Stuck.

Don’t know.

Can’t decide.

Feels awful.

Stuck is a nerve-wracking place.  And takes a ton of energy.  So much energy, in fact, that it’s hard to find the oomph to do anything other than be stuck.

People who are stuck often face some kind of big decision or life change.  And they torment themselves with, “Is this the right choice? What if I make a mistake?”

That is the stuck place.  Can’t move forward for fear of doing something wrong, and can’t go back due to the space-time continuum, so… stay stuck.

There’s only one way to break through the muck and get un-stuck. And that is to reframe the question from, “Is this the right choice?” to “Am I choosing growth?”

Dr. Carol Dweck has written a terrific book on making this shift – it’s called Mindset, and reading it has really turned my head around and refined the way I coach.

Dweck’s research shows that simply shifting to a growth mindset opens up the stuck places. Of course, you have to believe it’s possible to learn and to grow. Think it’s possible? Yeah, I do, too. In fact, I value learning and growth as life-long pursuits. Do you?

If so, then when faced with a choice, always choose the option that gives you the most growth.

Doesn’t that feel easier?

The other half of the stuck factor is: “What if I make a mistake?”

Because we all know that making a mistake is the worst possible thing that can happen, right? Right?

When you’re coming from a focus on growth, though, mistakes have a lot less weight. Why? Because even mistakes are a place for learning.

If you choose growth, you give yourself a way to judge whether what you’re doing is working – you just ask, “Is it possible for me to grow? Am I growing right now?” So you take a job and six months later you are doing something other than what they hired you for and you are uncomfortably bored and disappointed. Did you make a mistake? Or did you just stop growing? How would it feel to tell a prospective employer that you took a job, the conditions changed and you realized you couldn’t grow there?  Would feel pretty clear and clean to me.  How about you?

When you choose growth, sweetums,  you always win. Why? Because even in a worst case scenario, you’ve learned something. Something that will allow you to do better next time.

OK, I will address the elephant in the room which frequently factors in stuckness – “What will other people think?” That’s a powerful mindset. And it’s easy to say, “Well, I don’t care what anyone else thinks”, isn’t it? But much harder to act in a way that runs counter to the beliefs of our families, our friends and our community of peers.

In a growth mindset though, my growth is my responsibility, and my commitment to myself. And if I am fully committed to my growth, then I can also be open and fully committed to yours. Which shifts the question from “What will other people think?” to “What will I think?” And removes another big stuck spot.

If you’re stuck, I’m telling you, all you need to do is make a simple choice. Just choose to grow.

If you’d like to get un-stuck and figure out where you need to grow, consider joining my What’s Next? Coaching Group, forming now for April.  Details?  Go here.

Related posts:

1. The Crisis of Self-Confidence
2. What’s Not Working?
3. The Absence of Perfect

I’m just going to say it.

Some of us are frozen in time and space because of jealousy.

Some of us are so gripped with envy that we grasp and sabotage and act in ways unprincipled, just to get what we “want.”

The ick fairly drips when it comes to jealousy and envy.

Yet, it’s totally human and I’ll bet you that we’ve each run up against jealousy, the fear that you’re going to be betrayed and lose something important at the hands of someone else, and envy, which is the feeling of longing for something that someone else has.

We use these words interchangeably but they are quite different.

But here’s the good news – both can teach you tons about what needs changing in your own life.

Let’s look at envy.  Suzanne (of course, it’s not her real name), came to me for some coaching to improve her relationship with her boss.  As she gave me the  overview of her situation, she mentioned her Mortal Enemy At Work, Cathy.  Cathy was a brown-nosing, idiotic, unpolished jerk who totally rubbed Suzanne the wrong way.  Now, I know a coaching moment when I hear one, so I asked Suzanne to do this exercise:

The Envy Map

On a piece of paper, write down everything that ticks you off about the biggest jerk in your life.  Don’t edit or soften your feelings – put it all down.  Be thorough. Be ruthless.  Put it all out there.

Suzanne did the exercise (maybe you can do it, too, because there just might be a Mortal Enemy lurking in your life).  Then, I had her read me every single item she wrote about co-worker Cathy.  And a thread began to emerge – see, Cathy was the opposite of Suzanne in so many ways, and that is precisely what pissed Suzanne off. Where Suzanne was meticulous  about her clothes and hair to the point of being a real Felix Unger, Cathy was more of a sloppy Oscar Madison.  Where Suzanne respected hierarchy and rules, Cathy was a charming extrovert who got what she wanted regardless of the rules.

Suzanne told me a story – and her rage was palpable as she spit out the details – “We were walking down the hall and here comes the boss, Tom.  I said, ‘Hello, Tom’ being respectful, and Cathy goes, ‘Hey, Tom! How’s it going? Want to grab a sandwich at lunch?’ and I was like, I cannot believe she just did that!”  I asked what the problem was.  Suzanne, incredulously, said, “She asked the boss to lunch!”

I believe my response was a brilliant and insightful, “So?”

The real problem, of course, is that Cathy did easily that which Suzanne had put out-of-bounds.  Suzanne wasn’t really mad at Cathy – Suzanne was mad at Suzanne for being so rigid and formal that she was not able to craft a relationship with Tom.

This kind of understanding is what The Envy Map can do for any of us.  When we take a hard look at the most difficult people in our lives and the things they do that tick us off the most, we get insight into some lost and orphaned feeling or experience we need to tend to.

Cathy was great for Suzanne, because she taught her how to create a better relationship with Tom.  Suzanne began taking small steps, built a stronger alliance with her boss, and – guess what? – actually became friends with Cathy.  Suzanne’s work stress level went way down, and she felt happier and happier.  Ultimately, she was promoted, but mostly, she feels good about herself.

Envy is always an early warning signal.  When you have that encompassing feeling that someone’s got something you want, the trick is to step back from plotting how to take it away from them (yes, I know what you’ve been planning) and step toward understanding what it is you’ve neglected and need to get into your life.

Related posts:

1. When To Quit
2. The Difference Between Men and Women
3. Let’s Re-Cap

One thing that absolutely drives me nutty is busyness. Busy, busy, busy – say it fast enough and you buzz like a bee. Which is, apparently, quite a good thing, as we often say, “Busy as a bee.”

And maybe we get a buzz from all that busyness. When we’re busy, we belong to the collective hive of others who are busy, too. Buzz, buzz, buzz, we’re all in motion together.

Let me ask you this: are you busy for the sake of being busy, or are you actually doing something?

What do you have to show for all of your flitting around?

Anything?

At all?

First bees and now athletes – I’m going metaphor-crazy. But hang with me, will you?

I’ve been watching the Olympics this week and have been struck by the efficiency of the athletes. I have watched skiers, eyes closed, visualizing the run they are about to take. Virtually practicing, they move their bodies as if they are edging through the gates at ninety miles an hour.

And I’ve watched figure skaters who put their hand here, their hip there, their toe spike down precisely at this point in a jump. That’s the only way they can land the quadruple toe loop.

But probably the most efficient athletes I’ve watched have been the ski jumpers. They launch, they move right into position, they fly.

All of these athletes practice, practice, practice until their discrete moves become muscle memory and more than second nature.

Know what else they have? They have a goal in mind – to win, sure. But also to be better than the last time they skated, skied or jumped. To have a better score, or to shave off two tenths of a second.  That’s a win.

So for you to turn your busyness into productivity, you, too, must have a goal in mind and move efficiently toward it.

Which also means you have to have priorities. Because you can have four million goals to reach, but if none are sorted by importance you’ll spend ten seconds on each and accomplish nothing.

Which is not the way Olympic athletes train.  They spend hours on one arm position.  On where their knees should be on landing.  On positioning their poles.

Take a piece of paper and write down all the things you do in a day. [Competitive? Then write down everything you do in a week.] Group them into broad categories, like Work, Kids, Spouse, Home, Bill Paying, Mom, Exercise, Professional Whittling (hey, it’s OK to have a hobby). Then look at your categories. Does work support your kids, or do kids support your work? Compare each category this way and you will ultimately have a sorted list of your priorities.

Voila.

There’s another step.

Look at your list of priorities.  Which lights you up and brings joy to your life?  If that thing or things are low down on your list, then perhaps the reason you’re not productive is the conflict between what your heart wants and what your mind wants.  Spend some time sorting out this piece and you’ll find that perhaps you can care less about your work identity – which will free up time and space to serve your parenting priority. Or your inner whittler.

Once you have your priorities in alignment, see which you need to attend to now, which can wait, and which can be dropped. If you are still tying your sixteen year old’s sneakers, trust me, you can let that go. Obsessively worrying about next Christmas can wait. Fixing the hole in the roof? That’s a now thing.

There is no point in being busy for the sake of being busy. It’s all wasted movement that generates nothing.

“Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”  (The Tragedy of Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5, by William Shakespeare)

Signify something. Drop the busyness in favor of efficient productivity. And the only buzz in your life will come from seeing all that you’ve accomplished.

Related posts:

1. Looking Back
2. Looking Forward
3. CrazyBusy

Big happy thanks to each of you who took the time to answer my short survey this week. There’s still time if you’d like to give me your thoughts, so click here to go to the survey.

I learned a lot from you all.

First, more of you would like an opportunity to work with me.

You’d like lower cost programs, designed to help you with your career or your business.

You’d like self-paced programs.

You’d like to see me collaborate more.

Which is really cool, because that’s the same stuff I’ve been thinking about.

So, let me make two announcements which will go right to the heart of the matter.

First, a very low-cost/high reward opportunity. You may remember the November free call where I talked with my friend, Good Vibe Coach Jeannette Maw, about aligning values, priorities and intentions. It was one of the most downloaded classes either Jeannette or I have ever seen. So, we figured, hey, why not do more of that?

We’ve decided to do a monthly conversation on a subject of interest – the first one will be on that perennial Big Issue: money. If you want to listen live and have the chance to ask questions, it’s a monthly subscription of only $9. And, you’ll get the recording, too. If you just want the recording, it’s $5. Simple. Easy. Fun. Want to sign up? Go right to: Listen In On Michele and Jeannette.

Second, so many of you are in the place where you need to reinvent your lives… You’re looking at a Second Act that may just change your life, and it’s kind of scary and there’s no roadmap and how’s it all going to work out? Good news, I can help you there.

My friend, author Mary Beth Sammons, wrote the best-selling Second Acts That Change Lives: Making A Difference In The World.  We’ve adapted the material from her book – and added tools and tactics from my coaching practice – to create a fabulous month-long telecourse will to help turn the “someday I’d love to” into “today I will”. For more information, check out: Second Acts That Change Your Life.

And, because we know many of you want to launch your second act by writing a blog… we’re offering two classes on blogging. Mary Beth is a fantastic editor and writer – she was a columnist at the Chicago Tribune and has written for magazines, and online outlets like MORE.com, CarePages.com, and BettyConfidential.com. She’s a pro and I’m happy to partner with her. Info on the blog classes can also be found at Second Acts That Change Your Life.

One more thing I’m working on in response to your requests – I’m preparing some workbooks for you to help you solve issues you face in your career. How to deal with difficult people. How to do a job search. How to ace an interview. How to get clear. How to really know what it is you want. I’ll be rolling these out as soon as I complete them. Stay tuned for more information, willya?

Bottom line: I am so grateful for each of you who read what I write and take the time to tell me what it is that you really want. I promise I will do my best to deliver. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll create some stuff that will surprise you, delight you and make you think.

Oh, and get you to a very happy, purposeful life, too.

Related posts:

1. Your Personal Brand
2. What’s The Point?
3. Survey Says!

Let me tell you about Meg.  She’s smart, she’s kind, she’s hard-working.  She’s always willing to pitch in and help out.

She’s great.

She’s also extremely stressed, crazy busy and frazzled. There are never enough hours in the day. She can’t do anything fully, or calmly, or right. She’s past maximum capacity, verging on overload. Every. Single. Minute. Of. Every. Single. Day.

Her biggest problem?  Is it her job, her kids, her husband, her aging mom?

Guess again.

Somewhere along the line, she either never realized she could, or completely forgot that she was able to, set her own priorities.

Somewhere along the line, she let other people’s priorities determine where she put her time and attention.

And as a result, she is stressed, crazy busy and frazzled.

And she doesn’t think she really knows who she is anymore.  Because while she can tell you what’s important to nearly anyone else, she can’t really tell you what’s important to herself.

Women, particularly, are socialized from the cradle to say, “Yes.”  As in, “Yes, I will stir the sauce.  Yes, I will set the table.  Yes, I will patch that hole.  Yes, I will eat at your favorite restaurant.  Yes, I will take the last, misshapen, half-iced cupcake – that is, unless you want it.”

Women can feel uncomfortable and icky, then, when they find themselves in a situation where they might, possibly, have to say something sorta kinda possibly close to the n-word – you know the word I mean: “No.”

Our biggest worry is that if we say “No” , then someone won’t like us.

And if we’re not liked, we’re not OK.

OK is what is stamped on papers when approval is given.  So we fear that if we say “No”, we won’t get the stamp of approval.

But – you know me – I have to ask: the approval of whom?

People who want you to attend to their priorities first, now, immediately? [insert foot-stomping here]

We call those demanding, foot-stomping people “bullies”, by the way.

When we say “Yes” when we mean “No”, we put our own needs, priorities, dreams and desires on the back burner.  We neglect our own sovereignty, to use a term my friend Hiro Boga writes about very eloquently.

When we lose our sovereignty, we lose our personhood and become an extension of someone else. And a servant of their needs, priorities, dreams and desires.

We get lost.

So what do you do?  How do you make the change, after a lifetime of “Yes”? How do you acknowledge that saying “No” is really hard? And  more than a bit scary?

You say, “I’m sorry, I can’t.”  You say, “I’m sorry” because probably you really are.  Probably you worry about approval, and acceptance, and you’re sorry that you’re disappointing the person you’ve always said “Yes” to. So, go ahead, say “I’m sorry” because that’s what you feel.

And over time, you’ll find that you need to apologize less and less. You’ll find, too, that the primary person whose approval you seek, is… you.

You’ll find that by saying “I’m sorry, I can’t” to energy-sucking, person-losing stuff, you open up wide spaces to be able to say, with conviction, “You bet I can”  to the things that really matter to you.

Related posts:

1. The One
2. You.
3. Here, But Not Here