Miss Late July

I WANT TO MAKE GOOD LIFE CHOICES.

2012-05-18T00:06:00.000-04:00

Ever been insanely busy but incredibly quiet? I have.

It's not that I'm laying low, it's just the way things feel, quiet, drama free (for me anyways), kind of just keeping things stable as can be (for me anyways).

Some serious decisions to make in June.

I'm not looking forward to it and I'm not not looking forward to it.

Catch my drift?

I know of a little kid, maybe 4 or 5, who acts out a lot. He'll throw food at your face or call you an adult swearword. When he is disciplined he runs away screaming this:

I WANT TO MAKE GOOD LIFE CHOICES.

Can you imagine a 4 year old crying and screaming that?

That's how I feel. Everytime people ask me about my life I just want to scream

I WANT TO MAKE GOOD LIFE CHOICES.

And run away.

Or something like that.

It's not easy always knowing what is right or wrong, but you kind of have to think of how the end result will make you feel and how you want to feel. Good life choices, they don't always feel good or feel like much. But they can be.

Plant the seeds in your life for good things.

Pick good people who make you feel loved, safe and respected.

Live in a space that makes you feel welcome, secure and comfortable.

Work that makes you feel like you're a part of something.

If you can have all of that, then I think you've got a pretty darn good life.

Some of us however, are still working on our...

GOOD LIFE CHOICES.

Nobody really cares if you're miserable.

2012-05-16T22:21:00.001-04:00

I thought tonight I'd pass on some good advice I received about three years ago when I was having hard time moving forward.

We all get roughed up and can think 'down'. What does that mean? Thinking down is always thinking on the negative. Negative Nancy. Downer Debbie. So forth and so on. I get it, I do, it's easy to spiral into the what went wrong, recounting everything little thing that was said or did that hurt you.

The advice that was given to me was this.

Stop.
Grab a pen and piece of paper.
Write.

And no, don't write about how awful things are and how thinking about the bad stuff is like emotionally chewing tinfoil. Instead take the thing that's REALLY bothering you (admit it to yourself first, of course) and spin it. Pitch it to yourself. If you were really mad about how some girl left you down in the dumps, crushed your heart, chewed it up and spit out. Write about the opposite. Write about the 'right girl'. What she's like. What she looks like. Yes even her eye color. What makes her cool. Does she bring you cupcakes ~~(I love cupcakes I will reference them where ever possible)~~ does she make you feel like a million dollars when she walks into a room?

Write.

Hate your job? Hate how things are going? Write about your dream job. Write about how it makes you feel, even if you aren't quite sure what your dream job does. It's how you feel that counts.

So if you're having a nasty crap time with things. Write it how you want it to go. Every time you feel the 'poor me's' coming on, just write it out how you want it to play out. No doubt it helps.

Once you know your ups from downs, go in the right direction. No one cares if you're a sorry Sally or a sad Harold. So why not be happy? :)

Half of them think it's never going to work out, the other half believe in magic.

2012-05-15T23:58:00.000-04:00

I'm approximately 2 weeks away from completely my new record "When The Curtain Falls." Oh and how it has fallen. I have no grand overview of how I expect things to go. I do expect unexpected things that I could have never guessed to happen, because... they always do.

I have a tremendous amount of support from the people who read this blog, come to my shows and say really cool things about my music.

I've been "Late July-ing" for three years now. I can hardly believe I'm on record number three, I never thought I'd get through the first one.

My champion has been the great Adrian Ellis, who has been nothing short of a miracle worker. There are a few times in your life you will meet someone and they will be a game-changer. They are usually wonderful, talented, intelligent people who will do one thing to change your life - believe in you.
Not lie to you, not blow sunshine in your ears, or tell you the sky is purple. No. They will simply see you for who you are, where you are going, and facilitate where they are heading. Those good people, are game-changers. Value you those people in your life. As sad as it is to say, they don't come along often.

We all need to believe a little much. My favorite movie right now is beginners and there is a quote from it that goes:

"Half of them think it's never going to work out, the other half believe in magic."

I'd rather believe in magic than nothing. Why not? Life is full of disappointments, so why not have some fun at it.

Recently several friends in relationships have expressed 'troubles.' Once so wildly in love, now on the brink of total breakdown.

My advice is this: Believe in magic.

I used to be the person who when unhappy, would walk away. I suppose I have no other examples to prove I am no longer like that. But when something good comes your way, be thankful, cherish it. Sure, be wise, don't get hurt, or fooled or lie to yourself. But when you find someone who will show up at 2am to a hospital to be by your side, or bring you a cupcake when you've had a bad day - value you them.
And if things don't work out, if all your cherishing, apprizing and adoration falls on deaf ears, still believe. For every failed relationship, think of it as a once in a lifetime chance to get close to one person on this planet of millions and millions of people. That's pretty special. Sometimes people get it right on the first try, others, get to experience more than one person. And that's pretty unique too.

Just don't give up, see it through. I wish I had taken my own advice so many times ~~*shakes finger at self; accidentally pokes self in eye*~~

And magic doesn't just apply to relationships. It applies to passion. Game-changers can be people. They can be career opportunities. They can be a record. It can be anything.

Just believe that there is something/someone/somewhere out there for you. Trust me, no matter what you are looking for, if you keeping walking in the right direction, all you have to do is keep walking.

Ya dig?

Don't forget I'm still trying to scrap together the end pieces to the record. Feel free to repost or donate here!

Vote on the cover of my new record!

2012-05-14T09:30:00.000-04:00

Deciding on the cover album is no easy choice. It's not a matter of what looks good but also what represents the music and of course that 'wow' factor that makes everything feel like it's coming together. So I thought I would put it to some people to vote. I didn't bother with text placement since that's a whole other ballpark on it's own.

Shot in my parents basement, the yellow painting you see is a thrift shop find in Seattle, sometime around the early 90s. Always loved the painting and was happy to make it a part of the photos.

So? what's your vote?

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Good News & Bad News For Late July

2012-05-13T20:26:00.001-04:00

There is good news and there is bad news.

Good news:
The record is almost ready.

Bad news:
I've hit a financial snag.

While I didn't hit my original target when I did fundraising this winter, I was hoping to just go out of pocket with the record. The support has been wonderful and just because we don't get what we want, doesn't mean we can't make it happen.

The money I had allotted out of my personal savings is going to go towards Charlie's unexpected surgery. Vet bills are costly and while I used to have insurance for him, he had too many prior illnesses it precluded his coverage. It's left things in a stressful state.

When it rains it pours right?

Right. So I thought I'd put this out into the universe. I know some people didn't get to donate when they wanted to, and this time I've added a twist. Anyone who donates $50 or more will get their name on the liner notes!

It's also your chance to buy a pre-release copy of the record and more. And those who donated I am mailing out all your goodies once the record is completed - and yes, you will get them!

So dear universe, help a songstress who wants to do nothing but make and listen to good music in her life. Oh and hug her dog. So click below and if you can't donate, will you repost for me ? :)

It's also Charlie's birthday today. He's turning 8, and I am hoping to get my Mojo (his newest nickname) healthy and living/loving another 8 years.

*Charlie's first surgery is May 25th by the way, will post updates and hope that biopsies are negative

Intoxicated by the romance of the unusual.

2012-05-10T23:12:00.000-04:00

Someone explained men to me tonight: "We don’t know what we want, because we don’t know what we’re feeling. We don’t know what we’re feeling because we don’t know how to interpret emotions. We’re prone to misinterpreting what we’re feeling, what you’re feeling, everything. But the same inability makes us scared."

Don't suffer because of someones indecision.

This time I might just disappear.

2012-05-09T23:44:00.000-04:00

Instead of talking about my record, which is ALMOST done... here's some people I know that influence me. Big time.

I've known some of the Elwins since they were little and brought me mixed CDs to my work. They were originally Honey For the Bears (reportedly) and I helped them with their first myspace page. Oh how the times changed.

What I bet you didn't know is that I co-wrote the title track "When The Curtain Falls" with the very cool Matthew Sweeney. I hope to write more with him or the band or whatever. They are talented peoples. Take a listen. Any of there stuff is good. They do these crazy cool videos, and have a quirky sense of humor that will charm your sox back into their drawer, ya dig?

So there's this dude in Texas and I've known him since Gr. 9 He's kind of a bit of an influence on me, sending me music, giving me some serious insider advice and sometimes I just swear at him instead of giving justifiable responses to questions like How are you? or How's your day? That's just how I roll. Anyway he's this really talented artist called MYSTERY SKULLS (to be said in an ominous old man voice). And if you have downloaded his EP you should. I've listened to it a bajillion times because I got it long before its release. Plus it's a dollar. And he really sucks cause even though he's released a killer EP he still writes and puts out random tunes that get better and better. It's mostly why I swear at him so much. So talented. So good. MYSTERY SKULLS y'all. I hope to actually sit down and write a bunch of tunes with him. Would be rad. But for now. Listen:

Distance is just another test.

2012-05-08T23:51:00.001-04:00

I saw a picture today that really moved me the way that art should. I won't go into detail but it was just some random hazy green picture of two people.

It's amazing the bounds that we form in life. The ones that remain and the ones that fade to black. We come into contact with thousands of people a day we personally meet about half of that, and probably in an average lifespan speak to or connect (albiet online or otherwise) with 100's of thousands of people. Makes you scratch your head a bit.

There are over 6 billion people on this planet at any given time. That used to make me think that everything was just a habit, that who we meet and why we meet them were just to do with proximity, social nurturing and just an expectation of time/location etc. But I don't think that way anymore. I have had too many experiences to know that our connections to each other are a bit more than some sociological experiment.

We can draw lines and correlations to why people stay in your life and why people can't. We grow. We change.

This little tidbit from Huffington Post really got me thinking today:

80% of life's most defining decisions are made by age 35.

70% of lifetime wage growth happens in the first ten years of a career.

More than half of Americans are married, or are dating or living with their future partner by age 30.

The brain caps off its last growth spurt in our 20s.

Personality changes more in our 20s than any time before or after.

The decisions I am making in my life today, and everyday are going to have a strong impact on the years to come. Statistically speaking of course. It makes me want to be more calculated, clever, have the 'upper hand' but I know it's not that simple.

We are all ruled by instinct, creativity and logic. Those don't always mash well together. But at the end of the day you have to curate your life. Step back and go "No no that won't work" "Oh I know better now to go back to that area" or "Pretzels make me thirsty, I hate being thirsty, let's get rid of the pretzels."

I WANT TO MAKE GOOD LIFE CHOICES.

Or so those words echo in my ear from a distraught four year old I met once. We all want to make good life choices. We don't want to leave the people out of our life that should be in and vice versa. We don't want to leave the places, careers, those choices when we should have stayed.

If life is a game of "Stop, Go" then eventually our engines give out and tell us where to stay. That's kind of fatalistic.
~~Scratch that.~~

If life is like a game of "Red Rover" then Red Rover, Red Rover, we call the universe over... and hope that the good decisions we make reward us well and the wrong turns we took, well they'll bring us back around to who/what/where we need to be.

I know you didn't roll your eyes at me, you just needed to look at the ceiling quickly.

Blindfolded in the dark,

2012-05-07T23:44:00.000-04:00

I think the secret is, putting yourself out there; and more over doing that well. It's not easy, we're all learning. I value strange things in life, like a sharing a joke or funny occurrence with a stranger, or some other random happening. We are all not so different, it's just hard to calibrate us all together.

When I look at successful people I admire, they all share one common quality persistence. They put themselves out there again and again. Ridiculed not celebrated, early work was bad work, but it got better. It has to get better. Even people who put out total and utter garbage - and trust me, they are out there - still get the results they want cause they tried, they were willing to make a fool of themselves.

So there's this constant insecurity, especially in arty/creative fields where you think Am I doing this right? Am I doing this right? No one can tell me? Then I have to know everything instead! Or at least I think creative people give that impression and I've been told I do. But I don't feel like that at all. Being creative to me is like being blindfolded in the dark. Insult to injury on an already confusing road.

"I think most of the creative people are so damn insecure that they want to think they know everything, but they know deep in their hearts they're just in deep trouble from the minute they get up in the morning. So if you can tell them "that's what you're supposed to be", that's kind of liberating." Dan Wieden

It's true. We give and give what we can, those of us who put ourselves out there, do it because it's natural. And I hope that those of you who keep to themselves, do it because that's natural too. I've met some amazing people in my life, and I hope to continue to do so. But the ones who hide and hide, I have to fight the urge to scream PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. And sometimes I find those people have weird reasons for doing it, like some strange drug habit or fear of rejection because such and such happened to them once upon a time.

The greatest people in history didn't know what they were doing. Picasso didn't know he was going to be a cubist painter. Churchill didn't know he was going to lead a country through near destruction.

You can wake up in the morning and be whatever you want, if.. that's what you want to be.

Whoever you are, where ever you are hiding, what whatever reasons - I respect it, but I sometimes I'd wish you'd stop and join the party. You might learn to have a different kind of fun.

Kisses.

xoxo.

Let your weird be wonderful.

2012-05-06T23:46:00.002-04:00

A big part of being an artist, or anything in life, is just - showing up. Show up, do your best, learn, do better, learn more, do even better, take risks, love life, hate life, find a middle ground or at least a way to appreciate the higher the highs the lower the lows, and you'll have some sort of end result.

I just feel so weird this weekend like something changed but I can't quite put my finger on it. Drums were tracked, violins & cellos, sax's and so forth all recorded - but I didn't need to be there because I wasn't playing anything I had worked out the parts before hand, and I have an amazing talented producer who oversees everything for me - it kind of took me by surprise.

I like to beat up on myself that I don't do everything that I'm too much a writer, not enough a performer, too much a theorist, not enough a technical musician... and I don't know why. I enjoy writing. I enjoy playing what I play and how I play it. I think that's why it works. Not that I don't believe in challenging myself but at the same time I'm not going to force my hand and turn something I love into something I loathe. But for some strange reason I still feel like I should do more and also feel like that's spreading myself thin and that I should just take challenges as they naturally arise rather than going after some idea of what an artist should or shouldn't be.

I've been living between two places for the last while something that seems to just happen for me. Feeling very transient all the time, excellent at packing suitcases (sometimes) and planning life ahead (also see: sometimes). I find it a hard balance to level the physical and with brain. If I go out I feel better, I laugh, I enjoy myself, but then I feel like I should be exercising, making healthy dinners (yet to be defined), and getting extra sleep. I would love a happy balance where I could manage both. But I go to work, and then try to mash the other stuff in there: my music, my dog, social, feed my brain, feed myself, stretch... and all that.

It's again balancing these expectations of yourself, with what you need, and what you really need. Sometimes it's a hug and a sandwich. Sometimes it's to shut off the internet and all electronic devices and bike through the woods. Or sometimes you need to go and buy a couple of glitter and kitty masks for no reason, except to hope you find friends who share the same sense of fun and urban whimsicalness you do. Are you out there? Where's people sense of play these days? Being playful while sober - now there's something special.

Collating it all together isn't easy and something that I don't expect to get easier, but rather become better at it. And if I need to buy a bunch of masks to feel better about things I feel unsettled about then so be it.

Let your weird be wonderful.
Or something like that.

Lovers names, carved in walls.

2012-05-03T23:51:00.000-04:00

Screwing around with snapshots from a photoshoot I did in my parents basement for the album cover. Picking the right cover isn't an easy job, especially when it's got your face on it :)

Today piano was laid down and recorded. Saturday and sunday orchestral arrangements and drums recorded. I spent the evening fiddling on the guitar, writing new songs, as I do, when I'm almost done a new record.

Who knows what's next? I have plans I'm going to put into motion but I'm trying not to over do it. Don't want to burn out and all that.

With my personal the emptiest it's been since high school, I'm enjoying the project of finding new things to write about. It's easy to write about a boy. They do stupid things, and un-calculated acts of art it makes it easy to compare, contrast and create. Each record feels like a metaphorical etching a lovers initials into a tree, a bench, a fence post... but with my pinache for neurotic, eccentric men, it's time to shift focus elsewhere. I'm just not sure where. There are more love songs than any other type of songs in the world, I see no harm in adding to the insurmountable pile. But I can't help think there's more to write about than my petty, quiet, personal life.

I don't want to write about politics. Especially Canadian politics and I'm not quite sure I want to make everything up either. I'll find something to write about, or I'll just write about nothing.

As Frank Zappa said:

"A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians."

I'll see what I'll pull out of midair.

In the meantime I should have some videos to share. First goes to the donators and then I will post for everyone else. Should be interesting whatever I come with.

So sit tight. Stay tuned. The new record will emerge... a date.. I shall name.. sometime. Soon.

And for now I'll keep dreamin' and schemin'

For there are better songs to be written, greater stories to be shared... perhaps I should just focus on living.

No-fun-Nicole isn't a very good nickname now is it?

Much love to all those people who support my music, my blog, my social ramblings and endeavours there in. I may not know most of you who read and listen, but thanks for continuing to check in on my oh so constant adventures

:)

All day long she's waiting for the night to ask her out.

2012-05-02T23:35:00.001-04:00

Sometimes we don't know what the hell we're doing. That's most of the time for most of us. As things in my life reshape I try not to play fortuneteller. Trying to hold onto things for as long as I can - happy continuity. I don't want to be a nice person, I want to be a good person. Those are not the same things.

Since November I've been ridden with the whole 'do the right' thing. Not just for others, but for myself. I won't lie. It sucks. It's boring. My phone has never been so quiet. Everything is so complacent with boundaries and regulations. It makes me wonder what I'm missing out on, or whether or not this can just be filed under personal growth.

I don't want to do right, I just want to do good. Superman style and what not. If I seem very focused on myself, it's because I am. It's because I have to be. It's too easy to get swept up in other peoples glory, sorrow or happenings therein. I suppose I am one of those people that just doesn't trust people like I once did. I wouldn't say it's because of the "awful" things that have been done/said/thought but more because I know myself better. I definitely fear getting too involved with someone, I've never really had that experience where someone truly gives back. I just feel like I give and give and give, and the unbalanced nature feels draining and neglected. It's hard moving forward thinking that everyone is going to take what makes you sparkle, right out of you.

I think back to this fall a lot. Something was haunting about it. Whether it was the oddly bare east Toronto streets, or confusion that could never be clarified. It sits in a little box in the back of my brain, spilling over time to time. It's funny how periods in ones life can do that; spill over.

I am always evaluating what I do, how I do it, what I say, how I say it and who I say it to. What I can do better, and what it is I should do. Where am I not taking the risks to get what it is that makes me sleep better at night.

It was a dark winter and the only thing that made me happy was imaging summer nights in Toronto. Wandering through a Saturday night, place to place, meeting different people, having a partner in adventure, to get into the cleanest kind of trouble and in the morning feel so tired that a sleepy Sunday serves everyone well.

We can't all fall in love with Saturday night.

The weather warms and I prepare to prepare. Stay organized. Stay focused. Keep the blinders on, and don't pay attention to who watches you in the reflection of the glass.

I'd like to think I'm aware of who I am, what I do, and what I intend to be - but sometimes I sorely doubt that. If we keep striving for these ideas, we'll likely sidestep into another existence.

This summer may not be what I want it to be. In fact I think this year is going to be nothing but hard work and keeping a stiff upper lip. But I'll slide the laughter in there somewhere, I'll swear to myself I'm not that boring, that I am in fact the quintessential manic pixie dream girl that so many sorry screenwriters attempt to capture on paper re: film.

I'm not. I'm just a girl with a blog, making a record, hugging her dog, hoping for the best. I really am. Things turn around all the time.

For all the moments the rug gets pulled from beneath, there are times it carefully, albeit, slowly, gets put back beneath your feet - and you can call it a day.

Or whatever you want.
It's your life.
Live a big one.

Call me when you get to where you're going.

2012-05-01T23:50:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had a permeating feeling that no matter what decision you make it doesn't feel like the right decision? It's this feeling that I can't shake, no that's not right, and no that's not right. Has my intuition up and died on me - is this a sign of old age?

The only thing I can reason this feeling is that timing isn't right for 'things'. Ambiguous as that sounds, the frustrating part is these are 'basic' things. Things people take for granted. Everything seems easier when someone else has it or is doing it or whatever it is. But it's not - nothing is easy and if it is you should be strongly suspicious about this 'easy' business. I know I am.

But holy hell, sometimes you just want things to fall into place. If my life is a series of false starts and early endings, that has to amount to something major at some point - right? right?

I'm enjoying my life despite that weird lingering feeling of not quite. Okay so I'm almost enjoying my life.. I kid, I kid. Things are good, especially compared to where I was. I cut out the fat aka the BS, booted some people, kicked myself in the shin and called it a day.

Don't expect things to get easier they say, just expect them to get better...

I'm inclined to agree.
Almost, anyway :)

Keep travelling on, when the time is right, I suppose that feeling will just disappear and things can reappear or just appear. Or whatever. I'll drop you a line when it happens.

Call me when you get to where you're going.
Pretty much the most caring thing someone who can't be in your life can say.
Sometimes it's good to send out a smoke signal, to let those that watch, know you're alright.

Nobody Girl

2012-04-30T23:56:00.001-04:00

Rehearsing tonight for the big upcoming studio sessions. Going over the drum parts making sure everything jiffs and jives - so far, so good. So close to being done. Martin, the guy who played drums on my last record did such a great job that I got him back this time. Lucky me. I luck out with the musicians I get to play on my records.

Pretty much exactly 25 days until I cross the finish line of this record and can say 'I'm going to Disneyland!' or what I'll really say is 'Burritos and Ghostbusters for all! Plus brownies with sprinkles! Rootbeer!' Less effective. Sentiment remains.

The next thing on my mind is setting a release date and the oh so strenuous release show. It would be easy to say "Into the universe with you, record!" and watch my album fly away carried in lace by two doves. This does not in fact happen and you should ask for your money back if someone tells you it will. Aren't homing pigeons a blast though?

I know that I'll be playing a lot more again but I want to do something different. My need to complicate things lies in my innate appetite for conflict resolution. Nom nom nom. Let's break something to fix it - this is healthy! Right? Right? Validate me.

Today was one of those days from 7am to 11pm I'm working or going somewhere. Trudging through the rain to stand outside locked studios, picking up photos, trying to remind myself what a full meal looks like. Creative survival mode.

Anytime I start to complain I remind myself of the end goal and if really a little bit of awkward and uncomfortable is that bad compared to the boredom of a couch.

I remind myself that half the battle is showing up. Even if you don't know what you're showing up to it's still better than not showing up at all. And when I start to gripe about being crappy at this, or crumby at that I asked myself if I actually showed up to do the work, and the answer is no.

I know I have to make some changes and start setting aside more time to improve the things I want to improve. Usually that means artistically, but I also need to buck up and put some time aside for my body. I get away with a lot but I know it'll catch up to me one day. For now I'm looking at a rehearsal space for once or twice a week. Write. Rehearse. Tap dance et cetera.

I'm also starting a secret project which is code for I'm not sure this is going to work out but I'm excited if it does, so I won't give any more info than that in case I fall flat on my face and smack my teeth but I will allude to it regardless because I seem loads cooler that way. Taking things to 'the next level' as people I want to punch in the face often say. It's time to improve, not worry about age, time, money, budget, feelings, mutuations, ninja turtles... just show up, do the work and see what I come up with, ya dig? ~~By the by I think this is 'secret project' #7 at this point. Many a flubbed secret this part of town.~~

Now here's a video of me drumming. It' been a couple years since I've been behind a kit. I used to play a lot as a teenager, now... not so much :) Narration by Adrian.

Cause I know I've seen you before Won't you shine A little light On us now

2012-04-29T23:39:00.001-04:00

I can't remember if I wrote this on here or not, but I will reiterate that the new record is called "When The Curtain Falls" aka WTCF.

OMG like that's so WTCF.

Not quite.

It's crunch time over here in the land of Late July. Heading into a big fancy studio to record drums, violins, a cello, and foot stomping. Somewhere around there piano too. It'll be busy but it will be worth it. Legacy people, work on your legacy.

I often shamelessly wonder if I'll have children one day, and further to that grandchildren, and if they will be embarrassed, ambivalent, or a little proud of ol' grandmas records. I think it's good to have a 'legacy' even if it's just music. Do you ever think about what your legacy is? I love family history, tall tales, and all that. If I ever get married I'm going to embellish stories and start legendary family rumours about my spouse that I hope carry down generations.. you know.. just for fun :)

When I came home late last night a certain someone was up and ready for 'night time nuzzles'. I think he learned this from a friend who showed up drunk yelling "NUZZLES!" one time, because Charlie never used to do it until last year (Charlie however rarely shows up drunk. Only when he's had a bad day at the park yelling "GET ME MY CHEETOS BITCH") This usually involves me lying on the floor and Charlie, I mean, the unnamed, will rub his head back and forth against your head, while making cute snorting noises. It's pretty much one of the greatest feelings in my books. But I noticed that a small growth on his back had gotten bigger and figured I should get it checked out.

Turns out he has two tumors, sadly not cysts, on his back along his spine. They will have to be removed and biopsied, which pains me to think of him having surgery even if minor. This I was okay with and could deal with. What I was not prepared to handle was his blood tests yielding him hypoglycaemic. Which is fairly uncommon in dogs, though usually caused by a tumor around the pancreas, usually cancerous but would explain the onslaught of seizures he's had in the past 6 months.

My heart broke a little.
The thought of it gets me teary eyed so don't bring it up in person. I will get all weird and emotional EVEN if you don't get the whole 'dog thing'.

Charlie will be turning 8 years old on May 13th. A dog his size can live 16 to 20 years and I've been banking on that. Charlie is my confident, best friend, nuzzle buddy, angry little man and more over my 'miho'. He's left my life once before and wasn't even supposed to be in my life to begin with, so I'm not risking anything.

He'll get the best of care, the most nuzzliest of nuzzles and if on his birthday he wants 'steak and cheetos', well.. I'll see what I can do. He really hates the water but loves boats (because they fight water in his world) so I'll try to see what I can conjure up in terms of boats, steak and cheetos...

List of Charlie's current nicknames include but are not limited to:
Sir Nuzzleton
Woodgy Monster
Miho
Mr. Ooba Gooba
Charlie CharChar
Chuckleroni
Doo-doo bear.

Yes I just embarrassed myself.

He was at my feet when I wrote my first record, and he was at my feet when I wrote this record. A crucial component to songwriting, a quiet dog should be in the background of every record.

Always be thankful for those that remain in your life. Even if they have to leave and come back, leave come back, and leave and come back again, nuzzle those ones a little closer. It takes courage to realize a bad decision, turn around and come back, but for those who do it and do it right, take a hint from Charlie.. it's well worth it.

Cue beautiful new song:

Although this is hard for me to say it's worth your while, so listen anyway.

2012-04-26T23:28:00.001-04:00

I'm not good at resolve. I have a way of leaving things painfully unfinished and it's because I so badly want to leave things on the best note possible, so instead I just flub it up.

If you were to listen to the demos of my songs, even the most serious sombre of sadcoreness at the end of every song I have to make some weird sound or melody because.. I hate endings.

Occasionally you'll come across the perfect ending for something. But for me, not often. Endings to situations in my life go like this:

DUN DUN!.... .... ... DUN DUN DUN!.... DUN DUN DUN.. DUN... DUN.. D.. D.. DD... D... DUN! DUN!@*$)&#($

Makes sense right? Nope. No it doesn't. Don't ask me how to end a song, a relationship or a self help book - I'll just give you a bunch of bananas and walk away.

I've been freaking out because I am so close to finishing this record, I'm worried about 'empty nester' syndrome - you know, no more projects in the works. But I think I've got that solved and a big chunk of a new project ahead of me. So I can breathe easy and stress about new things. hurray!

I'll be sad when this record is done, mastered and in my hand. While it'll be exciting putting it out and hearing the yay or nay of the public it'll also be like 'oh, well, that part of my life is over'. It always feels like that after the record. Like a year book or something. Specific times, nights, moments, there's a finality to it that I know is important but I also slightly loathe. Not wanting things to be over when they're over. Calling the future stupid, throwing peanut shells at it and saying berating things about it's mother. You know it's normal to harass nouns.

For a girl who hates endings, what I detest more is being wishy-washy and unresolved. Contradictory or not to how I am, that's the way it is. You want to reach out and make it better, but you can't cause it's over. And you want it to be over so you can move on but it doesn't feel like it's over so you can't, or won't or - one of the two - I forget.

Then you have weird dreams where situations are played over and over again in a parallel universe where it's always Thanksgiving, and you're on a boat, and you always end up at a penny arcade and you wake up wanting salt water taffy and a hug...

Oh the wars that rage inside.

Rage on.

A critical imagination always working overtime.

2012-04-24T23:59:00.000-04:00

Two years ago I had a meeting with an AandR person. He sat me down asked me nothing about my music but rather quizzed me on what my marketing plan was. What store would I hear your music in at the mall? What brand of clothes represent your music? What movie soundtrack would your song be on? What brand would you be the face of? What makes you special, what's your gimmick?

I didn't have any response for him and he wasn't impressed. It was at that moment I realized I was either doing music because it's what I wanted to do or I was going to have to think of this less like an art and business. While I understood the relevance to everything he was saying and what he was going for I didn't have any inclination to give him legit answers.

When he asked me Who is your favorite artist? and I replied Tom Waits he choked Tom Waits? That guy makes peanuts. Sure he makes art, but I can tell you he's not making coin like (said famous artist) or (other said famous artist). I sighed and felt a little stupid. (Never let anyone make you feel stupid for loving the art you do. EVER)

He drove me home in a vintage convertible where he listened to my music and snarkley said "Ha. I actually like this music, I didn't think I would." I didn't keep in touch needless to say but something he did say stuck with me. The whole "special" business. What makes anything special or anyone. I keep getting asked this more and more frequently - people want to know what my 'thang' is. Writing your own music and being a try-hard indie so-and-so isn't much to people. Did you write a song that mentioned a kitschy term like "video games"? Did you date a famous so-and-so who you wrote your record about, or even better wrote your about AND they produced it? No. No I didn't.

Isn't "I make music I like" enough anymore? I suppose not. But when I look at other artists they don't set off with a gimmick or some switch "TA DA! I GLOW IN THE DARK AND PLAY MARACAS!"

I think if you're wondering what makes your work special - just keep going - you're not there yet.

There's a joke in the entertainment industry that goes like this. You'll know you've made it when agents ask:

Who's (Late July)?
Get me (Late July)!
Get me someone like (Late July)!

Then always back to...
Who's (Late July)?

We start off as no bodys, then turn into somebody's, then into somebody's else somebody, then, back to no body. Clothing brand or no clothing brand - it's the way it goes.

Either way - sorry to disappoint but there are no future plans of wrapping myself in sparkly cellophane and/or glowing in the dark.

Radio Silence.

2012-04-23T23:14:00.000-04:00

Radio silence.

We all need it in our life, in different ways, for different reasons, often for grounds we can't explain. I've debated if always keeping open lines of communication is healthy or dangerous. Complete silence can't be good either but sometimes you just need to clear the lines and fix your signal.

There have been periods in my life when there is too much going on and you need to step back from a situation. With so many forms of communication it's hard to let go of those signals. It's difficult to try not to read in between the lines.

I more than often find myself in situations where I don't want to stay close, but I never really want to be very far away either. I like to know that people are ok. I like to know that I am not needed. I like to remember that I once was.

It's onerous to know the lines, the boundaries, the signs - what leads to good, what leads to the lesser than... Perhaps we are just meant to orbit each other circling closer or circling farther or maybe just in permanent steady orbit.

Oh Wes Anderson. I want your new movie, so bad. (see 7:35)

The hardest part about radio silence is when the other end goes laconic. There are no signals reaching for you, just an empty sound. When your signal goes down, well, so does theirs. That is undoubtedly the hardest part. When a person would rather walk away or shut down than make it right. And right doesn't mean giving the person what they want or to avow - it just means giving them an answer, an honest answer; the time of day even. ~~It's something.~~

I used to think if you are not chased, you are not wanted. But in fact that isn't so - because this isn't grade school, boys don't accost the girls they like - or so social evolution would dictate.

It's all transferable. This radio silence. Yet some of us, if not the best of us, sit by the speaker, waiting to hear a tweak, a buzz, some sort of gesture. But there it is:

Radio silence.

If you listen hard enough it's there and I suppose that's what a good imagination is for.

Can you hear me Major Tom?

I have read the words on your face. They told me things I shouldn’t know.

2012-04-22T23:12:00.000-04:00

If you get the lingering feeling that you're waiting for someone, and you're not sure who - chances are it's probably yourself.

We're all waiting on something, someone, somewhere, somehow - we don't always know what. The hardest thing in life isn't necessarily getting what you want, it's knowing what you want. If you've ever been in a situation with someone who doesn't know what they want, you'll know what an incredible amount of frustration is.

It's do or die. Even if you don't know what it is you want, you have to pick a direction and try. The worst thing you can do in that situation is nothing. Okay - maybe there are some worse things, like drowning kittens or making children cry... but that's not my point.

DO. SOMETHING.

Too many people in this world are waiting for themselves to 'arrive'. I've heard about these cataclysmic moments where everything comes together in one go - where the universe says YES and all is not lost. However these stories are rarely prefaced with "So I was sitting on my couch, eating cheetos when BAM all this awesome stuff happened to me" NO bueno sir, no bueno. It's usually a myriad of trying different stuff and staying in motion.

You know I'm grateful to be who I am, where I am, doing what I do and getting better at it. Really. I am. That said I've fallen out of touch with the universe's weird and wonderful happenings. My life is... really bare. As one friend commented, I'm very 'focused' (laughable) and not really letting a lot of things or people into my life. It's not intentional I swear. Sometimes you just shut down. After the winter I have had, I kind of felt like shape up or ship out.

I definitely get the sense I'm missing out on things. Like I'm being wasted in someway. That feeling that you aren't living your life to the fullest - I just don't know how. I admittedly suck at having fun. I try to be practical about things, but I think I'm too inquisitive to enjoy myself. At parties I just end up interviewing people and people watching. I never dance. I don't drink. I can barely stay up past 1am. I don't date. I haven't been a real relationship in over 3 years. I definitely feel it's easy to be defined by the things that I don't do or the ways I haven't been treated by people - and that's a slippery slope.

I do loads of awesome stuff with my life. It just feels like my life is a little... tinny sometimes. It needs some padding or something. There we go with the some's again. There are those people who adore pointing out the holes in my life. Probably because the parts in my life that are solid, are empty in theirs or something. I don't always get why people lash out at me, more over I don't get why people try to solve my problems either. There's something to be said about people who can just listen and empathize. YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS? YOU DON'T LISTEN AND EMPATHIZE. HA HA! THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.. into a butterfly

In the mean time... let's all get facial tattoos.

Nothing says "I MAKE GOOD LIFE CHOICES" like a facial tattoo.

Massive.

2012-04-20T01:13:00.000-04:00

I don't often go to really big parties, but if art and cool people are involved I won't say no. Tonight I went to the Art Gallery Of Ontario's Massive Party. It was massive because it spanned the lot of the gallery. Interactive exhibits (I did a digital high five!) fun music and photos made for a great evening.

Comparing dresses.

I had my hair in an up do for maybe the first time ever. Very retro-o-o-o

The special Edgar Allan Poe photobooth.

Comparing suits to dresses.

My fortune for the evening.

Don't know who this guy is. He wants me to refer to him as monster. Hi monster.

Because I could care less about dating, my friends made me this memo to hand out at one of the exhibits. I still think my refusal to make eye contact and expand past one word sentences works best.

My art.

Pondering.

The point.

Yea. SO pale.

The secret paper forest.

A snapshot K took of me. So retro.

Then time for bed. Je dore.

As if this bridge between us could ever be burned.

2012-04-18T23:40:00.003-04:00

I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. We all do. Stupid is as stupid does or something like that. I've accidentally shaved my eyebrows (twice), filed a tooth down (painful) or got kicked out of school for being late 36 times in a row... among other things.

Now that I'm older I take good care of my eyebrows, teeth and tardiness. But that 'derp' feeling aka stupid doesn't go away. As I am in the home stretch of this record (so I think) you can't help feel the stress and fretting as what the point is. Art can feel silly. It can feel stupid, pointless and crazy. You look at the money raised, then spent and think what, why, who, how.. I don't get it.

But then I think back to the times when I don't have any creative endeavours to pursue, and that's when it 'clicks'. Speaking to music specifically it is such an imperative part of my life. Rarely found without head phones or a stereo, I don't know how I could think that making music is dumb. I think it's just the fact that I crossed the floor from listener to creator that makes me feel silly at times. I never wanted to be a musician. If anything I saw myself as a critic, an audiofile, a record store clerk, but never a writer, let alone a performer. That's something you're born into; or so I thought.

But the more musicians I meet, the more I get it. The choice is not a choice. No one is born into anything. We just come by way of passion and listen to our instincts. Music is an instinct, and while some instincts are sharper than others - it's there, in our blue prints. Deaf or not. We feel it.

It moves us in different ways and we hear things differently. Up until recently I have struggled going to live shows not really able to 'get into' the music. It wasn't until I went to the symphony for the second time in 15 years that I really felt engaged by live music, wanting to know what every sound was, the expressions on the players faces and feeling how everything resonates in the air together. Something just clicked for me and now I want to go to the symphony every week (we all have problems).

So I'll continue to feel stupid about what I do. But I'll follow through with it, because that's my instinct. Can't walk away from something or someone you believe in. No matter how many times in my life I have tried to walk away from music, and trust me, there have been many times, I always come back to it.

We circle back to the things and people we love. It's instinct. It's a powerful and beautiful thing - and not to mention it will make you unhappy as hell to walk away from it.

Le sigh.

As if this bridge between us could ever be burned.

Wearing you out: That's Good. That's Bad.

2012-04-17T23:32:00.000-04:00

I'm really good at not caring about the things I care about. True story. When I love something, like a favorite pair of boots, I'll wear them until the heel caves in and the toe wears out and there's not enough boot to even resemble a working boot. So I am forced with the decision to buy something new or try to replace them. Usually I get stuck and try to scour the internet for suitable replacements until I either concede and fall in love with something new that I can wear to tatters or on occasion find the exact same replacement (usually at a higher cost than the original) or - on a rarer occasion - find a miracle worker who will rebuild what I've ruined out of love.

We're talking about boots here, right?
Right.
(I really love my boots.)

The times I do have the perfect boots, I just tell myself I don't care and move on with my day. Except I do care, at least, I think I do, just not in a way I always understand - like why, or how et cetera.

It's hard to understand our reaction to situations. Harder to understand what defines 'resolve' in our lives. I've walked out of situations on the most bizarre notes, and stayed in situations for the worst of reasons. Unfortunately I like a challenge, and it's become abundantly clear that as I've gotten older I am more stubborn. Albiet, more open minded, but maybe just more open minded about being stubborn. Up until recently I would argue with people how not stubborn I am. Until I realized I was pretty much an idiot and conceded that I in fact might be stubborn but not the specific type of stubborn they were describing. (Digs heels into ground. Scowls. Judges you silently. etc.)

As obstinate as I am, I am not entirely aware if this has helped me or hurt me. My unyielding values at times seem to get in the way of simple fun or simplifying my life. Stubborn or strong willed. One helps you and one kicks you in the teeth when you're already down for the count. This much: I have learned. Sometimes I resolve to playing a game I was taught in Grade 2 called "That's good, that's bad". We were to draw something that was good, then follow it by something bad that would happen in that situation, followed by drawing something good that would come out of that bad situation. I think this was supposed to be a lesson on 'real life' but instead made me incredibly cynical and untrusting at a young age. Thanks Catholic school! Let's give it a go shall we?

I make a record a year.
That's good!
It's incredibly stressful, personally challenging and financially draining
That's bad!
At my release party I get to have a big cake
That's good!
But there was a stripper inside the cake, which left no cake for me
That's bad!

See how that one goes? I think that exercise permanently challenged me. A very young obsessions with pattern and cycles, I believe that a good thing is followed by a bad thing. There are no 'three summers in a row' and if there were, you'd get 6 winters to follow. Flawed stubborn logic.

I like that I am 'strong willed' about the things in life that I care about. I'm passionate, even if that means I whittle my favorite boots to pieces. They lived! The damn boots lived! And that's what it's about.

Oddly enough this reminded me of a song I haven't heard since those days of "good times, bad times" exercises. The funny thing is that years later I would be compared to this singer many times. If you were like me, you would have watched this video many many times (alongside the Rob Roy preview) on Windows 95 (then play Hovercraft for far too long).

All I want to do now is listen to this song and go somewhere like NOTL or somewhere up north, watch the world turn green again.

It's the little stubborn things, you know... like seasons, that makes being stubborn so much fun :)

There's nothing like you and I.

2012-04-16T23:15:00.002-04:00

I am in the homestretch of completing my third record. Three records. Three ~~wild~~ ~~crazy~~ years.

At this point it's looking it'll all be mixed, mastered and 'in the can' by the end of May.

Records are weird things, no different than a book. A memoir of audible sorts.

It's weird because the things you write about, somehow manage to stay relevant throughout the recording process. I didn't think they would. These are songs I wrote from February to November 2011. And that all seems so far behind me, yet when I listen to these songs it puts context right back on plate. I will admit it is kind of annoying. Many of these songs remind me of very specific moments - some sweet, some sad (of course), some confusing. Actually a lot of confusion. So much confusion. I should have named the record "Intention Vs. Action: The Final Battle" or something. It seems that I really struggled with the fact that not only can someone say one thing, but intend another, they can also do stuff but intend the opposite. It's very.. disorienting. Yet, with the help of my trustee producer Adrian Ellis, I have been able to lock these bittersweet, confusing, confounded, tumultuous moments into this pretty little record.

In someways making a record is letting go of a certain time of your life, and in another way, it lets you to hang on to ~~feelings~~ ~~people~~ things that aren't there anymore.

Ooooh... ghost record... oooohhh

It's pretty cinematic as per usual. MORE STRINGS! BRING ON THE STRINGS! Love orchestral arrangements so this record is again no stranger to that. I'm a lover of fine art, with a little bit of reckless rock and roll.

When I look at the track listing (which I will announce in the coming weeks - hurray!) the world 'lover' comes up twice. There are mentions of bones (a common theme see ex. Doghearted). There are curtains, and utter dispair. There are roads and fights. There's an overwhelming theme of forgiveness; or rather asking to be absolved for the most minor acts depravity.

It's all terribly poetic, cinematic, filmic, passionate, driving, sweepy, swoony... whatever you want to call. I have no idea if people will like it or not. I'd lie if I said I didn't care. Every artist lies about that, we're supposed to. I DONT CARE IF YOU LOVE ME! BUT REALLY... DO YOU LOVE ME? (Then break out into a Contours song)

I hate how personal this all gets, but I think that's what makes it work. Who knows with the title I'm naming it, it sort of sounds like a last record. I will not be fatalistic. There will be more ~~late night weeping sessions at the piano,~~ ~~late night smashing sessions at the piano~~ working things out, and I work things out through my art. It makes me feel better when things don't feel so good. We all have our quirks, I guess songwriting, music and writing therein is my go to... until I discover heroin. or become a cat lady. Or become a lady who addicts her cats to heroin.

Where was I going with this again?
Right.
To the piano!

Just be close at hand.

2012-04-13T23:46:00.000-04:00

I think this needs clarifying. Those of you who read my blog regularly know that my dog Charlie is a big part of my life. But this isn't the typical canine relationship.

He will never out and out show the world his undying love for me (who would?) but he always needs to be close and he always needs to know that I'm okay. Where ever I am, he's not far. He doesn't want to be on my ankle or on my lap (excluding thunder storms, fireworks and loud situations). When I'm gone for a couple days, I'm greeted with a "oh hey" while he sheepishly tries to be cool no matter how happy I am to see him. He goes and hides like "Oh, yea, I have my OWN life, bitch, I don't need you". So I go and do my own thing - but he never keeps me out of his eye line. He'll 'just happen' to have to chew his bone sort of near me. He'll just need to leave his ball at my feet, you know, as a courtesy. If I invite him up on the couch to cuddle or rub his ears 'he's too cool' and 'I'm crowding his style'. If I put him on my bed he waits until I turn my head before jumping off and curling up on the floor somewhere where he can see me.

And before you think "Hey lady, maybe your dog hates you" the proof is there.
When I go, he misses me. He sleeps by the door waiting, listening, only to pretend when I get home that "Bitch, ain't no thang". When I lie down on the floor and stare at him he eventually comes up and nuzzles my neck. If someone raise there voice at me he becomes my protector.

And I'll take it. He's my kind of dog. He's an honest dog, and isn't going to blow rainbows up my nose about how he feels. He's real. I don't do needy well and neither does he. He likes to come up with excuses to get my attention like "oops I dropped my ball"

I don't need to be far from him to know we care about each other. It's not storybook but we'd do anything for each other.

He left for 2 years and came back. We're still good. What's that saying... if you love someone set them free, if they're a dog just scratch their ears instead? Or something something.

And whenever I think of my 'owner to canine' relationship, I think of the Dusty Springfield song:

You don't have to say you love me
Just be close at hand
You don't have to stay forever, I will understand
Believe me, believe me
I can't help but love you
But believe me I'll tie you down.

Sometimes we don't do all the 'normal' things to express how we feel, we just need to stay close, using whatever excuses we can ;)

You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. You’re willing to kill tomorrow and today.

2012-04-12T23:41:00.000-04:00

I have a bad habit of getting mad over things I shouldn't get mad over and being totally cool with things that people would 'flip their lid' (as the young kids say).

The fact that I am patient in the weirdest, most non-sense situations - I have always found this quite amusing. Perhaps patience can be found in amusement. So the odd things, while bad, upsetting and ultimately pointless are sometimes entertaining. Somehow that gives them a passing grade to be waited on.

As we get 'older' we tend to lose patience and just want to move on with things. Giddy up and go.

I think I've lost patience with situations that I found entertaining. I'm tired of wondering what the hell people mean. I would have made a terrible psychologist 'okay you're boring AND messed up. I'm not getting anything out of this, move along, get some exercise take vitamins all that. tut tut' Ha. KIDDING. I'd tell them first to blame their parents for their problems before leaving. Urgh. I wouldn't be THAT mean. ;)

Oh snide remarks, I make you well. (they weren't sick)

Things are in high gear - high kung pow - in yo face - look out gear. This is how I describe making a terribly heartbroken and romantic record. The songs are about people, always people who can't stay in my life, isn't that funny? It is so much so that it would be odd to write a song about a situation involving someone who chooses to stick around in my life. Will it happen? Maybe one day. Maybe not. I bring out a great deal of indecision in people. If you don't like making decisions, are never sure how you feel, and generally enjoy being ambiguous, well then we're probably going to get along, ambiguously of course.

I'll be vaguely this.
You be vaguely that.
And blearily will come to an unresolved conclusion that really isn't a conclusion at all.
More of a "So..."

No one likes to play a reoccurring character. Like on Roseanne when Beck #1 gets replaced by Beck #2 or on Fresh Prince where Vivian #1 gets placed by Vivian #2. They are the SAME characters right? Just totally different people with reactions, feelings and thoughts that are fairly different. Different person, same character. It's an awful analogy and I apologize.

But sometimes in life we find different people to play the same characters in our life. Have. I. Done. This.
Did you ask yourself that question?

I did. And I think I tried once but hated it so much I ran away from the person I tried to replace the other person with screaming.

Seems I'm into originals, not re-releases. Underscore.

Now let's all go listen to German electronic kool pop and feel good about our personal choices in life.
Huzzah!