"Laura, what's up?"

Mammogram results - Normal

2014-01-04T20:13:00.000-05:00

1-4-14
Today's mail delivery brought good news.

Regarding the December 30, mammogram;
"We are pleased to inform you that your recent mammogram is normal."

Not unexpected.
But in the midst of all of life, "normal" anything is a good reason to celebrate!

I am thankful.
Thankful to God.
Thankful to all in whose prayers I am remembered.
Thankful to anyone who cares.
Thankful.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,

since as members of one body you were called to peace.
And be thankful.
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly

as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom

through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit,

singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed,

do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,

giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:15-17 NIV

Dr. Malviya is Happy

2013-12-18T21:53:00.003-05:00

December 18, 2013 9:40 p.m.

We just got home from my 6-month visit with Dr. Malviya.
We discussed my blood work and CT scans, and everything looks fine!

I had started counting time from the surgery date, January 28, 2008.
However, he is counting from the end of chemotherapy, September 2008.
So, that is the 5-year mark for him.
A golden time!

Dr. Malviya is happy.
So I am happy!

Good Apple

2013-10-11T02:08:00.001-04:00

As I was leaving from a short visit with my parents, my dad gave me a bag of apples from their trees.
They are old trees.
I don't know what kind they are, but I call them antique apples.
They are not sprayed, so they are quite natural.

Each year, my mom lovingly makes these apples into pies and applesauce. Patience is needed to core and take out some "bad" spots.

But today, as I prepared a Dutch Baby Pancake (baked puff pancake, filled with cinnamon apples), I looked at them differently.

Instead of cutting out the bad spots, I cut in the good parts.
I needed the apple cut into pieces anyway.
A different perspective.

It reminded me of life and people.
It is easy to concentrate on what is wrong, and dealing with the bad parts.
But maybe it is more satisfying to concentrate on the good parts,
and how they may be found and used.
Yum.
(Thanks, Dad.)

"...hold fast to what is good....
1 Thessalonians 5:21b (NRSV)

Birthday Girl - Mom

2013-10-11T01:29:00.000-04:00

I was glad to celebrate Mom's birthday this week
in beautiful north country with beautiful colors!
Happy Birthday, Mom!

You and Dad were my first examples and lessons of God's love,
both to feel loved and to love others.
I love you!

Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God;

everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

I John 4:7 (NRSV)

Seeing Differently

2013-10-03T16:12:00.000-04:00

In third grade, I discovered that I needed glasses.
I was amazed and thankful at all the detail I noticed on the drive home with my first glasses.

But sometimes, detail can be overwhelming.

Sometimes, in a different light, a big picture emerges.
An outline.
A shape.
A direction.
Calm.
Peace.

On a recent twilight walk,
I heard neighborhood night sounds.
Some cars.
But more sounds of life: crickets; gray tree frogs?

Maybe I was more aware of sounds, because of the change in lighting.

As for sight, I saw what I needed to see
to find my way home.

For it is the God who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”
who has shone in our hearts...
2 Corinthians 4:6a

...we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen;
for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18

It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
to sing praises to your name, O Most High;
to declare your steadfast love in the morning,
and your faithfulness by night,
to the music of the lute and the harp,
Psalm 92:1-3 NRSV
[and the sound of crickets...]

Motorcycle Ride with Dad

2013-09-14T13:23:00.002-04:00

Earlier this summer, on a visit with my parents, Dad went out for a motorcycle ride.
He invited me along.
He loves the beauty and the wild freedom, I guess.
I love him.

He roared down the road,
with me sitting behind him,
in my own meditation space.

My conscious thoughts:
God, I am feeling so close to you,
in kind of a funny way,
with heightened senses.
I feel so vulnerable.
Long sleeves and pants and even helmet
are not much protection against a fall
or another vehicle
or an animal.
I could die any minute.
So vulnerable.

My experience:
I watch trees and woods and sky and even wild turkeys.
I feel wind in my face.
Air.
Breath.
Life.

My conscious thougths:
I am alive.
I am alive this minute.
I am alive and... why waste a beautiful ride?
I am alive and I should enjoy the ride.
I am alive and I will enjoy the ride.
I am alive and I am enjoying the ride.
I am alive!
Thank you God for this moment... for this day.

God, may I trust you for the ride each day.

This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24 (NRSV)

CA-125 Blood Check

2013-06-14T13:48:00.000-04:00

I just opened today's mail.
A report arrived from Dr. Malviya's office.
One part was the results of last week's CA-125 blood test
(that I am getting every 6 months).
It is 11.
:D
I am floating on air.
Six months ago, it was 13, which doesn't mean much by itself.
It may just hover.
Or it could be a direction.

So now it is 11 again.
I am very thankful, and breathing fresh air.
(I see Dr. Malviya next week.
There was no CT this time because of passing the 5-year mark.)

“Show me, Lord, my life’s end
    and the number of my days;
    let me know how fleeting my life is.
You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
    the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
    even those who seem secure.
“Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom;
    in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth
    without knowing whose it will finally be.
Psalm 39:4-6 (NIV)

In his hand is the life of every living thing
and the breath of every human being.
Job 12:10 (NRSV)

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord.
Psalm 150:6 (NIV)

Today's the Day - January 28

2013-01-28T20:32:00.000-05:00

Not magic or earth-shattering.
Still, it is nice to have a day to associate with a celebration.
I can celebrate a whole month... and every day....
But yes, a specific day seems more concrete.
So, today I am celebrating the 5-year anniversary date of my cancer surgery.
(No known recurrances.)
It is good to be here.
Good to be here.

This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24 NRSV

Celebrating 5 Years; Celebrating Today

2012-12-31T16:23:00.000-05:00

December 6 was my pre-CT scan blood draw.
December 12 was my every-6-month CT scan.
December 19 was my every-6-month appointment with Dr. Malviya.

"No changes" (no return of cancer)!
So I am celebrating my 5-year anniversary!
(Surgery was Jan. 28, but I am starting now.)

This does not mean there is no chance of return.
It means it has been 5 years, and it has not returned.

I am thankful!

Doctor-and-test-time tends to be a reflective time.
I seemed to concentrate on two themes.

1) Waiting at Advent.
A theme of the season of Advent is waiting.
That seemed to coordinate with my own personal schedule of waiting.
Waiting for test results.
Waiting to see my doctor.
Waiting and wondering.
Hoping for something good.

2) Vulnerability and needing a Savior
I rejoice at healthy test results.
Yet, I also know something about my human vulnerability.
There is both joy and mystery.

When I was a child, I knew I needed a Savior, mainly because that is what I was taught.
But I generally depended on my parents for any needs.

Now, I know that needs in life go beyond the help of any human.
I NEED a Savior that is beyond human.
Beyond parents or doctor.
Beyond myself.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:2 NIV

You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.
Isaiah 26:3-4 NIV

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

2012-06-15T10:39:00.001-04:00

June 5
was my every 6-month CT scan.

It is humbling when someone looks inside of me:
whether inside my body, inside my head, or inside my soul.
It reminds me of my humanity
as opposed to
God's deity.

Maybe I would look back and say, "I thought there might be poor results on a CT scan,
because the tech did not talk to me as much after the procedure."
Or maybe I could say, "I knew it would be fine,
because I just knew it."

But the fact is, I did not know.
I could not guess.

I can have faith that God will take care of me.
But that is not the same.

God will take care of me,
whatever the CT results.

As we say,
"God is good...
All the time!
All the time...
God is good!

Whatever the circumstances.
God is God, beyond me, beyond my understanding and wisdom.
Available, dependable.
Almighty.

June 13
was my regular 6-month appointment with Dr. Malviya.
Quality time.

Drum roll:
The CT scan was clear!
- "without evidence to suggest metastasis or recurrence of the tumor".

Dr. Malviya answered my list of questions and addressed necessary issues.

John and I checked out with (dear) Maureen, and left the office while it was still daylight!
John took me to dinner, and we celebrated.

I stopped by John's meeting and invited, "Ask me how I am."
"Wonderful!" I bubbled.

I am celebrating 4 1/2 years since my surgery.
And I am celebrating moments.
With thanksgiving!

Thank you for celebrating life with me!

"...even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand-
when I awake, I am still with you.

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:12-18, 23-24 (NIV)

(John just used this passage in last Sunday's sermon.)

Lessons at a Grocery Store - Medicine Aisle

2012-06-01T12:23:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, I stopped at the store after my foot doctor appointment (Dr. Mozen said, "It is healing well; come back in a year!). As I walked through the aisle of medicines, I briefly noted that I did not need anything in that aisle.

And I gave thanks.

We ponder your steadfast love, O God,
in the midst of your temple,
Your name, O God, like your praise,
reaches to the ends of the earth.
Psalm 48 9-10

Focus on Praise

2011-10-17T17:45:00.000-04:00

Psalm 34:1-5

I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
I will glory in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

A Jacob Story

2011-10-06T09:22:00.006-04:00

I was agitated.
I struggled.
I didn't think of it is a Jacob-like experience at the time.
But later, the connection came.

The voice kept calling my name, insistently,
"Laura. " "Laura." "Laura."
"Look at me." "LOOK at me." "Look at ME."

It was more than someone taking my face between their hands to direct my attention.
It was a wresting of my whole body.
There was not so much a visual aspect, but if there was, it might be a little like the Navy Seal character on NCIS-LA.

God wrestled me.
I twisted and turned.
But he said in my ear,
"Laura, Laura, sweetie, Look at me."
It kept up.
Relentlessly.
God was getting my attention.
"Look at me," was the message, "not at your fear."
(And while we are at it, not at the world.)

It later reminded me of trying to manage a determined squirming toddler into a car seat.
And whenever I squirmed throughout the day, he called/turned/wrestled me back,
"Laura, Laura-honey, look at me."

What is it to wrestle with God?
I do not know about Jacob.
But for me, the wresting was like saving a drowning person,
as in "Stop splashing and thrashing, so I can save you."

"Laura, Laura, look at Me.
I love you."

~~~

"Then the man said, 'Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,
because you have struggled with God and with men/humans,
and have overcome/prevailed.'"
Genesis 32:28 (NIV & NRSV)

"Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
until the destroying storms pass by.
I cry to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
He will send from heaven and save me,
.....
God will send forth his steadfast love and his faithfulness."
Psalm 57:1-3

Who Loves You?

2011-10-05T20:38:00.001-04:00

Nobody loves you like your Mommy and Daddy.
At least that is how I think it should be.

I think of that often as I visit with my parents, whether by phone or in person.
I am so glad to hear their voices.
I so appreciate their love and commitment.
So often they drop what that are doing to talk to or help me!
I come away knowing I have been given a dear deep gift of love.
My whole life.
Mom and Dad have taught me love by loving.
And they have modeled God's love by living love.

With thanks...

"Love one another."
(from John 13:34)

Hugs

2011-07-21T00:41:00.000-04:00

Hugs
There may be various meanings of hugs.
This is one:
I am really here
and
I am not alone.

Latest tests

2011-05-28T15:42:00.003-04:00

Results came in the mail for the May blood tests: the CA-125 (ovarian cancer marker) and the kidney tests (a week before each CT to make sure I can take the IV contrast). Everything looks good. CA-125 is still 11 (good that it is not moving up).

The CT scan was Wednesday. Very kind people were both working and in the waiting room (one woman with colon cancer, one who had a brain scan).

I am waiting for the results of that. I may find out by a mailing. Or I may find out at my next appointment. There is a certain peace in this waiting.

I have been reading the Gospel of Mark. I noticed these themes as I was reading chapter 10:

- People/crowds came to Jesus for his teaching and healing.
- Pharisees came for testing him.
- There were separate intimate teaching sessions for his disciples.
- Jesus spoke for and blest the vulnerable (children, poor).
- Jesus understood and spoke about his mission (betrayal, death, living again, and servant leadership).

I also love the story with Bartimaeus, when Jesus asked him, "What do you want me to do for you?"

"I want to see," Bartimaeus responded.

"Go," Jesus said, "your faith has healed you."

And the response of Bartimaeus, upon receiving his sight?

He followed Jesus.

I love that response and that reminder, that our reponse to Jesus' healing is to follow him.

When Jesus heals, there is a different direction and a different energy.
Life is different.

11

2011-04-21T15:47:00.003-04:00

Results are in for Wednesday's CA-125 (blood test): 11. :)
My test in March had gone up to 13 (start of a pattern?), so I am very happy with 11!
I am so thankful, so thankful.

Picture reminder - birthday notes

2011-03-03T11:27:00.002-05:00

As I am writing this,I am reminding myself to be more intentional about taking and including photos!

Who took me to lunch on Tuesday?
Kind and fun friend, Kim C.

Who took me to lunch on Wednesday (when John has staff meetings over lunch)?
My dear brother Allan, who also invited James

With whom did I spend my birthday evening?
Wednesday evening supper at church; Christian yoga class at church; Stewardship meeting at church

How did I get to church that evening?
I walked with John, who had left the car in the lot earlier and walked home for me.

Who surprised me with chocolate birthday cake and ice cream?
John, who after our meetings, told me to watch my feet when I entered the car. There was a white cake box on the floor that he had found time to buy earlier. So we ate cake and ice cream around 10:00 pm.

Who was the first to call on my birthday morning?
My dear mom and dad!

Who left birthday greetings on my phone?
My dear sister Bonnie and Charlie, dear John's mom, and Sandy B.

Who called three times that day?
Carrie! (Who said she was stalking me on my birthday. Very funny, Princess!)

Who is making dinner for me on Friday?
John and James. I love looking forward to food - and time with you!

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Psalm 100

My Birthday

2011-03-03T00:01:00.003-05:00

March 2.
Today is my birthday!
I am 56.
And I am glad to be here!
Thank you to everyone who helped me celebrate today, this week, and every day!
You fill my life with love.

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24 NIV

Colonoscopy Experience (#2)

2011-03-01T18:07:00.002-05:00

There seems to be a colonoscopy comradery. When I bought the prep formula at the pharmacy, the pharmacy assistant commented on her own experience (several years ago), and joked about the taste and the volume of the drink. And when I walked into the hospital yesterday morning for the test, the women volunteering at the information desk also commented, "Ah honey, the worst is over."

I found such friendliness, because we shared a common experience.

They made me smile. They made me laugh. We were in it together!

I worried. But everyone, beginning with the schedulers, were very kind.

Once at the procedure prep room, I had an oxygen monitor (clothespin-like object) on a finger on one hand, an IV in my other arm, and a few heart monitor stickers stuck on my chest. They were taking good care of me.

I was wheeled into a small room, where we waited a bit for the doctor. I had no idea so many people were involved. The person who monitored the anesthetic and all my vital signs was closest to my head, and explained who would be there. There would also be Dr. Bradley Warren (gastroenterologist), Nurse Sharon, the Tech, and the "fellow" working with Dr. Warren.

I turned on my side, thinking the place seemed a bit noisy, but appreciating how soft the pillow was. What a soft, soft pillow. So comfortable...

And that is all I remembered until I woke up again in the larger room with multiple patients (was this a different room than before? Not sure.). I opened my eyes and saw John sitting next to me.

And then Dr. Warren came and explained that I was fine. I was fine!
Well, except for hemorrhoids, for which I need to be more diligent about eating my fiber (25 grams per day). And come back in five years.

I will! I will!

Here is one list: High-fiber foods, Mayo Clinic.
Here is another: Dietary Fiber Chart.
(The numbers sometimes vary.)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him,
so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13 NIV

Two Celebrations

2011-02-26T20:03:00.003-05:00

Oxygen
Sometimes I wake up, not quite ready for the new day (not having had quite enough sleep).
But one recent morning, I awoke feeling particularly wonderful.
Wonderful and well!
One explanation is that a recent cold was going away, and that I was breathing clearly.
Ah, the simple joy of breathing!

Dress-up
John and I finally got to try out the Cross Country Ski Headquarters near Roscommon with our activities group from church a few weeks ago. A lovely trip!

On the drive up, John and I stopped at my parents' house. John was still in the back room chatting with my dad, and I was catching up with my mom. Then she asked me to go to a closet and bring out some old dresses that had belonged to grandmothers. One looked like a nightgown. One was made by a great-grandmother. One was surprisingly elegant. I tried them all on (and modeled them for the men). What fun! It had been such a long day and a long drive in the dark and snow. But then I laughed and played with my mom.

How easily I can let stress color... everything.

How thankful I was, and am, for my mom who brought out my playfulness.

"This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24 NIV

Celebrate each day and don't take tomorrow for granted.

2011-02-26T19:34:00.002-05:00

I hadn't meant to wait almost a month before posting again.

A couple weeks ago, John's mom's 19 year-old Eagle Scout neighbor, Bryan Wolf died.
A primary word used to describe him was "thoughtful".
He had been very friendly and helpful with John's mom.

As we left the funeral, his dad asked "And how are YOU?"
What a kind thing to ask in the midst of his grief.
Thoughtful.

I said that I celebrate each day and do not take tomorrow for granted....
which seemed to make sense to him.

That is my prayer also.

Three Years, with Gratitude and Love

2011-01-28T23:30:00.005-05:00

Today is the 3-year anniversary of my surgery.
My most recent tests (November CT scan, etc.) did not show any recurrance.
I am feeling good.
I am glad to be here.

My hair has grown back.
(I am liking to keep it short right now though.)

Reflecting...
I am reminded that I am not defined by one experience in life.
But also, I am not invulnerable.
Both.
This is a reminder for me, and a life-lesson for my children.

Whatever difficulty may be in your life right now,
does not define your whole life.
There may be an area to get past.
It may be temporary.
Do what you need to do to get through it...
to move along on your journey...
with many other gifts and experiences and dimensions.

But you also know that you are a vulnerable human being.
We never know, nor get to choose, some things that come our way.

I slightly smile to myself at a small voice in me that says (knowing better really),
"If I just did not have this cancer shadow,
I would be normal like everyone else, and live forever."

We are all vulnerable.
We are all complex.

We have an amazing God,
who loved us so much,
He gave everything for us.
He made us in his own image, so he knows exactly how complex we are,
and what gifts we have to develop and to share.

He also understands our needs.
He is strong and dependable.
Whether life's difficulties are from our choices or things that just appear,
He does not say (as earthly parents might),
"You should have thought of this earlier,"
or "Why didn't you (fill-in-the-blank)?"

He holds you close, then takes your hand to walk
together.
You may not see where the next step may be.
He will guide you....
physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

His love is bigger than cancer,
bigger than jobs,
or having no job,
bigger than changes,
bigger than discouragement and disappointment,
bigger than tiredness,
bigger than loneliness,
bigger than stress and pressure,
bigger than anger or fear,
bigger than this life.
His love is eternal.

My dear children,
God's love is the one thing you can depend on.
And because of that love, we can love and be loved by others.

Today, I am so thankful for you.
You bless my life!
- Your mom, who loves you so much.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD.
Psalm 150:6 NIV

Every day with Jesus

2011-01-01T20:03:00.002-05:00

A quotation from a calendar on my kitchen windowsill:

"This uneasiness about the future is unwholesome for you.
We must leave to God all that depends on Him,
and think only of being faithful in all that depends upon ourselves."
Francois Fenelon

This quotation speaks to me about perspective.
(Interesting wording: "This uneasiness" is actually "unwholesome".)
I am very aware that the days of earthly life are limited.

And yet (note to self), why dwell on the worry and let that get in the way of living?
Instead, focus on the moments of life, the joy of life, the depth of life!
Be thankful for God, the mighty God beyond-time-and-space, who walks through life with me,
like friends walking home from school, baring souls.
And be thankful for family and friends, who care even when I am not looking.

Jesus, I pray to be more intentional about your presence in my life.

Matthew 6:25-26,33
"‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them....
But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

New Woman

2010-12-31T14:22:00.001-05:00

After a day or so of treatment (for laryngitis, sinus infection, stuffiness), I started to notice a difference.
I felt a spring in my step.
What WAS that wonderful feeling???

Oh, AIR!
I was starting to get significant oxygen into my lungs, into my brain, into my bloodstream, rushing all through my body with health!

I was starting to feel like a new woman!
What a good way to begin a New Year!

I remembered the chorus of an old hymn, maybe from childhood, "There is Power in the Blood":
"There is power, power, wonder-working power
In the precious blood of the Lamb..."

Giving thanks for Jesus, my Life-Blood.