Stand Up Comedy ...from a Seated Position

Teabagging the T-Party

2010-10-30T14:34:00.005-04:00

How the Coons/O'Donnell debate should've gone...

(And yes, I know there are some smart people in the Tea Party. They're not smart enough to pick a better name ...and they could "thin the herd" a bit... but I'm sure they're smart nonetheless.)

The Porcelain God

2010-09-19T10:11:00.006-04:00

I'm worried...and not just that I'll lose the hair on my head and have to use my ear hair for a comb over.

I'm worred that modern bathrooms are undermining Christian beliefs...

...and not just on the morning after the office Christmas party.

I know what you're thinking: "Steve I feel same way...explain to my non-believing friends." Well call 'em over the computer, because here's how it goes:

Back there in the first part of the bible, before all the begats, there's a rule (I know, there are lots of rules, but this is one of the big ones they put on the bulletin board at Sunday School).

The rules is about not praying to idols...I think it's one of the important ones. And, with the exception of the neo-cons that prostate themselves to Anne Coulter's latest book every night*, it's pretty much stuck with us...

...until now.

Now, whenever you use a "modern"public bathroom you don't have to touch anything. Correction, you should still touch somethings -- seriously people a little coordination and aim would really help here -- but I digress...

To be more accurate, you can't touch anything -- at least not to turn it on. Want soap? Better start trying to air stroke the movement detector just right or you'll be there all day, covered in filth. Want water? Again with the clasping and waving.

At the end of it all, you end of with your hands clasps together, waving them and begging for cleanliness from the red, all-seeing eyes. If it's been a long day you actually beg out loud.

Then you end up doing a similar act of contrition to the paper towel gods to get the 4" of rough dry manna they give you to dry your hands with. (Or you get to use one of the new, improved air blowers, which can now blow the skin from your fingers back to your wrists but somehow -- through demonic magic, I'm sure -- still manage not get them dry).

Now that you've been warned, I hope you'll turn away from sin and join those of us that see this evil trickery for what it is. Come join us...

...just don't shake our hands.

*This claim that Anne Coulter fans are actually idol-worshipers is stated as fact even though there is no proof to back it up -- which seems very appropriate.

Right on Target...

2010-09-09T22:01:00.003-04:00

I wish this was an amusing, original post about the backlash against the Minnesota-based retailer, but it's not (you're welcome). Instead, it's a post about another backlash...

...and another, um, target.

Empty Space

2010-07-15T07:35:00.004-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. A couple months ago I went to MySpace to check in on my old site and, well, I tripped and fell. I laid there for days and no one came by to help -- it was awful.

Finally I thought I heard someone else log in, but it was just some a-hole promoting a garage band. He just uploaded a horrible video and left -- imagine laying there for two weeks listening to some spoiled kids from the burbs talk about how horrible it is to be rich and bored.I tried posting to del.icio.us for help, but let's face it, unless it's a photo of a nude celebrity or a wild conspiracy theory, no one reads anything there. I got smarter when I posted to reddit.com and said that I was a hot 20 year old blonde with a fetish for overweight, over-confident guys who love PHP progamming and that I needed help configuring my linux box...

...I was almost trampelled with the response.

Anyway, I'm glad to be back, and wanted to celebrate by sharing this little gem, courtesy of http://www.livfilms.com/:

Black on Beck

2010-05-14T11:23:00.002-04:00

Yea...I had nothing to do with this, but boy I wish I had. Lewis Black is everything I like about comedy: intelligent, loud, political and angry. Enjoy...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Back in Black - Glenn Beck's Nazi Tourette's

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

Those Suspicious Types

2010-05-03T09:23:00.004-04:00

Phoenix, Monday, May 3 - Following Saturday evening's thwarted bombing, Arizona is passing new legislation authorizing police to pull over any white man that appears to be in his 40's and driving an SUV, to check for criminal activity.

It was like going to that "other" mall...

2010-03-10T07:25:00.003-05:00

Saw this one over at MySpace...and figured no one else would see it there, so here it is -- one of my favorite amateur, self-effacing, piano, song videos:

This Just In(box)

2010-02-25T13:58:00.002-05:00

New reports indicate that married women are twice as likely to be obese as single women. When asked why, one researcher explained:

"Single women come home at the end of the day, look what's in the fridge, shake their heads and go to bed...

...while married women come home at the end of the day, look what's in bed, shake their heads and go to the fridge."

(Thanks to regular* reader Rick for sending this along.)

*Rick's regularity is sponsored by FiberOne.

Rather Good Stuff, Indeed

2010-01-22T17:24:00.005-05:00

A friend posted this on facebook and I wanted to spread the word to my loyal readers (both of you). Check out the video below and then head on over to rathergood.com -- tell them Steve D. sent you*

*And when they say "Steve who?" simply say "Never mind..."

Two Quickies

2010-01-14T00:00:00.003-05:00

The other day I overheard publishing analyst wondering if John Heilemann would be able to sell as many books if he wasn't so light-skinned.

Also, there's a new bill in congress to move the Winter Soltice to April 21st, pointing out that the current date makes is too cold and the early sunset limits the ability for supporters to hold evening events.

Only on The Onion...and in Michael Steele's Dreams

2009-12-11T09:46:00.002-05:00

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP

The Toy That Has Everything

2009-11-28T09:02:00.001-05:00

...or at least everything he needs:

Tarzan Fail
by failblog

Shameless Plug...

2009-11-21T12:49:00.004-05:00

Disturbing brown stain aside, Artie Lange's new DVD is an awesome piece of comedy, put together just the way I like it: dark, self-effacing and very damn funny.

As you know, Artie and I go way back...meaning we're both over 40 and haven't actually met. Still, I'm sure he'd plug my DVD (if I had one...and if he'd ever heard of me), so I figured I'd pay it forward and send my minions (all 4 of you) out looking for the DVD.

Greasing the Wheels

2009-11-21T12:37:00.002-05:00

I've been trying to follow politics recently, and it seems everyone is always talking about how this is a "slippery slope," that's a "slippery slope," etc. etc.

I swear if I ever find the guy that coined the phrase slippery slope, I'm going to put him on skates and push him off a cliff. Better yet, I'm going to put him on skates and push him down a gentle hill so it almost seems like fun but then it gets steeper and steeper and then it goes off a cliff.

He'll never see it coming.

Counting the Years

2009-11-05T16:26:00.001-05:00

Thanks for all the years, Sesame Street...

Ye of Little Faith...

2009-10-17T20:01:00.004-04:00

So, everyone's still talking about Falcon Heene and whether or not this whole ballooon thing was a hoax.

I swear I haven't heard this much talk about a reality TV star in the closet since the last season of American Idol.

Carried Away...

2009-10-15T19:59:00.002-04:00

So, it turns out that little Falcon Heene was never on the balloon, but hid in the closet while military helicopters went out looking for him and the Denver Airport was temporarily shut down.

Needless to say, I'm sure he's, um, grounded.

Passin' It Around...

2009-10-15T18:12:00.003-04:00

I know I'm due for an original post, but just hold your friggin' horses.

In the mean time, I wanted to share a vid that regular reader Rick sent in:

more later, I promise.

Gotcha Captcha

2009-09-23T20:49:00.002-04:00

Laugh 'til it hurts

2009-09-22T13:23:00.003-04:00

I know they have their own site, but if you missed this on Funny or Die, it's worth taking a look...

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

No one asked me, but...

2009-09-22T13:16:00.004-04:00

I think the world would be a batter place if people were more passive aggressive, but I guess they can do whatever they want. I'm just saying...

This'll have to do...

2009-09-19T12:13:00.007-04:00

For a while now I've wanted to post one of the infamous (or maybe non-famous) Robert Smigel bits from Comedy Central's TV Funhouse
(it ran back in the twilight of the last century): the one about the boy suppressing his "natural urges."

But alas YouTube and Hulu came up short, so you'll have to settle for this:

Take 2 and call me when you peel yourself off the ceiling

2009-09-13T22:57:00.005-04:00

So it appears I've got a cold, which, you know, we still don't have a cure for.

Of course, if my cold should make me bald, we've got a cure for that.

Or if my cold should make me impotent, there's a cure for that too.

Basically, if my cold turns me into a 60 year old executive, I'm covered.

Now, while we can't seem to find a cure for the cold, I'm glad to say that we have done a bang up job hiding the symptoms. We've got aspirin, ibuprofen -- and the Godfather of all cold medicines:

NyQuil.

Now, to be honest, I'm not sure anyone really knows if NyQuil makes you feel better. All they know is that they took NyQuil and don't remember anything after that.

As for me, I'm on Sudafed, my absolute favorite cold medicine. One little red pill takes me from sniffling and moaning straight to bright eyed, bushy-tailed and frantic.

Honestly, sudafed works so damn well on it's own that I think the folks that use it to make Meth are just getting greedy.

Driven to Distractions

2009-09-09T14:46:00.003-04:00

So, I was gonna go to the DMV today, but I accidentally showered and shaved this morning...so I'll have to wait a couple of days.

Have you noticed this? Everyone in line in the DMV looks like they clearly need a license, because it's apparent they've been walking - without a comb, change of clothes or a mirror - for the past week or so.

What I don't get are the statistical odds. I mean, just about everybody needs a license, which means that after a few visits you should eventually see a few more folks that looked like they had a job, home - or anywhere besides a meth clinic - to go to after their time in motor vehicle purgatory. But somehow I always dodge those folks....

I think if a sociologist from an alien race studied your average DMV waiting room he would have to deduct that we have maximums on the IQ and income of people we give licenses to. And the good news is, an alien wondering around the DMV probably wouldn't even seem out of place.

Holding Class with the President

2009-09-08T16:28:00.003-04:00

So everyone's been talking about the President's speech to school students, and opinions are everywhere...

One Fox News viewer was initially excited that about the event, until someone explained to her that "indoctrination" did not, in fact, mean that listening to the President would make her son a doctor.

Of course, some publicly-funded schools couldn't afford the TV's or computers necessary for today's live speech. At these schools, students were encouraged to sit quietly and watch the speech on their iPhone or BlackBerry.

And students themselves are also commenting on the President's speech. One high school senior was really looking forward to the speech, explaining that he's "stoked to see Bill Clinton on TV - I love that guy." A sophomore at a second school said that she would also watch the speech, but under protest: "No matter what he says, I'm voting for Bush in the next election...I already mailed in my ballot and everything."

In a more drastic move, a group of students at one Montana school feel that the President has gone to far. "If this continues, we've decided to defect," explained the groups leader, "we'll all leave the country and move to New Mexico."