Note: I’ve decided to stop saying things like “I’ve been such a terrible blogger lately!” and “I’ll do better, I promise!” I’m starting to realize that I’ll have this space, or at least one like it, for the long haul. What’s that saying about how it’s a marathon and not a sprint? Anyway, I’m really starting to be okay with blogging when I have time — or, gasp, when I want to — and not letting myself stress out about it when I don’t. I’m a busy girl and have lots on my plate right now. Sometimes, I have “time to blog” but choose to spend that time watching Parks and Rec on Netflix, which is a better choice for my mental health (also, I love me some Ron Swanson). Sometimes, I have “time to blog” but choose to not spend that time glued to a computer screen, since I am glued to a screen for about 10+ hours a day as it is. All of this to say, I am going to keep on truckin’…but be kinder to myself while doing so. Maybe one day I will have time to blog regularly again, but today is not that day. So from now on, I’ll just start posts as though we’re all pleasantly surprised I remembered my own login and password (because I know I am) and go from there.

Oh, LfT. You’re 4 today. I looked back on last year’s post and not much has changed. I’m still working a lot. I’m still exhausted. I still plan to celebrate with cupcakes and champagne. But, in saying that, so much has changed. This time last year, we were still in Texas, getting ready to pack up and move to Louisiana. Michael was about to graduate with his master’s. I was taking the semester off from grad school and working two jobs to give him a break. I had just started taking freelance social media clients and writing jobs.

Today, we’ve been in Louisiana for almost a year (I believe June 1st is the official date). I’ve been earning the better part of my income from freelance work for over a year — that is incredible to me. I never thought that was something I could achieve, but this year has been full of surprises. I have made actual money, and good money for that matter, as a writer, which is very exciting. I have completed almost 2 semesters of a graduate program that has stretched and challenged me in ways I never thought I could be stretched and challenged, and it has made me a better person — which, in turn, will make me a better counselor. I’ve made amazing new friends, developed deeper relationships with old friends, spent quality time with family, and found new ways to fall in love with my husband. I’ve learned to let go of a lot of the small things, because life is too short to be mad over that which I have zero control.

I love looking back on chunks of time. When you’re in the midst of things, it’s easy to lose the beauty in the mundane. When I look back, I can see the good so clearly. I mean, I remember the bad, but it’s a bit fuzzy around the edges, like the whiteboard at the front of the classroom when I’m not wearing my glasses. I’d have to really focus in to remember, and it’s not worth the headache. Instead, I’ll hold tightly to the positive, and keep it close to my heart. Hopefully, it will help me through this next chunk of time. (Groan. Finals are coming.)

Oh, Mishka posted this to Facebook earlier, and it reminded me that today was my blog’s birthday. I guess April 25th really is the perfect date.

I have one of those faces that people seem to love to compare to random celebrities. I have gotten everyone from Cameron Diaz (happened a lot when we were both younger) to Julia Stiles (thank you, toothless guy at a gas station) to iJustine to Candice Swanepoel (my personal favorite) to random indie musicians and actresses whose names I can’t remember. Most of the time, I take these comparisons as compliments and move on with my life. But every once in awhile, someone will come up to me with A Look on his/her face and I know what he/she is going to say. “You know who you look like?” For some reason, I can always tell when it’s going to be this particular person. I don’t know why. “Miss Rhode Island from Miss Congeniality!” It doesn’t happen too often, but I’ve gotten it enough times in my life to know there’s gotta be something to it. Also, I never take it as a compliment. Ever. I mean, she’s cute and everything, but she’s also the weirdo in You’ve Got Mail and to be honest, I don’t see the resemblance. Anyway, I didn’t feel that I could post this photo without telling that story. You’re welcome.

Well, we’ve certainly hit a range of emotions on this post, haven’t we? I guess I’ll wrap up by saying: Happy Birthday, LfT. I hope you’re around for at least 4 more years. (You’re going to be around for at least 3, because I paid for hosting through 2016.) Thanks to those of you who show up and read what I write, even when it’s ridiculous and completely inconsistent. I love you guys. Y’all are my jam.

And if you happen to think I look like Miss Rhode Island, by all means, keep it to yourself.

This month marks the 4th birthday of this blog. My domain registration (plus privacy because stalkers) and hosting (plus backup because paranoia) is up for renewal. It’s cheaper to buy it by the year, even cheaper by multiple years, and to pay for it in one lump sum, but there is nothing that makes me stop and question this space more than having to dish out a couple hundred dollars to keep it here. I know I say this ALL THE TIME and you are probably SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT, but I’m in grad school. So is my husband. It’s hard for me to justify spending that much money on something that gives me no ROI (monetarily speaking). I know it’s not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but it does make me stop and think.

I’ve thought about running ads on this blog about 100 times, but truth be told, I can’t handle another thing I have to plan and organize and implement. Plus, who would want to advertise with me? “Hi, sometimes I blog and sometimes I don’t. Pay me please?” And if that’s not enough, I have no idea how many people are reading what I write. Stalking my stats was useless, since I could never figure out how to take the next step with them, so they basically became a way for me to feel bad or good, depending on the numbers, about what I was writing. Numbers control too much of my life on a daily basis — numbers on the scale, grades on tests and papers, numbers in my bank account — I don’t need more numbers controlling how I feel. Since taking them down, I have felt relieved. I sometimes wonder how many people are looking and reading and following, but I try not to let it define me or what I write. It doesn’t matter. You’re here, and that’s what’s important.

Even still, I debate. Should I go back to free blogging? Maybe I should quit while I’m ahead — I’ve been a terrible blogger lately. Should I beg for donations via Paypal (insert help me, I’m poor in a Kristen Wiig voice)? Wait — I’m paying for two years at one time? What am I even going to be doing in two years? Will I have a baby? Will I be a mommyblogger? Oh, dear God, don’t let me be one of those mommybloggers. Wait, what was I talking about?

Anyway, long story long, I coughed over the money, so here I will remain — through April of 2015, at least. It’s weird to think about the future in terms of where we will be then versus where we are now. I will have a master’s degree (!!!) plus almost a year of work experience (hopefully). Michael will be well into his dissertation (hopefully). I don’t want to jinx things and talk about babies — we don’t want them coming too soon or not at all — but yeah, babies.

Pictured above is a to-do list notepad I found in my desk the other day. I smiled at Past Lauren, who thought it was PERFECT FOR ORGANIZING HER BUSY LIFE. She was adorable, wasn’t she? Now I can’t fit what I need to do in one day on what is supposed to fit in a whole week.

Sometimes I feel stuck between trying to live in the moment and enjoy this time in our life, and trying to plan for the future. It’s like the Colin Hay song “Waiting for My Real Life to Begin.” Since moving to Louisiana (one year ago next month), life has been rough — great, but rough. The stress of both spouses being in grad school is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s put tremendous strain on our marriage, mostly because THERE IS NEVER ANY TIME. And when there is, we’re too tired to do anything other than a date on the couch (or is it with the couch?). We keep saying things like “In our next house…” and “When we graduate…” and “When we have the money…” It’s difficult to live in the moment when your in-the-moment resources are completely tapped. One or both of us have been in grad school for nearly our entire marriage. About once a week, one of us will look at the other and say “WHAT ARE WE DOING?” We know the payoff will be huge, and we know the end will come eventually, but wow.

And so here I am, constantly trying to find the balance between “waiting for my real life to begin” and realizing THIS IS MY REAL LIFE. Paying for web hosting for the next two years because this space is meaningful to me right now. Thinking about babies while praying they don’t show up quite yet. Planning vacations with Michael while being content with calling a bottle of $5 wine and a Bones marathon on Netflix “date night.” Talking about a dream house back in Texas while feeling thankful for our time in Lafayette. Starting a countdown to graduation (May 2014!) while soaking in everything I’m learning and enjoying this brief time before real life really begins. I guess that’s what life is all about — a continual state of trying to find the balance between making plans and living in the moment. I feel like I’ve been teetering to the side of wanting to be in the future a little too much lately. As I finish out this semester, I want to find a better balance and enjoy the here and now. There will be a future to look forward to for a very long time, but I will never get to experience today again.

Whew! A girl doesn’t blog for three weeks and all kinds of things happen! Apparently, while I was studying for and recovering from midterms (which also included drawing on my hands like a middle schooler when I was supposed to be reading), the Internet decided to blow up. I need to talk about it, and I need to know how you guys feel. Let’s get started.

Google Reader, may he/she rest in peace. I mean, what?! Why, Google, why?! I know we’re all over it now (at least we’re pretending we’ve moved on), but it really was shocking to hear that news. Oh, Google. What other free goodness do you plan to bestow only to later rip from our hands in the coming years? And how are y’all keeping track of blogs now? Bloglovin’ or something else? If you would like to continue following mine, please do so via one of my adorable (if I do say so myself) buttons, or subscribe via email:

Alright, now that we’ve got all that out of the way, let’s talk about what else has happened in these three short weeks. First, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE 20/20 AMIRITE?

Also…VERONICA MARS MOVIE IS HAPPENING!!!!!!! (What do you think about how they’re raising funds via Kickstarter? Brilliant or weird?) And Arrested Development Season 4 is right around the corner. I’m going to need to take a break from school when that happens, because how can I not watch all the episodes at once? Not possible. That would be like eating one Dorito at a time instead of the entire bag and wow, this got personal really quickly. Moving on.

Have you SEEN 33 Dogs That Cannot Even Handle It Right Now?!?!??!?!??! Because, if you haven’t, click. NOW. I’ll wait. Here’s a preview, in case you needed further coaxing.

Okay, this post is a hot mess. How about I end it here and try again soon?

[images: VMars, cat]

Full disclosure, y’all: I should be studying right now. I have a mid-term tomorrow (I’m posting this on Tuesday evening) and am super anxious and stressed about that. But I also know it’s important to blog right now. My 27th birthday is tomorrow, which makes me have all the feelings. I’m thankful for another year, I’m sad I can’t be with friends and family back home, I’m looking forward to going out with new friends after class, and I’m also sort of scratching my head with disbelief because THERE’S NO WAY I CAN BE THIS CLOSE TO THIRTY RIGHT?

I love looking back on milestone posts, especially birthdays. I get to see how much I’ve grown and changed in 365 days. On my 25th birthday, going back to school was in the very beginning stages of my thought process. On my 26th birthday, I had one semester under my belt, and was looking forward to returning to grad school. Today, I am in the midst of my third semester. In a few short weeks, I will have completed exactly half of my program.

It’s hard for me to think in terms of anything but school right now. I want to stop and appreciate the other things about my life, like how I have been doing freelance writing and social media management for almost a year (next month is the one-year anniversary of my first official freelance gig), and how it has been a huge part of supporting Michael and I while we are in school. I want to remember that, while marriage is one of the most difficult things I have ever been a part of, that there is something beautiful about being with the same man for over six years now, and having shared so many life experiences with him — with so many more to come. As Ben Affleck put it so wonderfully, “It’s good, it is work, but it’s the best kind of work. There’s no one I’d rather work with.” I want to memorialize, as I did with this post, my continued journey not only towards being a counselor, but also personal mental health.

In the midst of being SO STRESSED and SO BUSY, it can be hard to see the good, but it’s there. It may seem that my life is at a standstill right now. While everyone else is having babies and buying houses and moving up the many ladders, there are times when I feel stuck, like WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? When I step back and look at the big picture, I see a lot going on. I’m building a strong, solid foundation for my future work as a counselor. Michael and I are working hard to make our marriage last for the long haul. Just because I’m not doing what “I’m supposed to be doing” (which is what, exactly?) at the age of twenty-seven doesn’t mean I’m not progressing. The pace may be slow and steady, but I’ve heard that’s what wins the race.

By this time next year, I will almost be finished with my master’s (!!!). While it’s hard to plan anything outside of SCHOOL! CLASS! WORK! REPEAT!, I do have a few goals for this year. I want to continue to make better decisions regarding food and exercise. Cooking/preparing meals at home, drinking more water, and generally trying to be more active have been the baby steps I’ve taken in 2013, and I want to keep moving in the direction of a healthier lifestyle. I want to continue to work on our marriage, which we have been diligently doing, despite both of us having impossible schedules. Even planning (and yes, writing it in my planner) to meet one evening a week has been beneficial to us. We eat dinner and read a book or listen to a sermon together, and then talk about what we’re learning. I want to continue doing that and adding to quality time together whenever possible. I also want to keep a list close by of small ways I can show Michael that I love him and am thinking about him — that way, when I am too tired to think, I’ll have an idea at the ready. I hope to continue to blog here without worrying about how often (as long as it is “regular”) and stressing about stats, comments, and readers. I have been enjoying replying to comments simply because I value you all so much, and it has been a fun thing for me to feel like I am part of the community here, instead of writing stuff, reading comments, and then failing to interact further. We have a few trips to plan, and I want to continue working on my To-do before 30 (the clock is ticking!). It will be a busy year, no doubt, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a great one.

I’m going to post this without proofreading, so please ignore any glaring mistakes or grammatical errors. That’s something else I’m learning to do, to embrace the imperfections in life, because sometimes they are pretty great — or maybe just not as bad as I thought they were going to be. For now, I have to get back to studying. Wish me luck/say a prayer that I rock that midterm, and that I don’t barf from anxiety before I actually get to rock it. Thank you all for showing up here and reading what I have to say. It really does mean so much.

And many more…on channel 4…

I’ve been feeling it lately. That awful, creeping feeling. It starts out as a twinge, really. An abrupt, negative reaction to something that wouldn’t normally bother me. An abrupt, negative reaction to nothing at all. And then, if I allow, it begins to fester. It gets worse and stronger, until I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning and I can’t fall asleep at night. I catch myself gasping because I was unconsciously holding my breath. Suddenly, I’m sad and I’m not sure why. My whole body feels tense. This feeling steals my drive and motivation and replaces them with exhaustion and apathy. I’m talking about depression and anxiety.

People often ask me how I got here. Why did I decide to pursue counseling as a career?

About five years ago, life hit me like a ton of bricks. I got married on November 18th, moved in with my new husband, and graduated college a month later. We got a dog, I hunted for a job, and we began the pursuit of the life I had always pictured: married, house in the suburbs, 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence. We lived in a tiny apartment and I got a job working from home. Michael worked as a speech therapist for the school system. On the outside, everything was fine. We were The Perfect Couple and were going to live Happily Ever After. So why did I feel like I couldn’t breathe? Why did I cry myself to sleep every night?

It took about 6 months for me to even consider a solution to the problem. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to see anybody. Working from home exacerbated the whole situation, as an entire week would go by and the only person I had spoken to was Michael. I closed myself off from everyone, including him. I didn’t know how to put into words what I was feeling. I thought if I ignored it for long enough, it would go away.

One night, in the summer of 2008, I crawled into bed at about 7pm. I felt like there was a weight sitting on my chest and I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe. I was paralyzed. Michael came into the bedroom and, for the umpteenth time, suggested I see a counselor.

I’m not going to go into the reasons why I was in that place, simply because I believe that some things are better left off the Internet. I’m willing to talk about them in the right type of setting, but I don’t want to get hung up on them. In counseling, we try to maintain our focus on the here-and-now. Yes, your past is important. It has shaped you, for good or for bad. But it cannot be changed. Our past gives us insight into why we react in certain ways, but if all we do in counseling is constantly dwell on the past, we can never move forward. Understanding our past brings us to a greater level of self-awareness, so that we can then use that self-awareness to change how we experience the here-and-now.

I spent almost 2 years in counseling, and I can honestly say it changed my life. In some ways, it even saved my life. I am a person of faith, and I do believe that through God, all things are possible. But I also believe that you can get to a place where you cannot see the light, and you might not be able to see anything. You need someone to help you get out of that terrible place so you can see the light again. That was what counseling did for me. My counselor reached her hand into that awful place and slowly helped tug me out. It was a process, and sometimes it felt like I took 5 steps back for every wobbly step forward. But eventually, I was able to come back into the light, and now I have more faith than ever that God used my counselor to bring me to the place where change could begin.

When we moved to small town East Texas so Michael could get his master’s, I said goodbye to my counselor. I wasn’t in a perfect place, but I was much more self-aware and possessed several important skills necessary to my mental health. I continued to struggle with depression and anxiety, and then I found a missing piece. I ended a 3-YEAR stint of working from home and took a job OUTSIDE THE HOME. I immediately felt like a different person. I had discovered a very important piece of information about myself that is imperative to my mental health and wellness: I cannot stay at home all day every day. When I have to get up in the morning and be somewhere by a certain time, when I have to get dressed and put on makeup, when I go somewhere where I am expected and needed and appreciated, I thrive. It was while at that job I realized that yes, I wanted to work outside the home, but not just any job. I wanted to be in a field that helped others and made a difference. I made the decision go back to school for counseling, and thus began this part of my journey.

I didn’t want to write this post. I’ve been feeling it lately, that awful feeling. My depression is an old tattered quilt. It’s hideous, and provides no warmth, but it’s familiar, and there’s a comfort in that. When I feel myself wanting to pull it out, I remember that not talking about things is what gives them power. Not writing about them and sharing them with others. The other night, I poured out everything I’d been feeling lately to Michael, and immediately felt the grip had been loosened. Talking is powerful. Talking about things leads to self-awareness, which is essentially knowing what you are feeling and why you are feeling it. Circumstances may not change, but self-awareness is a valuable skill to help you handle them. You will know that you respond to certain triggers so you can either avoid them or prepare for them. You know why you respond to certain triggers. When you are riding that roller coaster of feelings and emotions, you will know where the next dip or loop is, and you can clench your teeth (or throw your hands in the air and yell) and get through it.

This is something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, but there’s strength in knowing that. It’s the quilt I wrap myself in on days when I am tempted to reach for my depression. Like many other things, it’s a process, and it’s lifelong. I can’t wait to help clients reach self-awareness and meet their goals. The mere thought excites me and is such a big part of what keeps me going. Isn’t that the way life works? Every day, we work, we reach, and we try. We do our best. And on the days we don’t quite make it? We can try again tomorrow.