tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89118296386086930042014-04-07T22:26:17.250-05:00Life as a classroom...and everyone's my teacher http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.comBlogger1206125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-6298357553963843292014-04-07T22:26:00.001-05:002014-04-07T22:26:17.273-05:00When your Child is a PerfectionistIt's an adorable trait. She always follows the rules. One day, she even refused to walk into a baseball game with me because I was sneaking in food.<div><br></div><div>It made me laugh.</div><div><br></div><div>It makes her teachers love her.</div><div><br></div><div>I feel a strong sense of trust in her because, though she's younger than her sister, she follows through on her responsibilities. </div><div><br></div><div>These are all good things, yes?</div><div><br></div><div>Lately, however, I am noticing how she crumbles when she can't figure something out. I watch her berate herself when something is difficult for her. She is dying to maintain her straight A average and please her teachers, outshine her classmates. I don't ask for any of this. </div><div><i><br></i></div><div><i>I heard her hitting herself and saying how stupid she was because she couldn't understand her homework question. </i></div><div><br></div><div><b>That's just TOO much. </b></div><div><br></div><div>Even worse, when she does make a mistake or gets frustrated, she gets furious and either hits or throws something. Then, because she feels bad, she refuses to apologize. Instead she plays a victim and accepts none of the blame. When I've forced her to apologize to her sister lately, it's been a slow process. She says she's afraid that her sister won't forgive her...that her sister hates her.</div><div><br></div><div>And even worse... she will preempt the hate she believes is coming by shouting, "I hate you!" at her very heart sensitive sister, who only wants to nurture and be a good big sister. </div><div><br></div><div>Then I have two very upset little girls. </div><div><br></div><div>*sigh*</div><div><br></div><div>I am a self-professed recovering perfectionist. </div><div><br></div><div>I gave up many of my perfectionist and type-A tendencies when I became a single mother. I had no choice. She was only a year old. Surely she doesn't recall my difficulties saying, "I'm sorry" when I've done nothing but model that behavior to my girls. She was too young to remember the fits I would throw because I couldn't keep a perfect house and take care of two children on my own, freshly out of a 15 year marriage. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm better now. I am!</div><div><br></div><div>But when I try to help her...when I offer words of encouragement...or, in my less than stellar moments when I try to predict the stressful path she's creating for herself....she internalizes it. She feels doomed. She's convinced hers will be a life of misery or, at the very least, miserably trying to be better than who she is now.</div><div><br></div><div>I'm at a loss. She went to bed tonight in tears, with me begging her to understand that she doesn't need to be so perfect. That we all make mistakes. That it's okay to screw up and say I'm sorry. </div><div><br></div><div>She turned away from me, eyes red and filled with tears, and asked me to leave her alone. </div><div><br></div><div>My snuggly baby girl...and right when I felt like I was breaking her heart, I realized she just broke mine.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"> <a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-iBgg99WmMdc/U0NsV10uYwI/AAAAAAAADic/wtQbOmq8K7s/s640/blogger-image--85164481.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-iBgg99WmMdc/U0NsV10uYwI/AAAAAAAADic/wtQbOmq8K7s/s640/blogger-image--85164481.jpg"></a></div><br></div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-76406365237232460172014-04-03T15:09:00.001-05:002014-04-03T15:09:35.261-05:00When the Mistress Wants to be FriendsIt's very strange to cal myself "the mistress" but I was. Once. <br /><br />Remember <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2009/11/affair-part-1.html" target="_blank">my affair</a>? And remember that I was friends with my affair partner AND his wife during that time?<br /><br />And you may or may not remember that I've seen her at various cycling events and she's always been so kind to me. She's even joked with him that she wishes he chose to have an affair with someone that she <i>didn't</i> like.<br /><br />Oh and remember that I broke off even speaking to him because<a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2009/12/hidden.html" target="_blank"> he kept me in secret</a> even though we weren't even having an affair anymore? And occasionally, I would hear from him and he would mention that I wasn't the only one who was having <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2012/02/reoccurring.html" target="_blank">recurring dreams about her and him and what went down</a>... even though it was well over 10 years ago.<br /><br /><i>Well, I've reached out to her on Facebook to see if we can be social media friends. </i><br /><br />I know, I know. It sounds a bit strange. I've not even had dreams about them lately and I haven't heard from him in... gosh, I can't even remember how long.... But for some reason, something told me to reach out to her. To admit, again, that I hurt her but to see if we could move past the "weird" and the "dreams" and the "awkward" because I feel like we both have, on some level.<br /><br />It's nothing that is bugging me or that I need closure on. It's just... an unexplainable feeling that she needed to hear from me. I don't know why.<br /><br />She may think I'm crazy. She may respond negatively but for some reason, I doubt she will. If anything, I may not hear from her at all. I'm not even asking for any forgiveness. In fact, I told her that I would completely understand if she never wanted to hear from me. <br /><br />Something just told me to let her know that I'm sorry and that I care.<br /><br />What does it mean? Who knows? It may lead to nowhere at all.<br /><br />We'll see.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-44407653082587100322014-03-20T21:16:00.000-05:002014-03-20T21:16:54.979-05:00To anyone who's had their heart broken...Last fall, two of my single mom friends went through break-ups from their long term boyfriends. I wrote about how <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-most-important-part-of-long.html" target="_blank">I felt inspired by their courage to stand up for what they wanted</a>. <br /><br />I've also witnessed their moments of weakness and agony, wondering if they'd made the right decision. It was especially excruciating for them as neither of the men would honor their requests to keep distance and no contact. In fact, one of my friends was lured back in.<br /><br />Her man came back, 6 months later, begging her to be in his life again. Insisted he was ready for the next step - living together - and they began looking for homes to house their family of four: him, her and her two children. Then, the day before they were to sign an agreement, he decided that he was "too scared" of commitment and had "changed his mind". <br /><br />I can't even tell you how pissed off I was. It wasn't even my story and I was angry <i>for her.</i><br /><br />Meanwhile, my other girlfriend keeps getting little texts, emails and surprise visits from the man whom she'd decided was never going to commit to her. Their relationship went from great to <i>well there's an underlying problem</i> to <i>now he's saying it's MY problem</i> and then she'd had enough.<br /><br />Today, after he'd reached out to her yet again, she asked me what she should do. She's filled with such rage - tinged with sorrowful hope - and confusion, as you can imagine. Both of these women thought these men were "it". And both of them are angry, sad, and hurt.<br /><br />I suggested that she write it down. Say all that she would say to him but don't give him the satisfaction of a reply. I told her to send it to me instead, so I could share it here. We've all been here, right?<br /><br />Here are her words:<br /><blockquote><br />I hate you. I'm great. Leave me the fuck alone. <br /><br />I want nothing to do with you. What part of that don't you get? Don't come to my house. Don't email me. Don't buy me a beer. If you see me, act like you don't know me. Because you don't. You never really did.<br /><br />You never really cared to know who I was. What you did know about me you didn't like and tried to change. That's not love, it's narcissism.<br /><br />I deserve someone better than you. Someone who really loves ME. I'm a better person without you. Not sure why you feel like you need to keep me in your life. Move on. Leave me alone.<br /><br />At the end of the day, I am fine. While my mind knows that I am so much better off without you in my life, it hasn't stopped the heartache that I experience daily. I wish desperately that I could turn off my feelings that I have for you. That I would not think of you in the morning when I awake. That I would not miss you while having my first cup of coffee. That when my thoughts do turn toward you that they didn't drag with them feelings of anger, sadness, and rage.<br /><br />So I try to remember how lonely I felt laying next to you when you clearly had no desire to be with me. How you would drone on and on about yourself and your work and show such little interest in me and how I felt and what I was thinking or feeling. I try to remember how hurtful your words were towards me - how you were more concerned about my weight than my heart or my happiness. How you would snap at me and be downright mean to me when you were hungry - and would NEVER apologize.<br /><br />I don't think in the nearly three years that we were together that you ever told me you were sorry for anything. And when I remember those things, I am quickly reminded how much better off I am without you. I am thankful that I did not submit myself and my daughter to a lifetime of your criticisms. <br /><br />And I know that eventually my thoughts will not turn towards you but soon will be captivated by someone who deserves all the love I have to give. Who will cherish me and my daughter for who we are and all that we can be, but not desiring to change us before they are willing to commit to us. I pity the girl you are with now... How you are probably charming her and winning her heart... Only in a year to find herself picked apart by your criticisms and expectations for perfectionism. My prayers are for her. Not for you. And not that you'd ever care. Because what I realized about you was that you only cared about yourself. <br /><br />So why you bother to ask me how I am doing now is not so much that you really care about how I am doing. No, deep down I think the root of your question is really because you want to make yourself feel better. You want to keep me in your life and not respect me now because for so long I allowed you to get away with disrespecting me. <br /><br />But I'm strong now. I know I am worthy of so much more than you could ever give me.<br /><br />And so I will not succumb to your twisted plot to suck me down again. No. All you have done by asking me how I am is create in me an ever strong desire to kill your memory.</blockquote><br />Can I get a "GO GIRL"?<br /><br />Here's the thing: those of you that know me and have read about my divorce and break-ups... y'all know that I'm all about forgiveness and letting go of the hurt. My friends are too. No one wants to live in that dark place of anger and despair.<br /><br />So I'm also all about <i>feeling what you're feeling</i> because denying it only keeps it trapped within you. Letting it out means you're <i>letting it go</i>. I just prefer to still let it out in a non-harming way.<br /><br />My girlfriends are still hurt, yes, but are even more driven to become stronger and better. Because they understand that a partner in your life will do what it takes to STAY in your life. <br /><br /><i>Let's hear it! Any vents you want to share - here's your chance. Leave a comment and LET IT ALL OUT!</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tjVgCtHP-Fs/UyudO2bsKsI/AAAAAAAADhk/jM2HyKzkSWY/s1600/pema.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tjVgCtHP-Fs/UyudO2bsKsI/AAAAAAAADhk/jM2HyKzkSWY/s1600/pema.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-16858596615823307492014-03-12T19:10:00.000-05:002014-03-12T19:10:49.390-05:00It IS Possible.It has been a crazy 2014 so far, my friends.<br /><br />GJ and I are getting along wonderfully. We have our issues - mine, his and ours - but we're communicating well and continuing to choose each other every day. He's been hearing the, <i>"When are y'all getting married?"</i> question a lot more from his friends. We're both content with where we are, for now, and that's really good.<br /><br />We've both been struggling with woes at work. Mine are already well documented here. I am simply not happy at my current employer. I love what I do... I don't always love where I'm doing it. They're aware and trying to make things better. I'm not sure it will help, however. It's just not where I see myself.<br /><br />You see, I have this goal. As crazy as it sounds, I know that It IS Possible.<br /><br />I crave life balance. I crave financial freedom. I crave being available for my kids, my man, myself.<br /><br />Since I've started work at this place, I've found myself apologizing to my kids for missing things or working late. My poor Gentleman Jack hasn't heard a positive word from me about work in a very long time. I've not had a moment to get out and network, learn new things, meet new people. I have to get up before the sun to workout and I'm going to bed much too late. I'm tired and grouchy way too often. It's just... not me.<br /><br />I think I've even said it over and over again here. I need more... air to breathe. I need more space. I need more of taking care of me.<br /><br />And I keep making excuses. I keep getting frustrated and saying I'm gonna do it but then I get scared. <i>I'm a single mom</i>... keeps coming up in my head like a damn brick wall. Meanwhile, let me tell you how many single moms I know who are doing it. Lots. LOTS. I find myself getting jealous that they're doing it and then beating myself amongst even more excuses.<br /><br />Well this time, it's for real.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><i>*closes eyes and LEAPS!*</i></div><br />I have put the feelers out there. Reached out to those in my network. Put the word out. I'm being patient as the responses filter back to me.<br /><br /><b>I'm striking out on my own and going freelance. </b><br /><br />Nothing is set yet except for my mind. It's like a mantra playing in my head: "It IS possible. It IS possible. It IS possible."<br /><br />It's terrifying but it's time. I've been so frustrated for so long that I've finally realized, there has to be another way. If I'm this annoyed, it MUST mean that it is time.<br /><br />Also, I'm not doing this on my own. My girls are very excited for me. My man is cheering me on. I have a tiny little squad of fans (those that know) who are all agreeing with me: It IS possible. It IS possible. It IS possible.<br /><br />Even more I'm relying heavily on guidance and prayers to God. I know that things will be better than okay. <br /><br />I'm also aware that it's going to be a big change and with change comes discomfort. I know this but then I think of other times I was terrified - going back to school, quitting my job to be a stay at home mom, getting divorced, going back to work. Every time, I was scared but every time, I survived. In fact, I not only survived but thrived! I don't want to keep feeling like this 5 - 10 years from now. In order to fix that, change is inevitable. I hope to be able to report back good news very soon.<br /><br /><b>It. IS. Possible. </b><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MPkx91GRWM8/T_x4KfFdISI/AAAAAAAACZI/nvZ-n60lJZg/s1600/allow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MPkx91GRWM8/T_x4KfFdISI/AAAAAAAACZI/nvZ-n60lJZg/s1600/allow.jpg" height="232" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-2093783169779969932014-02-21T09:57:00.002-06:002014-02-21T09:58:56.929-06:00In a Long Distance Relationship, Is Missing Someone a Bad Feeling?When I look back on the history of major relationships in my adult life, there seems to have always been an issue with men whenever I miss them.<br /><br />For instance, my ex-husband, when he was traveling for work (which was all the time), he would get angry when I would have a hard day or I would really miss him and wish he was home with me. I really think that he felt helpless because there was nothing he could do about it. It's not like I couldn't move past the feeling and take care of things. I always did. However in that moment, I was having a feeling that I was sharing. Because in relationships you share feelings. Right?<br /><br />In general, I'm a <i>deep feeling</i> person and I have no way of hiding that. Trust me, I've tried. Whenever I do try to hide it, it's not even really hiding. I sort of stuff it down so that other people think I'm okay. But then it affects me and everything I do and every encounter with that person after that. I've learned enough in the past several years about myself to know that I can't hide feelings. Also, I shouldn't have to apologize when I have a feeling. I prefer to be in relationships with people where I can share those feelings.<br /><br />To continue... when I was supporting a soldier, with whom I was madly, crazy in love, while he was deployed for 15 months, I missed him. I missed him <b>so</b> much. He hated it when I said that. So, I stopped saying it. Even though I missed him like mad, I never said it to him because it made him feel bad. The last thing I wanted to do while he was being shot at during a war was to make him feel bad so I stopped talking about how I missed him. I looked for other emotional outlets. Which is mostly the reason I started this blog. Looking for other emotional outlets, like this blog and other things, however, made me feel like I was keeping myself from him. Not showing him who I truly am.<br /><br />Things are going really great with Gentleman Jack. We've come to a place where we're closer and we smile a lot when we're together. It's almost disgusting because we enjoy each other's company so much. The only problem with that, of course, is that we're in a long distance relationship. We always have to say goodbye. And when it's time to say goodbye, I feel sad because I'm going to miss him.<br /><br />Now I do know that part of the reason for that is because being with him is sort of an escape for me. I've already expressed to you that <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2014/02/worklife-balance-as-single-mom-pfft.html" target="_blank">I'm really frustrated with my job and a lack of balance in my life</a>. When I'm with him, I forget about that. I stop trying to figure it out and I relax into the precious moments with him. He also enjoys taking care of me and I like being taken care of. It gives me a break from taking care of everything and everyone. So yeah, when is time to get back to reality, I do a lot of heavy sighing and feel really bummed.<br /><br />The difference, compared to before, is that I feel like I'm okay being by myself. True, there are a lot of times that it would be nice to have someone help me. But there are also a lot of great reasons for me to enjoy the life I have by myself. After all, I've been doing things on my own pretty much my entire adult life. Obviously with the ex-husband, the deployed soldier, and a 5 year long distance relationship, I'm used to it.<br /><br />But still, for the first 12 to 24 hours after physically separating from Gentleman Jack, I'm a little bit down. I'm not crying and clinging and miserable and can't function. No, I may cry a little and sign a lot and then I'm OK. I get back into my routine. I'm around my kids. I'm way too busy.<br /><br />I've learned recently, due to an unfortunate miscommunication with Gentleman Jack, that he hates this. He can't stand the fact that I feel down after we go our separate ways. I've tried to explain to him that the down feeling is so short lived. In his mind, though, my sadness turns the great time we experienced into a negative. He says, <i>"why can't you be happy with what we just had? I feel like you want more and I can't give that to you. That sadness means that what we have isn't enough for you."</i><br /><br />I understand that his fear is that I'm going to end our relationship. This has been his fear since day one. In his mind, obviously I want more... I can't survive on my own.... I must want more than what he can give me and so therefore at some point when we say goodbye, I'm going to announce that I can't do this anymore and it's going to be over.<br /><br />I find this ironic because we've had really heavy discussions for the past several months of things that do give me pause. Mostly his lack of self-care. He doesn't take care of himself like he used to on many levels. He says he's blissfully happy with me and that's why he's let himself go. I don't like this reasoning but that's a whole other topic.<br /><br />The point is I can't ever remember a feeling of "<i>I miss you"</i> meaning <i>"I don't wanna do this anymore"</i>. In MY mind, missing someone is a good feeling. Missing someone means you love them. It doesn't mean that I'm not happy with what I have. No. In fact, what I mean is <i>"wow that was really nice! I'm sad it's over"</i>. It's kind of like eating the last bite of something scrumptious and maybe you didn't realize that was the last bite? It's a bummer in that moment but you get over it. I say this to him over and over but he won't <b>hear</b> me.<br /><br />I don't understand how missing someone is a negative feeling. The problem it causes is that, when I'm missing him, instead of reaching out and saying <i>I understand </i>- which he's usually pretty good at - he often gets downright angry with me. This then, in turn, feels negative to me, which then does make me feel a negative spin on the good time we just had. I'm baffled by this. What to do?<br /><br />Missing him is not a bad feeling. Missing him is not was going to make me run screaming the other direction. Missing someone is endearing in my heart. And if I have a feeling of sadness or longing for or missing someone, that's a good thing. That should be a reason to for him to think, <i>"she's not going anywhere"</i>. But for some reason it's not being taken that way.<br /><br />I'm curious what you all think about this? Any advice? Guys, is there another way of explaining this to him so that he understands? Or is this another one of those things where a man wants to fix it even when it doesn't need fixing. <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XwCkRojVdas/Uwd3awpzqBI/AAAAAAAADgg/w0NR2PQUVxI/s1600/missyou.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XwCkRojVdas/Uwd3awpzqBI/AAAAAAAADgg/w0NR2PQUVxI/s1600/missyou.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-39967123721473869212014-02-03T12:50:00.001-06:002014-02-03T12:52:11.357-06:00Work/Life Balance as a Single Mom? Pfft.Gosh, it's been an insane January. I'm not even supposed to be blogging right now but I'm so appalled at where I am, work-wise, that I have to get it down in writing.<br /><br /><b>I don't think I've ever worked anywhere with such negativity, selfishness and mistrust.</b><br /><br />I've said that since the first week here. I could tell that no one on my team liked or trusted management... and I could tell from discussions with management that they felt likewise.<br /><br />I've now worked here over 5 months and I'm seriously beginning to question my career path. I have some "must haves" that I asked for when I interviewed here and they were eager to meet me there. Now, they're not sure about these things happening for me at all.<br /><br />The funny thing is, I work with A LOT of younger, fresh-out-of-college people who have high expectations, salary-wise and otherwise, and it's highly annoying to me. Then again, I'm the ONLY PERSON WITH CHILDREN at this place so I have high expectations too.<br /><br />There are things that I require as a single mother. There are times that I need to be with my children. These past few weeks have pressured me to put this place above my children - even leaving them at home alone in the evenings - and that does not make me happy. Yes, they're old enough but they shouldn't be home without me into the late evening.<br /><br />But what's the alternative? I'm tired of trying new jobs only to be disappointed. I'd love to branch out on my own but I'm scared. I need to control my own schedule. I need to be able to do my job without micromanagement and the "Are you done yet?" stuff. There have been too many times that I've had to breathe myself off the ledge or else I'd walk right out the door. There have been too many times I've questioned my own knowledge of this stuff because management wants it done completely differently than other places.<br /><br />Everyone here complains about that. Everyone here hates management. Everyone here is out to protect themselves and screw you, you're on your own.<br /><br />Management reacts and we all suffer. It SUCKS.<br /><br />So... I'm seriously wondering if there's a better career path with more balance and more respect for motherhood. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for putting my family first. Ever.<br /><br />Anyway, that's what's been keeping me so busy lately. I've not had a single moment to think, let alone write.<br /><br /><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-73874352224416811792014-01-08T13:32:00.003-06:002014-01-08T13:35:51.958-06:00Listening is an Act of LoveI swear my man sees things like no one else does. Or maybe others do but I've never experienced a sense of intuition or insight as I do with him. I'm ever learning from him just by having him in my life. <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">***** </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>During the weekend I was in Louisiana, Gentleman Jack came to me annoyed. It seemed that his teenaged son, a brilliant mind in his own right, is getting lazier and lazier when it comes to his grades. We're reminding him that he's going to be looking at colleges soon. This is NOT the time to get lazy.<br /><br />In this particular instance, he was avoiding working on a project that he'd been assigned a LONG time ago and was due the next day.<br /><br />After GJ told me the problem, my first question was, "Well are you bugging him about it or are you letting him see the natural consequences of his actions on his own?"<br /><br />GJ looked at me, squenched up his eyebrows and walked away. I wasn't sure what I did wrong. I followed him to where he was sitting and continued to explain my questioning.<br /><br />"I wish you'd just support me instead of questioning my methods." he told me.<br /><br />Wow. I didn't even realize that I was doing that. I actually WAS questioning how he handled it and even began to offer advice when he stopped me. I immediately apologized and simply sat with him and listened.<br /><br />I guess I'd fallen into <i>advice-giving</i> since that's usually our only choice over the phone. It was nice to have my presence and my attentiveness be all that he needed in that moment. Maybe he needs that more often than I'm offering it. <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">*****</div><br />Yesterday, GJ sent me a text in the evening to let me know that he was going out for a drink with a mutual girlfriend of ours. When I spoke with her during the holidays, she had just begun dating someone. Apparently, now she needed "man advice". She went to the right man.<br /><br />Later that evening, GJ texted and asked me to reach out to her. He hoped he'd given her the advice she needed but he wanted me to make sure.<br /><br />In her words,<br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">"(GJ) is awesome! I really am so thankful for his insight. So wonderful and helpful! He's a good guy!"</blockquote><br />Not only is he a good guy, he's a great listener too. <br /><br />When I talked to him later that night, he told me a little more about their conversation. It seems that she was making a lot of assumptions in this new relationship. GJ's advice? TALK to the guy!<br /><br />"Open and honest is just the way I like to do things."<br /><br />I beamed when he said that. He's always been that way with me. And I especially love that others know that he's the one to go to for insight. She's not the first.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">*****</div><br />He is my best friend for many reasons. If I can say anything at all about him, it's that he always gives great advice. Great advice comes from great listening. And listening, especially the way he does it, is most definitely an act of love. <br /><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0ySmQdmtHnI/Us2nZvlzJqI/AAAAAAAADeE/p92qX-EaUmg/s1600/listen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0ySmQdmtHnI/Us2nZvlzJqI/AAAAAAAADeE/p92qX-EaUmg/s1600/listen.jpg" height="264" width="320" /></a></div><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"></blockquote><br /><i>This post inspired by <a href="http://youtu.be/8rgJRzz_zHo" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">StoryCorps</a>.</i><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-28505772157077530732014-01-05T22:24:00.001-06:002014-01-06T09:10:29.067-06:00The Best Laid Plans...Best Get LaidLet me begin by explaining that I am planner. I simply like the details and knowing that I have something to look forward to, something that is within my control.<br /><div><br /></div><div>So for months I've been saying that for my birthday, I wanted to escape somewhere in the woods with my man. He's heard me over and over...but I wanted HIM to plan it. That, in itself, was difficult for me because he is so NOT a planner. I helped him by doing the research and sending over some options. As the weekend grew closer, however, he seemed overwhelmed with the whole idea. </div><div><br /></div><div>Grrr...that really irritated me. Then again, why am I expecting him to be something that he's not?</div><div><br /></div><div>Then <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/12/ending-year.html" target="_blank">I found out that my friend Marie only has months to live</a>. I let Gentleman Jack off the hook and said I would spend the weekend with her instead. </div><div><br /></div><div>But, bless her, she is flaky like whoa. Knowing this, I didn't make any firm plans with her, didn't put a reservation in anywhere, because I wanted to check with her as the weekend got closer. Sure enough, she and her whole family had the flu but she was waiting until Saturday to tell me. </div><div><br /></div><div>I postponed time with her and reached out to GJ again on Friday morning. He had mentioned a hunting trip with a friend so I knew there was a distinct possibility that I'd be spending yet another weekend alone. And I did NOT need to be alone anymore. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have been putting him through a roller coaster lately with my emotions and depression. Plus I do this whole thing where I say I'm okay when I'm really not. He knows I'm not okay but I'll yell at him that I am and to leave me alone. Then he feels stuck in this place of fighting me and pissing me off or questioning me and pissing me off. In other words....he...has kinda had his patience tried. </div><div><br /></div><div>With all of this in mind, I was short and irritable with him while inside I was longing to be with him. All that I'd wanted for months was a weekend with him and no kids. And I needed nature. God knows that outside is so much better for my psyche. </div><div><br /></div><div>I was nearly in tears when I bitched that my weekend was free but I didn't want to be alone. "Well get your ass over here," he said. I insisted that I wanted to be outside. Being the outdoorsman that he is, he was of course ready to oblige. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm amazed at how that made me feel better. Just knowing that, no matter how freaking <i>insane</i> I am, he is still ready to be my steadfast and true love.</div><div><br /></div><div>After my weekend decision was made, I settled down so much. I also realized that I needed sex. It has been months since I'd had sex. I've had hormonal issues and then, when he spent Christmas with me, I'd just had my tubes tied. I remembered in my marriage how my emotions would be all over the place and we'd fight more until we had sex. Then we'd be okay again for a while. It was worth a shot.</div><div><br /></div><div>I wasn't in his door 5 minutes when I said, "Okay, let's go have sex now." Nice foreplay, huh? He practically carried me to the bedroom. Even with that, however, he was so patient and gentle with me. So loving, warm and kind. Why on earth does he put up with me?</div><div><br /></div><div>It wasn't the most ideal weather conditions on Saturday but we did get outside to go fishing on a local lake. While there, he noticed I was sighing and asked now I was doing. "Water," I told him, "feels like a caress from God. I'm just so relaxed and happy right now."</div><div><br /></div><div>He gets it. Because he feels the same way. </div><div><br /></div><div>This morning, I snuggled up to him and just stared at his face. So handsome. So manly. </div><div><br /></div><div>And no wonder this mess - this long distance - is so tough on us. We're both so deeply ingrained in our own lives that it's hard to share these moments when neither of us has to talk. When we can simply use touch to communicate. When we can enjoy something as calming as being outdoors together. When we can recognize each other's needs in happy times, in the quiet and in those moments when we're sharing a meal, a bed or a deep sigh in nature. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am doing what I can to get past the triggers, the tough times, the depression. He doesn't always understand it but he's still there with a smile, big strong arms to hold me up and (somehow) the patience to put up with my crazy.</div><div><br /></div><div>I wish I could bottle up this content feeling and open it every time I doubt. I guess that's what this blog is for, isn't it?</div><div><br /></div> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-49722814720265060882014-01-02T21:45:00.000-06:002014-01-02T21:45:00.453-06:00Soldier Got MarriedSo in the midst of <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2014/01/holding-on-to-memories-and-moments.html" target="_blank">everything else</a>, Soldier got married.<br /><br />If you've been reading since the beginning of this blog, you'll recall that I started writing here while he and I were dating. I had vowed to stop writing about him after finding out some <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2011/03/bittersweet-closure.html" target="_blank">hurtful truths about our "relationship"</a>.<br /><br /><i>But then, last night, Gentleman Jack asked me how I felt knowing that my ex made it down the aisle before I did. </i><br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br />Where do I begin?<br /><br />Let me back up...you see GJ, Soldier and I all<a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2011/07/duel-for-my-honor.html" target="_blank"> went to high school and graduated together</a>. We know many of the same people. Oh it's crazy how our lives intersect. Oh and Facebook. Facebook puts so many things in our faces, doesn't it?<br /><br /><br />I was at GJ's 2012/2013 New Year's Eve party when one of our classmates, who knew that Soldier and I had dated, dropped the bomb that he was now engaged. Again, I felt happy for him, wishing him well. I assumed it was the girl that was in his battalion, the girl I found out about in my <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2011/03/bittersweet-closure.html" target="_blank">tear-stained 2011 closure post</a>.<br /><br />Over the course of the year, I found out more about his fiancee, his engagement and impending nuptials. <br /><br />He was engaged on my birthday in 2012. He got married on my birthday in 2013.<br /><br />Should I take that to mean anything? Well, the man had my birthday practically engraved in his mind. Should I read between the lines and assume he was trying to recalibrate that date with another memory? Who knows.<br /><br />The blushing bride? Well... she came up a lot while we were dating. And she was not the other girl from his battalion. <br /><br />You see, I knew that the bride's family and his family were friends. He'd known her since she was a small child and we were in high school. I knew that she and he had dated before he and I began seeing each other. I also recall, with absolute clarity, when she began emailing him during his deployment. I never asked about those emails but he divulged plenty.<br /><br />He also offered to fly her in, during our <strike>weekend from hell</strike> <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/search/label/R%20and%20R" target="_blank">R&R weekend</a>, to have sex with me. She, apparently, had never been with a woman and he wanted to resolve that for her.<br /><br />Oh and when he was calling me on my birthday and until he returned from deployment? During that time when he was hounding me to get back together? They were actively "in a relationship". They began going out again when he came home. Right when he was accusing me of trust issues because I couldn't understand how secretive he was acting.<br /><br />Ok, okay....I guess every story has to have a bad guy, right? I'm sad to say that he's looking like the bad guy in every way on this blog.<br /><br />The truth is, he <b>told</b> me that he stacked girlfriends so he would never be alone. He was honest with me that he <i>always </i>has to have a girl in his life.<br /><br />It's not like I didn't know. It's not like I wasn't warned.<br /><br />Funny how we only listen to what we want to hear.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2MGQXji0Mf0/UsWFi-iHWRI/AAAAAAAADdk/mxUhZryQTIY/s1600/maya-angelou-quote.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="176" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2MGQXji0Mf0/UsWFi-iHWRI/AAAAAAAADdk/mxUhZryQTIY/s320/maya-angelou-quote.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />So Gentleman Jack saw the wedding pictures on Facebook and brought it up to me. I'd not mentioned all that I knew or when I found out these things. It wasn't important.<br /><br />To GJ, however, it was important to bring it up, ask me about it, make sure that I was okay. He's concerned that I was upset that Soldier got married before I did. I told him the whole story. Everything I just wrote here.<br /><br />The thing is, I'm not upset. I'm annoyed, yet again, that I was right about his infidelity. I'm annoyed at his lies and accusations. I'm annoyed that...<br /><br /><i>She has someone to take care of her. She has someone to hold her. She has someone to come home to.</i><br /><br />But that's my current state of mind. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm isolated.<br /><br />GJ knows that and is worried that I'm focused on too much of what I don't have. He's right. I know. This will get better. Or not.<br /><br />I dodged a whole lot of hell by not marrying that guy. I'm thankful for that. I was so timid, so unable to speak up for myself. So out of my mind. He never saw the true me.<br /><br />I hope, for her sake, that she's listening when he says who he is. And I hope that a piece of paper and a ring on her finger offers the both of them some sort of security so the infidelity and lies stop. There's enough of that in this world already.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-89681764086756020582014-01-01T22:32:00.000-06:002014-01-02T08:32:45.737-06:00Holding on to Memories and MomentsI'm using this blog tonight the way I used to use it. To share what I'm feeling in this moment, whether anyone is reading or not....whether anyone cares to comment or not. I just need to get these feelings out of me.<br /><div><br /></div><div>I've been holding it together all day, barely. I told the kids that we could spend this first day of 2014 in our pajamas. We slept in after ringing in the new year with our neighbors and staying up past midnight. We had oatmeal in my bed after some morning cuddles with the dog. We watched a few TV shows. I watched some college football while the girls hung out in their rooms. We practiced our archery skills in the backyard (an awesome gift and setup from Gentleman Jack to the girls). We ordered Chinese food (yeah, I know it's not traditional New Years Day fare but not every Chinese person has bad luck, do they?) We watched a sweet family movie. </div><div><br /></div><div>I spent every second of the day cherishing the moments with them. I couldn't let go of the feeling that my <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/12/ending-year.html" target="_blank">dying friend</a>, Marie, is too upset to even consider that she has to say goodbye to her children. I wonder how <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2010/09/peace-now-be-still.html" target="_blank">Jim</a> did it? He left behind a very young daughter and son. When <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/07/so-i-found-lump-in-my-breast.html" target="_blank">I found a lump</a> earlier this year, I felt the same....how could I ever leave my girls behind? How could I leave them motherless?</div><div><br /></div><div>It feels very surreal to go on my favorite social networks and read about gratitude for last year or new resolutions to rock 2014. I'm just numb. I'm sitting here, almost outside myself, wondering if anyone really means it. Is anyone really in this moment considering the alternative? </div><div><br /></div><div>I know I've said that this <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/11/thanksgiving-depression.html" target="_blank">depression prevents me from being fully grateful</a>. In actuality, the gratitude is everywhere. I'm so grateful that I'm speechless, easily moved to tears at the preciousness of the very breath I'm taking. I feel almost bitter at the fragility of it all. I've never been so grateful and yet frozen in fear at the same time. How could these things happen? How could these things happen? And again I ask, "<a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/12/looking-for-lifes-answers-does-it.html" target="_blank">Does it really matter?</a>" </div><div><br /></div><div>Does it matter that my friend lost months of her life fighting a cancer that the doctors said was gone...only to find that it has spread and she will die anyway? </div><div><br /></div><div>The very same thing happened with Jim. What a roller coaster. How fucked are you when you hear the "c" word?</div><div><br /></div><div>I keep thinking of things that remind me of her. I wrote her a thank you list when she turned 40 of 40 things I was grateful to learn from her. Just off the top of my head I can name a few:</div><div><br /></div><div>1) She introduced me to wearing thongs...and lipstick too!</div><div>2) She was my first girl kiss.</div><div><br /></div><div>As a matter of fact, I remember the exact moment that I met her. I was at my friend D's apartment getting ready to go out. D and I used to be in a band together back in the day. I still frequented the band's gigs around town, long after I'd left the band. D didn't want me venturing downtown alone and asked me to come out with him and the bandmates instead. I was sitting there in his apartment when she walked in. She had long curly hair, jeans with fringes on them, an awesome leather jacket. She was hippie personified and I, freshly 21 years old, was struck by her cool confidence. It turns out that she was the guitarist's girlfriend. Of course she was. How much cooler can you get?</div><div><br /></div><div>I was in love. She was the first girl that I ever felt that way about.</div><div><br /></div><div>We immediately hit it off. We hung out together that night and exchanged phone numbers. About a month later, I dug up her phone number and the courage to finally call her. We met for a second time that night and, believe it or not, moved in together 2 weeks later.</div><div><br /></div><div>When we moved in, it was a perfect fit. Our dishes and utensils were the exact same. Our furniture matched perfectly. We wore the same size clothes. Ours was a perfect fit from day one. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have so many memories and cherished moments. It feels like a part of me is dying. I want to curl up and cry, alone or with her. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to eat. I don't want to try to pretend that everything is okay. I only want to grieve and allow the world around me to spin on without me for a little while. I just want to put things on pause for a tiny little bit.</div><div><br /></div><div>That's all. </div><div><br /></div> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-73686825071341430572013-12-31T13:04:00.002-06:002014-01-02T08:33:19.189-06:00Ending the YearI appreciate all of the emails and comments on my <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/12/looking-for-lifes-answers-does-it.html" target="_blank">prior post</a>. It seems that everyone is concerned about me. I'm definitely at my lowest.. which usually means I'm on to something really good to come later.<br /><br />I've decided to attend Al-Anon meetings. I'll go into that more later but I got the inspiration from reading <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Codependent No More</a> a while back. I felt like I turned a corner after the first meeting but haven't had a second to attend another one yet.<br /><br />In the meanwhile, I celebrated my 44th birthday with lots of fun times with friends I rarely see. I had lots of time alone to sleep in. I was excited to see Gentleman Jack this upcoming weekend for a rare weekend alone but dammit if I didn't start to feel like I was planning the damn thing alone.<br /><br />That set me off again. Down, down, down the spiral. He's fighting with me, begging me to allow him to do something for me. Eh, another long story. I'm exhausting him with my overthinking so I'd rather just be alone anyway.<br /><br />Then this morning, I received a phone call from one of my lifelong dearest friends. We were roommates for years. We then married our spouses and spent many weekends together. We've had our children together. I've shared more with her than any other person on this planet. She found a lump in her breast, gosh I can't even remember how long ago, and withdrew from me and the world in her anger. She's been dealing with breast cancer for a while now. I've reached out, cried with her and then she withdrew again. I hadn't heard from her in months though I've felt her in my heart for weeks now. I just didn't want to bring her down with my depression. <br /><br /><b>Today she tells me that she has only months to live.</b><br /><br />I'm so pissed. I'm sick of cancer taking away those that I love. I'm pissed that when I reached out to GJ after talking to her, he insisted that I spend time with her and then added, "I hope this doesn't bring you down."<br /><br />FUCK.<br /><br />Of course it's going to bring me down. He's concerned that I'll be low again.<br /><br />HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO ME?<br /><br />I've been low for months! And what the fuck does it matter if it brings me down. If it's too hard to watch, if it scares the living daylights out of you, if it exhausts you so much, then I will withdraw too.<br /><br />I'm SO angry. And the worst part? I've looked for a photo of us together, me and my friend, and there are none. We took photos of each other when there was no one else. We were there for each other when there was no one else. But there are no pictures of us together.<br /><br />She doesn't want to be remembered the way she is now. She has to say goodbye to her husband, her 17 year old daughter and her 9 year old son. She only reached out to me because she is tired of being alone. I have no words. A phone call isn't going to help.<br /><br />Instead of spending this weekend reconnecting with my man, I'm going to spend it in silence holding my dying friend.<br />...................................<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1kzwf0JgAzg/UsMVHnJ4bnI/AAAAAAAADdU/vkAr5K37C_s/s1600/93c2256519c8507196a7d49232d0924d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1kzwf0JgAzg/UsMVHnJ4bnI/AAAAAAAADdU/vkAr5K37C_s/s320/93c2256519c8507196a7d49232d0924d.jpg" width="269" /></a></div><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-81433918155987367382013-12-26T12:38:00.000-06:002013-12-26T15:27:40.711-06:00Looking for Life's Answers: Does it really matter?It was the second year in a row where the ex took our children mid-day on Christmas and then Gentleman Jack and his boys left for home. I was yet again a blubbering mess alone in my house on Christmas evening.<br /><br />Last Christmas, I was especially touchy - even <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2012/12/christmas-single-mom-long-distance.html" target="_blank">questioning whether GJ and I would make it through 2013</a>. Honestly, we've barely scraped by.<br /><br />After my <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/12/depression-crux-of-it.html" target="_blank">last post filled with depressed rants</a>, I thought maybe I should end things with him. Maybe it's this long distance and my own codependent misery that is dragging me down. I tried to avoid talking about it but, as usual, GJ doesn't let me wallow. He wants in the dirt with me in some attempt to rescue me from myself.<br /><br />I could barely hold it together. I could barely speak up except to say that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do ANYTHING anymore. I couldn't take care of me, my kids, my job, my house, be there for any of them, my family, my friends OR him. It didn't matter what I did - everything was falling apart, people were expecting what I could no longer give, I couldn't take the overwhelming stress of it all.<br /><br />He was hurt, confused and yet stood there taking the beating. Everything that I was feeling, whether it was about him or not, he was taking the blame for my misery. Ugh.<br /><br />Since then, it has not eased up. I'm still depressed. I've had moments of smiles and happy sighs but still an ugly voice in my head dragging me down.<br /><br />I've had some clarity that leaves me questioning: <b>Does it really matter?</b><br /><br /><ul><li>Does it matter that I go into the world offering kindness and in a generally non-harming way?</li></ul>I ask this because I can think of at least 3 people who feel like their lives would be considerably better if I never existed. Like, if I died, they'd actually rejoice. This hurts me as I feel like I've been only kind but that's not how they see me. Does it really matter how I treat them at all?<br /><br /><ul><li>Same question again. Does it matter that I'm minding my own business but get blamed for something anyway?</li></ul>I ask this because I was rear-ended - yet again - but because of some strange law, insurance has determined that I was at fault. When I was just... <i>sitting there</i>. This is very disturbing to me.<br /><br /><ul><li>Does it matter when you do things to get past depression but life still feels disheartening?</li></ul>A friend came over this weekend and asked the same question. Why does it matter if I keep taking care of myself and do my best but still hurt like hell anyway? <br /><br /><ul><li>Does it matter if I keep pushing and pushing at GJ, if I keep questioning and wondering if a long distance relationship is bearable, when he stands firm and true, never wavering? And what does it mean that I smile more when he's around, sleep better when he's beside me?</li></ul>Can I finally get to the end of this thing? Can I finally stop looking at what I don't have and appreciate what I do? Will my struggle eventually become too exhausting for him and he will give up on me completely? And won't this be exactly what I deserve?<br /><br />So many questions and so much uncertainty. Does it matter if we try and try and work so hard and love as best as we can but still get hurt? I imagine this is what GJ feels. Is this what my ex-husband thought? It's how I felt - at the end of my marriage and at the end of my previous relationship.<br /><br />Is it worth it? To take a chance - on happiness, love, one person, a relationship, committing - when it could be taken away at a moment's notice? <br /><br />Would it matter if GJ and I were together all of the time? Would I still be dragged down in negativity and feeling lack? Would it matter if my job weren't so overwhelming? Wouldn't I be bored? Would it matter if I had my children all of the time and didn't have to feel like my skin was being ripped off when they walked out of my house with their daddy? Wouldn't I resent that?<br /><br />It really doesn't, does it? Nothing really matters at all. Not when I'm looking forward or behind, to the future or to the past. Just. Fucking. Now.<br /><br />I know this. GEEZ. I know that NOW is all there is but I'm stuck in the forwards and backwards. I'm just stuck.<br /><br />God help anyone who is looking for me to be sane right now. It's not happening. I'm working on it though. More to come. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-8478380961324671952013-12-08T15:03:00.002-06:002013-12-08T15:05:19.033-06:00Depression: The Crux of ItIf you haven't heard by now, there is a <a href="http://www.weather.com/news/weather-winter/winter-storm-cleon-snow-totals-20131203" target="_blank">freak winter storm</a> that has passed through the south (here in Dallas) and moving on towards the northeast. For you northerners, you're probably calling us wimps and whiners. We were let go from work early on Thursday afternoon. School was closed on Friday. Churches cancelled services today. You KNOW it's serious when church is canceled!<br /><br />The ex was traveling during the week (as usual) and wasn't due to land until Thursday afternoon. I texted him Thursday morning and asked that he leave the girls with me. He takes them on Thursday evenings, most weeks, and this was also his weekend so he was due to keep them until Sunday. I knew this weather would have us all house-bound until Monday or Tuesday when the thaw would begin. I didn't want to drive in it because (a) it's not safe and (b) because the last time I did drive in it, I was rear-ended and nearly shoved off an overpass by someone driving too fast.<br /><br />Besides, the roads have been impassable. And this:<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9vFjj70OsN0/UqTazlGOXwI/AAAAAAAADcU/h03PIEMOgqE/s1600/1424541_480564662060284_1791874281_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="427" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9vFjj70OsN0/UqTazlGOXwI/AAAAAAAADcU/h03PIEMOgqE/s640/1424541_480564662060284_1791874281_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No one had moved in over 18 hours. Thanks to <a href="https://www.facebook.com/DentonCountyScanner" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Denton County Scanner</a> for the pic.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />But the ex insisted even though it took them nearly 2 hours to drive to his place on Thursday. He said he could keep them through Monday if need be.<br /><br />I've been holed up with the dog for 3 whole days and am starting to lose my mind. I knew I wanted the girls with me. We'd be bored but at least we'd be bored together. Still, it wasn't safe to drive and they are warm and well fed at his house.<br /><br />As expected, the ex texted me this morning (Sunday) to see if we could meet halfway or if I could just come get the kids. Now, the temperature is finally 2 degrees above freezing since Thursday and is expected to hard freeze again when the sun goes down. Some roads have been thawing but not around here. My driveway is still a sheet of ice. I reminded him that he said he could keep them until Monday. He's still saying we could meet halfway.<br /><br />I went outside and attempted to shovel my driveway for 2 hours. Mind you, I don't have a snow shovel. I have a regular digging shovel. It's. Not. Working. And right in the middle of it, I threw down the shovel and began to cry.<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;">I'm tired of doing everything by myself! I'm tired of being responsible for everything. I'm tired of living by what others expect of me. I'm tired of needing permission to do anything. I'm tired. I need help. I don't want to be alone anymore!</span></b><br /><br /><span style="font-size: small;">And that's the crux of it. The reason behind the depression. The reason I can't feel happy for anyone else. The reason </span>I hate this long distance relationship. The reason I get so angry at my codependency habits. The reason I feel so tired all the time. The reason I want to run away. The reason I don't blog. The reason I don't read blogs. The reason I don't respond to emails. The reason I can't bring myself to get out and do anything. The reason I just ... can't... stand it anymore.<br /><br />I can't be happy when I see others posting the "look at what my husband did for me!" stuff on Facebook. I can't smile when I know that there are men out there making sure their wives and children are safe and warm. I can't rejoice when I know that people are being taken care of, their worries soothed, their responsibilities shared. I can't celebrate that. I LONG for it.<br /><br />Now the ex is driving on the treacherous streets with our children because... who knows! He may think it's safe. He may have been told by his new wife that she needed alone time. He may just be ready to get their bored little butts out of his house.<br /><br />And I just want to scream, yell, call him names, make him stay home with them so they will be safe. But I don't have any say in the matter. It doesn't matter what I think.<br /><br />I'm tired of that feeling. So freaking tired of it.<br /><br /><i>God, please take away these tears and show me the better of it. Show me that it's okay. Show me that I'm supported and loved. Show me that I'm not alone.</i> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-80543890483012125382013-11-26T12:42:00.001-06:002013-11-26T14:09:56.614-06:00Thanksgiving DepressionJust a quick post to say hello, Happy Thanksgiving and I hope all is well with everyone.<br /><br />I really don't have much else to say. Nor do I have time to go into what's been happening in my life. I will say this:<br /><br />I am NOT grateful this Thanksgiving though I know there is much to be grateful for.<br /><br />What they don't tell you about gratitude is that you have to actually be above the muck, frustration and heaviness that life hands your sorry ass. If you're down in it, gratitude seems like a far away island with crystal clear turquoise water and a banquet of tropical fruits and seafood that you will never see in your entire. damn. life. You know it's there but you can't close out the noise in your head long enough to actually pretend to experience it.<br /><br />And just when I feel like I can picture it, when I'm gentle enough with myself to breathe for a moment, someone reminds me that it's THEIR feelings that matter, not mine. Always, ALWAYS someone else's feelings who get put before my own. Never ending.<br /><br />So I'm off to spend a holiday where I'm surrounded by people that I'll feel the need to talk to, be kind to and nurture because that's what they've always seen from me. I'll have to pretend to be thankful and loving when in my head I'm saying, "Fuck all of y'all. When do I get mine?"<br /><br />It's not fair and it's not right but it's where I am right now. Drowning. Hope to find my way to shore soon. http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-73128052047426989172013-11-13T09:31:00.000-06:002013-11-13T09:31:42.332-06:00Dodging the GoodHave you ever seen this?<br /><br /><br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Mw9vaNS3b0s" width="420"></iframe><br /><br /><br />Maybe I'm aging myself when I post this but it makes me laugh. You see this is exactly how I am handling things right now. I know that if I'm slacking on my meditation and deep breathing, if I'm resisting nurturing my spirit, then I'm basically doing the "ho - ha ha - guard - turn - parry - dodge - spin- thrust" that results in the slap in the face so eloquently demonstrated in this Daffy Duck video.<br /><br />I tend to get wrapped up in the, "Everything is going well so I can skip today" habit even though I know myself better than that. It's usually when I'm dodging and parry-ing that something comes along to spin me out of control - just like Porky Pig did with one tiny little stick.<br /><br /><i>Gentleman Jack shoved his tiny little stick in the middle of my thrust. </i><br /><br />Wait... that didn't come out right.<br /><br />Let me explain that better.<br /><br />I tend to get triggered easier when I'm not taking care of myself. I will read into things, take things personally and let my self-worth be defined by my external experience.<br /><br />It just so happened that it was yet another self-sabotaging move on GJ's part that set me off again.<br /><br />I really hate it when it happens because I feel like I'm going to die. Like seriously. It feels like a physical pain that is going to rip me open. I find myself tossing and turning while trying to sleep. I wake up in a panic. I cry hysterically and wish really REALLY horrible things will happen to him. I hate him. I beg to be rid of thoughts of him. I can't focus or breathe or even stand up without crumbling. It is sheer holy terror.<br /><br />And the worst part of all? When I share this with GJ, he acts as if I've gone off the deep end. He puffs up his chest and says he can do what he wants.<br /><br />Then I go into this place of, "Oh my God. I cannot live like this." Even though these moments are few and far between, the force of the terror makes me want to forget he ever existed. Which then triggers HIS self-worth issues and we have the worst. fight. ever.<br /><br />It usually takes a day before we can talk with any sense at all. He will admit that I'm right and then beat himself up for ever affecting me the way he does. He will challenge me to allow him to make his own mistakes and not take it personally. He will invite me to voice my opinion and call him out on it but then I'm to stand back and let him be the idiot that he's being. He'll ask me to take care of myself and let him figure it out on his own.<br /><br />I finally decided that I need some serious therapy around this. I felt this exact same way in my marriage. I found many ways to escape the pain, even <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2009/11/affair-part-1.html" target="_blank">an affair</a>, but nothing helped really deal with it. <br /><br />After a first meeting with a therapist yesterday, I realized (or rather remembered) this about myself:<br /><br /><b>I don't feel that I'm worthy of love unless I'm helping.</b><br /><br />I think this is why I <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-hard-stuff-vulnerability-in.html" target="_blank">resented my ex-husband and felt undeserving of his love.</a> I feel the same about GJ - as I mentioned in the previous post.<br /><br />If my love/help isn't helping, if their issues are unresolvable or persistent, then what good am I? Why should they love me if I keep allowing them to hate themselves?<br /><br />Obviously, I keep choosing the same lesson over and over again. Leaving GJ - as tempting as that sounds because the pain is unbearable during those times - would be the chicken shit way out. I would not have resolved my own issue. I would more than likely choose the same situation again. After all, I didn't even know I was choosing this one. He, in fact, was saving me from myself when we first began dating. He has helped me to notice where I needed healing and I have worked damn hard to get there.<br /><br />But for some reason I can't do that for him.<br /><br />So back to therapy I go. Maybe I can learn to quit the defensive and resistant acts of pushing away what's good for me, taking care of myself and the love that's so readily available to me. If GJ and I don't work out then, I'll at least feel like I'm making a sane decision.<br /><br />To run away now would be something that I would regret for a very long time. It only reminds me how often I threatened to run away in my marriage, how many times I challenged him to divorce me and release me from my own low valued opinion of myself. Then he finally did divorce me. And here I am again.<br /><br />Back to work for me. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-12083943573715342013-10-23T10:34:00.000-05:002013-10-23T10:41:34.925-05:00The Hard Stuff: Vulnerability in RelationshipsA few weeks ago, a mutual friend of mine and Gentleman Jack's sent me a text message. Her husband and GJ used to hit the town together when they were both single. They've both settled down - he into a beautiful marriage with the sweetest girl ever and GJ, obviously, with me. They'd gone to lunch together, the 3 of them, and were texting me pictures so it'd feel like I was there too.<br /><br />After the lunch, she sent me this message:<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">"You have a great man. Missed you today." </blockquote><br />And then...<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">"That man adores you, by the way. In my eyes, he feels for you what (my husband) feels for me. And that's rare."</blockquote><br />It's not the first time I've had a mutual friend say that to me. I often wonder if he pays them! LOL! Because apparently, when I'm not around, all he does is talk about me. Actually, I've heard him doing it when I'm around too. Adored. He... <i>adores</i> me.<br /><br />I struggle with this. I struggle with it because of too many failed relationships. I struggle with it because of the long distance relationship exhaustion. I struggle with it because of his recurring depression, self-worth and self-defeat issues. I already discussed how "judgy" I feel sometimes with him in the <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/10/finding-balance-while-moving-wildly.html" target="_blank">previous post</a>.<br /><br />But a huge part of me wonders if the root struggle is that I'm not sure I've ever felt <b>adored</b>.<i> I'm not sure I'm worth being adored.</i> And if I am, I certainly don't want to take it for granted.<br /><br />Again.<br /><br />(Note: Funny how I "<a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2009/02/dating-woes-plans-and-being-adored.html" target="_blank">chose to be adored</a>" in the months prior to finding GJ when dating was wearing me out. Be careful what you ask for. You may or may not be ready for it.) <br /><br />***<br /><br />I'm currently reading <a href="http://brenebrown.com/" target="_blank">Brené Brown</a>'s <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592407331/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382538391&sr=1-2" target="_blank">Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. </a></i><br /><br />Brene is probably best known for her <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html" target="_blank">TEDx talk on shame and vulnerability</a> from June 2010. The book evolved from that talk and covers these topics as well. It's been a really tough read for me, honestly. I find myself avoiding it sometimes because of the deep fear that it will crack me completely open.<br /><br />I think I do that in my relationship too.<br /><br />The deeper I delve into this book, the more I see the fearlessness in Gentleman Jack... and the more I see the fear in myself.<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">"What we hate in others is what we're ashamed of in ourselves."</blockquote><br />I read that in <a href="http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/7-things-sex-education-should-have-taught-us-but-didnt-hesaid/" target="_blank">this article on sex education</a> (of all things) this week. I know it's true. I've read it in all of my studies on human psychology and spirituality. I know I wouldn't be triggered by GJ's "stuff" if I wasn't trying to be better than my own "stuff" as well. I hide it, though. I put on an air of <i>"I have my shit together! Why don't you?"</i> And I guess from the outside, it may appear that I do in many ways.<br /><br />But do I? Or is he just brave enough to share his weakness and I'm just too proud?<br /><br />Don't get me wrong! I have my own courage and weakness that I share against his pride as well. Maybe we have a lot still to learn from each other.<br /><br />***<br /><br />So I'm sure the question everyone is asking is...<br /><br />"He adores you. But do you adore him?"<br /><br />All that I know is I breathe better when he's around. I relax, even melting a little. I smile more. I feel comfortable, happy and calm. I feel butterflies. My heart is whole.<br /><br />I've become very aware of the temptation to fight this thing. To push it away. To resign to complete single motherhood so that I don't have to worry or care about someone else. I don't want to deal with someone else's shit. I'm tired and I have my own to deal with.... completely admitting that apparently I don't have my shit together after all. Sometimes I even resent him for not having his shit together because he doesn't have the strength to take care of mine too.<br /><br />Sometimes I wonder if I know how to be in a relationship at all. I feel like I resented my ex-husband - who adored me too, in his own way - for all of these same reasons. I can't seem to decide if I'm independent and I like it that way or if I want someone to take care of me. Neither of those sound good at all.<br /><br />I'm too scared to dive in all the way. I'm resistant. I don't want to be cracked wide open and vulnerable again. I think he is too, in many ways. <br /><br />I'm still figuring all this out. Does that mean I should be so judgmental when he's doing the same thing? Aren't I only pushing him further away from vulnerability, trust and intimacy when I do that?<br /><br />This is hard, y'all. http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-50348773354066811462013-10-12T17:24:00.000-05:002013-10-12T17:30:49.193-05:00Finding Balance While Moving WildlyIt's Saturday afternoon and I'm slumped on the couch recovering from my first full week at the <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/09/moving-on.html" target="_blank">new job</a>. So far, it's okay. It isn't that much of a step up from what I was doing previously. The company seems to be more goal oriented and organized in some ways but in other ways, not so much.<br /><br />It's a little closer to home but so far, no work from home days (unlike the last job) and no carpool buddy (unlike the last job). One morning this past week, I literally felt like driving against traffic. I'm just so resistant to being shuffled along with corporate traffic to a job where I work for somebody else. I'm, quite frankly, sick of corporate. Sick of aggressive and annoyed drivers who all feel sick of corporate too. Sick of the rat race. Sick of working so damn hard.<br /><div><br /></div><div>Then the next day I was fine.</div><div><br /></div><div>Damn PMS.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm going to step outside for a bit since there's a storm coming and the weather is cooling down. See? Here's my view:</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-igdRPTAjm7c/UlnBwD4zE1I/AAAAAAAADXA/9wbRoRlCjMo/s640/blogger-image-1337839609.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-igdRPTAjm7c/UlnBwD4zE1I/AAAAAAAADXA/9wbRoRlCjMo/s640/blogger-image-1337839609.jpg" /></a></div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I find it lovely to watch storms roll in. I think it's a trait I inherited from my father. There's something frightening and exhiliarating about it at the same time.</div><div><br /></div><div>But I digress...</div><div><br /></div><div>After finding myself in a state of overwhelm, as normal when I start a new job apparently, I decided this about myself:</div><div><br /></div><ul><li>I NEED a job that's easy, simple, and, in fact, boring so that I can devote my energy and creative thoughts to my home life with my children, my relationship with friends, my family and the quality of what little time I have wth Gentleman Jack either on the phone or in person. </li><li>I DESIRE something in my career that challenges me to continue exploring, learning and pushing me further to being pretty damn good at what I do. </li></ul><div><br /></div><div>Those two things rarely balance out. And I'm ALL ABOUT life balance. At least I think I am.</div><div><br /></div><div>What ends up happening is that I start a new job and I'm the worst friend ever, I loathe talking on the phone to GJ, I have no patience with my girls and I just want quiet. I need downtime for my mind to be quiet from working so hard. </div><div><br /></div><div>Then I'll push and push until I'm good at what I do. I feel really good about that for a little while but, unless something else challenges me to keep learning, I get bored. Or else I stay challenged but I don't like the aimlessness of what I'm doing. Or I don't like getting overlooked for what I'm doing. Then I start looking for a new job.</div><div><br /></div><div>That is when I should embrace the calm but my mind wants more. I want more. Maybe it could be better? Maybe I could be more? Maybe a new job will be the one that fits me and what I want out of life perfectly?</div><div><br /></div><div>As I said before, <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2012/05/job-hunting-like-dating-without-random.html" target="_blank">it's like dating</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>Which brings me to my relationship....</div><div><br /></div><div>It's during this time that I find I'm especially impatient and "judgy" with GJ. He's had the same job forever and he hates it. He hates it so much, in fact, that he avoids really challenging himself to do better or be better or go further. He's just sort of resigned to what he HAS to do with no joy whatsoever. My ex husband did the same thing. Drove me crazy.</div><div><br /></div><div>What is it about me that can't just settle down? That I'm always looking for more, wanting more, learning more, pushing myself, looking inside myself, analyzing, trying to figure out, digging deeper, questioning, going past balance and comfort?</div><div><br /></div><div>Is it better to be in a position of same ol', same ol'? Because both GJ and my ex husband don't push themselves any further in other ways either. Just gliding along, existing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Then there's me... Always exploring, looking at everything, reading it all, wanting to LIVE with abandon, moving wildly, taking it all in in wide-eyed anticipation of everything that anyone or anything has to offer! </div><div><br /></div><div>I am NOT the person who goes inside in fear when there is a storm coming. I'm the one who goes outside and watches the beauty of it. In fact, I dare the thrill of it. Bring it! A life with goosebumps, to me, is a life well-lived!<br /><br />I do that with a lot of things in life. For instance, I've been in a <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-most-important-part-of-long.html" target="_blank">long distance relationship with no planned future in sight</a> for over 4 years now. </div><div><br /></div><div>Is it me putting myself in a continous state of vulnerability? Because sometimes, I do long for it to just stop. For calm, for stillness, for blue skies. I long for security and answers and ground.</div><div><br /></div><div>But I also find the groundlessness, the rolling dark thunderous clouds and the possibilities of "anything could happen" both exhiliarating and frightening. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is where I am right now. Thankfully I have <a href="http://pemachodronfoundation.org/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Pema Chodron</a> telling me that groundlessness is okay and <a href="http://brenebrown.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Brene Brown</a> (whom Oprah finally found) sharing the beauty of vulnerability.</div><div><br /></div><div>I guess there's some kind of balance there somewhere.</div><div><br /></div><div>Thanks for listening.</div><div>T<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cvk8ZR99t3I/UlnJairYIfI/AAAAAAAADXQ/uqfTp03eYpc/s1600/8d2c2b527f5f62f54d0391dc8f6f8b77.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cvk8ZR99t3I/UlnJairYIfI/AAAAAAAADXQ/uqfTp03eYpc/s320/8d2c2b527f5f62f54d0391dc8f6f8b77.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AeR37wWMGCY/UlnLneg9WFI/AAAAAAAADXc/t06kwB-FUbk/s1600/sunset.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AeR37wWMGCY/UlnLneg9WFI/AAAAAAAADXc/t06kwB-FUbk/s400/sunset.JPG" width="400" /></a></div></div> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-43676881329715413522013-09-25T15:44:00.001-05:002013-09-25T15:49:37.025-05:00Moving OnAs you all know, I was <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2012/06/dream-job-landed.html" target="_blank">very excited to start my new job last summer</a>. I knew I'd be head down busy for a while as well, but I was prepared for it because I was excited to be doing something that I was actually interested in.<br /><br />We also know how that affected my relationship with Gentleman Jack. He felt as if I was too busy and too exhausted to devote any time to a long distance relationship. It also affected my health, my emotions, my well being... my sanity....<br /><br />Well, after many frustrations with the current job, I am moving on to another position starting next week.<br /><br />Getting the job was pretty easy. So easy, in fact, that I'm sort of scared because they haven't really asked me for my skill set... they've just gone off of my resume, recommendations and meeting with me. They like my personality and think I would be a great asset to the team.<br /><br />Again, it is something I'm very interested in and a lot more focused than my current job. It's a little closer to my house but still a good drive away. I'm hoping they're a more understanding of my life balance focus (I stressed it in the interview) but again, I'll be very busy learning the ropes for a while.<br /><br />Looking over the posts from the past year, I've noticed I'm finally in a place where I feel more balanced, if not bored, with my current position. What's wrong with bored? Well, then I become complacent. So, I push myself to do more. New position? Sure! Why not?!<br /><br />I'm also feeling very focused. Scared but focused on taking care of things that have been bugging me lately. Finding a new job is only the first step.<br /><br />I'm feeling like I'm tired of this <i>winter of discontent</i> and ready to move on in lots of areas of my life.<br /><br />We'll see what happens.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_usIIiZ7xlE/UkNL71RwfII/AAAAAAAADWQ/nzZoYzNKv6Q/s1600/focus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_usIIiZ7xlE/UkNL71RwfII/AAAAAAAADWQ/nzZoYzNKv6Q/s320/focus.jpg" width="318" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-222638110979221712013-09-18T22:16:00.001-05:002013-09-18T22:28:58.227-05:00My ex-husband is making me proudI've spent the past hour listening to my daughters cry about how their father is being mistreated by his wife.<div><br></div><div>I've been annoyed with him lately because it has felt like I'm nothing but a pain in his ass. The girls too. The last time I saw him with them, it seemed to me that he felt genuinely put out. </div><div><br></div><div>Then over a weekend, the girls called from their dad's because they were scared. Their dad and his wife were fighting...apparently again. This has been more frequent than usual lately. The most important thing to me, in this case because I know that couples fight, was that the kids didn't feel in harm's way and that they felt as if their dad had their back. Indeed he did. </div><div><br></div><div>When the ex and I were married and would fight, which we rarely did (both of us nonconfrontational), he was always calm and helped me to come back down to earth. I hoped that he kept that calm misdemeanor in this case too. Indeed he did. </div><div><br></div><div>I have counseled my girls to stay out of the way when they fight and also give their dad more hugs and kisses and support than usual. I have asked them to pray that both their dad and his wife find happiness and calm in their marriage. I told the kids that I would pray too. I do want their dad to be happy. He deserves that.</div><div><br></div><div>My oldest chimed in, "I don't want to stay out of the way. I want to tell her that he's doing the best he can!" </div><div><br></div><div>I feel proud that my daughters feel comfortable enough to share their thoughts with me. I feel proud that I have held back whatever frustrations and fear I have felt around the situation enough for them to want to talk to me.</div><div><br></div><div>I feel proud that my children are intuitive enough to make their own decisions and opinions around their father's marriage....and that they want to find some comfort there as well. They want her to like them. They want her to be happy. They want to remain close with their step siblings. They don't want their dad to go through another divorce. I want all of that as well.</div><div><br></div><div>I feel proud that my girls have an established relationship with their father, so strong in fact, that both he and they lean on each other during a time like this. They are wishing he was treated better. They see how hard he's trying to make it work. They have respect for his efforts as a husband and father and want good things for him.</div><div><br></div><div>And I feel especially proud to hear that the father of my children is demanding respect for our daughters. From changing the very first diaper of our very first child, he showed me he could be a good daddy. The anniversary of that first diaper change is tomorrow, in fact, and he'll be taking our oldest daughter to celebrate her birthday. </div><div><br></div><div>We have had our differences, our frustrations, judgements and miscommunications. I always wanted he and his daughters to be close and have been reminded all along that the relationship would be up to them to nurture and build. I have prayed on that a lot.</div><div><br></div><div>Even with all of that, I am the most proud of him now. He's being a good father to our children and hers...while she struggles to find solace, balance and happiness. It sounds as if she is resenting anyone who chooses to express their feelings, including the children, both hers and ours. Something is wrong... She is hurting and she's lashing out in return.</div><div><br></div><div>I am also getting a clearer picture that his irritation with me, maybe isn't me after all. Or perhaps there is some residual pain that is brought up in a struggling marriage. I just hope they're able to work through this, genuinely. I really do want my daughters to see the happy guy that I married all those years ago.</div><div><br></div> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-40823750778531798492013-09-11T18:23:00.000-05:002013-09-11T18:28:23.502-05:00The Most Important Part of a Long Distance RelationshipIt's been an interesting summer.<br /><br />A few of my bloggy friends got married. <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/07/wedding-bells.html" target="_blank">One wedding</a> I watched from afar - but still felt very much included. Another wedding <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/08/lobster-rolls-family-time-and-bride.html" target="_blank">I actually attended</a> and witnessed - my signature is even on the marriage documents!<br /><br />It was during this time that Gentleman Jack grew concerned asking, "Does seeing these friends get married make you feel like you're missing out?"<br /><br />I didn't feel like I was missing out. I've already analyzed (and <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2010/07/examination-of-marriage-hierarchy-of.html" target="_blank">over-analyzed</a> - check all the posts around this one) my thoughts on marriage. I have determined that I am in no way ready to tie the knot with someone <i>right now</i>. I crave alone time. I adore making my own schedule, raising my kids on my own, taking care of myself and my own responsibilities.<br /><br />I wasn't feeling sadness or that I was missing out at all. In fact, I felt happy and proud for my friends for being ready when I wasn't.<br /><br />Then, two other local single mom friends broke up with their long time boyfriends at very nearly the same time. This, for some reason, hit me completely differently.<br /><br />Both of these amazing ladies were in relationships with men whom they loved dearly. Men who loved them beyond measure. Their relationships had gone on already for 3 or more years. There was not much notable conflict in their relationships either. Nothing really that would prompt a breakup.<br /><br />Except...<br /><br /><i>The men in these relationships refused to commit, stating they weren't ready.</i><br /><br />This stopped me in my tracks.<br /><br />My friends knew their worth and acknowledged it. My friends knew what they wanted next and asked for it. My friends stopped compromising. As one friend pointed out, "I've been listening to damn Oprah too much."<br /><br />To see their men, their lovers, their partners in every day life, hem and haw about the next step? It was more than either of them could take. Instead of putting up an ultimatum or throwing a fit, each of them calmly and assuredly said to their significant others, "I know who I am now. I know what I want now. If we're not on the same page, I'm afraid I have to move on."<br /><br />What courage! What brave actions!<br /><br />I've envied them even as they've reached out in tears or needed someone to talk to. I've listened as these men have begged to come back still refusing to commit. I've watched as they've again asked these men to give them space, to honor their requests, to allow them to move forward. I've sat in awe as they've strongly chosen to ignore messages, calls and texts in order to get past the hurt and lost love they feel.<br /><br />***<br /><br />I've felt very isolated and frustrated in my relationship lately. GJ is depressed again, self sabotaging and then feeling worse and worse. I admitted to him, finally, that I've given up on helping him. I can no longer offer words of support or encouragement when they fall on deaf ears. He's afraid I'm ending things. I've simply stepped away from codependent habits and am focused on me once again.<br /><br />Then yesterday, I recalled what GJ has said to me for years:<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">"One day, you're going to want more and I won't be able to give it to you. That's when this will end."</blockquote><br />I've heard that over and over and it just occurred to me that he's right. I'm not the same person I was when we met, thanks to his love and support and everything I've learned about myself. I've continued to grow, move forward, get stronger, learn about who I am and what I want. And one day, I will want more. Not right now but one day.<br /><br />On that day, I will be different than I was when we first began dating. And, from what I've seen thus far, he will still be stuck where he is now, where he has been, refusing to see beyond it, refusing to reach for more, refusing to believe he's worth it.<br /><br />Today a close friend said to me, "I feel sorry for you, T. I know you and GJ love each other but I feel like he's not making you a goal in his life. He's not putting you first, something to aim for, something to plan towards."<br /><br />My heart shattered into a million pieces because he's right. The weddings and the breakups lead to this truth.<br /><br /><span style="font-size: large;"><b>The most important part of a long distance relationship is the plan, the goal, the aim to be together. </b></span><br /><br />Sadly, that plan is only happening on one side of the stateline. I'm not sure what to do with that.<br /><br /><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-15782978002841197572013-09-10T12:08:00.002-05:002013-09-10T12:08:57.477-05:00Eh...I'm just not feelin' it.<br /><br />That is all. http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-39269578256558932022013-08-29T13:41:00.001-05:002013-08-29T19:35:29.336-05:00When the Ex Remarries and You Become the ScapegoatSo, we've had plenty of discussion here about my ex-husband's new wife, right? Let's review.<br /><br /><ul><li><a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2011/07/single-mom-confession.html" target="_blank">How difficult it was for me to imagine my daughters seeing someone else as "mom"</a>.</li><br /><li>When I found out that she is just as <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2011/08/meeting-with-ex-making-new-girlfriend.html" target="_blank">uncomfortable with my relationship with the ex</a> (you know, the father of our children) and how I offered to reach out to help her. The ex said she'd get over it.</li><br /><li>My <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2012/08/an-open-letter-to-exs-new-wife.html" target="_blank">open letter to her</a> shortly after they married, where I'm trying to learn to love her.</li><br /><li>How <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2012/08/when-new-wife-steps-on-mommas-toes.html" target="_blank">she does what she wants</a>, sometimes I think just to spite me. </li><br /><li><a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2012/09/exposed-real-truth-of-how-i-feel-about.html" target="_blank">How I really feel</a> about her.</li></ul><br /><br />Well, I've just about had it with how their marriage is affecting MY life. When she says, "Jump", he makes ME jump.<br /><br />It's not like this hasn't happened before. I wrote about <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/04/emotions-and-feelings.html" target="_blank">my attempts to control my emotions and understand the feelings</a> behind my reactions to his behavior. In that last post, I decided that it's not really her but him that is irritating me so much.<br /><br />I get the feeling that our divorce made him feel like a failure in some way. Which, by the way, is totally normal because I've felt it too. I think he wants to work REALLY hard to keep her happy. Which, by the way, is also perfectly normal and fantastic! I'm proud of him for working hard at that!<br /><br />I also get the feeling, well established thus far, that she is very insecure and demanding. Couple this with the fact that he is trying to make her happy and we have the recipe for a very stressful husband. We all know that trying to make someone happy when they feel like it's YOUR JOB to make them happy.... well, it's terribly exhausting and frustrating. And we also know that shit rolls downhill... and thus the reason I'm feeling rather shite on, at times.<br /><br />****<br /><br />Take, for instance, the situation today. Since he is traveling all week with work and unable to spend an evening with the kids this week, he asked if he could keep them through the Labor Day weekend and take them to school on Tuesday. Of course, I said of course!<br /><br />I made plans with a girlfriend for Monday and told the kids they'd be with their dad this weekend and until Tuesday.<br /><br />Today, I receive a short and stern email from him asking if I could pick the girls up by 5 pm on Monday because his wife had made other plans for them.<br /><br /><i>Ummmm..... that's not what we agreed to.</i><br /><br />I had to call Gentlemen Jack in on this because I was about to say, "Why does she always get her way and our kids have to take a back seat?"<br /><br />He recommended that I not say that. Instead, I sent back a short email stating that I had other plans already.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">** </div><br />Now, let me tell you how difficult that was. I'd recently heard a story, from my girls, at how she didn't want them around during back to school night with <i>her </i>kids so they locked them in the car.<br /><br />Yes, you read that right. They LOCKED MY DAUGHTERS IN THE CAR so she wouldn't have to deal with them. Now the car was running with the a/c on but still. My heart sunk even as my daughters told me how they thought it was funny to be locked in the car.<br /><br />I get it. OUR kids are an inconvenience for her. I'd even told him that, <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/04/emotions-and-feelings.html" target="_blank">recently</a>, that I felt like his responsibility to the kids was an inconvenience. He didn't respond. But who does that? Seriously?<br /><br />Plus, I would love to spend Monday evening with them. I have zero problem being with my girls. They are complete love and entertainment.<br /><br />But I <u>have to</u> put it back on him. I cannot keep taking the heat because he doesn't want to make her mad. That is NOT MY PROBLEM. I didn't marry her.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">** </div><br />The ex finally responded that he would figure something else out for Monday evening. I hope that means a sitter that they enjoy spending time with. After all, that's what I do when I have plans.<br /><br />The whole thing still isn't sitting well with me. Then Gentleman Jack offered his thoughts:<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">"I know it's hard because you want to be there for the girls; and honestly, for him as well. But you need to be respected. I get it all the time. Because we're single (<i>i.e. not married)</i>, it's as if we never have plans or at least that our plans are not as important."</blockquote><br />BINGO. With me and GJ being in a long distance relationship, our significant others are 3 hours away. Because of that, we're treated as if our only existence is for our children. Our plans don't matter. Our lives don't matter. Our wants, needs and desires don't mean anything. And the worst of it is being treated as if our relationship isn't real because we're not together every single day. (That's a whole other blog post.)<br /><br />I love my girls and want to be with them as often as I can. I also need a break from having them 97% of the time. It's vitally important to me that they have a close relationship with their dad and his new family. I just don't want to feel like I have to take the blame for whatever misery he doesn't feel like facing.<br /><br /><i>Your thoughts? </i><br /><br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-27664260598498496502013-08-13T22:02:00.000-05:002013-08-14T07:21:23.941-05:00Lobster rolls, Family time and the Bride Wore Orange [Pics!]I'm back from a whirlwind trip to Canada to attend the wedding of <a href="http://iusedtohavehair.com/" target="_blank">Canadian Bald Guy</a> and <a href="http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Momma Sunshine</a>. I left Dallas really early Friday morning and flew back Monday afternoon. It really wasn't a very long time but we enjoyed every last second of it!<br /><br />Both CBG and Sunshine greeted me at the airport with hugs! They'd apparently made a bet on what I'd say first, fully expecting a southern drawl. I was all squealy. SQUEEEEEE! So excited. This was my first trip to Canada and it was going to be a wonderful weekend.<br /><br />How special did I feel when I got in the car and CBG had made a music playlist based upon the artists I liked on my Facebook page?!<br /><br />*cough* <i>stalker </i>*cough* <br /><br />Heh.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mB6XtX8Mtkg/UgrpsnCE8vI/AAAAAAAADT8/rrjiMf9crLI/s1600/IMG_1278.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mB6XtX8Mtkg/UgrpsnCE8vI/AAAAAAAADT8/rrjiMf9crLI/s320/IMG_1278.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The host and hostess with the mostest!</td></tr></tbody></table><br />As promised, and recalling how much I devoured the lobster rolls at our <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2012/06/maine-blogger-meetup-recap-in-pics.html" target="_blank">Maine meetup last summer</a>, Sunshine made a droolworthy dinner that night of fresh, homemade Maritime lobster rolls. I can't stand it because both of those trips have me addicted to these damn things and they're not easy (or cheap) to come by in Texas!<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xl9cPdlpTcM/Ugrmw7zLRcI/AAAAAAAADTU/NumMtk01WLk/s1600/531867_10151563934779007_1198827391_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xl9cPdlpTcM/Ugrmw7zLRcI/AAAAAAAADTU/NumMtk01WLk/s320/531867_10151563934779007_1198827391_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Want. Now.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />After a quick freshening up (and doing my best not to go to bed early - so tired after nearly 9 hours of travel), the three of us ventured out to a local restaurant bar to meet up with another friend who has been reading our blogs for years. This was apparently the same locale as CBG and Sunshine's first date.<br /><br />We had great conversation - about their first date, about last summer (we were laughing so much!), about our kids, life and love. It was a nice evening and very chill. Exactly what I needed to wind me down from the airplane ride.<br /><br />The next morning, we ventured out to the location of their soon-to-be nuptials: the Halifax Seaport Farmers Market.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TcQ6vaBot_Q/UgroJ1UmkEI/AAAAAAAADTk/rbR-fhVb6h8/s1600/IMG_1279.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TcQ6vaBot_Q/UgroJ1UmkEI/AAAAAAAADTk/rbR-fhVb6h8/s320/IMG_1279.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />I'd heard a lot about this place as it's their favorite go-to for shopping for fresh, farm-to-market goods as well as other awesome foods. CBG and Sunshine frequent this place so much that they decided to get married on the roof, overlooking Halifax Harbor. They also chose many of the vendors of the market to help with the wedding - the jewelry, the food, the cupcakes. I really enjoyed meeting everyone and the overall "buy local" attitude. I pretty much fell in love with this place too.<br /><br />CBG had been bragging to me about a seafood medley breakfast wrap served by one of the vendors. Of course I had to try it!<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-17Zr8uYv8m4/Ugro_53X9sI/AAAAAAAADT0/jdbxCyho3mQ/s1600/1149289_10151820255295985_1143167367_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-17Zr8uYv8m4/Ugro_53X9sI/AAAAAAAADT0/jdbxCyho3mQ/s320/1149289_10151820255295985_1143167367_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shrimp, lobster, scallops, green and red bell peppers, eggs and hollandaise. SO tasty.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />After the market, we picked up the kids and hit the waterfront shops for some souvenirs for my girls. It was a spectacular day and much cooler than the 105 temps we were having back in Dallas.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FtXHnIJXM3o/UgrqQnH_mvI/AAAAAAAADUQ/GYV6_osTs1U/s1600/IMG_1299.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FtXHnIJXM3o/UgrqQnH_mvI/AAAAAAAADUQ/GYV6_osTs1U/s320/IMG_1299.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Feeling very proud after climbing the Wave</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c6l_ojNBMJU/UgrqQbKnsaI/AAAAAAAADUM/CuF-goCDFdA/s1600/IMG_1308.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c6l_ojNBMJU/UgrqQbKnsaI/AAAAAAAADUM/CuF-goCDFdA/s320/IMG_1308.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">View of Georges Island</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HViFu6zl_Dc/UgrqPvtRhYI/AAAAAAAADUE/-QKIewzCQKE/s1600/IMG_1301.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HViFu6zl_Dc/UgrqPvtRhYI/AAAAAAAADUE/-QKIewzCQKE/s320/IMG_1301.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yep, ya don't see this everyday where I come from.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />I really enjoyed this day because it gave me a better opportunity to get to know their kids. I really loved playing, being silly, talking, exploring the shops and generally just hanging out with their family. I missed my daughters and wished they were there to experience it but also to meet these other children too. I could have easily seen them all skipping along and sharing stories... kinda like Sunshine and I were doing. ;-)<br /><br />I was also able to witness the co-parenting, shared responsibility and love in this family. Those two have some really great kids. And those kids are very fortunate to be included in a family of such fun, laughter and adoration.<br /><br />After a day of walking and exploring, we decided to take it easy on the last evening before the big wedding day. CBG grilled us up some burgers and we all went to bed early.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iYocRTbVBxA/UgrtbYSkaUI/AAAAAAAADUk/mdqPz5i-ztc/s1600/2013-08-10+17.56.56-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iYocRTbVBxA/UgrtbYSkaUI/AAAAAAAADUk/mdqPz5i-ztc/s320/2013-08-10+17.56.56-1.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's da man!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />The wedding day, as you can imagine, started off perfect but soon became a scramble. Earlier in the day, CBG and I went out for lunch while Sunshine had her hair done. He wanted me to experience another local delicacy and thus far, he hadn't steered me wrong yet.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nhPIyA1Ccks/Ugrt8q3tNvI/AAAAAAAADUs/MYOlhDPoKTc/s1600/2013-08-11+12.18.48.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nhPIyA1Ccks/Ugrt8q3tNvI/AAAAAAAADUs/MYOlhDPoKTc/s320/2013-08-11+12.18.48.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Halifax Donair from Tony's. Again, YUM.</td></tr></tbody></table>I won't go into too much detail about the wedding because I know the bride and groom will be sharing their thoughts over the next several days. (Keep checking their blogs for more!)<br /><br />I will tell you that it was a perfectly, spectacular day. The bride and groom left us all cheering, laughing, crying and rejoicing in the REAL LOVE they'd found. One that had endured nearly 4 years of long distance, blending their families of 5 children from previous relationships between the two of them (and all of those challenges!), growing and learning to trust again.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AKYr8mpRTH4/UgrvW8b2zNI/AAAAAAAADVM/zMRYf_IA_Fg/s1600/IMG_1361.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AKYr8mpRTH4/UgrvW8b2zNI/AAAAAAAADVM/zMRYf_IA_Fg/s320/IMG_1361.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">SUCH a handsome couple. SO in love.</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--eJPr1qio0A/UgrvW5S5y0I/AAAAAAAADVI/92kugMc46EM/s1600/IMG_1376.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--eJPr1qio0A/UgrvW5S5y0I/AAAAAAAADVI/92kugMc46EM/s320/IMG_1376.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He always makes her smile. For real!</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6HJvAy-O4k4/UgrvW7X_k7I/AAAAAAAADVQ/acMrD97JcdI/s1600/IMG_1391.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6HJvAy-O4k4/UgrvW7X_k7I/AAAAAAAADVQ/acMrD97JcdI/s320/IMG_1391.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Always playing. Typical CBG and Sunshine. </td></tr></tbody></table><br />My thoughts: CBG looked handsome and dashing in his fedora! He couldn't stop gushing at how lucky he was. I love how they all coordinated - the kids too, even in their own different colors - as a family. The bride? Well, she took my breath away. Sunshine is beautiful in pictures but in real life? This girl is one stunningly classy lady.<br /><br />I feel very honored to have played a small part (helping where I could!) in their very big day. Their vows to each other mirrored one thing that stood out to me:<br /><i><b><br /></b></i><i><b>Thank you for honoring and respecting me, always supporting me and encouraging me to be my best, while loving me exactly as I am today.</b></i><br /><br />That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?<br /><br />P.S. I love these guys and their kids so much. There has to be another meetup soon! <br /><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-40484829730128332742013-08-08T10:24:00.001-05:002013-08-08T10:24:06.273-05:00Summertime Fun in Pics!Hey all!<br /><br />Just a quick check in to say hello. Sorry to be a bit lax in the blogging. Summertime is crazy but good. Trying to squeeze in inexpensive fun with the kids and Gentleman Jack. Like camping, swimming, kayaking. We love being outdoors.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hLFQfgCuHVI/UgOZqBI_XiI/AAAAAAAADSE/Tj5dAsO7wSk/s1600/2013-07-14+14.48.11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hLFQfgCuHVI/UgOZqBI_XiI/AAAAAAAADSE/Tj5dAsO7wSk/s320/2013-07-14+14.48.11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Setup at the river. Kids swimming. GJ fishing in the boat.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ieGOoDEYeX4/UgOuOFXplbI/AAAAAAAADSU/qzLHTvyIl_g/s1600/2013-07-27+20.50.00.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ieGOoDEYeX4/UgOuOFXplbI/AAAAAAAADSU/qzLHTvyIl_g/s320/2013-07-27+20.50.00.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kids & dog swimming at sunset while camping</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TDqeopiXh1M/UgOuOg8RrWI/AAAAAAAADSc/eKI1jvbR_9o/s1600/2013-07-28+07.46.44.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TDqeopiXh1M/UgOuOg8RrWI/AAAAAAAADSc/eKI1jvbR_9o/s320/2013-07-28+07.46.44.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mmmm...bacon cooking outside at sunrise.</td></tr></tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PAZOPIG23V0/UgOz79k-0GI/AAAAAAAADSs/hGvsL6VZWZQ/s1600/2013-06-18+19.58.48.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PAZOPIG23V0/UgOz79k-0GI/AAAAAAAADSs/hGvsL6VZWZQ/s320/2013-06-18+19.58.48.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kayaking. So peaceful.</td></tr></tbody></table><br />It's been a challenge with no real set schedule for the kids. I'm still trying to work something out with my employer to spend more time working from home. I'm hoping things will settle down when school starts and we're back to a more predictable schedule around here.<br /><br />We haven't had a typical Texas summer until recently with temperatures over 100 degrees for a few weeks straight. Prior to that, we were blessed with rain and somewhat cooler temps. It was worth it to be outside... that is, if you could avoid the mosquitoes!<br /><br />I'm leaving tomorrow for some end of the summer fun to see these two crazy kids <a href="http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com/2013/08/07/breaking-the-wedding-rules/" target="_blank">get</a> <a href="http://iusedtohavehair.com/2013/08/07/wedding-week-continues-the-small-details/" target="_blank">married</a>.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ov5iKOXADbI/UgO2723RXQI/AAAAAAAADS8/hRDpEpzLSes/s1600/20120610_21.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ov5iKOXADbI/UgO2723RXQI/AAAAAAAADS8/hRDpEpzLSes/s320/20120610_21.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Last June at our Epic Maine Bloggy Meetup</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />I've been promised a great time. With MUCH cooler temps, lobster rolls, cupcakes and 80's music. I'll be sure to share when I get back. <br /><br />Enjoy your weekend, y'all! http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8911829638608693004.post-27365362880029402992013-07-23T15:37:00.000-05:002013-07-23T15:37:08.945-05:00A ReprieveIt's a CYST! A harmless, benign CYST!<br /><br />Not <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2013/07/so-i-found-lump-in-my-breast.html" target="_blank">cancer</a>. Nothing harmful at all. I'm ALIVE! I'm ALIVE!<br /><br />But WHAT a surreal experience to consider the opposite....<br /><br />I hated imagining the worst but of course, I had to consider it. I had to prepare for that sad look in my doctor's eyes. Would I be able to handle it?<br /><br />I imagined that I would. I imagined that I would tremble and be scared and not have my mind straight to ask all the right questions.<br /><br />I imagined that I'd be given lots of information. I imagined that I'd contact my homeopath, my chiropractor, my natural doctor. I imagined all of the herbs I gave my last dog when she was dying of cancer. I imagined losing my hair, losing my breasts. I imagined being tired, sick to my stomach, depressed.<br /><br />All of that I felt like I could handle. It would SUCK but I could handle it.<br /><br /><i>What I couldn't imagine, however, was explaining to my daughters that I had cancer. </i><br /><br />I didn't want to think of them being scared and never wanting to leave my side. I didn't want to think of them becoming little grown ups already, wanting to help or fix things for me. I didn't want to imagine taking their childhood away from them.<br /><br />And I especially didn't want to think of leaving them without a mother.<br /><br />The strange thing is that I didn't have any control over what was going to happen. As much as I feel like, as their mom, I have control over what they eat and wear, who their friends are, where they go to school... that is nothing! I'd already given up some of that control when I divorced their father and he remarried someone else.<br /><br />It was a very strange place to be... to look around me and realize how little control I have over life or death. It was both frightening and somewhat liberating at the same time.<br /><br />I had to know that all would be okay, whether it looked like I wanted it to or not. I had to rest in that tiny snippet of peace because my thoughts were swirling round and round. My fellow overthinkers would understand.<br /><br />I had to trust and trust HARD in spite of my fear. I was borderline freaking out and then would have these moments of complete calm.<br /><br />This whole thing wasn't easy, by any means, but I feel grateful that it's over. Grateful for your thoughts and prayers. Grateful that it turned out okay. And grateful that, even if it hadn't, I'd still be okay....and so would my girls.<br /><br /><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qEdE7HftdLM/Ue7oW9wEYJI/AAAAAAAADRw/v9St-6kQRU8/s1600/noworries.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qEdE7HftdLM/Ue7oW9wEYJI/AAAAAAAADRw/v9St-6kQRU8/s400/noworries.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br /> http://www.blogger.com/profile/10112766306021310705noreply@blogger.com0