TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has three panels, arranged in a circle, with arrows pointing clockwise leading from one panel to the next. In the center of the circle is a large caption, saying “The Kitchen Table Cycle.”

UPPER LEFT PANEL

This panel shows a smartphone. On the smartphone screen, an angry man wearing a suit and tie is talking.

MAN: The only thing the Democratic candidate ever talks about is trans issues! Trans trans trans!

An arrow leads from this to the

LOWER RIGHT PANEL

Three Democrats sit in a treehouse; a sign on the treehouse says “Democrat Strategy Meeting (No progressives allowed). One of them is speaking.

SPEAKER: The pundits say we lost by talking too much about “identity politics.” Next time, our candidate has to be a centrist who only talks about kitchen table issues!

An arrow leads from this to the

LOWER LEFT PANEL

A politician stands behind a podium giving a speech.

CANDIDATE: As your Democratic candidate, let me just say: Kitchen table! Kitchen Table! Kitchen Table!

An arrow leads from this back to the upper left panel with the cellphone.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is old-fashioned cartoonist speak for little extras in the cartoon.

UPPER LEFT PANEL: The Fox News logo says “Cur Fews. Go to bed.” The chyron says “Democrats hate all puppies” and the second chyron says “New science proves: everything is still Biden’s fault.” Below the Fox News screen, there are six thumbnails leading to suggested videos. The thumbnail captions read: Owned! Crushed! Cooked! Demolished! Murderized! And then, in smaller letters, “I attempted to refute their position with persuasive arguments.”

LOWER RIGHT PANEL: The treehouse is modeled after the treehouse in my favorite comic strip of all time, “Calvin and Hobbes.” There’s a hole in the tree trunk; in the hole is a giant rat wearing a top hat and bow tie.

LOWER LEFT PANEL: The seal on the front of the podium has a picture of Sam the Eagle from the Muppets (it’s a little hard to make out because of the foreshortening, alas). The paper lying on the podium says “Tiny print no one reads.”

The Kitchen Table Cycle | Patreon

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.

I’m not like this character – serenely unaware of mean comments. But I aspire to be like him.

(Maybe I am like this character, but since I’m unaware of the comments I don’t appreciate how serenely unaware I really am? It’s a conundrum.)

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, all featuring a red-haired man wearing a red shirt walking on a downtown sidewalk. He’s carrying a bright yellow shoulder bag which has a pink and purple floral pattern.

PANEL 1

Two men are walking in opposite directions on a sidewalk. The first, wearing a blue jacket and dark gray pants, makes a mocking comment. The second character, who I’ll call Redhead, is pleased.

BLUE JACKET MAN: Nice purse.

REDHEAD: Thanks! It’s new!

PANEL 2

A closer shot of Redhead, looking very pleased indeed. In the background, a bluebird, a squirrel, and the sun (with a face and wearing sunglasses) all smile at Redhead.

PANEL 3

In a thought balloon, we see Redhead’s daydream. He’s skipping on a catwalk, carrying his new bag, sparkling pink flowers floating in his wake, as the sun and a couple of squirrels cheer him on. Blue Jacket Man, in the daydream, has a friendly grin and is taking photos of Redhead with a professional-looking camera.

PANEL 4

Redhead’s daydream bursts and he has a startled expression.

REDHEAD (thought): Wait. Was that supposed to be an insult?

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is obsolete cartoonist verbiage for fun but unnecessary details in the art.

PANEL 1: The first newspaper box has a newspaper which says “Background NEWS. Stick figure elected! “Best news ever,” say lazy cartoonists.” Smaller print says “Is this text too small to be read? Scientists say yes!”

The second newspaper box is mostly hidden behind Blue Jacket Man, but what we can read says “Don’t even try reading this text it’s too hidden.”

The third newspaper box has a paper called “Overly Local Bulletin.” Headlines say: “Yup, those odd noises you keep hearing are rats.” “Your son says he did homework – but he lies.” “Favorite shirt is too ratty to wear in public anymore.” and “Weather: You don’t go outside anyway.” The sign on front of the machine says “Exciting words! I’m talking about words like bang! Zoom! Zowie! Cheetah!”

PANEL 2: The newspaper in the box is mostly hidden behind Redhead, but it says “Obscured NEWS. That no one can read.”

PANEL 3: One of the squirrels is waving a pen at Redhead and holding out an autograph book. The other squirrel is taking a selfie with Redhead in the background.

PANEL 4: The paper in the newspaper box says “Don’t Even Bother DAILY.” Headlines: “Why even read this? The cartoon’s over. You can go about your life now.” “New study: If you never try, you can never lose.” The sign on the front of the box says “KANGAROOS are weird aliens who will totally drown you if they can and one’s sneaking up on you now.”

Nice Purse | Patreon

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels, each of which shows a different scene. The first five panels all feature cheerful robots in office environments.

PANEL 1

A shiny golden robot talks to the viewer.

GOLDIE: Good news! Here are just some of the ways AI saves you time and makes your job better!

PANEL 2

A robot – which seems to be a suit and tie with a smartphone sticking up out of the collar – talks to us. He’s carrying a huge stack of papers.

PHONE: Good news! Because your new AI agent is expected to save you so much time, the company is providing you with extra work!

PANEL 3

A tiny robot that looks like a ball with hands is bouncing on a desk.

BOUNCY: Good news! The AI agent makes lots of mistakes, so you get to do proofreading and debugging! Yay!

PANEL 4

A robot with a head shaped like a Telsa Cybertruck talks to us. A bunch of other robots are in the background.

TELSA: Good news! The company has determined you’ll get more work done with more AI agents doing more bad work for you to check and correct!

PANEL 5

A coffee machine with a screen with a happy face on it talks to us.

COFFEE: Good news! More of your colleagues are letting AI do their jobs, so now you get to fix that work, too!

PANEL 6

A human with a shellshocked look is walking on a sidewalk, carrying a cardboard box full of desk stuff in classic I’ve-just-been-fired iconography. A caption is shaped like a memo on paper.

CAPTION: Good news! We’ve determined that bad work done by A.I. is more cost-effective than better work done by humans.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is obsolete jargon for what we now call “Easter eggs.”

PANEL 1: A poster on the wall says LESSER EVIL INCORPORATED. “If it’s not lethal, it’s a lesser evil.” A rat sits reading a book, Charlotte’s Web.

PANEL 2: A gigantic ant is climbing a skyscraper in the background.

PANEL 3: A picture of an adorable toddler is inscribed “I heart you Mommy! Always remember if u quit ur job I’ll starve.” A “to do” list says: “-Work -Work -Work -Labor -Toil -Lunch -Drudge -Slog -die.” A coffee mug, decorated with Charlie Brown’s zig-zag shirt line, has a mouse wearing glasses peering out of it.

PANEL 4: One of the robots is a toaster. The robot puppy has left poo (a steaming pile of nuts and bolts) on the ground. The cybertruck robot’s head is on fire, and if you peer closely at the passenger window you can see a screaming person trapped inside.

PANEL 5: The coffee cup has a picture of Bender from Futurama on it. There’s an electric outlet with two “faces”; one of the faces is the standard, the other one is smiling and winking at us. A poster says “NOTICE: Cups must be cleaned after death.” A cannister is labeled “82% real Sugar,” with an adorable granny mascot saying “What you don’t now won’t kill you, probably.”

PANEL 6: The box of stuff from the fired employee’s desk includes a coffee mug; the mouse from panel 3 is still in the mug. A jar on the sidewalk says “Background Juice” on the label.

And there’s graffiti! “BG” (for background) is written in a few places. Someone has written a list of jobs: “Priest Poet Lawyer Marine Squire Grocer Vicar.” (Let me know in comments if you know where that list comes from.) A game of “hangman” is in progress: “A_S_ER.” (You see the answer, right?) More things written on the wall: “Filler.” “Who reads this?” “PP + Marcie 4EV.” “E=M.C. Hammer.” “Mary + Charlie + Frank.” Finally, a poster on the wall is partly blocked by the caption, but I can tell you it says “Secret Hidden Text! Because you can’t read this text: At last, I’m free to say it: Basketball is BORING! Bite me, b-ball fans!”

Good News About AI and Work! | Patreon

This strip is drawn by the awesome Mike Lawrence, who really went wild with the chicken fat!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows two women hanging out in a living room, on a sofa. The first wears a bright yellow t-shirt, so I’ll call her YELLOW; the second is in white t-shirt with blue jeans, so I’ll call her JEANS.

PANEL 1

Yellow is reading something on her phone, while Jeans turns and begins rooting through her backpack.

YELLOW: This article says that ICE agents are really unhappy… The job is stressful and they’re not getting the bonuses and bennies they were promised.

JEANS: Hold on.

PANEL 2

Jeans has pulled a huge electric microscope out of her backpack.

YELLOW: Er… What’s that?

JEANS: It’s my portable microscope. It has 300 times magnification but with digital zoom it’s more like 1000 times.

PANEL 3

Jeans enthusiastically describes her microscope.

JEANS: It has a built in stabilizer and eight levels of LCD lighting! With this, I can see even the smallest objects.

PANEL 4

Yellow is puzzled. A snarl on her face, Jeans turns to the microscope’s screen.

YELLOW: Okay, but why?

JEANS: I’m looking for a violin tiny enough.

CHICKEN FAT

“Chicken fat” is long-dead terminology for odd little details cartoonists slip in art.

PANEL 1: The lamp is a “leg lamp,” like in A Christmas Story, except that it’s a hairy leg in a sneaker and gym sock.

There’s a cat napping on the sofa. There’s a framed picture of Dr. Teeth (from The Muppets) on the wall. There’s a little doll with a green face hanging by the neck from the lamp pull. Jeans has a tattoo that says “tattoo.” The magazines on the coffee table are “US” and “THEM”; the person on the cover of “THEM” is pointing a finger at “US.” The side table drawer is open, and in the drawer a couple of mice are sitting on a tiny sofa and watching a TV with mice news hosts on it.

PANEL 2: The cat is reading a book entitled 43 Places To Hide a Hairball. The backpack’s brand name is “Manspürt.” Jeans has a tattoo that says “Advertise Here.”

PANEL 3: There’s a framed picture of “Bleeding Gums” Murphy (from The Simpsons) on the wall. The cat is playing with a paddle ball, but instead of a ball there’s a panicked mouse. A magazine on the coffee table is “THINGS,” with a coffee mug and a rubik’s cube on the cover. Jeans’ tattoo now says “Eat At Joe’s!” Jeans is wearing one of those t-shirts with a list of people in Helvetica font, which says “Hel & Vet & Ica.”

PANEL 4: The cat is looking over their shoulders at the screen. The apple logo on the back of the microscope has now turned into an apple core logo.

TATTOO PROGRESSIONS: The leg lamp has a tattoo that says “Debbie.” In panel two, “Debbie” is crossed out, with “Donna” written beneath it. In panel three, “Donna” has also been crossed out, replaced with “Donny.”

Jeans has a tattoo of a baseball bat in panel one, which is a bat (the mammal) in panel two, and Batman in panel three.

The Search | Patreon

This cartoon is by me and Nadine Scholtes.

In a way, it’s also by Samantha Fulnecky, because a lot of the dialog was swiped verbatim from a paper she wrote. But I don’t think she’d appreciate a co-writing credit.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

A pretty young woman carrying a textbook talks cheerfully.

STUDENT: God made male and female and made us different from each other for a purpose! Trying to change that would only do harm.

PANEL 2

As she speaks, a big thought balloon appears. In the thought balloon, we see Adam and Eve, Adam holding a hammer, Eve holding a broom and a baby. God appears from a cloud, offering Adam a six-pack.

STUDENT: Gender roles aren’t “stereotypes”! Women naturally want to do womanly things because God created us with those womanly desires in our hearts. The same goes for men.

PANEL 3

The snake offers Adam a pretty pink dress; Adam is delighted, hearts in his eyes, dropping his hammer to reach for the dress. In the background, Eve watches, holding her baby and crying.

PANEL 4

In the original scene, a second student has appeared, and is giving the first student a skeptical look.

SECOND STUDENT: Huh. So you’re saying it’s the left that’s got a “radical gender ideology”?

FIRST STUDENT: Exactly! Thank Jesus my beliefs are just common sense.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is obscure cartoonist terminology for silly things we put in the background.

PANEL 1 – There are three flyers on the bulletin board. The first one is incomprehensible because the character’s head is in the way, but it says: “HEY! Please move your head it’s in the way and now they can’t read what I’m saying it’s really unfair.” The second says “LOST” with a picture of a woman holding a cat. Smaller print says “My human. Very tame. Answers to “meow.” If found, please return, I’m hungry.” The third flyer says “Study group seeks lonely smart person. Come do our work for us! Please bring snacks.”

PANEL 2 – God has a “Mom” heart tattoo. There’s a very “My Little Pony” looking Pegasus in the background.

PANEL 3 – Two birds are playing soccer in the background. The snake is wearing a beret. A book on a stump is entitled “Sick Trans Stuff.”

PANEL 4- The second student has a tattoo of the Triforce symbol from the “Legend of Zelda” videogame. There are again three flyers hanging in the background. First flyer: “TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Everybody else really is happier and more together than you are.” Second: “STUDENT HOUSING.” There’s a picture of a shoebox, and then “You’ll be amazed at how little space you actually need.” Third: “COLLEGE: You’ll never make friends so easily again! It’s kinda sad when you think about it.”

Radical Gender Ideology | Patreon

I don’t have a cartoon syndicate and I’m not in newspapers. But I get to do this for a living because lots of readers support my Patreon with mostly small pledges! I also have prints and books for sale.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four regular panels, plus a tiny “kicker” panel under the bottom.

PANEL 1

A large caption says “PRE-ELECTION.”

Two people, a casually dressed woman and a more business-dressed man, are talking in an office. The man makes a dismissive gesture.

WOMAN: Progressives have some ideas for this election…

MAN: Here’s my idea. Step one: donate to our campaign. Step two: you get lost.

PANEL 2

The man pushes the woman out of the office.

WOMAN: Hey!

MAN: No insult, but you woke special interest social justice freaks repel normie voters. Leave us in charge of this election so we can win!

PANEL 3

The man sits behind his desk, looking very pleased.

MAN: Good riddance! Now we can run a winning campaign – a centrist campaign with a centrist candidate and centrist strategies!

PANEL 4

A large caption says “POST-ELECTION”.

The same man and woman are in a hallway. She glares at him, while he yells at her, jumping with fury.

MAN: WE LOST AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!

KICKER PANEL

The man smiles as he talks to Barry the cartoonist.

MAN: Centrist Democrats can’t fail! We can only be failed.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is archaic cartoonist-speak for fun little details that don’t matter.

PANEL 1: On the shelves in the background: A book called “Really Big Book.” A framed picture of Tintin. There’s a framed picture of Amy from “Futurama” on the wall. The woman’s shirt says “Woop Woop.”

Her arms are covered with, well, random doodles, including a Rubik’s cube flying on angel wings, a cloud that says “meh,” a sake, and a explosion with a “BOOM” sound effect.

PANEL 2: The snake tattoo has moved to her other arm, which also features a hand hatching from an egg and a paper saying “8675309.” Her shirt now ways “Hi Mom!” There’s a framed picture of Groucho Marx on the wall.

PANEL 3: There are framed photos on the wall of Kermit the Frong, Marcie, Peppermint Patty, the Mayor from “Nightmare Before Christmas,” and Mayor Quimby from The Simpsons.

On the shelves are: A globe with a goldfish-shaped continent; a stack of three books: Really Big Book, RBB Strikes Back, and Return of the RBB. The photo of Tintin has been replaced with Tintin’s dead, decapitated head. A photo of a seagull with a fish in its beak. A mouse with a bow and arrow, taking aim at an apple on the head of another mouse. A mouse painting a picture of cheese. A napping cat.

On the desk: The book says “Scary” on the spine and “Boo” on the front cover. The icon on the back of the laptop is a cracking egg.

Finally, a mouse or rat is clinging to the arm of the chair in the foreground.

PANEL 4: The snake tattoo is back! Now looking at a tattoo of a mug of steaming liquid. There are framed pictures of Popeye and Olive Oil.

Taking Responsibility | Patreon

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. All of them show two men in suit and tie, talking at an outdoor cafe. One man is a redhead with a mustache; the other is a clean-shaven blonde.

PANEL 1

REDHEAD: And the conditions in the concentration camps we’ve built are appalling! I’m ashamed for my country!

BLONDE: Whoa! “Concentration camps”? Really?

PANEL 2

A shot of the blonde man, lecturing.

BLONDE: The camps can be criticized but calling them “concentration camps” is inflammatory. It’s something people say for the shock value.

PANEL 3

The blonde man looks angry.

BLONDE: Frankly, calling them “concentration camps” demeans the memory of the victims of the real historic concentration camps!

PANEL 4

The “camera” pulls back, and we see that this is a scene from 1930s Germany. (Storefront signs are in German, there’s a horse and carriage going past, women in 1930s fashions and hats.) The blonde man has angrily stood up, and we can see he wears a swastika on his sleeve (as does another man in the foreground).

BLONDE: And finally – never say you’re ashamed to be German. It’s like our new chancellor Hitler says – we’re making Germany great again!

(No chicken fat in this one!)

Don’t Call Them Concentration Camps | Patreon

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus a “kicker” panel at the bottom.

PANEL 1

Little Barry is reading in bed when he’s startled by Big Barry coming in through a glowing time portal in the air. Rags, a dog, looks around.

BIG BARRY: Hi, Barry of 1983! I’m you from decades in the future! Ask me anything!

LITTLE BARRY: ACK!

PANEL 2

Little Barry thinks about what to ask. Big Barry smiles but looks very nervous. Rags sniffs Big Barry, tail wagging.

LITTLE BARRY: Okay, um… So is Reagan still the worst President ever?

BIG BARRY: Hah haha ha ha ha! Hoo boy, you think Reagan’s bad! HA! Ha ha aaah oh God.

PANEL 3

Big Barry, weeping, rushes out through the portal.

BIG BARRY: SOB! I’m sorry, I can’t – I – it’s – I gotta go!

PANEL 4

The time portal flicks out, and Big Barry is gone. Little Barry addresses the dog.

LITTLE BARRY: Well, that bodes ill.

KICKER PANEL

Big Barry is petting Rags; Rags is happy for the attention.

BIG BARRY: I didn’t really come back to see my younger self. I came back to see Rags. Who’s a good boy?

RAGS (thought): Is it me? It’s ME!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Chicken fat is archaic cartoonistese for fun little details in the art.

Panel 1: A poster for the “Annie” musical above Barry’s bed says: “Annie. A New Musical and Barry’s First Celebrity Crush. Remember when tickets were affordable… Must be nice.”

Panel 2: The poster has changed to a crudely drawn caricature of Ronald Reagan, with the caption “Let’s Retire Ron.”

Panel 3: The poster has changed to a shirtless, ridiculously muscled man flexing, little mini-muscle bumps sticking up from his huge biceps. The caption says “MUSCLES MAN… His Muscles Have Muscles!” He has a word balloon, which says “Please get me to a doctor.”

Panel 4: The poster has changed to a photo of Reggie Jackson swinging a baseball bat. The caption says: REGGIE… because being good at hitting a ball with a stick makes you a HERO.”

Time Travel 2: Ask Me Anything | Patreon

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus a tiny “kicker” panel.

PANEL 1

Two workers in reflective vests and hard hats are on a factory floor when a man wearing a blazer over a t-shirt walks in, arms spread wide.

BLAZER: Greetings, workers! I just bought this weezotski factory.

WORKER: Oh, uh… Welcome! So you must have lots of experience with weezotskis?

PANEL 2

Grinning, Blazer keeps talking, looking very smug.

BLAZER: None! But success in an unrelated industry has made me freakishly wealthy! And that makes me a business genius who can run anything!

PANEL 3

Blazer puts his arm around the worker and makes a grand “envision the future!” gesture.

BLAZER: I’m gonna disrupt this company so hard! It’ll be amazing! You’ll see! (Not you personally. I’m firing you.)

PANEL 4

CAPTION: SIX MONTHS LATER

Blazer, still grinning, flees from a burning factory building.

BLAZER: Another business brilliantly saved!

KICKER PANEL

Blazer, looking smug, is talking to Barry the cartoonist.

BLAZER: Maybe I should run the government!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is long-obscure cartoonist talk for fun but unimportant details in the art.

Panel 1: A limp hand is sticking out a hole in the huge factory machine. A panel of the floor is missing, and a corpse in a funeral suit lies within. The box the worker is carrying is labeled “Caution: Irrelevant Prop.”

Panel 2: In the background, in supervisors windows, are Homer Simpson and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.

Panel 3: An opening in the side of a big factory machine contains Brain, of “Pinky and the Brain.” A vent hose has a distressed face on it. In a window in a machine in the background, a grinning stoned person hands upside-down.

A sign says “URGENT: Always complete your shift and clean your area before fighting demonic forces.” Another says “WARNING: Studies show that most people’s largest deathbed regret is time not spent working.” A sign on a large red button says “NO. Do not press button. Nope.”

Panel 4: The dark cloud in the sky, if you rotate it 90 degrees to the right, is an enormous face in profile.

The tattoo storyline: In panel one, the worker has a tattoo of a snake on his right arm, and a tattoo of an apple on his left arm. In panel two, the snake tattoo has crossed to his left arm and is examining the apple. In panel 3, the apple has been eaten, and the snake – no longer merely a tattoo – is crawling out of a hole in a big factory machine.

The Business Genius | Patreon