Life and Lore of Lobo

It Would Be So Easy

2021-06-03T11:19:00.001-04:00

... wouldn't it?

Less Than We Think, More Than We Realize

2020-07-31T14:29:00.001-04:00

A terrible thing, is a name. It gives power. It changes the rules.

The more names it has, the more lives it has. Each name gives it a new head, a new disguise.

The only crime is theft.

Theft of life.

Theft of land.

Theft of time.

Theft of history.

Theft of identity.

Theft of integrity.

Theft of innocence.

Theft of knowledge.

Theft of ... things.

We steal from ourselves, we steal from each other. And nobody gains anything, so, the world cries, how can it be theft if it vanishes into nothingness? Surely somebody must gain when another loses? So inured are we to selfishness and capitalism, that we can scarcely comprehend a world where nobody wins.

It comes in so many shapes and sizes, genders, colours, creeds, clothes, and constitutions. The race who knows we're all different, but refuses to believe we're not the same. The 'race' that nobody can win. The ideas and ideals that define us.

You can never create or destroy an idea in its entirety unless you embrace it at its roots, knowing what and where and how it is. Things, like us, that think for themselves, can destroy themselves, with as little as a single word at the critical time - but not so for things that have no distinct corporeal form. Ideas have so many names, and we, with our insatiable compulsion to categorize everything, we give every idea a new life in every definition.

The institutions that we use to hurt each other will never go away as long as we give them different names, as long as we give them power. Racism, sexism, 'colorism', casteism, all the '-isms' that you can imagine. If we are all one species, then all of them are different ways of saying "you are different from me, and therefore I am apart from you." Far too often, it is "therefore I am better than you." Each time, the same idea with a different face, a different name, a different excuse, and different rules.

So much complexity, simply because we know too much.

Oh My Darling, Quarantine

2020-04-20T05:54:00.000-04:00

Children believe what they're told, generally. That's basically what they're there for ... at least at first. Questions come later, if you've done your job well. Answers aren't too important.

What do children believe who haven't been told what to believe? And those who believe but never question?

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe answers do matter.

Does the answer to the question "What's the matter?" matter?

A New Hope

2019-12-06T20:26:00.001-05:00

So this is what having self esteem and validation feels like.

Positive feedback

2019-11-15T21:00:00.001-05:00

People who tell you to 'get over it' and 'learn to love yourself' don't realize how much other people's words and feelings can matter when you've been alone and insecure all your life. When your self-love comes from your service to others, it's difficult to explain to people who don't think the same way, since so many of us have been molded to believe that "the first person you should care about is yourself".

And when I find a reason to be more secure in myself, the unseen difficulty is that I have to hold myself back from dumping all my years of inadequacy and loneliness on her so that, for once, just once, I can feel human.

But that's not exactly what this is about.

This is about simple pleasures, and consent, and confidence.

She gave me her consent to make her happy, and by God, I did make her happy. Her happiness and her trust makes me more content than anything else - now I have the solid confidence to say I know what makes me happy in life, and it is simultaneously the most and the least selfish thing in the world.

But maybe I'm needlessly abstract. That's what overthinking does to you.

It's nice to know I'm good with my hands. At least some part of me is good for something greater than myself.

Pain, Pain, Go Away

2019-11-03T13:46:00.001-05:00

Title says it all, really, don't you think?

It strikes again. And just when I thought I might start to make something of myself ... I don't know if I can power through this.

And as usual, yes, I know, other people have worse problems ... and yes, I know that doesn't invalidate my issues ... and yes, I am painfully aware this is useless mental griping.

At least if existential agony burned some calories I might have had something to show for it. As it is, with the brain using a full 25% of all the oxygen taken in by the body, I feel underwhelmed by the results.

Somebody tell me why I'm doing this, again?

The Strongest Among Us

2019-10-11T12:52:00.001-04:00

Somebody who's strong can hurt others.

I keep myself weak so that the only thing I hurt is myself.

Self-importance

2019-09-10T08:39:00.001-04:00

Some people are really fond of saying "If something is really important enough to you, you'll find a way to make it happen".

I know exactly how important it is. I lay awake at night thinking of the things that are important to me.

I don't think they are capable of understanding that I don't feel I am important enough.

Consent

2019-05-23T02:27:00.002-04:00

When you choose to scale a mountain, you never ask how the mountain feels about it.
When you eat a sandwich, you never ask the bread or meat for its consent.
When you run a race, you never ask the finish line (or anyone else) if you can cross it.
When you fly in an aeroplane, you never ask gravity if it consents to being defied.
When you play an instrument, you never ask the instrument if it wants to be played.
When you watch TV, you never ask the TV before turning it on.
When you sleep, you never ask your bed if it is ready to be slept in.

.
.
.
.
.
.

But what about other people?
What about the only people that matter to me?
What about me?

How do they feel?
How will I feel if they do not feel as I feel? What right do I have to their feelings?
What possible justification can I give that would convince them to grant me their consent, even once?

To achieve the trust of fellow human being is so much more difficult than to conquer a goal. Because how they feel about it is so intrinsically important.

Attachment

2019-04-24T03:42:00.000-04:00

I remember when I was a child, someone somewhere got me a Tamagotchi electronic pet.
I remember wanting to take care of it.
I remember that my aunt saw it and threw it away calling it "a devilish influence".
I remember crying.

I remember my brother deleting my entire music collection of about fifty songs in the late 90s. He will never appreciate how bad that hurt me.

I remember feeling the shock in my chest when I found out that Ellie died in 2013, even though I barely knew her.
She was a wonderful person.

I remember nearly getting my friend and I killed while taking an unauthorized U-turn on a major highway in Goa.

I remember Chenoa hugging me hard in 2015 and me wishing she would never let go.

I remember first seeing Hemangi when I arrived in Mumbai and subconsciously praying to see her again even though I don't pray.

I remember, I remember.

I remember, when I was growing up, never feeling comfortable sleeping unless I was holding on to at least two, maybe three, more pillows than I actually needed.

I wish I could forget.
I wish I could remember what I've already forgotten.

But most of all -

I wish ... I wish I know how to not care.

Just ... The Worst

2019-03-19T09:14:00.001-04:00

Perspective is the most terrible curse of sentience.

Women's Day

2019-03-08T04:07:00.000-05:00

For my birthday ...

Give me a chance to make you happy.

A Rock And A Hard Place

2019-01-22T03:37:00.003-05:00

I had dinner with her.

The pain resumes in my chest yet again. I should never have even suggested a meal; to think I could deal with my malformed emotions is but a fevered madman's dream.

And I would die inside if I were to lose her friendship. But, to me, how could she ever remain a friend?

I wish we had never met. Would she agree?

Genuine Happiness

2018-12-21T12:57:00.001-05:00

Why is it that all the things that make me feel less like dying involve making women feel more alive?

And why do I have to justify it?

Connection

2018-12-20T03:10:00.001-05:00

If you read this, it's already too late. You're trapped in the same cruel simulation that drives all of our lives.

Why do I even bother? It's not like I've got a chance ... she said so herself. With everything she represents, how could I even hope to compete for her attention?

I believe what people tell me. That's what children are wired to do, after all, aren't they? Wired to learn and accept what they are told to be true.
You have to be taught to think constructively. You have to be taught to question, or at least to question with purpose.

Nobody taught me to think the thoughts that humans need to succeed. And yet I am shamed for my inability.

Without those thoughts, I am unworthy, incomplete, unfulfilled, unloved, and any number of other adjectives.

Even teddy bears need hugs, or so I've tried telling myself. The truth will set you free ... free from everything but the truth.

Learning Curve

2018-10-11T22:58:00.000-04:00

Honestly, there are so many truths that people simply cannot face for the sake of their own sanity.

Look up the case of Genie, the girl who resonates within my thoughts every so often. She and I aren't so different ... I mean, of course we are different people, but it's worth highlighting the occasional metaphorical parallels I seem to notice.

God, I feel sick even thinking to compare my life to hers. It's honestly laughable how much our privilege shows in thoughts like those.

The first truth: that people can be so depraved as to let this happen. But the Holocaust, Armenian genocide, Trail of Tears, Rwandan genocide, Unit 731, the Fritzl case, comfort women - and innumerable other examples - more than suffice to demonstrate what our lizard-brains are capable of ignoring and/or rationalizing.

But that's not it ... it's not exactly it, is it?

No, she was effectively raised in a box, and it hurts to say that, in a metaphorical sense, so was I. Not the literal box she was raised in, no. And certainly not with the malicious intent that was evident in her case.
But intent really matter (answer: it does, if barely) when the results are so crushing?

A box is a set of limitations.
They exist whether self-imposed or externally begotten. And it's an interesting thought experiment: who is the true explorer - 1) one who ventures but does not realize that the box exists, or 2) one who is aware of the box's existence and yet ventures anyway?
I lie, of course, in that hard to accept third category: I neither explored my limitations, nor did I realize there was a box to explore and test the limitations of.

Did Genie ever truly learn that the physical world outside was real? I don't know. And we will surely never know, ourselves. But whatever her perception, could you judge her for it, in good faith?

No, I don't know, I'm rambling. But the reason her case is brought up is something so vital, so fundamental to our development that we overlook it completely: the curvature of our learning ability. No, there no such thing as "it's never too late" ... because in order to learn new things, one must first learn how to learn. Much, much more than the innate learning ability of a baby - the ability to discriminate and correlate the otherwise overwhelming vastness of our environments.

The fact that I have the presence of mind to try to analyze my situation and draw conclusions (however misinformed) is so humbling and depressing - would Genie have been able to do the same at all?

Look - I really don't know what I'm trying to say here. Perhaps I've lost the ability to maintain a coherent train of thought?

No, scratch that ... I remember now. The fact that there are certain things that MUST be learned during a critical period in a person's development, or else these are skills that will be unattainable within a reasonable framework.

I missed out on social development in a relatively small way in relation to Genie, but in a relatively big way in relation to my peers. I'm working to fix myself but I hate myself enough that my progress will forever be crippled.

Yes, it's never too late to start.
But there is a point at which it will be too late to finish.
And I am not so strong of a person that I could keep fighting on my own.

Inquiry

2018-09-02T07:45:00.002-04:00

I've always felt that I ask people too many questions sometimes, or perhaps speak patronizingly.

Multiple people have assured me that this is not the case, but how do I know they're not just saying what they think I want to hear? Such is the insidiousness of self-esteem.

One thing people rarely consider is that perhaps I'm not asking the questions for their sake, but for my own.

Transformation

2018-08-31T23:17:00.001-04:00

It may be worth noting that, for what feels like the first time in my life, I had a win this past Sunday (26th August 2018). You may be wondering why I would want to be so specific on the date... well, isn't that how you keep track of personal milestones?

I can already hear certain guys in my life if I were to tell them... "what a softie", "you gotta take what you want", "think about yourself, bro".

I made the night about her, and I am so profoundly glad that I did. I'm sure she feels the same, too. Not bad for a first time, especially in 28 years. It's never particularly bothered me that I am a virgin, because sex never is or was my goal. So it doesn't surprise me that at the conclusion of my experience I am still *technically* a virgin, and proud of it.

It's experiences like these that make life worth living. Now I just need to get a life.

On a related, abstract note, this is a special case of the general notion that focusing on the equality of the sexes, and the well-being of women in particular (due to the many centuries of female disenfranchisement), is actually better for everyone in the long run.

Spiral

2018-07-23T14:06:00.001-04:00

It just slowly gets more difficult.

A self-sustaining reaction can never exist without certain prerequisites; if the conditions are not fulfilled, everything fizzles.

I've never been one to try to defy the laws of nature. And if I was ever lucky enough for the conditions to be right, I was too ignorant to know.

Because every human is always born with all the knowledge they need, clearly.

Epiphany

2018-07-08T02:15:00.002-04:00

The only thing standing in the way of my dreams is the fact that the person having those dreams is me.

Downside

2018-06-22T07:30:00.001-04:00

I wish I could ignore the women I see as effortlessly as my brain forgets people's names who have introduced themselves to me three times over.

How honest is too honest? How do people not be honest and still call themselves people? Or is it human to be dishonest?

Why, why, why. I never drank alcohol, I never smoked or anything else traditionally questionable. I know how all the damned anti-drug PSAs always say "Just say no" ... how do you refuse something you've never been offered? I never explicitly said no, so am I secretly a druggie?

Each day is a constant reminder that I hate going alone.
Come out for a smoke? I don't smoke.
Come out for a drink? I don't drink.
Come out for the game? I don't follow games.
Come out for the band? I don't have money for the ticket.
Come out for church? Just ... no.

Come out? ... I don't.

Do I want to?
Do you want me to? Really?
Self-esteem is trickier than Loki ever could hope to be.

Fuck, even Jim Carrey's dumbass character in Yes Man had friends who he was comfortable enough to say no to and yet who dragged him along. No doubt Zooey Deschanel helped, I'm guessing ...

Existence is a constant lie. I tell these people I have a plan when I can barely see past the next day - not for lack of trying!

Who are you, to me?

Want vs Need

2018-05-10T00:38:00.001-04:00

I don't want to be needed.
I highly doubt anybody truly wants that.

I need to be wanted.
Tell me you disagree.

In Theory

2018-04-19T22:28:00.001-04:00

I know how to communicate with people.

I know how to pleasure a woman.

I know how to perform CPR and the Heimlich maneuver.

I know how to build a computer.

I know how to write programs.

I know how to be happy for the rest of my life.

I know how to write novels and symphonies.

-------

Theoretically, anyway.

When I'm ...

2018-04-19T11:11:00.001-04:00

When I'm depressed, I eat.

I'm depressed a lot of the time.

---

When I'm lonely, I am depressed.

I have been emotionally and physically alone for most of my formative years, which, unsurprisingly, carries over to my adult life.

---

How do you describe being "sheltered" to people who have all had some form of social life imposed upon them - whether for better or for worse - and then explain that that sheltering wasn't intentional?

Fuck fuck fuck.

---

Burning out in your early 20s sucks ass in ways that are just ... unfair.

Bright Side

2018-03-20T12:17:00.001-04:00

Perhaps I can take solace in the fact that I will literally never ever get a STD.