It is What it Is

To Read: Let's Pretend This Never Happened

2013-03-07T22:28:14-06:00

I was actually at a Blogher conference in New York the first time I heard mention of “The Bloggess.”

“I was recently retweeted by The Bloggess,” one attendee said, “and she’s huge.” Then, a reverential hush fell over the room in honor of both the name mentioned and the accomplishment. The discussion was about connecting with other bloggers and marketing, but I was much more fascinated by the mention of this Bloggess. The name was obviously awesome, and speaking of her had rendered a room full of bloggers speechless – not exactly an easy feat.

Of course, I wasn’t going to admit to my ignorance at the time. After all, I was at a blogging conference and, clearly, one of the big names in the game had just come up. If anything, I was supposed to be with it and knowledgeable of my industry (or so my Twitter feed would have you believe), but obviously, I was out of the loop on one very important point.

What I gathered from the crowd, apart from the fact that it was a very big deal to be mentioned by the Bloggess (not something that I’m at all contesting, Maria Shriver favorited one of my tweets and it made 2012), was that the Bloggess was a big fan of “the f-word.” And that was good enough for me.

Getting to the real point here, I loved Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by the Bloggess, also known as Jenny Lawson.

I’d love to tell you more about this book, but I also feel like if I call out specifics I’ll be the jerk who says punch lines to other people’s jokes or that person in the Facebook feek who keeps posting about deaths on Downton Abbey/The Walking Dead without any seeming comprehension of what a spoiler is or that most people these days use a little something called DVR rather than watching shows in real time.

This book is simply too funny, and I want you to discover all of that funniness for yourself. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is a book that is all about voice, and for that reason, you’ll want to read these stories for yourself.

Entering Jenny Lawson’s world is a hysterical treat. So, do yourself a favor and don’t be one of the last people to catch on here. (Trust me, it’s not a fun place to be.)

As I believe Jenny Lawson might say now, you’re welcome.

This is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own.

Holiday Skincare Deals

2012-12-17T15:03:43-06:00

If you’re at all like me, you see the holidays as a great time to give and get those products/items you’d love to have but would never get for yourself. This philosophy of gifting hopefully explains my annual obsession with travel accessories, cashmere, 1,000+ thread counts and high-end skincare.

For some reason, when I’m shopping for myself, it’s hard for me to buy anything more expensive than what Wet ‘n’ Wild has in stock at my local Walgreen’s. However, when it’s time for presents, shiny packages and luxury ingredients call my name. This is one of the many reasons I’m so excited to share these deals from DDF skincare. Stock up for yourself or someone else. As they would argue on Parks and Recreation, sometimes you just have to treat yourself. .

Deal #1 is the DDF Revolve 400X Micro-Polishing System. If you’re a fan of microdermabrasion, or know a fan, this seems like an excellent product to try/gift. I am slightly self-concious about my pore size (I know, of all the things to worry about and the problems in the world) ever since a run-in with an eyebrow waxer in Chicago, so any product that offers to reduce the appearance of pores and smooth skin seems to have red neon lights proclaiming “Laurel Mills needs this.” I enjoy doing some microdermabrasion at home, and I know that when I take the time, my skin thanks me.

Plus, if you use the code DDFMICRODERMA at checkout now through January 31, 2013, you’ll receive the Revolve Micro-Polishing System for $48 plus free shipping. Considering what I pay at the drugstore stockpiling cheaper brands, this seems well worth it to me.

Deal #2 lets you shop the entire DDF skincare line. With the code DDFSKIN, you’ll enjoy half off your second product and free shipping now through January 31, 2013. (I have my eye on some sensitive skin cleansing and moisturizing products to overcome the toll winter takes on my face.)

I hope you all enjoy and happy holidays!

5 Other Lives

2012-11-13T13:00:00-06:00

One of my assignments from The Artist’s Way Toolkit was to write down what I would do if I had five other lives to lead. Here’s what I came up with. I’m guessing four of them would require that I spend less time watching J.J. Abrams’ and Joss Whedon’s shows, which is a lot of what I’ve done with my present life. Regardless, here we go with my five other lives. (Should you have other lives of your own planned, I’d love to hear about them. As I’m currently obsessed with Fringe, I fully admit that I spend too much time wondering what alternate Laurel does with herself.)

1. Soap Star

This has been one of my fantasies for years. As a soap opera star, I would preferably be attached to a large family in town and constantly embroiled in love triangles. I would also like to be part of a supercouple, but get married tons of times so that I could put on all the different dresses. Ideally, I would play identical twins on General Hospital. One would be a do-gooding doctor at, where else, General Hospital. The other would be a mob princess.

2. Criminal Profiler

Some people armchair quarterback; I armchair crime solve. I would love to work for the FBI in a way that I would never get shot at. (Pursuits, shooting and possible death really don’t appeal to me.) I’m also aware that “criminal profiler” is not an actual job title. Seriously, if you go to the FBI’s job postings there’s an entire page dedicated to the fact that “Criminal Profiler” is not a position and that despite the popularity of Criminal Minds, that career path does not exist. I knew a lot of people watched Criminal Minds, but I had no idea so many people asked the FBI about it that they had to build a web disclaimer. Fascinating. I'd love to try and solve crimes/find the missing pieces of the puzzle while also trying to discover the whys of it all.

3. College Professor

In this scenario, the scene opens on a some small liberal arts college in New England just before Winter break. Snow is falling. Coeds run around excited about heading home for the holidays and nervous about exams. I walk through the quad in fashionable tweed with piles of papers in my arms before heading back to the big old home with a wrap-around porch that I share with my husband and tons of way too-wise-for-their-years kids. For the sake of the fantasy, we ignore the fact that I disdain snow and tend to have trouble talking to large groups of people under the age of 20.

4. TV Writer

If I'd had more guts when I was younger, I would have loved to have seen what I could accomplish as a television writer. Reading Mindy Kaling's book made me very jealous. (She started writing for The Office at 24, people. 24! I was writing post-it notes at 24.) I think it would have been interesting to explore the Hollywood world from the writing perspective. Again, for the sake of fantasy, we have to ingore the fact that L.A. traffic would do me in within a week.

5. Wealthy Hermit

In my fifth life, I'd just be independently wealthy. I'd always be in beautiful clothes, go back and forth between my impeccable homes, eat amazing food and travel the world. In this life, I think I could keep the J.J. Abrams and Joss Whedon shows. Only, I'd do it without the guilt I feel in thinking I should be doing something else. And better snacks.

Discount Directions

2012-10-31T13:00:00-05:00

I love some discount shopping. When I can find a light-up skeleton at Walgreen's for $5.99, I'm a happy girl. (And some people think I'm difficult to please ...)

The obvious perk of discount shopping is the low prices because, let's face it, it's not like you're really paying for much else. Organization? Not so much, but if I said I didn't enjoy digging through piles off-brand sweat pants for the one pair without a spelling error, I'd be lying. Customer service? Very much depends. It's better not to ask questions if you can avoid it. Quality? My light-up skeleton is holding up well, but it's always a crap shoot.

A few weeks ago, I wasn't even offered bags for my merchandise as I picked up Halloween party decor. (This is probably punishment for not being more concious of my carbon footprint and carrying my own reusable totes everywhere, but there are times a girl forgets.) I placed my items on the counter (creepy burlap tie included because, well, it was there, and it was cheap) to check out; the woman working in the store scanned each item. Then she handed each item back to me to put in the cart sans bag. It was a little weird, but when you're at Garden Ridge, you roll with Garden Ridge.

Anyway, all of this is leads me to one of my favorite aspects of the bargain-loving lifestyle -- incoherent instructions. If you're buying way, way below retail, it's generally accepted that you're going to have to figure out how everything works by yourself, and I'm fine with that. It's usually when directions are included that things get a little fuzzier. For example:

If I hadn't know what I bought, this would be confusing as all get out. (And am I crazy, or does this look a little bit dirty? Gross, maybe?)

The next set of guidelines I found included written instructions that were in English, not as common as you would think, but I still found the drawings disturbing.

There's something really icky about this one to me -- and, yes, I also think this looks dirty; go ahead and judge me. (I don't deal well with things that look disjointed or bulbous. It's a thing.) I'm also unsure as to why it is necessary to tell me to "watch the set eerie glow." If the goal was to be creeped out on Halloween, I succeeded only by opening the box on this one.

Would you have ever guessed that the first set of directions go with this light-up Zombie? (I never said I shopped for normal stuff.)

Yes, that drawing depicts an arm clutching a beating heart on a cord. Our second set of directions actually shows this:

Because, you know, why draw the hand from the front -- where it actually looks like a hand -- when you can draw it from the side?

In retrospect, I'm not really sure the problem is with where I'm shopping so much as it is with what I'm shopping for, but I'm going to save self-reflection for another day.

Happy Halloween!

5 Of My Favorite SNL Characters

2012-10-19T13:00:00-05:00

I've been watching Saturday Night Live since the fifth grade. (The cool kids were watching it, therefore I had to watch it. I also liked watching L.A. Law. I guess you can say my tv tastes haven't changed that much in 20 years.) Back then, the biggest challenge was staying up late enough to see all of SNL. I considered it a win if I made it to the first musical number.

Collectively, our class liked SNL so much that, inspired by the political humor of the show, we put on a sketch at Christmas based on the trial of Sadaam Hussein. (It was 1990. We were very topical.) Each class performed a skit at the holidays. I don't know why, but it was fun. I played Nancy Reagan in the trial. It wasn't long after the Reagan years, and we had to have a role for every student, so it seemed appropriate. I wore a red jacket and had one line when I took my place in front of the entire upper school, "Just say no to drugs."

I think that kind of characterization isn't bad for 11-year-olds.

A little while later -- I can't remember if it was 6th or 7th grade -- we put on a Christmas skit that included impersonations of all of our favorite SNL characters. The copy guy (Rob Schneider) was there, and I'm pretty sure I played Pat. There was a lot of stuffing involved.

I could regale you with tales of other sketches and plays my friends and I put on throughout the years -- including a rainy day summer camp performance that involved a fake exercise video for tools to increase your bust -- but I'm not sure I could maintain anyone's attention long enough to get through all of those. I think the overall point is this: I've always had a flair for the dramatic (surprise, surprise), and I've always appreciated the funny.

No matter what kind of year SNL is having, I always enjoy watching it. It's hard to be funny for an hour and a half week after week. I don't expect every skit to be gold, and considering the constraints on the writers and performers, I'm amazed at whay they put out each episode In light of that, here are a few of my top characters from throughout the years. (Like I said, it's "a few" because it's not so easy to narrow down decades of sketch comedy.)

5. The Church Lady

The Church Lady began my love affair with Saturday Night Live. (As well as my conviction that I could do impressions, which is not true but did not stop me from saying "Satan"with a head tilt whenever I got the chance.) For the sake of full disclosure, I also like The Master of Disguise, so judge my humor recommendations as you will.

4. Sarah Palin

Tina Fey, and "I can see Russia from my house." Do I really need to say more? As my earlier allusion to fifth grade would suggest, I love some political humor. Most SNL "politicians" crack me up, but if I had to pick a favorite, this would be it. I only regret that we had to get the real Sarah Palin for this sake of this masterful impersonation.

3. Pat

Again going back to where it all began, it seems unfair not to include Pat on my list. Has androgeny ever been so funny? Or disturbing?

2. Get Off The Shed Guy

Is there anything quite like the barely suppressed rage of the suburbs? I vote "no." Wether Will Ferrell is demanding his kids "get off the shed" or adamant that he "drives a Dodge Stratus," I am beyond amused.

1. Penelope

I find few things more amusing than one-upping, so can it really can't be a surprise that Kristen Wiig's one-upping Penelope tops my list of SNL characters. I realize Penelope is a total love her or hate her character, but clearly I love her. Not only do I find her hilarious, but she has renewed my conviction that I can -- and I will, dammit -- do impersonations. Who wants to see me twirl my hair while I talk about having invented the Internet, master minded all Google search capabilities and come out with the world's first ever blog?

What A Difference A Vowel Makes

2012-10-08T09:30:00-05:00

Is it Spanish, spinach or some combination thereof?

I don't know, and for $2.99, I'm not willing to find out.

A Town Not Big Enough For The Both Of Us

2012-09-21T09:30:00-05:00

I have a Kindle Fire. (It’s hardly big news, but all stories have to start somewhere.) I think the SO expected me to use my Kindle Fire to read all the time, get into RSS feeds, keep up with news from all over the web, etc., etc. Instead, I quickly developed an addiction for Bejeweled.

(“Addiction” isn’t an exaggeration here. When I find something new, it’s all I want to do. So far, the only thing this particular personality trait has done for me is allow me to get through lots of episodes of television in a short period of time. I might need to work on my concept of “purpose.”)

When I was done with Bejeweled, I moved on to various hidden objects/puzzle games. (I am a complete nerd.) However, it was hard to find anything that gave me the same satisfaction as Bejeweled – until I discovered The Oregon Trail.

Unlike The Oregon Trail of my youth, which involved way too much dysentary and fording of rivers, The Oregon Trail app lets you build a town out West and make it prosper. You get to build houses, businesses, add livestock, plant crops … basically, a lot of incredibly boring stuff designed for 10-year-olds that I seem to find fascinating.

To say that I got into my town would be an understatement akin to saying that the Amy Poehler/Will Arnett split was mildly upsetting. (If those two can’t make it work, I don’t know if the rest of us have a chance. Can’t they stay together for America? Seriously.)

I worked on my town all the time. I cleared all the land possible to clear. I built mansions. I had every business available, including the special edition town hall and a prospecting cart. I occasionally ignored my boyfriend for my town.

“Something, something, something,” SO says.

“Yeah, sounds good,” I’d say while staring down at my Kindle Fire.

“Something, something, something.”

“Uh-huh,” I’d say, while thinking, “If I can just collect from the big log cabins two more times, I can add another telegraph office.”

“It’s your town again, isn’t it?”

“Huh?” (Thinking: “How did I run out of energy so quickly?”)

“That’s what I thought.”

I made it to level 91 on The Oregon Trail. I don’t think any sane person is supposed to do that. I had a $1,000,000 fake dollars stored in my Trail bank account. I was out of control.

Then, my Kindle Fire died. It stopped holding a charge, and I had to ship it back to Amazon headquarters. Was I worried about my books or my many, many apps? No. I was worried about my town. What would happen to my progress? What would become of my houses and the black sheep I won? (You can’t purchase a black sheep. You can only win one. I’m sure you can all see my dilemma.)

Well, sure enough, when the new Kindle Fire arrived, there was no town, and that’s when the SO and I had a talk I’m sure every couple has at some point in their relationship.

“Well, it’s gone,” I said.

“I know that meant a lot to you?” the SO said.

“It’s all gone.”

“I’m sorry?”

“And you know what,” I said. “I don’t think I’m going to rebuild. It was a good run, but I just don’t think I have the energy to go through it again.”

I’d tell you what the SO said next, but I couldn’t understand him through the explosion of laughter.

The Newest Member Of The Family

2012-09-19T11:35:22-05:00

This is the newest member of the household, Gilly (a.k.a. the Gilly monster). She's decided she's not a fan of the flash on my camera, hence the closed eyes.

Yes, she is named for this Gilly.

There are three primary reasons for this:

1. My great, great love of Kristen Wiig. Even if this is one of her less popular characters, I'm still a fan.

2. Both Gillys have similar unruly hair.

3. When we discipline Gilly, the SO and I can do Will Forte impressions.

Paging Pity, Party Of One

2012-09-14T13:00:57-05:00

So, I’m having one of those days. It’s not like anything terrible has happened, but my self-esteem just isn’t quite where it should be, and I’m a tad irritable. (If yelling at your car door for opening too wide in the Lowe’s parking lot can count as “a tad.”) I would love to be one of those peaceful, Zen-like people who can recognize how small their own problems are, anticipate the light ahead and enjoy the journey, but well, let’s be honest here. It’s me.

Since I have this lovely forum known as my blog, I thought I’d run through the current causes of my I’m-never-leaving-the-house-again-or-changing-out-of-these-sweatpants-state*:

That I’m not one of those peaceful, Zen-like people who can just go along for the ride. Those people seem extremely lovable, good at yoga and capable of sitting still for longer than five minutes because of what I’m sure are their valuable and renewing daily meditations. They have probably never played a game of Spider Solitaire for hours on end. I bet they even like how tea tastes.
One day after buying what can only be described as a s&%$ ton of AA batteries because of a buy one, get one free sale, the only batteries I need are AAAs. (These AAAs are for my Slender Tone belt. Yes, I know it doesn’t work, but I wear it anyway and pretend that I’m doing something. I bought it on Ebay a few days after New Year’s because that’s my version of a “get in better shape” resolution.)
None of my pants fit. (Please see note about Slender Tone belt in #2.)
My bangs aren’t behaving properly. This, too, is my own fault for thinking I could trim them myself. In this instance, “behaving” = “not being long enough.” (If for any reason my stylist is reading this, I know. I know. Also, I would like to add “patience” to the list of qualities I wish I possessed in #1.)
Netflix has yet to add season two of Portlandia to its line-up. I can only assume this is a) part of some sort of grand conspiracy on the part of Netflix to drive me insane or b) because season two isn’t available yet. Regardless of the reason, I feel like some Fred Armisen would lighten the mood right now.
I ordered an item off of Ebay without reading the shipping cost, because you know, seeing as how the item is the size of my hand and in the continental United States, I thought shipping would be reasonable. I was wrong. It’s $40. $40! The seller claims that’s why the item was priced so low. (Diabolically brilliant?) I feel kind of cheated here, seeing as how the item itself cost $1.27 more than the shipping. However, since the shipping price was listed before the auction ended, we return to the fact that I can only blame myself for this one.
Well, there isn’t really a number seven, so a normal person would end this list at six, but seeing as how I think lists should come in threes, fives, sevens or tens, I just don’t think I can do it. Neurotic much? Yes.

And there you have it. Thank you wonderful reader for putting up with my gripes. Please add your own to the comments. As I’m being petty, I feel I should invite others to join me. We can all start on that Zen thing on Monday.

* I mean, the sweatpants have pockets. Do I really need to say more?

My Bumper Sticker And Anthropologie: A Lesson In Courage

2012-09-07T10:00:00-05:00

When I find an article of clothing that I like, I tend to buy it in at least two colors. My more frugal sister thinks that this is crazy, but I figure that if you find something you like, you might as well have more than one. Who knows when you’ll find something you like as much again? What if something happens to the first one, and then you’ve lost your favorite shirt? I think I’m being practical, but I also think Tina Fey and I would be besties if only we ever met, so take that for what you will.

A few weeks ago, a friend and I were out running some errands. I had on my relatively standard uniform of black flip flops and black yoga pants as well as a new shirt from Anthropologie that I thought was so adorable and comfy. (So adorable and comfy that I bought it in two colors. I’d probably have it in three if they hadn’t gone off sale. It’s called the slouch shirt. I wasn’t going to read into that.)

After driving around for a bit, I realized I hadn’t had my morning Diet Coke (yes, morning), and I decided to pull into the gas station. My friend said that she wanted a Diet Coke, too.

I stepped into the store and picked up two Diet Cokes and a Powerade for good measure. (You can never be too hydrated on questionable beverages.)

“You’re very brave,” said the clerk.

“Huh?” I said, looking down at my hands and assuming he was concerned about how much sugar and Nutrasweet I was willing to put in my body. “Brave” also seemed like an odd word choice since I was shopping at the mini-mart, and that mini-mart was not in Pakistan.

“You’re very brave,” he said. “Your bumper sticker.”

That’s when I realized that he was referring to my Obama sticker.

In my neck of the woods, you don’t see too many Obama stickers. I think there are more leftover “W” stickers on cars than Obama/Biden pronouncements. It’s probably one of the reasons I decided to go with the bumper sticker. I am usually very anti-bumper sticker simply because I’m too lazy to use Goo Gone, but I got tired of everyone making assumptions about my political leanings. Plus, I like for visitors to know that not everyone in Alabama is conservative. We have diversity in our politics just like any other state.

“You don’t see too many of those around here,” he said.

“Thank you,” I said, really not sure what the appropriate response to that comment would be.

I left the store, got back in my car and gave my friend her Diet Coke. Since I had heard some of the comments about her Obama/Biden sticker from the 2008 race, I thought she’d enjoy my story. “I just had the weirdest encounter,” I said.

“What happened?” she said.

“The guy told me I was brave,” I said.

“Because you wore that shirt?”

Maybe I was a little too zealous in my love of the slouch shirt after all. Hopefully, my friend will like it better in blue.