My regular readers are probably confused. About a week ago I wrote a post that began, “I blew the marathon.” But the concept of failure is pretty subjective in the area of personal goals, isn’t it? I mean, if I keep running and working and trying really hard but never qualify for the Boston Marathon, would I have to put “She was a nice lady but didn’t ever make it to Boston, so you decide…” on my epitaph?

My point here is that no one is living or dying because of my marathon time. I’m the only one interested in interpreting it as a success or failure, improvement or slip. People are interested in the time or the event because they like me, perhaps, but I’m not the only American running in an international competition, with the country’s collective self-esteem riding on my shoulders. I’m trying to come to the same conclusions about my writing.

A few weeks ago a literary agent told me my first book should be on an intensely personal topic about which I have unintentional expertise. “When you write that one,” he said, “We can get you on The Today Show.” Ooohhhhh….. was coffee across the couch from Matt Lauer far behind?!? I was all aflutter. And this book will help people, I reasoned. I need to write this book — to give others the strength to overcome their own adversity. It’s my duty! It’s my calling! It’s Matt Lauer!

I dived headlong into book plans, mapping out a strategy to put together a book proposal that would knock socks off. The first step was to get more clips in this particular subject area, so that’s where the essay came from. I asked for help with a critique, and five generous souls volunteered.

Ack! Ugh! When I saw the list of people who asked to read it, I flipped out. I couldn’t possibly show it to Mr. Moses! What would he think? And a family friend?? I’d be horrified! All these nice, wonderful people want to share with me, and I’m petrified.

I sent it to the first three readers with explanations and apologies and much apprehension, and then I started to think. Why do I have to make myself so uncomfortable and unhappy for the sake of helping mankind (and meeting Matt Lauer)? If I never write this book, will anyone care? Yes, I think people would relate to my story, but do I have an obligation to the world to share it?

Um, nope. Just like I don’t have an obligation to the world to qualify for Boston. I think writers feel the need to produce something from the dark pain they experience, and certainly some of the best books are honest, unflinching accounts of painful moments we can relate to. But do I have to fall into that category? No. Or maybe not now, not for this topic.

Sure, I’ll keep working toward my own personal goals with my running and writing, and I’ll keep having my own tiny little triumphs and defeats along the way. And I can share them or not, but only if I’m comfortable with that level of exposure. If not, I can keep my own little secrets, and no one will be worse for wear.

PS — Stop speculating on the topic — I didn’t do anything illegal, and I’m just fine these days.

I helped build a website for a client, and we launched about 4 months ago. From the beginning, the stats weren’t working correctly. Here’s a summary of my correspondence with the project manager.

4 months ago — Me: Hey, stats aren’t working. Project Manager: Be patient. It takes a while.

3.5 months ago — Me: Hey, stats aren’t working yet. PM: I’ll look into it.

3 months ago — Me: Hey, any updates? I’ve been doing research, and the following things are wrong on your end… PM: Silence.

2.5 months ago — Me: Hey, I have to have an update. PM: The techs say everything is installed correctly. The problem is on your end. Me: No. It. Is. Not! Here’s why! (lengthy email with info). PM: I’ll look into it.

[Repeat last conversation 2-3 more times with lengthy silences in between.]

1.5 months ago — PM: For the third time our techs have verified that everything is installed correctly. Please check the settings on your end. Me: For the umpteenth time, here’s proof that it’s not installed correctly! PM: I’ll look into it.

2 weeks ago — Me: HEY! It’s been a month! This is completely unacceptable. PM: Silence. Me: [Call to PM's Boss] This is unacceptable. PM’s Boss: I will get you an answer right away.

Last week — Me [to PM and PM's Boss]: HEY HEY HEY! It’s been another 2 weeks! Did you not hear me say this is unacceptable? PM and Boss: Silence.

Yesterday — [My client sends one email and makes 2 calls]. PM: Beth, we have repaired all your statistics. Please let us know if you need anything else.

***

My client sends one email. He calls and rips the PM a new one and asks her to ask the boss to call him. By 9 p.m., all my issues are repaired, despite the fact that for 4 months the company (through the PM) had been telling me that the problems were on my end. I spent hours doing research and writing emails to tell them exactly what was going wrong, and I swear they didn’t read any of them until the client got involved.

I’m still trying to figure out why they didn’t take me seriously. I remained professional but insistent the entire time. I followed up repeatedly. I even did all the homework for them to show them where the errors were. Nothing. It wasn’t until my client (who can be a real tough SOB) gets on the phone that things happen.

Is this because I’m a woman? Is it because I’m the marketing manager and not the actual client? Should I have launched into full bitch mode weeks ago? I kept my client fully aware of the challenges, but I asked him not to get involved until I tried my best to resolve it without reaming someone (my client is famous for reaming vendors). I knew that once he got involved, there would be blood, and there was.

UGH! Why didn’t they just take me seriously? Now, although I’m sure that they’re going to be much more responsive from here on out, we have a giant gap in our relationship. I like people to like me (I find I can get more accomplished that way), and my PM is certainly not ever going to like me again. I guess it’s not imperative that she does, but I certainly don’t trust her and I certainly don’t want to reach out to her for assistance on the site. The whole situation has, in my opinion, compromised the service I can give to my client, and it could have been resolved so easily (the problems were actually addressed and repaired in 3 hours).

Grr.

With the exception of the magazine editor who rejected it so far, no one has read it. I would dearly love objective feedback on the piece so I can firm it up and make it super-duper for publication.

Would you take a look? Great! Please choose your feedback from the following list of approved responses:

• Beth, oh, honey, I was so touched by your experience.
• Beth, this is perfect. I can’t think of a thing you need to fix.
• Beth, this is about the strongest essay I’ve read in my life.

Here’s my problem… I’m so connected to this piece and it’s so personal that I can’t bear to share it for a critique. What if you tell me it doesn’t make sense? What if you think it’s long and rambling? Short and confusing? Annoying and self-serving? I want to approach a couple of my profs from journalism school to ask them to help me shape it up, but I’m petrified of what I’m going to hear.

This, of course, is ridiculous. I make my living helping businesses polish their initial ideas and first drafts into strong copy they can be proud of. I know first hand how important an objective review can be. More often than not, I’m the one who walks around with a red pen on a project, suggesting, “Gosh, this is good. And if we rearrange this, it’ll be better!” I know I’ve unintentionally hurt feelings when I come in and completely overhaul a piece that an in-house staffer poured sweat and tears into. I work very, very hard to be respectful and gentle, but I remind people that the better a piece is written, the more effective it’ll be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can say that to others, but I sure as heck don’t want to hear it. This is one of the reasons I hesitate about writing a personal book. When I write things that are this honest, it’s painful enough already. I can’t possibly imagine someone plowing through it to find mistakes, missteps and disorganization.

Err. That being said… I know it has to be done. Dear readers, may I call upon you for an honest critique? I’m going to buy some big girl panties from Victoria’s Secret, so I’m ready to hear the truth. Just drop me a note if you’re interested. No, really.

My super-secret goal was 4:38, 30 minutes off last year’s time. My coach said I could make sub 4:50. And we all KNEW I could finish in under 5.

I finished at 5:02:08. [Expletive deleted.]

The point of this blog post is not to share my marathon story… it’s to share what happens when one spends too much time alone. Since graduate school I’ve spent most of my working life in an isolated work environment. I’ve worked out of a home office for the better part of the last 6 years. When one works with others, one interacts. People come by and say hello. One attends meetings. One sits with people at lunch. One washes hands next to someone else in an office bathroom. One’s thoughts are frequently disrupted with friendly greetings, trivial gossip and business updates. And one has less time to obsess.

Since the marathon, I’ve been obsessing about those damn 2 minutes. WHAT IF? WHY DIDN’T I? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT AN IDIOT! I’ve been coulda-woulda-shoulda-ing for days. I do this with so many topics, and I think it’s a direct result of sitting here in this living room day after day, lost in my own thoughts and not finding ways to break out of my own head.

Is there a solution? Beats me. I’ve tried walking around the block, keeping the TV on in the background, calling friends. Stepping out for a cup of coffee used to help when I lived across the street from one, but now I’m about 2 miles from a strip. I think the solution (other than simply finding a job working with others) is to recognize the obsessive thought patterns and put an end to them before they take on a life of their own. I have to remind myself that I’m really one of the luckiest human beings who has ever lived, and if my biggest problem is that I missed my marathon goal by 2 minutes and 8 seconds, life ain’t so bad.

Yep, life ain’t so bad.

I’m not ready!! I didn’t run enough. I didn’t lose enough weight. I skipped track a couple of times. I didn’t push myself on long runs. I ate too many Cheese Nips at the aid stations. I should have eaten more protein and less fat. Have I been hydrating enough? Sleeping enough? Why didn’t I work harder?? Please, can I start again? I’ll do better next time!

Yeah, it’s not pretty. When your success or failure is measured by a digital readout on a timer as you cross the finish line, you’ve got one shot to make everything perfect, and it’s never perfect enough.

Frequently I write about how what I learn about running helps me with my life as a professional writer, but in this case, I should learn from my business experience. Writing for a living has no real finish line. All along the way I’m making adjustments, improvements, mistakes and achievements. Sure, I have big projects and deadlines, but the line for success is a lot more gray. If I get the project in on time and the client likes the results, I’m satisfied. I bet the prose can always be tighter, the words more precise, the verbs more vivid. But I’m not looking for a personal record every time I start a project. I’m more looking for overall improvement and a happy client.

I’ve not once stopped to scream… wait — I’ve eaten too much pizza! I can’t possibly succeed in this project! I have come to recognize that writing is a process, and the ideas, the precision, the talent all ebb and flow. That means I’m not always 100 percent prepared for a project or perfect with the final project… it means I’m constantly working toward a better goal and making progress. I need to view my running that way… Saturday’s marathon is simply one deadline in a lifelong quest to improve my fitness. My performance on this run has nothing to do with my self worth. If I get set a personal record, wonderful. If I don’t, I have a lifetime to keep improving (or at least until I grind my knees into powder).

I’ll try to keep this in mind for 26.2 miles, and I’ll try to stop my inner voice from drowning out the fun. Wish me luck!

-Walter Wellesley “Red” Smith

After my visit with a literary agent, I developed a clear idea of the book I want to write. I need to write a killer book proposal first, which means I need to build up my writing credentials to make it look like I’m the best person to write this book.

So I started a personal essay that I’m pitching to national women’s magazines. I’m thinking 1000-2000 words. Given that I write at least 500-2000 each day for clients, I figured I could just knock it out. After all, I just need to write my own experiences, right?

Holy crap was I wrong.

I already had about 800 words of another piece that I could use for a starting place. I went to a coffee shop Sunday to slam it out. One hour, two hours, three. The work just kept expanding. I returned home to keep working. Four hours. Five. After the sixth hour my eyes were blurry. My butt was numb. I wasn’t finished. And I was flabbergasted that writing my own stories was so difficult.

As a professional writer, I compose articles and marketing copy all the time. But now that I’ve been spending time writing my own stuff, I realize that I make my living more assembling the content than creating it. I interview people for profiles, so they provide their own content. I use facts about a company to write web pages, adding keywords from a list for search engine optimization. The chunks of information I need to do my job are either handed to me or fairly easy to gather.

But when it all comes from me, it takes more time than I ever imagined. I have to work to pull memories, struggle to capture them correctly, fight to find little details that will illustrate points. And I have to write it so that my voice comes out — which means I have to *find* my voice.

As a business person, I’m weighing the ROI per hour spent on different types of writing. The ROI on business writing is pretty darn good. I can easily write a 500-word press release in 1.5 hours and get paid in two weeks. The ROI on personal writing, be it fiction, nonfiction narrative or business book writing, seems to suck. I spent a good 15 hours total on 2000 words, and I haven’t come close to selling it (though I did get a “good” rejection already). It’ll probably take me weeks of research and waiting to find the market — at least another 5 hours of work. That’s 20 hours for 2000 words, with no guarantee that I’ll ever get paid.

Err. If I had studied accounting, the answer would be clear. Dang my nagging need to write for myself!

To defriend someone is to remove him from your list of contacts on MySpace, Facebook or other social networking sites. An ad campaign from Burger King asked people to defriend 10 people to receive a free Whopper. How can that really be a word? Recessionista is a portmanteau of recession and fashionista, meaning someone who strives to dress chic even though she’s broke. When the economy gets going again, this word should disappear. So why does it need to go into our permanent collection?

The Global Language Monitor says it has rules for determining when a word really becomes legitimate enough for the collection. It has to appear at least 25,000 times in a variety of geographic locations and media. The man behind the project said a word is created about once every 98 minutes.

As a professional writer, my first response is argh! These made up words and language additions drive me insane. Do you realize how long it takes to dig to find if Octomom has to be capitalized or hyphenated? For gosh sake’s… did you see that n00b uses zeros? How the heck am I supposed to know that?

This brings up the question of finding the 2009 ultimate style guide. The Second Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary has, give or take, about a quarter of a million words and definitions. The edgy, off-color Urban Dictionary claims to have 4,032,262 definitions written since 1999. The word of the day today is beat feet, which means to leave a selected area, as in “My bitter ex-girlfriend showed up at the party I was at, so Jeff gave me a heads up and I beat feet.” Or should we rely on the Coffee house fact finders who post to Wikipedia? The Associated Press Stylebook just doesn’t help at times like these.

Here’s the top 16 near 1,000,000,000:

• 1,000,000: Web 2.0 – The next generation of web products and services, coming soon to a browser near you.
• 999,999: Jai Ho! – The Hindi phrase signifying the joy of victory, used as an exclamation, sometimes rendered as “It is accomplished”. Achieved English-language popularity through the multiple Academy Award Winning film, “Slumdog Millionaire”.
• 999,998: N00b — From the Gamer Community, a neophyte in playing a particular game; used as a disparaging term.
• 999,997: Slumdog – a formerly disparaging, now often endearing, comment upon those residing in the slums of India.
• 999,996: Cloud Computing – The ‘cloud’ has been technical jargon for the Internet for many years. It is now passing into more general usage.
• 999,995: Carbon Neutral — One of the many phrases relating to the effort to stem Climate Change.
• 999,994: Slow Food — Food other than the fast-food variety hopefully produced locally (locavores).
• 999,993: Octomom – The media phenomenon relating to the travails of the mother of the octuplets.
• 999,992: Greenwashing – Re-branding an old, often inferior, product as environmentally friendly.
• 999,991: Sexting – Sending email (or text messages) with sexual content.
• 999,990: Shovel Ready – Projects are ready to begin immediately upon the release of federal stimulus funds.
• 999,989: Defriend – Social networking terminology for cutting the connection with a formal friend.
• 999,988: Chengguan – Urban management officers, a cross between mayors, sheriff, and city managers.
• 999,987: Recessionista – Fashion conscious who use the global economic restructuring to their financial benefit.
• 999,986: Zombie Banks – Banks that would be dead if not for government intervention and cash infusion.
• 1,000,001: Financial Tsunami – The global financial restructuring that seemingly swept out of nowhere, wiping out trillions of dollars of assets, in a matter of months

Couldn’t have done it with out your and @sdtips support! Many many thank yous to both of you!

I’m so grateful and pleased that my encouragement helped her find the courage to do something that makes her very happy. Her success is a wonderful gift that makes me smile, and I’m humbled she feels I had a hand in it.

As a 40-year-old woman, I’ve been taking stock of the lives I’ve touched, the impact I’ve made. I’ve suffered for many years from existential angst, the kind of contemplation that makes you wonder why you’re here, what you’re doing, what difference it might make. Much of this, I think, stems from the fact that I chose not to have children. My sister and my parents have proof that they are here for a reason. They have made a tangible contribution to the world we live in, and they consider their children a justification of their existence. Or at least that’s how I see it.

So, how do those of us who don’t contribute to the continuation of the human race measure a successful life? If I die tomorrow, is the world a better place because I breathed?

I suppose the desire to write books comes from the drive to make an impact, to leave a small mark. But there’s a chance that the book dream won’t come true (mostly because of my fears of success, failure and mediocrity). But if I look at the sum of the little things, I think I can come to the conclusion that I’ve made a difference.

1. Igniting a passion for running
   I had run one marathon when I started inviting my wonderful friend Erin to run with me. We started slowly, with lots of walk breaks and plenty of uplifting conversation. I pushed Erin along the Embarcadero to run her first 5k without stopping, and she and I celebrated in the parking lot when she finished. I was so proud.

   Erin moved to Davis to work on her Ph.D., but we keep in touch. She recently ran her first half marathon.

2. Helping someone right a wrong
   A receptionist at a company where I worked was struggling with the basic English skills she needed to do her job. Our boss was sick of the grammar, spelling and punctuation errors, and she was going to lose her job. I’m a former English teacher, so I approached the boss with a plan to tutor her to get her up to speed. He accepted.

   The receptionist not only improved her skills, she ended up getting the confidence to finally take her G.E.D., which she passed. She had always been humiliated that she didn’t finish high school, and she cried when she got the results.

3. Making people feel
   I think some of the things I write and say have the ability to evoke emotion. I kinda think I’m funny, or maybe I think I’m kinda funny. Some of my written pieces have elicited passionate responses from readers, whether it’s amusement, sadness, empathy or excitement. When I attended a read-and-critique class, I almost swooned when people would say with emphasis, “I LOVED this piece.”  Or they’d come up to me after and tell me how my words had touched them. When I take people away for a few minutes and give them a small escape, I consider that an accomplishment.

There are other anecdotes I could list here. I was in the Peace Corps, and I volunteer for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society; but I always get much more out of volunteering than I put in, so I don’t consider that much of a contribution. I used to buy breakfast for a homeless guy who lived under the overpass near my house (until he stripped naked and laid himself out on the American flag — then we stopped seeing him around). But these little things add up and give me a sense that my life will matter, even if I don’t finish that novel.

I want to hear your stories. Tell me one thing you’ve done to help someone or some thing. If one of your accomplishments is a healthy family, please share.

The email was mostly an ad about their glorious brownies, cookies and cakes, with glowing testimonials by the scrumptious pictures. “Share Your Story!” they said. “Your feedback is our most powerful source of insight about how we’re doing. It is also our best reward!”

They asked me to submit an anecdote of why I love them for their blog. I declined — not because I don’t love them, but because there was nothing in it for me. (Keep reading this post… something in it for you at the bottom!)

I wanted a chance to win free brownies. Better yet, I wanted some free brownies! I wanted some incentive to spend my very precious time to help their marketing efforts.

Lately I’ve become very selfish with my time. When I first started working for myself as a professional writer, I spent lots and lots of time on things that didn’t move me forward. It has taken me a long time to realize how valuable each hour is — how much energy I spend with little 10-minute detours that don’t get me anywhere.

When you work for yourself, it’s easy to lose track of the value of time. After all, we can work on weekends. We don’t feel like someone’s taking advantage of us when we put in a 12-hour day. It’s all for our own benefit, right?

But very recently I did some math that scared me.

• Each day has 24 hours.
• I sleep about 8 hours a night. 16 hours left.
• I workout an average of an hour a day, give or take. 15 hours left.
• Showering, eating, milling about — that’s another 2 hours or so. Down to 13 hours.
• A little breathing time takes up probably 3 hours a day — TV, visiting with D.J., petting the cat. 11 hours.
• Answering email takes at least an hour, sometimes 2. It’s the little things that pile up. “Beth, what do you think of this idea?” “Beth, when can you meet for our next project?” All these notes require a few back-and-forth emails, and they all take time. Down to 8 hours.
• I need to bill at least 3-4 hours a day to make a living. That leaves about 4 hours.
• The 4 hours simply… go away. I Twitter them. I pop on to Facebook. I check our stock portfolio, a meager amount of investments that D.J. and I have fun watching. I’m embarrassed to admit I enjoy watching Yahoo! TV’s Primetime in No Time. It’s silly, but it makes me smile. And I check other stuff. And stand outside in the San Diego sunshine. And people call. And the cat sits on the keyboard. And the time just goes away.

I feel very sad that I don’t feel like I have the time to invest a few minutes for a company I admire. But doing so doesn’t move me forward, and I have to keep my priorities straight. My reaction (which was immediate and decided without hesistation) also gave me insight into my own dealings with people. What I offer has to be worth your time. What I write, what I do, what I give all need to be valuable to you.

On that note, did you sign up for my first-ever giveaway? Tell me your favorite free or low-cost tech tool for a chance to win a gift certificate from Amazon.com!