Legal Humour

You’re under arrest, if you please

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 20:15:00 -0500

David Chen is the owner of a produce market called Lucky Moose Market, in Toronto’s downtown Chinatown. One Anthony Bennett, who has been habitually stealing from merchants in the area, paid the Lucky Moose a visit and made off with a tray of flowers. When Bennett returned an hour or so later for a second round of thievery, the owner and two employees apprehended him, tied him up and then called police. Instead of getting a citizen’s medal, Chen was charged with kidnapping, assault and carrying a concealed weapon, to wit, a box cutter. All of this happened a few

What colour is your runaway balloon?

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 22:45:00 -0400

Richard Heene may be in big trouble. Authorities are on his case after the Colorado man, in order to gain some media attention, supposedly concocted that story about his six year old son Falcon being lifted off in a helium balloon. I believe police should pursue the matter in order to act as general deterrence to others who have similar ideas. After all, there are just too much of these bogus balloons taking off with kids reports taking place that the police cannot get their other work done. In fact, a typical shift for 911 receptionists sounds like this:

At the end of the day, whatever

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:30:00 -0400

A survey in the U.S. examined the most hated words and phrases currently in use. The number one nod went to the word, “whatever”. Almost half the people interviewed listed "whatever" as the word that pissed them off the most. Other words in the top five were, “anyway”, “you know”, “it is what it is”, and “at the end of the day”. I'm sure the list also included the words, "like", "no problem", and "hey". Actually I have no problem with any of these words or phrases. As Humpty Dumpty once said, “Words mean what I choose them to mean,

Hot Hotdogs

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 21:50:00 -0400

This was not Antonio Judd’s week. He went over to a guy munching a hotdog in a park in Worcester, Mass. He demanded that the man give him his hotdog, claiming he had a gun. That was a very expensive hotdog as Antonio Judd was charged with larceny of the person and a judge slammed him for 18 months. This lends some credibility to the frequent admonitions my late mom used to give me about how hotdogs were no good for you. I’d say Massachusetts is no place to take lightly. Isn’t that the state that used to burn

Madmen and Fools

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 10:40:00 -0400

It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world. Muammar Gaddafi thrilled the U.N. General Assembly recently by turning an anticipated 15 minute speech into a one and a half hour wild and crazy rant. Too bad we lawyers do not get some of the latitude he was accorded. Can you just see him doing our job and doing an opening to the jury:Members of the jury. My client got hit by the defendant, damn him. The defendant was driving a car, which is an imperialist invention. The accident interfered with my client’s career plans as a result of the actions of

Glue, Garth and Grouches

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 20:45:00 -0400

Squeaky Fromme, who tried to assassinate President Ford 34 years ago, is getting out of jail. She is being replaced by Garth Drabinsky, former Livent boss, who is going to jail on fraud charges for 7 years. This has not been a good few days for lawyer Edward Greenspan, who saw client Karl Heinz Schreiber summarily deported to Germany and Garth Drabinsky sent to a different kind of theatre. When interviewed by the media, Eddie, the perennial optimist said, “At least Conrad Black only got 6 years.” Nor was this Donessa Hood-Davis’s week. He went to a motel in Stockbridge, Wisconsin

Jokees gone wild

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:35:00 -0400

Pakistani President Asif Zardari does not like people joking about him. He therefore recently enacted the Cyber Crimes Act. This law is designed to punish bloggers and others who send text messages or emails joking about him. Those convicted could face a jail term of 14 years. I guess now in Pakistan you don’t dare start an email with the words, “Why did Asif Zardari cross the road?”    Personally I believe it will be difficult to apprehend offenders. I feel the Federal Investigation Agency assigned to police the Act will have its work cut out for it. I wonder how they will

The Lawyer's Old Shoes

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 20:00:00 -0400

Lawyer Bill Bone was acting for the plaintiff in a negligence case in Palm Beach, Florida. Bill B objected a couple of times during the course of the jury trial to defence counsel, Michael Robb’s shoes. The said shoes had holes in them and Robb made sure the jury saw the soles of his shoes. Bill Bone argued that the reason Robb flaunted his shabby footwear was to appear to the jury as being a humble and simple man and to garner the jury's sympathy. Robb in fact during the course of the trial made comments such as “I’m just

The Courts are Alive, with the Sound of...

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 20:10:00 -0400

Criminal lawyer supreme, Edward Greenspan, made interesting submissions to sentence recently on behalf of his client, media mogul Garth Drabinsky, who was found guilty of corporate fraud charges. As part of his presentation, Greenspan tendered letters from a who’s who of business and entertainment celebrities including actor Christopher Plummer. I wonder why Christopher Plummer? To me, Plummer means one thing and one thing only: The Sound of Music. Maybe Edward Greenspan figured Her Honour Justice Benotto would be as enthralled with that musical classic as most of us are and that a letter from Mr. Plummer would have Her Honour

Madoff and Kafka

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 11:00:00 -0400

The Bernard Madoff saga is finally over. At age 71 he got sentenced to 150 years in jail. Just how long is that? Well if you go back 150 years, we get to 1859. So if Madoff would have started his sentence then, he would have had to sweat it out right through the U.S. Civil War. That was a big 5 years. In only a mere 36 years after Lincoln’s 1865 assassination he would have lived through Queen Victoria’s death in 1901. Then things would have been dull in jail for the next 13 years until the start of