Even though I am a divorce coach in San Diego, I often speak with men and women from across the Country who are facing the exact same issues.  When it comes to the contemplation stage of divorce everyone needs the same thing: a safe, confidential, informed confidant to help them weigh all of the options. Sadly, the divorce rate for first, second and third marriages in the US is 67%. I hate to even say this as I’m not an advocate for divorce, just a facilitator of peaceful divorce, but the stats make it clear: most marriages will end in divorce. More than half of you will need to have this conversation.

There is no perfect way to way to end a marriage but there are ways that are more respectful and considerate than others; ways to avoid both carnage and regret. Here are some thoughts on how to move from the worry loop that is no doubt paralyzing you and perhaps depressing you, so you can alleviate the stress of indecision and make  reasoned decisions about whether or not your marriage can be salvaged.

First, consider whether your marriage is truly beyond repair. Before making any declarations of divorce to your spouse let’s make sure you are not in a phase, or suffering from a divorce fantasy. Family life is challenging, let’s be sure you do not end your marriage because you fell into a victim phase or simply imagined freedoms’ that don’t really exist or deeply matter to you.

You want to know with enough clarity as possible the answer to this question: “If I dispose of this marriage will my life be better; will I be happier?” So the question remains, how do you determine the answer to that question?

Here’s what I suggest:

1. Write out the pros of your marriage and the pros of being divorced as you see them. Then write out the cons of this marriage and the cons of being divorced.
2. Write out the 5 qualities that you cherished about your partner when you decided to marry him or her and 2 aspects of his or her character you did not cherish but were willing to accept.  Ask yourself what’s changed?  Add to that list the 5 qualities you feel you brought to the marriage and the 2 you were asking your partner to tolerate about you and then ask yourself what’s changed?
3. Write out at least 3 things that brought the two of you joy and intimacy, that bonded you when your marriage first began and ask yourself can we revive that bond and joy and connect in ways that brought us that kind of intimacy again? If your answer is yes, imagine how and list any barriers you perceive to be in the way. If your answer is no, what are the barriers that you feel would prevent you from rebuilding your marriage?
4. If you conclude that your emotional commitment to your marriage is beyond repair you will next need to consider the financial consequences of divorce and create an end thinking exit plan that includes a plan for life after divorce. You will need to determine when and how to have difficult conversations and you will want help communicating through the potential conflict so you do not squander your legacy, compromise your health, destroy trusted relationships and compromise your ability to thrive after divorce.

Give yourself time to make peace with your process, the decision to divorce is life altering. Get confidential support and take the time to be sure you know with as much certainty as possible, the true scope and effect of your decisions.

Are you wondering how to get a divorce without the losses and regrets so many who have been there still talk about years later? Have you heard about divorce coaching and wonder what is a divorce coach and could coaching help me divorce in a less costly more peaceful way?

Listen to this interview of Laura McGee, founder of  Leave Strong Divorce Coaching for answers to your questions. Laura shares how her own personal  divorce in the California courts shaped her mission. She learned first hand how not to get a divorce in California. The wisdom she gained will help and guide you as you ask yourself” “how can I get divorced in a way that preserves our resources and assets, protects our children and enables us to co-parent effectively, and reduces the chaos and stress of divorce. Laura’s expertise as a former trial lawyer and trained mediator combined with her real life experience is the key to her effectiveness, knowledge and success at helping others to leave strong.

Of course you are here because you have very personal questions about your divorce that don’t belong in a public forum. You will find as you  listen that Laura has your needs in mind. All you have to do is follow the instructions here and you will receive a 90 minute private consultation at a fraction of the usual price.

With special thanks to the eWomen’s Network of Orange County for taking the time to support me and other women in business.

“Marriage is grand, divorce a hundred grand” is the cautionary pronouncement any respected financial expert will give to a client considering divorce. Without a financially based plan of action, divorce can ruin you. Just ask Ginita Wall financial expert and founder of Second Saturday. She has gathered divorce experts for more than 23 years to help inform women in San Diego about the perils of divorce without a carefully considered plan of action.

In marriage, as in divorce, finances can be a divisive battle ground. It’s no surprise that couples faced with shrinking household resources due to job losses, the depressed housing and stock markets, together with gaps in values over what to spend precious resources on, can turn on each other once the big “D” bomb drops. If you thought the loss of 40% of your net worth as a consequence of the economy was hard to swallow, try living with yourself after you wake up from your divorce battle only to discover your divorce just consumed the rest of your resources.

If you are among the super rich, you will escape financial ruin. If you are so poor you have no assets and little or no income to fight over, then the available free resources will most likely serve your needs. For most of America’s middle class however, you have just enough to fight about and not enough to live on should you fight.

SO HOW DO YOU WIN THE WAR WITHOUT ENGAGING A BATTLE?

1. Think of your divorce as a dance rather than a game of hide and seek; no one is supposed to win. Okay so perhaps not one of those high school dances where it’s all about clutching and not about moving, instead think of the real discipline and counterparts of a dance; let go when the music stops.  Agree to agree on at least three things: you no longer want to be married, you want  the children cared for, and you want out without squandering the legacy you worked so hard you create.

2. Who’s on your team? Let’s face it, you’re probably not seeking a divorce unless you have a fatal breakdown in communication. One or both of you is so done that you are willing to let go of the dream your marriage encompassed, risk financial ruin and other losses, just to get out. Let’s be real, you may not be able to get very far in the information gathering and sharing stage without support. This is often the point where fear gripes one or both of you and one or both ‘lawyer up.’  You stop co-operating or even talking to each other and yet in the end the same information will need to be disclosed. Do you really want to pay $700 – $800  an hour for your two attorneys to gather your information and talk to each other about your life’s savings?. Let’s build you a team you can trust to work collaboratively with you.

3. It’s time to talk turkey. In a marriage it’s common to divide tasks which means each of you has acquired specialized knowledge about some aspects of your life. The other may lag well behind because of the information gap. When you operated as a couple it was more efficient to divide tasks; but now it’s time for full disclosure, transparency and accountability. Your first goal is to gain a comprehensive picture of your financial reality. What are your assets, debts, income stream? The gap between the clear reality of how much money there is to go around and how much each of you think there is to go around is an argument you just don’t have to have. Focus on gathering all of the information before any discussion about distribution and spending priorities.

4. Think outside your box. As a couple your focus was on building a box, one that met all of your family’s needs. As a divorced family you will need 2 boxes. You need to let go and rethink your game plan. Start with the goal of creating a fresh clean start. Jointly order your credit report to identify all debt  https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp. Then work together to clean it all up. Consider the pros and cons of selling the house to create two homes. There is value in severing your liability. You may even need to explore a short sale or a foreclosure or joint debt relief before you divorce.

5. How sick is your divorce? Now that you have all the information step back and give yourself time to adjust your expectations. Take stock of what you can agree on and the issues that still divide you. Take the temperature of your patient. How sick is your divorce? Do you need an attorney and if so do you need one with specialized knowledge of issues that divide you like how businesses earn their income, long term care for special needs children, timing a bankruptcy with your divorce, or some other complex legal issue. Ask yourself could you resolve this with a skilled mediator. Do you agree and just need a service to create a legally binding agreement? You wouldn’t see a brain surgeon for an ingrown toenail would you?

Whatever the reasons for your divorce, you are dissolving a partnership, but in most cases continue to share resources to support your children and or, the journey of the other to autonomy. As a divorce coach who was a trial lawyer and  trained as a mediator Laura can help individuals and couples make critical decisions and access the support they need to create a high integrity, low conflict legally binding resolution in a cost conscious way. You can find our more about the benefits and value of using a Laura McGee to facilitate yor divorce process at LeaveStrong.com

Does the mere sound of your ex’s voice ignite a flood of emotions from somewhere so deep inside of you, you can’t even account for your response? Does your throat constrict, chest pound, stomach churn, blood boil or head swirl within seconds of an attempt at a conversation?  Do you lose control of your capacity to respond like the intelligent person you know you are each time you engage? Would you like to change all that? You are not alone.  The good news is: with a clear intention to change,  mindfulness, and a plan of action, you can.

By the time a marriage has reached its end stage you have cached an entire set of assumptions about the other person’s intentions; few will be positive. In your divorce fantasy, you no doubt imagined that once the marriage was over, the power struggles that led to the fights that eroded your marriage would, like your marriage, be over.  If you struggled with conflict resolution in your marriage and were  unable to reach an amicable resolution using a divorce coach and or a mediator , the fears that  drove your litigious divorce process will have deepened the divide.

Ideally you’d never have to speak again. End of story. Done! But, let’s face it, if you share children, you are going to have to communicate to co-parent effectively. There is no way around the ongoing need to talk about: child-sharing schedules, extra-curricular expenditures, holiday scheduling, the health or illness, educational concerns or goals of each child. That’s the short list. That’s if everything is going  just swimmingly! Then there’s the much longer list of concerns that can lead to conflict: relocation of a spouse, remarriage, family blending, grief around the loss of a loved one you’ve disconnected with, bullying, delinquency, a newly discovered special need of your child, job loss, or other complex, sometimes  life altering concerns. Don’t assume your children turn 18 and it’s over. There will be graduations, weddings, funerals, grandchildren and so much more. You are united for this lifetime. Even then it’s not over, the memories you help generate in this lifetime,  will last for many more.

So what can you do?

Here are 5 Successful Strategies to help you claim control of your emotions and behavior when life calls upon you to communicate through conflict with your ex.

1.  Set Your Intention

No one is in charge of how we feel or behave. If you give that power away you will be angry, but it should be with yourself. All change begins with an awareness of the problem and then a clear intention to change the way you deal with the problem in the future. Don’t expect perfection of yourself, but do take responsibility for, and  learn from, your mistakes. How do you do that? Separate the person from the problem. You may find it helpful to journal your conflict. What issues are continually arising? How do you feel in that moment, and how do you feel after a cooling off period? What would you like to feel like, and what one step can you take to move from reation to reasoned response next time?

2.  Set Your Expectations

The gap between what we hope for and what is, can be a painful chasm. Lower your expectations of your ex and raise your expectations of yourself. Not because I think that’s “fair” or that I’m trying to test or punish you, but because you can’t control his temper, his lateness, his rage or belligerent behavior, but you can stay in your own integrity and control how you will choose to respond to his behavior. Forgive the past, focus on creating a future rich with possibilities and you will begin to see things quite differently.

3.  Set Your Boundaries

It’s important to decide before you are in conflict which issues you are willing to be flexible about and where you draw the line in the sand. Trust me, you do not want to show up for every argument! Dealing with a difficult ex requires that you be clear and firm about when, where and if you will even have ‘that’ conversation. Everything is not negotiable, that’s why you have an agreement, but life has unforeseen circumstances, that’s why you are willing to be flexible. Once your ex finally realizes that you cannot be bullied, pressured, shamed or otherwise manipulated into an argument as a way of resolving important issues you will have set the stage for  healthy change and a sustainable outcome.

4.  Change Your Behavior

Ask yourself: am I being assumptive? What is the heart of the issue? Ask yourself to listen without interruption. You may need to check in that you’ve got it before you respond. Notice how much more relieved and in control you feel when your exchanges do not result in conflict? Notice how you accomplished the best result, and do it again. Keep verbal exchanges to a minimum and out of earshot of the children, you will have less to regret. Allow calls to go to voicemail if you do not have privacy or the skills yet to manage your responses in the moment. Keep your emails focused on resolving concerns and avoid language that shames or blames the messenger. Be brief and clear. You can always say more, good luck retracting what you said. Notice your own behavior, don’t worry about theirs.

5.  Practice Change Behavior

Are you in the habit of reacting right away to whatever your ex has to say to or about you?  Now that you’ve decided you’d like to change, reset your expectations, clarified boundaries and practiced noticing your own emotional responses to conflict,  it’s time to start practicing new behavior until it’s just the way you respond to conflict. In the early stages limit  face to face discussions, communicating in the face of conflict is just plain hard. Take time to respond and do so in writing. Carefully consider the impact your words may have and ask yourself: “will this still be important next week, next month, next year, or will time just take care of this?” Allow your concerns or reply to a concern to simmer. Go do something you love doing before you come back and then review, edit and then if you really must, send. Sometimes the simple act of writing out your response without is enough to clarify and simplify the issue. A little time may give you an opportunity to consider more options and easily resolve it. If you are caught up unexpectedly in verbal conflict, bow out as soon as you notice where this is going and simply state:  “It’s important to me to  deal with this with a clear calm head, I’m going to give this some serious thought and get back to you by____” and frame a time. Then follow up by doing exactly what you said you would do. Stay in your integrity.

It not easy to change the way you communicate, especially when there is history of conflict  that was severe enough to dissolve your marriage. When you assume responsibility for, and take control of, the way you respond to conflict with your ex, you will feel empowered and inspired to work through the important issues that affect your children and their well being. You will build your own conflict resolution skills, save time and energy, be less stressed and physically affected by your ex and in the process free yourself from the negative mindset sustained conflict creates. You are making room in your body and your life to  thrive. Don’t you think you and your children are worth it?

Other useful links:

• Collaborating: win/win
• Compromising: win some/lose some
• Accommodating: lose/win
• Competing: win/lose
• Avoiding: no winners/no losers

Ask any divorced woman: “If you had a do-over would you do anything differently?” and trust me the wisdom of her hindsight could be your saving grace.

While it is true that whatever does not kill you makes you stronger, I’m not so sure we need to be powerlifters to get through life. Yes, there’s the whole lemons to lemonade thing, and don’t get me wrong I love lemonade on a hot day, in a hammock with a great book. But I bet you’d be happy to trade your lemonade for a glass of tepid water with a fly still swimming in if it meant gaining access to the wisdom of those who’d been there before you. They can’t change their divorce experience, but their experience  can change yours. So let’s raise a glass to the women who did it wrong so you can Leave Strong.

1.  I Had An Affair

If there was just one thing a woman who had an affair would do over again, it’s leave before the affair. Divorce may have become no-fault as a matter of law, but let’s face it, we live in an at fault world. Good luck keeping the shame and blame out of your divorce process, just try negotiating a peace treaty with a man who feels rejected, lied to and cheated on. You’ll need fairy dust to effectively co-parent with your ex and your lover. And, I don’t know if you really want to know about the impact your embittered divorce will have on your children. Leave first my friend. You will have plenty of time for love.

2.  I Stayed Too Long

Ever notice that we fall into love, but crawl out? I just don’t hear: “I left too soon.” If you’ve truly done all you can to salvage your marriage you are just paving a path to a messy divorce by delaying the exit.  You may be telling yourself: it’s for the children or just until we get through this crisis, but if you are battling it out within earshot of your children, or modeling isolation and contempt, how is that helping your children? And really, what is happening to your soul? You will regret that you allowed yourself to become so weak, so disempowered so paralyzed by fear and so bitter with resentment that you lost your sense of self. Get up off your knees while you still can and leave before regrettable, undoable damage is done.

3.  I Let Him Do All That

It’s 2012 and yet I still hear women say things like: “He took care of filing our taxes; I have no idea how much money we make.” “I don’t know what we owe on our house. ”I’m not sure how much he has in his retirement account.”  A marriage is, among other things, a financial partnership. If you did not participate in the decision making and share full financial disclosure during your marriage you are likely in for a few not so pleasant surprises on the way out. Remember this 7th grade definition of “assume?: “Ass U Me”. Take responsibility for knowing everything there is to know about your family’s finances which means: mine, yours and ours before you leave. Assume nothing. Knowledge is power, don’t leave home without it.

4.  I Gave Up My Career

Managing the conflicting demands and priorities of child rearing and career autonomy will never cease to be a conundrum for women. The desire to personally raise your children puts you in direct conflict with your other normal desire: self-governance. When it comes to marriage we are typically optimistic past reason. And that’s a good thing. Right?  If I told you there was about a 50% chance that by getting in my car I was going to crash and a pretty high likelihood that if we crashed, we were going to be injured in some life altering way, would you get in the car with me? All I’m saying is that women who blindly give up their careers, who focus exclusively on the demands of child rearing have the greatest regrets when they divorce because now they have to rebuild from scratch. Women, who struggle, but maintain their career, even if they compromise it while parenting, are able to recover financial independence faster and their children undergo less change. They are less likely to feel victimized by the divorce process. If you gave up your career take steps to recreate yourself now, or you will regret it.

5.  I Left Without A Plan

How long did you spend planning your wedding? How long will you spend planning your divorce? Women will tell you that they had a divorce fantasy, but not an exit strategy and they regret that they did not take the time and seek the support that would have helped them create a plan.  It’s not like the process wasn’t underway, it’s just that they couldn’t help but feel that by planning for the end they were giving up, being cold, inhuman, calculating or even devious.  In hindsight they will tell you that leaving without a plan was a very costly and avoidable mistake. No need to be devious, but you will save on legal costs and accelerate your divorce process when you get help and plan your exit.

6.  I Made the Kids Choose Sides

It takes some serious soul searching to be able to admit that you put your kids’ right in the middle of your divorce. No sane woman ever sets out to do that, quite the opposite. But ask the kids of parents who became embroiled in the shame and blame game and they will sadly recount the pain they endured as they heard their parents bad-mouth one another, argue, withhold them, break promises, under support and overshare.  They will show you the wounds and scars and wonder with you if they will ever be able to trust love. It’s hard to parent with a man you’ve given up on, but it’s important to find ways to honor that he will always be their father. You have many do-overs in life; parenting is not one of them. Get some professional help so you don’t have to look back with the clarity of hindsight and regret the harm you did to those you cherish most.

7.  I Committed Again, Too Soon

By the time a marriage is over, there has usually been sustained fasting from intimacy. Like any fast you’re at risk to feast. If you break out of your marriage and head straight onto the arms of “transition man” you may find yourself gorging on your next biggest mistake. Be patient. You need time to heal, gain perspective, stabilize and yes, it’s true, find your sense of self. The early stages of separation and divorce are a vulnerable time. You may feel very isolated and abandoned. Even your new child sharing plan means you have, what may feel like, too much alone time. Take it. Explore the interests you abandoned, rebuild your career, find new girlfriends, get fit and healthy, richly connect with your children, and breathe. Learn to love yourself first because no one will ever love you more than you love yourself.

8.  I Did Not Seek Professional Help

Is there a more vulnerable time of your life than during a divorce? The untold fears, secret habits, predilections, fantasies, addictions, health issues, bad habits and indiscretions you shared with your husband are all now at risk of being shared with friends, family, co-workers, new lovers and anyone else who loves gossip, or worse yet, your children. Many women, driven by fear of exposure, make the mistake of running an offensive campaign and overshare the proclivities of their ex.  Some overshare their own private life in the faint hope of gaining approval and support, but soon discover they have only outed themself. Others just hide in shame. It doesn’t matter if you are one or all three of these women, you need help.  Divorce can strip you of your dignity, invade your privacy, paralyze and disarm you. This is not a journey you want to take alone. Learn to share in a safe, confidential environment where you will be supported, guided and if necessary protected. Life always has regrets. This passage will test you. You will want to look back at the choices you made and know you considered your choices and acted with integrity.  Yes, there will be a few things, even with support, you might wish you did differently, but you won’t be buried under a pile of regret.

Learning from others’ mistakes or troubles is such an opportunity to learn from those who’ve been there before you.  

When the chaos and paralysis of separation and divorce takes over your capacity to make clear-minded decisions will be compromised. But what if you had access to the wisdom and  insights of those who have already been through this often soul-crushing process?

Today, I’ll be speaking on my radio series over at Ashford at 11:30am PST.  You can listen in here.

Do you have any regrets about your divorce – financial, emotional or otherwise?  Leave your thoughts in the comments.

The show schedule is:

Here is the press release!  Please share if you’re a fan!

****PRESS RELEASE*****

(May 17th, 2012, San Diego, CA)  Divorce means you aren’t married any more, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t parents. You continue to share the responsibility and opportunity of raising healthy children.  The challenges of parenting when you are aligned can be tough enough, but the challenges of co-parenting after a marriage has completely broken down are seemingly endless.

Laura McGee, owner of Leave Strong and Ashford Radio’s own divorce coach, is back to break down the stages and issues that you may come across during and after the divorce process.  She has put her entire being into creating an empowering coaching system that will teach you how to accelerate your way though the potentially costly and destructive divorce process, so you can leave strong and thrive.

Aside from it being a great show (archived below), the ratings were through the roof and I am now Ashford Media and Blog Talk Radio’s Official Divorce Coach!

Here’s the link to read more about it.

Be sure to listen in today (Friday, the 4th) at 11am PST for another opportunity to ask your burning questions and a chance to win a $25 gift certificate to Godiva!

Mmmmm chocolate….