Life Happens...

The Purpose of Purpose

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 21:55:00 +0000

“Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive; because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Harold Thurman

If you have been receiving my coaching tips for a while you may remember an article I sent out called “The Game of Joy”. In this I wrote about why it is your purpose is to experience true happiness through the way you live your life. I talked about joy as being the ultimate goal for everyone regardless of what they do or how they go about it. The real premise of the this is that you are far more likely to find your ‘calling’ if you are already living from a space of love and happiness than if you were to wait for inspiration to strike before experiencing that joyful state.

The feedback and comments I received about that article were amazing! It seems it really struck a chord with a lot you. So much so that I want revisit the subject of living your life’s purpose. I really do feel I could write it forever!

There are so many teachers, philosophies and insights that have inspired me over the years to realise my own life’s purpose but, despite those countless hours of learning, the principle of what a purposeful life constitutes can be summed up in very few words. This is what it means to me:

Living a life of purpose is to be of service to the world in a way that brings you joy.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have met and been taught by many different people who have been completely connected to a strong sense of purpose in their lives. What captivates me about each and every one of them is their capacity to handle life’s challenges with grace and benevolence. No matter what they encounter they always seem to know just what to do to keep moving. But not only that, they do it with an aura of peace and wisdom. It is not that their lives are necessarily easier or harder than anybody else’s but that when tough times do occur, it is their conviction in their purpose that seems to illuminate an obvious path for them to follow.

I’ve also realised that, on some level, they see life’s challenges as opportunities to reaffirm their connectedness to their purpose. It is as if problems just magnify their feeling of certainty for what they believe in. In other words, when their purpose is put to the test they always find a way of ending up closer to the ultimate goal – experiencing joy.

But perhaps the most fascinating thing about each of these inspiring people that that when we look at what their purpose is based on there is a consistent common theme. The joy they experience is always derived from them being of service in some way. I’ve don’t think I’ve ever met a truly joyful person who hasn’t felt that their actions contribute towards a meaningful difference in the world, be that to other people, animals or the environment.

When Abraham Maslow created 'The Hierarchy of Needs’ he suggested that everyone is driven by the desire to become a self-actualised individual. This is the ‘state of being’ where all of our physical, social, emotional, moral and intellectual needs are taken care of. What is not so widely publicised though is that even Maslow recognised that once a person has reached a self-actualised state, that is not the end of the story. He considered that self-actualisation is really a platform for giving yourself back to the world. The reason we spend our lives making sure our own needs are catered is so that we are fully equipped to live a life of service to others.

But what does being of service really mean?

Well the good news is that it does not mean sacrificing your own desires to keep others happy. But equally it is not about doing things with the aim of making a material gain for yourself either.

Being of service in relation to your purpose is about the focus of your intention as you go about doing whatever it is that you love to do. It is about shifting your thinking away from “What’s in it for me?” and towards “How can I provide value?”

There is no greater source of connectedness that you can feel than the connection the world makes with you in appreciation of the difference you make.

That does not mean that you have to make monumental contributions every moment of every day, but that when you have the genuine intention to be of service it becomes a thread that runs through just about everything you do and say. In fact, it is the smaller consistent gestures you make that accumulate into a personal environment where your spirit stays lifted and you feel more and more engaged with life.

Some people have wonderfully big aspirations of creating massive positive change in the world, but often feel unfulfilled and frustrated because their day-to-day commitments limit their ability to make that kind of significant impact. You are more likely to have a meaningful and positive presence in the world through your small daily actions than if you wait until you are rich enough, free enough, confident enough or famous enough to make one gargantuan statement.

If your one wish is to put an end to world hunger, the best place to start is to find one hungry child and give her a banana!

What I find extremely exciting is that to start living a service oriented life you don’t really have to change that much. The quickest way to make the shift is to take a look at everything you are already doing – including the role you play in the lives of others – and assess what your intention has been in each of these areas. Have you been looking for what you can gain, or what you can give?

For example, if you secretly know you have been leaning too heavily on your friends or family, hoping that they will somehow come and make your life better for you; ask yourself what you can do to be of service to them:

“What can I do to bring them value in our relationship?” or “What is the kindest way for me to be a positive influence in their life?”

Or, in your job, if you have been feeling like a bit of a ‘wage slave’, what opportunity can you create to give more from your unique talents and personality. Perhaps you can serve others by being that bright spirit that boosts morale. Perhaps you can commit to making one small improvement to a process every day.

If you are an artist, rather than focusing on what you gain personally through the act of creating, connect with how your creations makes a meaningful difference to those who are fortunate enough to experience them. Let this be the WHY of what you do.

Even smiling at someone as you pass them in the street, if done with the intention of brightening their day, is a great demonstration of service based living.

So, if the ultimate goal in life is to experience joy, then the ultimate way of getting there is through the experience of giving yourself back to the world.

I firmly believe that people naturally discover their real purpose when they realise that being of service stems from who they are, rather than what they do.

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HOMEWORK
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Even if you have yet to decided what you want your purpose in life to be, take some time think about how you would love the world to remember you?

If you knew that history will only record the meaningful differences you made to others and the world, what kind of legacy feels really inspiring to you?

Now think about how that can translate into the essence of how you live you life today.

What does that mean in terms of how you serve in your relationships, your work, your community, etc?

And a final question to ponder: If you were to summarise what that says about you in one word, what word would that be:

* Teacher?
* Healer?
* Leader?
* Caregiver?
* Creator?
* Entertainer?
* Or something else...

Maybe you’re closer to discovering your life’s purpose than you think!!

Take great care. Namaste.

The 'Well Wishing' Principle

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 21:55:00 +0000

“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own." - Harold Coffin

Living in London I get to travel on public transport A LOT, and for someone in my line of work that provides a fabulous opportunity to observe the quirkiness of human nature in action. It is never my intention to deliberately earwig on other people’s conversations, but sometimes when you’re on a packed tube (with a stray armpit in your face) it is pretty hard not to!

One such conversation that fascinated me recently was between two female twenty-something office workers who were off-loading their end-of-day grievances to each other. One of them was venting about a guy she works with who had obviously experienced a fortunate end to a tricky situation. This is what she said (and I’ll quote verbatim, so apologies for the language):

“You know it’s so frustrating! No matter what kind of crap he gets himself into he always comes up smelling of roses. He’s so jammy. I hate it!”

While I’ll never know the juicy details of what she was talking about, what really interested me was how her attitude towards her colleague must have been affecting the quality of her own experiences. What was it about this guy’s lucky break that caused her to feel annoyed rather than pleased? How had her annoyance with him influenced the way she had subsequently gone about her own business that day?

Isn’t it intriguing how we can sometimes feel uneasy about other people doing well? But whatever it is that causes us to harbour a bit of ill feeling towards others when they are being successful is also the thing that causes us to block the flow of our own potential to create more of what we want in our own lives. For some people that may be about money, career opportunities, better relationships, nicer stuff, etc… For others it might simply be about having greater peace of mind.

Most of the time we don’t mean to feel negativity towards the success of others and often we don’t even know that we’re doing it. It doesn’t make us bad or undeserving people, it is just what happens when the unconscious mind thinks it is missing out on something important.

By definition, in order to feel threatened, annoyed, frustrated or jealous of what others have, you must also be focusing on what you don’t have. Thinking from within the confines of a ‘lack mentality’ can only ever lead to you seeing (or making up) more and more evidence for why you are not fulfilled. If all you see is lack, then lack is all you get.

I have even had clients tell me that the more they see others prosper the more they get a feeling that there is less prosperity to go around for them. The only reason for thinking like this is if you believe that there is a cap on the amount of abundance the world has to offer. However, even if we bring it back to money there is always more than enough. If we were to split the total amount of money in the world equally amongst the current population, every man, woman and child would be a multi billionaire! So the obvious answer to the question “where is the money going to come from?” is “wherever it is now!”

But of course it is not just money that makes humans feel uneasy when some have it and others don’t. It is also a common trait to resent other people’s luck, their looks, their relationships, their popularity, their status…

So what is the answer? What needs to happen to make a shift away from dwelling on lack and towards the kind of energy that supports you in living your best life?

The answer is to think about that thing that you want for yourself and to want it more for others.

I know that seems a bit odd at first bite, but it is the most powerful way of freeing up your own potential for living out of an ‘abundance mentality’. I call this the ‘Well Wishing’ principle.

Try this out. Take a moment to reflect on the kind of peace of mind you would love to have in your life. How wonderful would it be to spend everyday completely aligned with your most natural peaceful self? When you’ve got a sense of what that must be like, look at the person nearest to you or, if you’re alone, think about someone you saw today, and genuinely wish that same peace of mind for them, only stronger.

Notice what happens to your energy when you do this. Wishing them well begins to open up a path for you to experience that peace that you are looking for. This is a nice demonstration of the notion that what you give away you get to keep. That is the nature of abundance.

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HOMEWORK
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Take some time to check in with how you are doing in your life at the moment. Are there areas that are not living up to how you want them to be?

Go through an honest assessment of how you have been feeling towards other people that you have thought to be doing better than you in a particular way. Pay close attention to your emotional responses and be sensitive to any feelings that resemble jealousy, anxiety, frustration, annoyance, injustice, etc. Sometimes these feelings can be very hard to admit to, especially if they are towards your nearest and dearest, but it is important to be as honest as you can be.

Now imagine that aspect of your life exactly as you would love it to be and step into the feeling of it, as if everything is perfect right now. Then, knowing that you live in an abundant universe, wish more of that same feeling and success to those other people.

Examples:

- If a business competitor is doing really well, wish them even more success and prosperity, knowing that there is more than enough for you too.

- If you think one of your friends is more popular than you, genuinely send them wishes for greater, stronger friendships, knowing that that kind of energy coming from you is naturally attractive to others.

- If someone you know is lucky enough to “always come up smelling of roses”, wish them the continued fortune of always being in the right place at the right time (and then notice what starts to happen to your own ‘luck’).

- When you see people with really nice stuff (flashy cars, big houses, luxury holidays, etc.), hope that they are really enjoying themselves and blissed out on deep gratitude for what they have in their lives.

I hope you enjoyed reading this week’s coaching tip even more than I loved writing it.

Take great care. Namaste.

Your Big Experiment

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 21:53:00 +0000

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.” - Albert Einstein

Over the years it has become apparent to me that for many people on a journey of personal development or spiritual path, the subject of science often doesn't sit very well. It is as if taking a scientific approach to living in the world somehow devalues the ‘art’ of living and finding true fulfilment.

Perhaps this is due to the association of scepticism that science carries with it. When we position it in that light it seems pretty obvious that we don’t want to put our most treasured beliefs and values under a sceptical scientific microscope. I’ve yet to meet anyone who enjoys having their beliefs and behaviours scrutinised with the soul intention of being proved wrong.

I have found in my work, though, that personal development and science have always been able to share a bed quite happily together. This is because (to me anyway) the real purpose of science is not to pick an argument with what we hold to be true, but rather to seek more truth; to keep investigating and experimenting with different approaches in order to discover the true nature of how things work out best for us. This can be applied on multiple levels:

Thought – “I have discovered that when I frame my thinking in this particular way as opposed to other ways I seem to feel happier and more creative, even though my circumstances remain the same.”

Action – “When I do it this new way rather than that old way I seem to get better, quicker results and experience less conflict or resistance.”

Others – “When I interact with other people using this approach rather than that approach they tend to agree with me more and we enjoy a stronger depth of rapport.”

That’s the essence of science!! It is realising that the world and everything in it responds in exactly the right way according to the uniqueness of whatever triggered that response.

If I walk into a well lit room, find the dimmer switch and turn it to the left, the room is likely to go dark. Now, I could get upset by that and blame my luck or convince myself that the world is a cruel and unfriendly place, or I could realise that, due to the nature of electricity and electrical resistor devices, that my action could only ever have led to darkness. If I want the room to be brighter I’d have to experiment by turning the switch the other way. When I get a better result I can take the new learning and ensure that my experience reminds me to do it that way again in the future.

Obviously, that is a ridiculously simplistic example, but principle remains exactly the same when applied to more meaningful and complex aspects of life; how we get things done, how we relate to others and how we treat ourselves. What we see unfolding around us is, for the most part, only a response to what we have specifically done, said or thought. But unlike in the dimmer switch example, where we know it was the action that was misaligned to the desired result, in life we tend not attribute our negative experiences to the specific ways that we went about triggering those effects in the world.

If we consistently find ourselves having the same kinds of conflicts with others it is usually more palatable for us to blame them for being so unreasonable or neurotic!! But all the conflict is alluding to is that the way we have been interacting with them up until now doesn’t create the effect we want. In the same way as we don’t have to know everything about electricity in order to turn a light on, we equally don’t have to understand everything that is going through some else’s head in order to tweak our approach to see if that changes their response.

There is an old Hawaiian saying that I originally heard from Michael Neill. It goes “you can have anything you want in life, but you have to pay… attention”.

This is probably the best advice you could ever adopt. Contrary to what we like to believe we don’t get to choose how the world works. All we can do is be curious as to what naturally occurs within the law of cause and effect as we shift thoughts and behaviour. If what we’re doing isn’t causing the effect want, that’s great news. It means we don’t have to do it that way again! And because we are not in control of the way the world (or the Universe, or nature) works, then that means we don’t have to beat ourselves up about getting it wrong. When all is said and done, you are simply conducting one big experiment in Life’s great science lab.

Some may think that is too much of a cavalier attitude, but it is actually a pretty healthy way of looking at things. Regardless of your personal values or spiritual beliefs, being willing to pay attention to what happens in the world in relation to what you think, say or do, and to keep trying out new approaches (even if you don’t fully understand why things haven’t worked out the way you hoped) means you are only ever getting closer to what you really want. Doing the same things over and over whilst expecting a different result is like trying to push a square peg through a round whole (and it will drive you mad!!)

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HOMEWORK
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Think about what is going on in your life right now and pick an area where you have not been experiencing the kind of outcomes you want. That may be to do with your goals, your relationships, your finances, your health, your work…

Now think about what you have been thinking, saying or doing repeatedly despite the fact that the same result keeps cropping up time and again.

Next, grab a piece of paper and write down at least 5 other ways you could look at, speak about, or respond to that same situation that you haven’t considered before. If you need inspiration, contemplate how your most trusted advisors might do it differently.

Now, here’s the fun part. Pick one of those new ideas and go out there and play with it. Remember, you’re not looking for this to be the answer to all your problems, you’re just experimenting with cause and effect. As and when you do it in that new way take a step back and, with a genuine curiosity, pay close attention to how the world (or other people) responds differently than before. Be patient.

If that new way still doesn’t get you what you want, move onto another idea from your list and give that one a go. Keep experimenting, adapting and tweaking, but most importantly, keep going!

Take great care. Namaste.

Writing Yourself Happy

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 21:49:00 +0000

“Writing is an exploration. You start from nothing and learn as you go.” - E. L. Doctorow

I have written and spoken many times about strategies for creating authentic happiness, and the recurring theme has always been “Happiness is not something you can pursue; it is who you are”. Experiencing the kind of lasting happiness that can maximise your overall satisfaction with life is less about accumulating and more about acknowledging and allowing; to make a genuine connection with that quiet part of you that has always been ok regardless of your circumstances and the stories you tell yourself about what is going on (or not going on as the case may be).

As happiness expert Dr. Robert Holden would put it, “To be truly happy is to finally end the search”.

There are many ways to access your natural wellbeing that are far more effective than trying to ignore your problems and convince yourself you are happy, “No, really… I AM happy”. One of the most powerful and rewarding techniques is to practice writing about specific positive aspects of your life in a way that pushes the pleasure buttons in your brain.

Now, I doubt that I am the first personal development bod to harp on at you about the benefits of putting your thoughts onto paper, but here I’m not so much referring to writing in order to clarify your goals or to keep track of your progress and development. I’m not even talking about writing to help you make sense of things. I’m talking about writing for writing’s sake; to take advantage of the profoundly different psychological effect that writing has on your neurology as compared with speaking or daydreaming.

Humans are designed to be happy. It has been hardwired into our make up to return to a natural state of wellbeing when we are not experiencing stress. The issue for many, though, is that stressful thoughts linger on in the imagination long after any real stressful event has passed (and often on events that either didn’t or won’t take place at all). This causes the natural path back to wellbeing to get a bit clogged up. What we need is a way of cutting through the debris.

Extensive research by Positive Psychologists shows that giving people exercises to do that require them to focus on particular positive aspects of their life consistently increases their happiness over the long term. It has been shown to be even more potent when participants are asked to engage in written activities. The act of writing about happiness related topics causes the brain to make deeper, more meaningful connections that not only improve your mood in the moment, but that ensures the happy effect sticks around long after your conscious attention has been directed elsewhere.

I explain the difference as being, when we speak (either out loud or to ourselves) we are simply narrating our thoughts. When we stop speaking, those thoughts dissolve like chalk being wiped off a blackboard. When we write, however, we have to go on a deeper search in order to bring the meaning to life within a well constructed sentence. We are essentially stirring up the river bed of our knowledge and experience, on which the unconscious continues to ponder long after the writing has ended. After all it takes a while for a river bed to settle down.

There are a set of common ingredients for happiness that we are all naturally programmed to enjoy, and when we focus on each of them we cannot help but feel an elevated level of wellbeing. These ingredients include:

- The experience of experiencing gratitude
- Remembering happy times from the past
- Fantasising about a great future
- Acknowledging the importance of others in our lives
- Reviewing our recent successes

Regularly setting aside little windows of time to write about these areas gives your mind a wonderful opportunity to steer itself in an upwardly happy direction. Literally spending 5 minutes a day on one of these topics, and alternating the topics you write about, not only keeps your spirits lifted but, according to the research results, is highly likely to make your more successful too. To me this makes a lot of sense. Being happy brings with it a sense of openness to new possibilities, heightened creativity and a natural desire to keep going. Happiness leads to success far more often than success leads to happiness (are you bored of me saying that yet? :o)
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HOMEWORK
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I’ve stolen this exercise from Professor Richard Wiseman (author of “:59 Seconds – Think a little, change a lot”). It is called ‘The Perfect Diary’. I think its brilliance lies in its simplicity. There is no excuse not to find 5 minutes a day to do this! It covers many of those compelling happiness ingredients and encourages your mind to think more broadly about how you derive deep pleasure from your life:

Unlike a conventional diary or journal, ‘The Perfect Diary’ is designed to simply direct, capture and enhance your happiness thoughts in a different way each day over a five day period (you can have the weekend off for good behaviour!) The purpose is not to try to come up with a right answer or to sensor what you write. Just spend a few minutes freely writing from the heart and then get on with the rest of your day, leaving your unconscious to devour the learning. Repeat again the following week:

Monday: Thanksgiving - Write about a least three things you are truly thankful for in your life. They could be absolutely anything: family / friends, health, food, education, work, nature, etc…. Be sure to cover why you are so grateful for them.

Tuesday: Terrific Times – Cast your mind back over your life and write about one of your happiest memories. You might start of with big events, but as the weeks unfold you could equally write about less official occasions when you just had a really great time. What was it about this time that was so happy?

Wednesday: Future Fantastic – Spend a few moments writing about how you would love your life to be in the future. What has gone really well? How have you grown as a person? What are you doing? Who are you with? It doesn’t matter whether you think this can be achieved, the purpose is to put a smile on your face right now (it's up to your unconscious mind to look for ways to bridge the gap)!

Thursday: "Dear……." – Pick someone in your life who is really important to you and then spend some time writing them a little note to express your love and appreciation for them. What is it that you value about them? What kind of a difference do they make to your life? You don’t have to actually give the letter to the person; the idea is for you to linger on that ‘feel good’ aspect of your life.

Friday: Haven’t you done well!! – Think back over the last week and write down as many things as you can that went well for you. It doesn’t matter how big or small, could be anything from a promotion to a simple compliment; from winning a competition to find a parking space.
I encourage you to keep this up for at least a month so that you can experience for yourself how a just little written focus in the right direction can make your world a very happy place indeed.

Happy writing!

Take great care. Namaste.

Paul

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 15:48:00 +0000

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The Art of Having a Bad Day

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 12:28:00 +0000

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods.” - C.S.Lewis

A lot of personal development teachers and motivational guru’s like to drill home that the key to success is ‘State Management’, i.e. your ability to manipulate your physical and emotional being so that you are constantly aligned with success producing thoughts and actions. In fact, much of what I do in my own work involves helping people understand the structure of their own thoughts and behaviours so that they gain a deeper insight into what does and doesn’t work for them.

But (and it’s a big BUT) somewhere along the line the original message behind why it is important for us to learn how to master our moods has gotten a bit lost in translations. Rather than seeing it as a practice that we CAN undertake, because it is useful in helping us achieve desirable results more quickly and efficiently, the communication that many people actually get is that if you find yourself in anything other than a “I can move mountains” kind of a mood then you must be doing something wrong… or worse, there must be something wrong with you!

This was explained to me several years ago as being the path to “Self Help Hell”; where someone of a personal journey of growth and discovery spends more time beating themselves up about why they are not feeling more empowered, than they do on actually getting more of what they want.

I always cringe when I hear mantras like “You can’t afford the luxury of a negative thought!” Seriously? If there is ever a battle you are guaranteed to lose it has to be that is that one. At best it is just plain energy zapping.

How many of the thoughts that float through your mind in a 24 hour period do you consciously choose to put there? Thoughts come and go in our heads all day long and, for the most part, they happen all by themselves. Some are good, some are bad. Some go by without so much as a ‘hello’ while others jam their foot in the door and insist on an audience. But just because a negative thought comes a knocking, doesn’t mean you have to invite it in for a cup of tea. It’s just a thought! It is only when you sit down with it and say “tell me more” that you emotionally buy into its story.

In order to stop negative thoughts dictating the mood of your day you do not have do somehow overpower them with nicer happy thoughts; you just need to leave them outside on the step. Sure they might shout at you through the letterbox for a bit, but sooner rather than later they’ll just get bored and wander off.

When it comes to having a bad day, the grumpy mood you find yourself in is not the problem. The problem is almost always in you thinking that you shouldn’t be in that mood and that if you don’t do something right away to snap out of it then that will make you a bad person!!

It is not what people usually expect to hear from me but one of the best pieces of advice I can ever give is that it really is OK to let yourself have an off day from time to time. There will be plenty of days for you to be brilliant and move mountains and love everyone you meet, but if today is not that day then go easy on yourself. Have enough trust in yourself (and the laws of nature) to know that if you just let it be, it will soon pass.

It is like having a headache. If, instead of trying to ignore it, overcome it or simply wish it wasn’t happening, you decided to accept that it is there and that you really can be OK with that, then it will naturally dissipate more quickly and of its own accord. Trying to force ourselves into feeling better when we are in a bad mood often just reinforces the loop of increasing frustration and self-flagellation, which of course means we get to feel bad for longer.

HOMEWORK

I encourage you, next time you are having a rubbish day, or you don’t feel like being the master of the Universe, to just ride it out and stick to these three simple rules:

1, Resist looking for reasons WHY you are in a bad mood and just accept that you are (e.g. don’t try to make it someone else’s fault when really you know its not!)

2, Leave it until you are feeling more perky before making important decisions.

3, Ask “What is the kindest way for me to be taking care of myself right now?” Then with what ever comes up, just do that.

Wishing you lots of Happy days!!!

Take great care. Namaste.

The Important 40% of Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 14:12:00 +0000

"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.” - Benjamin Disraeli

I believe we are living in very exciting times when it comes to our understanding of what makes us truly happy in the long term. Up until relatively recently (well, about 10 years ago actually) the general perception of the personal development and self-growth movement was pretty much split down the middle. One half of the camp embraced the theory that “we are what we think” and that we can be powerful beyond measure if we so choose, while the other half would roll their eyes and barely be able to hide their distaste of that “fluffy clap trap!”.

I remember my own internal conflict around that time. While I was hooked on the idea that working on myself and my spiritual path would help me carve out an amazing future - and it has ;o) – at the same time there was another part of me that was just an out and out science guy. I was eager to do as I was told by many of the great philosophers and self-help gurus of the day, but I also wanted to know that there was a solid basis for why I should invest my trust in the principles I was learning.

Notions such as practicing daily gratitude and forgiveness intrigued me. Sure, it felt really good when I did them, but I was kind of left wondering whether I was actually becoming a happier person or if I was just experiencing momentary “nice” feelings.

Perhaps that is why I am such a devout advocate of the field of Positive Psychology; the now officially recognised science of how truly happy people get to be truly happy. Thanks to the work of its founder, Dr. Martin Seligman (and many others since), not only can we continue to put faith into the long trusted principles of personal development and spiritual self-care, but now there is an abundance of empirical evidence to support the fact those principles really do bolster our long term happiness.

Here is one of the most interesting things I’ve learned about the nature of happiness (look for Dr Sonja Lyubomirsky’s brilliant book “The How of Happiness”). Having investigated extensively under strict scientific conditions, psychologists are able to confidently determine that the happiness we experience in our lives is made up of:

50% Genetic “Set Point”
Through clever testing (far too clever to go into here!!) it has been realised that half of all the happiness we feel is due to a natural default level that is different for each of us. This means that unless something absolutely horrific happens to us we will always return to at least our in-build baseline level of happiness after our lives are shaken up in some way (for good or for bad). It would appear this is why some people are better able to pick themselves up after a fall than others. It may also explain why some people seem not to get as excited about exciting events as we think they should!

10% Circumstances
Staggeringly, only 1/10th of our experience of happiness is due to the conditions of our life circumstances. I can almost feel the resistance from some of you as you read this!! (I know it jarred with me at first). It seems completely counterintuitive but, if you are used to living by moderate means, coming into a lot of money will only bring a temporary boost to your happiness at best. If you have always enjoyed good health, a dose of long term illness will not necessarily make you miserable. Leaving a dead end job for a seemingly better one is, more often than not, not all it’s cracked up to be. This is because is it in our nature to adapt to the circumstances of our environment extremely quickly. It is called “hedonic adaption”. Remember a time when you were really excited about buying something new; maybe a car, an item of clothing, or even your house. Now remember how quickly that object felt like any other natural detail of your life.

40% Intentional Activity
Intentional activities are the things that we make a conscious decision to engage ourselves in. Depending on what those activities are we will either experience elevated levels of authentic happiness or simply hang out around our default set point. What the research has uncovered is that the world’s happiest people are those who capitalise on this 40% by routinely doing things that nurture their spirit and help them view their life in a positive way. By making it a habit of immersing themselves in the kind of activities that act a reminder of what is really important to them (see the suggestions in the homework section below), they literally train their neurology to “just be happy”.

We may not be able to control our genetic set point, and changing our life circumstances is only likely to shift our happiness up or down by 10%, but we do have it in our power to choose the quality what we put our efforts and attention onto. The great news is that it is this 40% that can make the most wonderful difference to our overall experience of life.

The moral of the story is, by all means, don’t stop going after all the nice things you want to have in your life (more money, bigger house, nicer car, that promotion, etc) but don’t expect those things to BE the happiness you are looking for.

HOMEWORK

Make a list of the material things you have desired recently (including any external 'symbols of success' such as power and status), where you have believed that having them would make you happier.

Just as an experiment, for 30 days make a commitment to stop working towards getting them and, instead, intentionally engage in one (...or some, ...or all!!) of these daily activities:

Gratitude – At the end of each day think deeply about what you are truly thankful for (people, things, abilities, opportunities, or anything you think of). Make sure you connect emotionally with your gratitude.

Social Connection – Plan to spend more quality time with your friends or find ways to increase your social circle. Have fun.

Acts of Kindness – Do something every day to make a positive difference to the life of someone else (it is important do this out of love and not because you expect something in return ;o). A powerful way for you to really benefit from this is to perform acts of kindness anonymously.

Health and Wellbeing – Make your own wellness a priority and do what you know to do take better care of yourself. Doesn’t have to be a strict fitness regime; could be getting more sleep, drinking more water, take the stairs rather than the lift, eating your 5-a-day, etc. The important thing is to focus on the respect you have for your body and soul.

Nurture Important Relationships – Treat the most important people in your life as if they are the most important people in your life. Identify areas of your relationships that you have been neglecting and bring your focus back to strengthening those bonds.

Meditate – Regularly make time to be quiet and still. Find some relaxing music or get a guided meditation tape to help you, but either way re-master the skill of just being present in this very moment.

Forgiveness – Identify any people, situations or events towards which you have been holding onto resentment. Do whatever you need to do let go, accept and forgive. As Mark Twain once said “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it”

At the end of the 30 days, go back over your original list of ‘wants’ and give an honest assessment as to whether you still want them and, if so, notice if your attitude has changed around what you expect them to get for you.

Wishing you lots of happiness!

Take great care. Namaste.

Paul
www.life-happens.co.uk

The Game of Joy

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 19:36:00 +0000

"Joy is a net of love in which you can catch souls.” - Mother Teresa

There are two things that have always astounded me about us Human Beings. The first is just how complex we can be with our thinking and behaviour. The second is that, despite all our complexities, what drives us at a fundamental level is remarkably simple: The desire to be happy.

Extensive research from the field of Positive Psychology has produced evidence for what many great thinkers have known for some time; that the happiest people are those who live in accordance with their highest values and have a sense of purpose and meaning in their life.

If we were to go a bit deeper and ask the question, “How do you know when you are living a meaningful life?” The answer for most people is likely to be a derivative of “When I get a feeling that I am contributing towards something worthy, good and right.”

However, if we were to continue our line of questioning with “…And what’s important about that? … And what’s important about that?”, there is a better than average chance that the final answer will be something along the lines of “Because it makes me happy.”

So, it could be argued that, when all is said and done (and however you choose to get there) the ultimate purpose of life is to experience authentic joy (I also like to refer to this as ‘love in action’).

It’s a romantic thought I know, but I often wonder, if everyone’s purpose is to experience deep joy, what would happen to the World if everyone on it were to successfully live their purpose? (Perhaps we should leave that to an ex-Beatle to right a song about!)

The interesting thing about joy, though, is that we don’t have to wait until we’ve won the Nobel Peace Prize before we experience it. We just need regular reminders to express ourselves in ways that connect us with that joyful place within us. That may be through engaging in fun and inspiring activities, making a positive difference to another person, or simply choosing to mentally and physically put yourself into a happy and joyful state (see my article “How Do You DO Happiness?”)

A lot of people think they cannot access their true joy because they have yet to discover their life’s purpose. The irony is that people do not find their life’s purpose until they have experienced their joy. It would appear that you need to have come alive before you can have a real effect on the World. It would make sense, then, that you’re far more likely to discover your path of purpose and meaning whilst you are busy having fun than when you are miserable and struggling to find answers.

So, I’ve created a game which I’m calling ‘The Game of Joy’. Woo Hoo!!

Objective:
To score maximum points by experiencing as much joy as you can within a 7 day period.

Rules:
1. Must be completed during a ‘normal week’ (going on holiday to a tropical paradise is cheating!)
2. You can introduce as many creative ways as you like to enhance your daily tasks so that they are more fun to perform. E.g. singing at the top of your voice while doing the washing up; completing that report over a cappuccino in a cafe rather than at your desk; getting someone to tell you a joke every 10 minutes; putting up photos of happy events and / or loved ones where you can always see them…)
3. You can also include as many extra events into the weekly schedule as you like. E.g. going on a date with your spouse, booking a spa treatment, going to a comedy club, taking up a new hobby, getting involved in a community project, etc.
4. Be completely honest with the scoring.

Scoring:
At the end of every morning, afternoon and evening rate the level of joy you have experience out of 10 (Maximum 30 points per day). At the end of the 7 days, tot up your total score:

181 – 210= Living the dream (please share your secret!!)

131 – 180 = Keep it up and enjoy the party

81 – 130 = Doing OK but you might want to question whether you’re on the right track. What would need to happen to put a bigger smile on your face?

Less than 80 = Probably best to take a holiday, evaluate what’s really important to you and plan for a change in direction.

BONUS TIP 1: When you’ve completed the game, play it again for another 7 days and beat your score ;o)

BONUS TIP 2: Review all of the activities that brought you the greatest amount of joy. Write down what it was about those times / events that made them special. What do they all have in common? There’s a good chance your answers will provide inspiration and clues for finding a worthy life purpose.

Take great care. Namaste.

Paul

The Ultimate Time Management Principle

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 19:34:00 +0000

"Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” - Johann Wolfgang Goethe

We all have the same 24 hours in everyday, and the difference that makes the difference for each of us is how we choose to fill them. The most productive people I have ever met have not necessarily been harder working than everyone else; they just have a skill for appropriately focusing their efforts according to the time they have at their disposal.

The problem with most time management systems is that they are more concerned with generating maximum activity than they are about achieving actual objectives.

A classic example of this is the humble daily To Do list, where we jot down all the tasks that we believe need to be done that day and then re-arrange them so that they are presented in a logical sequence; the order in which we plan to tackle them. A popular approach is to get the quick and easy tasks done first so that we’ll be less distracted when it comes to doing the meaty challenging jobs at the bottom of the list.

Sometimes this works fine, but more often than not we get so caught up in the little tasks (and all the other distractions that inevitably turn up, and were not on the list in the first place) that we find ourselves under real pressure by the time we get to the bigger ones.

So, we might think that the obvious solution is to prioritise the big jobs first so that we can be confident that they will get done, and then rattle through the little ones with the time that is left.

Again, sometime this can work fine, but all too often little jobs left undone have a habit of turning into bigger problems further down the line. The fact is, no matter which way you slice it, prioritising volumes of activity against available time does not guarantee successful outcomes.

One of the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” - the work of Dr Stephen Covey - is the habit of ‘Putting First Things First’. This means in order to know how you need to be spending your time you must first know the reason you are engaging in any activity in the first place.

An employee of any organisation is not paid simply to produce reports, move widgets or go to meetings. Every employee must be absolutely clear how their being there is helping that company achieve its overall mission and objectives.

The same can be said of people in general. It is usually true to say that the reason we go to work, build homes, raise families, support charities, join groups, is not just to fill the time until we leave this mortal coil. It is because we are driven by desires to make meaningful differences in the World (even if we’re not always consciously aware of what that means!). We don’t just go to work for going to work’s sake. We go to work because it contributes to the wider, more important story of our life.

If what you spend most of your time doing is not actually aligned to some bigger purpose or moving your towards your goal, then the obvious question has to be asked – why are you doing so much of it?

Dr. Covey introduces a fantastic prioritisation tool that I have found indispensable in just about every area of my own life. Rather than launching into a flurry of activity in the hope it can all get done within a limited timeframe, the first thing to consider is the urgency of a task versus its importance.

As a simplistic measure of how I gauge this is:

Urgent = Bad things happen if I don’t do it
Important = Good things happen if I do

Imagine a large square that has been equally divided into four smaller quadrants, each of them represents one of the combinations of urgency versus importance.

1, Urgent and Important - Otherwise known as crisis! It has to be addressed right now or there will be serious consequences. Being a frequent visitor to Quadrant 1 takes up A LOT of energy.

* Unpaid bills
* Angry customers (or spouses!!)
* Health problems
* Pressing deadlines
* Fire fighting

2, Not Urgent, but Important - These are tasks that contribute to your mission, roles and goals. They don’t necessarily have to be done now, but if they spend too long untouched in Quadrant 2 they can end up in Quadrant 1!!

* Learning new skills / knowledge
* Looking after your wellbeing
* Objective and goals setting
* Improving processes
* Nurturing Relationships

3, Urgent, but not Important – Lovingly referred to as ‘other people’s problems’!! Of course, we want to be able to help other people because the outcome of these activities is important to them, but when we spend too much time in Quadrant 3, the things are important to us, personally, get left out in the rain.

* Ringing Phone
* Interruptions
* Non-productive meetings
* Request from others

4, Not Urgent and Not Important – AKA ‘wasting time’. There is a time and a place to waste time. At the end of a hectic day it can be just what the doctor ordered to put your feet up, turn your head off and watch some mindless TV. But if this becomes more of a habit than a meaningful use of downtime, then your life direction begins to suffer.

* Trivia
* Gossip
* Excessive TV
* Time wasters
* Re-arranging your desk for the 20th time this morning!

Dr. Covey poses the question, what one activity are you convinced that, if you were to start doing superbly and consistently well on a regular basis, would bring you significant positive rewards in your life? (Perhaps it’s more dedicated quality time with loved ones, or going to the gym, or sitting down and planning for the future). Then decide which quadrant that activity sits in.

The answer is always Quadrant 2 – “Not Urgent, but Important”. It has to be important if it would give you such positive rewards, and it is obviously not urgent, otherwise you would already be doing more of it!

People who spend as much time as they can in Quadrant 2 find that there is hardly ever a need to visit Quadrant 1, because they work on important issues before they become problems. But the reason so few people actually spend enough time engaging in Quadrant 2 activities is because, unlike the other quadrants, there is no built-in mechanism to say when they actually need to be done.

Homework

Take some time and decide on at least three Quadrant 2 activities that would immediately enrich your life in ways that are meaningful to you. Then schedule appointments in your diary for each of those activities to take place over the coming week. Stick to those appointments as if it is crucial for you to show up and do them. If something or someone tries to elbow their way into that time slot, politely refuse and say you’re already booked up. And most importantly, enjoy yourself ;o)

Take great care. Namaste.

Knowing Life Can Be Easy

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 13:36:00 +0000

“Life is what you think it is, and gives you what you dare to dream it will.” - Anon

One of the aspects of the human condition that I find fascinating is the way that we overcome the challenges in our lives tends to be consistent with how easy or difficult we first imagine those challenges to be. We pre-empt the obstacles that are like to present difficulties, and run a mental rehearsal of our ability to deal with them. Of course, this is a very handy skill to have if you use that rehearsal time wisely, to solve any potential problems before they occur. But if it conjures up images of you getting stuck and frustrated then that is likely to act as precursor for you getting stuck and frustrated in reality.

Barry Kaufman (founder of the Option Institute) once said, “The eye sees what it brings to seeing”, and I think that sums things up perfectly. The moment we predict something is going to be hard, we engage in a search for all the evidence we can find to back-up our assumption. - “I believe life is a struggle, and just to prove it here I am struggling”

So here is a nice little exercise to get your brain accessing the parts of your wisdom that make triumphing over challenges seem effortless.

Exercise:

1, Think about a specific challenge you have that you feel is preventing you to achieving the kind of results you want. Make a statement out of it. Examples:

“It is going to be difficult to learn this new skill.”
“I’m no good at managing money.”
“People are not interested in what I have to say”.

2, Turn that statement around so that it has an opposite meaning. Play around with a few opposites until you find one that feels right and you want to work with. E.g. for some people it might be, “Learning this new skill is going to be a breeze.” For others it might be “Learning is a natural part of who I am”

3, Add this sentence starter onto the end of your statement:

“And I know that’s true because…”

4, Finish that sentence with as many ‘real’ pieces of evidence as you can think of. I’d suggest at least five, but encourage you to keep going and going.

“Learning this new skill is going to be a breeze, and I know that’s true because….

… skilfulness has more to do with practice than talent”
… I’ve seen other people doing it well, so I know it is very possible for me too”
… there is an abundance of people who will help me if I ask”
… I am willing to keep going with enthusiasm”
… there are many skills I can do easily now that I once found challenging”

Namaste

Paul

Mastering the Present Moment

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 14:53:00 +0000

"Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be” – Eckart Tolle

What do you think of when you think about your future? And when you do think about it, which I’m sure you do from time to time, how you feel? Do you feel happy, excited, and joyous? Or do you feel uninspired, a bit nervous, or even scared?

The reason I ask is because, to an overwhelming degree, it has been my experience that when people don’t feel good about their future the reason for that is two fold:

1) They reflect on their negative memories and feelings from the past and anticipate that it is those memories and feelings that will determine the quality of their experience in the future, and

2) They then create uninspiring or scary pictures in their mind’s eye of just how bad they think the future is going to be for them.

On the other hand when people do feel good about their life ahead that also comes down to two factors. They create compelling movies in their mind of them experiencing their lives in ways that fill them with joy and, more importantly, they are genuinely bought into the realisation that the past does not equal the future.

I’ve yet to meet a living soul who hasn’t had to encounter painful events in their life, or had to overcome difficulties, or deal with the frustration of things not turning out the way they had hoped. I’m convinced that if you were to walk up to any stranger in the street and say to them “I’m really sorry to hear about your problems”, they’d look at you with an amazed expression and say “How did you know?”

So if everybody’s history is littered with memories of the challenges they’ve faced, how is it that some get to anticipate their future more positively than others? It is because the way you feel about your future at any given moment has less to do with what you’ve actually been through in the past and more to do with the quality of the thoughts you’re having in the present about what the past and future means to you.

I have met with and coached many people who have been frightened about what they think their future had in store for them, and in every case the starting point for turning it all around has been one remarkably simple realisation.

People are never scared of what they think they are scared of, they are only scared of what they think.

Here’s why. The relationship between reality (the one that actually happens) and the reality that we make-up in our minds has been one that has confused us since the moment our brains became evolved enough to ponder such meaty topic as the past and future. Somewhere along the line we got it into our heads that the act of thinking a thought makes it true. That’s why when you imagine yourself suffering in the future, say, failing at important tasks, being unhappy in your career, or not achieving what you want out of life, you start to get an uneasy feeling right away. The nervous system takes what ever you think about – past, present or future - and acts on it as if it’s a factual event taking place right now. Of course the problem with this is that most people tend not to challenge the things they feel to be fact, so left unchecked those thoughts get free reign of the imagination and monopolise they way you feel about life.

In those moments when you think about the future it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that it has already been determined in accordance with the kind of thoughts you are having about it. But the future doesn’t exist, it never has. All you have is this very moment, now. The future can never arrive because it is not coming from anywhere. What you think of as the future is just a clear empty space into which the Now can evolve, and that empty space is pure potentiality. So the question is not, “What do I want to have happen in the future?” it’s, “What do I want this very moment to evolve into?” and “How do I want it to keep evolving so that this very moment is the best kind of moment I could hope to experience?”.

I’m guessing you’ve already noticed that in own life it is so much easier to make decisions and take action at the times when you can actually be there to make a decision or take some action. It’s always in the present moment. So often we spend time evaluating decisions from the past or anticipating decisions we might need to make in the future, but when it all comes down to it, it only ever happened, or will happen, in the Now. As Erkart Tolle said, “Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.”

So, if you ever get a bad feeling about the future and you then realise that the future doesn’t actually exist, that just leaves you as a person quietly thinking a thought in the present moment - Nothing more, nothing less. Every thought you’ve ever had took place in the present moment, and a thought, in and of itself, is absolutely harmless. It’s only when you breathe life into it by responding as if it represents actual reality that it can have the potential to cause you suffering.

After a while most people are able to see, or at least understand the idea that the future is not what we usually think of it as being in our heads. After all, intellectually we know that the future hasn’t happened yet, so how could we possibly know how things are really going to turn out? What can be more of a mind bender though is the idea that the past doesn’t exist either. That one really catches people out! “But surely the past must exist, we’ve been through it haven’t we? We’ve had the physical experience of it and can remember it clearly.” That may be true, but when all of those things in ‘the past’ happened, when did they actually take place? In the present moment. There has been no disconnect between that present moment and the one you are experiencing right now. You didn’t leave it behind, you brought it with you!

Right now you may be thinking that I’ve lost the plot, or you might even be wondering, “So what? Why is this significant?” Well the reason that it is significant is because when we believe that our past still somehow exists, it also encourages us to believe that all the hurt and pain we’ve experienced also still exists, but is out of our reach; crystallized in time gone by. If we think that pain still exists in the past but we can’t reach it, then we become more inclined to feel held ransom to it effects.

But even when you think about the past and get that realistic sense that its echo lingers on and that it is following you around, that isn’t the past. That is just a process of thought that is taking place in the present moment. It is nothing more than electricity jumping between neurons in your brain, in the Now. It’s not the past that hurts; it is what you do in the present moment to make a mental reconstruction of old painful experiences that allows the same old feelings to stay with you.

I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t think that we have a past or a future, just that we need be clear that the past and future are just concepts that can only exist when we think about them in the present moment. When you live in the knowledge that everything you’ll get to experience in your entire lifetime happens in the continuation of the now, that’s when you can make some real quality decisions about what you want you life to be about. Not later, right here in this very moment.

One of my all time heroes Byron Katie said “Isn’t the past kind? It’s always over.” What she meant by that is the very instant an event takes place it’s already gone, and can only live on as a memory trace in the mind. So if someone was to come and slap me around the face, while that’s not one of my favourite experiences, almost immediately it’s over. Sure, I’ll make an instant creation of it in my mind and replay it like its happening again and again; I may even take some further action, but the point is that what ever I do or feel next is only related to my thoughts in the present moment about what I remember taking place. It’s not what happened to me that determines the quality of how I feel, but what I do with it inside. Which brings me onto one of the most important lessons I believe anyone can learn if they are seeking true happiness and peace in their life.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional – but you have to provide that yourself.

We all have to go through painful events - that’s just part of life. We fall on hard times, we lose people close to us, we get betrayed, and we find ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. And the pain that is associated with those events needs to be dealt in what ever way is appropriate, because it creates change for us. The way we clear a space for ourselves to adapt to the change is to feel things like sadness, anger, disappointment, frustration… but those emotions are only designed to be temporary states that serve their purpose. Once we’ve processed those raw emotions, then we can re-stabilise and get on with the rest of our lives. The reason suffering is optional is because it requires you to have to build a bigger story about why everything is so terrible and to imagine wider unpleasant consequences. The lingering emotions are no longer to do with the actual events themselves, but a response to the quality of thoughts you’ve added into the mix yourself to spice things up a bit.

I remember about six months after my mum died I was feeling pretty sorry for myself about all the things that I’d lose out on because she isn’t around anymore. My kids would never get to know their Grandmother, she won’t see me getting married, Christmas will never be the same again, etc… But I realised that the major cause of my bad feeling at that time wasn’t that my mum had died, but that I was allowing myself to create unpleasant life like scenarios in my imagination that gave me compelling reasons for why it was necessary to be even more upset. When I was willing let go of my suffering and the story about what it all meant, that just left me with the sadness that she is gone. The sadness I could do something with; it allowed me just to grieve, which is all I really needed to do.

The wonderful thing about knowing that your life only ever happens in the present moment is that it opens you up to this perpetual opportunity of choosing how you want to feel. Regardless of what you’ve thought about your past or future up until now, the only questions you need to answer are “So how do I want to be feeling about my life right now?” and “What would I love to do next?”

So that’s your homework for today. If the past is gone and the future is just a clear open space of pure potentiality, what do you need to be doing or planning for in this very moment to make Now evolve into something amazing?

I’ll leave you with this quote from The French writer Antoine de Saint Exupéry: “As for the future, your task is not to foresee it, but to enable it”

Radical Self-Honesty (and Unconscious Commitments)

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 20:15:00 +0000

"It is discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit." - Noel Coward

The inspiration for this tip came after I had the great fortune to find out about the work of Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. Together they run The Hendricks Institute, a hugely successful learning centre that teaches core skills for conscious living. Whilst much of the work they do is based around strengthening relationships, the area that I was particularly struck with is a process they have devised for identifying and transforming what they call “unconscious commitments”.

Have you ever been really frustrated with yourself for not following through on a task or activity that you know would have given you great rewards?

For example:

* Not filling out the job application even though you were really keen on moving forward in your career.

* Falling off the healthy eating plan even though you already felt uncomfortable with your level of wellbeing.

* Treating yourself to a little luxury item after you vowed to pay off maxed-out credit cards first.

* Saying you’d make more of an effort in your relationship and then spending more time in front of the TV.

Those scenarios may ring bells for you or they may not, but I’m willing to stick my neck out and say that everyone has a little thing or area of life where their own actions stop them from getting what they really want.

The key to reversing this kind of self sabotage is to take a good look at yourself and to be completely honest about what is really going on in that head of yours. Although we like to think that our desires are driven by what we consciously choose, there is a far more powerful force at play in the deepest recesses of your unconscious mind.

Take the guy who says he wants to move his business up to the next level. He may have all kinds of ideas and visions for where he’d like the business to go; he might even write down a few lofty goals and do some research on the kind of resources he might need. BUT, if his unconscious mind, for whatever reason, is not ready to play ball, he will inevitably seek out and find all the excuses as to why progress cannot be made right now: It’s not the right time; the market is not there; he’s too busy; he’s too tired; there’s no support; his wife wouldn’t like it… And the sad thing is that probably the only place where any of these excuses are actually true is in the story he’s making up in his head.

It may be a bitter pill to swallow but he will only be able to stop obstructing himself when he is willing to admit that he is holding onto an unconscious commitment to keep his business exactly where it is right now.

Initially it can be a very uncomfortable thing to acknowledge that you may be unconsciously committed to avoiding the very thing you say you want. Some people start out by strenuously resisting this notion:

“That’s ridiculous, there is nothing more I’d love than to do than be the most successful person in my industry. It’s not my fault it happened to rain today. I definitely would have gone to that networking event had it been less of a downpour!”

The purpose of taking a radically honest stance is not to beat yourself up about not doing the best you can, but it’s to uncover the mental blocks that are getting in the way of your success.
My own experience of this is when some years ago I got the idea into my head that I wanted to build a career in personal development (of all things). I thought about all the possible ways that I could be of service make a positive difference in the lives of others through private consultation, workshops and seminars, creating products and generally being a pretty damn good coach. So I set about signing-up to as many training events as I could get onto (and afford). I read mountains for books on just about every area of personal growth and self development, and I even set up my very first website. I was on a roll. I was so excited at the prospect of being a sought after and respected expert in the field, and I felt so strongly that this was the right path for me to follow.

There was one small problem though. In my busyness to expand my knowledge and formulate a plan for magnificent success I wasn’t actually doing anything to get any work. But more than that, I was even turning down opportunities that were being handed to me on a plate. I’d get invites to deliver talks to local groups. Friends were always offering to pass my details onto other people they knew would definitely want to see me for coaching or therapy. But somehow I always found a way of avoiding putting my skills into practice. I’d find reasons why I was too busy, or my presentation wasn’t quite polished enough, or I’d think I might be coming down with something. I spent so much time perfecting the look and feel of my website that I forgot to fill it with the kind of content that people actually wanted to know about. I’d hide behind emails, rather than picking up the phone and talking with people directly.

This carried for a while until eventually it got to the stage that I couldn’t ignore it any longer. It was the elephant in the corner of the room. Even though I hadn’t heard about the Hendricks’ idea of “unconscious commitments” back then, I came to my own realisation that I was committed to being invisible and resisting my own success.

Is that because I was lying when I talked about all the things I wanted to achieve as coach? Of course not, but what it did mean is that I was probably a bit scared, and my unconscious mind was doing the only thing it knows how to do; to protect me from coming to any harm.
The really cute thing about the unconscious mind is that, despite its infinite wisdom, it really isn’t very good at distinguishing between a real threat to our physical being and an imagined threat to our imagined being, or self-image – otherwise known as the ego.

When you are about to embark on an exciting but uncertain journey the ego has no assurances that it will survive unscathed. “What if I fail? What will other people think? What if they disapprove? What if I can’t handle the pressure of success? You’d better back in your box right now!”

Your subconscious is an extremely powerful force in your life and drives the majority of your behaviour. But it craves familiarity! It likes your self image just the way it is and, left to its own devices, will organise your thoughts and actions to keep it that way. If you want to move past this you have to become aware of what’s really going on inside and consciously decide to override this well intentioned protection system with deliberate thoughts and actions that are congruent with your desired outcome.

Here is the really magical thing that I experienced. As soon as I admitted that I was just a bit nervous about launching myself onto the public stage, and that I was willing to work consciously towards being clearly visible my potential client base, it’s as if I was suddenly free of that old unconscious commitment to remain hidden from view.

Anyone can overcome their unconscious commitments and unblock the flow of success in their life, but it takes two things: Radical self-honesty that the only obstacle you are facing is yourself, and a genuine willingness to be consciously committed to turning the situation around.

Homework:

I encourage you to think about your own life and the areas where you may have unconscious commitments that stop you achieving the results you want. Here are some steps to overcome them (it’s important that you let go of any self-judgement as you do this).

1, Identify the non-desirable recurring issues in your life. What do you find yourself consistently complaining about, either verbally to others or silently to yourself? Have you been blaming something or someone for holding you back?

Example: You’ve been fed up for ages that you are working so hard in your job that it leaves you too little energy to go to the gym.

Now, as if you knew that this is just an excuse, finish off the following sentence with the real unconscious truth.

“I am committed to…”

Example:

* “I am committed to blaming everything else for my own lack of action”

* “I am committed to finding excuses not to exercise”

* “I am committed to convincing myself I am too tired when that’s not actually true”

* “I am committed to presenting myself as a victim”

2, Say the unconscious commitment out loud and notice the emotional effect it creates in you. If it feels uncomfortable there’s a good chance you’re on the money!

3, The next step is to repeat the statement out loud over and over, but each time vary the way that you say it. Say it slowly then really quickly. Use a high pitched voice and then a deep low voice. Say it in a sexy voice and then in the style of your favourite cartoon character.
Carry on doing this for a little while and then check back in with your feelings to see how the statement affects you now. This process is very good at ‘de-sensitising’ the unconscious commitment by removing its emotional charge. When you can say the statement without any negative sensations, move on.

4, This is a really important step. Identify the positive intention your unconscious had in giving you this commitment. Ask yourself “What are all the positive ways in which this unconscious commitment has served me?” And with whatever comes up, send your deep gratitude and love to your unconscious for everything it has been trying to do you for doing.

Example: By making me frustrated with my it was trying to get me to have a better work / life balance

5, Create a conscious commitment to override the unconscious one
* I am committed to taking the best care of myself* I am committed to making health and happiness the most important part of my life* I am committed to finding creative ways to exercise even when I’m busy* I am committed to being 100% responsible for myself
Repeat the new commitment out loud over and over until it feels natural and a part of you. Do things to remind yourself of it, like putting post-its around your desk, your home or in your car.

When you catch yourself revisiting that old unconscious commitment, which you inevitably will from time to time, just bring yourself gently back by affirming your new commitment until you feel it in your body.

Take great care. Namaste.

Paul

www.life-happens.co.uk

Questions That Move You Forward

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 11:40:00 +0000

In this episode of Life Happens - LIVE Paul talks about the "empowering" and "disempowering" questions we ask ourselves, and the way they influence our experience in any situation.

Finding Peace, Right Here, Right Now

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 12:46:00 +0000

In this episode Paul shares the most effective prinicple for getting away from stress and discovering peace in the 'now'. He also walks you through a great technique for learning how to be present in any situation.

Podcast: The Secret To Making Great Decisions

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 20:31:00 +0000

Have You Heard The Life Happens Podcast

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Fri, 22 May 2009 19:30:00 +0000

It occurred to me that if you like reding my blog then you'll probably love listening to my podcast "Life Happens LIVE".

Click on the feed below to subscribe to the feed.

http://feeds2.feedburner.com/LifeHappensLive-WithPaulDalton

Life Happens LIVE - with Paul Daltongreat free widgetsWidgetbox

Keep Your Best Self Alive!!

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 08:09:00 +0000

It has often been said that the only thing worse than not knowing how to make something better is to actually know what to do, but doing nothing. The area in which this is most prevalent is in the pursuit of your goals, vision and purpose.

So many people dream about the ways they would love to live their life; a personal mission they know could make a real difference to the world and the lives of others; a path that connects them to their innate sense of happiness and wellbeing. But all too often those lives remain unlived as the voice inside the head says, “Who are you to indulge in such a silly fantasy? People will think you’re crazy.”

And so reluctantly they shrink back into their little boxes so as not to rock the boats of other people sensibly getting on with living their normal and sane lives.

But surely in must be insane to deny that other little voice, the one of inner knowing, that is encouraging you to grab hold of your life and show it who’s boss. To sit back and rest comfortably (or uncomfortably) in the approval of those who will only ever settle for the status quo, is to deny the world of the greatest gifts you are capable of giving. Or as Barry Kaufman would put it, don't let yourself commit “socially acceptable suicide”.

So just for fun, ask yourself what you would want to make happen in your life if you knew you couldn’t be affected by what others might think? If you really did know that it is impossible to fail, what would you start doing differently today? Let yourself become immersed in a wonderful daydream about that bigger, more inspired life that’s waiting for you to show up.

And I leave you with the words of Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Namaste

Paul

www.life-happens.co.uk

Getting Yourself Motivated

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 10:04:00 +0000

There is one type request that I get more than any other and that is to provide strategies for generating and maintaining motivation, some people call this ‘self-discipline’. It’s actually not that common for people to ask me for step-by-step instructions on what they need do to get a task completed. You see, most often people already know what they need to do to achieve a particular goal. They know which actions are likely to lead them towards the outcome of their desire.

Those who want to lose weight usually don’t need me to tell them to moderate their calorie intake, eat a varied and balanced selection of healthy foods and to get a good amount of exercise.

Someone who wants to get their finances into check isn’t necessarily looking for me to point out that they should spend less than they earn and cut back on the unnecessary expenses that don’t add any real value to their life.

Every smoker I’ve ever met has been intelligent enough to know that quitting cigarettes is a lot easier when you stop putting them in your mouth and lighting them.

In theory, putting into practice those actions we know will bring us success should be easy. But in practice, as we know, that is not always the case. In my experience, the one thing that prevents people from following through with their well intentioned plans, more than any other obstacle, is their own willingness to keep taking the actions they know they need to take.

I’m sure at some time or other you will have had the experience of deciding to make a positive change in your life, launching into a flurry of enthusiastic activity, only to find that no sooner have you started that you just seem to lose your appetite to continue. Your “I want to” rapidly switched to “Do I really have to?”

Surely we are not so indecisive about what we want that we can’t hold one fixed goal in our minds for long enough to build a bit of momentum around it? In the example of the person who wants to be fitter and healthier, there is no denying that they would love to have that become their reality, but if it feels so good to imagine what the outcome would be like, why are they so reluctant to play a part in making it happen?

It is because the key to unlocking your motivation in any area actually has nothing to do with how much you want the result, but what you imagine it is going take to get there.

Here’s a little thought experiment for you:

Let’s say that I wanted to give you a gift of £10 and that all you needed to do is cross over the street to collect it. If you are like most people you would probably be quite happy to take the short trip to get the money, because your focus would be on the benefit of the outcome. As you make the journey you might be thinking about what you’d like to spend the £10 on.

But let’s now rewind the experiment and start again, only this time rather than crossing the street, you’d have to walk to the other side of town.

Now, while you might still want the money, your decision as to whether or not you can be bothered to go and collect it will not be as automatic. This is because your focus will have shifted from the benefit or value you’d gain from the money, to the inconvenience of walking across town. You are more likely to be thinking about the time it is going to take you to get there and the energy you’d need to exert, rather than what having an extra £10 will do for you. You may still decide to go, but you will certainly be less motivated to do so than had the money been waiting for you just across the street.

This imaginary exercise highlights the law that underpins our motivation to do just about anything in life. It’s the good old Pain / Pleasure Principle.

Behind all human behaviour is the inbuilt desire to move away from pain and towards pleasure. Everything from getting up in the morning in order to make it to work on time, through to planning a family or going on holiday, is driven by the motivation to either avoid something that we perceive will bring us pain, or move towards something that will bring us pleasure. While some people are motivated to get up and go to work because they love their job, others are motivated to get up and go to work because they don’t want to get fired and lose the house!

The Pain / Pleasure Principle is such an integral part of being Human that without it we literally wouldn’t and couldn’t get anything done. If you’re not being moved away from or towards something then you must be standing still; not a great way for a species to evolve, I’m sure you’ll agree.

So what does this have to do with motivating ourselves to reach our goals? Well think of it this way. Imagine that ‘motivation’ is a set of balancing scales where one side represents doing the actions that lead towards the fulfilment of a goal and the other side represents avoiding doing those actions. For the purpose of this exercise let’s assume the action concerned is to going to the gym. Now, let’s also imagine that in your hand you have a heavy weight that I’m going to refer to as your “pleasure token”.

If, as you consider the possibility of going to the gym, you start associating with all the good things that would happen as a result, i.e. the endorphin release from working out; the sense of satisfaction you’ll have as you notice how much better you look and feel; the anticipation of being able to get into those smaller clothes; the compliments you’ll get; then its obvious that you’re inclined to place your heavy pleasure token on the “take action” side of the scales. When you think in these terms, motivation is not an issue, it is just a natural desire to go and exercise.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself thinking of why going to the gym might just be inconvenient or not enjoyable, i.e. it’ll be hard work; you might be sore the next day; you have to rush to get there in time; you’ll have to forego the sofa and miss some good stuff on TV; then its not surprising that you’ll place your pleasure token on the “Don’t take action” side of the scales. In this case the pleasure comes from doing nothing and choosing comfort.

Don’t forget, at our core we are just pleasure seekers! If we perceive that going to the gym has pain attached it then it must come as no shock that we’ll buy into any lame excuse as to why we don’t get around to working out.

But all is not lost. It is far easier to begin generating the motivation to do those previously “painful” activities than you might think. The secret is to practice attaching massive amounts of pleasure to getting them done, and recognising the painful consequences of not doing them.

So that leads us onto…

This week’s homework:

1, Think about something you have been putting off doing that you know if you did get around to doing would amount to a positive change in your life, and that left undone would gradually lead to negative consequences.

2, Now take a moment to relax with a few deep breaths to get yourself into a settled and creative state.

3, Close your eyes and imagine that in front of you are two paths running away from you and parallel to each other. The path on your left represents a future where you continue to choose to do nothing about working towards the outcome you’d like to have happen. The path on the right represents the future where you do take the necessary actions to achieve that goal.

[For this demonstration we’re going to be travelling along each path one year into the future, but when you do this for yourself you might want to adjust the timeframe shorter or longer depending on what feels most realistic for your goal]

4, So, here we are today [what ever today’s date is], and we have a choice. We can either choose action or inaction for our future path, so let try each one out. Imagine that you have walked along the left hand path of inaction and you arrive one month into the future. As you think about the consequence of another month of inaction, what’s going on for you? Make it as if it is actually happening right now by seeing it through your own eyes, hearing what you hear and really feeling what it feels like. What have you been missing out on? Has anything got worse? How does this affect things like your relationships and your own happiness? Linger on it for a while before moving on.

5, Now travel further along the path to the 6 month milestone. Another six months of avoiding making that goal happen. What does that feel like? As if it’s happening, really consider what life is like now. What are all the consequences of your inaction; of choosing what you thought is the “comfortable” path? How about your relationships? Happiness? Health? Wealth? Remember to see it through your own eyes and really go with the feelings.

6, Next, go to the one year anniversary of your travels long this inaction path. As you think back to the beginning, when you had the choice to start making things happen, how does it feel to know you’ve let another entire year slip by with no change whatsoever? How did you get here? You did it one day at a time! What have been the effects of that? If you could symbolise the negative consequences into objects [e.g. piles of wasted money, mountains of junk food, bills up to your eyeballs, a ‘goodbye’ letter from someone who left you!! etc.] then imagine a years worth of those accumulated items all around you. Even thought it probably feels uncomfortable to do so, really feel it like its happening now.

7, Ok, relax for a moment. Let’s travel back to the present day and see what the other path has to offer.

8, Imagine that you’ve travelled one month along the action path, having done all the things you know to do to work towards that desired outcome. What positive benefits are you already noticing? See it, hear it and feel it through your own senses and experience how good it feels? Remember to congratulate yourself on a job well done.

9, Now go to the six month marker. Half a year of making your life better through those positive actions. What are you able to do now that you couldn’t have done six months ago? How does this affect your experience of life? Your relationships? Your health? Your finances? Let yourself really exaggerate that good feeling and stay with it for a while before moving along the path even further.

9, Right, now let’s travel to the one year anniversary of making that positive change in your life. Fully associate into how wonderful it feels to be celebrating this milestone. You did it. You made it happen. What are all the great things that you get to experience because of the steps you’ve taken over the last year? How much have things improved in terms of your happiness, relationships, health, money, direction, optimism for the future? Hold your body as you would in this situation and let the feeling radiate up to the top of your head and down the tips of your toes. Double it! Make it feel as real and as wonderful as you can. And then relax and return to the present day.

If you’ve allowed yourself to get into the spirit of this exercise and have fully associated into each step, then there is no doubt which path you’ll want to choose. Practice this as often as you like and the motivation to make those goals become your reality will just flow naturally to you!

Have a brilliant week.

Namaste

Paul
http://www.life-happens.co.uk/

HAVE FAITH AND LIVE LONGER

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 12:51:00 +0000

I like to keep myself up-to-date on the latest research around the causes of happiness in us Human Beings, and this lastest study leaped out at me as being pretty significant. I wanted to share this article with you because it links directly to many of the topics I talk about in my coaching tips. It suggests that not only do they improve your experience in the Now, but they could also help you live a longer, healthier life too.

Now, for those of you who follow my work, you'll know that the subjects I coach on are primarily religion-free in their content, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the value that religion plays in many peoples lives. I might talk about the importance having a deep connection to your 'inner knowing' or moral compass, where as you might describe your connection to your God or a spiritual guidance. Whatever words we use to describe the same thing, the effect that these metaphors have on the way we experience our lives and the world around us are the same, and according this research, that is pretty good for our wellbeing.

These finding were presented by Michael E. McCullough, a University of Miami researcher who has been studying the relationship between religion and health for more than a decade.

Article:

His conclusions are fueling the debate over the impact of religion on
personal well-being.

"It's kind of hard to find a downside to religion," says
McCullough, a psychology professor and one of the top researchers in the
field.

In a small lab on UM's Coral Gables campus, McCullough, 39, has
conducted experiments with hundreds of people of many backgrounds, testing their
ability to delay gratification, forgive and be thankful, and correlating those
findings with health factors from drug use to depression. All the while, he has
asked, "Do you believe in God? How much?"

McCullough's research suggests that religious people of all faiths, by
sizable margins, do better in school, live longer, have more satisfying
marriages and are generally happier than their nonbelieving peers.

He has published more than a dozen studies on the subject, including a
recent article in Psychological Bulletin suggesting that if you want to quit
smoking, you may want to get religious about it. In the Journal of Drug Issues,
he reported that in neighborhoods plagued by alcoholism, church attendance helps
more than Alcoholics Anonymous.

"Religious people tend to have good self-control," says McCullough,
citing what he considers the biggest reason for their higher scores on health
and prosperity indicators.

David Niose, president of the American Humanist Association in
Washington, D.C., doesn't dispute such findings, but doesn't find them
persuasive.

"The secular outlook is just as capable of bringing one inner peace,
stability and happiness as any religious view," says Niose, whose group includes
atheists and promotes the view that nonbelievers should live ethically for the
greater human good.

McCullough acknowledges that religion is just part of the picture, and
a relatively small one at that. He says factors such as race, class and age
undoubtedly play larger roles in determining life outcomes.

WHEN YOU OWN THE CINEMA, YOU CHOOSE THE MOVIE

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 08:40:00 +0000

"The world is what you think it is." - Serge Kahili King

Humour me for a moment and just imagine that you’re in a cinema. Everything around you is dark apart from the screen that’s showing the latest blockbuster suspense thriller. You’re sat there wide-eyed, holding a piece of popcorn in front of your open mouth as if it’s frozen in time. It’s just getting to the really juicy bit – the girl is being followed, but by who? And what will be her fate when they catch her? She trips! The chilling music gets faster and louder; the camera zooms right in on the action. You hold your breath; your heart beats faster; you push back into your seat; the anticipation is almost too much to bear…..

And then all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, the music changes to the Benny Hill theme tune! The colour gets really bright and vivid, and the film speeds up to double time so that the characters start to move in a kind of comical fashion. Now, as you look up at that screen, no matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to continue the feeling of fear or anxiety about what is unfolding in front of you. It just seems ridiculous.

I’ve used this kind of cinematic example many times before with my clients and workshop attendees, because it’s a perfect metaphor for understanding how our experience of life is created purely through the projection of our thoughts. Now, replace the movie of the girl being followed with that other movie of how everyone will laugh at you if you fail. Or how about the one where you know you’d be rubbish at a particular task so it’s not worth even attempting it? Or the one about your boss firing you; or the one about how someone might somehow expose you as being a fraud; or how your parents never take you seriously; or what ever movie you like to run on a regular basis.

Notice how compelling and realistic you make it, and as you replay the scene over and over, pay attention to how you begin to feel in response.

But it’s just a movie; a thought.

If you knew that you were the Director of that movie what direction would you want to take it to make it more enjoyable to watch? Horror movies are great for entertainment, but when they are about your own life, that’s another story. Wouldn’t you rather be watching a ‘feel good’ classic?
One of the best explanations I’ve discovered for simplifying the whole subject of how our thoughts create our realities comes from the success coach, Michael Neill. He describes that there are three vital ingredients that must exist in order for us create a life-like experience of the world around us. They are Energy, Consciousness and Thought.

To understand the part that these three elements play let’s go back to that cinema, only this time I’ll meet you up in the projection booth. This is where the magic happens.

Consciousness is like the projector itself. It sheds lights onto whatever happens to be in front of it at the time, in this case a reel of film, and the result is the image that you see on the screen. It only ever shines the right amount of light to illuminate the area of that screen with everything remaining in darkness. To put it another way, if it’s not lit up, it’s unconscious.

Of course, nothing could be projected if the projector is not plugged in because it needs electricity. You provide the energy to your consciousness by simply being alive. Some would regard this energy as being your life-force, your essence, your soul or your spirit. You’re plugged in!!

Thought is the reel of film itself. We each have thousands of thoughts every day, most of which glide by harmlessly in the background of our awareness, but some make it to the front of the projector. They get illuminated and magnified larger than life onto that big screen, complete with panoramic and Technicolor qualities and dramatic score and sound effects. Before long you are gripped by the emotional impact of the compelling plot, this is real on-the-edge-of-your-seat kind of stuff.

But here’s the thing. What if you don’t like the movie? It’s no good going up to the screen and trying to get it to change from there. No amount of shouting at the characters or being frustrated with the storyline is going to alter the ending; that has already been decided. The world doesn’t care what thoughts you project out onto it, in the same way that a screen doesn’t care what images is cast onto it.

The only way to swap this movie for a better one - say a comedy or a romance or one where the good guy always wins - is to realise that that up there in the projection booth is a library of film to suit any taste. All you need to do is go up there, select the one you’d like to watch and put it in front of your projector.

When you own the cinema, you get to choose the movie, and the quality of the movie you choose determines the quality of your life. So wouldn’t it be a good idea to start getting really picky about what you want to watch?

Homework:

Be a film critic this week. Plan to check-in with yourself at least a couple of times a day and review the kind of movies you are running in your head. Are they ones you’d pay good money to see, or would they win ‘Worst Picture’ at The Raspberry Awards. If they are more “boo-hiss” than “bravo”, change them for better ones. It's that simple!

You might want to take it a step further and decide to play the leading part in the most wonderful adaptation of your life.

Have an amazing week.

Namaste,

Paul

www.life-happens.co.uk

Having Hindsight Ahead of Time

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 16:59:00 +0000

There seems to be an unwritten rule that states if you are going to be taken seriously in the field of personal development as a therapist, coach or trainer, then you have to have been completely screwed up at least once in your life!

Well, I’m not convinced that this is absolutely necessary but, to be on the safe, you might be glad to know that, yes, life hasn’t always been as rosy for me as it is right now. Not that you’d be glad that I was miserable (I hope), but that I can speak from experience about pulling myself up by the bootstraps to create a life that far exceeds any level of happiness I had previously thought possible.

I’ll bore you with the details another time, but I well remember a period in my life when I was broke, alone, with no fixed address, completely depressed and filled with thoughts of ending it all. I really couldn’t see a way out of the dark hole I was in; my problems seemed to suffocate me like a heavy black curtain. But the most significant thing about this whole episode is that, looking back now, I wouldn’t change a second of it.

If it wasn’t for that time and all the experiences that went along with it I definitely would not be sat here writing this for you now.

I have nothing but gratitude for the opportunity I was given to face up to life’s challenges and to grow beyond measure. But did I know at the time that I’d be looking back now with a smile on my face and a deep sense of richness and lust for life? Of course not.

Back then my issues seemed too big to peer over; they were all-encompassing. The question I asked myself was “why is this happening?” rather than “what am I learning?” Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and it teaches us time and time again that there are hidden lessons in our suffering.

I know it’s an old cliché but what doesn’t kill you certainly does make you stronger, because of what you learn. When the light is cast on those secret inner strengths you have it is impossible to poke them back under the surface and pretend that they are not there, because they instantly form an important part of a newer more evolved you. They become tools for your toolbox that can be selected and used whenever you need them again in the future. The knowledge that you have those tools is what gives you that sense of certainty that if you had to face the same situation again you’d be ok.

If only we could recognise the lessons we are being taught at the time of going through those rough patches. Well, what’s to stop us?

Time is a very funny thing, if for no other reason than that it is entirely a figment of our imagination. That being the case, we are as affected by our thoughts of time as we are by the actual experience of time, and this can be very useful indeed.

It means we have the ability to project our thoughts out into the future and imagine what it would be like to look back at this moment (now) as an older and wiser version of ourselves. How cool is that?

It’s amazing what changes can happen to your perception of a problem when you know how to shift your thinking to an entirely different position.

Much of the work I do with people is based on the simple principle that the human mind cannot tell the difference between an actual event and one that is vividly imagined. By thinking of yourself from a future stand point, having already come through the other side of what you are currently experiencing, your mind has to go through the process of coding that thought as an actual experience; a memory of the future! A memory in which you are able to clearly see how a current challenge will have helped you to grow and develop into a stronger, wiser version of you.

Most of the problems we face in life are not what we think they are. Most of our problems stem from us not being able to see that we are growing. Growing simply means learning something we didn’t know before.

When you hold onto the notion that “right here, right now” (which is all we ever have) is only a lesson for making the future better than today, you have to conclude that, you know what? You’re going to be ok.

Today’s Homework:

You don’t have to be going through any particular difficulty in your life to have a great time doing this exercise, but if you are, then you might want to give this your full attention o)

1, Take a moment to close your eyes and let yourself relax.

2, Imagine that you can float out of your body and travel off into the future where you re-enter the body of your older, wiser self.

3, Realize that as you look back you are really happy and satisfied with the life you have led. You acknowledge that it has not always been plain sailing but that the challenges you have met along the way have been the source of your strength and have provided the positive lessons you need to master.

4, As the future you, think back to the time you are ‘visiting’ from and understand why that was such an important period for you and your development. Think of at least three ways in which you are better off because of it (even though you may not have recognised it that the time!!). E.g. “Ah yes, I remember that time. I’m grateful for losing my job back then because it made me evaluate what is really important to me. I got to develop a much healthier attitude towards money which set me on a whole new path that has allowed me to be a better more positive expression of the real me.”

5, Stay with it for as long as you need to and when you’ve got a good feeling about how that challenge needed to happen in the way it did in order to contribute to the bigger, more positive picture of your life, rise out of the future you and float back in time to rejoin yourself in the present moment.

6, Holding onto that deeper sense of inner knowing, get on with the rest of your day with the realization that you’re living the lessons you need to learn for your amazing future.

Warm wishes

Paul
www.life-happens.co.uk

How Money CAN Buy You Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:50:00 +0000

When are you at your happiest? If you were to cast your mind back over your life and pick a few of your ‘top happy memories’, what do they mostly have in common?

I’m willing to bet that in most cases they would involve you being part of an event of some kind; perhaps a wedding, or a birth, a holiday, or an act of charity? Rarely do our happiest memories come from “the time I splashed out on that really expensive sweater” or “when we had the lounge redecorated”. Those things do brings us passing moments of pleasant feelings, but when it comes to being REALLY happy, in a way that lasts, it’s our active involvement in experiences that pushes all the right buttons.

We know this because when we think about the great time we had with our friends that time we feel nostalgic and we smile. When we think about the designer curtains we bought last year we, well, just think about curtains.

When it comes to deciding what to spend your money on it is scientifically proven that investing in an experience will bring you greater levels of authentic happiness than buying a ‘thing’. In a recent study, the San Francisco State University psychology department concluded that, among their test group, the measure of happiness was significantly higher from having experiences such as going on holiday, or renting a sailboat, than it was from the purchasing of material goods, such as clothes and gadgets.

The interesting thing about this is that I don’t think many people would be surprised by the result of this study. But – and it’s a BIG BUT – why is it then that we still seem to be so attached to the idea of accumulating more ‘stuff’?

Without being too deep about it I believe it has a lot to do with the Ego. Ego is the part of us that likes to think that its what happens on the outside that causes us to feel the way we do. When we feel bad we don’t have to take responsibility for it because it is our boss’s fault, or the traffic, or the weather, or the Government. It also means that we have to rely on outside forces to give us those feelings of joy too – the promotion, the pay rise, the new car, the bigger house, those new shoes… But the very fact that those things do not have emotion built into them means that no sooner have we acquired them the Ego gets a bit disappointed and injects even more effort into going after the next thing. All the time the Ego is in charge this pattern is never ending.

Experiences on the other hand require us to focus on the internal connection we have with what’s going on around us. Things tantalise us, but experiences change us.

The desire for connection, whether that be to other people, nature, a god, a team, is such a powerful part of our make up and it can only be fulfilled through the act of actually doing or being part of something.

I’d love a new sports car, and maybe one day I’ll get one, but I’ll still be exactly the same person I was before I bought it. If, on the other hand, I train to be a race car driver, then I’m fundamentally changed… and probably a bit happier!

Some people like to travel alone because they connect to a deeper part of themselves. Others like to travel with friends so they have people to share the memories with. Either way it’s all about the sense of connection, of being changed in someway, of growing, of becoming more than we were before.

Isn't that the true essence of happiness?

Today’s Homework:

Think about the thing you have had your eye on lately? What have you been saving your pennies for in the hope that getting it will make you somehow happier?

What do you want that intended change in feeling to get for you? (Fun, confidence, entertainment, self worth, respect from the Jones's, etc…)

Think of an event or activity that is likely to give you the same kind of feeling and plan to do that instead. I guarantee in the future, when you look back, you’ll smile and be glad you did it!

Warm wishes

Paul
www.life-happens.co.uk

The Magic of Not Wanting What You Want

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 01:47:00 +0000

As you would probably expect, working in the field of personal development I get to spend a lot of my time with people talking to them about goal setting and visualisation. I cannot over emphasise the power of positive intention when it comes to manifesting an amazing life, but there is a common trap that too many people fall into while “dreaming their way to success”.

One of the most significant developments in my realisation of what true success requires is the notion of being non-attached to the object or outcome of desire. There really does appear to be a reliable universal law that states good things will flow more readily towards you when you let go of your need of having them.

For many people, including me, it has taken a lot of time and contemplation to completely reconcile with the logic that the best way to get something you want is to not place too much importance on wanting it. We can see how this works out in the subtle examples that we’ve all experienced in our daily lives. An obvious one is when you find that little lost object only after you’ve given up looking for it.

How about when you’ve got yourself so worked up about an upcoming event that the only way of coping with that level of anxiety is to just throw fate to the wind and say “Sod it, whatever happens will happen, let’s just get it over with”, and in the resulting relaxation your experience of that event turns out to be far more positive than you could have imagined.

If you’re a golfer you’ve probably been told that you’ve got a better chance of landing the ball closer to the flag if you do not aim for the flag itself but rather the wider area around it.

Each of these examples demonstrate an important lesson in what your future success is waiting for you to do – let go for your need for it to happen.

When you attach yourself to an outcome and pin all of your hope on it, you might be all excited about achieving the goal, but you’re also buying into the belief that you can’t be truly happy unless that situation pans out the way you want it to. You are unconsciously telling yourself “Right now I’m not complete, but this thing will make me whole”. Without meaning to you have put yourself into a lack mentality and that can make life a lot more difficult than it needs to be.

The problem is not in the goal itself but rather in the attachment to the goal; like your happiness depends on it. This attachment is the equivalent of ‘looking down’ when you are half way up the mountain. It causes you to fantasise about how terrible it will be to fail.

You may have watched the film “The Secret” or learned about the Law of Attraction, where you focus on your desire at the same time as ‘sending our’ your emotional intention to the Universe. Well wanting something too much works in harmony with the opposite law – The Law of Repulsion. Think of a magnet being flipped over so that it repels rather than attracts. Dreaming about your desired outcome is good, but doing it from the confines of a lack mentality will rarely get you closer to where you want to be.

So the big question is how do you let go of your need of things while still encouraging them into your life?

Quite simply, by recognising all of the reasons you can still choose to be happy without the goal having to be met. Everyone has innate happiness in their nature; it just gets a bit covered up with the thought that we are not supposed to feel it until we’ve actually done something to earn it.

The best question I have ever been asked came from the success coach, Michael Neill, and it is this:

What would you want to go after in your life if you knew you didn’t have to be unhappy about not getting it?

It might take you a while to get your head around the meaning of that question but it will eventually lead you to that frame of mind where you can have compelling goals, but without an emotional dependence on them. It is a case of “Yeah, it’ll be great when this happens, but in the mean time I’m just going to be happy anyway”.

This Week’s Homework:

Take some time to completely relax and meditate on what you would like to have in your future life. Let your imagination run riot, as if you can order anything you like from the Universe’s menu.

Put yourself into the scene and experience it as if it is happening right now. What do you see? What can you hear? Totally immerse yourself into the fantasy so that it becomes more and more real for you, and intensify the good feelings.

Stay with it for as long as it feels really good to do so and then imagine pushing your thoughts off into the distance, as if you are instructing the Universe to deal with them for you.

Next spend a few moments contemplating everything you already love about your life. What are you deeply grateful for? What do you have in your life today that you want to continue having for the rest of your days? Really feel that. Smile at it. Then happily get on with the rest of your day.

To your success!

Warm wishes

Paul
http://www.life-happens.co.uk/

Just How Do You DO Happiness?

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 18:30:00 +0000

In one of my personal development workshops I get my students to close their eyes and imagine, in vivid detail, one of their happiest memories, and to fully re-living it in that moment. It is amazing to witness the instant transformation in their facial expressions and body language as their nervous systems kick back into happy mode. I then ask them what actually changed in the outside world while they were doing that. Of course the answer is nothing, but isn't it interesting how easily they were able to access deep feelings of joy without there having to be an outside cause?

When was the last time you felt really happy for no reason whatsoever?

The term 'The Human Race' is very apt because metaphorically speaking we seem to think of our happiness as being out there in front of us and that we must race to catch up with it. We use language like 'chasing our dreams', and 'the pursuit of happiness', which on the surface seems like very exciting things to be involved in, but it also presupposes that happiness is somewhere off in the distance and that we are lagging behind. We immerse ourselves in an "I'll be happy when..." mentality, in which we are convinced that happiness will arrive in the form of that next promotion, or the bigger house, the perfect relationship, or that lottery win.

We also tend to think of happiness as being an 'it' - a something that has a form - like one day there will be a knock at the door and the FedEx guy will say "Hi, who's gonna to sign for this box of happiness?"

But look at a child. Children are much smarter than adults when it comes to being happy. For them it is just a state of being. They don't place conditions on when they will and when they won't feel it. As long as they're not hungry, in pain, or being told off, they are happy. It's their default program. And it is meant to be your default program too. The thing is, at some stage in a child's development they start copying what the adults do. They buy into our cultural idea that, actually, you can't just have your happiness, you have to earn it. You have to prove that you are worthy of it. If you work hard enough at working hard then one day just might get lots of nice things that will 'make' you happy, but you have to deserve it.

Of course we all know what happiness feels like, and we do encounter many happy times throughout our lives - marriages, births, birthdays, holidays, parties... It can even take us by surprise sometimes, like when you are out in nature and suddenly you are filled with a strong and comforting sense of connectedness with the world around you. This kind of happiness is great, but it is a fair weather friend; it comes when the going is good and shoots off again when the party is over. But a lot of people settle for it because they're promised to a more permanent kind of happiness - they just have to wait for the future to arrive!

The real truth about happiness is that do not have to wait for it happen to you. You do not have to be in the right place at the right time. You do not have to keep gambling with life until it comes knocking at your door. You have all the resources you need already within you to turn it on at will. It's like a switch. If you are stood in a darkened room you have the choice to flick the switch and turn the light on, but in order to do that you must first know that the switch is there and that you have the ability to control it.

Your happiness switch is exactly the same. You must recognise that it there for you to use at any moment and that you can control it with the belief that it is only ever your thoughts and attitudes that light up your world.

Happiness brings with it the kind of creativity, openness and clarity that makes any task seem almost effortless. Work stops feeling like work as soon as you go about your business with a genuine inner smile. But why do most people find this so hard to do?

It's because somewhere along the line we learned that we cannot be truly happy unless there is a reason to be happy. We introduce criteria that must be met before we will allow ourselves to let happiness in and feel ok about having it. Some people have even learned to attach guilt to their happiness. "Why should I feel happy while others still suffer?"

There's a very quirky thing about us humans, and that is that we can become very suspicious of other people who do not appear to have a good enough reason for their blatant displays of happiness. Whenever someone asks how I am I will usually say something like "I'm great" or "fantastic", to which the next question is often "Why, what's up?" I'll say "Nothing, I just feel good", and then enjoy the confused look on their face as they let out a slow "Riiiiiiiiight!"
The thing that really throws a spanner in the works of the common belief about happiness is that actually you can have it whenever you want it, and you don't have to do a thing to earn it. Because 'it' isn't an 'it' at all, it's a function of the human condition that serves a very practical purpose. As Michael Neil would put it, to ask if you deserve happiness is like asking if you deserve a nose. "Well....eeerrrrr.... I have a nose, but I don't know what I've done to deserve it". It sounds silly, doesn't it?

The key to having your happiness now rather than later is to know that happiness is not something that happens to you, it is something that you do. You must let go of the idea that happiness is a reward for good behaviour or that you must be worthy of it. You must also accept that your happiness is not on that ship that you're waiting on to come in. It is the ocean in which the ship sails, so if you want it, dive in and learn how to swim. In other words, your life is your happiness and you just need to start responding more happily towards it.

Numerous scientific studies into whether success leads to happiness shows that there is no quantifiable evidence to suggest that it does. What has been highlighted though, is that people who already experience high levels of happiness are significantly more likely to become successful later. Interesting! Happiness leads to success, not the other way around. Who'd have thought?

What this tells us is that genuine authentic happiness is unconditional. It is not out there. It is in here, and always has been. Happiness is only ever the result of your attitude and your behaviour, and learning to nurture it unconditionally gives you much more than just a good feeling; it makes your whole life run a lot smoother. That's nature's plan.

The only reason you ever need to be happy is that it allows you to get things done in a really efficient way. The most successful people learn to master the simple notion of being happy in the moment, not just because it feels good, but because being happy puts them into their most resourceful and productive state. I consider happiness to be a vital tool in the work I do because I am committed to producing the best quality output I am capable of. I know I can only achieve that if I am in a happy mood. Whether I'm running a workshop, writing an article, recording some audio, or coaching someone one on one, I will always spend a few moments up front getting myself into a happy frame of mind, because that's how I need to be for my best work to come out. Things just seem to flow better, I'm more creative, I see the bigger picture, and here's the really interesting bit, I encounter fewer obstacles.

I have spent countless hours studying the different philosophies about what happiness is and, while the various teachings use different kinds of language and terminology, they all agree that happiness does not wait on time, it waits on welcome. You may as well just open the door and let it in because it's already here, just waiting for your invitation.

"But hang on a minute, Paul. Surely it's unrealistic to be happy all the time. What about when you really do have problems. Sometimes, things just piss you off. That's life!"

Absolutely, life happens, and it doesn't always happen the way we want it to. It is the most natural thing in the world to feel unhappy, angry or sad in certain circumstances, and it is right and proper that we do feel that sometimes. But the problem comes when we habituate into these negative feelings; when being pissed off or grumpy becomes your standard response to most things.

There is nothing that you can achieve in an agitated frame of mind that you cannot do better with happiness.

There are two things you can choose to do to enjoy feeling more happiness more often.

1. WORK ON YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Just like happiness, all feelings have a practical purpose, even the bad ones. They are signals from you unconscious mind as to whether or not life is happening the way you want it to. Bad moods are not designed to just give you the experience of feeling miserable. If you listen closely to what they are telling you then you will always be able to find a much quicker route back to happiness. Negative emotions are like the warning lights on the dashboard of you car. They are a call to action. When the petrol light comes on, that is not a signal for your car to become depressed, it is a sign that action needs to be taken to get fuel. When you add more petrol the light goes out. The moment you bring your conscious attention to the cause of the feeling, and realise what actions needs to be taken to redress the balance, then its job is done. It no longer serves any useful purpose.

It is critical to acknowledge all of your feelings and not to mask them with a fake happiness. If you just cover them up with a painted-on smile then their simmer will turn into a boil and eventually the pot will overflow. Remember, they have a message they want you to know about, so stop and take the time to listen. Ask yourself, "Why might I be feeling like this in this situation? What is it trying to suggest?" And it's important to focus on the areas in which you have an element of control. It is no good to say "Well, it's suggesting that Bob is a pillock!" Get clear about the steps that will lead you away from frustration and toward a solution that feels better. As soon as you get an answer then exercise whatever control you have and decide to let go of the negativity around it. Ask yourself the question, "Now that I know what to do to sort this out, is it possible and acceptable for me to do it happily?" You'll be surprised how easy it is when you are willing.

2. GET TO KNOW THE PHYSIOLOGY OF HAPPINESS

Happiness has two parts: the internal experience of joy and the physical aliveness in your body. You've probably noticed that when you are down your body language becomes an outward symbol of how you feel inside. It becomes slouched, tensed and heavy and lacks signs of energy. When you are happy you stand taller and have a more open airy posture. Often the quickest way out of a negative mood is simply to move and adopt a more empowering body language. This sends a very clear signal to your brain that it is time to start feeling happier. Try this out for yourself the next time you are being a bit of a grump. Stand up straight, stick your chest out, and put a deliberate smile on your face. Your nervous system can only respond in a positive way to this kind of instruction from your physiology, that's just the way we work!

Be happy everyone!
www.life-happens.co.uk

The Secret To Making Good Decisions

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Dalton) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 10:08:00 +0000

How many times in your life have you put off doing something because you couldn’t decide the best course of action to take? I’ve known people plan to go out for a well earned meal with their partner and end up staying at home because they couldn’t make up their mind between Chinese or Italian. Heaven help the person who orders sweet and sour chicken when all along they should have been having lasagne! Can you imagine what it is like for them to choose between a staying in their job or take a gamble on starting that business they always dreamed of?

The fear of making bad decisions prevents people from doing all kinds of things that they might be better off doing. The truth of the matter is there is no way of knowing which direction a particular choice is going to take you. You can spend years ruminating over every possible outcome while in the mean time watching the world move on around you. It doesn’t change the fact that, no matter what you choose to do in the end, it might all turn out right and it might all turn out not so right.

But none of that matters because the secret to making great decisions is falling in love with making mistakes.

A lot of people will not make the distinction between making a mistake and making a bad decision, but there is a world of difference, and realising what that difference is can literally turn your life around and set you on a whole new path.

A mistake is literally doing something in a moment that you think is for the best but later turns out to be not such a good idea for you. A bad decision is doing nothing to correct that mistake and then letting the consequences of it define you for ages afterwards.

Here are a few of examples:

Mistake = Getting into a relationship with the wrong person
Bad Decision = Sticking with them and being miserable for the rest of your life

Mistake = Choosing Bognor Regis rather than Cuba for your annual holiday
Bad Decision = Looking for everything you can find to hate about Bognor just to prove you were right about how you should have gone to Cuba! And then going back to Bognor next year! (Bognor is a wonderful place by the way :o)

Mistake = Going into business without having some sort of a plan
Bad Decision = Injecting more and more of your personal finance, sweat and tears into it just to prove you can make the damn thing work.

Making a good decision is not about knowing the outcome before it has had a chance to happen. It is about committing to ANY course of action you FEEL is for the best and then paying attention to the lessons you are later presented with. It is the skill of interpreting the information generated by what has happened and choosing to either do more of the same or change your approach – even start again in some cases. In the same way that an aeroplane reaches its destination by continually measuring how off track it is from the set flight path and adjusting its course to get back on track, the same is true for good decision making.

Making a decision in any area is not a one time event; it is an ongoing and organic process that must evolve as life unfolds.

Today’s Homework:

Think about a decision you have been putting off making. What are the possible choices you have?

Just for a moment, let go of analysing which choice you think you should make and just listen to your body; your intuition. If I were to flip a coin and the rules were Heads you choose option A and Tails you go with option B, which side would you secretly hope for, deep down, before knowing the outcome?

Just go with your instinct and do something to start to make that choice happen. Be willing to make a mistake, knowing that the only bad decision you can ever make is to not do something about the things you didn’t want to happen.

If things go wrong be willing to make a mistake in the opposite direction because, who knows, it might turn out to not be a mistake after all, but rather the realisation of your dream!

No matter what your situation you always have choice. Don’t worry about having to choose wisely, that’s overrated.