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Introduction

It happens to us all: When you first meet you’re at it like rabbits, a wedding ring and a few years down the line and suddenly you’re living in a barren sex-free wasteland.

But it needn’t be like that, follow our simple instructions and you’ll be able to manipulate your wife (or husband, or long term partner) into giving you all the sex you can handle.

Credits

A Lightning Bug production

Background

When you were first going out together she just couldn’t get enough of you. Once she got the ring on her finger, her interest seemed to wane and after five long years your marriage is suddenly a sex-free zone.

But don’t despair, help is at hand. With LBUGtv’s guaranteed method you’ll score more regularly than Silvio Berlusconi at a bunga bunga party.

More effective than Viagra or Rohypnol or any aphrodisiac and cheaper too. Before you know it you’ll be having more sex than you could ever have dreamed of. Probably.

UPDATE: You’ve seen the Boots ad, but remember you saw it here first.

Sex facts, stats and tips

The average adult has sex 61 times a year

Tips for improving your sex life

• Treat your partner as if you’re dating – have a wash every now and then
• Romance your spouse outside the bedroom – jump on them in the kitchen or a shop
• Plan a date night – (with your spouse)
• Talk with your partner, listen to your partner – a high price to pay
• Understand your partner’s sexual needs and desires – then ignore them
• Keep physically fit and attractive for your partner – try not to repel them
• Have fun and engage in foreplay – more than five seconds
• Be adventurous and creative in and outside the bedroom – draw a picture
• Exercise, preferably together – a spot of boxing perhaps
• Stop smoking and get your partner to quit – no one wants to kiss an ash tray
• Watch your weight and cholesterol – cut down on the pies fat boy

More at: http://healthguide.howstuffworks.com/marriage-and-sex-dictionary4.htm

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Introduction

One day in early 2011 Sky TV’s long established football anchor team of Richard Keys and Andy Gray were casually chatting off-air about the appointment of female official Sian Massey as one of the assistant referees for the Wolves v Liverpool Premier League game.

The comments they made about the official’s assumed lack of knowledge of the rules of the game (and further incriminating remarks about women) were leaked to the internet.

Suddenly the star duo were out of work and Sian Massey was withdrawn from active duty for her own protection.

So you too don’t fall foul of the offside rule we’ve prepared this entry level introduction to football’s most famous law.

Credits

A Lightning Bug production

Background

Football (soccer, if you really must) is a simple game – two teams have 90 minutes to kick a ball into the other side’s goal more times than their opponents can do to them. But some of the rules of football confuse people, none more so than the offside law.

We at LBUGtv, being the helpful souls that we are, have prepared this handy beginner’s guide to offside.

We won’t go into arguments surrounding interference, active and passive zones and phases of play here as that’s a bit much for all but the monkey handed genius himself, Richard Keys.

Now you know the basics you too can “smash it” with the boys – just like our star striker and future footballer of the year, Brucie Bear who is kindly demonstrating how to stay on side. Now if someone would kindly let Emmanuel Adebayor in on the secret…

The offside rule

This is what the official FIFA Laws of the Game have to say on the subject:

Offside position
It is not an offence in itself to be in an offside position.

A player is in an offside position if:
• he is nearer to his opponents’ goal line than both the ball and the
second-last opponent

A player is not in an offside position if:
• he is in his own half of the field of play or
• he is level with the second-last opponent or
• he is level with the last two opponents

Offence
A player in an offside position is only penalised if, at the moment the ball
touches or is played by one of his team, he is, in the opinion of the referee,
involved in active play by:
• interfering with play or
• interfering with an opponent or
• gaining an advantage by being in that position

No offence
There is no offside offence if a player receives the ball directly from:
• a goal kick
• a throw-in
• a corner kick

Infringements and sanctions
In the event of an offside offence, the referee awards an indirect free kick
to the opposing team to be taken from the place where the infringement
occurred.

Now you know.

For more on the offside rule also see The FIFA interactive guide to football’s offside rule.

Following a goalscoring debut the Scottish FA are investigating possible Scots roots of the Liverpool beach ball.

The gruesome group lurched around the streets of Los Angeles, Istanbul, Mexico City, Beijing, Liverpool and Ayr, where the event went largely unnoticed.

“It’s just like being at home,” he said.

WOMAN: Aye, and he won’t be trying that again.

WIFE: I can’t believe it. I didn’t suspect a thing, he told me the solid gold helmet and truncheon were standard issue.

He must also answer the more serious charge of not punching Simon Cowell.

It will only require an additional £135.8 billion to return the country to full employment.

The money will be spent on improving transport infrastructure, building schools, a gold plated limo with champagne jacuzzi, some pretty frocks and a trip to Disneyland.

It will be rolled out to other airports if it successfully deters air travel.