Life in Reviews

Awe and Blah: Dog found alive in Oklahoma rubble and Special Delivery

2013-05-21T19:45:00.006-05:00

Awe

What: This is already yesterday's news (literally), but I can't help sharing. I'm making my Awe and Blah a bit early for the sake of timeliness.

Like all of you, my heart has gone out to the people of Oklahoma. Tornadoes are really, really mean.

One very bright spot amid the chaos? This moment with Oklahoma resident Barbara Garcia, which was caught on video. Watch and feel better.

Blah

What: Special Delivery: Creating the Birth You Want for You and Your Baby
Why: I rented this video from the library thinking that it would provide some information and options regarding childbirth.

Instead, I got a lot of screaming and blood and mullets.

(Yes, mullets. The movie was a lot older than I anticipated.)

Some background on me: I am known for not being easily scared by movies. I have a friend who used to deliberately pick out the most horrifying movie he could think of in hopes that it would finally make me crack.

He never thought to recommend Special Delivery, but he should have.

There was no information. Nothing even the slightest bit useful.

I am now dumber and immensely more traumatized than I was before I saw this movie.

I should have known. Look at the crazed, evil look in the baby's eye on the cover. Shudder.

Undaunted Courage

2013-05-20T00:11:00.000-05:00

What: Undaunted Courage
Author: Stephen E. Ambrose
Rating: 7
Non-Quantifiable Rating: I'm daunted by this book.

Undaunted Courage is a sweeping epic about the famed Lewis and Clark expedition. Really, it's a biography of Meriweather Lewis's entire life, with primary focus given to the expedition.

The book had to have been a herculean effort to write. It was exhausting to read, and I felt like I was on my own 8,000 mile expedition to get to the end. (It's about 500 pages, but the giant pages each have about twice as many words as normal books, so it's really more like a 1,000 page book. It took me six weeks to read.)

I guess I was expecting something more like Endurance. Endurance covered a far less historically important expedition, but it was written with such breathless drama and sharply observed context/commentary that it I couldn't put it down.

Undaunted Courage, on the other hand, felt like a choppy adaptation of trip journals. That makes this review the most scathing criticism of Undaunted Courage ever, if Amazon.com is to be believed.

I might be missing something, because this is one of the most famous and highly regarded historical nonfiction books out there. Steven Ambrose is a legend (he also wrote Band of Brothers) and I feel like I'm insulting his memory with a rating of 7.

To be fair, a "7" means the book was really good. It was very interesting, and I learned a ton about early 19th century Native American culture.

Still, I think I would rather have read the eight-volume Thwaites versions of the Lewis and Clark journals. That would have probably taken me six weeks, and at least I could say that I read eight books in that amount of time.

Ray Padula "Turbo Waters" Timed Lawn Sprinklers

2013-05-17T01:30:00.004-05:00

Sorry about the lame photo of the box. It's a dark and stormy night out there and my neighbors might wonder about me if they saw me prowling around with a flashlight in order to take a photo of my lawn sprinkler at 1:30 in the morning.

What: Ray Padula "Turbo Waters" Timed Lawn Sprinklers
Price: $15 on sale at Menards
Rating: 7
Non-Quantifiable Rating: Sprinklers aren't as fun when you're old.

Signs that you are old:

1) You review lawn sprinklers.
2) The major drawback of your new lawn sprinklers is that there is no "delay" function on them, so when you turn them on you either: a) sprint away, or b) get soaked.
3) You think that getting soaked by a lawn sprinkler is a BAD thing.

We just re-seeded our lawn after grading it, and it requires twice daily watering for an extended period of time. Fun stuff.

The hubs picked up two fancy schmancy lawn sprinklers to get the job done. The main selling point? You can PROGRAM them to water for a specific number of minutes.

People, this is awesome, because I am exactly the kind of person who would turn on the sprinkler and then start a load of laundry and then start making a loaf of bread and then answer work emails and then come outside four hours later to find a herd of ducks splashing about in my backyard.

I love the new sprinklers. And it just occurred to me that I could wait until after the sprinkler is turned on to turn the WATER on, which would solve my 'sprinting away' problem.

Or I could just quit being such a grown up and splash about in the sprinkler, à la duck.

Awe and Blah: Vinegar Fruit Wash and Manhattan Moms at Disney World

2013-05-14T00:03:00.000-05:00

Awe

What: Vinegar Fruit Wash
Why: You know what's a blah? When you bring beautiful berries home from the grocery store and about 47 minutes later, they're already a pile of mold.

The solution costs pennies, at most. No fancy, expensive washes needed.

All you need is water, a bowl, and some distilled white vinegar.

There are different water:vinegar ratios all over the web. Some people use 10:1; some people use 2:1 (that's REALLY strong!). The goal is the same: kill mold spores and discourage bacterial growth.

Bonus: you can wash off dirt and some surface pesticides!

To be honest, I don't really measure. I fill a big bowl with water, dump in some vinegar, and add my berries. I swirl them around for a bit, drain (I used my salad spinner), and return to their packaging. I probably should be better about drying them thoroughly before putting them away, but I haven't had any trouble yet.

Even raspberries, the trickiest of all berries when it comes to mold, can last a week with this wash. (Please keep an eye on your fruit and don't blame me if you do a vinegar wash and then eat a fuzzy green raspberry three months from now.)

This works for grapes, too — and veggies. It's vinegarrific.

Blah

What: Wealthy Manhattan moms hiring physically disabled "tour guides" to cut the line at Disney World.

Why: Feeling a bit morally bankrupt this week? Don't worry, the line above has probably already fixed that for you.

At least you're not one of the wealthy Manhattan moms reportedly partaking in a new black market service, which entails hiring a physically disabled person to pose as a family member so the wealthy family can cut lines at Disney World.

I know. Gwahhhhh?!?!

Here's the thing: I'm not upset with the people offering the service. It's appalling, but it's sort of like prostitution: yes, you probably shouldn't be doing it, but it's a failure of society that it's a job in the first place.

I'm upset that there is a MARKET for this kind of thing. What sort of parent is okay with this? Short answer: THE WORST SORT EVER. And what about the kids? How does the mom explain that one to them?

"This is my new friend Grace; she'll be hanging out with us today. As I've told you every single day of your entire life, you are far more important than everyone else in the world, so we get to scoot around all this riff-raff! This will in no way give you a permanent sense of entitlement, nor will it give you the idea that you should take advantage of other people in order to advance your own interests. You will grow up to be modest, patient, and culturally sensitive. Just like Mel Gibson."

Lincoln (2012)

2013-05-13T00:14:00.000-05:00

What: Lincoln (2012)
Rating: 6
Non-Quantifiable Rating: It's (kind of) about some guy.

I expected Lincoln to be an epic biopic that would span an icon's life, giving a rich history and insight into the mind of one of America's greatest leaders.

Instead, I got an in-depth history lesson on the political shuffling behind the 13th Amendment.

That was cool and all, but it wasn't at all what I expected. This movie reflected a tiny sliver (albeit an important sliver) of Lincoln's life, and Lincoln himself was a mere subplot in the film.

Other downsides?

Sally Fields (Mary Todd Lincoln) is really, really annoying.
Tommy Lee Jones's wig deserved its own billing. Its character name would be: "Squished Squirrel."

Daniel Day-Lewis is a freaky chameleon, and while his character wasn't as powerful and compelling as I'd hoped, that probably reflects on Lincoln more than it does on Day-Lewis. Day-Lewis deserved that Oscar.

The film was really good for what it was — it just wasn't what it should have or could have been.

Closet Complete Ultra Thin Heavy Duty No Slip Velvet Suit Hangers

2013-05-10T01:29:00.001-05:00

What: Closet Complete Ultra Thin Heavy Duty No Slip Velvet Suit Hangers, Set of 50 in Camel
Rating: 8
Non-Quantifiable Rating: Anal retentive? There's a hanger system for that!

I just had a flash of my college self reading a post 10 years down the road in which I get super stoked about hangers.

My college self just sighed, grabbed a beer, and has refused to be associated with me in any way.

I don't even care. I'M SO EXCITED! All my hangers MATCH! Squeeeeeeeeee!

Yes, Dad, that's your plaid flannel shirt, circa 1964, toward the back there. Let me know if you want that back.

Prior to this purchase, I had a jumble of mismatched hangers accumulated from Target, dry cleaners, my husband's closet, and whenever the person at a clothing store felt charitable (or lazy) and failed to detach my garment from the store hanger.

It was a mess.

Now that I'm trying to jam maternity clothes in with the clothes I'm still pretending I fit into, I needed a new solution. I did a really strange amount of research given that I was only going to purchase hangers, and settled on the Closet Complete Ultra Thin Heavy Duty No Slip Velvet Suit Hangers. I'm sure all of the words in that name are totally necessary.

Here's the thing: make sure you get the HEAVY DUTY ones. The same brand makes crappy flimsy hangers for only a dollar or two less per box. The heavy duty ones I got can handle suits and jeans and even heavy coats with no trouble at all.

Downsides? They're certainly not the highest end hangers out there (who knew there was a luxury market for hangers?) but it's still a slightly nausea-inducing $30-$35 for a set of 50. Also, they shed a bit. I suspect that this is temporary, and haven't yet found it all over my clothes (the fuzzies just flew through the air when I took them out of the package).

Upsides? They match. Obviously. And they're strong, and super thin, so I can squash all my clothes in there in proper order by category, sleeve length, and then ROYGBIV rainbow coloring.

(That last line did it. My college self just threw herself out a window.)

Gym Awe and Blah

2013-05-08T00:28:00.001-05:00

Awe
For this week's Awe, I'll share three favorite things at the gym these days. (FYI, I'm still hooked on heavy ropes and my Jungle Gym suspension training system but I thought I'd share a few new things.)

It's not an accident that all three of these activities are favorites of Crossfit. I've switched over to Crossfitmom.com for now, and I love it. It's gentler, with more scaling options, and it's not just for moms-to-be. Check it out if you're interested in Crossfit but intimidated.

Back to the moves.

First, kettlebells. These look like weapons of torture, and that's because they are.
If there's a better way to simultaneously improve full-body strength and cardiovascular conditioning (other than cross-country skiing, which is — finally — a bit out of season), I don't know it.

Check out this video for a basic introduction on kettlebell form.
Second, I'm lovin' on box jumps. And who wouldn't? They're like a picnic in the sunshine and not at all terrifying. Okay, I lied. They're hard and scary, but that's what makes them sooooooo good. I have the shin scars to prove it.

(Don't worry, I'm sticking with step-ups or very low box jumps for now, and I have a feeling I'll be ditching them altogether soon. So that just means you have to do more box jumps on my behalf!)

Here's a video demonstrating a whole new way to look at box jumps:
Finally, here is my favorite strict weightlifting move. I'm only lifting about half of what I did pre-pregnancy, but it's still a good move and no matter how often I do it, I always seem to get a good soreness the next day.

Because soreness is fun, right? RIGHT?!

Blah
I considered listing gym activities that I dislike (or can't do anymore), but that doesn't do you any good. Then I thought about listing my biggest gym etiquette pet peeves.

It's still not the slightest bit useful, but at least it's more fun.

Take, for instance, when those meatheads fail to unload their weights when they're done with the squat rack:

Then there's the chick having a loud, 45 minute cell phone conversation on the treadmill next to me.

But my absolute favorite has to be the gentleman from earlier this week who took a solid 20 minute nap on the hamstring curl machine at my gym. Loud snoring and all. I didn't take a picture of him, because, you know, that would be rude and inappropriate. Unlike using the gym as your bedroom, which is apparently totally reasonable.

Tortilla Pizzas

2013-05-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

What: Tortilla pizza
Rating: 9
Non-Quantifiable Rating: Who wants to eat a whole pizza? I do! I do!

I have no defensible reason why I haven't been making tortilla pizzas at least once per week for the last ~~four~~ twenty years.

Perhaps all of you make them all the time and this is suuuuuch old news — well, aren't YOU just super duper special? — but this just dawned on me on Friday like a giant, cheese-smothered light bulb.

Here's the beauty of tortilla pizzas: they are ENDLESSLY versatile. Throw on whatever you have on hand, and whatever you're in the mood for.

They're easy, quick, healthy (unless you really go nuts with certain toppings), and they're SOOO delicious.

There are recipes on the web advising that you use a baking sheet, but I think that would result in a soggy crust. I made mine on a cast-iron skillet. You could also grill these, which would be perfect for summer.

Woohooo! Pizza all summer!!!

Tortilla Pizzas
Serves 1 (But you could make more and share if you were feeling magnanimous)

Ingredients
- 1 whole wheat tortilla
- 1 serving of ricotta cheese (optional; I'm obsessed with Ricotta)
- A couple tablespoons of pizza sauce or regular tomato sauce
- Italian seasoning/basil and garlic to suit
- 1 serving mozzarella cheese
- Toppings — go nuts! I used spinach, baby portobello mushrooms, and red bell pepper
- Another sprinkling of cheese for the top, if you choose. I used parmesan to make it a three-cheeser.

Directions
1) Preheat oven to 425 degrees
2) Place tortilla in a cast-iron skillet — or on the grill, or a heat-safe baking rack, or a pizza stone, or whatever!)
Apply toppings in order specified above — or whatever order you want!
3) Bake for 10-12 minutes, watching carefully so your toppings don't scorch
4) Eat the whole thing.

I'm not much of a calorie counter, but I added things up out of curiosity and came out around 300 calories for my whole pizza. That's insane. It also means that I'm going to need extra ice cream tonight.

Kashi Indigo Morning Cereal (Organic and Non-GMO)

2013-05-03T00:03:00.000-05:00

What: Kashi Indigo Morning Cereal
Rating: 4
Non-Quantifiable Rating: Well, at least they're trying.

I broke up with Kashi after discovering that the so-called "natural" food company was in fact a giant ugly company that gave an insane amount of money to fight food labeling in California.

They've come under harsh criticism for stuffing their "natural" cereals and granola bars with genetically modified ingredients laced with pesticide and shame.

Apparently they noticed that they were alienating a major portion of their consumer base, so lately they've been making an effort to introduce more genuinely organic, non-GMO cereals.

Their (normally expensive) cereals were BOGO at Byerly's this week, so I picked up a few boxes of their new efforts, including Indigo Morning. (Yes, I know that my beloved Lucky Charms suffer from the same evils as Kashi — and more — but at least they don't even bother pretending to be hippies.)

The pros:
- Indigo Morning is, apparently, non-GMO and organic. Cool.
- The main ingredient is puffy, sweetened corn flakes, and they're pretty decent.
- The nutrition facts are pretty good. 100 calories for a 3/4 c. serving, with 6 grams of sugar.

The cons:
- I like that they added blueberries and blackberries, but those suckers are freeze dried beyond recognition. They're dry and bland. Kashi's blueberries and blackberries are to fresh blueberries and blackberries are what Kim Kardashian is to talented, modest people.
- The trade-off for limited calories is limited protein: 2 grams per serving. Lame.

I've certainly had worse cereal and I'm glad that Kashi is making an effort, but I won't go out of my way to buy Indigo Morning again.

Try harder, Kashi.

Ultimate Boston Beer Ranking, Review, and Tasting Notes (with help from my designated drinker)

2013-05-01T10:29:00.000-05:00

I promised I wouldn't make you stay sober with me while I'm "in a family way," as they say.

So I recruited my husband to drink and dictate the ultimate tour of Boston beers, based on his experiences there. It was a rough job, but someone had to do it.

In his defense, lest he come across as a lush, these were spaced over several nights. Even the ones with the bartender strategically positioned in the background (at the fabulous Tasty Burger near Fenway) were in two separate visits.

Without further ado, ranked worst to first, here they are (with his dictated tasting notes and a few of my corny jokes thrown in):

Samuel Adams Noble Pils
Ranking: #7 of 7

He just did a sampling of this one at the Sam Adams Brewery so I had to steal a better picture from theperfectlyhappyman.com.

Thanks, stranger. Glad you're perfectly happy.

Tasting Notes:

Unlike the Boston Marathon course, this was flat. Ellen couldn't have any, obviously, but I told her this bland stuff wasn't even worth a sniff. Totally forgettable.

Harpoon UFO Unfiltered White
Ranking: #6 of 7

Tasting Notes:

An okay wheat beer, but even though I'm not a huge wheat beer fan, Blue Moon would beat this out in a heartbeat. There's no spice, and just citrus. It is the pop fly of wheat beers. Cop out. No challenge.

Samuel Adams Boston Lager
Ranking: #5 of 7

Tasting Notes:

Great middle of the road choice with more flavor than the big batch varieties but not so much that it's off-putting for the gentler palates. Always a solid choice, and it tastes even better when you're in its homeland — not to mention the tour guide at the Samuel Adams brewery, who put on a great show and did his fair share of drinking along with us.

Six Point Bengali Tiger
Ranking: #4 of 7

Tasting Notes:

Very interesting. Lots of nutmeg. I had to try it because of the name, but this tiger was pretty easy to tame. Definitely worth my time.

Six Point Diesel
Ranked #3 of 7

Tasting Notes:

Is that coffee I'm drinking? This is one of the richer stouts that I've had lately. It's a little out of my season (it was 70 degrees, and that's the equivalent of 85 for me), but it was really good. It had flavors on a lot of different levels: sweet, smoky, and a few other flavors to keep me guessing.

Samuel Adams 26.2 Boston Brew
Ranking: #2 of 7

Tasting Notes:

This is the classic beer that's only available along the actual race route each year right around the marathon. I had to try it at Cheers, which is as iconic as Boston gets. Perfectly balanced wheat beer with citrus, sweet notes, and spiciness. Wish it were available at home; fantastic warm weather beer.

Six Point Brownstone
Ranking: #1 of 7

Tasting Notes:

I'm a sucker for a really nutty brown ale, and this would have satisfied even the hungriest squirrel. They knocked this one out of the [Fenway] park. This had some sweet caramel with a whole lot of extra flavors. I can't pinpoint them all, but I liked them all. Easy favorite of the bunch.

p.s. We Love Boston.

Mud

2013-04-29T00:03:00.000-05:00

What: Mud (2013)

Rating: 8

Non-Quantifiable Rating: Heartwarming, riveting, and not afraid to get dirty. (Ha! Dirty! Mud! Get it?)

Here's your one sentence summary: This movie is basically a really cool Huck Finn ripoff, except Jim is Matthew McConaughey. Make sense? Yeah, I know. It doesn't make sense.

Confession: I had never heard of Mud until about an hour before we left for the movie theater.

It has occurred to us that, after we become parents later this year, spontaneous movie-going will be a thing of the past.

So we decided to go to a movie, just because we can.

I pulled up that genius-of-a-website rottentomatoes.com and decided to see what had decent reviews.

With a 98% positive critic rating, Mud blew everything else out of the water. (Another pun.)

How was there a ridiculously highly rated film starring Hollywood A-listers that I'd never heard of?

Answer: They spent most of their budget on the two big stars, and on a crazy scene toward the end, which I will not spoil, instead of marketing. They trusted that awesome people like me would spread the word.

Challenge accepted.

Mud takes place in Arkansas, and by takes place, I mean that it is not just set there, but actually shot there, and is fully immersed in the state. Director Joe Nichols is an Arkansas native, and you can tell that he feels very strongly about his home.

I already gave you the basics of the film with my one sentence summary, so now all you need to know is that the performances are spectacular — and the Oscar goes to...that guy who was once arrested for playing the bongos very stoned and very naked* — and the film is a refreshingly equal balance of badass and heartfelt.

It's not one of those films that you HAVE to see in the theater in order to enjoy it, but if you're going to a movie, you could do a whole lot worse.

*That's Matthew McConaughey, for those of you fortunate enough to have missed that tidbit of news from several years back.

Zensah Compression Leg Sleeves

2013-04-26T00:16:00.000-05:00

What: Zensah Compression Leg Sleeves
Rating: 10
Non-Quantifiable Rating: I'm in love and I don't care who knows it.

These are just like they sound: they compress your calves. Simple enough, right?

I ordered these because, even in my first trimester, my legs started to swell up a bit (uh-oh!). I did some research and found that compression sleeves were a good solution.

I've only known of compression gear for post-race recovery (they were pretty much the uniform the day after the Ironman), but I liked the idea of double duty.

Then it occurred to me that they'd be great to wear on the plane to and from the Boston marathon to prevent swelling and clots.

I ordered a pair on Amazon.com and loved them right away. They're comfortable and they do the job. At $35-$40 they're not cheap, but they're worth every penny — and they're still cheaper than some of the super fancy compression brands.

Then I noticed a Zensah booth at the marathon expo and realized people were planning to run the race wearing them. Having never actually worn them for a run, I took a risk and wore them for the full race.

Best. Decision. Ever.

By the end of the race (well, mile 25.7, but see April 16th's post for that story) my quads were in terrible condition — as usual — but my calves felt fantastic.

Seriously. Like "let's do some calf raises" fantastic.

Even while I walked around like a penguin for the next few days, it was never because of my calves, because they never got sore. I attribute it completely to the compression sleeves.

I got the beige-colored pair so I can hide them under skirts for the rest of my pregnancy, but my sister-in-law got a neon pink pair and was kind enough to loan those to me.

I'll keep wearing them for the rest of my pregnancy and would recommend them to any athlete and/or pregnant woman. (And, dudes, there were probably more guys than women in the Zensah booth buying these, so don't be shy!)

I totally have a heart

2013-04-24T00:38:00.003-05:00

So last night I Grammar Policed a very public tweet with a hysterical typo/Freudian slip.

Some poor soul contacted me today who is the official Tweeter (Twitterer? Twerp?) for the company which shall remain unnamed, and is super embarrassed about the tweet. He begged for me to take down my post, because apparently he could "totally get fired" for it and he didn't want to draw more attention to it.

And, contrary to popular belief, I do have a heart, so I am taking down the post. But it was still funny...

New on DVD and Blu-Ray Awe and Blah: Django Unchained and The Hobbit

2013-04-24T00:06:00.000-05:00

Awe

What: Django Unchained (2012; new on DVD and Blu-Ray)
Why: First of all, let me state for the record that director Quentin Tarantino is MADE OF CRAZY.

Seriously, this guy is unhinged.

I should have known that after Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill, but I was still taken aback by the extreme level of "WTF" in this movie.

It's gruesome. Really, really, ridiculously gruesome.

I decided not to watch many of those parts, partly because I try to avoid gratuitous violence in movies in general (which means I should never watch a Tarantino film), and partly because after last week I don't think I can handle any more violence.

And yet, it still gets an Awe. Why? First of all, it was a lot better than the other movie we watched in our Friday night Redbox marathon.

But it's also surprisingly funny and insightful and layered and ambitious and compelling and touching and visually stunning and quirky and artistic and brilliantly acted.

I don't know how you accomplish all that in what could be dismissed as a pulpy western slasher, but I guess there's a fine line between genius and insanity. Quentin Tarantino is doing kartwheels on that fine line.

Blah

What: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012; new on DVD and Blu-Ray)

Why: Peter Jackson is not stupid, but he thinks we are.

He knew that there was more gold to be spun from the Tolkien franchise, and he spun that gold to the tune of $1 billion in box office revenue for his latest effort, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.

Perhaps I should have handed Peter Jackson a few bucks and saved 169 minutes of my life.

The film spent so much time being proud of its impressive art direction, visual effects, and costume/make-up that it forgot about a silly little thing like plot.

Tolkien is a master storyteller, and The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is an insult to his legacy.

It's repetitive and never amounts to anything other than a series of fight scenes with no real direction or outcome. The film could have been 20 minutes long.

I have a sneaking suspicion that we'll be asked to sit through two or three more 169-minute installments before this franchise has been squeezed dry. Sigh.

Overnight Chia Oatmeal with Chocolate, Coconut, and Almonds

2013-04-22T00:01:00.000-05:00

What: Make-ahead Overnight Chia Oatmeal with Chocolate, Coconut, and Almonds
Rating: 9
Non-Quantifiable Rating: A perfect spring/summer breakfast. Now...all we need is spring and/or summer.

I'm looking out my window to a big fat pile of snow. All the awful things that happened last week certainly provide some perspective and make me less inclined to complain about late-April snow, but I'm still ready for spring.

This overnight oatmeal is served chilled, which makes it a good warm weather breakfast. Wishful thinking.

The secret is chia seeds, which you can find at Trader Joe's. When added to liquid, they dissolve slightly and create a gel-like substance which adds volume and texture to dishes like oatmeal. That's why chia seeds are also often used to make pudding (and this oatmeal dish actually resembles pudding more than oatmeal, which makes it an indulgent yet healthy breakfast).

Use your imagination when it comes to toppings. I added mini chocolate chips, shredded coconut (also available at Trader Joe's) and sliced almonds, but the sky is the limit.

Here's the recipe:

Overnight Chia Oatmeal with Chocolate, Coconut, and Almonds
Serves 1
Ingredients

[Oatmeal]
- 1/2 c. rolled oats
- 1 c. milk (I used vanilla unsweetened almond milk, and it was perfect
- 1-1/2 Tbls. chia seeds
- dash of salt

[Toppings — all optional; feel free to add your own]
- 1 Tbls. mini chocolate chips
- 1 Tbls. sliced almonds
- 1 Tbls. shredded coconut

Directions

1. Combine all the oatmeal ingredients into a dish with an airtight top. Cover and shake vigorously (shaking works better than stirring).

2. Refrigerate, covered, overnight (or for at least a few hours).

3) In the morning, shake again, pour into a dish of choice, and garnish with toppings of choice.

That other story...

2013-04-18T17:58:00.002-05:00

There is no good way to follow up Tuesday's post.

I'm back in Minnesota, but I left part of my heart in Boston. I ache for the victims and their families, and I still haven't wrapped my head around Monday’s explosions and aftermath. I'm inspired by the strength of Boston, and I'm in awe of the tireless efforts of the volunteers and emergency workers and military members.

We bought lunch for a couple of firemen in Boston yesterday, which is a pathetically puny gesture, but sometimes when you don't know what to do you make food happen (that's why people end up with 9,000 casserole dishes and Jell-O molds after a funeral).

I digress. Since there's no way to do this right, I'm going to embrace doing it wrong.

I mentioned that I'd be eternally grateful to the reason I ran the Boston Marathon slower than usual.

If all goes well, that reason will be born in October.

Perhaps I should put down the wine and hold the baby with two hands.
And maybe away from the electric cord.
I'm bad at this already.

Yes, I’m adding "Mom" to the list of names people call me. After spending the last decade or two freely declaring my distaste for babies, I'm crossing to the dark side. This has actually been in the works for some time.

I am probably not what most people would call "maternal."

Or "nurturing."

Or "able to care for another living entity."

I’m still wary of children. They are always sticky and they are generally dripping with something. Having said that, this wee one is very planned and wanted. This all makes me a giant, walking hypocrite.

Fortunately, this kid has an unbelievably fantastic father. (And the father has promised to ghost-blog beer and wine posts for you while I'm on the wagon.)

I will try not to let this blog morph into a black hole of baby stuff, but there's a lot of baby stuff out there.

Here's what I've learned so far:

Whatever you are currently doing, eating, thinking, saying, considering eating, considering doing, considering thinking, or considering eating? It’s completely off-limits, and you have just irreparably doomed your baby.

I'm ashamed to admit that I recently watched MTV True Life: I'm Addicted To Heroin, so let's say that I hypothetically watched that show. And instead of thinking: "Ugh, I can't imagine doing that to your life," I hypothetically thought: "Those poor parents." And then, hypothetically, I realized that I am old.

I owe my mom a very big hug. And probably a moderately sized private island.

Speaking of hugs, after a week like this one I am inclined to hug everyone a bit closer. Please do the same. Unless you don’t know that person, in which case a platonic, sturdy handshake or an enthusiastic smile should suffice.

p.s. I've been overwhelmed by the response to Tuesday's blog. I've heard that my blog wasn't allowing comments, and I apologize for that, but I'm grateful for all the messages that found their way to me. It's all for Boston. Big hugs for Boston (not just a sturdy handshake).

On the Boston Marathon

2013-04-16T18:46:00.002-05:00

This is supposed to be my Awe and Blah. I try to be some combination of mean and funny in my Awes and Blahs. I don't have much of either in me today.

This week went a bit differently than I'd planned.

I was going to trash the travel and airline companies who, in spite of booking several months in advance, made it so we didn't have a flight to Boston until a few hours before take-off.

Now that feels like ten years ago.

I ran the Boston Marathon yesterday.

Pre-chaos. I took this from the top of the famous "Heartbreak Hill" at mile 21.

I ran slower than usual, which meant that I was still on the course when I was stopped by a commotion 1/2 mile from the finish.

"What's this? Why are we stopping?"

We were done. The race was over. Something had happened at the finish.

People were saying things like "bomb." It didn't make sense.

As we stood, shivering, pulled up short, rumors swirled. I was fortunate to have run with my cell phone. While calls couldn't go through (we later learned that the city shut down call service for fear of a remote detonation), we could text. I loaned my phone to others who were worried about loved ones.

Texts were taking forever to go through, so there were an extra tense few moments until I heard back from my husband, who was spectating, and my sister-in-law, who was also running. My husband found me and promptly loaned his jacket and towel to a runner who was much worse off than me.

I overheard many complaints about not being allowed to finish when we were so close. Those complaints diminished substantially as we began to learn more about what was going on. Then, medals seemed gratuitous and almost grotesque in their display of self-importance.

Police guarding the area near the finish line, surrounded by discarded foil wraps (taken the day after).

Text messages flew. I shot off quick answers that belied the craziness of the situation:

"Yes, fine."

"Thanks. Safe."

"All accounted for."

Then it was confirmed: two dead; countless injured. It wasn't real. Not here. Not at the Boston Marathon, which is an inherently, fundamentally pure event: the way you get it done is to run more than you should be able to run. The reason it works is because a whole lot of people help you.

For the last few hours I'd been taking candy from children (that sounds bad — it was offered) and ice from old men and accepting smiles and cheers and praise from people I'd never met and would never see again.

The juxtaposition of this with bombs didn't work in my brain. It was dissonant, like a fifth grade violin concert but scarier.

Then the angels came out. One man was handing out t-shirts from a box; presumably his own collection.

T-shirt angel

People came by offering pretzels and string cheese. An official vehicle showed up with the foil wraps that runners are typically given at the finish line to stay warm.

We were directed down side streets toward buses that held our bags.

It was about a 1.5 mile walk, which should have been excruciating after the sudden stop and 25.7 miles of running, but we were all in a daze.

Along the way I got emails from contacts (and contacts of contacts) at MPR and WCCO, both of whom requested interviews. As a media geek myself, I certainly understood the desire for a local angle and obliged, though at that point I still didn't have the full story and I have no idea what I said or how I was even able to construct a coherent sentence. I hope it helped rather than hindered.

Looking down toward the finish line (taken the day after).

Then my phone was dying. My husband's was too. But we were together.

No sooner did we arrive at the buses than police came running through, shouting for us to clear the area. They banged on the buses, screaming: Get out! Now! Apparently they suspected that race bags may have been used to harbor explosives.

The bus/bag area being evacuated

We got out.

One police officer told us to evacuate the city. "Get out of here. Go home," he said.

"My home is in Minneapolis," I replied.

"Well, then, just leave."

It struck me that, while I couldn't follow his orders, he had no intention of following them either.

You just can't plan for something like this, no matter how many "emergency preparedness" drills you do.

Mobile mass decontamination unit (taken the day after). Thankfully we didn't need this.

The bravery and calm of the organizers, volunteers, and civil servants was nothing short of extraordinary. The kindness of strangers was overwhelming.

We were miles from the hotel, and all the blockades were between us and the hotel. We had no transportation and only knew that we shouldn't be where we were.

So we started to walk, in a very roundabout way. I didn't quite make it 26.2 miles on the course, but by the time I arrived back at the hotel my GPS said I'd covered about 30. I've decided that counts.

We hunkered down in the hotel with my sister-in-law and her family. She had run faster than me and was in the bag area when the explosions went off. She saw the smoke.

She was happy she hadn't run just a little bit slower.

I was happy I hadn't run just a little bit faster.

We both felt that kind of guilty gratitude that sits awkwardly in your gut when you are a few minutes from something awful and that something awful happens to someone else instead.

I should have been faster. I wasn't, and I'm eternally grateful to the reason I wasn't, but that's another story. And, again, I wasn't.

I don't want this to turn into a saga of "Oh, God, how terrible, because it was almost me," because it wasn't me and it isn't about me and I was not victimized in any way. It was terrible because of what happened, not because of my role in it or lack thereof. This is simply an observer's tale, because I'm a writer, and when stuff happens, I write.

Just a few (hundred) reporters (taken the day after).

We watched the news all night, and it felt like something far away instead of something that was unfolding on our doorstep. The constant squeals of emergency vehicles went all night and are still going as I write from my hotel room in Boston.

We walked around for almost ten miles today. (Self-inflicted sore legs.) The whole city is inundated with FBI, SWAT, military, and police from everywhere. There are "Police Line Do Not Cross" tapes and bomb-sniffing dogs and helicopters and news crews and it all feels sort of like a movie set.

Media and investigators gathered

This morning we finally went back to claim my race bag. An organizer handed me my bag, and then placed a finisher medal around my neck. I burst into tears.

Maybe because deep down (or not so deep down) I'm pretty selfish and I knew this was probably going to be my only Boston Marathon since it took me 12 tries to qualify and I'd already tested the Boston Gods by breaking my leg before last year's race and sneaking in to this year's on a technicality.

Maybe because I felt guilty about how happy that stupid piece of metal made me.

Maybe because it was something bright and shiny in the midst of a lot of dark and scary stuff.

I'm sure it hasn't sunken in yet. I know that I get to go home with my husband tomorrow, both of us safe, both of us able to go about our lives. I know that hundreds of others and their families do not.

I know that this example of the worst in humanity brought out the best in humanity, and it also brought out a lot of misinformation and prejudices in those rushing to place blame. I don't know why it happened, and while I'd like to know who did it and why, it won't make much of a difference for me.

I know that this will change the Boston Marathon, and other marathons, and probably other public events. I would run Boston again in a heartbeat, because: a) stuff can happen anywhere, and b) shying away only confirms that the bad guys won.

Of course, that's easy for me to say. All I have are sore legs and some unnerving memories and a very long blog post.

Thanks for listening.

Run on, Boston.

Out of Office

2013-04-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hello. Thank you for ~~your email~~ navigating to this web page.
I am out of the office and thus unable to respond to ~~your email~~ your...um...navigation.

If you are US Airways, Visa Flexperks, or Travelocity contacting me to apologize for your raging incompetence, you can reach me directly on my emergency line at you_are_awful@shameonyourstupidfaces.com.

Best Regards,
Ellen

P.S. Mom, don't worry, everything's fine.

April Blizzard Menu: Slow Cooker Sweet Potato Lentil Chili; Whole Wheat Molasses Bread; Baked Kale Chips

2013-04-12T00:06:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I cannot BELIEVE that I'm posting these recipes in April. It has been snowing all day and is supposed to snow tomorrow too, so I figured I may as well sneak in one last cold weather-friendly meal.

If it's already warm where you are, I hate you, and bookmark this for next fall. Enjoy your smoothies and margaritas.

There are three parts to this meal; I've posted the bread and kale chips before but I'm reposting here. The sweet potato lentil chili is new.

It's also extremely forgiving, so feel free to add or subtract ingredients or spices as you see fit. (I refused to venture out into the storm to the grocery store today, so this is "kitchen sink chili.")

[Oops. Forgot to take a picture. It looks...like chili.]

Sweet Potato Lentil Chili in the Slow Cooker

Ingredients:

- 1 small onion, diced

- 1 red pepper, diced

- 1 green pepper, diced

- 2 c. sweet potato, peeled and cubed

- 1/2 c. sweet corn (frozen is fine; add more if you like corn)

- 1 can black beans

- 1 c. lentils, rinsed

- 2 tsp. paprika

- 1 tsp. nutmeg

- 1 tsp. curry powder/cumin

- 1 tsp. cinnamon

- 3 c. water

- 1-2 c. tomato sauce or diced tomatoes

- 2 Tbls. lime juice

- 1 Tbls. butter

- 2 cloves garlic

- 1/2 tsp. curry powder/cumin

Directions

1) Dump the vegetables and spices (excluding the lime juice, butter, and second dose of curry powder) into the slow cooker. Stir to coat.

2) Turn on the slow cooker to low.

3) After a couple of minutes, stir again and add water and tomato juice.

4) Cook all day on low. Stir occasionally if you can.

5) Consider briefly blending PART of the chili with an immersion blender.

6) Before you're ready to serve, heat the butter in a small skillet. Add the garlic and curry powder and cook on low until lightly toasted (don't let the spices burn). Add mixture to slow cooker.

7) Stir in lime juice.

8) Serve and enjoy! (Optional toppers: shredded cheddar cheese, cilantro, greek yogurt, etc.)

WHOLE WHEAT MOLASSES BREAD (recipe adapted from Jeanne Lemlin's Quick Vegetarian Pleasures)

Ingredients:

- 2 c. whole wheat flour

- 1-1/2 tsp. baking powder

- 1/2 tsp. baking soda

- 3/4 tsp. salt

- 1-1/2 tsp. caraway seeds (optional)

- 1 large egg

- 1 c. buttermilk, or plain lowfat yogurt (I used the yogurt)

- 1/2 c. molasses (again, I used blackstrap)

- 1/4 c. vegetable oil

Directions:

1) Preheat the oven to 350 degrees fahrenheit, then butter a 9x5 inch (1-1/2 qt.) loaf pan.

2) In a large bowl, thoroughly combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, caraway seeds and salt.

3) In a medium bowl, bea thte egg, then beat in the buttermilk or yogurt, molasses and oil. Scrape this into the flour mixture and stir just until combined.

4) Pour the batter into the prepared loaf pan and bake 40 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the center of hte loaf comes out dry. Cool on a rack 10 minutes, then remove the loaf from the pan and cool at least 1 hour before slicing.

Baked Kale Chips
Ingredients
- Kale, rinsed thoroughly removed from the hard (inedible) stem and torn into bite-sized pieces. The curly kind works best.
- Olive oil (or cooking spray if you really want to cut down the calories)
- Sea salt
- Black pepper (optional)

Directions
1) Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2) Pat rinsed, torn kale pieces dry (also use a salad spinner if you have one).
3) Put dry kale pieces in a bowl, drizzle with olive oil or spray with cooking spray and toss to lightly coat.
4) Line a large baking sheet with parchment paper or aluminum foil.
5) Spread the kale pieces in a single layer on the baking sheet.
6) Sprinkle sea salt and (optional) black pepper on the kale.
7) Bake for approximately 12 minutes (watch it like a hawk; there's a fine line between crispy and burned).

Ready For Love

2013-04-09T22:27:00.002-05:00

Looking for your Awe and Blah? Check Monday! And if you missed this weekend's post — or any of the 10,000 posts from last week — check 'em out!

What: Ready for Love (NBC)
Rating: 3
Non-Quantifiable Rating: Stop. Don't even read this. I'm too ashamed that I watched it, let alone am reviewing it. Let me preserve SOME dignity.

Blargh.

You know what the world needs? Another reality dating show.

Fortunately, NBC was there to deliver.

Ready For Love premiered tonight after mucho publicity.

The formula? Three dudes + three matchmakers + two celebrity hosts + a live audience + a vending machine full of pretty girls who will be publicly dumped one by one.

This is highbrow, intellectual stuff.

Ready For Love is vomit-inducingly earnest and faux-sincere. They reaaaaallly want to be taken seriously.

No, this is NOT The Bachelor, with its fame-junkies and drama and abysmal failure rate.

This is about REAL LOVE, people. Trust them.

That's why the ~~bachelor~~
~~canidate~~
~~actor~~
guy they featured tonight is a ROCK STAR (singer of the Plain White Ts), and why, according to my BFF Google, every single girl vying for his attention is an aspiring model.

Yes. This is real, authentic, un-glamorized love.

No one wants to be famous here. No-Sir-Ree-Bob.

And the drama on the premier episode? That was probably just a fluke, right?

Ah. How refreshing.

I will definitely not watch it next week. It's offensive and gross and dumb.

Don't pay any attention to the fact that my DVR is scheduled to record it next week. I will absolutely not be watching it.

Definitely not.

No chance.

Almost 100% not.

Okay, but if I did, I wouldn't enjoy it.

Academy of Country Music Awards (ACM) Red Carpet Awe and Blah

2013-04-07T20:29:00.003-05:00

I know, I know...since I posted so much last week I said that my weekend post (see it below!!) would stay up until Wednesday.

But then I started seeing photos from the Academy of Country Music Awards on People.com. And...I just had to make it my early Awe and Blah for the week.

You'll see why.

There are a few Awes...let's skim through those quickly so we can get to the ~~bad~~ good stuff.

Awe

Faith Hill would like to remind everyone that she is better than us at everything.

Including pulling off see-through lace and a slit at 45. Cool shoes, too.

Poor Taylor Swift has been taking a lot of flak lately

for her serial dating and her possibly faux earnestness.

She just used this super hot, super sophisticated dress

to kick all of her haters directly in the face.

My first thought was: "Presenting Mrs. Georgia 1998!" But then I keep looking at it, and I kept liking it. Great shape, love the texture, and the color looks fabulous on her. Plus, I was struggling for "Awes" because things were...well...UGLY at the CMAs.

Case(s) in point:

Blah

I don't know who this person is (apparently her name is Katie Armiger),

but she seems to have found one of those nice foil wraps that they

drape over your shoulders after a marathon to keep you from cooling off too fast.

I keep one in my car in case I:

a) get stranded in a snowbank, or

b) need to attend an awards ceremony.

Sheryl Crow proves that Smurfs can be risquè, thankyouverymuch.

This is a rarely seen shot of ~~Danielle Peck~~ Big Bird upside-down.

I take some comfort in the fact that there's no freakin' way

Tobi Lee actually thought this looked good.

And a Bonus Blah, with no explanation needed other than the fact that it's world-renowned fashion icon Dog the Bounty Hunter and his lady friend:

That's special.

Buzzfeed Loves Minnesota

2013-04-06T11:52:00.001-05:00

I gave you like 6,000 posts last week (okay, five) so today I'm letting Buzzfeed do the work. (This post will be up through Wednesday.)

Buzzfeed is an occasionally off-color, sometimes stupid, and always irreverent "news" blog. It is one of the top 500 visited websites in the world, so one of their articles from this weekend was very exciting.

It's called: "38 Things Minnesotans Are Too Nice To Brag About."

#28 is pretty exciting!

As the commenters pointed out, they forgot Spam, Soul Asylum, Rollerblades, Nerf, and my former next door neighbors, Rhymesayers Entertainment.

Here's the link to the full story! (I'd copy it all here but the gifs would crash my site and then Buzzfeed would sue me and none of that is good.)

http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewgauthier/things-minnesotans-are-too-nice-to-brag-about

Target's Manatee and Heather Gray Fail

2013-04-05T00:08:00.000-05:00

What: Target
Rating: Fail
Non-Quantifiable Rating: Miscommunication in the age of social media = dumb.

Sharp-eyed Twitter user @suZen spotted a serious fail on the part of Target stores.

The same dress is available in the same color, in both plus sized and non-plus sized versions.

The problem? The color has two different names.

The non-plus sized version is called "Heather Gray."

The plus sized version is called "Manatee Gray."

Uhhhhh....

Now, I used to work at Target headquarters. I know that these products would be handled by completely different buyers. These buyers are overworked and have ten zillion SKUs (items) to deal with, so it's hard to blame them.

I also know (from researching this story) that "Manatee Gray" is actually a color description used for a lot of products at Target (pillows, linens, etc.).

Still...how does this get all the way to the store floor and the website with NO ONE noticing? How difficult is it to use consistent color descriptors?

When someone on social media has to be the one to point our your super awkward faux pas, it has gone too far.

By the way, this story is all over the place, but I found it originally on the UK's Daily Mail. Check out the (no doubt carefully selected and purchased) banner ad at the top of the story. Sigh. *Shaking head.*

Homemade Coconut Chocolate Face & Body Scrub

2013-04-04T00:04:00.000-05:00

Note: I accidentally posted this early; you're getting it again. Deal with it. New post Friday.

What: Homemade Coconut Chocolate Face & Body Scrub
Rating: 9
Non-Quantifiable Rating: Yes, you can eat it.

There's a line of natural body scrubs out there called Fresh.

They would like me to pay $38 for a teeny tiny container of stuff, and $65 for a moderately sized container of stuff.

In response, I would like to laugh directly in their silly faces.

I decided to make my own scrub.

It's made of 100% natural ingredients, and it goes without saying that there's no artificial additives, flavors, fragrances, or preservatives.

Actually, you can eat the stuff. I tried it. It's delicious, but I hate to think of the nutrition facts.

It also smells divine.

I'll post my recipe here, but there's about a trillion and one variations that you can use. The general idea is plain old sugar + good quality oil.

Ellen's Homemade Coconut Chocolate Face & Body Scrub
Ingredients
- 1/4 c. extra virgin coconut oil (Nutiva makes great stuff). I melted it in order to mix it properly.
- 1 Tbls. grapeseed oil
- 1/4 c. sugar
- 2 tsp. unsweetened cocoa powder

Directions
Mix well, try not to eat all of it, and use it!

After cleansing, scrub it on your face and/or body. (Be gentle on your face!)

Rinse off. You probably won't even need lotion after your shower. Be careful, because oil makes shower floors slippery!

Enjoy your smooth, soft, glowing skin without the crazy price tag!

Awe and Blah: Homemade Oatmeal and McDonald's Oatmeal

2013-04-03T00:06:00.000-05:00

Awe

What: Homemade Oatmeal
Why: I think I made the best bowl of oatmeal ever. Ever.
Here's what I did:

First, I mixed:

1/2 cup plain quick-cooking rolled oats
1 serving vanilla protein powder
Generous sprinkle of cinnamon

Then I added 1-1/4 c. water. (Okay, I didn't measure it. I just poured in enough water to make it look right.)

Stir.

Then add:

One extra ripe banana, mashed up (you can slice it into the bowl and mash it right there

Microwave for 90 seconds.

Stir well and re-mash the banana so it's completely incorporated into the oatmeal.

Microwave for another 30-60 seconds if need be.

Top with:

Drizzle of honey
2 T. of granola (I used my aunt's delicious homemade granola, but any healthy, low-sugar stuff will do. If you don't have granola, try sliced almonds.)

OMG. It...it was glorious. Little oatmeal-coated angels came down from the heavens and sang to me while I ate.

This differs significantly from...

Blah

image via huffingtonpost.com

What: Fast food oatmeal

Why: I'm only in a McDonald's if I'm at the airport. Still, I'm at airports fairly frequently and I was glad when they introduced oatmeal since it seemed like a great cheap, healthy breakfast option.

Cheap? Sure. Healthy? Mmm, not so much.

As food guru Mark Bittman (with whom I am best friends in my head) points out, McDonald's oatmeal is pretty much a sham.

With the sugar content and laundry list of questionable ingredients, the deceptive dish fails just about every health test.

In fact, you'd get less sugar — and about the same amount of processed stuff — by eating a Snickers bar. For real.

Sure, the cream and brown sugar and sweetened fruit contributes to the problem, but the scariest thing is the base ingredient, the oatmeal itself.

It has seven ingredients.

Gwaaaah?!?! Oatmeal IS an ingredient. There should be ONE ingredient in oatmeal: OATMEAL.

Oh, side note: it's called fruit and maple oatmeal, but maple is nowhere to be found. In fact, state officials in Vermont served McDonald's with a lawsuit threat since apparently you're not allowed to use the words "natural" and "maple" together if there is in fact no real maple syrup in your product.

Zing.