El Lefty Malo

I've Got My Stove to Keep Me Warm

2009-11-05T18:34:20Z

The snow is snowin', trade winds are blowin'....

It's finally time. Hot Stove Time. Thank you, Chase Utley and Cliff Lee, for making the World Series remotely interesting. Otherwise, yawn. In the post-game celebrations, Mark Teixeira thanked God for steering him toward New York. I know Scott Boras is all powerful, but come on, Mark, isn't that a bit strong?

Speaking of His Divine Boras, it'll be shocking if Matt Holliday doesn't get far north of $100 M, and I won't be surprised if the Yankees are the top bidders. Remember all those empty luxury box seats this spring at the new Stadium? Well, just like the Yankees, Wall Street is back, baby, while Main Street and the Royals and Pirates are still stuck in subprime foreclosure hell. (Though new Pittsburgh acquisition Aki Iwamura is thinking playoffs next year. Link tip from MLB Trade Rumors.)

And with their 27th World Series banner flying over their new sparkly house, I don't imagine those seats will be hard to fill next year. Translation: More boatloads of cash for the Yanks to spend. If their key players stay healthy, there's no reason they can't win a few more Series in the next five years. Like I said: Yawn.

Meanwhile the Giants need to figure out how to squeeze out more runs without losing the mojo of their pitching staff. Everyone assumes a trade of Jonathan Sanchez is inevitable, but we thought that last winter, too, and despite the flotation of names like Jorge Cantu, Hank Blalock and Edwin Encarnacion, Brian Sabean proved remarkably disciplined (or scared). One could argue he lost that discipline with the Garko and F. Sanchez trades this summer and got burned, which means he might fall back upon his free-agent-signin' ways this winter.

And his track record on that front is not good. Or is it? It's easy to highlight the big-ticket disappointments (Zito, Rowand, Renteria), but Sabean has also gotten good value from mid-level or scrap-heap signings like Winn, Vizquel, Molina, Uribe, and Medders. Do they balance out the busts? Using Fangraphs' dollar-value measurement it seems SF paid about $71 million to free agents in 2009 (players they signed in this or previous years) and got performances worth $59 million. You can go back and calculate other recent years, but I suspect they won't be much better.

Before we pass ultimate judgment on Sabes's free-agent work, however, we have to compare him to his peers. What's the league average for dollar-in/dollar-out value? Do most GMs break even? Or do spectacular free-agent failures (Gary Matthews Jr., Juan Pierre, Carl Pavano, Julio Lugo, to name a few) skew the numbers badly for most teams? The crack research department of tiny people living in my desk are on assignment, so if you want to jump on this puzzle, go for it.

His Mother Calls Him Hensley

2009-11-02T18:55:32Z

"Bam-Bam" Meulens is officially the new hitting coach. What looks like a Giants press release is being relayed by Comcast Sports Net, and it cites Meulens' work with John Bowker (.342 batting average in the PCL last year) and Jesus Guzman (.321) as key points on his curriculum vitae.

As of this writing (2pm PT), there's no sign of the news on the Giants' Web site, so there's a wee chance Comcast is doing something weird or perhaps posting a fake release someone slipped them. They leave me with a sliver of doubt because they originally spelled Meulens name "Neulins." It has since been corrected to "Meulins," which is still wrong. Hey, Comcast Web-posting intern: You're fired!

The other indication that something could be amiss: The announcement uses batting average as the main indicator of a hitter's Triple-A success, and as we all know, the Giants would never use such an unsophisticated tool for evaluating player performance. Oh gosh no. Never.

First question at his press conference: "Carney Lansford and most other sentient beings on the planet felt the Giants' hitting coach is doomed to fail because of the lack of organizational focus on plate discipline. How will you fix this?"

Second question: "How would you evaluate Eugenio Velez's performance after he returned to the big leagues this year? Is he ready to be a major-league leadoff hitter?"

Feel free to leave Mr. Henslow Neuwirth more questions. I will make sure they are placed in front of him on neatly-printed 3-by-5 cards.

I Like Johnny Damon

2009-11-02T04:36:52Z

He doesn't have his mountain beard anymore, but Johnny Damon's double steal in Sunday night's top of the ninth was not only the coolest heads-up play I've ever seen, it was probably the reason Brad Lidge fell apart and allowed the deciding three runs.

For those who missed it, it was two down in the ninth, the Phils had tied the game in the eighth on Pedro Feliz's two out home run off Joba Chamberlain, and Lidge had easily dispatched Matsui and Jeter. Up came Damon. He battled for nine pitches until finally lining a single to left. He soon took off for second, and with a shift on for Teixeira, Damon slid in safely, popped up to see no one covering third, and took off again. Because of the shift, 3B Feliz took the throw from the catcher and found himself on the first-base side of second base, unable to chase down Damon. Damon stole two bases on one play.

It was a lightning-quick realization and decision on Damon's part. On the TV side, Tim McCarver pointed out (yes, I'm actually giving McCarver props) that Damon reaching third, even with two outs, changed the game because Lidge might be more reluctant to throw his diving slider. Indeed -- he plunked Teixeira with a fastball, threw a fastball for called strike one to A-Rod, then grooved a second fastball, which A-Rod lined into the corner. Posada's killing blow, a single to left-center, also came on a fastball.

The biggest question for the rest of the Series, other than can the Phils make a remarkable comeback, is this: If Philly has a small lead in the ninth inning in any of the next three games, will Charlie Manuel hand the ball to Brad Lidge? Discuss.

Two More Years! Two More Years!

2009-11-01T07:10:41Z

I've been off the grid for 24 hours, part of which was spent here stuffing my face here, but plugging back in I've found two items of good news. First, Gavin Newsom has dropped out of the governor's race. I thought for a while early in his first term he would be a standard-bearer of sensible politics (yes, gay marriage is sensible), but between his inability to stand up to the kooks on the S.F. Board of Supervisors and his inability to keep his willie in his pants, he disappointed me tremendously. May he be merely a blip in our city and state political history.
I'm also slightly kinda heartened that the Giants signed Freddy Sanchez to a two-year, $12 million contract extension. There is a chance Sanchez's injuries at the end of 2009 are a grim harbinger of decline. It's a real possibility, which is why I hedge my enthusiasm. Well, that and the fact that Sanchez even at his best is not really that great.

But there is also a chance he could be a better-than-average second baseman with the glove and the bat for the next two years, and no matter how conflicted we are about trading Tim Alderson, Sanchez's work will be worth far more than what the Giants are paying, which is a very good thing. There's a good chance. For most of his career, he's been worth at least $10 million a year. Let's assume that the Giants' medical staff can get him fixed up right this off-season to get back to his usual decent-little-ballplayer kind of self. Then again, the medical staff probably greenlighted his acquisition in the first place, a move that made me, among others, say hmmmm, so I'm not quite as inclined to assume wondeful things about the Giants' docs these days.

What it certainly means is the Giants aren't going after Dan Uggla on the trade market, one name that's been bandied about as a possible power source. So as we've expected, the boppage will come at an outfield or infield corner. It also means that Kevin Frandsen isn't getting his big break next spring, but you didn't have to be Nostradamus to figure that one out. At this point, many planets and stars will have to align for Frandsen to get a full season of major-league at bats. The Giants seem dead-set on Frandsen as middle-infield utility, at best, and my guess is most other teams see him the same way, otherwise someone would have pried him loose from the Giants' death grip this year.

So let me qualify the Sanchez extension even more: It's a good move if the Giants find another big bat or two to boost this lineup. Sure, he's an upgrade over Emmanuel Burriss, in the same way that Edgar Renteria theoretically was an upgrade over 2008 Omar Vizquel, but unless he has another career year, he's a supporting character.

More 40-man roster movement: The Giants declined Noah Lowry's option and made him a free agent. They also outrighted Justin Miller and minor-leaguer Kelvin Pichardo to triple-A, removing them from the 40-man. I've updated the list to the right, removing all upcoming free agents, and I've included next year's estimated salaries for those on guaranteed contracts.

Yesterday, New York Laughed. Tonight, Not So Much.

2009-10-29T01:31:44Z

E.L.M. http://www.leftymalo.com

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My October Rotation

2009-10-26T03:28:21Z

I'm home for October, watching playoff baseball from afar. I'm already starting to rethink my rotation as we head into the Hot Stove season. In this month's installment, I'm getting ready to say goodbye to former heroes who've tried to hang on too long, I'm looking at familiar veterans with the need to prove themselves again, and I'm puzzling over heralded but inconsistent young talent.

The Rolling Stones, Live in Brussels 1973: I'll start by saying that for most of my adolescence, the Stones were my favorite band. When my friends and I gathered to debate who was the greatest of the British Invasion, I always took the Stones. I can still listen to Beggars Banquet, Let it Bleed, Sticky Fingers, and Exile on Main Street over and over again, and that's hard to say about albums you've been listening to for nearly 30 years. But venture beyond those albums, and to my adult ears, the Stones have long since begun to crumble. Whatever tiny vestige of myth I retained about these guys being at any time the Greatest Rock N Roll Band in the World (as they like to bill themselves) was destroyed by listening to this now-legendary concert. The guitars are slashing and riff-perfect, there are great supporting cast members filling out the sound, but Charlie Watts is often too fast, pushing songs like "Gimme Shelter" at a tempo that sours the mood. And Mick...oh Mick. He sounds terrible. Awful. At times unlistenable. He barks out phrases like a dog running in his yard from fence to fence. He was never a great singer, but on the best studio tracks he put a lot of thought and muscle into his craft -- the sneer of "Street Fightin' Man," the winking loucheness of "Live With Me," the spirit-moves-you of "Shine a Light." He knew what the song needed. In this concert, at the peak of the band's powers, he sounds no better than he does today. And that's not good at all.

Ron Carter and Richard Galliano, Panamanhattan: If you can get your ears around an entire album of jazz tango with just acoustic bass and French accordion, I guarantee this is the best album you've never heard. I probably found it in some bargain bin, drawn by Ron Carter's name. It was recorded live twenty years in a FNAC, a French media and electronics store with loads more class than, say, Best Buy (obviously, as they held a concert in one) and, for some reason, a travel agency. The melancholy songs have a startling crispness -- you can hear Galliano's fingers click the accordion keys and Carter's hand slide up and down the neck of his bass. The audience members are few enough to become recognizable by their claps and whoops of appreciation between songs. The only live recordings I've ever heard to match Panamanhattan's intimacy are the earliest cuts from the sprawling Bruce Springsteen live box set, in which it sounds like he's playing in a tiny roadside bar.

Andrew Bird, Armchair Apocrypha: He's clever, he's mellow, he's wonderfully inventive. He sings about complex science, which warms my nerdy heart. But what's with the whistling? I could deal with one or two tracks, but Bird is determined to make his jaunty, out-for-a-stroll whistling a key component of nearly every song. Some folks love it, I guess, but for me it'll take some getting used to.

Kristin Hersh, Speedbath: Hersh has become a female Neil Young, constantly recording, constantly shifting her sound and her instrumentation. She's not as experimental as Young, who has veered from country to folk to swing to metal, inhabiting other genres like costumes. Hersh is a more subtle, occupying a mellow-alt-guitar-rock middle ground only to dash out for a quick foray into, say, the crunch of her punkish trio 50 Foot Wave, or an all-acoustic collection of traditional Appalachian murder ballads. (The former I love, the latter not so much.) But I'm old and grouchy enough to realize that I'm not going to love or even like a good deal of the output from my favorite artists. It's more about the effort, the progress, the ideas.

And so to Speedbath: a full-length, online-only album of some of Hersh's freshest material in years. You can listen all you want for free, or you can contribute a few bucks via PayPal as you listen. I love the gesture, first of all, but I love the songs even more. Her songs can sometimes feel stiff, as if she crafted different tempos and textures and fused them with a lack of...suppleness, perhaps. The songs on Speedbath shift gears and bring in odd (for her) choices of instrumentation, but the overall arc is always propulsive and fluid, not stiff at all. If you don't like or care about Hersh, you probably haven't read this far, but if you do, or at least you're curious about her work, I highly recommend Speedbath. And give her some money, too.

1950

2009-10-21T15:47:18Z

Three games to one. Three games to one. A Phillies-Yankees World Series is nearly a lock, which no doubt has Fox executives wetting their pants in anticipation. The only other time the two teams met in the Series was 1950. The Yanks swept in four low-scoring games, with only two home runs between the two teams (Berra, DiMaggio). This is fun. Watch 'til the end for the weird batting practice drill.

* Go check out AZ Giants, replete with game summaries, videos and superb photos of Giant youth playing in the desert. First day up, the blog featured video of top draft pick Zack Wheeler on the mound.

* One question to ponder as you see all the trade and free-agent suggestions thrown around this winter -- the Giants should sign this guy or trade for that guy -- is not just whom to get, but how many runs do the Giants really need to score next year? More on this later.

Go Phillies!

Carney Goes Down Swinging

2009-10-17T19:31:57Z

I missed this in yesterday's Chron: Carney Lansford wishes his successor good luck, because he's going to need it. Baggs talked to Lansford, too, and got quotes like this:

"A major league player should not be as poor at [situational hitting] as we were in my two years. Do I take it personally? Of course I do. I know it cost us games. I'm a human being. I'm not a machine. But I'll sleep good at night knowing I took my best shot."

I recommend reading both articles. It was kind of weird that Lansford took time to talk to both reporters on the day of his father-in-law's funeral. He must have really needed to get all that off his chest. Or he must have really needed to defend himself publicly as he starts to search for a new job, which he said he doesn't need. Or both.

When the Giants trot out their next hitting coach, expect to hear all sorts of talk about the new guy's track record in doing this or that (especially if it's Hensley Meulens and his work with Eugenio Velez, which we've already started to see floated in the press -- and which is basically a bunch of hand-waving, as I noted two days ago). Whatever the Giants say, remember Lansford's words: "I wish I had more offense to work with, but I had what I had. I don't know what I would've done differently."

Happy Trails

2009-10-16T03:55:45Z

If this is true, I can only say -- come on, sing it with me -- vaya con Dios, my darling. One last time: BRIAN FUCKING SABEAN IS THE REASON SMALL CHILDREN IN AFRICA DIE OF DYSENTERY!!!!!!! We'll miss you, John.

Vote For Bam-Bam?

2009-10-15T06:29:41Z

Giants hitting coach Carney Lansford was fired today. Bruce Bochy insisted Lansford wasn't the scapegoat for this year's poor hitting, but baaaaaaaaa, I say. There's talk of triple-A hitting coach Hensley "Bam-Bam" Meulens getting the nod. One reason, according to Baggs: "Meulens also is credited with turning Eugenio Velez from complete washout into a major league player again."

I have to stop here. The myth of Eugenio has spread to otherwise reliable citizens. Sure, Baggs didn't lard his description of Velez with adjectives such as "consistent," "solid," or even "decent." But the underlying premise is one of Eugenio Transformed, and it includes Brian Sabean's multiple mentions of him as a top candidate for leadoff duties next year, along with Andres Torres. The premise needs some revisionism. I'm happy to provide it.

In 2008, Velez was very bad at the plate and in the field. In the two months before his demotion in late May 2009, Velez was again terrible, 7-for-38 with no walks and one extra-base hit. He spent time in the Fresno Bat Cave with Bam Bam, then returned July 27. For the next five days, he had a lovely little welcome-back party: .500 / .571 / .778 in 21 PAs. After that, as his alleged renaissance continued, his monthly triple-slash lines went like this:

Aug.: .273 / .307 / .405 (~127 PAs)
Sept.: .239 / .294 / .413 (~100 PAs)
Oct.: .278 / .278 / .278 (~18 PAs)

That's decent pop from the leadoff spot, but nothing earth-shattering. And the OBP of about .300 makes Velez practically worthless as a leadoff hitter. He also stole 10 of 15 bases, which doesn't cross the threshold you want from a guy with blazing speed. With his deficient on-base skills, he needs to avoid baserunning outs at any cost in the relatively rare instances that he actually reaches base.

Can Eugenio Velez improve and become a leadoff threat? It's within the realm of the possible. Did Bam-Bam Meulens work magic in the two months Velez was banished to Fresno this year? I don't see it.

My Favorite Quote From The Bochy/Sabean Re-Signing

2009-10-14T07:20:18Z

By now you've all heard the Giants have re-signed Bruce Bochy and Brian Sabean to two-year contracts with a club option for 2012. By now you've all heard the screams of the Lunatic Fringe throwing themselves under the nearest T-Third St. Muni light rail car. Grant is convinced the old leopards will never be able to change their spots, and I'm not too far behind him.

For anyone hoping that the woeful excuse for an offense this year finally punch-and-judied some sense into the GM (and the M, for that matter), here's a quote for you:

At a time when younger, number-crunching GMs are in vogue, Neukom is placing his faith in a 53-year-old executive who has begun to embrace sabermetrics but still has a stronger scouting background. Indeed, when asked about the need for hitters with better on-base percentages, Sabean said almost dismissively, "I think we learned this year, as attested by winning 88 games, the most important thing is the final score, winning the game."

First of all, I'm not sure what "almost dismissively" means, but it seems as if Sabean reflexively gets defensive and jittery when "on-base percentage" comes up. Second of all, did he really learn this year that the most important thing is winning? What kinds of things was he learning from 2005 to 2008?

All Quiet on the Giants Front

2009-10-10T02:16:40Z

Wow, great playoff action! A-Rod punks Joe Nathan, the Angels pitchers shut down the Red Sox, the Rockies make the Phils nervous heading into a frigid Coors Field weekend, and Matt Holliday...thanks a lot, pal. If this comes down to Dodgers-Rockies for the N.L. pennant, IT'S...ALL...YOUR...FAULT.

Wait a second. Weren't we supposed to know for sure by now about the return of Brian Sabean and Bruce Bochy? It's been four days since their post-season press conference, and still no word on their status. Is anyone else getting a little suspicious? If they don't end up getting re-upped, it'll look bad for our local ink-stained heroes, Baggs and Hank, who both reported from anonymous sources that Boch and Sabes would be back. It also makes you wonder -- who were those anonymous sources? Was it a leak from the Neukom camp? Why would Neukom or someone close to him whisper that info? What kind of negotiating leverage would it give the Giant ownership?

If the leak were from the Bochy/Sabean side, what would be their advantage? Perhaps to put the pressure on Neukom. Either way, these are the questions journalists need to ask when someone whispers in their ears. Why are you telling me this, and how bad will I look if I publish it and it doesn't come true?

That said, my bet is it's all moot in a few days.

I have a few other thoughts on the post-season press conference. Sabean went out of his way to tout a possible leadoff platoon of Eugenio Velez and Andres Torres. Torres against lefties? Sure. The guy earned a spot as a backup outfielder with his work this year, worth $8.6 million even in abbreviated stints. Love his D, love his baserunning, love his ability to hit the ball hard and run like hell. Even though he's just had his career year and won't likely approach a .270/.343/.533 line ever again, pencil him in for a roster spot.

Velez? His UZR in LF was surprisingly high this year, but the small sample size makes me leery. (His defensive numbers at 2B were not surprising. And terrible.) Problem is, he wasn't that good at the plate against anyone this year. He had a hot few games upon recall in July, and that's about it. There is nothing in his game to justify making him the leadoff man in two-thirds of the team's starts. Can he improve? Will Congress see the light and work on a bipartisan basis to make America a better country? Both scenarios are theoretically possible.

The other player who got a lot of air time in the press conference was Freddie Sanchez. Based on Sabean's comments, it will be shocking if Sanchez isn't starting at 2B on Opening Day 2010. Based on his injury history, it will be shocking if he plays more than 120 games in 2010. The Giants probably know this, too, which means Velez has an even wider opening on next year's roster. All of which means that until the front office makes a blockbuster trade or overspends for a big free agent, the 2010 team will rely on improvement from Travis Ishikawa and Nate Schierholtz, a Joe Mauer-like arrival from Buster Posey, a rebound from Aaron Rowand, a miraculously healthy Edgar Renteria, a lot more of the same from Pablo Sandoval, and most importantly, another injury-free campaign from its awesome young pitchers. Now that is optimism.

The Transcript

2009-10-06T03:48:02Z

Still no word on Bochy and Sabean's status, but the two of them held a post-mortem press conference earlier today. Nearly the entire transcript is here, courtesy of Baggs. Thanks, Baggs, for another fantastic year of work. Thanks, too, to Henry Schulman for his great work, and especially for letting me call him Hank. I've never met the guy, but I have a feeling he's got a great sense of humor. And he probably drank a Hank or two back in the day, for those you who remember the classic commercials. (Sorry, I couldn't find them on YouTube.)

Not much to say tonight except read the transcript and let us know what you think. And remember, whatever Bochy and Sabean say in public no matter how certain they sound, it could be a completely different story a week from now.

Eighty-Eight and Seventy-Four

2009-10-05T05:59:16Z

That's the Giants' final record thanks to Pablo Sandoval's moonshot over San Diego, and it's a hell of a lot better than 76-86, which was Baseball Prospectus's smarty-pants projection on Opening Day. Based on the big fancy PECOTA computer housed in Nate Silver's parents' basement BP figured the Giants would score 683 runs and give up 717.

Instead, the team scored 657 and allowed 611. Think about that a moment. The Giants' offense was even worse than predicted (and all kidding aside, PECOTA is a very good system), and their pitchers were 100 runs better than predicted. Pitchers and defenders, actually. The Giants were the best team in the majors converting balls in play into outs, what BP calls Defensive Efficiency. (While we were pulling our hair out, Randy Winn was turning hits into outs.)

The pitchers also had the most strikeouts in the majors, 1,294. That's a bit misleading because they faced opposing pitchers at least a couple times a night instead of, say, Hideki Matsui or Vlad Guerrero or David Ortiz. (If you want to know, the Giants, Cubs and Dodgers were tops, then the Yankees were fourth, leading the AL with 1,252 strikeouts.)

But strikeouts are strikeouts. They are not balls put into the play. So the Giants were extremely good at keeping balls out of play, and extremely good at turning balls in play into outs. That, señoras y señores, is how you only allow 3.77 runs per game.

Can they maintain such stellar pitching and D next year? It'll be very interesting to see which players get the nod because of their gloves. Travis Ishikawa comes to mind first. If he had enough playing time to qualify, he would be the top defensive 1B in the majors by a very wide margin, according to Fangraphs UZR/150. If he can bump his offense up a bit from .265 / .332 / .391 to, say, .280 / .350 / .450 he could be quite valuable. (As it was, Fangraphs said he gave the Giants nearly $4 m worth of performance this year.)

The Giants' biggest concern this off-season, other than finding a couple guys who hit the crap out of the ball, is regression to the mean. Teams that make 16-win leaps in a year often backslide a bit the next. Awesome bullpens have a way of clanking and clunking the next year. This is not my prediction, necessarily. I don't have a creepy talking mainframe in my parents' basement, I'll have you know.

I'm just saying a lot of attention must be paid to avoid the backslide. That's why the Giants want Pablo Sandoval to strap on the leggings and do a little more Jazzercise this winter. That's why Barry Zito's bromance with Brian Wilson is not over. (Thanks, Baggs, for getting Zito to admit to the bromance in the first place.) That's why Edgar Renteria will start at shortstop next year. I can just imagine Bochy saying, hey, he's got nowhere to go but up, right? Regression to the mean works both ways!

Bruce, Brian, Welcome to My Underground Lair

2009-10-03T06:28:04Z

Please, gentlemen. Come in. Welcome back. No, no, all that is in the past. I mean it when I say welcome back. Whatever disagreements we have had are forgotten, and by disagreements I mean blog posts that I have written and you were never aware of. But now that my staff has come to fetch you -- you can take the blindfolds off them now, Chone -- you are full of awareness, no? A simple, clear awareness, like a revelation that comes to you upon waking in the middle of the night. Ah! You are saying. If not now, you will be soon. Everyone will be. Everyone, all over the world will finally understand! And those who don't...

Where was I? Ah yes. We are once again a family; you, Brian, in your heated skybox, Bruce, you standing with calm attention at the dugout rail with a healthy, anti-oxidant rich post-game spread awaiting you, and me, the black sheep of the family, I guess you could say, ha ha, out beyond the left field fence freezing my fucking balls off and hundreds of dollars the poorer every year. But what is family if not a sacrifice? Hm?

Please. Come sit. Sit. There, and there. I insist. Comfortable? If you reach to the side, there's a lever that eases you back into a reclining position and produces a footrest. Quite the innovation. I believe it is called a La-Z-Boy. Wonderful! Drinks? My assistant will refresh us. For you, Brian? A Hefeweizen? With what? Please, speak up. A lemon wedge? Why not a pink umbrella while you're at it? I kid. Of course, Hefeweizen coming up. And you, Bruce? Tap water? Bien sur. We are in an underground lair, and the water comes directly from a subterranean river, triple purified through miles of granite. I call it Eau de Malo. You shall find it to your liking.

Here you are, gentlemen. Thank you, Nomar. Leave us, you may retire now. Please, sip, enjoy, lean back. Sip again. Remember to focus on the sound of my voice...the sound...of...my....sound....my....my voice. Voice. Vuz. Voos.

Straps, Brian? What straps? Oh, those things? Just a little device I've installed in my La-Z-Boys to keep my guests from, shall we say, falling off. Insurance premiums these days, don't get me started. Of course you can't move, Bruce. You're relaxed. You're very, very, very...

Relaxed.

Yes? Good. Do you hear these chimes, gentlemen? Bing-bong-bing. These three notes are my signal to you to continue what you are doing. Brian, if you are discussing a contract with a 32-year-old free agent, and his agent demands five years and a no-trade clause, all you have to do is say, "This conversation is over," and bing-bong-bing. Isn't that a lovely sound?

What's that, Brian? What if he's an All-Star, a Gold Glover, and a former .300 hitter? Oh, Brian. Don't say that. Please don't make me press the bad button. Don't -- Brian -- I -- OK, I warned you.

Bruce, do you see how uncomfortable Brian is right now? Do you want to be uncomfortable, Bruce? No. You're shaking your head vigorously, which must put quite a strain on your neck. I don't blame you; no one wants to feel discomfort. And no one wants Eugenio Velez as the lead-off hitter except in an emergency, or Randy Winn starting against lefties -- though you probably won't have to make that decision next year. I agree, Bruce, with more plate discipline Velez could be an effective player. Well, theoretically yes. But I like it when you say "plate discipline." Bing-bong-bing. Happy chimes.

I think we're starting to understand each other quite well, gentlemen. I'm going to leave now. You talk amongst yourselves about whatever -- free agents, trades, lineups, rosters. Chit-chat stuff. I'll be in the other room with the chimes and the bad button. The chimes. Or the bad button. When I feel I can ignore them completely, it will be time for you to go. You will not remember this conversation, or my underground lair, or my Farrah-Fawcett poster, or my Tarantino DVD collection, or the man standing in the corner wearing the bow tie. You will remember none of it. But you will remember this sound -- bing bong bing -- and the very bad feeling when I press this -- Ooh. Sorry. A bit too hard -- and come April, I won't have any occasion to gnash my teeth or pull my hair out. Right? Thank you, Brian. Thank you, Bruce. Help yourselves to a mint. They're sugar free.