Leadership Tangles Blog

You are the Captain of Your Own Ship

info@rubenconsulting.com (Marcia Ruben, PhD, PCC) — Fri, 24 Jun 2022 21:24:05 GMT

Just before Father’s Day, I saw a post on one of my social media accounts asking us to reflect on the best advice or insights we received from our father. I immediately remembered that my father once told me “You are the captain of your own ship.” Then I recalled the situation and why that advice was so profound in my life.

My first job was as an 8^th-grade math teacher. I loved math as a student and was lucky to find a job in a brand-new school. What I didn’t realize was that, surprise, surprise, very few of the students were as excited about math as I was. Further, I learned that the biggest part of my job was being a disciplinarian, which I was not equipped to carry out as a recent college graduate.

I became disillusioned with teaching and eager to find a new career. The challenge was that I wasn’t quite sure what to do next. My parents were both immigrants to the U.S. and I didn’t have any other adult mentors at the time. On one of my trips home, I remember that I was agonizing and fretting, ruminating, and tying myself up in knots about what to do next. Seeing my anxiety and discomfort, my father looked me straight in the eye and said, “You are the captain of your own ship.” The phrase stopped me, and a seed was planted. Looking back, I recall that although I knew it was important, I was also a long way from steering my own ship, let alone knowing what ship I was on.

I spent the next few years focusing on finding something I loved and could do well. I took classes, joined a professional organization, and went faithfully to their monthly meetings. One summer, I took a course on “new careers for educators” and as I recall, conducted well over 150 informational interviews. I knew I wanted to enter the business world and made it my mission to learn anything I could about business by reading, talking to people, and listening.

Along the way, in one of my most down moments, one of my informational interviews was with a very successful man. He also said something very profound, which I remember to this day. He emphasized the importance of believing in myself and that “cream rises to the top.” I wish I still had his name as his sage advice and compassion for me pulled me out of one of my lowest low points. I took copious notes during our meeting and read them over and over again until his message sunk into my soul.

I put in the work and was fortunate to land a dream job at Shaklee Corporation. My career evolved from there and so did my self-confidence as I took risks and took on new challenges. I became a trainer, consultant, salesperson, manager, leader, executive coach, and then a graduate school professor. I also continued to educate myself by regularly taking personal and professional development classes, earning two Master’s degrees and then a Ph.D. Being a curious and voracious learner was my growth path.

In the last couple of years, I completed several growth edge coaching courses and deepened my understanding of adult development. Most of us are in the “socialized” form of mind or way of thinking. We rely on external cues to validate what we think, feel, and do. The next evolution in one’s development is to move to self-authored. This is characterized by what Jennifer Garvey Berger says is being the Chair of your own Board of Directors. When self-authored, you have your own set of rules and regulations which you rely on to resolve conflicts and make decisions. There is a developmental step beyond self-authored, which is called "self-transforming." This stage is rare and typically occurs well into middle age, if at all. It is characterized by an ability to see multiple perspectives and shades of gray. Evolution from one stage to another occurs when an individual becomes aware that how they are making sense of the world isn't working for them, that they need a broader perspective and new ways to make sense of the increasing demands and complexity in their roles. A coach trained in this methodology can be quite useful.

As I reflected on what my father taught me that day long ago, I realized that he had pointed out a signpost in the evolution of adult development. At the time, it was so far away that I couldn’t grasp fully, if at all, what that really meant. All I know is that it was a beacon of hope that sparked my soul, and I knew that I had to work hard to make it a reality.

In my current role as a graduate school professor teaching leadership courses, I observe that many of my working adult students are still looking for that external validation. And I also see that in some of my executive coaching clients. Being aware of one’s stage of development is the first step in moving from a socialized to a more self-authored state, or what my father long ago said—being the captain of your own ship.

Where are you on this journey? Are you truly the captain of your own ship?

What Does it Mean to Be Accountable?

info@rubenconsulting.com (Marcia Ruben, PhD, PCC) — Sat, 14 May 2022 20:42:45 GMT

Several years ago, I worked as a consultant for a Fortune 500 high-tech company. I was part of a team of consultants hired to help this company make significant changes. Specifically, I was hired to assist with the human side of change, which meant building strategies to ensure buy-in and adoption. I was part of a team of other successful consultants. I remember one particular moment when our team gave each other feedback at the end of the project. One colleague commented that I was accountable. I remember being very flattered and validated. Yet what did this mean?

Accountability Starts With You

To me, accountability starts with oneself. It is a form of self-integrity. When I say I will do something, I am committing to myself and someone else. If I don't follow through, I am out of integrity, not only with the other person but also with myself. I am violating the deeply held value that I honor my commitments.

Early in my career, I participated in several personal development courses. Ironically, the focus of the course was the notion of being responsible and keeping commitments. I remember one occasion when a man asked to borrow some money from me, probably for a meal. It was a small amount, and still, I was at the beginning of my career and not making a lot of money. I loaned him the money and requested that he pay me back. The course ended, and he never mentioned it or paid me back. I still remember being angry at myself for loaning the money and trusting that others were "getting" the lesson.

I have, of course, not followed through on every commitment I have made, and to this day get a nagging feeling in my stomach when I realize I have dropped the ball, especially when it impacts others. For example, I teach graduate-level courses in leadership, and many of the courses are online. At the beginning of each term, I prepare the course website. There are dozens of settings, and it is easy to miss something. More than once, I have overlooked a date or neglected something that impacts our students, who are all very busy working adults. I always get a pit in my stomach when a mistake is pointed out, and if my mistake impacts the students, I give them credit or points or extend a deadline.

Accountability and Ownership

In the business world, being accountable also starts with oneself and signifies a sense of ownership and a willingness to take responsibility when things go wrong. In my executive coaching work, the best leaders are willing to admit and take ownership of their mistakes. That is a sign of accountability. I have also occasionally worked with leaders whose lack of accountability negatively impacts the deliverables of their team. If they are willing to acknowledge that they have not been accountable, we can develop a strategy to ensure that they are. In rare cases, I have worked with leaders who had many reasons and excuses, and their employment was terminated.

Culture of Accountability

Organizations can consciously create a culture of accountability. First, managers are expected to provide clear expectations, give ongoing positive and constructive feedback, and have consequences when expectations are not met. In the best teams, team members give each other ongoing positive and constructive feedback, and all subscribe to the belief that the only way the team wins is if everyone wins. There is a sense of shared ownership.

Accountability and You

What are your thoughts about accountability? What does it mean to you? How do you respond when you don't keep a commitment? When others don't keep their commitments to you or the team?

President Volodymyr Zelenskyy and the Power of Emotional Contagion

info@rubenconsulting.com (Marcia Ruben, PhD, PCC) — Thu, 17 Mar 2022 20:46:54 GMT

I have been closely following the news about the invasion of Ukraine with horror, and like so many, have been in awe of President Zelenskyy’s leadership. As an Associate Professor, I oversee a Master's of Leadership program at Golden Gate University and designed most of the courses. Because of my fascination with neuroscience and its application to leadership behavior, I've included that information in many of our courses.

One of the topics that we cover is emotional contagion. We start that discussion by describing mirror neurons. Mirror neurons were discovered quite by accident by Italian researchers. The story goes that they were researching Macaque monkeys. The monkeys' brains responded not only when they picked up food but when they saw a researcher pick up an ice cream cone. The experiment was replicated in humans. Researchers further discovered that the mirror neurons fired even before observing a specific action.

The bottom line is that paying attention to others changes our brain and helps explain why we automatically mimic facial expressions and movements. Think of the last time you were with a toddler. You smile, and they smile. You shake your head, and they shake their head. Understanding mirror neurons also help us understand emotional contagion, as the two are thought to be linked.

Before the pandemic, my husband and I used to go to Warrior basketball games. I was struck by how the energy in a stadium of thousands was ebullient when the Warriors were winning. It felt like the air was sucked out of the room whenever they started to lose. I could feel the depressed energy. That is emotional contagion.

Scientists have concluded that mirror neurons fire when we perform an action and when we watch someone else perform that same action. We model others by simulating what we observe in our minds at a basic biological level. Even more striking, our emotions can activate someone else's mirror neuron system. One person's positive good mood can change the brain of others. And someone's ugly negative mood can also impact others. I've coached leaders who come into work in a bad mood, and they negatively impact the mood of the whole office.

What does this have to do with President Zelenskyy and Ukraine? When the war started on February 24, 2022, it had to be frightening to know that a massive army of over 150,000 surrounded your country and was advancing, intent on taking it over. Cities were fired on and bombed. Hospitals and schools were destroyed. The human brain is wired to keep us safe, and our amygdala, or threat detector, is constantly scanning for threats. The level of raw fear had to be palpable and triggered a fight, flight, or freeze response. Zelenskyy could have fled the country like past presidents.

Rather, he stayed and has consistently shown up as a courageous leader. His brave energy and positive emotions were contagious and impacted the mirror neurons of his citizens. People who might have fled decided to stay and fight. Some even left and were inspired to come back and fight. Day after day, Zelenskyy's brave, positive mood influenced not only the citizens of Ukraine. It influenced the citizens of the world.

We know that emotional contagion is unconscious and automatic. We sense an emotion of others before we are aware, and it, in turn, impacts our emotional state. Zelensky’s acting background may have helped him show up with such strength and courage, although I imagine that is hard to fake when one’s country is being destroyed. What we are witnessing is the power of emotional contagion. How has President Zelensky’s leadership style impacted your notions about leadership?

Source: McMaster, H. (2008). Are we on the same wavelength? Mirror neurons and shared experience. NeuroLeadership Journal, 1, 67-70

The Two-Faced Backstabbing Tangle

info@rubenconsulting.com (Marcia Ruben, PhD, PCC) — Tue, 30 Nov 2021 18:58:31 GMT

I coined the "Two-Faced Backstabbing Tangle" after experiencing a particularly painful personal interaction. Naming it led me to reflection and discovery and the recognition that this is a common phenomenon. I also discovered some ways to mitigate its impact. In my capacity as an executive coach and consultant, I have seen this nasty tangle snarl teams. Here's the story of its origins, its biological underpinnings, and how to not get snarled in the emotional pain this nasty tangle can inflict.

The Origins of the Two-Faced Backstabbing Tangle

I grew up in a home in which emotions were off-limits. Talking directly about my feelings or heaven forbid expressing them left me feeling like a stranger in a strange land. I distinctly remember being a young child crying and saying how I felt about something and being met with stares and silence. I didn't understand the lack of response. As a naturally expressive person, I shared emotions freely and wore my heart on my sleeve. Only when I became a young adult did I realize that I had grown up in an environment in which double messages were de rigueur. Communications occurred through indirectness and secret code. It was simply not okay to express emotions.

I was fortunate to find a way out of this dilemma. As a people person, I value harmonious relationships. Although conflict is not my favorite thing, I learned not to avoid it. I took several personal development courses and discovered the power of being clear and direct, standing up for myself, and more healthy ways to deal with conflict. I also learned strategies for managing conflict in both my personal and professional life.

Recently, after expressing genuine concern and making what I thought was a common-sense suggestion, a person close to me unleashed a vicious torrent of insults. I got the impression that some awful things had been said behind my back about another person who I care about deeply and me. I was shocked and deeply hurt. This was the third time this person was verbally abusive to me, and this time a line was crossed.

This encounter jarred me back to long-forgotten feelings and emotions. The realization was visceral because I experienced a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and recognized that this was the emotional space I had inhabited many, many years ago. Although I thought I had completely healed, the scar was still there. The "sock to my gut" lasted several days, and it took a while for me to get back to my center.

During this time, I began to wonder. How often had I been with family members, "friends," and work colleagues who smiled and were pleasant on the surface yet harbored ugly, nasty, and patently untrue thoughts and opinions? How often had they engaged in a whispered campaign and spread lies and untruths to make themselves feel good? Worse, could I have done this to others?

As I reflected on this last question, the answer was, unfortunately, an unqualified "yes." I have participated in whisper campaigns about others in work settings, with friends, and with family. I feel a sense of shame in admitting this given the ugliness of the phenomenon. Writing this post forced me to own and come to terms with how I may have hurt others. It has also compelled me to be more conscious in managing myself, my emotions, and my temptation to gossip about others. It has also prompted me to do my part in educating others.

I've seen the "Backstabbing Tangle" show up in families, in friendships, and in the workplace. I have worked with many teams that publicly state that they are Facebook friends yet go off in subgroups and gossip. I have worked in organizations where closed-door meetings happen all the time, and trash-talking others is a sport. I have worked with multiple leaders who wonder why they haven't been promoted to the next level yet have not received the straight, honest, and direct feedback that would allow them to be infinitely more effective.

Psychologists Have a Name for this Phenomenon

Psychologists have a name for this phenomenon. They call it "relational aggression" and describe it as a form of psychological bullying. It includes several behaviors designed to harm relationships or the social standing of others. Two specific behaviors that damage relationships are spreading nasty rumors and demeaning others. This was my experience and what others in the work world also experienced.

Biological Underpinnings—Status and In-group/Outgroup Social Drivers

Interestingly, newer research findings in neuroscience also provide a window into the biological underpinnings of this behavior. Researchers have identified nonconscious social drivers that either triggers a threat response or result in a reward. Threat responses result in the release of cortisol, which soars through our bodies and lasts several hours. Reward responses result in the release of dopamine, the feel-good hormone. Two social triggers contributing to the "Two-Faced Backstabbing Tangle" are our perception of where we are in the status hierarchy and whether we feel part of an in-group or out-group.

The individual who "trash talks" us behind our back to others creates an in-group and emotional connection by bad-mouthing. They also feel a sense of higher status—"I am better than this person because look how bad they are compared to me." According to Dr. Amy Banks, there is dopamine release when we feel safe and connect emotionally with others. Dopamine is a feel-good neurochemical that feels like a runner's high. So, in essence, the "Two-faced Backstabbing Tangler" is neurochemically rewarded. It feels good to malign and disparage others when you have a willing accomplice. What about the recipient?

Learning that others have been trash-talking us results in a nonconscious and immediate threat response. Matt Lieberman and Naomi Eisenberger's seminal research suggests that our reactions to social pain are akin to physical pain. Their lab experiments, replicated by others, demonstrate that feeling rejected or isolated and part of an out-group triggers the same part of the brain as when we are hurt physically. Just as it takes time to heal a broken bone, it takes time to heal a broken heart. Human beings have a tribal need to belong. When we feel "less than" or in an "out-group," our nonconscious reaction is lowered social status and rejection. We may experience this in our gut, feel our heart start racing or get sweaty palms. We shut down to protect ourselves and therefore don't think as clearly and are less able to make decisions.

How to Untangle a Two-Faced Backstabbing Tangle

When we find ourselves in a "Two-Faced Backstabbing Tangle," recognizing that we have been non-consciously triggered is the first step in protecting ourselves. Knowing that this biological reaction is part of our innate wiring can slow down our response and allow us to make a rational decision about how to react. After pausing to slow down our nonconscious and habitual flight or fight response, we can make a conscious choice. In my case, I provided the person a carefully crafted response along the lines of, "I feel disrespected when you speak to me like this. It is not okay (or it doesn't work for me), and I request that we treat each other respectfully." Fortunately, the bad behavior ceased for a while and then resumed.

When you Find Yourself Tempted to Be a Two-Faced Back Stabber

Depending on the family, community, or work culture in which you find yourself, it's helpful to step back and ask whether trash-talking others is the norm. If so, realize that you have a choice whether to participate or not. The second thing to note is your comfort in providing direct, objective, neutral face-to-face feedback to others. In my work as an Executive Coach with scores of leaders over the years and my work as a graduate school leadership professor, I have noticed a genuine fear among many to give feedback. It is much easier to go to a co-worker and complain about a third person than speak directly to them.

In my role as a graduate school professor at Golden Gate University, I designed a teamwork course nine years ago in which students were required to give each of their teammates feedback halfway through the term. After explaining how to give feedback, I required them to give three pieces of specific positive feedback and one piece of neutral, objective feedback. Students had to write out the feedback, submit it for feedback from the professor, and then provide the feedback face to face. Some students were able to write out the feedback beautifully. Others had challenges, especially with the one piece of constructive feedback. Many used "should" statements, e.g., "You should come prepared to our team meetings," instead of "I have observed that you come to our team meetings without having read the material. The impact is that we have to take time to explain the work to you, and that slows down our ability to complete our team assignment." What became clear to me is how the prospect of giving clear, direct feedback raised anxiety levels, making it even more challenging to articulate constructive feedback.

On the day of the feedback, students were incredibly nervous. Once they gave feedback in a neutral, objective way so that others could hear it, the tension dissipated, and there was a sense of freedom and accomplishment. Team issues that had impacted the teams usually dissolved.

My point here is that learning to be direct and timely in giving feedback is a fundamental skill and gift to others. It is also a way to avoid two-faced backstabbing behaviors.

The consequences of Not Addressing Two-Faced Backstabbing

Once ugliness is expressed, it destroys trust and makes it difficult to resume a cordial relationship. If at work, you can, of course, work around those who make a sport of bad-mouthing others. You can also decide if this is a culture within which you want to work. And most importantly, as a leader, you can clearly state your expectations for essential values, e.g., being respectful, addressing issues swiftly and directly, and what's acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior.

When the behavior occurs within a family unit, community, or friendships, it is much more difficult because of the complexity of emotional inter-connections, especially within a family system. I once had a teacher who said, "The person with the most light has to clean up the mess." This means that the one who can step back and view the situation objectively is usually best equipped to address it. The first step, as always, is to acknowledge the challenge and our role in it. The second step is to ask yourself, "Who do I want to be in this situation?" The third step is to use our best emotional intelligence skills to address the situation and set boundaries.

Coda

Sometimes you can't resolve a "Two-Faced Backstabbing Tangle," especially when the emotions generated are long-standing and deeply held. That is the case with my personal situation. It's also true in work-related ones. In these cases, we need to decide what is best for us and either leave the situation if we can and/or limit exposure to those who hurt us.

Strong Leaders are Win-Win Negotiators

info@rubenconsulting.com (Marcia Ruben, PhD, PCC) — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 17:44:23 GMT

There has been a lot in the public press flouting the negotiation skills of a certain elected leader. We have observed public bullying, insults, and threats masquerading as “good” negotiation ploys. The results of these ploys have not, as far as I can tell, yielded any measurable good deals.

These observations got me thinking. Several years ago, I worked for Wilson Learning, a global human resource development firm. One of our flagship products was a course called “Negotiating to Yes.” It was based on Roger Fisher and William Ury’s bestselling book, Getting to Yes. I was certified to teach this course, which I did several times. When I became a National Account Executive, I was lucky to work with the person in charge of negotiating multi-million dollar contracts with a major high tech semiconductor company. A colleague of mine was instrumental in customizing a whole process for this company and taught many of the courses herself.

Fisher and Ury’s negotiation methodology was based on their work at the Harvard Negotiation project. Their methodology relies on extensive preparation before any negotiation. This preparation includes thinking through potential people issues (how people might react and how tensions can be eased), each side’s unique interests underlying their positions, various options, back-up plans if the negotiation fails, and what each side aspires to and yet can live with. The process is elegant, professional, and works when followed. Underlying this process is a respect for others, and a fair and principled process.

In the work with my client, a customized course was rolled out globally to all individuals in this company that were involved in negotiation. Prior to the real annual negotiations with customers, the head of contracts gathered the negotiation teams, reviewed concepts, and role played. Everyone was prepared to achieve win-win results.

Prior to going through this process, this semiconductor company had the reputation of being dirty tricksters and “animals.” After the first couple of years of annual contract negotiations, annual contracts increased 2-25%. The margins for these contracts increased 12%. The company’s revenue increase was measured in the millions of dollars.

The negotiation costs also decreased. Prior to going through the training process the company needed a cast of 16 to 18 people to negotiate with customers. These costs were in the tens of thousands of dollars. Once the process solidified, the number of negotiators needed dropped first by one-half and then by one-fourth. Costs reduced accordingly.

Not only did revenue and margins increase, and costs decrease, the company’s reputation soared. By relying on a win-win, principled process, good deals were made for both the company and the customers. The company’s strong leadership worked even when dealing with “dirty tricksters” who tried to wear them down.

This is just once case with impressive results. Based on this one extensive case, though, and anecdotal evidence I have accumulated over the years, I can confidently state that strong leaders don’t need to bully, insult, and taunt others in order to extract a good deal. This behavior results in a win-lose proposition—I win and you lose. And, based in what we now know from results in neuroscience labs around the world, bullying behavior triggers our amygdalas, which in turn shuts down our prefrontal cortex. Our logical, creative thinking occurs when we are not feeling threatened.

I strongly recommend Wilson Learning’s course and Getting to Yes if you want to learn more.

STOP IT! Actually You Can!

info@rubenconsulting.com (Marcia Ruben, PhD, PCC) — Wed, 09 Aug 2017 18:11:23 GMT

A few years ago, some of my Silicon Valley executive coaching clients asked me if I had seen the Bob Newhart “Stop It” video. It was making the rounds in their company. When I saw it, I understood why they wanted me to watch it.

Bob Newhart plays a psychologist, Dr. Switzer, meeting with a patient, Katherine, who wants to overcome her fear of being buried alive in a box. Dr. Switzer tells Katherine that he charges $5 and can guarantee that the session will last no longer than five minutes.

Katherine explains that her long held fear of being buried alive prevents her from entering tunnels, elevators, houses, or anything “boxy shaped.” Dr. Switzer then asks her if she is claustrophobic. Katherine reluctantly responds, “Yes.” He then tells her he is going to give her a two-word solution that she can then take with her.

Katherine eagerly takes out a pen and pad out, ready for this important advice. Newhart leans in across his desk and sharply barks “Stop it!” Bewildered, she asks him what he means. He proceeds to repeat “Stop it,” over and over again. He adds that it would be terrifying to live her life afraid of being buried alive in a box and she needs to “Stop it!”

Katherine then shares a litany of fears and phobias, to which Dr. Switzer answers, “Stop it.” The skit ends hilariously and also leaves the viewer to wonder, why we can’t just stop self-sabotaging habits and behavior?

We Can Stop It--Thanks to Neuroplasticity

Bob Newhart, playing Dr. Switzer, was right, although he left out a few steps. Thanks to new findings in neuroscience, specifically neuroplasticity, we can stop self-sabotaging behavior. Norman Doidge in his new book, The Brains Way of Healing, eloquently describes neuroplasticity as our ability to change our brain's structure and how it functions “...in response activity and mental experience”. So consider Katherine, who was afraid of being buried alive. Applying neuroplasticity, Dr. Switzer could facilitate a discovery process to help Katherine uncover when this belief took root. He could also assist her in discovering that her fear, driven by an emotional memory, was undoubtedly valid in the moment, and yet, is no longer serving her. He could explain that based on this early memory, the neurons in her brain wired together so that when faced with a closed in space, she froze in fear.

Dr. Switzer can invite Katherine to identify a new, empowering belief, e.g., “I am safe in closed spaces,” and then have her repeatedly go into a closed space. By repeating her new behavior over and over again, Katherine will rewire the the neural pathways in her brain, therefore creating a new habit. She will in essence, be able to stop the old behavior.

How Leaders can “Stop It”

In a business context, if you are a leader who wants to change behaviors that occur automatically yet are holding back your career progression, the same principles apply. For instance, consider a leader who needs to delegate more and concentrate on strategy. An executive coach trained in the principles of neuroscience can be quite helpful here. The coach can help the leader identify the beliefs or assumptions that are guiding her seemingly automatic behavior of doing tasks herself.

In work I did with one leader, we discovered that her unconscious, unexplored belief was, “If I don’t do it, it will get messed up and I will be a failure.” I was able to facilitate a process that helped her discover that this belief is really an illusion. It was not true. With guidance, she realized that a more empowering belief was, “I can let go and others will learn.” I encouraged her to repeatedly delegate without abdicating. That is, she learned to provide clearer directions for the “what” she wanted and let go of how it was done. Repeating this new behavior over and over again created a new neural pathway in her brain. In time, delegating became a new habit.

The bottom line is that we can shape our mind and shape our habits. We can rewire our neurons and our brains. We can “stop it.” What automatic behaviors are getting in the way of your more effective leadership?

Check out Stop It clip on YouTube

Avoid Team Tangles--Call Pinches Before They Escalate

info@rubenconsulting.com (Marcia Ruben, PhD, PCC) — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 11:16:30 GMT

Are you or your team experiencing frequent pinches? The unwillingness or inability to verbalize and share missed expectations, or pinches, tangles team relationships and slows down productivity.

I learned about the "pinch model" many years ago while working at Wilson Learning. I have found it incredibly useful and n ow use it in my MBA classes and with clients. The Pinch Model was developed by John Sherwood and John Glidewell and then Sherwood and John Scherer expanded it further.

What's a pinch, you might ask. Imagine that you and a teammate agree to complete a deliverable by a certain date. You each have inter-related parts to contribute to the whole project and a clear deadline and deliverable. Your teammate doesn't come through on the agreed upon date. Y ou feel some momentary discomfort, like a pinch. It doesn't last long. With that first "pinch" you have two choices. Say something and resolve the issue or say nothing and hope that it doesn't happen again. What do you ordinarily do?

If you are like most people, you don't say anything and hope that the situation improves on its own. If it doesn’t improve and you say nothing, resentment and tension build, and you get to a point where you feel a “crunch.” At that point, you feel so much resentment, anger, and even hostility that you might lose your temper and say something you later regret. Or, you avoid your teammate. Either way, the working relationship is fraught with tension. You cannot “kiss and make up” when trust is eroded. The relationship may not be salvageable. In a work setting, this tangles processes, communication, and strangles productivity.

How to Avoid Crunches? Call Pinches early and often

When you start working with others, set out clear expectations and agreements about who is doing what and by when. Recognize that each person may have a different interpretation about what is expected. At the first sign of a “missed expectation, say, “I’m feeling a pinch. I thought that you were going to complete XYZ by this date. Did I misunderstand? Let’s clarify and make sure we are both on the same page.”

When I first learned this model, a colleague wisely said that clarifying your expectations with others early and often was like having a set of windshield wipers on to get rid of the bugs on your windshield. Windshield wipers keep the windows clean so you can see through them clearly. Clarifying missed expectations when they are minor keeps your relationships clean.

So, get in the habit of calling out pinches with peers and colleagues. Introduce the language of pinches to your teams and avoid team tangles. Does your team need assistance in creating productive rules of engagement? You might benefit from the assistance of a team expert. The Tangle™ is an experienced team coach and offers a variety of solutions to teams experiencing similar difficulties described in the pinch model.

Know Your Brain, Grow Your Leadership

info@rubenconsulting.com (Marcia Ruben, PhD, PCC) — Mon, 04 Apr 2016 15:53:43 GMT

I have been learning about and teaching basic neuroscience principles for the past three and a half years. I use a brain-based coaching approach in my executive coaching practice. I have come to appreciate how much a basic working knowledge of our brains can help leaders function more effectively.

We all have finely tuned brains, exquisitely developed to quickly detect threats and also seek rewards, In fact, as our brains scan our environment every 1/5 of one second, it is reassuring to know that we have five times as many circuits to pick up threats than rewards. It is especially comforting to know this when we are potentially faced with physical danger.When I am out and about and alone in a new and strange area, I am glad that my brain will alert me in a nanosecond if I need to call 911, run, or scream. I also know that cortisol will course through my body, signalling distress. And when someone gives me wonderfully positive feedback, my brain experiences this as a reward and I receive a dopamine rush.

This same finely tuned brain is also helpful at work. We are social creatures and need other people. We want to feel safe. When we feel rewarded we are more creative, learn more, and contribute more. On the other hand, because we are so attuned, our brains can pick up the slightest negative facial expression that signals a threat. A number of research studies show that when people are shown a series of facial expressions, ranging from happy to angry, they much more quickly and accurately pick up those with even subtle angry expressions.

So, think about your organization as network of executives, middle managers, and employees with finely tuned brains.

Each individual within this network is constantly and non-consciously scanning for threats and rewards.How do you know if your company is an environment more prone to rewards (hits of dopamine) than threats (blasts of cortisol)? If people are routinely coming up with new and innovative ideas, praised for good work, and meetings are fun, productive, and everyone gets a chance to talk and be heard, there is a good chance that your network of finely tuned brains is working well.

On the other hand, if individuals engage in finger-pointing, blame, backstabbing, and worse, it is likely that some are creating threats at a biological level and others are shutting down.

One of the most important insights from the intersection of neuroscience and leadership is that a leader's job is to create a psychologically safe enough environment so that employees feel empowered to express ideas and fully participate. On the other hand, there has to be enough productive stress so that deadlines are met, people stretch, and the company as a whole experiences success.

To what extent is your network of finely tuned brains aligned and working well in your company? How productive is your brain.Thanks to breakthroughs in the field of neuroscience It is now possible to optimize your leadership team. Learn more about the first and only scientifically validated brain assessment--MyBrainSolutions.

VUCA Revisited Again –Volatility Rouses Fear

info@rubenconsulting.com (Marcia Ruben, PhD, PCC) — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 15:51:00 GMT

I first wrote this post in early 2011, just after I began teaching in the MBA program at Golden Gate University as an adjunct professor. Since then, I have become a full time graduate level professor and still maintain my practice as an executive leadership consultant and coach. This continues to force me to stay current with leadership research and weave that research into a pragmatic solution for clients and business school students.

I have been writing about the concept of VUCA since I began this blog in 2008. I learned about the concept in 2005 while I was doing research for my doctoral disseration. I was interested in understanding how leaders were able to make sense of and untangle very complex, emotionally charged business challenges. I was very fortunate to meet someone who taught at the Industrial College of the Armed Forces in Washington, D.C. and he shared some of the leadership curriculum. It was there that I first read about VUCA in materials compiled by James O'Toole. At the time, I was struck by how well VUCA—volatility, uncertainly, complexity, and ambiguity—describes the current business environment. I have argued that we are living in a time of unprecedented VUCA. I have even done research to identify leadership characteristics necessary to thrive in VUCA.

Here is a distinction that I believe will be helpful. Leaders have always had to cope with UCA—uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity. It has always been challenging to lead a department, division, business unit, or organization. Leaders have always operated with UCA—uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity.
What makes VUCA such a useful term today is that we are still experiencing unprecedented volatility in our marketplace and in the world. While it feels like we have regained some sense of stability since 2008 and 2009, there is a fragility to our recovery.

What makes living in a VUCA environment different than a UCA environment is one word—fear. When conditions are volatile, we tend to turn in, become conservative, and avoid risks. Negative emotions like fear restrict creativity, openness, and collaboration.

My research in to the field of neuroscience in recent years underscores the biological underpinnings of our reactions. We are wired to stay safe. Our brains are constantly scanning our environments and we pick up on threats much, much faster than rewards. In fact, it does not take much to throw us off. An awareness of our positivity to negativity ratio is important. Do you tend to magnify negative threats or do you ignore them completely? How sensitive are you to stress and how well do you manage yourself? Do you have a disciplined practice to stay calm? Matthew Lieberman from UCLA has written that early research suggests that mindfulness and meditation practices lengthen our fuse. It slows down our normal reaction enough so that we can engage our executive function and react more calmly.

Leaders who thrive in VUCA are resilient and are able to remain calm, collected, and inspire confidence in others. They can untangle their emotional reactions from current reality and summon up courage. Leadership success depends not on what the leader is doing, but who the leader is being during volatile conditions.

Are you a leader who thrives in VUCA?

Know Your Brain, Accelerate Leadership Performance!

info@rubenconsulting.com (Marcia Ruben, PhD, PCC) — Mon, 17 Aug 2015 15:42:22 GMT

Last fall, I was privileged to be included in the first group of global executive leadership coaches certified in My Brain Solutions (MBS). The Academy of Brain Based Leadership sponsored the certification training. MBS is the only scientifically validated assessment that truly measures brain performance and has been used effectively by clinicians for several years. It was developed by an independent consortium of over 200 neuroscientists, led by Dr. Evian Gordon. It was redesigned in 2014 to improve the effectiveness of business leaders.

1-2-4 Brain Model

The assessment is based on the 1-2-4 brain model. Briefly, according to Dr. Gordon, our brains are primarily wired for safety. We have five times more circuits that pick up threats than rewards. We pick up nonconscious threat cues in 1/5 of one second and our brains are constantly scanning for threats and rewards. Our emotions are nonconscious and picked up in 1/5 of one second. Our feelings occur consciously when we notice and/or are aware of our heart rate, sweat in our palms, and an increase in the rate of our breathing.

The assessment itself is based on actual laboratory tests that measure brain function. As I took the assessment, I felt a bit like I was in a laboratory. You cannot fake your way through the assessment. It truly measures brain performance. And, because the results are based on your performance on these validated tests, the results are credible.

The four dimensions of MBS

The assessment measures four dimensions –thinking, emotions, feeling, and self-regulation-- and has 17 subscales. The Thinking dimension includes measures of attention, memory, processing speed, motor coordination, inhibition, flexibility, and executive function. In other words, you receive actual data on critical brain functions required for good executive performance.

The Emotion dimension tells you how well you identify the emotions of others and whether you are more inclined to negative or positive biases. As it turns out, 15% of people have a very strong negativity bias and magnify threats more than necessary. 15% of people have a very strong positivity bias and may overlook real threats. The rest are in between.

The Feeling dimension gives you insight into your current stress and anxiety levels. Participants are given survey questions from a psychological instrument. The assessment measures current levels.

Finally, the assessment measures your ability to self-regulate. You receive a measure of your ability to manage your positivity and negativity, your level of resilience and your ability to build connections and keep relationships.

What happens after you receive your results?

Once you receive your results, your executive coach works with you to find ways to develop coherence among all of the dimensions. For instance, one of my clients received low scores in his working memory and his stress level. As we talked, I learned that he got easily distracted by the flood of emails that demanded his immediate attention, preparation for meetings and constant interruptions. This in turn impacted his stress level. We were able to pinpoint what was causing his performance to be less than optimal.

Training exercises

The good news about the MBS assessment, which is different than many others that I have used, is that there are specific training exercises that you can do to improve your brain’s performance. According to Dr. Evian Gordon, we can train our non-conscious brain. Gordon claims you can make significant changes in three to four weeks by practicing at least one of the exercises, Spending ten minutes twice a week will net you positive changes. The best news is that you can download many of the exercises on your Smartphone.

Visualize future state to rewire your brain

Gordon claims that by visualizing in detail your desired future state you can make real progress. For instance, I worked with a client to simulate what it would feel like to be calm when faced with stress. By actually experiencing that new behavior, you receive a dopamine hit. Further, Dr. Gordon claims that it is enough to change one brain habit with small dopamine wins. Changing one behavior impacts all others.

In my work with the client mentioned above, I had him first remove as many distractions as possible, e.g., turn off automatic email notifications, and visualize being calm. I had him practice the My Calm Beat three times a week and a couple of other exercises. After four weeks, he reported that he was less stressed and better able to concentrate. His coworkers reported that he was more present and made better decisions.

The results?

I have used this tool with handful of leaders so far. The results? Clients report that the assessment is spot on. As a coach with advanced degrees in human and organizational systems, a background in stress management and certifications in brain based coaching, I am pleased to say that MBS provides a way to address tough issues by focusing on the biology of the individual and starting with changes there that are likely to work. For more information, be sure to check out MyBrainSolutions. For even more information, click here.