So I didn’t cleanse this week as I had planned.

Not because I didn’t want to, mostly because hubs and I just don’t have the money to spend on a ton of ingredients since well, we’re really starting to feel the implications of him not having a job these days. We’re skidding by financially and trying to use what we have in our cupboards to save money – meaning, lots of peanut butter and jelly for the most part (which I don’t mind because it’s quite tasty!)

But I did “detox” last week in a non-traditional sense,  aside from (ah-hem) really cutting the booze out, which I failed miserably at, everything else I did pretty well!

My thoughts are:

1. I ate more fruits and vegetables in general.
2. I had a lot more energy
3. I don’t really miss meat
4. I enjoyed finding new recipes and trying new things (I tried falafel for the first time Thursday night up in New Haven! Delish!)
5. I put carbs back in my diet, but only whole grain ones. I enjoy not eating processed carbs.
6. I did miss cheese.
7. My food processor proved a worthy investment! (That bia can chop like no one’s business!)
8. Do not so much miss m&m’s and ginger ale. Go me!

All in all, I definitely felt a bit healthier. I do still want to try a juice cleanse though I may wait til I can afford one that’s offered at my yoga studio or Blueprint which I’ve heard good things about. Also, I want to start it on a day off so I can afford to risk being cranky.

Habits I want to maintain?

I really enjoy eating vegetarian. I’m not willing to entirely give up meat per se but I am willing to cut back on it and have chicken/fish maybe once or twice a week at most.

I enjoyed switching my snacks from chocolates and candies to veggies and fruits! I’ve never been much of a fruit eater but I gotta say, I enjoyed packing a mini fruit salad to nosh on throughout the day. I love peanut butter m&m’s as much as the next person but handfuls of grapes are way better for me than handfuls of m&m’s. Not to say I’m giving up chocolate, I’m not.

I’m still exploring dairy options. I’m curious to try things like almond/soy milk mostly. I could never give up my love of ice cream but I did feel healthier cutting back on cheese and dairy so ice cream is going to also become a once/week treat!

Cutting back on pasta also allowed me to be more creative in what I cooked/ate. I love pasta, I really do, but cutting back on it (like once/twice per week as opposed to three-four times per week) is a good thing and will require me to not only be creative, but also eat healthier. Sure pasta is easy, and I don’t have to entirely cut it out but mixing it up instead of pasta, vodka sauce and sausage all the time will certainly be a lot healthier than a meal I could cook with my eyes closed no?

All in all, diets don’t work. Eating healthier, smaller portions and balanced meals does, but the hardest part is always changing habits. I recommend “pre-detoxing” to anyone who wants to change their habits and eating healthier.

So I will go to the gym tomorrow AM.

I had intended on going to a yoga class tonight, got myself all stoked for it, and then Hubs picked me up from work, got confused about the plan, and took me to Tastee D-lite as a surprise for my success meeting at work going so well. He thought he was picking me up later so instead he thought because he was picking me up earlier he’d surprise me, and we’d take pup for a walk around this park in Darien. Forgetting about my plans to go to the gym. Wamp wamp. (communication FAIL)

In his defense, I did not protest. But I also forgot the free passes to bring to the gym that we have at work.

Double FAIL.

But, it’s mostly my fault for forgetting the pass.

But I blame hubs for offering me up ice cream. Though Tasti D-lite is not “ice cream” it’s frozen treats.

Now I’m sitting on my ass watching Glee willing myself to do something. Anything. Make dinner? Go to the gym? Go for a run? I have zero motivation. For anything. It’s frustrating.

BUT! Since I’m going up to Vermont tomorrow night (still unconfirmed), I need to get in some workout time tomorrow AM. Sooo…I think I might get up and go to yoga in the morning. Or go for a run. Maybe the gym?

But I kind of feel like a major fail whale at the moment.

I skipped hot yoga last night after working from 9a to 12:30 at the yoga studio and then subsequently from 1pm to 7pm at the ft job.

Oh. Em. Gee. This is not a sustainable lifestyle. It’s really just not.

Hopefully hot yoga tomorrow AM will make me feel better.

In all, though, this is an opportunity for me. There’s a little thing going on on twitter in September – #septSUCCESS.

Working out 24 of 30 days in September. Brought to us by the Healthy Loser Gal, who is an inspiration in and of herself. I’m totally in. Starting tomorrow?

What say you freaders, are you in? Here’s to not being a fail whale.

/end fail

/end procrastination

Why is it…student loan lenders don’t understand the term “unemployment?” Don’t they know you can’t get blood from a stone?
Why does it… take so long for interviews to come through after applying for a job (not for me…hubs)
Why is it…I haven’t gotten a phone call from a certain parental unit in over a month?
Why don’t we have a back up for the back up plan?
Why am I not debt free?
Why did I go to such an expensive school that I paid for in student loans?

I’m scared homies. Like, really, legit frightened about life from here on out – not knowing how we’re going to pay rent, not knowing how we’re going to pay credit cards let alone how the EFF we’re going to eat…it’s a scary, scary reality that’s finally showing it’s ugly face.

I generally hate writing about this all…but ultimately, it’s life. It’s my reality and well, reality bites. Working 7 days a week is going to suck in two weeks. But the fact that we’re teetering on the edge of something not good sucks even more.

My mother-in-law has said to me on multiple occasions that she doesn’t know how we’re surviving. How I do it.

Answer, don’t think about it. Thinking about it all makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. Big fat ugly cry, like snot all over my pillow cry. But really, what’s that going to do for us? It’s not going to solve anything. It’s not going to pay the bills or even buy me a sixer of Magners to ease my worries so why bother? Not worth it, just keep my head down and work hard. Right? Right.

So I apologize if my blog is a little on the slow side, and for this depressing post but I had to write it. Trust me when I say this is not the happily ever after I hoped for when I said I do. This is not the life I thought I’d be living at 27. The light in the dark forest though is hubs, because despite this, and moving to CT for a campaign job that ultimately was a HUGE gamble, is that at least we’re in it together and at least we have each other because without him? I would be in that ball curled up in bed crying.

Sooo….what’s new with you guys?

I’ve been cooking a lot this week. Given my pre-detox/cleanse state, I’ve been cooking up lots o’ veggies.

I found this new amazing blog recently and one of the first things that caught my eye was this recipe. I quirked it a little bit, but all in all it came out magnificent and will definitely be a regular in the recipe rotation – let’s just hope next time I remember the whole wheat flour. Whoops?

Deep dish Veggie Tart {as seen on the Neverhomemaker}

Ingredients –

For the dough…

* 2 cups whole wheat pastry flour {i used regular flour because i forgot…wamp wamp. Meant to use whole wheat though!}
* 1 teaspoon coarse kosher salt
* 1 teaspoon dill (or other dried herbs)
* 1/4 cup olive oil
* 1/2 cup cold water

for the filling…

* 2 medium zucchini, sliced into thin “coins”
* 1/2 can of black beans, drained and rinsed
* 1-1/2 cups Monterrey Jack cheese
* 3 cloves garlic, minced
* 2 tablespoons olive oil
* 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
* pinch of kosher salt
* 1 14-ounce can fire roasted tomatoes {I used a can of diced tomatoes pureed in my cuisinart}

Directions…

• Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Lightly oil a tart pan and set aside.
• Toss the zucchini coins with 1 teaspoon of salt in a dish to extract some of the moisture. Set aside while you prepare your crust.

To make the crust…

• Whisk together the flour, salt, and herbs. Add in the oil and water. Mix with a fork . . . and then give in and use your hands. The dough will be slightly sticky. You may add more water, if necessary. On a lightly floured work surface, roll out the dough so it’ll fit your tart pan about an inch in diameter thicker… Quick rolls are best, you don’t want to handle the dough too much. Very carefully transfer the tart dough to the pan. Fold over the excess dough to make the crust thicker. Cover with plastic wrap and let rest in your refrigerator for half an hour to an hour.

For the sauce…

• In a food processor {i just got one! her name is Fran..yes I named my cuisinart}, combine the garlic, canned tomatoes, 1 teaspoon salt, olive oil, and red pepper flakes. Heat over medium-low heat on stove to warm and let flavors mingle. However, you don’t want the sauce scalding hot when you put it in the crust. Warm is the key word here. {mine was boiling. whoops?}
• Prick the bottom of your tart crust with a fork a couple times. Bake on the middle oven rack for 15 minutes. Remove from oven and let cool (I waited 20 minutes).
• Lower your oven temperature to 350 degrees.
• Then let the layering begin! Start with 1/2 of your cheese on the bottom. Then 1/2 of your sauce. Then pile your zucchini coins in a circular pattern (again, using 1/2 of them). Then add all the black beans. Then another layer of cheese. This time, only add about 2/3 of what is left. Then another layer of zucchini. Then the rest of your cheese. Then the rest of your sauce to top it all off. Smush your ingredients just so — you don’t want them toppling over the top of the tart pan.
• Get out a rimmed baking sheet — you don’t want juices wandering to the bottom of your oven — and place your tart pan on it. Bake for 40 minutes. Let cool before serving (10 minutes or so). {I totally didn’t use a rimmed baking sheet. Whoops.}

All in all pretty tasty. The dill added some great flavor to the dough, and I love me some black beans and zucchini. In all seriousness though, uber tasty, pretty easy considering, and definitely healthy. Highly recommend.

Also, you should totally pop over to the Never Homemaker and tell them how fabulous their blog is! I for one am a huge fan!

A while ago, I tried to “detox.” I had mixed feelings on it but I don’t think I did enough research.

A few of my coworkers have tried/completed various detoxes; a number of yoga studios I frequent (2) sell juice cleanses, and one of my favorite bloggers even wrote a post about her experience with it.

So my friends, I’m going on a three week journey. After talking to the owner of one of my yoga studios who makes the cleanses herself, I got a few suggestions, did some research and I’m going to try it again.

Not because I feel the need to lose weight, but I do think that it’ll help get my bad habits out of my system and help me finally reach the point of no return as far as leading a healthy life because I am oh so very close.

So this week is the pre-detox week.

Sunday – no more red meats (fish/chicken allowed)
Monday – no more processed carbs or sugars (soda, candy, white bread, non-whole grain pasta…etc…) (yoga)
Tuesday - no more dairy (run)
Wednesday – no more alcohol (yoga)
Thursday – no more meat/poultry (run)
Friday - no more whole grains (aka eating raw baby!) (yoga/ strength?)
Saturday – eat raw (run)
Sunday - (off) start the cleanse. I’ll have a follow up post on that, once I make my plan based on my research but it’s going to be 3-5 days, and then I’ll gradually start allowing the healthier foods back in. And the booze. I’m pretty sure I can go two weeks without heavy boozing. {This should be interesting btw since I have a bridal shower to go to on Sunday…hmmm….}

Today…

breakfast – egg and cheese on a whole wheat english muffin
lunch – PBJ on whole wheat bread with a luna bar
dinner – three cheese ravioli with marinara sauce, garlic bread and a cupcake from Crumbs – a small strawberry one. Nom nom nom.

Hubs surprised me on the cupcake thing, and since it’s the last cupcake I’ll have for another two weeks at least, I figured what the hell. I didn’t have any red meat, and the only processed carbs were the ravioli’s and cupcake. All in all? Not too bad.

Let’s see how tomorrow goes!

Tomorrow’s dinner is going to be salmon, rice pilaf and some green beans. Should be tasty!

Have you ever tried a detox/cleanse? What was your experience?

I’m a big Real World fan. Like huge. Have been watching since gawd, Seattle? Boston? San Francisco? Who knows.

But this season is hitting home a little. For those of you who don’t follow the big “plot” (as much as you can have a plot in reality television) is Jemmye, a slightly trashy girl from Mississippi with a lot of twang and a pretty big heart who falls for a hockey player – Knight – from Wisconsin who used to be a percocet addict after injuring his shoulder. Unfortunately, Jemmye is still dealing with the fall out of an awfully abusive relationship back home and Knight, as strong as he is, well, doesn’t seem willing to deal with it all.

Let’s get straight to the big thing here, Jemmye, dealing with domestic abuse.

I was never abused. Physically.

Someone really close to me was. Badly. Lots of phone calls home crying about the abuse. How she wanted to come home. But then less than 24 hours things would be fine. Unable to break the cycle. If you’ve ever heard that new Eminem song “love the way you lie” then you’ll understand if you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship or witnessed one.

But talking more about it with friends in the past few years, and witnessing Jemmye on Real World, and thinking back, made me think about my own relationships. If that makes sense. I left. I went back. I left. I went back. My sister, left she went back, she’d leave. She’d go back. Any sort of abusive relationship really is a cycle, and it’s tough to break.

But I was abused. Mostly emotionally, verbally, never physically, though an ex did once hit my pelvis with a sledgehammer (not hard thankfully) because he thought it would be funny. It hurt. A lot. This wasn’t The Ex, but still, it was the same cycle. Not feeling like I’d be good enough for anyone else, would anyone else love me? He convinced me there would be no one else. Only him. He was wrong, I was 20 at the time. Still so young. I do still remember the words “no one will love the way I do…” Oh how wrong he was.

It’s hard to see it in the moment. When someone cuts you down. But when someone makes you feel vulnerable in the sense that you don’t think you’re good enough for him or for anyone else? That’s abuse. Emotionally, but still abuse none the less.

I’ve gotta thank this guy for talking me through a lot of that, especially at the end of The Ex and I. You see when you’re finally strong enough to leave, when you finally have that epiphany that someone will love you for you and you won’t have to change and you don’t have to spend the rest of your life feeling not good enough, it’s still a big and tough step to take. Thankfully I met him, because I sometimes wonder if I ever would have left if I didn’t or if I would have gone back again and again like I kept on doing for a year and a half.

I remember taking that huge leap though. Bestie was there, I was staying with her. I had gone to his place for dinner and it was one small comment that just turned me around. He called me a time bomb. Unstable. I just had enough. Enough of not feeling like I was ever going to be good enough and like that was the best I would ever do. That he would be the only person to ever love me.

That wasn’t love my friends. It never is. And maybe at one point it was but when the same person similarly tells you that the world would be better off without you in one breath, that? Is no longer love. But then again, despite the feelings of being not good enough, and not worthy, I didn’t and still don’t see myself as a victim because I fought back, I may not have had the easiest time leaving but I never let myself be a victim and I yelled, and cried and fought right back with words that were hurtful, though never nearly as hurtful as some of the words thrown at me.

But when I did finally leave, the rain, after two weeks of straight rain, had finally stopped and the sun was peaking out over the trees in the South End of Boston. I walked home, dodging puddles, crying hysterically. I walked into Bestie’s apartment and she was on the phone with him. She hugged me, and he talked to me, telling me I was worth it. I was beautiful, and wonderful, and smart and I deserved better. After that phone call, bestie took me out, hung up on The Ex, and got me rip roaring drunk while we sang Rent in her living room late night.

But in the end, he was right. They both were.

I did find better, I found a man who makes me feel like top of the world, who is wonderful and smart and makes me feel like a million buckaroos even when I’m not wearing any makeup and when I’m covered in head to toe sweat after a ten mile run. To all the girls who don’t think they will? You will. You deserve it. You will find someone who loves you for you, who doesn’t suggest you change yourself, and doesn’t make you think if you change you’ll be good enough. For someone out there? You are good enough.

I’m incredibly grateful I had amazing people in my life to help me realize that, and I’m also more than grateful that my big sister finally realized that too and that she’s happy because so many women don’t realize this. And even if they do realize they’re being abused, don’t have the strength or support to do anything about it.

“And that’s why I’m wondering why you had to tell me
What’s going on in your head what’s wrong
Come around to another time when you don’t have to run
And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You never hear her the way that I do
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you..” -Howie Day “She Says”

I heard this song on my iTunes today and it brought me back to college. I don’t remember which year. There were probably a few points in college where this was a regular on my iTunes list (previously WinAmp…2001 what what?) I get a little nostalgic when the going gets tough, usually through music, what of it?

In all reality, I must confess… I’m finding myself having a hard time dealing with life. Mostly because I’m rolling into a 5 year-out-of-college (homies, we need a reunion…) point and I’m not where I thought I would be. Married yes – though many of my collegiate pals would not have pegged me as one of the first to get hitched. But working in retail, three jobs to barely get by? Not quite the dream job, despite the fact that I’m happy (though, ask me that in a month after working 7 days a week).Was not how I envisioned my life.

I thought I had very much defeated my quarter life crisis earlier this year but I find myself retreating to it. I started the Joy Plan, but I lost track of it mostly because I just couldn’t find the time for it. I think I will finish it. I need to. But maybe this isn’t my quarter-life crisis rearing itself on it’s hind legs coming to get me. Maybe this is just me dealing with crisis – often turning introverted and self-combusting until things are okay again. Maybe it’s both.

And it’s not a crisis – yet – but I’m scared. There, I said it. I’m scared of not being able to pay rent next month. I’m scared of sending in the paperwork to ask for an “economic hardship forbearance” for my student loans. I’m scared of working so much but feel like I have to to survive. To eat, live, breathe, and pay my obligations. I’m scared of going bankrupt. I’m scared of our debts, creditors calling. I’m scared of all that happening. It’s happened before. Not bad, and we’ve gotten ahead of it all but I’m still frightened.

I know hubs will find a job. God forbid he takes another campaign job, I may considering divorcing him (I kid, I kid) but in all seriousness, what I’m lost without is stability.

You know, the days when I could budget for a month without wondering how much my next paycheck would be. The days when I knew how much play money I had to get together with friends, go out to dinner and go out for a night on the town (a night on the town often equaled us sitting at a bar laughing together sharing a couple drinks). I miss having a life.

Hubs reassures me constantly that things will be okay – he has interviews, and yadda yadda yadda. Our parents won’t let us go broke etc…

But sometimes, I feel like that’s all just words. And I’m scared because reassuring words don’t pay the bills. Despite the difference that I have a job and Hubs doesn’t, he makes significantly more than me thus my fear.

This my friends, is not the happiness I was/am searching for, but rather a sad realization that tricking myself into thinking I defeated that quarter-life crisis was not in fact true, and that money may not buy happiness but it does buy stability which does factor into the equation that ultimately equals happiness.

So this week I commensed my first week of my half marathon training for the Newport Half Marathon in October.

My schedule called for:

Monday – 3 mile run
Tuesday – yoga/2 mile run
Wednesday – yoga
Thursday – speed day – 8 x 400
Friday – off
Saturday – off
sunday – 5 miles

I didn’t do so badly.

I got in my 3 mile run Monday before work and then went to hot yoga after work. Tuesday I ran 1 mile to the polls and back on Election Day. Wednesday I checked out Bar Method with a colleague.  Thursday I did yoga in the AM but did not run, and nor did I run this AM as I planned. Whoops.

Total mileage: 4 miles.

Bar Method Review…

If you’ve never checked out Bar Method, I highly recommend it. It incorporates…

…the muscle-shaping principles of isometrics, the body-elongating practice of dance conditioning, the science of physical therapy and the intense pace of interval training into a powerful exercise format that quickly and safely reshapes and elongates muscles.

Kind of intense. Really amazing workout and definitely worked muscles I didn’t even know I had. We went to Bar Method Rye, really enjoyed the instructors who were so energetic and encouraging. Not to mention, the fact that by the end of the day I couldn’t lift my arms fully, and by the next day it hurt to sit on my bum muscles, I am eager to go back. Hopefully this week I’ll get a chance to check out a studio I’ve heard great things about in Greenwich sooner rather than later.

So despite not fitting in the running I had hoped to this week, I’m okay with that considering we had a wedding, a birthday and an election that caused my husbands job to end. STRESS MUCH?!?!

This week,

I’ve got at least 3 yoga classes on schedule, and no fewer than 3 running days either. Total mileage planned: 13-15 miles

How’d you workout this week???

{alternatively titled how I managed to see a wedding beautiful enough for a Martha Stewart magazine and duplicate her amazing cupcakes in 48 hours time}

This weekend was my mother-in-law’s birthday, since we were at a wedding Friday night -

{Hubs and I}, {the view in Westport}, {my gal M and I, love her!}

After all the stress this week, Hubs and I were happy to let loose a little bit. Saturday I worked, Saturday night I baked.

My mother in law is a chocolate-a-holic. Love her to death but she’s half German so she loves her some chocolate much like my late Grandfather did. So for her birthday, since we couldn’t really spend money on anything, I baked cupcakes.

Devils Food Cupcake {via Martha Stewart}

3/4 cup unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa powder
3/4 cup hot water
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 1/4 teaspoons coarse salt
1 1/2 cups (3 sticks) unsalted butter
2 1/4 cups sugar
4 large eggs, room temperature
1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 cup sour cream, room temperature
Chocolate Ganache Frosting
Chocolate Curls, for decorating (optional)

Directions

I also made, the suggested frosting…

Chocolate Ganache {via Martha Stewart}

Ingredients

1 pound good-quality bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped
2 1/3 cups heavy cream
1/4 cup corn syrup

Directions

• Place chocolate in a large heatproof bowl. Bring cream and corn syrup just to a simmer over medium-high heat; pour mixture over chocolate. Let stand, without stirring, until chocolate begins to melt.
• Beginning near the center and working outward, stir melted chocolate into cream until mixture is combined and smooth (do not overstir).
• Refrigerate, stirring every 5 minutes, until frosting just barely begins to hold its shape and is slightly lighter in color. Use immediately (ganache will continue to thicken after you stop stirring).

The chocolate ganache took a bit longer to harden than I initially thought, definitely should have made it last night instead of this morning but it worked out and I ended up just frosting them up at my in-law’s house.

The cupcakes? A huge hit. Though next time I would consider making only a half batch as opposed to a full batch – I have so many cupcakes and so much ganache left over! Definitely something I’d make again though! A big fan of both! I indulged myself in one cupcake earlier, though I definitely plan on pawning a few of these badboys off at work, lawd knows I don’t need a dozen cupcakes laying around my house!

I know, I know I still need to get my BlogHer’10 recap up, as well as a review of the Bar Method class I went to earlier this week! Coming up. I promise. Soon. Prooommmmmm-ise.

I promise…

…a blogher recap is in the wraps.
…that I will announce the winner of my giveaway.
…I will share my awesome news!
…and some not so awesome news.
…that one of these days I will blog consistently – not having a desk job kind of gets in the way of that.

Here’s the post with the news…

The Good…

I recently accepted a second job! This of course means I’ll be working 7 days/week but still not much more than 40-50 hours at least for now. That could change.

A colleague of mine informed me that a yoga studio she works at part time was looking for someone at the front desk a couple days per week. She asked if I was interested and I said SURE! So the other night, when I was at a Junior League event in South Norwalk, I got a call and she offered me the position.

Don’t you remember the days when you didn’t really need to interview jobs, people either liked you or they didn’t? I mean, I’ve met her before, I’m a big fan of her classes, and the studio in general so it’s not like she didn’t know who I was. I miss those days, and probably haven’t had one since in college at some point. Definitely miss those days.

A little extra money never hurt anyone. I explained it to my family the other day that it’s a sacrifice. Hubs and I really want to live a little more extravagantly than our means allow us to, and I want to work to pay off our debts so we get out of them eventually and live that extravagant life we both oh so long to lead. So in the mean time, I’m going to work my tail off to get us there. Just a sacrifice, not necessarily a long term lifestyle.

which brings us to …

The bad

Tuesday was primary day here in CT. I voted. In fact I ran up to the polls Tuesday AM. Go me? I think each candidate except for one lost. Wamp wamp.

Also, we’re moving. Likely to somewhere on the Gold Coast between Norwalk and Greenwich but it really depends on where hubs gets a new job. But with our 18.5% rent hike, we just can’t afford to stay here. But we’ll work on that in September.

The UGLY

One of those campaigns was the one that hubs was working on. Which means, his job ended. Which means, a new job search has begun. Which means, all spending has ended. No more eating out (not that we have been but I need to be a little more conscious of bringing my lunch), no more shopping (not that I’ve been buying anything lately), no trips to Vermont, Boston, DC, or NYC in the meantime.

Crappy yo. Thankfully he’s got some leads so this is only a temporary hiatus from other spending.

I do have to say, that our one year anniversary is in a month and I just hope and pray that we will have a bit more stability before then. Especially considering we’ve had a lot of instability in the past year.