Over sharing in a relationship?

If you’ve shared too much on a first phone call, email or first date, you probably understand what I’m talking about when I say that less is more in the courtship phase of dating. Or perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of someone who shared too much with you on a first email or phone call.

Sharing too much too soon is usually a sign of projection, wishful thinking, and sometimes neediness.

Here’s a first email I received yesterday from a man on an online dating site I just rejoined after a long hiatus. I’ve edited his email for the purpose of this blog. The original was 800 words long!!! I’ve inserted my notes in red.

Hi there,

i am coming to New York early Tuesday morning June 11 to finally meet you on Wednesday night for a very special wedding – of my youngest daughter XXXX and her fiance XXXX – returning late Thursday evening June 13th to XXXX . Finally meet me? We have never spoken or written to each other before. And why is he sharing the intimate details of his daughter’s name and her fiance’s name?

please join me by coming out for some adventurous play, fun, laughs and discovery before, possibly during and after the wedding – lady’s choice !!!

i really enjoyed reading your very upbeat profile and viewing your lovely kind warm smiling pics…

I luv the way you so vividly express yourself in your words, paintings, and multi-modality, multi-layered and multi-textured images.

i am planning to be “doing New York” staying at XXXX Inn in XXXX and i am looking for a lovely, warm, beautiful, friendly and experienced “companion/tour guide” who happens to be a most lovely “Artist and Certified Life Coach” to show me some of the sights both on and off the “beaten track” and beyond  Again, he tells me too many personal details: the name of his hotel ? TMI!!

does that work or interest you at all ?

i really hope that it does…because although i do not usually reach out to women so much younger than me, even though truth be told age is merely a state of mind and i am the youngest 65 in the whole-wide-world and i really want to meet you and spend some fun quality time with ya – quite possibly and the beginning of so much more ! He’s sabotaging himself by stating that he may not be worthy of a woman almost ten years younger. Also telling anyone that you’re the youngest ___ in the whole-wide-world is just opening yourself up for criticism about how you’re aging. 

i would really be honoured (Canadian spelling) and even quite honestly “thrilled” (i hve no problem always frankly saying it as it is) if you would agree to clear some time for “us” and the promise of “us” and spend some fascinating and enjoyable discovery time with me visiting various NYC sights, parks, beaches, museums, art galleries, favorite activity sights, exotic, delicious romantic candle-light dinners! The promise of ‘us’? Remember, we’ve never emailed before…

we could even exchange some of your favorite recipes for some of my favorite “Hungarian” recipes after we totally impress each other with all our multi-lingual, culinary and other artistic skills and expressions  Too many references to my profile. Makes him sound stalk-ish.

would luv to hear much more about you, your family/parents/siblings/kids, any grandkids, your spiritual journey, your life, your interesting and gratifying work, what makes you smile (that beautiful smile) & laugh, what makes you sad & cry, what makes you tick, your favorite colours (Canadian spelling favorite foods, (i love to cook and present gourmet – one of my many favorite creative expressions) your favorite drinks, passions, hobbies, interests, and so much more… Yikes! Why is he asking to know my deepest thoughts before we’ve even exchanged one freakin’ email???

hope to hear back from you very soon.

ciao

p.s. do you have a lovely dress for the wedding, if we both decide that “we” want and it makes sense to do the 6:30 p.m. wedding too on Wednesday nite ? As if I needed more reason to not date him, he’s asking me to come to a total stranger’s daughter’s wedding. Did I tell you that we have not even met yet? Oh yeah, I think I did…

Less is More!

While this guy’s email was extreme, I posted it as a reminder to not over share. As I mentioned at the start of this blog, I have been on both sides of  over sharing in a relationship. When you make a connection with someone, especially after a long stretch of ‘meh’ boring dates, it can be quite exciting. You can run the risk of an overactive imagination, projecting all kinds of things on this total stranger.

My basic rule of thumb is to keep it short and simple in the beginning. Flirt, have fun, and see where things go. Keep your intimate details to yourself until trust is built. If it’s meant to be, there will be plenty of time to share. Until then, zip it. Keep the mystery alive. Now, that is sexy!

Have you been a victim of over sharing in a relationship? Please share your comments/thoughts/stories below.

And remember, to grab a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)” click here.

xoxo

Sandy

I’m a divorced 44 year-old woman who was married to an abusive man. He has full custody of my kids, and I have been lonely and sad for a few years now. I want to get remarried. Recently, I met a guy online who lives 5 hours away. He has good character traits, not especially good looking, but he seems sensible. He has a good business, was never married, has no kids, and is 46 years old. He has high blood pressure and cholesterol, had cancer 10 years ago, but says he’s improving his health daily with exercise & alternative healing. I haven’t met him yet, but we are planning to meet shortly. I’m so unsure about what to do.

Do you see physical illness as a person having unresolved mental issues? My choices are narrowed down, and one of the most important things is being able to communicate, good character traits, and being a good business man.

I know I can’t be too picky if I want a good-hearted non-abusive man. I become more afraid every day, being alone without my kids, and without money. I realize that marriage is not a hospital and I don’t plan to be a caretaker, but I’m not sure if we have enough in common. Would I be settling? Should we meet or not? What do you think?

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

There seem to be two main issues here. The first is whether this guy is worth meeting/dating. And the second is what’s the difference between settling and compromising in a relationship?

As to whether he’s worth meeting? From your description, there are pros and cons.

The pros: he seems financially stable, and has ‘good character traits’. Not sure what those character traits are though,since you’ve only known him via phone and email. It’s hard to really know what his true character is. That requires time and in-person dates.

The cons:

1. First there’s the long distance issue. The five hour distance can be a big obstacle in forming an intimate relationship. If both parties are not fully committed, it won’t work.
2. Then, there’s his ailing physical health. I’m concerned about his health issues, and whether or not you would end up becoming his caretaker. I am also concerned about how much of his health issues he disclosed this early on.
3. I think he suffers from TMI. In my experience, people who disclose too much about themselves too quickly are often needy and/or have boundary issues.
4. You describe his looks as ‘not especially good looking’. Don’t discount the importance of attraction. If he’s somewhat attractive to you, attraction can grow. But if he really turns you off? Not so much…
5. He’s never been married. You have. That’s not a definite deal breaker, but you don’t share the big life experience of marriage. And to get to midlife without a marriage? That raises red flags about commitment issues, selfishness, etc. You would need to get to know him better to see if that’s true for him.

If it was me, I wouldn’t meet him unless the communication and connection over the phone was over the top amazing. And I would Skype or do Face Time before either of you committed to a five-hour trip.

Difference Between Compromise and Settling?

My biggest concern is that I detect an undercurrent of fear in your email. Fear that you won’t meet a great guy. Fear that you won’t be able to marry again. Fear of being alone the rest of your life.

If you are dating from a place of fear, you will probably end up settling, and you won’t be honoring your true core values in a relationship. If you settle, you suffer in the long run.

Compromise, on the other hand, is important in any relationship. You are two people coming together with different habits. For example, you can compromise on where to go for a vacation, but you settle when it’s a scuba diving vacation and you hate the water. Especially if that’s where you always vacation, and you never go to places that would meet your recreational needs, too.

My gut feeling is that this guy is not a good match for you. You need to believe you are special and will find the right man. He’s out there. But if you date from a place of fear, you will not make a sound choice in a mate.

xoxo

Sandy

PS: To grab a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)” click here.

“God gives us joy that we may give;

For life is gladder when we give, and love is sweeter when we share; and heavy loads rest lightly too, when we have learned to bear.”  

 - Author unknown 

I recently came across the above poem, sent to me by a remarkable woman I met a few years ago. ‘Claire’ had bravely weathered the grueling trials of a brain tumor.

I was struck by two things: her great attitude about life and her courage in the face of crisis. In spite of what she and her family have been through, she continues to be positive and hopeful.

Lessons Learned From Crisis

How does someone like Claire remain upbeat when they’ve come so close to death? I can only speak from my own experience.

My first child, Avi, was born with a genetic disease, Fanconi Anemia. He had 17 surgeries in his first two years of his life. I don’t have to tell you that when your child suffers, you suffer deeply. Somehow I found the resolve to keep on advocating for him, even when I would have been happier to just take a long nap…

Avi died of a brain tumor just shy of his fifth birthday. Today marks the 22nd anniversary of his death. We did all we could to help our little boy. At the end, we couldn’t control the outcome.

I have no regrets, no ‘what ifs’

Avi made his mark on the world, however short his life was.

He was a warm, sweet, loving boy. His laughter was contagious. He brought joy to many. And he forever touched my life ~ in a great way.

• Avi taught me that I rise up when the chips are down.
• He taught me that I am naturally intuitive about medicine; even without a medical background. I was often mistaken for a nurse or doctor by the medical personell.
• Having lost a son, I have an understanding of others who are going through a major medical crisis. I understand loss. I know what it is to persevere, even if the ending is not what you hoped for.
• I have my son to thank for giving me a new perspective on what really matters. Having dealt with life and death, I don’t give much attention to the small stuff.

When something doesn’t go my way, like in my dating life, I am okay.

I know that G-d has plans that I am not clued in on, but it’s all part of the plan.

And so, like Claire, I look at what works, not what I can’t control. I focus on what I’ve learned, not ‘why me?’.

It’s not always easy to be positive. I am human. I get frustrated and wonder what plans G-d has for me, and just how much He’s laughing at my foibles.

Most of the time, though, I focus on what’s working. I am so grateful for the blessings in my life.

I remain optimistic and hopeful.

“For life is gladder when we give, and love is sweeter when we share; and heavy loads rest lightly too, when we have learned to bear.”  

I believe that when we learn from the pain of a crisis, we can eventually let go of the hurt and grow from the experience.

As I said the Kaddish prayer for my son in Synagogue this morning, I took a moment to be grateful for the gift that Avi has been in my life. Being his parent made me a better woman.

What crisis have you overcome, and what life lessons are you now able to apply in your life today? Please share your comments below.

To grab a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)” click here.

xoxo

Sandy

What is love? 

Is Mother’s Day just another Hallmark holiday, aimed at selling more flowers, chocolates, and spa reservations? That’s what my 22-year-old son thought. “Why should I celebrate Mother’s Day, mom? I celebrate you every day.” And that is true. Every single day, he tells me what he appreciates about me. Before he goes to sleep, he thanks me for what I contributed to his life that day. I help him with his career as a musician and artist. We laugh together every day, and we discuss deep thoughts on life and love. It’s a very special relationship, and I truly cherish it.

So, if things are so loving on a daily basis, why celebrate Mother’s Day? Good question. First, I have two other children who don’t acknowledge me very often. And while mothering is a job most women do out of unconditional love for their children without expecting anything in return, it’s nice to hear ‘thank you’ or ‘you’re the best’ from your kids every once in a while. Mother’s Day allows for the focus to be on us mothers at least once a year.

But Mother’s Day is more than just a once-a-year day to celebrate being a mom or having a mom. To me, it’s a day to focus on true love. The love I have for my kids is like no other. After my divorce, when I finally learned to express my needs without the harsh edge of anger and judgment, I became the parent I always wanted to be. I learned to be strong on the inside, where it matters, and soft and loving on the outside, where it’s best received.

By learning to set clear standards with my kids, I became a far better parent. By learning to express my needs to them without an angry edge, I became a more loving parent, and my kids respected me more.

How Parenting Has Improved My Relationships With Men

I apply those same skills to my relationships with men. I am strong on the inside now, more comfortable with my whole self, and better able to express how I feel in the moment. I don’t stuff my painful emotions anymore.

I honor myself, and I am honored and loved by others. My kids and I have never had a better relationship. And my relationships with men are filled with honor and respect.

What is love?

In my mind, true love starts with loving and honoring yourself. And when you truly believe in yourself, honor and love yourself, you become irresistible to others.

What is love to you? Please share your comments below.

And don’t forget to grab a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now.” Click here now.

I hardly ever raised my hand in class. I was afraid of being judged. As I got older, I began hanging out with loudmouthed friends. I’d murmur funny comments under my breath, and they’d repeat them out loud and get all the laughs. I felt bad that they got the credit, but I was still too scared to risk having people laugh at me, not with me. So I stayed quiet. The shy girl carried on.

Coming out of my ‘shy girl’ shell

Six years ago, I began to come out of my protective shell. How?

1. I started taking some scary steps. I left a failed marriage. I became a life coach, and I discovered my passion and true calling as a dating coach. Suddenly, I had things I wanted to say, messages I wanted to spread to others. It was important to stop playing small and start pushing out of my comfort zone.

2. I had a message to spread. My message first came out in my writing. I forgot to tell you, aside from the shy girl label, I carried the ‘she can’t write’ label. I was the artist, not the writer. But with so much to say, I couldn’t stop writing. I wrote a newsletter, which morphed into a daily blog. I started writing for other sites, eventually landing as featured writer for the Huffington Post!

3. I began to take more risks. Not the ‘jump off a bridge tethered to a bungee cord’ type of risks. I pushed myself past my comfort zone even more. It was scary, but it was more frightening to hide. I just couldn’t conceal my essence anymore.

I did things that shy people don’t do. I was asked to be a guest on someone’s podcast. My voice shook as I delivered my first presentation. I got great feedback, which gave me the courage to do another podcast. I soon became brave enough to deliver my own tele-class series. That was a big step for me, but I was still comfortably hidden behind a telephone; not standing on a stage for all to see (and judge…).

4. I took bigger risks. Each time I succeeded with one risk, it gave me the courage to step a little further out of my quiet shy space. Last year, I started a radio show called Courageous Conversations, where I interview guests on topics related to creating and maintaining healthier relationships. And I realized that now the tables were turned. My guests were nervous, and I was starting to feel more confident and much less shy.

5. The biggest risk of all! Last December, my friend connected me with the organizer of a TEDx event. I submitted a proposal about a topic I was passionate about, and it was accepted. Great!! And…yikes. How can I, the shy girl, give a TEDx talk? I was terrified of public speaking. My fear paralyzed me. I was on the verge of withdrawing my application, when I took a deep breath and calmed myself down. I thought, ‘how can I deliver this talk AND overcome my fears?’

6. Getting support. I realized I didn’t have to do it alone. So I got help. I hired a speech coach. I joined Toastmasters, and I practiced and rewrote my speech about a gazillion times, until I felt more at ease.

7. I did it! On Friday, April 26th, I stood up in front of a large audience, with cameras rolling, and gave my TEDx speech! I was pumped up with adrenaline, but not paralyzed with fear.

My secrets to success? It was a series of small steps, over many many years, always moving past fears. When I believed in my message and my ability, recognized that I didn’t have to do it all alone, got the support I needed, and practiced, practiced, practiced like crazy until I felt confident in my delivery, I finally had the courage to do something the shy girl didn’t believe was possible.

The best part is, I am now proud to call myself a public speaker, and I look forward to standing courageously to deliver my important message to larger audiences from this day forward. I am already booked at a venue in New York City in the fall.

As you can see, I am not more special than you. I just took risks and kept on going. If the shy girl can deliver a TEDx talk, what’s stopping you from achieving your goals and dreams?

The Five Love Lessons

Lesson #1: Don’t Blame Yourself
Most relationships are not meant to be for the long haul. Whether it’s the timing that’s off, a personality conflict, a long distance issue, or that your worldview differs, don’t blame yourself. That’s a waste of energy. Instead, figure out what you’ve learned. Breakups happen for a reason. Once you figure out the love lessons learned, you can apply that to your next relationship. That will make you a savvier dater, and your heart will not get broken as often.

Lesson #2: Pay Closer Attention to Red Flags
Each breakup teaches you about red flags. It’s important to learn to identify those red flags much sooner. For example, you wouldn’t have known about setting clear boundaries had you not been in a relationship with someone who didn’t respect them. Or you may not have known to stay away from a narcissist had you not been involved with one. Each relationship teaches you what you need in a mate. It also teaches you what you absolutely won’t tolerate in a future relationship. Once you apply the love lessons learned, you’ll pay much closer attention to red flags as they show up in future dates (and you won’t get your heart broken as often).

Lesson #3: Your Mate Won’t Save You
Unfortunately, Hollywood has perpetuated the myth of knights in shining armor and princes on white horses coming to save the day. In real life, your self-esteem attracts the quality of your mate. So, if your life is a mess, no one is going to save you or fix it. It’s up to you to work on getting your life together and raising your self-worth to attract the mate you deserve. I once dated a guy who said, “I don’t love myself. I was just hoping to find a woman to love me anyway.” While most people won’t be as blunt as that guy was, a lack of confidence is the biggest turnoff. So, if you’re not happy with an aspect of your life, take the steps to change it. Your confidence level will begin to soar, and that makes you magnetic to the right mate.

Lesson #4: Don’t Worry – Be Happy
You are the source of your own happiness. Too many people wait for others to fulfill them. So, when you realize that your prince or princess won’t show up to save you, your best bet is to figure out how to make yourself happy. You get to create a life you love. You get to be proactive and control the things you can, thereby making you a happier, more fulfilled person. When the right partner enters your life, you will both be independently happy, which will greatly increase your relationship success.

Lesson #5: Take Time to Heal
After a breakup, take time to heal. Take stock of the love lessons learned from that relationship. Take the time to figure out what makes you happy, and what will increase your confidence. Do the things you love. Don’t get into a rebound relationship, because you’ll probably keep dating the same person with a different face. How can you grow and learn if you’re constantly numbing yourself from pain by leaping into the arms of the next person? Taking time between breakups will make you much stronger and more resilient.

Are you taking stock of the love lessons learned from each date and each failed relationship? If you’re a good student of love, you’ll soon attract the love you deserve. What are you learning? Please share your stories below.

To grab a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now,” click here now.

How Did I Land a TEDx?

The short answer is: Five years of hard work.

The longer answer is: I walk almost every day with a good friend. One day, back in early December, I mentioned how much I loved Brenè Brown’s TED talk on the power of vulnerability. She said, “What’s TED?” I explained that TED was a non-profit organization devoted to ideas worth spreading. The anual TED conference is a prestigious event, and some of the top speakers in the world have delivered amazing speeches that have inspired me.

Two days later, my friend saw a post on her Facebook wall by a friend who was organizing a TEDx event. These are local TED events, which are organized all over the world. Her friend posted, ‘Do you know anyone who’s passionate about something? I’m looking for speakers for my TEDx conference in April.’

My friend, who would not have had a clue what a TEDx was, immediately thought of me, and she connected the organizer with me via Facebook messaging.

The rest is history. I submitted a proposal, it was accepted, and then I…FREAKED OUT!!

I was filled with tons of limiting beliefs:

1. How could I deliver a talk at such an important conference? I am not a seasoned speaker like everyone else at TEDx.
2. My ideas are not unique. They are not worth spreading. (That was a recurring sabotaging thought).
3. I am terrified of public speaking…without notes…with lights shining in my face…with cameras rolling…with 300 people in the audience. Yikes!!

And then I took a deep breath. And instead of shutting down, I asked myself, “In order to give the best talk I can give, what do I need to do?” “Oh, of course. I don’t have to do this all alone. I need to get support.”

So, I hired a speech coach. I worked with Debbie Fay of Bespeak Presentations. She helped me stay focused so I was able to stick to one theme (I have a tendency to see connections in everything, and had to work hard on taking things out of my speech to keep it clear).

I joined Toastmasters International, an organization devoted to helping people become effective speakers and better leaders.

I worked on my speech for four months, driving my friends and family crazy as I rehearsed in front of them, and edited again and again.

And then I rehearsed in front of Toastmasters, in front of a divorce support group, and in front of my wonderful friends again. Oh, and in front of the mirror, in the car, and in an empty stairwell.

I fought my fears. I stretched way beyond my comfort zone. And I triumphed. I was ready on Friday, even though I made huge edits the night before…at midnight!

How Overcoming Fears Can Improve Your Love Life

TEDx was a goal that was so far out of my comfort zone, I didn’t think I could do it. I was afraid of looking like a fool. I thought I’d forget my speech, my voice would shake, I’d look stiff and would sound flat and not be engaging.

I was the kid in school who was so quiet and reserved, I didn’t raise my hand. I was always shy. I got three words in the school play, and even that scared me.

So, this was a HUGE stretch.

Taking big risks and moving past your comfort zone can stretch you to places you never knew you could achieve. It grows your confidence by leaps and bounds, and it gets you ready for the next stretch.

You learn that you’re much more capable than you thought.

Confidence Will Improve Your Love Life

When you believe in yourself, you make much better choices in a mate. You attract better quality people into your life.

I was a victim of failed relationships for most of my life. I am a child of divorce. I got divorced myself. But I set out to learn how to have success at love and relationships this time around.

I researched how to be a better date, and most importantly, I learned how to be a better person.

I took risks; with online dating, by getting out and socializing with strangers, by moving past my comfort zone and attending singles events. I got out of my house, I tried new ways of meeting men, I learned how to improve my online dating techniques instead of giving up, blaming men, or shutting down.

And I got support. I hired a coach, I read books, I talked to friends.

Just like I did to prepare for my TEDx speech.

If the shy girl who moved past her paralyzing fear of public speaking can do a TEDx speech, you can move past your comfort zone when it comes to dating.

I hope you’ll be inspired to stretch yourself and do a few uncomfortable things in order to find love. It’s worth it!

What will you do today to stretch out of your comfort zone and find a loving relationship?

xoxo

Sandy

My heart is thumping out of my chest. I’m feeling a combo cocktail of excitement and fear. You see, I’m giving my first TEDx talk tomorrow. Exciting, right? Not only is it my first TEDx, it’s my first public speech without notes, in front of 300 people, with cameras rolling. Yikes!  Since my divorce, I’ve pushed myself way beyond my comfort zone. This has to be the furthest I’ve ever pushed. But I’m doing it. Because I have a message that I want to share, that I’m passionate about. I’m doing everything I can to prepare and be the best I can be as I get ready for my TEDx talk!

 Getting Ready for My TEDx Talk

My talk is very personal. It’s about my journey from being a guarded tough ‘I can do it all myself’ woman (who repelled the very men I was attracted to), to learning to unguard my heart and open to finding love again after divorce.

The talk is called “I Used to Live My Life as a Tootsie Pop”. Just like the classic lollipop has a thick outer layer surrounding its soft chewy center, I, too, had developed layer after layer of protection to guard my heart from the pain of many failed relationships.

It wasn’t until I became a dating coach that I really began to understand the importance of becoming vulnerable in my pursuit of love.

It was scary to unveil my heart. But it was the key to intimacy in all my relationships. I learned that to have true connection, I needed to learn new ways of relating to men.

I won’t give away the ending. I will post the video as soon as it’s live.

In the meantime, here’s the link for the live feed in case you want to watch it live tomorrow. I’m scheduled to go on at 11:45, but I have a feeling it will be later. Send loving thoughts to me : )

Oh, and the photo of me above? That’s me trying on different outfits with my image consultant, the wonderful Scarlett De Bease. She spent five hours with me on Monday, helping me go through my closet and come up with the best outfit for TEDx.

She also put together outfits that I would never have thought went together. That’s the magic of having an expert go through your closet. I’ve attached some photos of those outfits.

Asking for support was key to getting me through these past few months of fear around my TEDx speech. I hired a speech coach, joined Toastmasters, rehearsed in front of many audiences, and got lots of love and support from family and friends. It’s important to remember to ask for support, especially when you do something scary.

I’ve gotta go rehearse my speech, get my hair done, and get a manicure.

Please wish me luck. I could use all the support I can get!

What scary thing will you do today to push past your comfort zone? It may feel terrifying at first, but it will grow you beyond your wildest dreams. And don’t forget to ask for help.

xoxo

Sandy

Pay Attention to Those Red Flags

There are two different categories of red flags.

1. Some red flags are temporary. Some are signs that a guy is bad news for you right now. I said, bad for YOU, and right now, not necessarily a bad guy for all time. He might be a great guy, just not available for a relationship at this time. These red flags are only temporary. He’s separated. Rebounding out of a long relationship. Doesn’t have a job at this time. These are men you can keep in mind for another time. But don’t date them until the red flag is gone.

2. Some red flags are here to stay. These are the red flags you should pay careful attention to. They are danger signs. He isn’t that into you but sleeps with you anyway. He’s emotionally unstable. He’s a narcissist. He treats you poorly. He treats others poorly. He’s emotionally damaged and hasn’t worked on his issues. He sucks the life out of you, takes your money, etc. Walk away from men like this.

Pay attention to those red flags. Whether it’s something that may change with time or not, the important thing to remember is that they’re still red flags. They are waving in your face, telling you to stay away. Your gut knows it.

So, why do so many women ignore those red flags and hope that ‘things will turn around’?

Butterflies, chemistry, call it what you will, but when you’re attracted, it can mess with your head.  When you are so physically into a guy, your body releases what I like to call ‘stupid hormones’.  You know the ones that make you think you’re in love by date two? That feeling that you are soul mates (about three weeks into the relationship), and no matter what those little ‘glitches’ are (he’s 38 and still hasn’t moved out of his parents’ house? No problem!), you’ll work them out. Because you’re meant to be together. This is a relationship made in heaven.

More like hell.

Because if you ignore the negatives, you’ll be blinded by the ‘if-only’s. 

We’ll be a perfect couple, if only …

a. ‘he comes around to wanting kids like I do. When he falls for me, he’ll want kids, too.’

b. ‘he gets over his ex. I’m so amazing, I’ll make him forget her.’

c. ‘he practiced my religion. After he falls for me, he’s going to want to convert.’

And while there are some relationships where the above scenarios do turn around, it’s not the norm.

Most guys communicate in a much more simple fashion than us females. We analyze words. Men are more straightforward. They say what they mean.

Most men are not out to lie to you. They usually tell you the truth, often within the first conversation.

You choose to ignore him when he says, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.”

Of course, he might be saying this while he kisses you. You’re thinking, “He is kissing me like he IS ready for a relationship. I think he’s falling for me.”

Six months down the road, he’s still not ready for a relationship, but you’re hooked. And then it’s hard to get unhooked.

So before you hook up with a guy who is screaming ‘red flag’, pay close attention to those first few conversations. He means what he says. Don’t get caught up in magical thinking.

When you see those red flags, whatever they may be, don’t expect him to change. 

You’re better off finding someone who IS ready for a relationship.

You want someone who wants you as much as you want him. 

Go find him.

And keep your eyes wide open for those beautiful green flags!

To grab a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now,” click here now.

This quote, by Margaret Thatcher, captures the difference between me pre-divorce and post-divorce. Like many of you, I was a compromiser. In my desire to be loved, I morphed into something I barely recognized. I wanted peace at any cost. And in the process, I lost the essence of myself in my marriage. I was compromising too much in my relationship. The price for that was too high. It’s taken me five years to reclaim the woman hiding underneath all those layers of resentment and compromise. But she’s back, and I’ll share how I unveiled her.

Are You Compromising Too Much in Your Relationships?

Of course, relationships do involve some degree of compromise. You are a couple, and one of you can’t always be right. That’s not a partnership, but a power-over relationship, which is unhealthy. But there are ways in which you should never compromise.

1. Don’t compromise your values. In the past, I didn’t know how to take a stand for something important to me. Peace was more important to me than a healthy relationship. I lost myself in an effort to please others. Figure out your core values and stand by them. Make a list of your top five values. Then, next to each value, write any word that describes what that value means to you. Tack the list next somewhere where you’ll be able to look at it as often as possible. Don’t back down on those values.

2. Don’t give up on your dreams. I remember a pivotal moment in my marriage, where my husband and I had just wrapped up taping our Nickelodeon TV show. He is a comedian/puppeteer, and I was the head writer on the show. I had a blast taping the show with him. We were discussing my dreams, which were still unformed. He said, “You were just on national television. Isn’t that a dream come true?” “No”, I said. “It’s your dream come true, not mine. While I loved the experience of being part of this show, I have other dreams. I just don’t know what they are yet.” Don’t live someone else’s dream. Identify yours and live it.

3. Don’t let people step on your needs. Every time you advocate for your needs, you grow a little taller inside. I never quite knew how to finesse my self-expression, and I used to turn people off. I now know that there are skills involved in self-expression, and I’ve learned to identify and express what I’m feeling and needing.

If you’re compromising too much in your relationships, stop and change a few behaviors. When you advocate for your needs, identify and live your values, and live your dreams, you respect and honor yourself. That is the key in magnetizing love.

~

To grab a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now,” click here now.

xoxo

Sandy