My grandmother died yesterday. It wasnt sudden, nor was it a surprise.

Doesnt mean it was less sad.

I had been traveling, most recently speaking at TribeCon in New Orleans, when my mom called to say it wasnt looking good.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means she is probably going to die.”

I felt a bit guilty having fun in New Orleans, which was a LOT of fun (I got yelled at for checking into so many places on FourSquare), but I knew there was nothing I could do.

“She is unconscious,” my mom told me.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means she has a 30% chance of never waking up.”

When two feet or so of snow fell in Boulder, my friend Eric decided to head back to help his wife move their house. I thought it would be good for me to be back in Boulder for my animals, and would make me closer to San Jose in case anything happened.

“Things have take a turn for the worse,” my mom told me before I boarded the flight.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means that we are beginning to prepare for the funeral.”

Eric and I landed in Cincinnati after the first leg of our trip. In the terminal was a Chic-Fil-A, which was awesome. Eric and I talked about comic books and movies, and my phone rang.

“Things are looking better,” my mom said, hopefully.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means that we are starting to look for skilled nursing facilities.”

My phone was nearly depleted, so I turned it off completely for the last leg of the trip. With no iPhone to play with, I thought a lot about my life and my grandparents. When I was first out of school, and people asked about my story, I would often offer my grandparents story instead.

My grandfather was born in Romania to a doctor’s family. When World War II hit, his family was driven from their homes, their possessions taken, and they were pushed out of the country. My grandfather ended up in a forced labor camp, where, with another person, they were able to escape. During their trip to Palestine, they were captured by the British, and were detained on Cyprus. My grandfather, having the best English among all his peers, became the translator.

And, while ships sat out in the international waters, my grandfather would help steal butter (to cover the skin of the detainees) and help detainees swim out to the ships, which eventually took them to Palestine.

My grandmother was born in Shanghai, China, where there was a thriving Jewish population (mostly Russian, mostly exiles of the 1917 Bolshevik Revolution). Her father ran the local newspaper and was head of many Jewish groups. When the Japanese invaded China during World War II, they travelled to Palestine.

In Palestine, my grandmother and grandfather settled on Kibbutz Dafna, where they met and married, and became pregnant with my mom, aptly named Dafna.

(On a side note, when my mom was 18, she spent some time at Kibbutz Dafna, where she met my biological father. Not sure what that means. Perhaps I should visit there as well?)

My grandmother became a simultaneous translator, learning 9 languages, and over the course of her life wrote 7 or 8 books about all kinds of things. For the things she was known for, she was a speaker in demand. Even later in life, when she could barely walk, she would shuttle around speaking at various events. At one, she had people help carry her through the back of the building, so the children that she was speaking to wouldnt see her disability.

As we landed, and I turned on my phone, I got the normal buzzes of emails and tweets. As I watched the notifications fly by, I saw a missed call from my mom, then a second one, then one from my dad, and finally a text message from my dad.

I called my dad.

“Its pretty bad, Micah.” My dad started. “They have her on a respirator and a morphine drip.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means that unless something drastic happens, she wont make it through the night.”

I put my suitcase in my car, and climbed into the driver seat. I plugged my phone in and got my bluetooth headset working. I backed out of the spot, and headed towards the parking lot exit.

My sisters are pretty amazing people. My middle sister, Marissa, has studied to be an actress, has a beautiful voice, and recently ran a marathon. My youngest sister, Natalia, helps kids not only realize that they have potential, but gives them the tools to achieve it. I know without thinking, that my grandmother is proud of them. But me? Ive always been the black sheep, the troublemaker of the family. Ive done many wrong things right, and many right things wrong. I know that she never understood my choices in life, but I know that she was always excited to hear what I am doing.

I called Natalia. I know that it must be hard for her.

“She is really peaceful.” Natalia answered.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means that if you want to talk to her, now is your chance.”

As my sister lowered the phone to my grandmothers ear, I scrambled for something to say. I knew that I needed to say the right thing. Perhaps the one thing that would make all this right. The seconds felt like minutes as I couldnt figure out what the magic words would be. Finally, I just opened my mouth, trusting the words that would come.

“Babu, I think for the first time ever, you and I are both at a loss for words.”

And I cried.

Over the past few weeks, I have been heads down focusing on getting my new project funded, getting the tech team moving in the right direction, and getting customers. All with an eye towards launch. Its a fun, frustrating and exciting time. Its what makes startups fun.

But in the midst of all this hubbub, a simple pattern is emerging.

When you look at the lifecycle of a startup, there are really three major parts: The Build Up, The Execution and The Exit. Of course, you can read plenty of articles and books that provide a deeper and more complex view, but I am just not that complex.

The Build Up

The beginning, the start. This is often the most exciting part of a startup. New ideas are flowing daily; new challenges are uncovered. Everyone is excited for the future, and what will be. No one is predicting change or failure, just how awesome the company will be. Its easy to become engaged with the energy, since you are pitching investors, building product, sketching out financial models.

The Execution

A friend of mine once laid out where a company should be based on the rounds raised: Series A – you should have an idea, and the focus should be on building the product. Get it out into the world in a limited fashion, birth that baby. Series B – you should be out in the marketplace, and the marketplace should be screaming what needs to be changed, what they love, whats wrong about the product. Series C – you should be making revenue, and need money to accelerate growth. All future financing rounds sort of fit in this model. They should help an already successful company grow.

There comes a point (usually after the product has been brought to market, and just before revenue is generated in large amounts, where the focus of the company shifts from The Build Up into an Execution Phase. This is where a company goes from a nice valuation of $20-$30mm to (hopefully) something really big. Its where the pudding is proved. Its where the hypothesis of what factors will drive the company have been uncovered, and all that is necessary is execution. Execute and an outcome will become clear.

The Exit

This is either the dream or nightmare of the entrepreneur. Either the company gets big enough to be acquired or IPO and returns a positive return to all investors and the entrepreneur. Or it dies. But something happens.

And, for many companies, this is approximately a 5 year cycle, and requires 3-4 rounds of financing.

Simple right?

But, what became clear to me over the past week is that there is a Law of Mini-Cycles:

Each specific goal in the lifecycle of a business encompasses all three phases.

Think about it. Each time a goal is set “Launch on December 1″ there is a buildup, execution and exit.

Lets lay it out.

Goal: Launch December 1

Build up: What does the product look like? What are the features? What is the team that is needed? Who are the customers that are needed?

Execution: Outline the product timeline with features and tasks. Review team needs and hire as necessary. Acquire customers and beta testers.

Exit: Launch. Or dont.

And etc…

What does that mean to your business? Perhaps nothing, but for me, it allows me to understand the phase I am in, and when its time for me to bail out of the way. I am not great in the execution phase, so I allow those that are to shine. I am great in the build up, so I spend most of my time laying the ground work for the project. I understand where my strengths lie, and dont allow my weaknesses to get in the way of success.

Frankly, this minicycle works with most decisions. I think about an interesting blog post (Build Up); I write it (Execution); Its gets a good response, or it doesnt (Exit).

Thinking about my project holistically as a series of smaller activities that have their own lifecycle allows me to eat an elephant and help us be successful.

Now back to bit of Execution…

I bleed a lot. Not in a horrible, unhealthy physically or mentally way, but it just seems that I often find new cuts on my arms, feet, legs.

Now, I do live with animals, and so I can, for example, attribute the blood on my chest from a misguided attempt by Billie (my dog) to remove my nipple, or as the kids say “play with me.”

A second ago, I got up from my desk, and I noticed that the bottom of my foot was cut. Not sure how I cut it, but its cut nonetheless.

Why does this matter?

I’ll get to that.

One of my favorite songs is Please Bleed, by Ben Harper. The equates the ability to bleed as an indication of “realness” and “truth.” Its a great song, with an impassioned vocal. Worth the listen.

How does this fit into my inability to keep myself from injuring myself?

Almost there.

I started thinking about this while watching Dexter. Its a show about the importance of details, and how characters–that are so good at seeing the small details–keep missing the ones that matter. That, for lack of a better word, aint me. I just miss all the details…. :)

Today was my first as an ex-lijit employee. Today, my focus is fully on my new project, and after a weekend talking to a few folks at BlogWorld Expo, I have every reason to be excited.

Building a startup is a rough road. As you pound toward the end goal that is in a constant stage of change, you tend to get a bit banged on on the way. There are the nicks and cuts and scratches that bad business deals, bad employees, mistakes and errors leave both physically and mentally.

Pretty sure thats why most successful entrepreneurs are, well, not pretty. Most have been battle-tested, and while their failures may be crippling, they have not been been crippled by their losses.

Im not sure when it became “cool” to be an entrepreneur, or when the word finally lost all its inherent meaning, but its something that truly disappoints me. Being an entrepreneur is not sexy. Its not hard. Its draining. Its discouraging. It forces you to take ownership over decisions that scare you. It requires blood. It requires an understanding that can only be gained through experience.

I love being a startup guy. I knew when I left higher education fund raising, and began helping a friend build his startup, that I had found my calling. And every since then, I have not even thought about a “real job.”

So, today, I begin running hard on a journey that began a few months ago. My eyeballs feel like they are going to explode and my brow has slid into a permanent furrow.

And, yes, when I got up to get a glass of water, I noticed that I cut my big toe. Again.

Ah, the startup life. I love you so.

I have a lot of people I like having as friends. Many of them write or curate blogs. Often they comment on, point to, reblog, etc things that they find inspiring. Usually, the link, video or picture is accompanied with a short post or comment that is along the lines of “Man! So glad I just read that! It totally inspires me to do something cool!”

Fuck inspiration.

Now, before I jump into it, my friends are not wrong or stupid, and I am certainly not calling them dumb (after all some of them still buy me meals now and again, and who am I to kill that gravy train?). But, I am questioning the need to be inspired.

Let me say it again. Fuck inspiration.

So many of us take so much time searching for that “something” that will help us achieve our goals in a judicious manner. We believe that if we hear or read those “just right” words, or see that “just right” photo, we will suddenly accelerate towards success. We will magically become unstoppable in our pursuits. As an “inspired” individual, there is just no stopping!

Did you hear what I said before? No. Let me say it again. Fuck inspiration.

We have a tendency to look everywhere for inspiration, we forget to look at ourselves. There is no one in this world who should inspire you more than yourself.

Not in some kumbuyah bullshit way, but in a very real, very specific, very sustainable way.

Recently, I spoke to my sister’s high school classes. Both of the classes were full of kids that had difficult backgrounds, and as sophomores had decided to be the first in their families to get out of their current situations and attend college.

“What do you want me to speak about?” I asked Natalia. “I could always suggest they drop out of school and get pregnant.”

“Im thinking that has been covered.” She sighed. “How about failure? You talk about that a lot. I just want you to be inspirational.”

“Seriously? These kids are going to school, setting a goal of attending college, all while (for some) dodging their gang member friends, (for others) working to help their parents support their families, dealing with the standard high school stressors of hormones, relationships, friendships, sports, education, and growing up. Talk to them about inspiration? Pluuuueze.”

“How about you just tell them about how big an idiot you are?”

“Works for me.”

I spent a couple of hours talking to the kids, we talked about a lot of things, among them the concept of expectations.

“There are two types of expectations that are set. The intrinsic ones you set for yourselves, and the extrinsic ones everyone sets. Want to be successful? Set your internal expectations appropriately high–which you have done by deciding to go to college–and stop worrying about everyone else’s expectations. Be inspired by your own successes. Be helpful to others so they can achieve their goals.

“Thats it.”

Spending time with my sisters students reminded me that so much of school is spent being presented with inspiration. You read about people that have achieved amazing things, and slowly, almost without realizing it, we learn that to be successful, we have to search for external inspiration; for people and actions to emulate. We need people to stand in front of class and talk about how they became successful. We need to relate to those people and their stories, and be inspired.

We stop looking in the mirror and inspiring ourselves.

Fuck inspiration. Its not a requirement for greatness.

Just be amazing. I see it every day in people that are too busy looking for inspiration to see it in themselves.

Words have power. We say them and expect their meanings to resonate. Mostly, the words we choose probably connote the meanings we are trying to convey. But, sometimes, words have so many varied meanings, that unless we apply context, their power is lost.

Killer. Used as a noun, it means either a person or thing that kills. Or something or someone having a formidable impact, devastating effect, etc. As a adjective, it can mean anything from difficult to superior. (Dictionary.com)

Yet, other words tend to hold their meaning regardless of context. Those words, often hateful and mean-spirited, immediately cause the message receiver to emote, almost with out thinking.

Idiot. an utterly foolish or senseless person. In psychology, a person of the lowest order in a former classification of mental retardation, having a mental age of less than three years old and an intelligence quotient under 25. (Dictionary.com)

The meanings behind certain words is so immutable, that we tend to fail to every challenge the concepts.

Failure = bad. Selling out = bad. Selfishness = bad.

But, are they always? When Failure is looked at as a process, as a step on the road to success, then it loses its negative power. Selling out, when it allows you to do something bigger and more interesting, is never wrong.

But Selfishness…well, selfishness is always wrong, right?

The other night I was having dinner with a old friend who was discussing an issue that came up at work. “One of our major clients had a blow up, and now my boss is no longer on the account. I think I am going to be fired.”

I suggested that he contact the new account director, outline some ways that he could add value to the relationship, and not worry about his boss. That he should look at it as an opportunity.

“I didnt think of it like that.”

Being selfish, which is what I suggested my friend be, is not always bad. In fact, there are many situations where selfishness is a requirement for success.

We live in a weird time where there is constant discussion of “win-win” situations, where the expected outcome is equality for both parties. “Win-win” is now defined as an outcome where each party receives a positive outcome…equally.

This does not always result in the “best” outcome, only the “most equal” outcome.

Evaluate the situation. Remove the ingrained emotion tied to the desire to obtain equality. Answer the question: “Does putting yourself first create a better overall end game for all participants?”

If answer = yes;

Then selfish = 1

Words have power. We apply meaning and feelings to so many, and yet, often we forget that the true purpose of words is to remove the ambiguity of meaning. We get mired in what is expected of us, rather than what is right. We are more worried about how our actions are viewed, than whether the outcomes are right. We fear how others view us so we stand silent or chose conflicting courses of action.

Doing the right thing is never wrong, regardless of the words surrounding it; just as much as doing the wrong thing is always wrong, regardless of the eloquence describing it.

Focus on the killer outcome. Even if it means being selfish.

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I like to be inspired.

I consume words like my life depends on it. I watch people relate their stories. I listen to others successes…and failures.

I read. A lot. Blogs. Books. Opinion Pieces. Not the news. Nothing to be inspired by the evil reported in the news.

I have found that inspiration comes from many places. Often the inspiring words are not meant to provide inspiration, but are tossed out with disregard.

A few months ago, Jeffrey and I were having a conversation about phobias. I was relating that my greatest fear is disappointment. I fear constantly that I will disappoint family, friends, coworkers, myself. I am driven by that simple fact.

“Dont be a disappointment.”

Jeffrey is deathly afraid of heights. He joked about how he almost didnt get a Land Rover because of how high it was off the ground.

“You know fear of heights isnt about falling.” He said. “Its about landing. hard.”

I chuckled, but that line stuck in my head.

Earlier, I was watching Behind the Music about Pink (followed about one about Lil’ Wayne). The show, of course, followed its standard arc of big win followed by big failure followed by coming back strong.

I used to think that arc was stupid. Until my life followed that exact arc.

In the show on Pink, she talked about how she was less successful because she had forgotten how to fail. She had become afraid to fail.

Lil’ Wayne talked about dealing with failure by continuing to move forward. That the worst thing was to fail and then spend time dwelling on that failure. His fear centered on not achieving his potential.

(When I was in kindegarden, my “report card” had two comments on it from the teacher. 1) Micah hasnt lived up to his potential; 2) I wish he would shut up.)

If you look at each of those fears: disappointment, heights, failure and potential, their basis is the same.

The fear is that the final state is permanent. That there is no coming back from disappointment, failure, or falling. That if you never achieve your potential, you never will.

Fears keep us from doing (never from not doing). Fears force us to compromise. Fears keep us from being.

And as I, officially, quit my job to join a startup with no money but a great team and product, my natural fears (disappointment mostly) have stared me squarely in the face. Most would say its only natural.

I, on the other hand, am saying whats normal is recognizing the fear and moving on. I, on the other hand, trust in myself and the team I am joining to succeed.

I am focusing on the bounce.

Now that we have that out of the way… :)

Over the next couple of years or so as I help build this company up (I promise to reveal the company soon. There are a couple of things that need to be worked out first, not trying to be coy) I am going to write proactively and transparently about many of the decisions we will be making. I might even start using video.

Hopefully, you will be able to share in my mistakes, our successes, and be able to second guess everything.

While my fear is being disappointing; my passion is success.

I cant wait to let everyone share in my passion…

“I just installed Lijit.”

When people ask me how I came to be working at Lijit, thats the answer I give them. “I just installed the widget.”

From that first outreach from Tara until today, when I publicly announced my resignation from Lijit, that simple answer completely encapsulates what makes Lijit such an amazing place.

We (It will always be a “we”) built a company centered on the concept that transparency, real interactions with our publishers, and building a great product would lead to success. And so far, we have been right.

The numbers are staggering. 1100% increase in publishers since I have been here, a 3000% increase in pageviews and a doubling in our headcount. As we begin to build out the next pieces of functionality, I truly believe that bloggers who have yet to understand the value of Lijit search brings in both feature set and monetization, will finally figure it out and jump on board.

Do I sound proud? I certainly couldnt be prouder of the Lijit team.

So, why did I decide to move on?

Opportunity. Risk. A healthy amount of alcohol. (Ok, really its the first two. I dont drink and after my 5,345 non-alcoholic beer, I realized the futility of that effort.)

I am a startup guy. I love the beginnings of startups. I love watching entrepreneurs jump of the Startup Cliff with the belief that they will figure it out before they, well, splat.

Current Wisdom, my last (and most successful startup) was started in 2003 as a side project. It was sold in 2007. Its time for me to jump again.

So after mentoring a couple of Techstars teams, one began to ask if I would consider to join them as their CEO. “Two kick-ass developers with a kick-ass product?” I thought to myself.

Jump.

It was more of a running leap.

This time is different that Current Wisdom. Before I leapt with Current Wisdom, we were making about $50k a month in revenue. This time, I am actually financing the parachute on the way down. (Anyone out there want to get involved with the project, lemme know. That ground comes up fast!)

But, I am excited. The founders are amazing. The product is seriously bad-ass. And the opportunity? Well, it may not get a Twitter or Facebook valuation in the seed round, but it might get that $1 billion valuation. One day. (No really. It might. And, its not the non-alcoholic beer talking. I think.)

Most importantly, I have the support of my mentors, and Todd Vernon, Lijit’s CEO. “I cant wait to see you as CEO,” Todd said. (Im 99% sure there was no sarcasm in his voice. I think.) The fact that I will continue to be part of the Lijit family also makes the choice easier.

Having that air screaming by my face as we head into uncertainty is the greatest feeling any entrepreneur feels. (Well, except the feeling of putting a really big check in the bank when its all over.)

Am I worried? Nope.

Great team, amazing product and fantastic concept? What else could any startup want? (Money? Right. forgot about that.)

In about 30 days, I will be able to provide more information about the project once we close our round (which, while I joke, is pretty close to being done) and get the product to market…

…and then, its up, up and away!

BTW: Here is the post I wrote when I joined Lijit: Micah Goes Lijit!

Ive been reading the book The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, which I picked up after Brad wrote a post suggesting reading Ian’s blog post about the book.

I havent gotten very far, but so far it makes a lot of sense. Yesterday, I stopped by Boulder Running Company to pick up a Garmin 010-00658-30 Forerunner 405CX GPS Sport Watch with Heart Rate Monitor (Blue). By now, I hope you have noticed that I am using Amazon affiliate links. I am doing this mostly because I think its funny. Why do I think its funny? I dunno, but it makes me giggle.

Being a lover of contrary behavior, I stopped at McDonalds on the way home. After all, I had just bought a super-duper heart rate monitor with the intent of working out more often. To add to the silliness, I broke out the End to Overeating book on my iPhone Kindle app (apparently you cant buy an iPhone through Amazon, so no link for you!).

I mean seriously, can you imagine? I just spent $350 on a heart rate monitor, was eating at McDonalds while reading a book about weight loss? Im high-lar-e-ous.

Anyway, a couple of pages in there is a short discussion about how food logs dont work, especially for overeaters, because they lie. That requiring dieters to photograph their food with a time and date stamp seemed to work better.

I thought to myself, as I ate my second apple pie, “thats interesting.”

Today, I struck out trying to find an easy way to make it happen. First, I decided I wanted to use Posterous. Why? Well, because I havent figured out a great way to use it yet, and I am a big fan of Garry and Sachin’s.

All day I tried different things. I played with PicPosterous, the iPhone app, but it didnt do exactly what I wanted. (It needs the ability for me to write a short description of the photo).

I tried flickr and tumblr, but they werent exactly what I wanted.

Then I found this out about Posterous. If you send an email to the service name, it will only autopost to that service. For example, if I send a photo to flickr+twitter [at] posterous [dot] com it will only be posted to flickr and twitter (and posterous).

Which lead to to this solution.

I will email photos of what I am eating to twitter [at] posterous [dot] com. Since my twitter goes to my facebook, thats covered. It keeps food photos out of my flickr and tumblr, which is perfect. I will send one email per day, even though it will be multiple photos. You can comment on my food selection on my posterous blog.

Then I will use those photos at the end of the day to update my food diary in DailyBurn.

Finally, I will take a picture of my weekly weigh-in as well.

What do you think? Good idea?

Ever since I was a kid, I called my grandmother Babu. Its a bastardization of the Russian word for grandmother, but my mom called her grandmother Babu, so it was something we just did.

In a country where assimilation is a virtue, things like calling my grandmother Babu, were difficult and embarrassing. Not having a “Grandmother Sue” or whatever the other nice mainstream (which in my brain has always been white Christians) boys and girls had always made me feel like I was somehow not part of the true “inner circle.”

But, thats not what this post is about.

My grandmother is now around 85. (Im not sure she was ever very truthful about her age). She was born in Shanghai, China, where her father was a leader in the local Jewish segment of the city, and published a newspaper. Her mother ran a store, and over the course of my grandmother’s life, she learned 9 languages, worked as a simultaneous translator (the voice you hear when some foreign dignitary speaks), was an accidental spy, wrote several books (both children and adult), and travelled extensively.

I know all this, because Babu never shuts up.

Story telling is well integrated in the Jewish history and way of life. Storytellers, like Isaac Bashevis Singer, are celebrated.

Whenever the Jews were threatened with disaster, the Baal Shem Tov would go to a certain place in the forest, light a fire, and say a special prayer. Always a miracle would occur, and the disaster would be averted.

In the later times when disaster threatened, the Maggid of Mezritch, his disciple, would go to the same place in the forest and say, “Master of the Universe, I do not know how to light the fire, but I can say the prayer.” And again the disaster would be averted.

Still later, his disciple, Moshe Leib of Sasov, would go to the same place in the forest and say, “Lord of the World, I do not know how to light the fire or say the prayer, but I know the place and that must suffice.” And it always did.

When Israel of Rizhyn needed intervention from heaven, he would say to G-d, “I no longer know the place, nor how to light the fire, nor to say the prayer, but I can tell the story and that must suffice.” . . . And it did.

From the Jewish Storytelling Coalition

Within our family, Babu is probably our most celebrated storyteller.

Well, maybe our most frequent storyteller. Because, with an amazing ability to relate any conversation to one of her favorite stories, we have all heard her stories. Often.

“Babu, I just blinked.”

“Blinked, Micahansidhski (or something like that. She never has said my name without attaching a million consonants and vowels to the end of it)? Have I ever told you of the time in Korea…”

It became a game to see how far you could take the conversation away from anything remotely connected to any story Babu ever told, and watch her bring to back.

“Babu, did you know that one plus one is two?”

“That is very nice, Micahsdlskfjsdfhawdhsdakski, did I ever tell you about the time where I had to add for the Emperor of China?”

And for the rest of my family, it became even more exciting to watch me destroy her cadence, and attempt to get her to flustered.

“Babu, the Emperor of China, do you say? Have you ever seen the movie The Last Emperor of China was it that one? I think I met that guy once, and did  I tell you I was interviewed on CNN?” (She hates not being the most famous person in a room).

My sisters, mom, aunt, uncle and cousins, often joke about my grandmother and her stories. “Do you think Deda (what we call my grandfather) ever speaks?” With my grandmother using all the words in the room, it was a pleasure to see my grandfather, free of my grandmother tell his own stories of escaping Romania during the second World War, of getting captured on Cyprus on his way to Israel, of meeting my grandmother in a Kibbutz (Kibbutz Dafna, which my mother is not only named after, but also where she met my biological father).

Of course, when I was just too flustered, I would simply say “Babu, will you please shut up” and leave the room.

Yesterday morning, while waiting for some friends in the Saint Julian lobby, I called my grandparents. It has been awhile, as we get busy, it gets harder to keep in touch.

My grandfather answered the phone, and the exhaustion was clear in his voice. “How are you,” I asked. “I am ok, but Babu is not ok.” he replied.

My mom told me that my grandmother, now almost completely non-ambulatory, has become a bit confused. “A bit mixed up,” I think were the exact words.

After a short conversation with my grandfather, who usually pleaded with me to come visit, but strangely this time didnt, he handed the phone to my grandmother.

Normally, I say hello, then my grandmother speaks for about 20 minutes, I say goodbye, and everyone is happy.

This time, I could barely get out the first word before she launched into a story.

“Do you have that picture, Micahdslkdfhdslfkhfesljhdiski?”

“Which, Babu?”

“The one of me near a piano that happened right after I almost got raped.”

I paused for a second. I hadnt heard this story. I assumed it was an embellishment, after all, I could almost guarantee that embellishment was my grandmothers middle name.

“I dont know that picture.”

And for the next twenty minutes my grandmother told me stories, yet these stories were not linear, they had no beginning or end. They were like a Suicide Slurpee, most of the time you could recognize parts of stories once heard, but more often the intermixed and overlaying of story lines and elements caused complete confusion.

As the conversation came to an end, confused about what was real and what was fake, I promised to email all the photos I had that included my babu and me.

“When are you coming to visit next?” She quietly asked.

“The end of the month, Babu.”

“Will you come to the house and listen to my stories?”

“I will make a point of it.”

“Can you come for a couple of days? I have a lot of stories to tell.”

“Dont push your luck, Babu.”

My grandmother is old. She is closer to the end of her life than the beginning. Our family knows this, and I think, especially my mom, is coming to terms with it.

I think about what my lasting memory of my grandmother will be a bit more often now. I run through the hundreds of stories, and millions of interactions we have had over my life, and I always seem to settle on one.

When I was small, maybe 5-6 years old, my grandmother would tell me stories while I took a bath. Stories about a small speck of dirt taken away in a soap bubble. A small speck of dirt, that turned into a hero battling villains both big and small. I remember watching her spin her tale, and wondering if I would ever be as adept as her at creating stories that were both interesting and engaging. I remember her excitement as the story unfolded, and the happiness I felt knowing it would never end.

And I smile.

Im fat.

I took a look at the first post I ever wrote the other day. Entitled Battle of the Belly – Day 1, it proclaimed my desire to lose weight. Then I looked at my second post, Where Have You Been? Or The Continuation of Fatness where I continue to discuss weight loss.

When was it posted? 42 days after the first one. Ouch.

Then over the next 3-4 months, I continued to post about losing weight. Mostly when things were good. Then silence on the fatty side. What happened?

I quit losing weight. I stopped fighting. I failed.

And, instead of standing up and talking about it, I shut the hell up.

For a person that talks a lot about failure, its surprises me a bit that I failed to share in my failure.

Why does all this matter? Well, lemme tell ya!

Im back at the weight loss stuff. I learned over the course of the past year or so that being bipolar made weight loss difficult and weight gain easy. Apparently, most people who are bipolar tend to be addicted to food, drugs or sex. I choose unwisely and ended up being addicted to food and drugs. (If I had only known the choices!)

While its not easy to break an addiction to drugs, its really a binary decision. You either do drugs, or you dont.

I cant stop eating. Well, cant stop for long.

Recently, I found that I am insulin resistant. Due to that, I have started taking a drug called Metformin which is supposed to help my body become less insulin resistant. (BTW, a horrible side effect is it jacks up my stomach. Sometimes really, really badly. Add that to the standard Jewish disposition of having horrible stomach/GI/etc issues, its really, really not fun.)

Over the course of the past few weeks, I am losing weight naturally. Which means, if I want to get serious about losing weight, now is the time.

What’s my plan?

First and foremost, I am using Daily Burn. Daily Burn was a Techstars company last year, and has been doing phenomenally with some great investors. Along with an iPhone app, they allow you to track all your caloric intake (nutrition), workouts and the effect the nutritional choices and workouts have on your body (my belly). What I like about Daily Burn is the addition of social features, which are paramount to success (no one is in this alone, even if you are alone.)

The only benefit of Daily Burn is the ability for me to post most everything I am doing publicly. Here is my Daily Burn Locker Room. Its public. Enjoy. Occasionally it will tweet out achievements and other fitness related information.

I will use Nike+ for when I walk my dogs, or spend time on the treadmill. Again, I will post it on my blog (in a handy dandy widget).  I am going to take pictures of myself now and again, and post them to a flickr set on my account.  And, finally, I will record videos here and there, and post them to LearnToDuckTV.

Finally, I will ask everyone who knows me to keep me on track. If you think I am slippin’ just ask, or kick in my…butt–doubt you could miss it.

And, of course, periodically, I will write a post about where I am at.

As my mom used to say to me when I pretended I wasnt listening to her, “This time I am not fucking around.”

I want to lose about 100 lbs. Ive given myself about a year to do it.

And…here we go.

Last year some time, perhaps around SXSW, I was introduced to a woman I had started to hear a lot about.

She was described as someone who had started a documentary, sort of on a whim, and had collected a number of really interesting interviews. Most of the equipment she had was donated, and much of the work she had done was amateur. But, the subject matter, “How technology has changed how we live our lives” was riveting and the perspective interesting.

As I got to know Melissa Pierce, I found out that we had many intersections of people, thoughts and ideas, and over the past year, we have become friends.

A couple of days ago, I saw the rough cut of her file, Life in Perpetual Beta, and while it leaned on the side of rough, its compelling, and will be worth the time (and hopefully money) to sit and watch and think.

Today, I was pointed to this video:

Which she talks about why she started the film. Watch it. Its pretty interesting (of course, my favorite part is about 5:30 in, when the camera almost gets dropped). Its pretty interesting in that there was a moment when Melissa realized that doing this film was important to her, and that regardless of the path, she was ready to start down it. A moment.

At Gnomedex this year, I had the immense pleasure to meet Jay Grandin and Leah Nelson of Giant Ant Media. When their presentation began, they talked about how they put together a video, which went viral on YouTube.

They began to explain how this video got them a gig with MySpace, and I quickly shoved my face back into my laptop. “Yay!” I thought to myself, “another viral video. Perhaps I will do a video about testicles (By the way – I didnt start that twitter account. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. Thank God, they are all dead). Bet I could get 9 million views.”

But as their presentation progressed, they talked about how entering the social media realm. Strike that. This wasnt really social media, even though it was attached to MySpace, it was really the “social connection” realm, because Jay and Leah, then started a project where they went to Europe and asked their MySpace friends if they could crash on their couches. Which they did. And they filmed it.

Now before you jump into the standard American “WTF!?!? Strangers? IN EUROPE?!” Jay and Leah are Canadians living in Vancouver. So, the potential of them getting bitten and turning into werewolves, ala An American Werewolf in London, were pretty slim. (It wasnt called A Canadian Werewolf in London for a reason. They are just too nice to be werewolves.)

But, somewhere on their journey from standard menial jobs to viral videos to MySpace to roaming around Europe they, like Melissa, made a left at Albuquerque.

(Ok, time for a quick aside. My reference of a “left at Albuquerque” is a reference to a famous line uttered by Bugs Bunny whenever he travelled in a cartoon. For some reason, he continually got lost, and would pop out of the burrow he was making and exclaim, “I shoulda made a left at Alburquerque!”)

Jay and Leah began to get involved with a project that was inspired by another member of their team, Danya Fast, had just returned from Dar es Salaam in Tanzania, and spoke about some kids who lived on the street hustling and performing. They decided to get involved:

Over the course of six weeks in Dar, we facilitated a youth-led project to record a 6-track Bongo-Flava hip hop album. We compensated a group of 20 youth with a cash salary on work days, by setting up housing for one year, and with lots and lots of cigarettes.

At the conclusion of that year, they had the album (buy it here), a charity (check it here), and an amazing film (learn more here):

Amazing stuff, huh?

I often talk about how there are two types of entrepreneurs in the world, those that pack and plan their parachutes before jumping or those that jump trusting that they will figure it out on the way down.

Reid Hoffman, founder of LinkedIn, says it a bit better than me (found on Fred Wilson’s tumblr):

“The whole entrepreneurial thing is that you kind of jump off a cliff and assemble your airplane on the way down. And financing, by the way, is a thermal draft, right? You’re a little further away, but the ground’s still coming at you if you can’t establish an airplane.”

- Reid Hoffman, as quoted by Jeff Bussgang in his new book, The VC Playbook

(While I would love to say that great minds think alike, Reid did found LinkedIn. C’mon, Reid, LinkedIn?!?! Sheeesh, I have work to do…)

Melissa, Jay and Leah all took the leap. They are trusting that they will figure it out on the way down. And, given what I know of them, they will. (Now, both are looking for help funding their projects. If they move you, give. If they dont move you, find someone it does move, and get them to give. Seriously.)

But, what of this concept of a “Left Turn at Albuquerque”? What compels people to make a major shift in their lives and careers to follow passion projects? My career and life have been pretty linear, with each “next” building off the “previous.” I am not surprised I am where I am today (maybe a bit disappointed in certain things, but certainly not surprised) because of the linear nature of my life and choices.

And, left turns dont have to be into non-profit or “world saving” activities. It just has to be drastic and a major life shift. Remember starting a company is difficult and hard, it could have large monetary awards, but its not a fundamental life shift.

Starting a company is not impressive. Changing your life’s path is awe inspiring.

If given the opportunity to take a Left Turn, dont let it pass you by. Jump. The parachute will figure itself out.

There are themes in my life that I keep coming back to. Thoughts that I have had for years and years, but havent been able to either articulate or formulate. Yet.

Yesterday, I wrote about bidirectional value relationships. All day today, I kept seeing their application. For example, I have friends raising money for their startups. In the question of whether they should accept the term sheet or not, the answer is in the relationship. Is Value and therefore Power, shared? If no, then dont take the money. If yes, run to the bank.

Another theme that has been bouncing around in my brain since I cant remember when is the concept of the importance of moments. Yesterday I tweeted that everything starts and ends with a moment. And, today, my friend Sarah Townsend on the Social Vibe blog, posted this video:

Moments.

I can remember exact moments in my life. All kinds. From love and heartache to business decisions to mistakes. I remember the moment I fell in love with playing lacrosse (and later coaching lacrosse).

Unimportant moments. Important moments.

I just know that its the moments in life that matter more than the big sweeping stories.

Yet, if moments are the most important components of our lives, why do we spend so much time forgetting about them and not discussing them?

Moments. I know thats what makes my life amazing (and amazingly difficult at times).

Do moments matter? Am I crazy for caring about the moments?

Over a year ago, I wrote a post titled Business Development in a Web 2.0 World. I wrote about the importance of relationships in today’s business dealings. I wrote:

To get, one must give, and trust that the gift is compelling enough to have the other give in return.

(I’ve always wanted to quote myself. Talk about an ego boost!)

Now, its a year later. The work we have done at Lijit has really begun to pay off. Since I started in the end of 2007, we have seen our pageviews grow 30x (11mm per month to 325mm per month) and our user base grow 11x (1,000 – 11,000). Clearly, our approach to business development has worked.

But, this past weekend at Gnomedex, I began to rethink my philosophy.

If you approach relationships as “give with the hope of getting something in return,” by definition, you are creating unidirectional value relationships.

A good illustration of this is the classic/stereotypical dating situation: Man takes woman out to a meal and a movie. He expects she will return a little loving. Who has the power in the relationship? Clearly, not the man.

Look at traditional sales relationships. Same story.

The majority of business dealings are created with the intent of forming a unidirectional value relationship. To be clear, while there is always some value passed back and forth, this is more an exploration of mutually equal value and sharing of power.

Which brings us to the concept of a bidirectional value relationship. Value is mutual. Power is shared.

In my personal life, I tend to be more like my original concept: “To get, one must give, and trust that the gift is compelling enough to have the other give in return.”

Which makes me more interested in women that have such needs that within the relationship, I can provide more than I get in return. This creates an imbalance in mutual value and power, often leaving me in a less than ideal situation. While I was assuming that I was keeping control, and therefore the balance of power in a relationship, the truth was that I was giving away both.

In business relationships, if you miscalculate and the value you provide is not compelling enough, or the other party is uninterested in providing equal value in return, the relationship ends up being unequal and creates the reality of a difficult ending.

Think of it this way. There are two parties, and between the two parties there is a bucket sitting on a level. Neither party can take the bucket, but each party can fill the bucket. If one party fills the bucket, but the other doesnt, the bucket tips. If one party takes too much out of the bucket, the bucket tips. There has to be equality.

Does this mean that relationships are not the focus of business development 2.0? Actually quite the opposite. Relationships are the centerpiece, but successful relationships are bidirectionally valuable.

How does Freemium work in all of this?

The general idea is that if a user likes a product, they will be willing to pay more to use it. Or, for some cases, free accounts can be used for lead generation. But, if the relationship with the user is unidirectional (you give away too much; the paid services are not compelling; you attract the wrong kind of user), then the model fails.

When building a strong, lasting relationship, its important to determine what equal value entails (For example: you put Lijit search on your blog and allow us to share in the revenue generated, and in return we will monetize an under-monetized section of your blog and give your readers a superior search service) and ensure it is understood by both parties.

Relationships should be evaluated on the ability of both parties to provide value. A true relationship, business or otherwise, is predicated on the fact that power, and therefore control, is shared by both parties. When that is out of sync, the relationship has no chance of becoming long-term. In fact, there is no relationship at all.

There is simply an agreement between two parties, that usually occurs after a series of negotiations focused obtaining the highest potential value for each individual party.

Building bidirectional value relationships takes time and trust. It takes a willingness to be vulnerable and a clarity of requirements. Such relationships take learning whats important to each party, and being brutal if those requirements are not met.

I just walked out of a comic book store for the first time in probably 20 years. It took me 30 minutes to find the place, and once I got there, I felt so out of place.

How could this be? I used to ride my bicycle to the comic book store to add to a comic collection that numbered in the 6,000s. I knew what was coming out when. I knew the people that worked there. I felt like it was a place I belonged.

This comic store was pretty empty. Most of the people in it were older (at least mid-twenties) the only kid there was with his dad. There were more collectibles than I remember, and it was silent. Dead silent. On a Saturday.

Now, one of the companies I helped advise this summer was TakeComics, which is building an “iTunes for comics.” I wanted to know if such a thing mattered.

Disruption is a concept that many professional investors love. Things that shake up an industry can often lead to immense returns — if they are timed correctly. Napster was a disruptor in the music industry, but Apple was the first to really make big money selling digital music.

This summer at Techstars –at least in Boulder–disruption seemed to be a theme.

Theming is an interesting art to managing concepts and more importantly thought processes. At Lijit, we apply a theme to each quarter, and each department adjusts their goals and efforts to match that theme. Foundry Group, a Lijit investor, famously invests in companies that fit within their thematic approach to investment. I can only imagine that pitches to Foundry now begin with: “As a company that clearly fits in your Glue theme…” Notice the focus it brings pitches. Dual win for Foundry.

I have begun to look for the themes within a business to determine its potential, and the potential of the management team. Can the business be boiled down to a single metric (revenue per pageview, for example)? Does the management team think thematically about the problems they are trying to solve for? What is the theme of the company?

Which leads us to Techstars theme. If you look at the ten companies in Boulder, they broken down into two themes: Market Efficiency and Industry Disruptors.

Market Efficiency

Everlater, Rezora, Mailana, SendGrid, Spry and TimZon all were applying efficiency to inefficient markets. Everlator (travel memories); Rezora (email marketing for the real estate industry); Mailana (connection discovery); SendGrid (improved transactional email delivery); Spry (product management); and TimZon (online customer service).

In each case, they have built interesting applications. Will they get funding? Probably. They may find the path a bit more difficult, given that while each solution is unique, because it is an improvement on current offerings, they are not completely defensible against competition. For example, if TimZon proves to be right (that customer service is better over video or audio), what stops players like Get Satisfaction, or other large CRM tools from adding video/audio to their offering?

Disruptors

I love this definition of disruption from wikipedia:

Disruption as a method of execution pulling at all four limbs simultaneously with animals or machines so that the body of the execution victim is pulled apart.

When a company truly disrupts an industry it literally tears it apart. Look at the RIAA’s reaction to Napster and its ilk. Think about how blogging and other online news sources have effected the newspaper industry.

A true disruptor tears apart an industry with verve and violence in a way that, regardless of the success of the company, changes the industry forever.

This summer, TakeComics, Next Big Sound, Retel and Vanilla are looking to truly disrupt their respective industries.

Next Big Sound are looking to provide band management and artists with two things that are currently unavailable or difficult to gather: performance data and interaction data. Artists, more and more, are becoming businesses, and are learning what business has known for a long time: Data rules.

Companies like Soundscan and others provide artists with data thats predicated on the belief that the greatest effect on a band’s success is the marketing efforts of their labels. What artists like Chamillionaire and companies like iMeem, MySpace Music and TopSpin are showing is that the greatest effect on a band’s success is the ability of the artist to go direct to fan. Next Big Sound is providing access to the data that proves out this disruption in the industry.

After all, dont artists (and businesses) want to know what their fans care about, and where they are interacting with their music (or brands)?

Vanilla and Retel are similar in that they are providing both improved market efficiencies (Vanilla with online community tools and Retel with retail employee management and intelligence), and industry disruptors.

While forums and forum software is often forgotten behind the noise created by Facebook and other similar social networks, there is a large amount of focused community interaction and growth that continues to occur on forums. Companies tend to shy away from building community around themselves because 1) most companies pay community lip service; 2) they dont understand how building a strong community filled with fans can create a long-term customer base that grows organically through word of mouth; 3) they dont know how; 4) they are unaware of the ease of a product like Vanilla.

If companies would leverage their own web presence to build community rather than rely on social media tools, they will be better served in the long term, as most people are fickle about sites like Facebook and Twitter, but not about the brands they love.

Retel is similar to Next Big Sound in that they are providing unique and difficult to obtain data to retail store owners that will allow them to make decisions quickly. With Retel, eventually, retail store owners will be understand where the “hot spots” are within a store, perhaps being able to make determinations on how a store should be laid out to optimize things like cleanliness and worker efficiency.

In an industry where the majority of optimization and efficiency decisions are made by “feel” and “experience,” the level of data provided by Retel will have a transformative, disruptive effect.

There are three major indicators that the comics industry is ripe for disruption: its a $6billion industry (big); increase in non-core revenue–movies versus print (focus shift); lack of cost-efficient alternative to core business (no strong digital replacement for print). You could also argue that the comics industry, other than with manga and anime, have leveraged the internet at all.

TakeComics provides an iTunes-like interface for digital comics (including the digital conversion), as well as social tools for interaction around the titles and characters. In addition, TakeComics also uses the comic books as the “center of the pinwheel” providing access to associated merchandise and content to the title and/or character.

Which brings me back to my comic store experience. All I kept thinking about while I drove around Boulder trying to find the stupid comic store, that I wished there was a digital solution for buying comics. I am no longer a collector, I just want to experience the story and then talk about it with my friends. I also, wanted to know how these current stories intertwined with the stories from my youth. I got none of that from walking into that store.

Disruptive technologies and companies tend to fundamentally change how we view and interact with an industry. Will these companies be able to be agents of change?

They have certainly started from some interesting places…

Yesterday I was on a call with a potential business partner for Lijit. With me on the call was one of our product people.

We were going down a specific path with this partner, who on the call threw us a bit of a monkey wrench. It happens. Its the internet.

Our product guy sends out an email after the call that basically indicates that the project is now dead. At the same time, I draft an email to the business partner about ways that we can potentially still work together even with the major change to the business strategy.

So who was right? The product guy for answering the question “Can it be done?” or me for answering the question “How can it be done?”

The truth is we both are correct. It needs to be determined if there is a solution to the problem, but also a need to understand the brain damage that solution might cause.

Organizations that understand this fundamental reality (product cares about the feasibility of projects, while business development cares about the potential of projects) create a positive work environment where idea flourish and projects actually complete.

Right around when I first started at Lijit, Todd Vernon wrote a post about the roles of a CTO and a VP of Engineering. Initially, I was taken aback by this section:

Another way to look at it, the CXO team should all be thinking of the next way to upset the world.  The VP’s and their Directors should be huddling on how to deliver the crazy ass stuff the CXO team is thinking of.  Of course, everyone wears a little of both hats, but in my mind that’s the focus.

After all, I had just come off of selling my company, and saw myself as someone who’s purpose in life was to “think of the next way to upset the world.” Yet, I was taking on the VP of Business Development role, which was a “by design” decision. (My focus was on learning more about how a venture backed company worked and surrounding myself with experienced rock stars like Lijit’s board and management team.)

But the question that loomed was could I do what I do best in a role that is defined by “the delivering crazy ass stuff the CXO team is thinking of”? Isnt that the role of the product team? Frankly, I was worried.

And for a year, that worry never completely subsided. Dont get me wrong, we landed big publishers, launched strong product upgrades and created great partnerships. Dont believe me? We are currently approximately 50%-ish ahead on our goals (which were scary high to start with). Clearly, we are doing something right.

Because of our successes, I never bought into the need for a dedicated product team. I didnt want a group who primary function was to tell me no. Who’s role was to determine FEASIBILITY not POSSIBILITY. To ask “Can it be done?” Not “HOW can it be done?”

Then we hired Greg Keller. Greg is a seasoned product manager and a solid blogger. He rides a bike (ok, he is a cyclist), but most importantly, understands the proper intersection of product and business development.

Over the past several weeks, the product team has expanded (and contracted a bit) to take ownership of our three products: The website (and search results), the widget and our ad network. In each case, the product path has become more clear, the important (and missing) elements have come to light, and the spots where I can make the most impact for Lijit.

What this has taught me is that if I were to build a company, I would look past the current constructs of position titles to understanding the true functions:

CEO – final decision maker; vision builder (”What do we want to be?”)

Operations – operationally focused; makes the business run (”How can we make that a reality?”)

BD – Lives outside reality, thinks about what is possible. (”What is possible?”)

Product – Lives in feasibility; thinks about how to make things reality (”What is feasible?”)

Engineering – Focused on making. They are the builders. (”Can we do it?”)

(Yes, I dont talk about sales. Sales is a very mechanical function, even though it is very necessary).

Can a small company share these responsibilities? Yes.

But, damn, its nice to have area experts.