Life to the Extreme

It's been a long day's week

2008-03-10T13:18:00.004-04:00

I loathe hormones. How much of this defiance and attitude is just plain adolescence, and how much is TR's illness??

We had another big blowup on Tuesday night. His screaming & yelling scared his sister so much. The way he treats us, his parents is abominable. Yet no amount of discipline works. Most people do not understand this. I guess it's to be expected as they don't have experience with it, but it still gets old, having people give us the 'Dr. Phil' advice of stripping his room down to a mattress... As if we haven't done it. When he gets in a mood, nothing phases him; you can't communicate with him.

He didn't speak to his Dad for 2 days, feeling like HE was wronged. Incredible. Sometimes I worry about his seemingly lack of empathy.

Irrational Fears

2008-02-18T12:07:00.003-05:00

In addition to my wild mood swings, I also deal with major anxiety (as do many sufferers of mental illness). I take medication for times when it really affects my life, but even medication can't completely cure the problem.

I was invited out to dinner by a close friend. A former coworker is going to be in town & it would be a great chance to catch up. Another former coworker decided to come, too. Awesome. Then the anxiety kicked in.

I don't like to drive. I fear driving at night. I get very stressed about driving to places I've never driven before. Well this dinner was going to be at a part of town I'd never driven to--at night(obviously). This started to freak me out so badly, I began to have a panic attack.

I wanted to go, and I didn't want to disappoint my good friend. Yet, I cannot get over this paralyzing fear. I did tell her, and she is so understanding, but I feel so silly about it.

Why must I be so sensitive?!

2008-01-30T17:13:00.000-05:00

I've been all excited about my new etsy shop. The thought that I could make a little extra money doing something I love. Crafting is great. My psychiatrist says it's important for me to have not only a creative outlet, but something to help with my esteem. Staying at home, while a hard job, brings no income & sometimes I feel as if I don't really 'earn my keep'.

So I sold my first product the other day. Awesome. I really hope my 1st customer likes it! So, I started thinking- 'wow, this little business really could be good!' then I get a conversation asking about doing a couple custom ones. Great! Fabulous! So We're chatting back & forth. She's asking me questions about it and telling me what she'd like & when she'd need them, and I'm answering every little question to the best of my ability. Some of the questions were kind of strange, though. Like I can understand wanting measurements, but she was asking about EVERY measurement. She was also a 'new' user. Signed up that day. So we ended that she'll finalize the order in the morning after she gets to work, because she & her friend that she work with were ordering them together. I told her I'd start the preliminary work, so it'd be ready to go ahead with detail work when she purchased. As I was working on them last night, I told my husband about the feeling I was having, but tried to tell myself I was just being paranoid.

Today I'm on the computer first thing. Checking my email & etsy back & forth. Nothing. The suspicion mounts. I finally accept the truth. She just wanted to pick my brain and have me tell her how I make them so she can just copy it. More power to her if she wants to take the time to make them herself. I think what's wrong is to mislead someone. I don't like having my hopes raised, my time wasted & my exact pattern taken. Have a little creativity and make your own design. It's not so original that you couldn't.

*sigh* Anyway, it just hurt my feelings. :(

Why can't they all just get along?

2008-01-21T13:27:00.000-05:00

Only a coincidence that it's MLK day. ThrillRider's been having probs with kids in the neighborhood again. It's so tough as a parent to watch your child be ostracized/ teased/ bullied. I know he creates some of the problems & conflicts. He has difficulty with social cues sometimes. He tends to be bossy & not take criticism well. I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier. We had snow this weekend. TR couldn't wait to go play in it. He went outside to find some of the neighborhood kids to play with, and did. He came home later all upset, disheveled & red from cold, yelling "They all ganged up on me!" He said they were having a snowball fight, when one of the kids shoved snow down his pants & jumped on top of him. Then (according to him) a couple of the kids started shoving his face in the snow and shoving snow down other pieces of his clothing. Well, it's not that I don't believe he was indeed attacked. I could see how wet, cold. and full of snow he was. I just don't know if he got too aggressive, and one of the kids bested him, or what. So he didn't get to go & play with the others any more. Today he went to see if another child down the street could play(one who wasn't there when the big snowball escapade happened). He came back about 15 minutes later, all red. wet & upset. He said one of the girls he's always had a probelm with was over there and started throwing ice at him, and that the 'friend' he went to see joined in and they were calling him names. *sigh* I wish I could know what happens, but I never will. All I know is it hurts to see him this way. I wonder if he'll ever have normal peer relationships.

knock on wood Everything's fine!

2008-01-09T09:07:00.000-05:00

I had been worried about TR's returning to school after winter break, because the hectic excitement usually causes a major manic trigger. It was this time last year that he had to be hospitalized, and I had to homeschool him for months while he stabilized on new medications.

So far, all is well. He has gotten ready in the mornings, no problem. He has come home in a good mood, and has even remembered some of his homework assignments!!! Getting ready for bed hasn't been too terrible, either.

I especially appreciate it since I and his little sis are so sick. I just don't have the energy to give him the extra attention right now.

Maybe his being grounded over the break made him realize he needs to shape up. I hope so.

Meanwhile, we had an IEP meeting at the school this week, and I feel that was pretty useless. Every time Rock & I tried to make a suggestion on how to handle Thrill's moods without escalating the situation, it seemed to be greeted with defensiveness from some of the teachers. "We're all trying to work with your son; he is a lot of work." I completely realize that, and have told them how much I appreciate it; we're simply trying to help make it easier for them. *sigh* It's hard to go from an elementary school that was so supportive and made every effort to keep us in the loop and help Tristan succeed to a school where he is just expected to suddenly 'grow up' and be responsible. If only it were that simple. What they need to realize is that good communication between us & the teachers is what will help make TR more accountable. If he knows I talk to the teachers & will find out if he didn't do his work that day, he is more likely to do it! Right now he knows the teachers only contact me sporadically (if that- and usually only after a big incident- that's when they tell me he hasn't been doing anything in class for weeks-'gee thanks!') and he uses it to his advantage. I cannot enforce what I do not know, and I'm sorry, but I have a little 2 year old, so I can't be down at the school every day to go around to all the teachers & check up on him. It only takes 3 minutes to send me an email to let me know how he did that day, or if there is a big project coming up that I should know about...

It's just frustrating. Thrill got In School Suspension a couple weeks before the break for talking back to a teacher (and kicking the wall), and the vice principle of his grade called me. She was telling me about the punishment (3 days of ISS) and said "We'd appreciate it if you'd back us up on this and take away priveleges at home..." She said it in such a way.. I was like "Excuse me? Can you repeat that??" So she did & said "ThrillRider has conveyed to teachers that he doesn't recieve any consequences at home, so we'd really appreciate it if you'd help out on this.." I just about choked! I thought to myself 'She must be getting him confused with another child...' TR thinks I'm about the meanest biatch on the planet & that his Dad & I ground him for looking at us wrong.. I stuttered something back to her conveying my disbelief and then she backtracked & said "oh well, you know, kids will tell us what they want us to think.... etc, etc." I was SO PISSED OFF! How dare you imply that I don't discipline my child! Oh that's right, you just think he has a behavior problem & if I ever punished him, he'd be all better. Grrr,, If that were the case, he'd be a model citizen. The problem is, you can punish him & it'll help for a while, but he forgets it soon & it has no lasting effects. So we have to punish him over and over for the same damn things.

Well, it felt good to vent about that. I should have right after it happened, but I was so mad, I was afraid I'd really write some mean stuff! For now, I'll just enjoy life while it's good. :)

2008-01-02T16:05:00.001-05:00

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Runnin' on empty!

2007-12-20T09:57:00.001-05:00

Princess woke up at 11:45 last night. Just about the time I started to fall to sleep. I waited for about 15 minutes, hoping she'd settle herself & go back to sleep. No such luck. I think she had a nightmare, because she refused to be put back in her crib! So basically I did not get any sleep till 4:30(on the sofa, mind you!). Of course she wakes up right at normal time- 7:30, bright eyed, & bushy tailed! Ugh. Lack of sleep + PMS= TNT. Hope I don't blow up at the first sign of attitude from ThrillRider today!

On a good note, though, TR remembered to bring home the criteria for his Science project yesterday (which was due the day before- we had a major argument about that one!) I was dreading it. TR can spend hours in front of pen & paper & claim that he can't think of a thing to write. He absolutely detests writing. His handwriting is atrocious & he just thinks it's about the worst thing in the world. So I decided, due to time constraints, to let him dictate to me, while I typed it for him. It was like I was sitting with a completely different child. The sentences just poured out of him. That kid knows more about Plate Tectonics than I ever could have imagined. He was supposed to use sources, but really didn't need any. So we just pulled up a couple websites to put in his bibliography. I don't think there was one grumble about the project at all. He finished it, and I think he may get a good grade on it, despite being late. I was so proud.

It just drives home the fact that he needs extra assistance. He should be able to take parts of tests orally (according to his IEP) and I think that'd be ideal for the essay portions. TR can't type yet (we tried this summer, but he just wasn't motivated to learn it), but I think once he does, he'll excel at 'writing' assignments. Rock installed a speech recognition software program into the laptop for TR to use, but it takes a lot of getting used to (besides the fact that the laptop is kaput & we can't use it..)

The family secret..

2007-12-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

(This blog posting was moved from my original blog)

I haven't really posted about the one thing that is so prevalent in my/ my family's life. Perhaps because it is so personal, so private, and so scary to many. It is Bipolar Disorder. Heck, it's scary to me- I live it everyday. I have Bipolar Disorder. That's not something I announce, it's not something I want to be categorized as. People judge- I can't blame them for things they don't know about or understand. Mental illness still carries such stigma with it. With Faith, family support and medication, I manage my disorder well, and have had no major episodes in the last couple of years. I still have bad days/weeks, but nothing frightening.

It is not my bipolar disorder that affects our family so much; it is my son's. ThrillRider was 7 when he was diagnosed with Early Onset Bipolar Disorder. Although a difficult diagnosis for children, it was much easier for psychiatrists to recognize as he has a family history. Kids with Bipolar are much different than adults. It's not just mood swings, (although they are definitely a factor) it is the rage, and helplessness(kids don't know what's going on with them), and stubbornness, and lack of memory and social skills that make it so different. Medication can help, but so many drugs have not been thoroughly tested for children. Add that to growing bodies,and hormones, and it's difficult to keep a good dosage for efficacy.

Every day is a struggle. The most mundane tasks can cause a blowup. Getting ready for school in the morning & getting ready for bed at night take at least an hour apiece. Homework is more often than not forgotten. Projects not finished, assignments refused. Yes, outright refused. Homework, when brought home, takes hours to complete. The lack of respect is appalling- to parents, teachers and anyone in positions of authority. Focus and memory can be at times nonexistent. It is so frustrating to see a child who is so bright and intelligent failing/almost failing classes because of missed assignments and a disregard of consequences. (You can see why communication with teachers is essential, and why I really feel the need to give gifts of appreciation to teachers who are tested daily on their patience- a few posts back)

Holiday season is especially rough. He & I both get hypomanic in the lead up to Christmas. After the big event, there is a letdown (I think that happens to the most sane of people) and depression sets in. Tristan was hospitalized last January. He had to be homeschooled for several months after. I fear this year may repeat last. I pray it won't.

Wow- that really helped to vent. I started this post crying, but I feel much more calm now. Perhaps it won't be a terrible day.