One of the happy web-friendships I’ve been fortunate enough to cultivate is the one that sprung up between myself and Donna @ www.bitemybooks.com. Since we seem to keep coming up with reasons to engage in silly nonsense together, we have decided that it would be best for the world as a whole, if we resided at the same url- if for no other reason than to decrease the man hours the government accrues by watching us.

We’ve moved on over to www.bitchbookbake.com, where we have teamed up with two very unique ladies whose acquaintance I hope you soon make. This blog has a little bit of everything- and more than its fair share of snark

Again, thank you for the best three years a book lover could ever have.

“I am both less than you and more, ” he said. “An alchemist, an amalgamation of two opposite realms. I’m the fabric of the stars.”

Shana Abé writes beautiful romances and her dragons have been the awe inspiring stuff of dreams. I fell in love with her hauntingly romantic Drakon series and was excited to hear that she was going to dabble in the paranormal world of YA and bring her dragons to a younger audience. However, where her traditional fantasy romances showcase the vivid, rich world of her dragons, her usually beautiful prose was buried beneath so many YA cliches that it may as well not have been about the Drakon at all.

The story is set in a boarding school and while I’m usually a fan of the YA boarding school novel, this one left nothing to the imagination. You could see it all coming from the start- overly stern headmistress, secret places in the school, and oh yes…mean girls. It’s such a shame really, this mediocre storyline written in such beautiful, majestic language. The words deserved a much better story.

I wasn’t at all a fan of the constant, mid-chapter point of view changes. Eleanore barely had enough presence and voice to carry her own story, and the supporting characters that were frequently thrown in to narrate had far less. We have an unmoving case of insta-love with an almost as instant love triangle. Our hero had only just been introduced when a second contender was thrown into the ring. There was a desperate push to have as much tension and fervor between our lovers as their short courtship could hold and the haste really dampened the romance (some things should be taken slow).

Final Thoughts:
So I’m a little disappointed. True to Abé form, there were some absolutely beautiful passages and descriptions, several that I’ve marked to revisit in the future, but the overall effect wasn’t at all what I had hoped for. Fans of the Drakon will want to read this one, if for no other reason than to keep up with the lore of her world but as an addition to the series, a YA one at that, it pales in comparison to her other books.

Goodreads
Author’s Website
Pre-order this book from your favorite indie bookstore!

“I don’t think he meant to kiss me,” I said finally.
“What? Did he slip and fall on your mouth? Those things are known to happen.”

Tell me if this has happened to you:  Say you read YA, and you’re loving some paranormal romance (the fact that it’s beat to death be damned) and you’ve exhausted the four, maybe five original YA paranormal romance novels out there but you’re still hooked on that otherworldly feelin’. You’re not ready to go back to real life! So you settle for one (or several ) of the overly mass-produced, black covered tomes that swarmed the Teen section of the bookstore, like a plague of angst-ridden, emo locusts, in the wake of the cataclysmic literary (*scoff*) event that was Twilight. The all look exactly the same and every one of them is a variation of the one before. So you get a bit fed up and that jaded portion of your brain that was sick of this shit, and your shit, long before you yourself realized it, says “Hey, I could write a YA book.” You’ve said it. I know you. And you’ve joked with your book buddies about how you would create the perfect YA paranormal romance by including all the cliches you’ve been nearly beaten to death with in your recent reading. You’ve got a good eye for this sort of thing, and you could have made it work. Slap a hot cover on it and you would’ve had a best seller.

BUT YOU DIDN’T DO IT.

Don’t feel bad. Neither did I.

But Jennifer Armentrout did. She totally did. And I’d wager she did a better job of it than those of us with our overly inflated sense of selves ever could because she’s just far more awesome than we are.

Katy is the new chick in town (you can make a mental list of key YA paranormal romance elements as I read aloud). She’s kinda hot but she doesn’t know that she’s actually that hot (because she’s down to earth like that- she likes to garden, yo.) She lost one parent to a horrible illness (illness, car accident, science experiment gone wrong, lost to the world of the Fae…it’s all the same) and now she and her mom are trying to start over in a new place. Her mother is blissfully absent, having thrown herself into her work to drown her sorrow, thus providing a nearly unsupervised stage for her hormone laden teenager to play (like total check). They move in next door to THE HOTTEST THING WITH A PENIS EVER TO WALK THE EARTH…EVER. He has the sweetest, kindest, most innocent, naive little simpleton of a sister that instantly becomes Katy’s BFF and because he doesn’t feel this friendship is safe for his baby sis, HOT GUY (whose name is Daemon) despises Katy with all the heat of hell and does everything he can to drive her away. But Katy has backbone, and while Daemon is yelling at her and trying to intimidate her and INVADING HER PERSONAL SPACE IN A MOST THREATENING MANNER, she’s thinking about doing him but she DOESN’T, because she’s just that HARD CORE. Come to find out, Daemon is only an asshole on the outside. Inside he’s something VERY DIFFERENT and VERY DIFFERENT things must wear an asshole suit in order to disguise their VERY DIFFERENTNESS.  Daemon and his sister have a secret they must protect, and having Katy involved might just lead to their downfall, not to mention that Katy could be STRUCK WITH DEATH for being involved.

It’s all very dark and ominous and countless red flags are going off, just screaming “RUN AWAY, KATY! RUN.” But does our girl ignore the flashy neon warning signs surrounding this overly odd family? No, of course not, because then we wouldn’t have a story. You see, (wait for it…I swear it’s going to blow your mind) Katy is a YOUNG ADULT BOOK BLOGGER and this sounds a lot like some of the books she’s been reading so she’s sticking with her new BFF, warning signs and psycho brother be damned.  She’s going to keep making her IMM vlogs and putting up her Waiting on Wednesday posts and participating in her memes and she’s gonna hang with her new bestie.

It’s calculated and manipulative and perhaps one of the finest cases of pandering to your audience I’ve witnessed in a book and it’s freakin’ brilliant.

I swear you guys, this is amazing shit and by far THE BEST YA paranormal romance I’ve read because THAT IS WHAT IT WAS DESIGNED TO BE.

Final Thoughts:
In all seriousness and nearly all joking aside, I was blown away by this story. It’s dark and mysterious and so so sexy and aside from the book blogger shout outs, surprisingly devoid of cheese. It doesn’t take itself too seriously. Armentrout knew what she was doing when she starting weaving this web and I haven’t read a single review to the contrary.  Even if we forget about the MARKETING GENIUS strategically sprinkled throughout the story, and shake off the brain washing and only focus on the story, it’s still a damn fine one. It’s well written, complete with well defined characters, a nice tighty-whitey plot and setting, detailed background and history and ALL THAT. Just like a real book!

AND IT IS ABOUT ALIENS. SERIOUSLY. ALIENS.

You can’t dislike it…I mean…she tailor made it for you. It was all for you…

Goodreads
Author’s Website
Publisher’s Website. (If this is what Entangled is producing, we WILL be spending more time together.)
Buy THIS Book

I just haven’t felt like blogging. You’ve probably been there. On top of that, I’ve been in a reading slump and the few books I did finish (some good, some bad), I just wanted to read without the pressure (entirely self-imposed mind you) to formulate coherent, intelligent thoughts about the story afterwards. It’s all very selfish and rude and a bit wonderful. I know you understand.

The Books: I’ve married the most marvelous man. When I approached him the other day and lamented the fact that I had nothing to read and that it was killing my soul to be without a book and pleaded that he simply must take me to the bookstore, right that very minute, he asked why I couldn’t just read one of the hundreds of TBR books I currently have in my possession. I answered that I couldn’t read those. Those are there in case I’m ever in a situation where I can’t get more books.

“Oh, so they are like, emergency books?”

“Yes.”

And then he took me to the bookstore, because he couldn’t fault me for my disaster preparedness and my perfectly sound reasoning.

Here’s what has shown up, been purchased or received for review since the last time we had this chat:

Zombie Apocalypse people. It’s real and I’m ready.

The Baking: I haven’t really been in a baking mood, but I have made several batches of these little lovelies:

Mine in no way resembled the above (they were much more spontaneously formed), but they were wonderful!

Feel free to stop by and take a gander at our book talks- in some of them we actually sound quite smart…and the rest of the time, IT’S LIKE WE ARE CHEWING WITH OUR MOUTHS OPEN.

Author: Tiffany Reisz
Publisher: Harlequin Mira
Date: July 24th 2012
Pages: 400
Genre: Romance- Erotica
Source: Netgalley

From Goodreads: Notorious Nora Sutherlin is famous for her delicious works of erotica, each one more popular with readers than the last. But her latest manuscript is different—more serious, more personal—and she’s sure it’ll be her breakout book…if it ever sees the light of day.

Zachary Easton holds Nora’s fate in his well-manicured hands. The demanding British editor agrees to handle the book on one condition: he wants complete control. Nora must rewrite the entire novel to his exacting standards—in six weeks—or it’s no deal.

Nora’s grueling writing sessions with Zach are draining…and shockingly arousing. And a dangerous former lover has her wondering which is more torturous—staying away from him…or returning to his bed?

Nora thought she knew everything about being pushed to your limits. But in a world where passion is pain, nothing is ever that simple.

So I was in a store the other day, and since I live in south Mississippi, this is the kind of shit that happens- a radio talk show was being played in lieu of Muzak and on this show they were talking about JESUS and SIN (only one of which interests me, I’ll let you decide which) and some bored, frigid, anal-retentive soccer mom (probably from Brevard County Florida) was expressing her disgust at having been duped into reading Fifty Shades of Grey after hearing that it was a “romance.” She then went on about how it was amoral smut and no one should read it. I could hear the spittle hitting the mic as she waxed passionately in a religious fervor over the atrocious insinuation that ANYONE would read that book and enjoy it! And since I live in south Mississippi, and I’ve become desensitized to this shit over time, I flipped-off the ceiling, got what I came for and left. Of course Fifty Shades of Grey is smut. I don’t believe for one second that anyone can seriously claim to have heard otherwise. On my way out the door, I remembered that I had received a copy of The Siren on my Kindle and I decided to go home and give it a go if for no other reason than to come back here and lie to anyone dumb enough to believe that this book is a romance novel.

But no really, it is not a romance novel. It is exactly what Tiffany’s character, Nora, bills it as. It is an anti-romance novel. It isn’t about the heat and passion and wonder of a budding new relationship, it is about the burning, desperation and pain of a dying one. And it is incredibly moving and so very sad.

Nora is writing a story, one about a BDSM couple, whose relationship is coming to an end because they are both very different people, who each express love in a different way. Having only ever written straight erotica, Nora seeks the help of a highly accredited editor to help her tell her story. Predictably, she and the editor develop a relationship of course and struggle to keep things professional between them until the book is finished. Nora’s relationship with the editor is just one of the many relationships in her life, each one satisfying a different side of Nora but ultimately none of them giving her the fulfillment she seeks. It’s absolutely gut wrenching to watch each of these love affairs play out and I cried more than once for Nora. She’s a wreck of a human being, utterly broken, despite her protests that she has decided to be this way.

Reisz gives a lot of insight into the whole BDSM lifestyle (much more than I wanted to know- which truth be told was ZERO), and tries to explain away what looks like blatant sexual abuse as a chosen lifestyle between two consenting adults. This is where she lost me. I GET that philosophy, really I do, and I get that this is how some people live and get off and really TO EACH HIS OWN- I can accept that it exists but you’ll never convince me that it is OK. Someone ends up in the emergency room in the name of “consensual relations” and the nurse in me COULD NEVER accept THAT. So I was more than a little weirded out by the whole thing- but shit, I read the book knowing what it was about so I’m not going to claim to be surprised.

But I’m painting an unfair picture here, because the sexual scenes in this book are few and shocking as they are, ARE NOT WHAT THE STORY IS ABOUT. The actual story, the emotion, the mindfuck, is so much more powerful and disturbing than the whips and chains could ever be. And here’s the kicker, unlike that popular smut floating around out there (with its laughably nonexistent plot and THE MOST god-awful writing) this is amazingly well written and a thoroughly heartbreaking story. I give full marks to Reisz for her writing and story telling ability. Nora’s life takes the reader through every imaginable sensation and it’s emotionally exhausting. However, I dug down deep, and still couldn’t find one ounce of respect for Nora as a person (could find all sorts of kudos for Nora’s writing) and ultimately that fact (and the fact that this is just not my thing) will keep me from reading anything further in the series.

I had two MAJOR issues (aside from Nora herself), one being the ER instance mentioned above and one being Soren’s identity which was for pure shock value and in poor taste- completely unbecoming of Miz Reisz’s writing ability which is far better than the tabloid turn of events that was Soren.

That’s it.

Author: Margot Livesey
Publisher: HarperCollins
Date: January 24, 2012
Pages: 447
Genre: Fiction
Source: Purchased

From Goodreads: Fate has not been kind to Gemma Hardy. Orphaned by the age of ten, neglected by a bitter and cruel aunt, sent to a boarding school where she is both servant and student, young Gemma seems destined for a life of hardship and loneliness. Yet her bright spirit burns strong. Fiercely intelligent, singularly determined, Gemma overcomes each challenge and setback, growing stronger and more certain of her path. Now an independent young woman with dreams of the future, she accepts a position as an au pair on the remote and beautiful Orkney Islands.

But Gemma’s biggest trial is about to begin . . . a journey of passion and betrayal, secrets and lies, redemption and discovery that will lead her to a life she’s never dreamed.

It kills me that I didn’t like this book. There. I said it. You can say “Jane Eyre retelling” anywhere within earshot and I’ll be running off to buy the book before you fully get the words out of your mouth (I mean seriously, IT’S JANE EYRE), so I wasn’t surprise when I couldn’t rest until I had my greedy little hands on this book. I snuggled up with it. Here we go. I’m ready. We’re going to go to someplace cold and lonely and damp and English, even if it’s not England, and we’re going to visit Jane- in whatever form she chooses to take. You’ve been a busy little shape shifter here lately, Miss Eyre, what with your renewed popularity but no doubt I’ll be able to recognize you.

But…

Jane never showed up. Instead, I had a long visit with one Miss Gemma Hardy who briefly resembled Jane when dear Miss Eyre was poor and pitiful. But if you remember, Jane grew a rather impressive back bone whereas Hardy just stayed a miserable child, ever the downtrodden orphan, with nary enough sense to get out of her own way. Gemma never grew up. Well, she never matured, that is. I get that she’s suppose to be young but she was the exact mental age at five that she was at 18.

And yet I could have overlooked Gemma’s lack of magic if the words themselves could have been bothered to hold any. There were no magic words. Even if you take the “Jane Eyre retelling” out of the equation, and stopped looking for that familiar Eyre magic, you still have only words on a page, failing to stir any feeling.

Gemma’s relationship with her employer, Mr. Sinclair, was rather awkward and clumpy, and their stolen moments before their marriage, after having only just fallen in love, weren’t romantic, weren’t touching. Mr. Sinclair was oogie and so were his affections towards Gemma. I just wasn’t feeling the connection. The chemistry, if it was there, was of the elementary school science fair project variety.

And this magical “Eyre” place I had hoped to be transported to, turned out to be Scotland which is all well and good but the descriptions were so very muted that I couldn’t get the feel for the country side that I needed to stay connected.

Just blah. And I’ve reached the point where the blahness has seeped in and my writing is blah. So we stop now.

Go and read April Lindner’s Jane Eyre retelling, Jane, if you’re still wanting.

Author: Rachel Hartman
Publisher: Random House Children’s Books
Date: July 10, 2012
Pages: 467
Genre: YA- Fantasy
Source: Book Fairy

From Goodreads: Four decades of peace have done little to ease the mistrust between humans and dragons in the kingdom of Goredd. Folding themselves into human shape, dragons attend court as ambassadors, and lend their rational, mathematical minds to universities as scholars and teachers. As the treaty’s anniversary draws near, however, tensions are high.

Seraphina Dombegh has reason to fear both sides. An unusually gifted musician, she joins the court just as a member of the royal family is murdered—in suspiciously draconian fashion. Seraphina is drawn into the investigation, partnering with the captain of the Queen’s Guard, the dangerously perceptive Prince Lucian Kiggs. While they begin to uncover hints of a sinister plot to destroy the peace, Seraphina struggles to protect her own secret, the secret behind her musical gift, one so terrible that its discovery could mean her very life.

I’ve been stewing over writing this for days. I honestly didn’t know where to begin because it can be hard to write what’s in your heart when what you feel is just a big ball of love and light with no words. There have been many enjoyable books in my reading life, but very few that stay with me past the initial honeymoon phase after reading them. But this book, this little book…well it’s one of those books that move in. A small earthquake happened in my house, which is odd considering I don’t live some place where those things happen. Upon closer investigation, the rumbling was discovered not to be an earthquake but was instead coming from the locked book cabinet that is the top half of my antique secretary desk. It was the Favorites cabinet, and it was clearly shaking. The books were afraid. They felt it. They knew. They knew that one of them would most likely be leaving the over-full case because upon closing the book after the final word, we both knew that Seraphina had claimed a spot.

This book has dragons in it. Who amongst you can deny that when you hear tale of a story about dragons, your inner child’s little face doesn’t still light up with that dreamy glow of wonder? It’s about dragons and there’s a lot of magic in that alone. I could spend hours chattering on about the many, fantastic, little idiosyncrasies that add up to make the marvelous whole that is Hartman’s idea of a dragon. I forever picture them, studying mankind with their own, fake humanoid heads cocked slightly to the side in awe and bewilderment at how we are ruled by our emotions when to them the deciding factor should only ever boil down to what is logical.

      “Do your people pass emotions through your blood, mother to child, the way we dragons pass memories? Do you inherit your fears? I do not comprehend how this persists in the population- or why you will not crush it,” said Eskar.
      We prefer not to crush our own. Call it one of our irrationalities,” said Prince Lucian, smiling grimly. “Maybe we can’t reason our way out of our feelings the way you can; maybe it takes several generations to calm our fears. Then again, I’m not the one judging an entire species by the actions of a few.”

Seraphina was a marvel of a main character. Flawed from start to finish and hampered by society’s idea that she shouldn’t even exist, she doesn’t just overcome nearly impossible obstacles (like a trumped up female superhero), she does the bravest thing anyone with nearly insurmountable odds against them can do and that is to get on with her everyday life. Tied to both the dragon and human worlds, in ways she dare not speak aloud, Seraphina finds herself in a position to exert considerable influence upon some of the celebration’s key players. Her love of music, inherited from a mother she never knew, has led her to the royal court where, as music mistress, she keeps close company with the royal family. On the other hand, she coexists easily with the city’s dragon population, thanks in part to a loved one who saw to the more secretive aspects of her education. But even with the key role she ends up playing, Seraphina’s actions were never once focused on bettering her situation or easing her struggles. She was entirely selfless…save for that one kiss.

A beautiful fantasy, set in a rich world, teeming with extraordinary creatures, and a heartrending and heartwarming tale of self-acceptance.

“The world inside myself is vaster and richer than this paltry plane, peopled with mere galaxies and gods.”

I want that tattooed on my body.

A bit of a spoiler- highlight to spoil: Reading Seraphina’s thoughts and feelings on her well guarded secrets and struggles, I couldn’t help but to relate it to one I carry, and perhaps to one any of us carry. Maybe we’re not flawed. Maybe we’re not imperfect….maybe we’re just dragons. And I can live with that.

“Oh it’s over there.”
“I think we have it but if you can’t find it, we can order it.”
“It might be in the back. We’ll have it out in a few days.”
“Can you spell the title and the author’s whole name?”
“It says we have it. It’s on one of the tables.”

And my favorite is when I find it alphabetized by the author’s first name. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened.

So I’m stuck driving, or ordering books and neither of those things make me very happy. It does the opposite, in fact. And I hate it. But I’ve decided, after today’s wasted trip to BAM (I wanted The Flight of Gemma Hardy and The Probability of Miracles) I’m never going to go there again.

The Books: Despite the above bitching, I did get a few books this week, from various sources.

For Review:

The Sweetest Dark by Shana Abé. If you’ve never read anything by this author, STOP what you are doing and read The Last Mermaid. Just, wow. It has naughty bits and is a romance but oooooooh so lovely.

Bought:

The Summer Tree by Guy Gavriel Kay. Angie, I went digging through your Goodreads shelves again- this time for fantasy.

From a very kind book fairy:

Seraphina by Rachel Hartman. I’m reading this now and it is everything you want it to be.

The Baking:

Though my technique and presentation leaves a lot to be desired… I’ve got effing Boston Creme Pie Cupcakes.

      “Do your people pass emotions through your blood, mother to child, the way we dragons pass memories? Do you inherit your fears? I do not comprehend how this persists in the population- or why you will not crush it,” said Eskar.
      We prefer not to crush our own. Call it one of our irrationalities,” said Prince Lucian, smiling grimly. “Maybe we can’t reason our way out of our feelings the way you can; maybe it takes several generations to calm our fears. Then again, I’m not the one judging an entire species by the actions of a few.”

Retro Friday is a weekly meme hosted by Angie @ Angieville and focuses on reviewing books from the past. This can be an old favorite, an under-the-radar book you think deserves more attention, something woefully out of print, etc.

The Wee Free Men

Author: Terry Pratchett
Publisher: HarperCollins
Date: April 29, 2003
Pages: 263
Genre: Fantasy
Source: The locked cabinet- for only the most special books.

They say that the Chalk is too soft to grow a witch. Witches flourish best on land made of the tougher elements and where a good hard earth has been known to produce a good hard witch, no one has ever heard tale of one being born of Chalk. The Chalk is made of millions of seashells, of the bones of tiny creatures that lived when the land was under the waves. It is softer than clay, covered with a fine green down of grass and has been the home of the shepherding family, The Achings, for as far back as anyone would care to remember.

An Aching has always watched over the hills, guarded the sheep and in their own quite mundane way, kept safe their world, from any other wandering worlds that might threaten to collide with it. It’s a simple matter of doing what needs to be done, and being the one willing to do it. It may be nothing more than finding a lost sheep, curing an ailment, showing someone a different way to do things- whatever it takes, to finish the job.

Tiffany wouldn’t call herself a witch. Well, she’d like to, if such a thing were allowed, but the folk of The Chalk do not take kindly to witches. Oh they like the results and rewards of one well enough, but they, like most ignorant people, don’t like the idea that there’s someone out there with more know-how than themselves. Tiffany is plagued with uncommonly level-headed sensibility and reason, and she often finds herself thoroughly overcome with logic. And when she sees a strange green creature lurking in her river and threatening to eat her little brother, it’s that very same clear-headedness that makes her whack it a good one, with the frying pan.

Now Tiffany is seeing a variety of creatures that she’s not suppose to see. She’s being watched..er..stalked…no wait helped, strike that- plagued by strange little blue men, with filthy mouths and even dirtier feet.

When the onslaught of magical creatures results in the kidnapping of her brother by their meddlesome Queen, Tiffany, being the one that does the things that no one wants to do (because someone has to), backed by an army of crazed blue warriors and armed with a frying pan, ventures into the world of fairy to take back what’s hers.

Here I go again, singing Pratchett’s praises and proclaiming my adoration for his stories to anyone who will listen, even if it’s only my inner dreamer, that part of me that still holds hopes that one day, magic will prevail and I’ll find myself becoming the very best witch. When Pratchett decided to venture into the the world of Middle Grade/Young Adult literature, he began with a little book called The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents. It was a cute little spin on the whole Pied-Piper legend, and was written with his usual dry, good-natured, wit. And while it still took place in his imaginary Discworld, I wasn’t as enamored of it as I am his adult books. So when he pinned The Wee Free Men, a book about a young witch with Pratchett’s own very special brand of magic (good sense, paying attention and learning to read people, places and situations, doing what needs to be done and keeping in mind that there are quite possibly unseen forces at work so don’t piss them off. Oh and Headology), I was just a bit overjoyed. I want everyone to experience his world and writing- these marvelous books that subtly poke fun at our society and very quietly urge us to THINK and QUESTION and BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, anything at all! And bringing his wisdom to those untainted enough to benefit from it (youngins), well, I just love it.

This first book in the Tiffany Aching series, introduces us to a very young witch as she comes into her “powers” and realizes just how important being the-person-who-does-the-hard-things is. Pratchett likens his witches to teachers, nurses, paranormal policeman and and other professions that our more delicate sensibilities don’t like to think about needing to be done. They are, in the Discworld, those people who are reliable and trustworthy, and Tiffany’s desire to become one is quite an honorable thing.

The series follows her development and growth as a witch, deals very much in right and wrong (and right again), and holds some of the most powerful book-magic I’ve ever read. This is a good place to start if you’re ready to learn some. And it won’t even cost you an egg.

Author: Sarah J. Maas
Publisher: Bloomsbury USA Children’s
Date: August 7, 2012
Genre: YA- Fantasy
Source: Publisher

So I read the much anticipated Throne of Glass- which I read somewhere as being stupidly hailed as a teenage, chick-lit version of Game of Thrones. Now I can’t really attest to that, having only watched two episodes of Game of Thrones before deciding that there wasn’t anyone good looking enough on it to want to see them naked and hell, I live in the south so I see enough incest in real life as it is. So if it does live up to its description then oh gee boy. We may just have the new “If you like so and so then you’ll like this” book and there will be a whole new crop of knock off books that are all JUST ALIKE.

Celaena Sardothien has just been made an offer she can’t refuse. Serving out a life or “until” sentence in the King’s iron mines, is a lowly state for a mighty assassin such as herself to have fallen. The alternative, however, could just prove to be worse. The King is gathering warriors. He claims that he is in need of a champion to protect him from the wrath his bloody and vicious rule has earned him. Celaena isn’t a fool and she hasn’t survived a year in the mines (when most usually only last days) to fall for the idea that the king needs a hero. He needs a lackey, preferably a deadly one, to carry out deeds that even the cruelest of kings won’t admit to. Celaena is given the choice of killing for the man who ruined her life or spending what’s left of it toiling away in his mines. But the decision to serve him isn’t the hardest task that faces the young assassin. Before she can sell her soul in servitude to a man she truly loathes, she’ll have to fight for the privilege and she’ll have to fight to the death.

Several things irked me to no end about this story. First and foremost, the names. Since this is a fantasy novel, and most of its readers will most likely be fantasy buffs, they’ll understand when I refer them to the Random Fantasy Character Name Generator. There are several online. True story. You go and click a button and it gives you a random name to use in character creation. Since it’s randomized, it’s not uncommon to get a series of letters that make absolutely no sense or worse, when spoken aloud, make no recognizable sound. The names in this book were absolutely atrocious but did in fact make for a good time playing “guess what animal makes THIS sound!” with all their ridiculousness. All my feeble attempts at pronunciation did serve one very good purpose- they didn’t allow me any time to dwell on the fact that the storytelling is nails-down-chalk-board terrible, and I was able to focus on the parts of it I enjoyed enough to keep reading- the supernatural mystery taking place and the slow to bloom lurve.

The story was of course, entirely unbelievable, which is quite alright since this was a fantasy. I think a great chunk of my inability stemmed from the nearly nonexistent world building. Truly, the story could have taken place in a bottle and it would have made little difference since there really wasn’t a very defined setting to start with. The plot line and the characters reaction to it was just rather naive, bordering on hokey with decisions and actions that seemed nonsensical in regards to the circumstances. After the first fifty or so “Well why wouldn’t she just, or that makes absolutely no sense” I gave up trying to see reason and just shut my trap and enjoyed the story. She is an uber assassin, right, and she hates your king and people? Well hell yeah, let her run around freely, befriend royalty and feed her lots of candy!

And it WAS enjoyable. Even with the unpronounceable names, the killer prom queen (and she sure did think highly of herself) Bratz doll main character (dubbed Assassin Barbie by my book club- not only is she physically perfect but she comes with all kinds of pretty dresses and accessories!) and the inevitable love triangle. It was fast paced and entertaining and there were several really likeable characters- I’d tell you about them but I just can’t remember their names (OErUOERjo Aofuaowefu O#WU$#AU$EU# and Mike, I think). I eventually began to cheer for Celaena, (who started the story with her head so firmly up her own ass that she could have served as a human wheel) and she thankfully (AND THANK GOD) went through a great deal of believable, documented and recognized growth that finally had her in my favor.

So final verdict: I liked it despite its faults, but you have to read it with a grain of salt as it is REALLY poor quality- which doesn’t seem to stop me from liking a lot of today’s YA. I just tend to like the seedy side of YA…I mean hell, I LOVE the HoN series. It was a fun quick read with a supporting cast I quickly grew to adore. Team Chaol btw.

My reason for being behind is a REALLY good one though- I got married! I ran off to Jamaica and married a marvelous man who buys me books and doesn’t mind (too very much) when I pet books in public.

The Books: I didn’t make it to BEA this year (again….one day) because of the aforementioned marriage and even with all the wonderful surrounding me, yeah, I was still a bit bummed. I can’t wait to go and see and meet and do and breathe that marvelous book air. It will be my turn next year. Still, I have a wonderful book fairy looking out for me and she sent me the most amazing BEA wedding present:

Shadows (Ashes #2) by Ilsa Bick
Falling Kingdoms by Morgan Rhodes
Paris in Love by Eloisa James
As well as a signed copy of The Duke is Mine by Eloisa James (who remembered me! I went all fangirl crazy over that) and Eleven Scandals to Start to Win a Duke’s Heart by Sarah MacLean.

A much appreciated gift. Bookmarks, bags, pens, chocolate and so much BEA goodness. Love it.

For Review:

First Comes Love by Katie Kacvinsky (which is god-awful btw)
What’s Left of Me by Kat Zhang
Love and Other Perishable Items by Laura Buzo
Something Like Normal by Trish Doller
The Siren by Tiffany Reisz

Bought:

Wicked Intentions by Elizabeth Hoyt
Lord of Scoundrels by Loretta Chase
Hourglass by Myra McEntire
Undone by Lila DiPasqua (which I DNF)

The Baking: Are you kidding me? It’s far too hot to turn on the oven. I made these instead:

Author: Mari Mancusi
Publisher: NLA Digital
Date: March 8, 2012
Genre: YA- Fantasy/Dystopian
Source: Publisher

Four years after a devastating disease has wiped out the vast majority of mankind, Peyton Anderson emerges from her family’s fallout shelter to find a world that bears little resemblance to the one she left behind. Broken and slowly being reclaimed by nature, it’s a hostile, unwelcoming place that holds dangers out of a nightmare. For some, the plague was a slow and painful, but ultimately, clean death. For others, it was a horrible mutilation of their body and minds, leaving them little more than flesh eating zombies.
Peyton surfaced with one goal in mind- get to her father and the team of scientist that would hopefully have the means and technology to start rebuilding the world. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but the walking dead number far more than she could have ever expected. In fact, Peyton soon learns that this new world is full of the unexpected, when the first person she encounters, minutes outside her shelter door, is the love she closed it on, four years ago.

There were a lot of good things happening in this story. First, it’s gruesome, which is the way the end of the world should be, if you think about it. It’s nice to think that a zombie plague would kill off most of mankind and we’d still get up and have an egg McMuffin the next day but that’s reaching. Mancusi, writes it, shows it to you, puts it RIGHT IN YOUR FACE and makes sure you get it. It isn’t pretty. She’s also fiercely unapologetic in her treatment of her characters. Peyton and her crew have to travel hundreds of miles over devastated, disease ravaged, zombie laden land and there is no easy mode. I’m a big fan of this.

Another win is the fact that this is a stand alone book. The ability to tell a story well and wrap it up completely in one novel is an art that seems to be missing in much of today’s YA. On top of that, the chapters constantly alternate between pre and post apocalypse, essentially giving us two stories in one. I was equally engrossed in Peyton’s past just as much as I was caught up in all the suspense of her present.

And I’m sorry, maybe it’s redneck in me, but I got the biggest kick out of the fact that her friends were surviving the after effects of a zombie apocalypse by living in a Walmart. Say what you will but that little tidbit is made up of all kinds of win. Though personally, I’d opt for a Super Target. Hell, I’d live in a Super Target now.

But for all it’s good, I wasn’t completely sold. Truth be told, I didn’t like any of the characters and I could only just tolerate Peyton. I was rather disappointed that even with all of her “enhancements” and her professed abilities, she never really blew me away with her skills and I had a hard time believing that this was the person who was going to save the world. Plus, the dialogue grew tedious in some places, especially where the children were concerned and the romance- I could take it or leave it. I wasn’t moved much either way.

All in all, I was impressed with Mancusi’s storytelling and if you’ve yet to reach the level of all-you-can-stand with dystopia, give it a go. There are zombies in a Walmart in it, people. What more do you need?

Author: Juliana Ross
Publisher: Carina Press
Date: April 23, 2012
Genre: Romance- Erotic
Source: Publisher

As the widowed companion to her late husband’s stodgy old aunt, Hannah has little excitement in her life. Left with nothing after her husband’s death, Hannah’s safety and security are entirely dependent on an employer who pays her only in room and board. Perhaps her job’s only perk is the rarely used library where Hannah spends what little free time she has. When a stolen reading hour is interrupted one afternoon by Leo, the rumored bad boy of the family, Hannah is witness to a romantic liaison that she didn’t even know was possible. Leo is well aware that he has an audience, and graciously inclines an offer of similar services to Hannah. A brief marriage lacking in affection and the hopelessly drear situation in her employer’s home, has Hannah longing to accept the invitation. But an affair with such a man, one so far above her station, could mean jeopardizing the only security Hannah knows.

I open the book, start reading and HELLO NAUGHTY BITS. And we didn’t even have dinner first! But rather than feeling cheap and used, I was instantly captivated. The story and each of Leo’s “lessons” with Hannah are told in such a matter of fact tone that the erotic elements of the story fit instantly into place. After all, they are driven entirely by education- right? Leo introduces our sheltered little heroine to vast array of experiences that aren’t usually mentioned in polite conversation. Rather than coming across as just a story full of cheap thrills, their encounters instead serve to highlight the bleakness of Hannah’s situation to such an extent that you can’t help but wish for it, if only for her sake.

The story fit perfectly within the space constraints of a novella (one doesn’t always need three entire novels worth of gratuitous sex to get the point across) and I liked that it stayed within a nice, neat, tidy little space in Hannah’s world. Inevitably, their naughty trysts led to an emotional attachment, albeit a risky one, where Hannah is concerned. And I do so love a good romance. Even more to its credit, it’s surprising well written, and brief enough to not be dampened by repetition.

This is my first experience with a title from Carina Press, an imprint of Harlequin that boasts more than a few saucy eBook titles.

The Books: I didn’t want to waste space bitching because I’m going to need the majority of the room in this post for THIS SECTION.

First, I’ve been on a search for Megan McCAfferty’s Fourth Comings with a particular cover now for awhile. Everywhere I’ve looked it’s been all about the edition with the green cover and that one DOES NOT MATCH MY OTHER ONES and things like that set off my OCD. So I found one, in Destin, in the Barnes and Noble. Lookie here:

Then, when I got home from Destin, there was a big box of awesome waiting for me at my door. In it were the wonders below:

This stack of beautiful comes from Miss Becky @ Stories and Sweeties who possesses a large share of the world’s awesome at the moment. I love her blog- it’s so happy and friendly and yummy.

For review, I snagged a copy of Improper Relations by Juliana Ross. It’s quite good and has NAUGHTY BITS IN IT. We’ll talk about it a little later on.

The Baking: NOTHING. I have to get into a wedding dress in less than two weeks.

“I’m on this new diet. Well, I don’t eat anything and when I feel like I’m about to faint I eat a cube of cheese. I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”
-Emily, The Devil Wears Prada

That’s totally a joke. Don’t be stupid and starve yourself.

“Here is a story to believe,” she said. “Once we were blobs in the sea, and then fishes, and then lizards and rats, and then monkeys, and hundreds of things in between. This hand was once a fin, this hand once had claws! In my human mouth I have the pointy teeth of a wolf and the chisel teeth of a rabbit and the grinding teeth of a cow! Our blood is as salty as the sea we used to live in! When we’re frightened, the hair on our skin stands up, just like it did when we had fur. We ARE history! Everything we’ve ever been on the way to becoming us, we still are. Would you like the rest of the story?”
“I’m made up of the memories of my parents and my grandparents, all my ancestors. They’re in the way I look, in the color of my hair. And I’m made up of everyone I’ve ever met who’s changed the way I think. ”

From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have “lost”. What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.

Douglas Adams left Earth to start out on his own tour of the galaxy on May 11, 2001. His leaving was the first time that I ever realized that my heart could break from the lose of someone I never even knew. This book was my first introduction to that dry, sarcastic English wit that I so love today. Honestly, I don’t think I would love books nearly as much as I do now if it weren’t for him. There are several books in his famous “trilogy” as well as others penned by him, and you need to read them all. So be sure to remember him today by locating and loving your trusty towel.

And while you’re sporting your towel, don’t forget to Wear the Lilac today. We wear the lilac in remembrance of those brave members of the Night Watch and The People’s Republic of Treacle Mine Road.

If you’re a fan of the Discworld series by Sir Terry Pratchett, you’ll understand the importance of the revolution in the books. But in the real world, for those of you not in the know, Pratchett was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2007, and we wear the lilac on May 25th in tribute to Terry and to raise awareness for Alzheimer’s.

I can’t say much here that I haven’t already said about Pratchett in the past. He is my favorite author. I have learned more about life (how to live it better, how to see it from different angles and how to accept the fact that I do not believe in certain things the same way the people around me do) from his books than I could ever have learned on my own. They are that important to me. He spends a great deal of time on belief, the power of words and the undeniable ability a story has to change the past, present and future of just about anything. I get a little choked up when I think that one day he will leave us for that marvelous flat world that rides through space on the back of a great turtle and deny me any more of his life lessons. In him I have a god anchor.

So do it. Grab your towel, wear the lilac and celebrate. If not for Adams and Pratchett, than for the fact that there are dedicated silly days for the things readers love most of all- books.

Author: Leigh Bardugo
Publisher: Henry Holt and Co.
Date: June 5, 2012
Pages: 368
Series: The Grisha Trilogy
Genre: YA- Fantasy
From Goodreads: Surrounded by enemies, the once-great nation of Ravka has been torn in two by the Shadow Fold, a swath of near impenetrable darkness crawling with monsters who feast on human flesh. Now its fate may rest on the shoulders of one lonely refugee.
Alina Starkov has never been good at anything. But when her regiment is attacked on the Fold and her best friend is brutally injured, Alina reveals a dormant power that saves his life—a power that could be the key to setting her war-ravaged country free. Wrenched from everything she knows, Alina is whisked away to the royal court to be trained as a member of the Grisha, the magical elite led by the mysterious Darkling.
Yet nothing in this lavish world is what it seems. With darkness looming and an entire kingdom depending on her untamed power, Alina will have to confront the secrets of the Grisha…and the secrets of her heart.

You’ll have to pardon me whilst I go all fangirl for a second:

It was impossible to read it slowly. I wanted to take my time with it, what with it still about a month until the release date, (meaning I’d have to wait even longer for a sequel) but I totally lacked the willpower to do it. It’s like when you bake a cake or cookies and you know it says “Let cool for X number of minutes.” You don’t. You eat it while it’s hot and dripping with gooey, chocolatey, melty goodness.

It would be easy to spend the next few paragraphs gushing about what a gem Alina is, and how unique and extraordinary her powers are. Several lines could also be spent in praise of Mal, who would go to great lengths in the name of friendship- even if it might never turn into anything more. Entire tomes could be penned about the world Bardugo so expertly crafted, with its brilliant, vibrant colors that constantly reflect the contrast between dark and light, the good and the evil that rules the world the Grisha live in. Yeah, all that was great but for me, nothing mattered much beyond the Darkling. Really. What a fabulous character. His quiet, unassuming presence was so intensely powerful that I swear he just ATE every scene he was in. The author could have left off all the other details because for me, NOTHING was more important than the Darkling. And oh, so many ohs, how I wanted the story to play out differently than it did.

There’s an ever so brief whiff of a love triangle that’s its own subtle sexy. It’s both unexpected and expected and very much wished for but ultimately not at all what I wanted it to be. I can’t even cite that as a reason to dislike it because what I was wishing for actually wasn’t the right thing. I kept waiting for the catch, for the say-it-isn’t-so, which that would have been the easy way out- and one thing Bardugo doesn’t do in this story is give anyone an inch until she absolutely has to.

We had a nicely inconspicuous fairytale undertone in Alina’s hunt for the stag, what with the whole sacrifice-in-exchange-for-power thing. I liked this little inclusion. It softened things a bit- the subtle reminder that while the world is wrecked by the changes brought about by man’s magic, this magic is what the world is made of, and even the Darkling can’t escape his need for it.

Love.