Originally posted July 13, 2011

Mother Nature had a bone to pick with the Midwest on Monday morning . I’m not sure who jerked her chain, but in response, she unleashed a furious fifteen minutes  of temper tantrum on the northern part of Illinois. Hurricane level winds, lightning and thunder left huge trees torn from the ground and tossed them all over roads, homes and cars like tiny twigs.  Power was out across the state and as of this writing, hundreds of thousands of people aren’t scheduled to get their power back until the end of the week.

Ice and candles are at a premium. There are long lines at fast-food drive-throughs. Food is rotting in over-heated refrigerators. Those of us who were lucky enough to get our power restored early  are running hotels for the stranded.

It hasn’t been fun, but it has been an adventure.

At least it was for me. The storm’s aftermath has brought back memories of camping in tents and surviving in the wilderness of our “family vacations.” I quickly formed a plan for how to make dinner in the backyard and how to maneuver the family through the challenge of no power.

It took my younger kids a little longer to warm up to the idea of living without electricity. They were used to the day-to-day reliance on computers and TV to guide them through their summer days.

“How did people ever doooooo this…” was the whine I heard for several hours on Monday. “This is barbaric….A person can’t function without power….There is nothing to doooooooooooooo…”

Why…yes, we actually can, and did, for several hundred years. Hard to imagine. But very, very true. The earliest homes with electricity were only at the turn of the 1900’s and some of the way out in the boonies farms and poor folk didn’t get on board until almost the 1950’s. We are barely scraping over a century of what was once considered to be a passing fancy of the very rich.

Yet, a week without electricity and it is almost a state disaster. And for the kids, a few hours is simply unthinkable.

It has gotten my brain to thinking.

The very first thing I did on Monday morning was to sit back quietly in the silence and absorb the peace and safety of us all being okay.  I let go of the panic that flooded my brain, shouting hysterically in my head that I wouldn’t be able to work, eat, function, talk to clients, or GOD  FORBID…GET ON FACEBOOK!!! …and I just took a few deep breaths.

Then, I took a few more.

Then as the shock of destruction began to subside, I gathered up my family, said a prayer of thanks  that we were all okay and comforted my trembling dogs.

It took about that long for the creative intuition to begin to stir and whisper survival tips inside my head. For every challenge that presented itself, my mind shifted from it’s normal response and created a new solution. As long as I could stay calm, open to new ideas and possibilities, I could imagine creative ideas and ways to solve the tricky hurdles that needed to be overcome.

“Where there is a will, there is a way.” I must have muttered the well-worn cliche to my kids several times that day. I said it because I believe with all my heart that it is the truth.

When we need a solution, the answer lies within us, if we are willing to get quiet, listen…and trust. Our intuition is always there, ready to help, ready to guide and lead the way.

I suspect our modern conveniences have allowed us to rely less on our own intuition and skill and  more on the mindless motions of our day-to-day tasks. Often, we don’t have to engage any thinking or intuition at all to get us through our day anymore.  Technology has filled in all of the gaps.

After Monday, I’m more aware of how much of a danger this can be. I am not going to tell you that I enjoyed or welcomed the disaster that happened to all of us Monday morning. Yet, there was something about having to be very present,very in the moment, using my intuition, problem-solving skills and creativity just to manage what would have been the normal day-to-day tasks that kept the day exhilarating, challenging and adventurous. We found creative ways to occupy time that otherwise would have been absorbed on the Net.

The girls even got out oil paints and painted beautiful paintings, experimenting with the medium for the first time ever. And I faced the challenge of making a family dinner without an indoor stove, get my work done, and manage a household of bored, internet-less children.

Easy-peasy.

But only after I took the time to get quiet and work out all the details in my mind first instead of panicking and complaining.  Only after I figured out how to harness my intuition instead of working against it…

I had to:

let go of my expectations and go with the flow of the day, leaving my controlling ego at the door.

allow my creative spirit to suggest new ways to get things done instead of relying on my daily routine.

 stay positive and grateful, focusing on what could work, instead of complaining about what didn’t.

trust in my first impressions and not second guess the instincts of my mind.

listen to my inner spirit and allow it to  guide me.

relax and get quiet, so that I could hear the wisdom of my spirit.

The lights came on at the end of a long and challenging day. A day I called the Pioneer Experiment, or-  getting back to basics. It was a good reminder. And I am grateful that for us, it was only one day and that we now have the resources to help out others in need. But the lesson of the day will last longer than 24 hours.

By being more present and listening to our inner spirit, we can find new, interesting and creative ways to do the same old day to day tasks of life, and perhaps even find some new and interesting things to add to our lives as well.

It’s good to shake things up every once in awhile. Don’t wait for a hurricane wind to do it for you. Give it a try for yourself.

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Everyone knows that if you really want your business (and life) to be happy, abundant and successful, that after all the mindset gurus have gotten done messing with your brainwaves, the thing that you have to do is take action. Get off your duff and get moving.

After all, there aren’t very many inspirational things that have ever happened from the sofa unless they were on the big screen in front of it.

So what a lot of folks do is they make a big list of ALL THE THINGS that need to get done to be happy, abundant and successful, they drink a tall glass of motivational juice, (they may even mainline it) and they GO.

ACTION TIME!

They look at their giant list, they start on the first one fast and furious, full speed ahead, all engines running, hit that first snag of ‘don’t know how to do this’ and oops… come crashing to a halt. All that actionable energy slams against the wall. Bam.

They tweak, hunt, get on social media, ask around, get several opinions, stall while deciding which advice to take, start to feel stressed, wonder if every single thing on that Action List is going to be like this and wonder why they ever thought they were cut out for this in the first place.

They hit overwhelm, sink in the ocean of small  and fear and never good enough, look at that long, long list that has started to look like a way too big mountain to climb and they…turn on the TV. Or take a nap, or phone a friend, open the fridge or… you know the drill.

You’ve been there. If you’re an entrepreneur or a creative, or a dreamer ,or a chronic planner,  you’ve been through this scenario at least once or twice. (or three or four or more, but we won’t tell.)

Is there another way? 

There is. And it’s a pretty simple one. But it flies in the face of popular advice so most people ignore it. You might also. You might read this and say… oh, well that’s just silly. Everyone knows you have to map out your business and have a plan.

But just listen for a second with an open mind.  Here it is:

Don’t…make…the…list.

There, I said it. Don’t make the ALL THE THINGS list in the first place. Because you know what? It’s a fake list. You won’t know what you need to put on that list until you get there. Life, family, work, business, creative endeavors, art…all of it, it’s a process, it’s a journey, it is a step by step adventure that requires taking one step, and then another, and then looking to see what has been revealed to you by the last step you took.

The list is a crutch. It’s a thing we all do to trick ourselves into feeling like we have control.

The truth is…we don’t.

Sorry, I know that nobody likes to hear that. I know that we love to keep that particular monster tucked away firmly in the closet with the door locked tight. But, we don’t have control of the next minute of our lives, let alone the next hour, day or year.

Does that mean never make long term goals?

Here is the thing. You can make a goal of living by the ocean someday. That’s great. And you may get there. Doing things a certain way, by taking small steps, every minute of every day with your small choices will greatly enhance the odds that you will get there. But here is a better plan.

Make a goal about what kind of person you want to be. Make a goal about what kind of integrity, priorities, family, friends, standards and love you want to have in your every moment of your life.

Then ask yourself this question.

Are my actions right now in line with my priorities and the way I want to live my life? If yes, proceed. If not, stop, and ask myself, what do I need to do differently right this teeny-tiny moment?

Then do that.

Right then.

Then ask the question again. And again, and again. Teeny tiny steps, over and over again. Wide-awake to living on purpose to your priorities, goals and integrity.

The you will always know you are taking the right action in the right moment.

Simple? Yes. Easy? Hell no. It takes a dedication, focus, and commitment that most of us find to be unsustainable. We mess it up all the time.

That’s okay. Don’t worry about it. When you find yourself off track, just stop. Ask the question again. Follow the answer. Sooner or later, you will be on track more than you are off track. Remember, it’s a journey. Just start asking the question, one teeny-tiny step at a time.

As a very small child, whenever I would get discouraged, I would plop myself down on the floor like a doll made of rags and let out a hopeless wail. “I Can’t…..” would be my pitiful cry. “I don’t know how, it’s too hard, I’m too tired.”

My mother would turn on a dime, narrow her dark Italian eyes, laser beam them into me and say in a voice as commanding as any Military General ever born, ” You CAN and you WILL. HOW does not matter. THAT  we can figure out. Now GET UP!”

Let me assure you, that  was the end of my temper tantrum.

Quitting has never been an option in our family of scrappy little fighters. Raised by my Mother, who raised three children on her own, she had learned to take surprises and situations and wrestle them into the life that she wanted for us. She expected to rise to challenges and goals and she expected no less from us. There were no acceptable excuses. She had an answer for everything.

Being tired? Everyone gets tired. So what, learn to rest, balance and push through.

Being scared doesn’t cut it. Only fools are stupid enough to not be scared.

Not having all the answers is not a reason not to start.  Only the truly stupid think they are wise, the wise know there is always more yet to learn.

In my mother’s world, If you want something you have to go for it. If it is right for you and the people you love, then there is no excuse for not doing it. You CAN and you WILL. And she does.

Then why is it not that simple for the rest of us? Not so black and white? The simple determination to march into battle for your noble cause day after day…why does it again and again reduce so many people to whining, sniveling, crying children?

It took me a long time to learn the third part of my mother’s power.  She had had it all along. It was a mysterious strength that gave her indomitable spirit. That kept her strong and unflinching when she left her secure job-the only thing that put food on the table for her and her three small children-and took her measly $3000 and invested every dime she had to start her own business. She could have FAILED. We could have lost everything. But she had one thing in her back pocket that was so powerful that it propelled her forward and would not let her down.

She had something that most people didn’t have.

She knew that the only way to get from a life that had a steady-but a measly paycheck where she had to work double shifts in a factory and leave her small children home alone was to take a chance. She knew that although the risk was great, that we wouldn’t have insurance at first, that we would have less money to begin with, that we would have no reliable income AT ALL to begin with, that she could make it on her own elbow grease. That something to look forward to with hope was better than a lifetime of looking at what she would have if she changed nothing.

I didn’t understand what that something was at such an early age. She was just my Mom. Maybe I thought that all moms were fierce warriors who went out each day to take on the world.

Later in life, I went into sales. Real Estate sales specifically, although I dabbled my way up to that in other types of sales jobs before that. Sales is HARD. Being rejected is hard. Initiating contacts, talking to strangers, making cold calls, learning contract negotiations, managing files, hand-holding nervous and temperamental clients is all hard and very stressful. The overwhelming majority of Real Estate agents quit within 3-6 months of getting their license. They say anyone can become a Realtor. It takes a good one to stay one. I decided to stack my odds. I hired the industry’s best Real Estate coach in the business to coach me and teach me the tools I needed to succeed. All that I learned in the six years of being one of the top agents in our company is more than a blog could hold.  But one of the major things that I paid good money to learn had been right there at home all my life.

CAN & WILL.

Beverly Buffini is the wife of Brian Buffini, Brian is the head of Buffini & Company, the coaching company I was just referring to. His wife, Beverly, worked and toured with him and spoke at the seminars. She was so inspiring that everywhere she went the crowd went nuts. Beverly grew up to be an All-American volleyball player at the University of Tennessee where she was inducted into the Tennessee Hall of Fame in the first class of women ever to achieve that honor. She went on to become a member of the US National Volleyball Team that participated in the 1988 Olympics in Seoul, Korea. At the time I heard her speak, she was using those same skills of discipline, determination, and focus to juggle raising six kids, writing books, and touring as a motivational speaker. Listening to her speak was one of my greatest inspired moments.

Beverly brought home for me the third part of the ingredients for success in her book, I CAN, I WILL, I BELIEVE. For each of the areas that she wrote about, and spoke about, Beverly outlined her viewpoints on the power behind each of those words. Summarizing, she wrote about:

CAN: to be able mentally or spiritually. She attributes the childhood story, The Little Engine That Could with the basis for CAN. Perhaps not too coincidentally, that story was one that my mom read to us almost every night. The basis of pushing away negative fears and focusing on the positive is the foundation for any dream to come true. In Beverly’s words, ” Particularly in my athletic endeavors, I learned to be patient, that success only comes when and if the I CAN attitude endures over time. Giving up was not an option when things got tough. I had to persist if I wanted to make my hopes and dreams a reality. With that mindset, I could achieve my specific goals.”

WILL: is the reinforcement of purpose, drive and discipline necessary to spring CAN into life. WILL is the Action word that makes it happen. In her book, Beverly spoke about the choices and priority shifting that it takes to keep the WILL going. She talked about sacrifice and risk. She states, “What was the principle lesson I learned from this? That in order to achieve and find fulfillment and enjoyment in achieving, I had to step beyond the familiar and accept personal risk. I learned that even condemnation or ridicule were possibilities if my choices did not coincide with someone else’s expectations.

BELIEVE: to take as true or real, to have confidence in something or someone; to have faith, especially religious faith (Webster). For some of us, myself included, Faith of a higher power would be moved up to the front of that definition, and for Beverly she says, “For me, I believe has a significance far beyond simply believing that I can and will do what I set out to do. I believe that we are inspired and helped by God and that we have a responsibility to do our best to live up to that inspiration. I also get a sense of being assisted and directed by a Force beyond myself, and I desire that feeling.”

I Can, I Will, I Believe. I came out of that motivational seminar on fire. I bought the book. Heck. I bought the T-shirt. Honest, I really did. It’s royal blue with big bold white letters going right across my chest and anytime I need a little extra power pumped in to my self esteem I put it on and strut around.  All because she made my mother’s CAN & WILL tangible.

They say you can’t be a prophet in your own backyard. I guess I had to go far away and pay good money to hear what Mom had been saying all along.  I had to hear it from someone else to understand that the secret ingredient that made my mother stand so hard and fast is her faith. Belief in a higher power (God), Belief that she is doing what is right for her family, belief that if you believe in it, work hard for it, visualize it then you CAN make it happen.

By the way, that’s a far cry from stick it on a poster board, stare at it every day and sit back and wait for it to arrive. That would never be my mother’s style. While those that wait-are busy waiting, my mother and her clan are busy taking action and doing the WILL part and BELIEVING that with those two together…..why yes…yes you CAN!

**This post was rewritten from an original post from 2008 and is just as relevant today as it was then. This post is dedicated to my amazing mother, Bobbie LaBelle, who in her mid-seventies is still making it happen! She is my inspiration! I love you Mom!

It’s the phrase: Failure to Launch.

It was a silly romantic comedy about a thirty-something guy who never left mommy and daddy’s house because he couldn’t commit to one woman because…well…one better just might come along. His parents finally hired a commitment coach to help “launch* him into adult life.

While none of my clients are discussing problems in their dating lives, (that’s not what I coach on) and (to the best of my knowledge) none of them live with their parents or have anyone conspiring to”launch” them anywhere…I see other similarities with clients and friends who struggle to take their ideas, dreams and hobbies and turn them into profitable, successful businesses.

Some of them have been trying for years. They even call their adventures “businesses.” Even though the difference between a hobby and a business is the ability to make an income, they go on year after year, thinking about deciding to do something instead of actually taking the steps to decide and taking the action steps to DO the business.

They want to.

They talk about it.

They dream about it.

They take classes for it.

They have mailing lists for it.

They go to seminars for it.

They build websites for it…that don’t go live.

They work hard…behind the scenes, building products and creating ideas that nobody ever sees.

They suffer from Failure to Launch.

They can’t pull the trigger and let their baby go.

These are wonderful people. Some of the nicest, most creative, amazing people I have ever met in my entire live. Who are they? They might be you. They might be me. They might have been all of us at one time or another.

In fact, I know I have been this person. Deb has been this person. We held our first book, Loyalties in our hands and stared and stared and examined and ordered copies and held our breath and sweat, and stared and ordered again and finally….finally…we had to take a deep breath and say…okay, it isn’t perfect, we know that, but we HAVE TO LAUNCH.

And we did. And it was scary.

But it was okay. And now that we have books five, six and seven in rewrites and edits and are starting on book eight, all that angst over holding on to one book seems so far away and silly that it is hard to remember. But, at the time, it felt like the scariest thing in the world.

So What Causes Failure To Launch?

There are more reasons for this than one article can tackle but we can address some of the top ones. Every single one of them can be summed up under the big umbrella of FEAR. But let’s take them one at a time:

Perfectionism . It’s not perfect yet.You live in fear of finding that one terrible mistake.  No, it isn’t perfect and here is the bad news: It never will be. When you find an error you can fix it and move on. There will always be mistakes, they are a part of life and an opportunity for growth and learning. Waiting for it to be perfect will keep you from launching permanently.

Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side . I just saw somebody else’s (fill in the blank ) that I like better, I’m thinking of starting over… This is one of the sneakiest forms of self-sabotage out there. There will always be something else out there to slow you down. At a certain point, design has to take a back seat to existing at all!

I Might Have A Better Idea Tomorrow  So, I should just wait and not doing anything with this one, just in case.  It is a guarantee that you will have a better idea tomorrow if you are a creative entrepreneur. That is the way we are created! We are designed to build on our last creations. But if you don’t jump in the game somewhere, you don’t ever get to play. Jump!

“They” Might Not Like It  So I should ask around and get about a million more opinions before I begin.  These mysteriously critical “They” people have been holding up progress for far too long. Who gave them all the power anyway?? The trick here is to figure out who your ideal client is, figure out what THEY need and want and create ONLY for them. When the mission is clear the path lights right up. The mysterious “They” don’t get a vote.

The Endless Well of Information I need to do more research. I might not have ALL the facts. Here is some possibly disturbing news. You never will have all the facts. Facts are changing every single day. You couldn’t possible keep up with every single bit of industry news no matter what your profession is. And here is the good news. You don’t have to. Even if you have a healthy smidgen of the facts in your trade, you are likely to be light years ahead of someone just starting out. Once again, jump in, and commit to keeping up as you go along.What you learned last month is already obsolete anyhow so stop wasting time!

Fear of Keeping up With Technology  I need to wait until next month when the new (fill in the blank)  comes out or I won’t be up to date. Bad news again. No matter what you buy, ten minutes later somebody else is going to come out with something new. This is an insidious procrastination device for not deciding to launch because you can never win this one. Sooner or later you are going to just have to decide and take your lumps with the rest of us. Unless you are willing to make ridiculous financial investments in technology you will always be one step behind.

The bottom line is there will always be a “good” reason not to start if you are looking for one. We are masters of Self-sabotage and delusion at keeping ourselves from following our dreams and our hearts desires. But sooner or later…if you want that hobby or dream or behind the scenes business to become a vibrant, money-making reality you have to do ONE THING FIRST.

You have to take action and LAUNCH.

You aren’t alone. Everyone has felt it at one time or another.

And it hurts like hell.

So how do you fix it?

One Sunday my husband John and I  performed a drama for our church. It was a portrayal of a husband and wife, sitting together, yet alone, on a sofa. He with the remote and the football game, her with her stack of glamour magazines and romance novels. Periodically, they would steal glances at each other when the other wasn’t looking. Boredom filled the room and the ache and longing for something different was heavy in the silence.   From overhead, through the speakers, the audience could hear each of their thoughts projected into the space while they sat there, too afraid to say what was really on their mind.

The title of the play was…I Wish We Could Talk.

He felt as if he couldn’t compete with her fantasy romance novel world and the perfect heroes inside. She feared she couldn’t transcend being buried in mommyland all day long to become a desirable wife. She felt unnoticed, unappreciated, unloved…He felt like she didn’t’t understand the pressure he was dealing with at work, he felt worthless, unsupported, uncared for.

Neither of them felt as if they were being listened to. Both of them desired someone to talk to. Both of them craved companionship. They longed to share their deepest fears, their deepest needs with someone…anyone…

And yet…there they sat…in silence…alone…together.

I think this may be the saddest play I have ever been in. The saddest because it ends with them just sitting there. Never speaking to each other. Making the choice to stay lonely. Making the choice not to speak the desires of their hearts. Not to reach out to each other and grab on to love, when it was right there next to them all the time.

How many times has this been you or me? How many times has the need for love been right there on the tip of your tongue and you have pushed it down, shoved it back into the corner of your heart, turned out the lights and sat in the dark alone when maybe, just maybe if you had taken the chance, reached out, spoken from the heart, someone might have listened, someone might have responded?

I know I have. I know there have been times I have bit my tongue and walked away, spent the night hashing over all the things I could of said in the repeat tape player in my mind.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

The truth is that we all feel inadequate, alone, unloved and not good enough at one time or another. There is no shame in being able to share these thoughts out loud once in awhile with a trusted friend. There is no shame in reaching out to our loved ones and taking that hand, holding on for support, being honest with our emotions, sharing from the depths of our hearts.

The truth is that this is what builds deep bonds. Honesty. Trust. Knowing we can depend on sharing our true feelings with each other and not be hurt. But you have to be willing to risk those emotions in order to get to those friendships. You have to take a chance. It’s a risk…yes…but one that can have an amazing pay off. There just might be that someone waiting to listen, waiting to share, waiting to give love.

Here are some truths to hang on to when it feels too scary to take a chance on love:

• Shame,guilt and fear have never made anyone happy.
• Holding back and not taking that chance on love is one hundred percent doomed to fail.
• Loneliness is often a choice of not taking action and chances. It is often not choosing to step over the fear. It is often choosing to hang on to shame, guilt and fear and they make lousy friends.
• Love is available to everyone. Everyone is lovable. No matter what the media tries to tell you, they lie. You ARE lovable. I promise.
• Speaking up with your truth, living your truth, and hanging out with others who share your truth is a pretty quick path to finding love.

Speak up. Love is waiting.

Wendi Kelly is a coach who helps her clients transform their  mindsets, strategies and  habits so they can go from confusion to clarity and fill their lives with love, joy and productivity. Need to get your mindsets clear so your life and business can get on track?  Contact Wendi and have a chat about how she can help you turn around your patterns and lifestyle once and for all!