I finally couldn’t avoid the blog post. So here it is.

We have been shocked to our core. NO ONE was prepared for the results of this election. NO ONE saw Trump squeezing out a win. NO ONE expected someone so ill fit for the job to become our next President.

(Okay, maybe the LA Times was onto something. Still, most people did not see this coming.)

So now what?

I’ve personally been listening intently this past week to my conservative and Trump supporting friends and family. I’m trying to expand my mind to see what I can gather from them and how to relate to their experience. It has been incredibly insightful so I wanted to share my takeaways.

TO MY CONSERVATIVE FRIENDS

Please understand:

We are not against you.

We are hurt. We are scared. We are upset.

This is more than just not getting our candidate or our party into office. We are not sore losers–we are feeling genuinely and realistically threatened. 

This reaction is wholly about Donald Trump as a candidate. If it were Marco Rubio, or Jeb Bush, or Mitt Romney, or even George W. Bush again, we would not be in such arms. Upset we didn’t win? Sure. But rioting in the streets? Unlikely.

From how we saw it, Clinton was the only viable and realistic candidate. For the elitist liberals, the view was that most Republicans couldn’t even stomach Trump, so there’s no way he had a chance in hell. Well, Election Day proved us all wrong!

Since the election, it has become clear that enough voters disliked Clinton so much as to convince them to hold their nose and vote for Trump. And it was enough! That was a shock to us! Comparatively, we believed had more enthusiastic Clinton supporters than conservatives had enthusiastics Trump supporters. We counted on the tally to be on our side. The polls, from MSNBC to Fox News, all showed Hillary Clinton with an easy win. And then BAM.

This visceral reaction is not about Republicans winning the White House (and maintaining the Senate and the House. And now being able to select a Supreme Court nominee. I mean, geez, y’all really won the lottery here, even without the popular vote!). We’re protesting to flex our muscles and stand up for ourselves. We are making clear that we will not get walked on by a President Trump.

Listen, I can only speak for me on this point, but the optimistic side of me is very eager to see what change Donald Trump can bring!

• He has a point when he says political hacks have been making poor business agreements.
• That the trade deals we’ve made may not be benefiting enough of our American workers.
• That foreign countries should be contributing to the defense we provide.
• That Washington doesn’t work like it should.
• That Obamacare does not seem to be working. (See my renewal notice below).

Great and valid points! I’m open to these ideas and I’m sure there are others. But they are drowned out by the man he is. Donald Trump is a bigot.

He is a bold bigot!

• We hear him question the citizenship of the first black President (but not the citizenship of immigrant born Bernie Sanders!).
• We hear him call Mexicans rapists and murderers.
• We hear him say we should disqualify a Mexican judge, not on merit, but simply because he is Mexican.
• We hear him say he wants to ban Muslims from this country.
• We hear him handily objectify women with ratings and brag about assaulting them.

It’s embarrassing. We, as a country, are better than that kind of mentality and person. To quote a NY Times Op-Ed:

He makes the point–how can we trust this man’s policies when his fundamental beliefs about our rights are not fair-minded, nor even clear?

In the Democratic party, it is my impression that this party cares deeply about respect, rights, and dignity moreso than it does about economics, success, and business. And that is where the parties differ on a fundamental level. If you’re not feeling respected or dignified, there’s no desire to worry about the bigger picture until that is settled.

Let me put this another way. Psychologist Abraham Maslow posited that there are varying levels of needs. If you don’t have basic needs met, you will not have a desire for secondary or higher levels of needs. This is visualized in the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs:

So, for example, if you don’t have security of food or water (the base level), then you are not concerned with feeling accomplished (higher on the pyramid). Make sense?

So let’s add the two parties post this election:

I’m WAY overgeneralizing here, but currently, many of my Democrat friends are feeling belittled, endangered, threatened, and have reason to feel this way. Here are examples of where things could change for women, Muslims, LGBT folks, and immigrants, just as a sampling. And Donald being so unpredictable doesn’t help! He has been incredibly hostile during his candidacy, and made no amends about it. He has even been threatening to limit press coverage of him! That’s scary! So the reaction of many Democrats is to protest, rant on Facebook, cry with friends, and feel anger toward the system that seemingly legitimized a bigot to get the highest office on Earth. 

All this to say: we are very willing to stand with you if you please stand with us against his bigotry. 

Also, let me be very clear–just like most of us do not think the majority of Trump supporters are racists, bigots, xenophobes, and the like, most of Clinton supporters are not violent, threatening, and dangerous. (See the next section.) Right now, it doesn’t feel like you acknowledge or care about our concerns because your candidate won. And you, dear reader, you personally probably don’t exhibit this behavior. 

Michael Rex said it best:

 

They’re Muslim Americans who worry that spitting in their face is now okay and violations of their rights to assemble and their rights to privacy are about to come.

 

They’re LGBT Americans who fear not just of the loss of marriage rights or restaurants gaining the right not to serve them, but of an administration that thinks it’s more important to research electrocuting the gay out of them than AIDS.

 

They’re Hispanic and Latino Americans who are scared their children will be bullied in schools, and their families ripped apart while their culture is mocked.

 

They’re women who are wondering if we’ve normalized groping, and if their career endeavors will be judged by their face and body, and not their minds

TO MY LIBERAL FRIENDS

Donald Trump won the Presidency. (I mean, unless Electors in the Electoral College go rogue on December 19th.)

It’s done. It was fair. It was not what ANY of us wanted.

I’ve been devastated since Election Day and still have not come out from this dark cloud. I mourn that we will not have a President Hillary Clinton. That it is not time for our first female President. That Republicans have the majority in both the House and the Senate. That their tactics worked and the Supreme Court Justice will be nominated by a President Trump. Ugh.

IT SUUUUUUUUUUCKS.

 

Day 1 of President-Elect Trump

A photo posted by Leigh (@laffingleigh) on Nov 9, 2016 at 7:51pm PST

But you know what? This is America. We’re a fucking great country. And we have made a lot of great progress in the past 8 years.

Have hope.

There’s a theory that we are always moving in a progressive direction. This is very much supported by looking at young generations. Unequivocally, the Millennials are the most progressive generation we have seen since the 1960’s. We may have lost this battle, but we will not lose the war. It’s only a matter of time.

But we live NOW. What about now, Leigh? What about the next 4 years? Or, God forbid, the next 8 years?

This is why I wanted to write this post. To do a post-mortem. How did this happen? And what can we do?

First of all, THIS is how this happened:

Take a good look at 2008, then 2012, then 2016. First, notice that the Republicans have basically pulled the same number of votes each time. In other words, nothing changed for them. Meanwhile, look at the Democratic voting from 2008 to 2016. Do you see what I mean?

Guys and gals, we failed to get the voters out. This is our fault.

I see this for 2 reasons:

1. Firstly, make no mistake, this is not because Republicans riled up their base. They actually turned out less than in the past three elections! The issue is that we did not motivate our own base.
2. Secondly, we failed hard at relating to and converting moderates and conservatives to our side. When you hear people talk about political elites, guess who they’re talking about? YOU.

POOR TURNOUT OF DEMOCRATS

So what happened with us not motivating our base? How did we fail there? I have some theories, but this is totally an armchair evaluation that needs more discussion. Comparing our candidate (Hillary Clinton) to their candidate (Donald Trump), we failed in the charisma department. I’ve already shared this theory and immediately got pushback.

“HUH? Hillary Clinton doesn’t have charisma? What are you talking about??! She was so even-keeled during those debates! She’s so smart!”

I agree! But that’s not charisma. She doesn’t have the “it” factor. Donald Trump totally does. How many rallies did Hillary do that were outrageously attended? Philadelphia just before Election Day? And Election Night?

Also, people were not rallying around her physically. They weren’t coming out to support her. That matters!

As David Axelrod, political analyst and former Chief Strategist of the Obama campaign, flatly pointed out, the Obama campaign “had a product to sell. We had a great candidate.” He said that you if you don’t have enthusiasm, all of the organization in the world isn’t going to do anything.

Folks, that’s REAL.

And listen, the game has changed. What didn’t work? Ala Bill Maher, with my commentary below it, here are things that don’t matter anymore:

• Ground Game

There were scarily accurate articles about Hillary’s lack of effectiveness in her ground game pre-election day. In fact, her ground game may have influenced Trump voters to vote!

• Money

Hillary raised $1 billion.
Trump raised $500 million.
HALF.

• Surrogates

Who was campaigning for Hillary?

• President Bill Clinton
• President Barack Obama
• First Lady Michelle Obama
• Vice President Joe Biden
• Senator Elizabeth Warren
• Senator Bernie Sanders

Who was campaigning for Donald Trump?

• Governor Mike Pence
• His wife
• His kids

Well, guess the message spoke louder than the candidate.

• Endorsements

Newspaper Endorsements:

Celebrity Endorsements (from the top 100 money makers):

For Hillary:

• Howard Stern
• Lebron James
• Madonna
• Ellen Degeneres
• Bruce Springsteen
• Matt Damon
• Beyonce
• Jay-Z
• Kim Kardashian
• Johnny Depp
• Jennifer Lawrence
• Ben Affleck

For Trump: 

• Rush Limbaugh
• Tom Brady

And ultimately, none of this mattered.

Also, some other takeaways from Bill Maher:

• People lie to pollsters.
• Don’t nominate someone who can’t do rallies.
• Find someone who can talk to white people (who are 70% of the voters!).
• Don’t tell Americans you can’t be that stupid.
• Racism is a great product and sells itself.
• The Russians are going to fuck with you and have a plan for that.
• Ageism didn’t work–Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders could have won.
• Democrats: stop being so nice and politically correct.

POOR RELATIONS WITH MODERATES AND CONSERVATIVES

Now, regarding number 2, how did we fail to relate to moderates and conservatives? What were we failing to listen to? How were they feeling pushed aside by us?

First of all, let’s remember, historically, the Democratic party is the party of the working class. The rust belt used to be our base! And us failing to secure their vote is why we lost this election! So it’s incredibly important for us to understand what they were thinking.

My theory (part of which I gleaned from here), is that for the past decade, we’ve been telling white people, “Your time is up. We live in a multicultural world now. You need to shut up and sit at the table and recognize the privilege you’ve had all these years. It’s time to have all of us at the table equally.”

Well, shit. That’s a dose of medicine they weren’t ready for. Huh, you say? I’m talking about white privilege.

Privilege is never easily taken away. (You’ve got to read and share this.) And privilege taken away feels like, guess what? Oppression. Think about it:

• Black Lives Matter: Black folks (or as Trump says, “The blacks”) have not felt seen for quite some time. They feel like an invisible participant in this society. So they started the Black Lives Matter movement to say, “Hey, I’m here.”
  • The privileged response? “Hey, black lives aren’t more important than other lives. ALL lives matter. Stop stomping on my life.”
• Gay Rights: For years, the gay community has accepted their role as a secondary citizen. We are humans, sure, but we are not legally equal. We have not gotten the same rights as our neighbors simply because we have same sex attraction. It’s time we demand for our rights.
  • The privileged response? “Hey, we have been doing things this way for MILLENNIA. You are ruining the fabric of society by changing a basic tradition that is the foundation of humanity. Stop stomping on my beliefs.”
• Happy Holidays: This country was founded on the basis of separation of Church and State. After lifetimes of historically only honoring Christmas, Easter, and other Christian holidays, people of other faiths demanded some recognition as well. After all, that’s the foundation of American values we all hold so dear.
  • The privileged response? “Hey, our Founders were Christian. When they implied a separation of Church and State, they were referring to Christianity only. Stop stomping on my religion.”

Are you seeing a trend here? Suddenly, folks who have never been the minority are starting to feel the walls closing in on them.

And look at the timing. This has been happening all within this current century. Things have been changing, and changing fast, and it feels threatening to those who are completely comfortable with the status quo. So emotionally, this has been challenging.

ALSO, ECONOMICS MATTERS

Even more importantly, this isn’t just about the privilege belief set. This is real white, and non-white, Americans feeling that things are not going in their favor. The local economies are declining. They are not seeing the benefits that big government has been promising for the past eight years. “It really is time for a change! Get out of here, Obama!” We are insulated because, for most of us reading this, we live in big cities that offer great benefits, policies, and standards. Said another way, we can afford our positive big government values. When you live in the country, in the rural areas, their local economy is heavily influenced by trade agreements, manufacturing deals, and we are blind to the consequences of these things because, well, CITIES. We don’t need to leave our haven! They’ll come to us!

And, of course, we failed to realize that Trump was resonating with them! We didn’t offer palpable solutions. (…not to say Trump did, but he spoke to them in a way that resonated with them!)

This may surprise you: Let me speak for most common working white folks. Pre- his candidacy, most country white folks would have described Donald Trump as a complete tool. An idiot. A talking head. An elitist. He deserves whatever comes to him.

But then Trump started to say things that actually made sense. He spoke to all of the above points in a relevant way.

It worked.

We’ve got to learn from this. When they say we’ve got to reach across this aisle–this is what they are referring to. The Obama message of hope was one that reached directly to them, and they have not seen the jobs come back to America. So they decided it was time to try ANYTHING different than what Obama’s America was offering. To them, Obama’s message of hope wasn’t working. (Wow. To be honest, I just had a lightbulb moment. And I’m the one writing this.) Maybe it was? Maybe it is? But it doesn’t seem to coming fast enough.

Remember the question y’all posed about the Millennials growing up and bringing the change with them? 

But we live NOW. What about now, Leigh? What about the next 4 years? Or, God forbid, the next 8 years?

Guess who was asking the same questions?

REGARDING PROTESTS

One other thing–protesting is wonderfully American thing to do. But the violence has got to stop. If you, or anyone you know, is part of the violence that these protests are creating, say something. Do not be a standerby during this. If we expect conservatives to stop the prejudices we are seeing, then we’ve got to stop the liberals from the violence we are seeing.

COMING TOGETHER

Truly, we are in this together. This is our country. A majority of people are not happy that Donald Trump is our President-Elect. But the pain to have change was so hurtful that they had to do something.

Conservatives don’t want your rights taken away.
Liberals don’t want you to suffer.

We all want prosperity for all. So listen to your friends, acknowledge their pain, and let’s defend each other’s passions so we all can win.

ABOUT ME

I am a left leaning Centrist, politically. 

I am blessed to have the background I do. On one hand, I was raised in Texas and have a Republican family. After graduation, I went to UT-Austin, studied diversity and multiculturalism, came out of the closet as a gay man, and have lived in NYC for 10 years, providing me with entirely different and often opposing viewpoints.

My immediate family is very sophisticated in how they participate civically. My parents, who are divorced and very individually different from each other, are both thoughtful Republicans and voted for Trump. My oldest brother, who started a Republican after-school group while in high school, is an outspoken Republican. (To be clear, he is an outspoken and moderate Republican who has penned the right-wing Republicans as the #FundamentalistTalibanTeaParty.) His perspectives have been incredibly enlightening to me. He voted for Johnson on principle. I don’t know who my middle brother voted for, though he is very much a Centrist. I voted for Hillary.

ELECTION DAY

I had an Election Day party. I bought an ice cream cake to celebrate Hillary’s impending win to share with my friends. 

Everyone arrived jovial. We talked about doing the mannequin challenge for fun, just like Hillary did earlier that day. We were in good spirits. I had snacks out and made some hot foods.

Both of my parents had called me in response to a text message (not pertaining to the election) I had sent earlier in the day. I answered both calls with, “So, are you calling to congratulate me?” Boy, was I confident.

There was no exact time, but our mood at the party slowly started to change as we saw the numbers roll in. The first clue this was going to be an upset was when my mother texted me:

Well, that number went up to 95% as the night went on. And then the votes kept pouring in. Woah. I posted on Facebook.

Really, this can’t be happening. No one could believe it. I felt like I had been punched in my stomach.

As the night continued, people started to leave. You could feel the disgust and disappointment in the air. The mood was as if I had thrown the most disappointing party ever. It’s probably because I didn’t bring out the cake.

THE NEXT DAYS

I can’t say that I (or many folks) slept soundly that night. My mind was racing:

The polls showed Hillary with a clear lead! How could they have been so off? How could so many people vote for Trump? Melania is going to be the First Lady? They’re both so artificial, superficial, reality TV types. They represent the sensationalism and anti-intellectualism of America. And somehow, they still eeked out a win! Oh man, no woman President. Ouch. That hurts. That really hurts. No. Woman. President. Ugh. That’s very upsetting. I really wanted her to win. I really wanted another glass ceiling to break. What’s going to happen to my rights? To everyone’s rights? What is going to happen to our country? President Trump? UGH. Just saying his name with President in front feels like a punch in the gut…

This went on for quite some time.

Obviously, we saw what happened next. Hillary Clinton conceding (something I NEVER imagined and still haven’t watched in full). The View’s reaction. Chelsea Handler crying. Protests in the streets. CPG Grey updating his electoral college video.

NOW WHAT

Read this for part 2.

• I left it in Connie’s bag at a picnic. She pulled it out and the hook that holds the earpiece on snapped off, rendering the earpiece useless. Fuck.
• I tried to prop it in my ear. It didn’t work.
• I superglued it back on. A month later, it came off.
• I supergluuuuuuuuuuuuued it back on. I glued my fingers together. BUT IT WORKED, BITCHES! I learned to touch my earphones like a fragile egg and to put them on with tweezers and gloves. For 2 years.
• I lost my iPod (BIG SIGH. Therefore, the volume rocker doesn’t work anymore since it’s not compatible with my Android phone).
• I constantly caught the cord on doors, hooks, corners, yanking the cord slowly from its tip.
• The cord had frayed open exposing the wires inside.
• The left earphone played normal. The right earphone played softer. So I learned to listen with the left earphone partially out.

So I decided ENOUGH ALREADY and started my search for a replacement. After three months of not finding anything that compares close enough and annoyed that they don’t have one specifically for MY phone, I decided, you know what? I know Bose. I’m just going to get another one. In fact, I’m going to the Bose Store at Columbus Circle where I can actually plug the samples into my phone to try out the buttons to make sure they work!!

Upon arriving, I quickly learned that EVERYTHING was for Apple. None of their samples on display were for Android phones. Sigh.

I was torn between the $130 TrueSound and the more durable, but more expensive and uglier, $150 TrueSport. Seeing as my cord broke on the last TWO that I had, I really wanted to make sure durability was a thing. I pulled out my old, broken, fraying, superglued headphones and started to explain to the employee helping me how I basically destroyed my last pair. He interrupted.

The Bose employee: “Oh, were you wanting to trade that one in for the Bose Replacement Program?”

My brain: “Wait, what did he say? Replacement program? OMG, this POS that I super glued and frayed and is louder in my left ear than my…”

Me (immediately with deadpan look): “Yeah.”

I went to the register with him. He took the trash (my old headphones) and rang me up for the TrueSound at $65 (!!!!!).

Him: “Do you want a bag?”

Me: “No.”

I literally grabbed that box and ran the fuck out of that store.

Regarding Attending the Wedding

• Even if you do not attend, you should still send a gift! (Oh shit. I owe some apologies to folks.) Remember they spent hours and hours combing through lists of family and friend and (probably) fighting over who makes the cut. You made the cut! Some pissed off family members didn’t. Show a little love in return.
• Some felt that attending didn’t affect cost. Others said that small is okay for those that don’t attend.

Regarding Type of Gift

• Loud and clear: Personalized and thoughtful gifts are the BEST! And often is remembered the longest.
• Buying off the registry is obviously fine.
• Gift cards to their registry location is nice.
• Ideas for heartfelt gifts: heirloom recipe book from family members, membership to a loved museum + catalog of their collection, a really good bottle of wine that aged well intended for a future anniversary.
• One person simply said: “Give them whatever the fuck you want.”
• Then there’s Rafi’s wise words: “a $2,000 to $3,000 ice sculpture measured in metric, as standard is passé and a savvy bride or groom will know.”

Regarding Amount of  Gift

• The older you get, the more you should spend. If you are over 25, at least $50 cash or $35 off the registry.
• Three people believe the standard is $100-$250, depending on how close you are.
• Another bride said that most common was $75 as a single guest and $100 as a couple.
• “Cover Your Plate” rule: give enough to cover how much they spent on you. In NYC, at the fancy catering company I work for, it’s not unexpected to spend $300-$400/person for the wedding! More typical in the real world is $100/person.
• “But I can’t predict how much they’re going to spend ahead of time.” Well, look at their invitation. Is it super duper fancy? (Life hack side note: spend a lot on the invitation then ask Chipotle to cater. YES!)

Regarding Traveling and Destination Weddings

• One person said travel costs are not considered, unless they know you are poor (and 3 people liked this comment). Others said that your friends tend to know when their destination wedding is expensive, so chances are they’d say the gift is unnecessary. I think the consensus is to give a gift, no matter how far you’ve traveled–just doesn’t have to be expensive.

Extra Notes

• Send the gift. That way, the bride and groom aren’t burdened with having to track the gift on the day of. I can personally back up this one as I work weddings!

My takeaway: Going or not, you should send a gift! (Oh man, I owe a lot of folks an apology…) Unless you’re really poor or this is a an expensive destination or trip for you, you should give something. The better you know the couple, the better the gift should be.

(And all this time, I thought I was the best gift of all! “YOU’RE WELCOME!”)

Special thanks to everyone who contributed!!

• Brandon Kalbaugh
• Christina de la Garza
• Maria Yuan
• Zag Ahmadi
• Evan Silverberg
• Katie Arb
• Lester-John Pagala-Samson
• Virginia Smith
• Rafi Mittlefehldt
• Katie Sloan
• Denise Crouch
• Lisa Ferguson-Warren
• Barbara Barna Abel
• Laura Hammer
• Shashanah Newman Dattilo
• Megan Minter Gray
• Joe Lanza
• Casey Geraghty (who is the person in the picture above…..although she doesn’t know I used this….tee hee hee?)

Here’s the thing:  I am a mystery shopper.  I work for the same restaurant over and over and over.  As a result, I’ve created a template of my submission that I use every single time.  So that means, more often than not, I am editing text rather than typing text.  When you edit as much as I do, you catch the small issues that most people miss.  Also, I type super fast.  Now, I may not have 100% accuracy, but no one does.  That’s the point of spell checking and predictive text.  Based on the areas that you type, the phone’s operating system suggests best fit words.

So let’s compare Apples to…..Googles.

Apple (iPhone, iPod, iPad, iOS)

PROBLEM 1:

Apple is the thought leader, in my opinion.  They paved the way for the smartphones we have today.  So I’m grateful for them.  But they simply don’t understand one obvious thing–when I put my cursor in front of a word, it’s because I’m about to add an adjective, word, or phrase.  It’s very unlikely I’m going to edit THAT word by putting the cursor BEFORE the word.  Obviousleigh.  ….so you’d think.

EXAMPLE:

He is dumb.

(I add my cursor before dumb.)

He is |dumb.

(I type in ‘really’ then press the space bar, but I misspell the word.)

He is relly |dumb.

Apple decides to not spell check that word.  Why?  Because the cursor was touching dumb.  So they think that I’m editing the word dumb.  But I’m adding an adjective!!  It’s even worse when I add in a phrase:

He is a srupis moron qje he is supwe |dumb.

when what I wanted to type was:

He is a stupid moron and he is super dumb.

So, let’s get this straight.  I added 6 words before the word dumb.  So clearly, I was trying to modify the word dumb 6 times.  Yep.  Don’t spell check any of that.

MORONS.   (Meanwhile, I typed that exact phrase into my Google phone with the cursor touching the word dumb and it autocorrected PERFECTLY.)

PROBLEM 2:

Speech dictation is a wonderful tool (assuming you don’t have a thick accent or dialect).  You can whip up a paragraph of writing without even typing a word. I even typed this sentence through speech dictation on my MacBook.  All I had to do was speak. Then it dictates what I say for me. Amazing!

The problem is, like I said, I edit text more than I create text. The problem arises when I am editing text by adding words to the middle of the sentence.  What’s the problem?  The Apple speech dictation auto capitalizes the first letter of whatever I dictate, no matter if it is in the middle of a sentence or not.

EXAMPLE:

He is crazy.

I realize I want to add some adjectives, so I add my cursor.

He is |crazy.

I turn on my speech dictation and say “super hot and deliciously”.  What comes out?

He is Super hot and deliciously |crazy.

Ugh.  I don’t want a capital letter in the middle!

Apple:  You’re so close.  You have so many things done right.  This is just not one of them.  But don’t fret that your competitors have it right, because Google also has mistakes.

Google (Android)

PROBLEM 1:

Now Google does understand that I might edit text and add in words.  So when I start to add in words, regardless of where the cursor is, PRESTO, they’re spell checked.  And when I speech dictate, the first letter is not capitalized.  But still Google has an awful oversight.

I type in this:

He is a bigmmoron andbhe isvsuper dumb.

And Apple automatically changes it to:

He is a big moron and he is super dumb.

PERFECT!  Meanwhile, what does Google change it to?

He is a bigmmoron andbhe isvsuper dumb.

Recognize that?  Yeah, same as what I typed in.  Google doesn’t get that the space bar is very close to the b, v, m, etc. keys.  And it is missing a beautiful opportunity to autocorrect as a result.  Come on, Google!  You’re otherwise so close!!

PROBLEM 2:

The other problem is, guess what, speech dictation.  While I discount Apple for capitalizing the first word you say, no matter where the cursor is, Google only kind of fixes that.  Everything you dictate to Google is lower case.

EXAMPLE:

You start with just a cursor:

|

Then you dictate what you want to say.

“He is not as smart as me.  You wouldn’t believe it, but it’s true.”

What comes out?

he is not as smart as me.  You wouldn’t believe it, but it’s true.

Ohhh, Google.  You’re SO CLOSE!!!!  SOOOOOO CLOOOOOOSE!!!

Conclusion

This is to say, that both Google and Apple have it wrong. They are both so close, but they could be closer. So the question is, who is going to fix this first? Well, that’s easy, who is going to read this blog first???  Only time will tell!!

Question I asked:  Spouse/Partner name

Answers I got:

• TBD 2013
• none – still too single
• Me, myself, and I, plus my plant
• Darren Criss
• I wish
• Liz Lemon.  Who says lady nerds aren’t hot?
• Gross
• Micah & Leigh Cambre (gross?)
• Frosty the Snowman
• Jesus
• I’m a future lesbian of America
• BOB (battery operated boyfriend) (HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA! WIN!)
• ….not married…..thanks for reminding me.  tear.
• That blond guy.  (this is really referring to her husband)
• I’m in an open relationship with myself.
• Geez…now I’m depressed about having to leave this box empty again this year :/
• rosie palm (this one took me a moment)
• none :’-(

Question I asked:  OMG, some of you have children.  What are their names?

Answers I got:

• Bentley (that’s his dog)
• Animation & Work (that’s what she studies at school)
• Acting career (that’s what she does ALL OF THE TIME)
• Tifa (lies)
• oh hell no
• Nosema, K-Martina, and Orangejello
• God no.  Honestly, I would hide from them if I had any.
• Grosser
• Cartman & Kenny
• Leigh Cambre
• ew
• Leigh, Jr.  ummm….
• Just one…. Little Debbie
• Piston (another pet)
• can’t remember (I wouldn’t be surprised if he was serious…)
• No
• Adolf, Osama, Benito, Genghis, and OJ
• Thelonious, Bartholemu, Letitia, Latrina
• NO.
• Moe Larry & Curly
• Scarlett, our four-legged child
• I forgot…..tehehehehehehehe
• Jacqueline (….this one shocked me because I haven’t seen this guy in over a year!  ….he later admitted he was trying to freak me out)
• Guinea pig named Soap, does that count?

Question I asked: What exciting updates happened in your life this year?  Or you could actually send me a newsletter!!!

Answers I got (it was a multiple choice question):

• 1 person (1%) I had a baby. Baby #21. TAKE THAT DUGGAR FAMILY!
• 5 people (7%) I got a big fat raise and a huge promotion. And by that, I mean, I’m not in the same situation I was at the beginning of the year HALLELUJAH!!!
• 5 people (7%) I moved! Goodbye horrible living situation I used to live in. Hello, new complicated living situation that had unexpected consequences.
• 1 person (1%) I got my GED! You talkin’ to me like I’m stupid! You don’t know me. Are we done? Are we done? 1 1%
• 5 people (7%) …yep. I’m gay. (Note from Leigh: Let me just be the first to say “I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!”)
• 3 people (4%) I’m in a new relationship. GOD I LOVE/HATE HIM/HER SO MUCH! I’M SO LUCKY/CURSED! WOOHOO/WTFDIDIGETMYSELFINTO!
• 4 people (5%) I had the most fabulous vacation! All expense paid trip to you know where! I posted so many photos on Facebook!!!!! Both of my friends who didn’t unfriend me liked the album!
• 4 people (5%) I tied my shoes this morning. (Note from Leigh: you need to select the option just above this next year)
• 9 people (12%) (best option) FINE! I’m sending you a newsletter. Hold your horses. It’s coming.  (And out of those 9 people, only one actually did send me a newsletter!)
• 39 people (51%) Other

What were some of the other responses?

• raunchy sex in a hot tub (!!!!)
• Maybe I visited someone awesome in NYC (yes she did.  me.)
• I’ve been sober for 15 months!  (CONGRATS!!)
• My dog died.  (He wasn’t joking.)
• colonoscopies are the gay sex wave of the future
• I’m busy! Newsletters take time!  (You think I don’t know this?!?!)
• just had a great vacation with the family, and i’m thinking about seriousleigh dating again

Question I asked:  Did you realize you can subscribe to my blog?

Answers I got (it was a multiple choice question):

• 14 people (18%) No, I had no idea. I’m copying and pasting this into another tab right now so I can subscribe: http://feedburner.google.com/fb/a/mailverify?uri=leighcambre/rss
  You can actually do this!!!!!!  Click the link.
• 20 people (26%) Yes! I’m already subscribed.
• 13 people (17%) Yes. **side eye**
• 5 people (7%) No. I had no idea. Interesting. Huh. Neat. Sounds fun. Oh, look what’s on TV!!!
• 24 people (32%) Other (most of these were snide remarks about me needing to tweet or get on tumblr, etc.)

I have the best friends!!!!!

It’s late.  I’m about to go to bed.  I’m wrapping up what I’m doing on the computer.  It’s a typical night of surfing the web, listening to music on Spotify, and checking out Facebook, when I suddenly see, at the top of my News Feed, this post from an old friend/co-worker of mine from 5 years ago (paraphrased):

Mark:  Good bye world. I hope you got some good energy from me. See you on the other side.

……WTF.

Mark is an old friend who I haven’t spoken to since we stopped working together.  What did he mean by that?  Is he serious?  When did he post this?  Literally a minute ago.  I immediately fuddled with composing a comment.   What do you say to that?  I think I wrote something like, “You all right?”  When I pressed enter, an error message popped up.  Huh?  That never happens on Facebook.  But you know what….it’s actually familiar.  It’s what happens when you try to post on a comment that was recently deleted.  Fuck.  He wrote a suicide note and deleted it within 2 minutes.

At this point, my palms are starting to sweat.  My mind is racing and my heart is beating.  There’s part of me that says this is not my business.  It’s been 4 years since we’ve hung out in any sort of social way.  Is it my place to step in?  What kind of state is he in?  Maybe this is some kind of joke?  …I can’t let this go.  So I direct message him.

Hey, you okay??

Mark.  Would you like to talk? I’m here. I’d be happy to listen. [I put in my phone number]. Seriously.

I kind of can’t believe I put in my phone number.  I have NO IDEA what kind of state he’s in.  If he finds my involvement threatening, who knows what he may do toward me?  But I can’t shake that this is the right thing to do.  I have to take that chance.  Thanks to the new Facebook, I can see that he’s read this message.  Okay.  So any moment now he’s going to reply.  …right?

No reply.  This might be serious.  I start to look at our mutual friends.  If he won’t reply to me, maybe he’ll reply to a friend.  I text my closest friend that also knows him:

Me:  Are you still friends with Mark?  He just posted this on his wall:  “Good bye world. I hope you got some good energy from me. See you on the other side.”  He deleted it within 2 minutes.  I messaged him on Facebook immediately.  My palms are sweating.

Her:  wtf?!

Me:  Not joking.

Me:  Do you know who’s close to him?

Me:  Or closest?

Her:  hmm no

Her:  I haven’t spoken to him in forever.

Her:  lmk what’s up

Her:  love u guys

As you can imagine, during all of this texting, I’m going back and forth between his Facebook page, our mutual friends page, and the messages.  I even open up a page on how to deal with suicidal people.  I’ve dealt with this in the past in a very personal way.  During my time as a Resident Assistant in college, I counseled a suicidal resident in my dormitory who had tried to commit suicide.  He messaged me on instant messenger saying that he woke up after 48 hours of being passed out.  He tried to kill himself by taking pills.  Remembering my training, I told him to not do anything rash and went over to his room.  I stayed with him for many, many hours, just listening to him and being there for him.  It was an extremely low moment for him and my heart went out to him.  At the end of my time there, I promised him I would arrange for him to go to the Counseling Center and to meet with my Supervisor early the next morning so that we could make this better.  I wrote an extremely detailed report to her which she raved about the next day.  She swore I saved his life.  Some months later, he thanked me profusely saying I did indeed save his life.  That whole situation flashed in my mind as I looked over this material.

I clicked back to Mark’s Facebook wall.  I find a new post:

There is beauty in death.

My heart just drops.  This is completely real.  Please don’t let this be happening.  Trying to maintain his privacy, I go back to Facebook messages and write to him:

Listen: I can only hope your message wasn’t intentional or directed toward suicide, but I want to make sure. I saw your post on your wall. I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.

I wait about 1 or 2 minutes to see if it marks as read.  It doesn’t.  Shit.  All right.  So this is the moment.  Do I potentially embarrass him and ask plainly on his wall post what’s going on?  My mind is going through 2,000 possibilites, but the instinct is clear.  I’ve got to do it.  I comment:

Mark, you all right?

Come on.   Say something.  I go back to my Facebook message.  Still marked as unread.  No.  No, no, no, no.  READ MY MESSAGE, DAMN IT.  Nothing.  So I start searching again.  It says he is engaged, so I look up his fiancee, April.  Turns out April and I have 3 friends in common:  Mark and 2 other people, Richard and Bryan.  I know both of those 2 people very well.  I decide to text Richard because I’ve had recent contact with him:

Hey….you awake.  It’s a legitimate emergency.  Suicide threat from an acquaintance of mine.  You can help.

I also call him twice.  No answer.  I go back to Facebook.  MARK STILL HAS NOT READ THE MESSAGE.  UGH!  I check his wall.  OMG, someone else has posted.  After my ‘you all right?’ post, his friend Amanda comments with this:

Yeah, I second that question.

Maybe she’s close to him!  So I immediately message Amanda:

Can you call me please????  [I put in my phone number.]

Knowing that messages from non-friends often go to the “Other” box, I comment on that post:

Amanda!  Check your Facebook messages, not the inbox, but the other box.

Seconds later, my message shows up as read.  Thinking my comment for her may freak Mark out, I delete my comment.  I post again in his messages:

Mark. Please. Let me know you’re all right. I am very concerned about you.

After a minute or two, I get a phone call from a number I don’t recognize.  It’s Amanda!  Seeing as she only saw the second vague and cryptic post about beauty in death, I relay my concern because I had seen the first post, which was more direct and suicidal.  She gasps.  “Oh my God.  I can’t believe that.  I’m so glad you said something.  I’m going to get his best friend Josh involved.”  Amanda promises to keep me updated and we end the call.  This is promising.  I go back to Mark’s wall and….there’s Josh!!!  Josh comments:

I agree.

After a moment, another comment shows up from Amanda:

Josh, I just called you call me back!

Okay.  Good.  Things are starting to get in motion.  Do I stop here?  I just don’t feel comfortable yet.  My Facebook messages to him are still not read.  This does not feel good.  Has he already harmed himself?  God, please no.  I have a pit in my stomach.  I look up his best friend Josh’s location to find out he lives OUT OF STATE.  I’ve got to do more.  I message Mark again:

When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute “” whatever you can manage. I am available, help is available, I care deeply about your welfare, Mark.

I get an idea.  Remember his fiancee April?  We had two friends in common?  Richard and Bryan?  Both of them live in the city so maybe they can physically show up and do something.  Richard must be passed out.  (It is 2:30a, after all.)  So now I try Bryan.  I don’t have his number anymore, so I Facebook message him:

HEY. Are you awake/??? it’s an emergency.

Within a minute, it’s marked as read.  Thank God!  I continue in my message:

Bryan – call me. [I put in my phone number.]
Mark is in trouble.

Who knows what he’s doing, so it’s understandable that it takes a few minutes for him to call me back.  And, for all I know, he may not hang out with Mark anymore!  FOUR YEARS have passed!  God knows how their relationship is now.  And Bryan and I had a very comical and social relationship.  It was always based on humor.  We commonly talked about meeting up at an improv show.  That was our kind of connection.  I hope he takes this seriously.  Come on, Bryan.  Call me back.  Seconds later, my phone rings.  YES.  It’s Bryan!

Hey!  Bryan!  I’m sorry to jump right to it, but Mark is in trouble.  Are you still friends with Mark?

He says yes.  THANK GOD!  I explain to him the situation and he is taken aback.  He starts to freak out a little bit and says he needs to find out what’s going on.  He explains that Mark even called him earlier today.  Oh man, he feels awful for not answering the phone or calling him back.  He decides to find out right away.  I tell him to keep me updated.  He says thanks and we hang up.

What now?  I decide, while I’m at it, I’m going to message his fiancee April too!  So I do.  No immediate response.

Okay.  I’m truly about out of options at this point.  My messages to Mark are still unread.  I have gotten two close friends of his to take action.  I’m really exhausted because my adrenaline has been running and I’m past my bedtime.  I just want to get confirmation that he’s okay!!  What else can I do?  HELLO.  What I should have done to begin with!  I get on my knees, I put my head on my bed, and I pray.  I pray for Mark.  I pray that he reconsiders.  I pray that he has peace in his heart.  I pray that, even if it’s just a short moment of delay, that he gives his friends a chance to hear him.  I pray his friends get there in time.  I send a lot of healing.  And honestly, I can feel the healing myself.  I start to feel a little better.

Finally, after 20 long minutes, I get a message from Bryan:

mark is ok

THANK GOD!  Literally.  I’m so grateful to hear that.  In the next 15 minutes, I get messages from Amanda and April that they’re in touch with him and that he’s okay.  What. a. relief.  His friends are reaching out to him from all over at this point.

So why did I tell you this story?  I’m not exactly sure.  I just know I needed to.  If anything, please, know this.  It’s true.  You are loved.  You are loved dearly.  Even your friend from four years ago who hasn’t said a word to you is still genuinely concerned with your well-being.  If you’re ever feeling like you need to end your life, understand it is only temporary. And you can get help.  Go here:  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.  And if you’re someone that isn’t sure how to help someone in trouble, read this page:  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/Someone.  You are not alone in this journey.

The next morning, I woke up to two messages in my Facebook inbox.  I get choked up even reading them now.  The first one is from Mark’s friend Josh:

mark is ok he said he was a little depressed i told him there are people that love him on this planet, and not to for get it. leigh your absolutely amazing thank you so much for having a beautiful heart. i would of not known if it wasn;t for you love you brother

The second one is from Mark:

Leigh your awesome

No, Mark.  You are.  That’s why I did all of this.

I was looking up details on how people were finding my life coaching business.  On a whim, I decided to see how people were finding my personal website in the past year.  The results?  To DIE for….

• CNN Hotties (364 unique hits from just this!!  I must be on to something!)
• royal wedding pictures (what?)
• royal wedding (huh?)
• royal wedding photos (wtf? between those three, I got over 450 hits.)
• smokers teeth (check out that gem to see why)
• why winter is better
• jamba juice mormon (this is not what they probably wanted when they were searching for this, but a hilarious entry I must say!)
• cock blocking yourself (there’s actually quite a large amount of different version of cock blocking searches that hit my site.  Too bad it was all self-motivated.  Missed opportunity?)

Now we’re onto the 1 visit or less section.  Oh my baby Jesus, I thank you:

• “pentagon spurned plan to initiate enemy homosexuality” (word for word)
• leighcamber.com
• absolteleigh
• absoluteliegh
• absolute liegh ny  (okay, i’ll give you that my name might different, but thank God for Google, you still got to my site…)
• anyway communication cambre (I would love to know what they were searching for)
• außenalster (……..)
• boyfriend blew me off 3 times (well, I can’t help you)
• cambre cock (only one search??? Damn!)
• cambre swamp people
• can i suck it (are the last 3 related?)
• justin timberlake ass hold gay free (they are going to be extremely let down by whatever they found on my site)
• shared asshole (my favorite pasttime!)
• the cambre dream 2 (I didn’t know there was a sequel!!!)

My most popular sites are these:

• www.leighcambre.com/absoluteleigh (understandabLeigh)
• www.leighcambre.com
• www.leighcambre.com/cnn-hotties/ – sounds like it’s time for an update on this one!  This seems to be an extremely popular post!!
• www.leighcambre.com/todays-gay-lesson-what-are-logical-fallacies/ – Wow.  Cool!  I’m very proud of this one.  I spent a lot of time on it!

What is your favorite post?  How did you find my site?

As the cliche goes, you were once the winning sperm. Millions tried, one succeeded: you.

You won when you passed the first grade. Whichever time you did.

You won a game of freeze tag.  I’m sure.  Because you made up the rules at least once.  And then when you lost, you argued your way out of it.

You won when you got chosen anytime you put in an application for something and got accepted, be it a job or a college.

You’ve won before.

I didn’t mean for this to be a rant. Instead, I just wanted to inspire you to keep doing the little things. I saw a contest somewhere online that asked me to follow a certain Twitter address (in this case @NextMovie) and retweet a very specific phrase.  If you did this by the date they said, you’d be entered into a contest.  Here were the three prizes:

• GRAND PRIZE:  A year of movies at AMC!
• First place:  A year of Netflix
• Second place:  $50 to AMC Theatres

I thought a year in movies would be freaking awesome!  Honestly, any of it would be nice.  Let’s enter.  I entered just before Christmas of last year by following the account and retweeting.  I even made a mental note to unfollow their account in about a month or two (gotta give them time to see I did what they asked) in case their posts were bogus.

January 2012 rolls around and I get a message:

You’ve been selected as the winner of Nextmovie’s Movietracker Holiday Giveaway! Email me back at [username]@mtvnmix.com to confirm.  Please email within 48 hours to hold on to your grand prize, or else someone else will be eligible to win it.

Wait.  What?

I emailed him back IMMEDIATELY.  “I confirm!”

Seconds later, I went to read up on the three prizes again.

• Second prize (5 winners) is actually a $50 gift card to AMC.  That makes sense.
• First prize (2 winners) is a year to Netflix.  Well, I don’t really want that.  I pay for Netflix now and have a hard time keeping up.  I’m a TV person.  When I’m home and I see a movie and a TV show, I go for the TV show because it’s only 30 minutes or an hour.  I can get entertained and move on with my life.  And besides, would I have to cancel my paid account, open up a new account for a year?  It seemed to not be a gift card, but an actual subscription.  Sounds complicated.
• The grand prize (1 winner) is actually a $299 gift card to AMC!  Of course, that would be awesome.  But there’s only one winner.

I look at the message again and it said GRAND PRIZE!!  Wait…..what?  I look again.  DID I GET THE GRAND PRIZE!?  The message sure did read like a copy and paste kind of thing.  I email the address to see what I really won.  Was it the grand prize?  His reply.

You did indeed.

I GOT THE FREAKING GRAND PRIZE!!!!  It took a month to arrive (…..the longest month EVER), but it’s here!!!!

(Of course, I didn’t trust it, so I checked the balance online.  $299!!!!!!!!)

LESSON LEARNED:  Always enter contests.  You never know when you’re going to win!!!

Side note:  So I got $299.  A year in movies, right?  Well, sort of.  In Manhattan, a movie costs $13.  So if I wanted to take a friend with me, and then I got a drink and popcorn, guess what?  I would get to got to the movies EIGHT TIMES.  Okay, so no drinks and popcorn.  ELEVEN TIMES (plus one time alone).  WHAT?!  What would really allow me a year in movies?  If I go to the matinee (which isn’t a matinee anymore:  just the ONE show at or around noon) by myself, THEN I would get 48 movies.  Now THAT is a year in movies!!  

I was scheduled to work a party in the Hamptons, which is about a 2 hour drive from New York.  I was late that day, so I hustled to get there on time, arriving sweaty.  My five co-workers and I piled into the van and I immediately requested the a/c on high.  Oh man, that cold air felt so good.

Five minutes into our trip, we were already deep into conversation, so someone requested the a/c be turned to low to hear better, which at that point, I was fine with.  We were talking about our job, our company, and the drama from the past few days.

About 10 minutes later, I started noticing I was having shortness of breath.  My anxiety started to rise.

Oh shit, I thought, not another panic attack.

If there is one thing that scares me the most, it is having physical reactions in my body that I can’t explain.  Hate it.  I’ve had panic attacks before and I have learned some coping mechanisms.  Basically, it is about mind over body.

Yes, you’re feeling these feelings, but they are irrational, Leigh.  You’re going to be fine.

I knew from previous experiences to let the panic rise.  What’s the worst case scenario?  Panic.  That’s it!  It’ll go away.  I disengage from the conversation and start focusing on relaxing.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Deep breath.

Damn it, I can’t seem to get enough oxygen.

My panic starts to rise more.  I start to think about my day.

I worked out really, really hard before I came.  I didn’t get enough sleep.  I’m genuinely happy to be working, but not thrilled I’m going to the Hamptons.  Is this why this is happening?

I drink some water.  Still not helping.

I’m in a car full of guys and I start contemplating the embarassing conversation of asking if we could pull over because of my panic attack.  Oh man, not wanting to have this conversation.  Panic rising.

Why is this happening?!?

I take a really deep breath and sigh very loudly, almost acknowledging publicly that I’m uncomfortable.  I actually start to sweat.

Suddenly, Tyler asks, “Are you guys breathing heavy too?”

Wait, what did he say?  Is it not just me??

Everyone agrees!  “Oh, I thought it was only me!”  “I’m breathing heavy too.”  “You too?”  “Are your lips blue?”

We quickly determine that it must be the A/C!!  We all open any possible window and turn off the a/c.  Within a couple of minutes, we’re all feeling significantly better.  How odd!

After some internet searching, we determine we were experiencing carbon monoxide poisoning!!  We found out just in the nick of time.  Thanks to Tyler simply saying what he noticed, he saved us from fainting, getting sick, or worse!!

Out of the six of us, two of the guys, both in the front seat, were still feeling symptoms for the next hour.  Thankfully, after an hour or two, we all started to feel fine again.

Later in the ride, we all compared stories.  Turns out that everyone had their own backstory.  Mark thought his shortness of breath was just because he was unhappy to be working.  Marc only noticed subconsciously that he started to breathe heavier and didn’t think much of it.  Tyler, our savior, thought he was feeling anxiety about our conversation, regarding our company, but it didn’t add up to him.  Nothing we were discussing was that personal to him.  He noticed Mark breathing heavy, then heard me sigh really loudly, which gave him the clue.

We got very lucky thanks to Tyler simply saying how he felt.  Thanks Tyler!