There are midweek blues and weekend blues…

Blues at midday, blues before I sleep, and blues even in my sleep.

Only when I wake up do I feel slightly hopeful—

that today may be different.

That today I might catch a glimpse of some other color.

But then.. it is all covered in blues…

مؤخرا حاسة طول الوقت إني مضغوطة كإن في حاجة طابقة عليا بشكل كامل. مش قادرة أعبر عن حاجة. ومش عارفة أحس بإني حاسة حاجة.. والموضوع مالوش دعوة بس باللي بيحصل حوالينا.. أكيد دا جزء. بس جزء تاني إني أنا مش أنا. ومش قادرة أخبي أكتر من كدة على نفسي ومش قادرة أعرف أعمل إيه بالمعلومة دي.. ومش عارفة ألاقيني إزاي وإمتى وفين؟.. فاهمني؟

بزوق نفسي عشان أكتب لإني قررت إني لازم أكتب. أكتب عن أي حاجة.. أكتب كإن ماعنديش إختيار تاني. أكتب ولو إني مش عارفة أكتب إيه.. كإني بحاول أتشعبط بأي قشة وأسترجاها تسحبني حبة كمان.. وأدعي إننا نكون رايحين ناحية شاطيء ما..

أنا بس مش قادرة أكون أنا. ومش عارفة مين أنا. ومش عارفة أبدأ منين. وتفكيري ملخبط. وحاسة إني تعبانة وإني زعلانة وإني غضبانة وإني مرهقة وإني قلقانة وإني ندمانة وإني زهقانة.. زهقانة قوي. زهقانة من الوش اللي بلبسه لحد ما لزق فيا ومش عارفة أقلعه ولا فاكرة كان إيه تحته. وزهقانة من إني حاسة بوحدة مابتروحش في حتة ولا بيملاها ونس. وزهقانة من إني بعد على نفسي كل حرف وكل نفس. وزهقانة من إني بحاول أكفي يومي بيومه. وزهقانة من خوفي من بكرة وزهقانة من حنيني لزمان مابيرجعش. وزهقانة من زهقي.. وزهقانة من إني بكرر أفكاري في دواير بلا بداية أو نهاية.. وزهقانة من إني مش لاقية رد على “وبعدين؟”.. وزهقانة من إني بخبي نفسي عشان أبقى حاجة ترضي غيري بس مابترضينيش.. وزهقانة إني مش عارفة رد على وإيه يرضيني؟

معرفش الصداع دا مابيروحش ليه مع إني أخدت له مسكنات. ودي مش أول مرة تحصل لي.. نوبة صداع قوية ومابيفرقش معاها أي مسكنات. كإن جسمي عايز ينتقم مني لسبب ما.. وأنا تعبت من كل دا وعايزة أخلص كتابة عشان أنام..

مش متأكدة لو إني ح أبقى فخورة قوي باللي كتبته النهاردة.. وأتمنى أسيبه
مش عايزة أمسحه..

I tried to work on that some time ago, but usually, I get overwhelmed and move away from the idea. Who would actually need to expose themselves openly? Yet, to be completely honest, there is something captivating about the idea that I would trace the growth or changes within myself over the years. How did I turn from the girl I used to be to the woman I am now?

Almost all my previous trials have failed miserably, except this time. I kind of managed to work on the task slowly but surely, and I successfully managed to move some posts here. I don’t like it here much. I mean, it doesn’t feel like home to me, but for now, it is good enough. And good enough is indeed good enough, if you know what I mean.

I am trying to keep the original dates of the moved posts but keeping all of them in private mode. I don’t know if there will come a day when I’ll change them to public? I don’t know… we’ll see. There is no need to have answers to all lingering questions at once. The thought that my posts are in one place feels good already.

The one thing I regret is the comments. I really value them very much. But it is a pity that I might lose them all. However I tell myself, it is life. One can’t have everything, after all. So, good enough should be enough… and there’s no need to dwell on what I’ve lost, while I might congratulate myself on my success in doing something I’ve tried many, many times to do… and never reached anywhere except this year

Who cares really?..

It is for myself.

Yesterday my therapist gave me this bo2somata. She told me “You know, if I had a chance, I’d love to meet Eman the blogger version of yourself. She sounds interesting.”. I replied “Yes, me too“.. She then asked “then why do you want to cut her off your life?“.
Do I?..
Her question took me by surprise. Perhaps that was one of them most meaningful questions I heard in the many months I’ve been visiting her. It got me thinking, and I love a good question that makes me think. And so till now, I am still thinking..
Why?
“I don’t know.” I answered her question eventually.
So she continued “You know that it’s your first time to mention her to me, as if you killed her.“. I did not respond. She continued “I think she wants to be out sometime, may be that’s why you feel bored most of the time.”..

Every once in a while I had a theory that visited me, entertained my thoughts for sometime then disappeared. Recently I came to realize that I am enchanted by “words” above any other thing. I can love a song solely for it’s lyrics, even if I don’t like it’s music very much. Words are what inspire me to draw. So I can have a painting only to emulate a quotation I’ve heard or read, or a thought that passed me by. I love to keep fragments of paragraphs I read, which had an impact on me – even if they got to do nothing with my current life. I just live words, and I love those I can have a real conversation with. It is as if I can’t love someone I can’t converse with openly and maturely. And perhaps that was the reason why I loved blogging that much?
It is not an everyday thing to find someone, or some outlet, where you can throw out whatever afloat in your mind and get back feedback.. or even not. But as least, deep in your heart you’d get a feeling that someone somewhere will read your words and the universe will make the response reach you somehow..

They said that facebook is the reason behind the death of blogging, but I believe it is twitter to be honest. It feels as if we are all hiding behind a fast paced world to stop facing meaning. As if we are hiding from what is inside of us to share on the surface memes or shallow “tweets”.. And I guess I’ve fallen into that trap myself. It felt like building connection”s” with people.
But was it?
I would not say twitter or facebook make me feel lonelier. That won’t be true, or maybe it is. I don’t know.. But they in fact made me someone else..
So why did I wish to kill the blogging version of myself? I still wonder..

I answered her in a wimp “writing felt intense. Trolls were everywhere. People were quite focused on my life, and it felt as if I am giving them a chance“. She answered “And so?“..
I don’t know.
She said “I hope to hear her say her opinions loud, excitements, fears and hopes again.“

I am grateful to having this conversation now. While I am in the middle of searching for answers to some questions, facing few fears and trying to explore a new life.

But here I am again. Saying goodbye to one year and welcoming another. Admiring a new white hair strand above my head and loving my wrinkles around my eyes when I smile. I mean, I would not see it every time I do, but in my head I can imagine them happy little wrinkles.. standing there on my face to tell the world that I’ve lived through those years.. I also love noticing them on people’s faces. It feels familiar for people of my age. As if, we belong to the same cult, and have some secrets not many are aware of (Remember Y2K :P)

Speaking of which, for the first of times I feel OKay growing old. I mean, this year was a year I felt that I’ve really let go of some hopes and dreams and I am totally and absolutely fine with that. It made me feel suddenly freeier. In fact, I am kinda loving it. And it makes me feel warm. This year was a good one, despite all the sudden and unexpected changes that happened on the personal front. Perhaps that was the reason why it felt better, because I had no time to overthink. That made me feel that life is quite beautiful actually, and it will never fail to surprise me.

January:
Although my birthday was one of my worst, yet January will remain my 2nd favorite month in the year. On my birthday there was a 3rd currency devaluation, I got rejected in one interview, escalated in a project and my mother was pissed at me. Yet, thankfully my brother managed to made the day better.
During this month, I also managed to do some nice stuff. I visited Port Said. There was some floating library or something of the sort. It was not a very good experience, but I enjoyed the day and the company alot none the less.
I also managed to get some Felouka rides in the Nile, and managed to drag myself into ER. My first time, due to some food poisoning or something. No one knows.
I also managed to renovate the floor for my studio, and visited Royal Palaces in Cairo.

February:
The highlight was treasure hunt in Old Cairo. I enjoyed the day alot. Exceptional experience.
I finished building my huge library at last, and created my cozy reading corner. It’s a pity though that I was not so lucking with reading this year. So little time, but long live audiobooks
I started playing padel with a group of friends, and also started searching for a dress to attend my brother’s wedding.

March:
It was a quite month. Still was not lucky finding a dress. But with Ramadan starting, it was as well difficult to do anything. Oh, and I also got rejected in another job and another.. and another and another..

April:
I had some nice Iftars with my work colleagues (that was the final event for my company), another with my Escape friends in Azhar park, another with my friends in my studio, and some with our extended families. We got a chance to try the famous Breadfast konafa.
I worked a little more on the wedding preparations. And had my bookclub friends in my studio (or so I like to call them, although they are not until December)

May:
Lots of Ikea visits with NG. Lots of cookies tasting. A beautiful dress appears suddenly. I find it, I buy it and I try it out in less than 2 days and it fits perfectly!! Apparently beautiful things are worth the wait
Lovely coffee mornings with friends. And the big day.. my brother’s wedding. It was one hell of a great day. I love love loved it, and everybody was happy!

June:
Cinema nights with our neighbors were superb. lots of popcorn and goofie movies.
I drew the first portrait that I like using watercolors.
Our precious air fryer was added to our house collection.
I changed my job to one of those I got rejected from earlier. Again, unexpectedly!
More padel, and more outdoor drawing in public parks..
Also, I got accepted in a CS master’s program, and for the first time in my life – I had somewhat a solid idea for what I want to do in my life!! (But wait for that line..)

July:
The weather was getting better, which means, more flouka rides and more the Nile.
Yet another visit to the ER this year. It was for my mother. Hamdullah all went well.
A trip to Ismailia in over 45 degrees hot to collect ripe mango and eat fresh fish..
15: A walk in Masr el gedida – discovering old palaces in elKorba
29: A walk in down town – discovering hidden places and do some local food tasting..

August:
I started selling some old stuff, to leave room for new stuff.
Returned back to therapy.
I got myself my 2nd visit to ER this year. And not only once, but twice in a row! Apparently I was again infected by an unknown virus, no one knew what was that..

September:
Another trip to Alareesh. It was lovely. Such hidden beauty. The city was closed for 10 years, and the people were happy having us there. They were doing everything possible to show us how happy they are..
There I met a woman who have a strong story of changes. Talking to her was inspiring and insightful. Our conversation about accepting change within us and around us, never leaves my mind since that moment.
This month I had multiple outings with friends and colleagues I have not seen for so long. It feels really good meeting familiar faces.
I started “The Artist’s way” reading group.

October:
More friendly visits and outings with friends.
Renovating curtains for my studio.
Attending short movie marathon in our art studio.

November:
Visiting Saeed Maadool’s art gallary with an old friend.
Attending a workshop in the AUC for how to preserve old memories. That one was fun!
Going out again with NG and having rain on our heads.
Buying my standing desk.
Our company was bought by some other company and rumors that we might lose our jobs..

December:
Bam! 2023 ended on a high note. A month where things changed and I needed to -again- do a replan
Remember the solid idea I had for my future life (I mentioned in June above?).. Okay! that all changed. Apparently, we are still uncertain about our future in our company. That’s for one. So I need to play along to see what will they do with us. Second, in less than a month, I got myself in some personal Tadbesa. That is a long term commitment I never thought I’d be dragged into it without giving it too much thought. But I feel so lucky! I also reached the conclusion that my heart is not into the masters program, and so I just cancelled it. And I started book club with the gang I mentioned above under April. Our first book is “The Myth of Normal”.

I’ve been planning alot for 2024, and had a vision in my head that I was working towards, and then Bam December is here and all of a sudden, literally things changed in a blink of an eye. It was also the month where I was announced free of some health condition I was diagnosed with for some years Isn’t it great?!

In general, I think I like 2023. I might even call it one of my favorite years. It is the year I prioritized myself. I also insisted on what I want, against other’s will. It was the year I broke some patterns, and built fences against few triggers..

Things I am looking forward to in 2024:
Make art. Mark art. Make art!
Keep following my heart. It knows best!
Do more of what makes me happy, against my fears and last min change in mind.
Start my own business, or at least start making money with my skills in a not 9-5 format
Adopt a healthy life style, play more sports and lose weight (target to reach 65 kilos, should be fine)
Continue the Tadbesa from December.

But above all, I just hope that next year would be the year I finally meet myself.. and meet him. And that we both find in each other friendship and companionship. And that we know how to hold our hands to continue the remaining years in grace.. And I know that we will

Happy New year to me, and to anyone passing by here. I am not sure why I don’t blog often. I miss it. And I miss lovely strangers I knew along the way.
Come here again!

Uncertainty, I’m starting to realize, doesn’t mean the loss of hope – it means there’s possibility. i don’t know what will happen next – how potentially exciting! I’m going to figure out how to make the most of the life I have, illness or not, partner or not, the march of time notwithstanding.

جاي على بالي دلوقت صوته لما في مرة قال “ح تفضل قلوبنا تتكسر، مرة بعد مرة.. لحد ما نتعلم مانتعلقش بأي حاجة أو حد غير ربنا..”

وهو عنده حق..