When you have bronchitis, never drink beer. You will vomit on yourself through your nose, and it will hurt for days. LFMF..

If you read LFMF you would know not to cut a jalapeño pepper with your hands and then use the bathroom. It would also not take burning your eye as well to put two and two together as to why your male anatamy burns. #LFMyCousinsF

Bubblegum and lip rings should never mix, especially that brand new $40 lip ring you just got #LFMF

When doing the dishes remember that the pure corkboard cutting board you put in the dishwasher isn't dishwasher safe. It will come apart when you try to take it out. #LFMF

Never assume that your boss knows the meaning of LOL. Months later when he mistakenly mentions it as meaning 'lots of love' and you correct him, it will leave an awkward silence in the room. #LFMF

You know you've had too much cafeine when you start to feel SLEEPY after a Coke. #LFMF

If you're playing Minecraft, and you're using the Transparent texture pack, and you're entertained by the zombie that's wandering aimlessly through your personal mine, you desperately need to get a life. #LFMF

Beware of food look-alikes. That innocent looking green pepper piece might be a piece of a really spicy pepper, and that foreign bean look-alike just might also be something really spicy. You will be fortunate if nobody notices your really red face. #LFMF

When using a sharp object (such as fingernail clippers) to remove an unwanted growth from your body before you crawl in bed, do so before removing your glasses, not after. #LFMF

Make sure that you have toilet paper BEFORE YOU CRAP!

Remember that your mother has an even dirtier mind than you before asking any questions. You will ask "What does 'shucking the corn' mean?" in a very awkward tone of voice, and she will burst into laughter. You will have no idea why this is funny. #LFMF

Just because the store brand anti-histamine is on sale for $10 off the original price doesn't mean it's a great buy. Not all medication is made alike, and sometimes the wrong amount of something will actually enhance your symptoms. #LFMF

When your cat starts "reminding" you of its feeding schedule you might think it's pretty smart. Actually, your cat is learning just how much it can annoy you before you get up to feed it, which makes you pretty dumb. #LFMF

You cannot blow out a candle while brushing your teeth. You can however spit out a candle. #LFMF

Good idea: Finally working up the courage to try a frontflip off the diving board. Bad idea: Hesitating on your final bounce before you go off. You will land flat on your back. It will hurt a lot, and your back and booty will be numb for several minutes. #LFMF

Having to use Startup Repair once is bad enough, but if you have to do it again a few days later, you need a new computer. #LFMF

Always check all jeans pockets for cash, especially when you thought earlier when you put that cash in that pocket that you mustn't forget it before a wash. Make sure that this month you aren't broke either.

Good idea: Going to the vote page after submitting a fail to see it. Bad idea: Not getting the catch that, whenever you post a fail, that fail and all the ones submitted three days afterward will rarely appear.

Okay, so you just found out that your new boss watches a show that you like. Don't assume that he has watched as much as you have. Giving away spoilers is one of the quickest ways to get on somebody's bad side. #LFMF

When having a s**t, make sure you sit forward or you will lean back and the back of the toilet WILL be covered in brown stuff. #LFMF

Never shave your balls when you're in a pissy mood. Just don't. #LFMF

Even if you think that the cactus behind your table at the Texas Roadhouse is fake, it is still not a good idea to poke it. Cacti naturally look like plastic and cactus needles will naturally stick to your hand when touched. #LFMyFriend'sDad'sF

When at a sleepover party, know that your scary tolerance is much higher than most other people's. Do NOT suggest the movie Devil, unless you like sleeping with the lights on. #LFMF

Make plans for the summer, or your folks will make them for you. Said plans will include many difficult, tedious chores. #LFMF

When the instructions to your project say, "We recommend that you wear gloves when handling the metal straps," WEAR GLOVES, or deal with a pain 10x worse than a paper cut, on several fingers. To add insult to injury, you still have to finish the dang project. #LFMF

When your daughter shares your nook account because you don't trust her with a credit card and unlimited books, remember that she can see all of the books that you buy, ALL of them, in her library, too, before you buy the Fifty Shades Trilogy and several Nora Roberts novels. She knows more than you think she does. #LFMyMom'sF

When signing your daughter into your work computer because she doesn't know the password, it doesn't matter how hard you actually press "Login." Your laptop is not an iPad, it won't work unless you use the mouse. Firmly pressing on the screen with your thumb WILL result in tiny cracks in the middle of the screen and both your daughters who witnessed this WILL tell anyone and everyone who'll listen. #LFMMother'sF

Good idea: Keeping baby wipes handy in the bathroom. Also a good idea: Keeping disinfecting cleaning wipes handy in the bathroom. Potentially disasterious idea: Not making absolutely certain you've grabbed the right one when you go to wipe your butt. #LFMF

Good idea: Learn to make Hummus. Not as good idea: Eat nothing but hummus and bread for 2 meals. Very bad idea: Do so when your digestive system is having issues already. painful hour long atomic garlic fart sessions at 3am are no fun. #LFMF

Remember those Hostess snowballs you bought and then promptly hid because you went on a diet? Well, finding them 2 months later and thinking "These never go bad, right?" will leave your office mate in hysterics after you become violently ill. #lfmf

Good idea: Thoroughly disinfecting the bathroom after your cat has an accident (or 3) Ok idea: uUoom. Crap idea: Using diluted bleach to clean the bathroom when you are extremely sensitive to ammonia. #LFMmigraineF

You may be the biggest Doctor Who fan ever, but never watch the episode "Blink" right before you go to bed. Especially if you have a cat. #LFMF

Great Idea- Taking yourself and newlywed wife to a beach for a honeymoon. Good Idea- Shaving face, back, shoulders and "down bellow" area (for sexytimes). Another Good Idea- Going to the beach for a swim. Terrible Idea- Going to the beach right after shaving. Your body will feel as if it were engulfed in the flames of Oblivion. #LFMF

When you are asked by a French photographer to have your picture taken in the street, do not tell your overly paranoid mother the next day. She has watched Taken and you will spend the next ten minutes calming her down. #LFMF

If you usually keep your nails cut short because you have a tendency to scratch your arms and face at night, it's a good idea to take off those fake nails you put on before a party. Especially if you're planning to stay the night and don't want to get woken up at some absurd hour of the morning from your friend screaming blue murder when she sees patches of dried blood all over your face. #LFMF

When eating strawberry yogurt while browsing the internet at work, please try to notice if some yogurt falls in your lap. One of your employees will be concerned about your health when you walk by covered in red goop, and you will spend the next several hours looking like you peed yourself -LFMF

Don't give your 3 year old daughter, who still puts everything in her mouth, a penny to play with. #LFMyHusbandsFail

If your chemistry teacher feels like having a "fun" lab and teaches the class how to make bouncy balls, do NOT throw it while in the lab. You cannot make the ball perfectly round (at least with the most common method used by chemistry classes) and it will go all over the place, including into the glass containers that hold the lab's acids. #LFMClassmate'sF

Don't fap during a thunderstorm. your house will get struck by lightning and you will not be very prepared to put out the fire. #LFMF

If you're waiting for a chance to see the new Batman movie and you don't want spoilers, then you should probably stay out of the superheroes section of Memebase for a while. #LFMF

If you want to be romantic and buy $100 worth of fireworks because the girl you like was on vacation out of the country on the 4th of July, be sure she's not going to friendzone you after your awesome fireworks display. #LFMF

When chewing gum, remember you are wearing a surgical mask before blowing a bubble. #LFMF

Girls, while shaving your legs, you'll probably want to use your non-razor hand at the same time to slide along and check for smoothness. Just don't get too close; it's all too easy to come along with the razor, catch a fingernail of the other hand, and rip it right down to the skin. #LFMF

Never ever write down something on a whiteboard with a PERMANENT marker. #LFMF

Never play peek-a-boo with a dog. Your face will thank you. #LFMF

When staying in a hotel room with your brother, for the love of god, check who's knocking before opening the door. You might think it's your mom and try to be funny and make the NO face and answer, but it's really a housekeeper. A really shocked housekeeper. #LFMF

Find your bright pink vibrator BEFORE your friends come over, or they will... prominently displayed on your bedside table. #LFMF