TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

On a city sidewalk, a balding man in a shirt and tie is talking insistently to a purple-haired passerby with glasses and tattoos.

MAN: Hey, pal, guess what? They’re letting millions of illegals into the country to vote for Democrats!

PANEL 2

In a kitchen, the same man has stuck his head and shoulders through a window into the kitchen, shaking a finger emphatically as he lectures a startled woman.

MAN: The Democrats’ dirty vote machine is so diabolical it’s impossible to “prove,” but everybody knows it stinks!

PANEL 3

In a park, the same man has grabbed another person by the shoulder and is shouting in their face.

MAN: Never mind “proof.” Your elections are stolen! It’s all rigged! Democracy is dead!!

PANEL 4

Close-up of a hand holding a phone. On the screen, the same man—now smiling and calm—is speaking on Fox News.

MAN: Of course there’s proof elections are crooked! Because if they aren’t, why do so many Americans think they are?

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Panel 1: Graffiti on the wall says: “I have tagged this wall, and therefore I have become immortal”; “20 percent is the new 15 percent”; “Pore Jud is Daid”; “BG”; “BG yes again”; and “The Vanishing Point is the God of Us All.” Also on the wall, a purple cartoon bunny, labeled “Evil Bunny,” is surrounded by flying knives.

In the store window, ad posters include a cigarette brand called “DIE,” a cupcake with a happy worm crawling out of it, Beaker from the Muppets, and a column of comic-book sound effects: “Bim Bam Boom Boot Toot.”

A newspaper on the sidewalk is called the Background Tribune. The headline reads “Crucial Headline In Left Corner Cropped Off. Thousands of Deaths Blamed on a Cartoonist’s Laziness. ‘Whoops’ says the jerk.” The headline on the lower left is cut off by the panel border, but in my mind it was “Whomp Whomp.”

A bottle lying in the gutter is labeled “Hootch Juice.”

Panel 2: A cereal box is labeled, “Your Childhood Cereal You Keep Eating Even Though It’s Bad,” and promises the “Same Awful Taste!” On the side of the cereal box, it says “100% 90%” and then in small letters “are both numbers.”

In a coffee mug on the counter, a mouse wearing a purple hat sits thoughtfully.

On a shelf, cookbooks include Cook Book, Schnook Book, You Can Cook! and Just Kidding, You’re Awful! There’s also a glaring bald head with a cigar.

Panel 3: A notice nailed to a tree reads: “NOTICE: People who read tiny background text will be sent to bed with no supper. —Your Mom.” Nearby, the Evil Bunny from panel one is partly emerging from a hole in the ground, smoking a joint and holding a teddy bear. Woodstock from “Peanuts” is sitting on a tree branch.

Panel 4: The Fox News logo says “Nox Fews.” The news crawl says “Muffin Man: ‘No one knows the real me’” and “Single best celebrity dies. ‘Whoopsies’ says God.” (I wrote that one the day Dolly passed away.) Thumbnails for other stories are headlined “Global Warming: FAKE” and “If global warming isn’t fake then it’s GOOD NEWS!” with a picture of a smiling sun wearing sunglasses and enjoying the beach.

Everyone Knows Elections Are Rigged | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Another collaboration with Becky Hawkins!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels.

PANEL 1

A bearded man in a red cap is recording a video of himself.

JAKE: Why should taxpayers be on the hook for science research with no real-world value? If their research were worth anything, private industry would already fund it!

PANEL 2

Jake’s rant continues over a cross-section of the landscape, from farmland and suburbs to a city; his voice is coming from a little cabin. A fiber-optic cable runs underground all the way across the panel.

JAKE: Believe me, these researchers aren’t a bunch of Einsteins!

CAPTION: There wouldn’t be high-speed internet for this doofus’s videos without fiber optic cables!

PANEL 3

Under the ocean, a fiber-optic cable runs along the ocean floor. Word balloons coming from the fiber optic cable contain the icons of many internet-based services — Facebook, Zoom, Discord, Netflix, Minecraft, and more.

CAPTION: Without fiber optics, the internet would be far too slow for how we use it today.

PANEL 4

CAPTION: So where did fiber optics come from? Well…

CAPTION: 1966

In a laboratory break room, an excited scientist throws his arms wide while another scientist eats at a table.

SCIENTIST: Now that lasers exist, we can use ultrapure glass fibers to carry light long distances!

OTHER SCIENTIST: How does that do anything?

PANEL 5

CAPTION: 1960

A scientist proudly holds up a diagram of a newly invented device. Another scientist sits at a microscope.

SCIENTIST: I call it a “laser”! It’s based on the old theory of stimulated emission.

OTHER SCIENTIST: But Theo, what use is it?

PANEL 6

CAPTION: 1917

Outside a university, a pompous-looking man gestures indignantly as he reads a scientific paper. He’s speaking to a young Albert Einstein, who rolls his eyes.

MAN: Albert, where’s the practical value in this “stimulated emission” drivel? It’s a waste of taxpayer money!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

In panel 1, Jake’s video is titled “Harsh Truths with Jake.” Signs behind him read “Please love me” with three thumbs-up symbols, “Need More attention” with a notification-bell symbol, and “Buy my sponsored doodads.”

In panel 3, the octopus is simultaneously listening to headphones, drinking coffee, using a phone, and washing dishes. A whale with swims overhead, looking at her phone. A shipwreck has a figurehead wearing a snorkel and looking at a phone.

In panel 4, a note taped to the refrigerator reads: “Do NOT store experiments in the break room fridge! —Management.”

In panel 5, the technical diagram has parts labeled “SCIENCE STUFF,” “THINGY,” “MORE SCIENCE STUFF,” and “PEW! PEW!”

In panel 6, the statue pedestal reads: “Friedrich Wilhelm University. Publicly Funded. Why Is This Sign Written in English?”

A Bunch of Einsteins | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Another collaboration with gorgeous visuals from R.E. Ryan.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. The same bespectacled, bearded man appears in all four.

PANEL 1

The man walks past several masked ICE agents. Two agents are dragging an older man toward the open back of an SUV. Nearby, a distressed woman stands with a small child who is crying. An ICE agent is pointing a gun at the child.

MAN (thought): Hmmm.

PANEL 2

Outside the Supreme Court, several Supreme Court justices in black robes are drinking and celebrating around a bonfire in which the Voting Rights Act is burning. The man walks past in the background, watching them.

MAN (thought): Hmm.

PANEL 3

At a bus stop, a woman is reading a newspaper. The man stands beside her, leaning slightly to read the front page. The newspaper’s main headline says: ANOTHER COMPLETELY UNAUTHORIZED UNNECESSARY WAR

MAN (thought): Mm-hmm.

PANEL 4

We see an open laptop. On its screen, the man is appearing on a TV interview show, grinning as he holds up a copy of his book, Polarization: Both Sides Did It!

MAN: America’s biggest problem is… POLARIZATION!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

In panel 2, the burning Voting Rights Act is depicted as the “I’m Just a Bill” character from Schoolhouse Rock!

In panel 3, the newspaper is called The Daily Gab. Under the enormous war headline is a much smaller headline: “Study: No one reads smaller headlines or studies.” A sub-headline says “‘My life is pointless,’ says sub-headline writer.”

On the wall in panel 3, graffiti includes tags from all eight captains from Star Trek shows (Pike, Kirk, Janeway, Burnham, Freeman, Picard, Sisko, and Archer) plus Taggart from Galaxy Quest. Other graffiti includes “Skitter Lives!” with a spider; a huge “BG,” for “background”; and “Never obey! I order U not to obey!” It only occurs to me now, writing this transcript, that I should have made it “not 2 obey.” Oh well.

In panel 4, behind the laptop, a large orange cat is sleeping. Curled up asleep on the cat’s tail is a tiny mouse wearing a sleeping cap.

America’s Biggest Problem | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Welcome back to Kevin Moore, whose lovely drawings we haven’t seen here in a pig’s age! (I have no idea what a “pig’s age” means.)

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. They all show the same scene: A woman in an orange tracksuit, in a park, is talking to a red robot on tank treads. The robot has a television screen for a head, with a newsman’s face on the screen, and “NEWSBOT-5000” written on its side.

PANEL 1

The woman walks peacefully along the sidewalk. The newsbot extends a microphone toward her. The newsman on its screen looks extremely cheerful.

NEWSBOT: Hi! It’s me, the media! Have you noticed that you’re surrounded by CRIME?

WOMAN: I am?

PANEL 2

A closer shot. The woman looks increasingly nervous, touching a finger to her cheek. The newsbot leans eagerly toward her.

NEWSBOT: Yes! You’re VERY endangered! It’s VERY likely that someone is about to jump out and murder you RIGHT NOW!

PANEL 3

The woman looks around a bit nervously, but all is quiet. The newsbot watches her with a worried expression.

PANEL 4

The newsbot suddenly yells at the woman. Startled, she leaps into the air, her glasses flying off her face.

NEWSBOT: ANY SECOND NOW!

WOMAN: AAUGH!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an ancient cartooning term for fun but unimportant details in the art.

Panel 1 – The sun has a face and is smoking a cig. A tree also has a rather angry-looking face. A strange one-eyed creature—who Kevin assures me is not a minion, but a little creature that he’s been doodling his whole life—pops out of the ground. And a hostile raccoon accosts a frightened rat.

Panel 3 – The one-eyed creature is now up a tree. The tree’s face now looks like the tree is napping, including some drool. The rat is offering a bottle of booze to the raccoon.

Panel 4 – The tree’s face is now awake, surprised by the Newsbot’s yelling. The one-eyed creature is all the way on the horizon. And the raccoon and rat are happily drunk together.

Crime’s Gonna Get You! | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Another collab with Becky Hawkins! Becky and I are both fond of creating these history cartoons. Not every cartoon in the “history” category is drawn by Becky, but I suspect most of them are.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON
This cartoon has four panels, each showing a different period of history.

PANEL 1
Present day. A close-up of a hand holding a smartphone. The phone’s screen shows a talk show called “The JAQ Off.” Large letters on the front of the desk say “JUST ASKING QUESTIONS.” The host is interviewing a blonde woman in a red dress.

BLONDE: I don’t hate transgenders — I’m just against radical gender ideology.

PANEL 2
The 2000s. Two thin women are talking in the plus-size exercise-clothing section of a store. There are two fat mannequins dressed in exercise clothes, and a sign on the wall announces a sale on XL exercise clothes.

WOMAN: I’ve got nothing against fat people! But I hate it when they glorify obesity.

PANEL 3
Three white people dressed in 1940s clothing stand on a lawn, holding protest signs. The man in the center is speaking.

MAN: I have dear friends who are Jews! But the INTERNATIONAL JEWISH CABAL will destroy America!

The woman’s sign says: I DID NOT RAISE MY BOY TO DIE FOR UNCLE SHYLOCK

The man’s sign says: HITLER HAS NOT ATTACKED US. WHY ATTACK HITLER?

The third protester’s sign says: AMERICA FOR AMERICANS*

PANEL 4
A man in nineteenth-century clothing, wearing a huge stovepipe hat and a long blue coat, strides down a street while confronting a startled woman in an enormous hoop skirt. He carries a large sign.

TOP HAT: Understand I bear no ill will for the GOOD Catholics. But I abhor papist Romanist conspiracies!

CAPTION AT BOTTOM OF STRIP: RECYCLING.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH
“Chicken fat” is obscure cartoonists’ lingo for obscure details hidden in the art.

In panel one, the news chyron says “STUDY: EVERYONE IS JUDGING YOU.” Smaller print underneath says, “‘Shouldn’t You Be Working Now?’ asks Handsome Chyron Writer.” The recommended videos are titled “Hate is love,” “Vegan TERRORIST,” “This puppy hates libs,” and “Clickbaiters HATE this.”

In panel two, a poster headed “INSPIRE” continues, “…you to spend more money.” A warning sign says, “CAUTION: Pulling large pants size from bottom of pile may result in injury.” A poster showing a jogger and a dog in front of a beautiful lake scene says, “This could be YOU! …if you buy the right PANTS.”

In panel three, a poster in a store window says “DOCTORS LOVE SMOKING.” The “America For Americans” sign has a small print disclaimer: “*The white Protestant ones.”

In panel four, the horse is looking with alarm at the racist “IRISH MENACE” sign. The “Know Nothing Party” sign says in small print “*Most on-the-nose name ever.” There is a pig in a pinstriped waistcoat holding a pocket watch. A terrified-looking kitten is clinging to the hoop skirt. And several piles of horse manure litter the street, but is that chicken fat or just period detail?

Recycling | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

TRANSCRIPT

Panel 1:
A woman and a man sit on a low stone wall in a park. The woman is upset; the man listens.

WOMAN: And now the Democrat in the race is backing some anti-trans laws! I’m not sure I can vote for that.

MAN (thinking): Uh-oh. Democrats need every vote. How can I convince her to vote for the Democrat anyway?

Panel 2:
The woman and man walk through the park, the woman ahead of him.

WOMAN: Of course, the Republican is even worse. But if Democrats turn against trans people… I’m so frightened.

MAN (thinking): I’ve got to be empathetic and persuasive.

Panel 3:
Close-up of the man, looking thoughtful with his hand on his chin.

WOMAN (off-panel): Look at what happened to the UK — they’ve now got two anti-trans parties. If we let that happen here, trans rights are dead.

MAN (thinking): Okay, I think I know how to reassure her and get her vote.

Panel 4:
The man is suddenly furious, leaning toward the startled woman and pointing at her.

MAN: You’re a Trump supporting moron and you deserve to die!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

PANEL 1:
A good dog with a halo peers out a window. A hand sticks out of a hole in a tree holding a sign that says SEND CANDY.

PANEL 2:
Groucho peeks from behind some bushes. A poster nailed to a tree reads “Background gag to come and it’ll be so funny!” A bad rabbit (we know it’s bad because it’s smoking) sits beside a bad worm (also smoking). A bottle lying in the grass is labeled “BARRY BEER” and has a disturbed-looking drawing of Barry. A mouse holds a knife to a cat; the cat raises its front paws in surrender.

PANEL 4:
A giant mouse (?) in a shirt and tie sits on the wall reading a newspaper, called “Daily Blah Blah,” whose headline says “Literate Rodent Escapes Lab.”

The Art of Persuasion | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Another collaboration with the chicken-fat-mad Mike Lawrence! That trap-filled hopscotch board was entirely Mike’s idea.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows two friends walking through a wooded park. One is a man wearing a baseball cap and an orange T-shirt, so I’ll call him ORANGE. The other is a woman wearing a red plaid shirt, so I’ll call her PLAID.

PANEL 1

Orange smiles as he reads something on his smartphone. Plaid looks interested.

ORANGE: Look at this! Another study found that basic income works!

PLAID: What’s basic income?

PANEL 2

Orange explains while Plaid hops through a hopscotch grid drawn on the path.

ORANGE: It’s the government giving everyone a basic income, so we’re all guaranteed enough to live on.

PLAID: That sounds amazing. But… if we had that, why would anyone work?

PANEL 3

Orange gestures emphatically with his free hand. Plaid walks with one hand thoughtfully against her chin.

ORANGE: That’s been studied so much… Over and over, when people are given basic incomes, they don’t stop working!

PLAID: Hmm… I’m still against it.

PANEL 4

Orange looks baffled. Plaid shrugs.

ORANGE: But why?

PLAID: I just can’t believe anything that good is possible.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an obsolete cartoonists’ term for unimportant but fun details slipped into the art.

PANEL 1: A little gray alien is flying a flying-saucer-shaped kite.

PANEL 2: The hopscotch grid is full of traps, including a spider, tacks, a Lego brick, a mouse frantically waving its arms as if to say “Don’t step on me!,” a pile of poop, a whoopee cushion, a mousetrap, and a bear trap. A “wanted” poster for a raccoon with an eyepatch is nailed to a tree.

PANEL 3: A sasquatch and an Ewok are hiding behind trees; the sasquatch signals to the Ewok to be quiet.

PANEL 4: The raccoon from Panel 2’s “wanted” poster is hiding in the bushes.

CLOTHES: Orange’s T-shirt shows a smiley face in Panel 1, an alien smiley in Panel 2, the blood-spattered Watchmen smiley in Panel 3, and the Hitchhiker’s Guide smiley-faced planet in Panel 4.

Plaid’s T-shirt shows an ear of corn in Panel 2 and a human ear in Panel 4.

Orange’s cap has a picture of a fly (insect) in panel 1, and a picture of a fly (pants) in panel 2.

The Basic Barrier | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. The first three show a wealthy, middle-aged couple in their luxurious living room with their poodle. I’ll call them MAN and WOMAN.

PANEL 1

The man leaps up from the sofa, staring with horror at his phone. The woman, sitting beside him, looks concerned.

MAN: Oh my God!! How could they do this?

WOMAN: What? What’s happened?

PANEL 2

A close-up of the anguished man holding his phone toward us. The phone displays a news page with the giant headline “NEW TAX.”

MAN: They’ve passed a new tax on billionaires!

PANEL 3

Back in the living room, the man sits hunched forward with his face in his hands. The woman throws her arms into the air, wailing.

MAN: Why are they doing this to us?

WOMAN: Because billionaires are the only minority it’s still acceptable to pick on! They won’t stop until we’re absolutely crushed!

PANEL 4

A large caption says “TWO YEARS LATER.”

The Woman from the first three panels is with a friend, relaxing in swimsuits on cushioned lounge chairs on a yacht, beside a swimming pool. A waiter approaches with a tray.

FRIEND: So how did that “billionaire tax” turn out for you two?

WOMAN: Devastating! We still haven’t recovered.

WAITER: Hors d’oeuvre?

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is old-fashioned cartoonists’ slang for little unimportant but hopefully fun details in the art.

Panel 1: The painting on the wall is American Gothic, but with Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show. The coffee-table books are titled “RICH: YOU DESERVE IT!,” “POOR: THEY DESERVE ZIP!” and “MIDDLE CLASS: WHO CARES?” A poodle naps beside the couple, while a Koons balloon-dog sculpture is on the coffee table. Outside the window, a giant hand atop a building flashes a peace sign.

Panel 2: Other stories on the phone include “ABE VIGODA FOUND ALIVE,” “SHOCKER! RICH IDIOT BUYS $40,000 PHONE!” and (in a partially cropped off thumbnail) “CROP truncate shorten cut off.” The “$40,000 phone” image shows the same phone the man is holding up —and even the same hand. (And yes, that phone — the “Agent Q Himalaya Alligator Gold & Diamond” — is real.)

Panel 3: The coffee-table books now refer to Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First?” routine: “WHO — FIRST,” “WHAT — SECOND” and “DON’T CARE — SHORTSTOP.” A framed photo of the Monopoly Man sits on the end table. A rat in a tux holds a cocktail. The poodle pees on the Koons sculpture.

Panel 4: The poodle wears sunglasses and reads a magazine. The Loch Ness Monster (but with a duck head) swims in the ocean. The rat from panel 3, wearing swim trunks, is doing the back float in the pool.

Those Poor, Poor Billionaires | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

This cartoon is by me and the amazing Mike Lawrence.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

Panel 1

The year is 2024. A WOMAN and a MAN sit at a table in a coffee shop, looking at their phones.

WOMAN: The Supreme Court says no official act by the president can be a crime! Can we call it fascism yet?

MAN: Of course not. Don’t be hysterical.

Panel 2

The year is 2025. The WOMAN and MAN stand outside in snowy weather; the woman is pointing to something on her phone.

WOMAN: ICE invaded Minneapolis! Masked government agents are kidnapping people! Can we call it fascism now?

MAN: No! It’s bad, but let’s not exaggerate.

Panel 3

The year is 2026. The WOMAN and MAN sit on a park bench. She reads from her phone.

WOMAN: The White House says it’ll eradicate “Antifa militants” and ignore civil liberties. Can we call it fascism yet?

MAN: Enough with the doomerism!

Panel 4

The year is 2030. Armed, armored government troops stand nearby. The WOMAN begins to speak, but the frightened MAN stops her.

WOMAN: Can we—

MAN: Shhh! Do you want to get us arrested?

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an ancient cartooning term for fun but unimportant details in the art.

PANEL 1: The coffee shop is called “Bump & GRIND (not a strip club).” The menu offers “brewtentious latte, true brew, vessel w/ pestle, dragon flagon, palace chalice, hot tea” and in a section marked “Pies,” offers “whim pie, pup pie, gup pie, hip pie, and yup pie.” Groucho Marx’s decapitated head is in the pastry case. The extremely embarrassed-looking barista is reading a book called 5000 Shades of Gray. The coffee mugs have a logo consisting of the words “BAD LOGO” arranged around a pile of poop. A tentacle is reaching up from under the table to grab the pie.

PANEL 2: There’s a “Calvin and Hobbes” snowman in the background. The logo on his jacket says “pradagonia.” A bird in the tree is bundled up with a scarf and knit hat.

PANEL 3: Fozzie Bear peers out of a hollow in the tree. A groundhog emerges from a hole in the ground. The MAN’s boba tea appears to be filled with eyeballs. The man’s t-shirt says “REBEL ™”.

PANEL 4: Graffiti reads “Romanes Eunt Domus” and “We Leader.” There appears to be a shark swimming in the filthy water beside the sidewalk.

Can We Call It Fascism Yet? | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins

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Transcript of Cartoon

Panel 1

A fat woman is shopping in a clothing store, flipping through dresses on a rack and looking annoyed. A thin woman beside her, trying to be reassuring, touches her shoulder. A little lightning-bolt like zap emanates from the thin woman.

FAT WOMAN: Why don’t they make nice clothes for fat women?

THIN WOMAN: You’re not fat! You’re beautif—

THIN WOMAN: AAAAGH!

Panel 2

A city skyline. Lightning-bolt like “zaps” are emanating from two different places in the city.

VOICE 1: You’re not fat, you’re bea— Ow!

VOICE 2: You’re not fat, you’re— GHAAAAH!

Panel 3

A hand holds up a phone showing a nervous looking TV news anchor.

NEWS ANCHOR: Scientists are baffled by a sudden plague of minor but extremely painful shocks whenever anyone says… uh… never mind.

Panel 4

Two women sit at a cafe table. One looks at her phone, talking to the fat woman from panel 1, who smiles contentedly.

FRIEND: You had one magic wish you could have used on anything, and this was your choice?

FAT WOMAN: No regrets.

You’re Not Fat, You’re Beautiful | Barry Deutsch on Patreon