

After the recent scouting trip and approval by Dick Pratt and Chris Judd (possible bench spot mooted); Kuala Lumpur has been confirmed as host of the 10th Annual Asian Championships in Malaysia on September the 5th.

Last years championships saw the unveiling of the Laos Elephants as a force to be reckoned with, not only inside the P.D.R. but also outside of it. Un-witnessed by the author, the phants took the tournament by the trunk and hit heights not seen since the dawning of the Phants in 1975 led by President Kaysone Phomvihane on a half-back-flank in a Glenn Lovett esque sweeping role. A remarkable crowning of Indo-China Champions in Phenom Phen saw the Elephants finest day yet also one of its saddest with a raft of retirees and as such a new dawn has risen.

The Laos Elephants biography "From calf, to mahout to the best team in Asian Football STOMP STOMP - the true story of the pink and grey" is being compiled by ex-president Sharples and will soon be found in all credible book stores ie Dimmy's.

A new Coach, GM and President help to usher in the phants for an enormous 2009 Asian Football Season, with the one constant remaining the unmovable Captain and Vice-Captain, both set to release their autobiographies soon, also at be found at Dimmys. With a number of warm-up fixtures scheduled prior to the Championships a call is being made to all current and previous elephants. SEE YOU IN KL on September 5.