LifeTwo blogs

Book Review: How to Achieve a Heaven on Earth

RockyPetralia — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:32:07 +0000

Look past the title. This book isn’t a cosmological manifesto. Nor is it a roadmap to a celestial earth populated by winged angels, humble saints and endless pitchers of cold lager. Instead, editor John Wade II cracks open an intellectual piñata and shares 101 easy-to-digest ruminations on physical and spiritual progress, each offering a way for the reader to make the planet a better place. Wade includes a diversity of world views, sharing works by, among others, George W. Bush, Al Gore, Thomas Friedman, David Brooks and Chef Paul Prudhomme.

Wade groups the essays into ten categories, representing what he calls the ten elements necessary for achieving a heaven on earth:

1. Peace 2. Security 3. Freedom 4. Democracies 5. Prosperity 6. Spiritual Harmony 7. Racial Harmony 8. Ecological Harmony 9. Health 10. Moral Purpose and Meaning

Whereas Maslow outlined the steps to individual self-actualization, Wade seeks to define a path to society’s self-actualization. It’s a bold undertaking, especially given the challenge of melding so many different voices. There is the occasional feeling of a landscape painted with water colors, acrylics and oils. The mixing of mediums can intrude on the vision. In this case one wonders and hopes to see how effectively Wade synthesizes these ideas into his own treatise.

In the meantime, “How to Achieve a Heaven on Earth” merits praise for raising the question of how each of us can live purposefully. It’s one of those increasingly rare books that promotes introspection, and it’s the kind of book that you can gleam insight from whether you take it off of the shelf for a couple of minutes or a couple of hours.

Amazon Link: How to Achieve a Heaven on Earth

life beyond LA

rover77 — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 04:34:40 +0000

Tired,demoralized, breathless with the pace at times...can I do this ? alone...who am I kidding...and if I fall...who steps in for kids..her? no...have to come up with something better.Afraid that despite the fact that its been my watch...I've done it all...she just babysits on her w/e with kids...the system will remain biased cuz she's their mother ya know...WTF...I am being a single parent and will continue to do so...if she will just go away...thats all I want...I asked God for enough time to raise my youngest...other than that...

BloggingBoomers Carnival #153 is up at VaBoomer

Wesley — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 00:09:09 +0000

The latest and possibly greatest BloggingBoomers is now up at VaBoomer. Go there to see this week's collection of posts relevant to the second half of life.

another day in paradise

rover77 — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 02:19:38 +0000

In exile from house/kids until sunday...really sick of this charade.may push for trial ,get this over with,mee and kids paying the price,she is just inconvenienced

Dreams... Do you have one?

Deborah Hayes — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:35:18 +0000

One of the things that can be drummed out us as we age is our ability to dream. When we were younger they came so easily. Somewhere along the way this ability, those delicious ever changing desires, ambitions and dreams become so deeply buried we seem to be unable to find them. Where did they go? They are buried somewhere beneath a huge pile of that’s not the way it’s done, it won’t work, you’ll get hurt, you’ll be a failure, you’ll starve and I told you so until finally you simply stopped dreaming and became sensible. I am sure that each of us has a defining moment seared into our memory that illustrates the well intentioned conditioning to be sensible and conform.

For me it came in my senior year of high school. One of the courses I was taking was art. Every year at Christmas time, and back then it was simply called Christmas time, one of the annual projects was to draw and paint a Christmas theme on the window of a classroom door. We were instructed to look at Christmas cards for inspiration and find one that appealed to us to draw. I remember being very enthusiastic about this project and eager to make my window special. In fact it was my secret desire to make the best window of all. That’s right; my window would illicit awe in all those who passed it.

When the day came we were each assigned a window. We were to draw it in crayon first and once the teacher approved our draft we would complete it for our final grade. I had found what I considered to be a tender winter scene with a delicate reindeer standing in the snow beneath a barren tree gazing reflectively off to an unseen horizon. I was putting the final touches on my masterpiece when the teacher arrived to survey my work. To my surprise instead of the praise I was anticipating she took one look at the window and announced that a dead tree was not festive and she unceremoniously wiped my work away. She proceeded to draw three large Christmas balls on my window with a giant bow at the top and told me to paint it. I tried to explain that I intended to spray snow for the reindeer to stand in and all the other ideas I had for this window and how beautiful it was going to be but she merely scoffed and hurried away to the next students window. At first I was horrified then embarrassed and hurt and finally I became angry. I looked at the window and told her I would not paint it, this was her window and work and she should paint it. Long story short I landed in the principal’s office, my mother was called and a lengthy discussion ensued. I don’t remember all the details but I will never forget the feeling. This was art class and it was my belief that art was supposed to be unique. Art was about the artist’s vision. This was absolutely not my vision of the Christmas scene it was hers and I refused to paint it or yield; and neither did she. She was the teacher – I was the student and we were deadlocked. Although my mom was supportive, she tried to get me to paint the window and let it go. I needed the credit to graduate and my teacher assured us both, with the principal’s support, that she would flunk me if I did not paint the window. Without the credit I would not graduate with my class. The result; I was transferred to crafts class where I made a series of ceramic and melted plastic ashtrays which I still have to remind me of the day.

The bad news; I was never interested in art or drawing or painting again.

As I sat down to write this article I realized I hadn’t thought about this incident in a long time. One of the exercises in my coaching program is to write a vision of your life if anything were possible. It sounds like such a simple and easy project and yet it is so hard to get a genuine full blown dream out of someone! It is so hard to reach down beyond the years of conditioning and pull out the vision or passion you have for “something.” Every once in a while we see a glimpse of those who dare to dream, follow it and find the joy and success that life is really about. Like the gentleman with cerebral palsy who was told nothing could be done for his walk. He followed his passion to dance and found his walk improved in the process. Or the increasing number of people we hear about who pursue their forgotten goal of a degree and graduate from universities with their grandchildren. There are many stories and examples of people finding and pursuing their dreams at 50, 70, 80 years old and beyond who are enjoying the rewards of their success. Look for these stories instead of listening to that trained inner voice that says you can’t, you shouldn’t or you won’t. There are as many successes as there are failures. Those who succeed do not give up on their dream.

My advice:

Step out of the box! Go to the library or book store and find a book about odd ways to make a living. If you haven't been dreaming in a while some of the outlandish ideas in these books can certainly tickle your funny bone as well as spur some new ideas and encourage you to explore some new interests!

Dare to dust off a long forgotten dream or craft a new one. Dig out your childhood photo albums and you'll be surprised at the inspiration those memories can spark. You may not want to be a ballerina anymore but the memory of how dancing made you feel might trigger an interest in becoming an exercise, yoga or dance instructor. Or maybe your love of dogs will entice you to create a pet camp! Dogs deserve a vacation too you know!

Take a small risk each day, in doing so you will eventually build your confidence and find your dreams are not so farfetched after all.

Success is as varied as the number of people who achieve it. Your version of success is really all that counts. Sometimes doing what you really really love is worth more than money!

Recognize you have the huge advantage of experience, hindsight and wisdom. It’s a degree that can only be earned after many years of living.

Finally understand you have of the most important piece of secret information; time is precious. Don’t waste it!

And now I'd like to offer you instant access to a free 21-Day Attitude Adjustment e-course. when you visit http://www.womenintransitiononline.com. You will also receive my bi-monthly e-zine with motivational and positive mindset articles on how to discover and shape the life you love, NOW.

How the Jobless Era is Driving the Irritable Male Syndrome and Destroying Families: 5 Things You Must Do Now to Save Yourself

JedDiamond — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 22:48:35 +0000

Jed Diamond, Ph.D. has been a marriage and family counselor for the last 45 years. He is the author of 8 books, including Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Male Menopause, The Irritable Male Syndrome, and Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome (May, 2010). He offers counseling to men, women, and couples in his office in California or by phone with people throughout the U.S. and around the world. To receive a Free E-book on Men’s Health and a free subscription to Jed’s e-newsletter go to www.MenAlive.com. If you are looking for an expert counselor to help with relationship issues, write Jed@MenAlive.com.

We are told that we are finally moving toward economic recovery, that a “Great Depression” has been avoided. Yet, unemployment remains a fact of life and job security is a thing of the past. According to Don Peck, writing in March issue of The Atlantic, “The Great Recession may be over, but this era of high joblessness is probably just beginning. Before it ends, it will likely change the life course and character of a generation of young adults. It will leave an indelible imprint on many blue-collar men. It could cripple marriage as an institution in many communities. It may already be plunging many inner cities into a despair not seen for decades. Ultimately, it is likely to warp our politics, our culture, and the character of our society for years to come.”

I had read the statistics on job loss, but I had no idea how devastating it could actually be until I lost my job. It was a part-time job and one I had grown tired of having. I joked that it would be great if I were fired so that I could get out and move on. But when I was told on a Thursday afternoon, a day I still remember vividly 5 years later, that they no longer needed me, I couldn’t believe it. I did everything I could to change their mind, including hiring a lawyer to fight the termination.

Once I was gone, I fell into an agitated depression. I was angry one minute, depressed the next. I didn’t want to eat and when I did I stuffed myself with food. My wife, Carlin, tried to be understanding, but she grew tired of my moody silences and angry outbursts and gradually withdrew. I finally overcame my resistance to seeing a therapist and went back to a woman I had seen years before.

Even though I was a therapist and told clients that there was no stigma in reaching out for help when needed, I didn’t fully believe it myself. Deep down I still had the old beliefs about being a man: A man is not a man if he doesn’t have a job. A man always, always, finds a way to support his family--no matter what. Even after seeing a therapist, which was a life-saving decision, there were days that I was suicidal. I became obsessed at the injustice of losing my job and could understand those men who went “postal” and shot up their job site before killing themselves.

I gradually developed my private therapy practice to fill in the hours I had lost. Fortunately I was highly skilled, with years of experience, and I could heal the wounds from my job loss. But I wondered how others, less fortunate would deal with this kind of crisis. As a therapist specializing in men’s health issues I’ve had ample opportunity to learn as our broken economy continues to disgorge its victims.

Unemployment is a Reality for Millions

The unemployment rate hit 10 percent in October, 2009 and there are good reasons to believe that by 2011, 2012, even 2014, it will have declined only a little. But as Peck points out in his article, “All of these figures understate the magnitude of the jobs crisis. The broadest measure of unemployment and underemployment (which includes people who want to work but have stopped actively searching for a job, along with those who want full-time jobs but can find only part-time work) reached 17.4 percent in October, which appears to be the highest figure since the 1930s.”

There’s lots of talk about recovery and “green jobs,” but that could be more wishful thinking than reality. The New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, who fears a lost decade, said in a lecture at the London School of Economics last summer that he has “no idea” how the economy could quickly return to strong, sustainable growth. Mark Zandi, the chief economist at Moody’s Economy.com, told the Associated Press last fall, “I think the unemployment rate will be permanently higher, or at least higher for the foreseeable future. The collective psyche has changed as a result of what we’ve been through. And we’re going to be different as a result.”

Although the economic collapse hits everyone, it is often the men who are impacted the most directly and the women who become collateral damage as the men “act out” their frustration and rage. One recent survey showed that 44 percent of families had experienced a job loss, a reduction in hours, or a pay cut in the past year.

“There is unemployment, a brief and relatively routine transitional state that results from the rise and fall of companies in any economy, and there is unemployment—chronic, all-consuming,” says Peck. “The former is a necessary lubricant in any engine of economic growth. The latter is a pestilence that slowly eats away at people, families, and, if it spreads widely enough, the fabric of society. Indeed, history suggests that it is perhaps society’s most noxious ill.”

The worst effects of pervasive joblessness can take years, even decades, to incubate. They can erode our confidence, shake our stability, and cause millions of men to become chronically irritable, angry, and depressed. If it persists much longer, this era of high joblessness will likely change the life course and character of us all. “It will leave an indelible imprint on many blue-collar white men—and on white culture,” suggests Peck. “It could change the nature of modern marriage, and also cripple marriage as an institution in many communities. It may already be plunging many inner cities into a kind of despair and dysfunction not seen for decades. Ultimately, it is likely to warp our politics, our culture, and the character of our society for years.” Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS): The Dis-ease of Our Times

In my 2004 book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, I offered the following definition of IMS: A state of hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes, hormonal imbalances, stress, and loss of male identity.

For most men, our identity is inexorably tied in with our jobs. Without a job we have increasing difficulty feeling like real men. If we don’t feel real as a man, we live in a state of chronic tension and dis-ease. In her excellent book, Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Man, social scientist Susan Faludi described the impact of job loss on men.

One of the men Faludi interviewed for the book, Don Motta, could be speaking for millions of men in this country today who have been laid off, downsized, or part of a company that has gone under. “There is no way you can feel like a man. You can’t,” says Motta. “It’s the fact that I’m not capable of supporting my family…When you’ve been very successful buying a house, a car, and could pay for your daughter to go to college, though she didn’t want to, you have a sense of success and people see it. I haven’t been able to support my daughter. I haven’t been able to support my wife.

“I’ll be very frank with you,” he said slowly, placing every word down as if each were an increasingly heavy weight. “I…feel…I’ve…been…castrated.” Motta is clear about the connection between manhood, work, and sexuality. “A man who can’t work and support his family is a man without balls—not really a man at all.”

The Jobless Era May Last for Generations

One of the tenets of our modern industrial society has been that the economy is cyclic. There may be a few down years, but they will always be followed by an upswing. People may lose their jobs, but there will always be newer, better, more interesting jobs we can be trained to occupy. Although the growth of the economy may go through stagnant periods, it will always rebound. But what if the rules have changed? What if we are living in a period where the trend is downwards not upwards? What if employment as we know it were a thing of the past?

I believe that Richard Heinberg is one of the most consistently perceptive and optimistic social scientists in the world. I’ve followed his work for the last 25 years and he knows his stuff. In a March 3, 2010 article, Life After Growth: What If the Economy Doesn’t Recover, he makes the following observations:

“In late 2009 and early 2010, the economy showed some signs of renewed vigor. Understandably, everyone wants it to get "back to normal." But here's a disturbing thought: What if that is not possible? What if the goalposts have been moved, the rules rewritten, the game changed? What if the decades-long era of economic growth based on ever-increasing rates of resource extraction, manufacturing, and consumption is over, finished, and done? What if the economic conditions that all of us grew up expecting to continue practically forever were merely a blip on history's timeline?

“It's an uncomfortable idea, but one that cannot be ignored: The "normal" late-20th century economy of seemingly endless growth actually emerged from an aberrant set of conditions that cannot be perpetuated.

“That ‘normal’ is gone. One way or another, a ‘new normal’ will emerge to replace it. Can we build a different, more sustainable economy to replace the one now in tatters?

“Let's be clear: I believe we are in for some very hard times. The transitional period on our way toward a post-growth, equilibrium economy will prove to be the most challenging time any of us has ever lived through. Nevertheless, I am convinced that we can survive this collective journey, and that if we make sound choices as families and communities, life can actually be better for us in the decades ahead than it was during the heady days of seemingly endless economic expansion.”

Will Men Survive the Transition?

I’ve been a psychotherapist focused on men’s health since 1965. One of my colleagues, Dr. Herb Goldberg, author of the 1976 best-seller, The Hazards of Being Male said, “The American man, an endangered species? Absolutely! The male has paid a heavy price for his masculine ‘privilege’ and power. He is out of touch with his emotions and his body. He is playing by the rules of the male game plan and with lemming-like purpose he is destroying himself—emotionally, psychologically, and physically.”

When I first starting talking about male vulnerability, most people didn’t take me seriously. In 1965 or even 1976, the idea of men as an endangered species seemed a long way from our consciousness. But times have changed and our awareness has been awakened. Recently, the prestigious British Journal of Medicine published an editorial written by Siegfried Meryn, M.D. titled “The future of men and their health: Are men in danger of extinction?”

“Although there is still a long way to go in most societies around the world, it is clear that women can perform (and on most occasions outperform) pretty much all the tasks traditionally reserved for men,” says Dr. Meryn in his editorial. “In most of the developed world women are starting to outnumber men in medical schools and making rapid gains in terms of equality in compensation and opportunities in the workforce. With the advent of sperm banks, in vitro fertilization, sex sorting techniques, sperm independent fertilization of eggs with somatic cells, human cloning, and same sex marriages, it is also reasonable to wonder about the future role of men in society.”

Men and the Family in a Jobless Age

In The Unemployed Man and His Family, Mirra Komarovsky vividly describes how joblessness strained—and in many cases fundamentally altered—family relationships in the 1930s. During 1935 and 1936, Komarovsky and her research team interviewed the members of 59 white middle-class families in which the husband and father had been out of work for at least a year. Her research revealed deep psychological wounds. “It is awful to be old and discarded at 40,” said one father. “A man is not a man without work.” Another said plainly, “During the depression I lost something. Maybe you call it self-respect, but in losing it I also lost the respect of my children, and I am afraid I am losing my wife.” Noted one woman of her husband, “I still love him, but he doesn’t seem as ‘big’ a man.”

Children described their father as “mean,” “nasty,” or “bossy,” and didn’t want to bring friends around, for fear of what he might say. “There was less physical violence towards the wife than towards the child,” Komarovsky wrote. In my own work with men and their families, I’ve found that men become increasingly irritable, angry, and withdrawn. Some turn to alcohol or drugs. Other’s spend endless hours on their computers. The impact of joblessness can wreck families.

Andrew Oswald, an economist at the University of Warwick, in the U.K., and a pioneer in the field of happiness studies, says no other circumstance produces a larger decline in mental health and well-being than being involuntarily out of work for six months or more. It is the worst thing that can happen, he says, equivalent to the death of a spouse, and “a kind of bereavement” in its own right. Only a small fraction of the decline can be tied directly to losing a paycheck, Oswald says; most of it appears to be the result of a tarnished identity and a loss of self-worth. Unemployment leaves psychological scars that remain even after work is found again, and, because the happiness of husbands and the happiness of wives are usually closely related, the misery spreads throughout the home.

I’ve found that middle-aged men are often the most hard it. They have long been accustomed to the routine and support of the office or factory. When they lose their jobs, they not only lose their support systems, but they lose faith in themselves. This loss was perhaps captured best by American playwright Eugene O’Neil in his play Long Day's Journey into Night. The play was autobiographical and although it was completed in 1940, it wasn’t produced until 1956, three years after his death. The play itself captured the desperation felt by many men caught in the depression. The following lines from the play speak to the internal devastation so many men faced then and still face today:

“It was a great mistake my being born a man. I would have been much more successful as a sea gull or a fish. As it is, I will always be a stranger who never feels at home, who does not really want and is not really wanted, who can never belong, who must always be a little in love with death.”

How Can Men Choose Life in a World Without Work?

We may be going through the most difficult transition that humans have ever experienced on earth. These are strong words, I know. But the truth is that we have been living out an addictive fantasy for some time and we must change if we are going to survive. We can not continue to have a growing economy, one that takes more and more of the earth’s resources and turns them into garbage. We have to live more sustainably if we are going to live at all.

Daniel Quinn, the visionary author of Ishmael said, “The problem is that man's conquest of the world has itself devastated the world. And in spite of all the mastery we've attained, we don't have enough mastery to stop devastating the world, or to repair the devastation we've already wrought." He reminds us that if humans are going to be around in 10, 20, or 100 years, we will need to change our ways. It is often the ones who are most devastated by the present who lead the way to the future. Here are 5 things that men can do now.

1. Accept that this is the end of an era.

Despite what many will tell us, the economy as we know it is never going to recover. The sooner we face that fact, the better. Here’s how Heinberg puts it: “We have reached the end of economic growth as we have known it.” The "growth" we are talking about consists of the expansion of the overall size of the economy (with more people being served and more money changing hands) and of the quantities of energy and material goods flowing through it. The economic crisis that began in 2008 was both foreseeable and inevitable, and that it marks a permanent, fundamental break from past decades—a period in which economists adopted the unrealistic view that perpetual economic growth is necessary and also possible to achieve.

When I work with alcoholics and drug addicts in recovery, the first step is to acknowledge powerlessness. It’s paradoxical, but we gain power the more we accept the things we cannot change. One of those things is that the world of employment we have known is over. When we accept that fact, rather than fighting it, we can move on.

2. Define “being a man” in new ways.

If we continue to define our manhood based on our ability to work in the old economy, we set ourselves up for failure. It would be like holding on to the horse as a symbol of manly transportation. “Real men ride horses. Choosing any other way to get around means you’re not a man.”

In the new era, manhood will be defined less on what we do than by who we are. Are we kind, compassionate, understanding, supportive? We’ll have to learn to take on qualities that have been traditionally more associated with women. For some men, they’d rather die than do that. Others will find it a relief to let go of the old macho constraints and learn to live in new ways.

3. Learn that feelings are manly.

Most of us have grown up believing that real men stuff their feelings. We were told that real men don’t cry. Real men don’t complain. Real men aren’t afraid. The only feelings we grew up being allowed were anger and lust. We would spend endless hours talking about who we were pissed at and who we wanted to have sex with.

But men experience a whole symphony of feelings, but have only learned to play two notes. Here’s a list of a few feelings. Which ones do you express openly and often? Which ones would you like to learn to express more fully?

Understanding, playful, calm, afraid, worried, hurt, courageous, delighted, overjoyed, festive, affectionate, tender, guilty, considerate, enthusiastic, ashamed, secure, optimistic, brave, liberated, thrilled, gleeful, and ecstatic. 4. Help others. Find the path with a heart.

It’s easy to sit around a feel sorry for ourselves. Yes, we were promised a better life and yes, we feel entitled to more. But, let’s face it, the party’s over. We’re not the only ones who are hurting. Believe me, there are many others out there who are suffering. No matter what your situation, there is a lot you can do to help.

We have longed based our identity on material success. But the era of earning more money to buy more “stuff” is over. We don’t have to have stuff in order to be a success. Some of the best people who have ever lived shared their gifts with others and had little material wealth to show for it. Mahatma Gandhi died possessing only a pair of sandals, a robe, a staff, a spinning wheel, his spectacles, and a prayer book. Yet, he helped millions. Mozart was buried in an unmarked pauper’s grave. His music has touched the hearts of the world.

Confucius was a failure as a bread-winner and was dependent on his small band of disciples for his sustenance. His philosophy has lasted thousands of years.

Rembrandt ended his life in austerity, as did Beethoven, Bach, and Van Gogh. Jesus died leaving only a robe for which the Roman soldiers cast lots. This is a great time to be alive. The economy may be going under, but there’s still a lot that needs to be done. Find someone you can help. Find something you can do. Opportunities surround us. “Wherever a man turns he can find someone who needs him,” said Albert Schweitzer.

5. Join a men’s group.

Throughout human history men have congregated in support groups. It was recognized and understood that men needed time to be with other men, just as women needed to be with women. Women still spend time with their sisters, but men have lost connection with brotherly love.

I have been in a men’s group that has been meeting regularly since 1979. We came together as a way to support each other through the changes we were experiencing in life. We’ve stayed together because we’ve come to love each other and depend upon each other for mutual support.

We just returned from a four day extended weekend at a ranch in Arizona. As usual, we ate well, went on long walks together, caught up on our lives, and just shared the pleasure of being men and being alive. Here’s something I wrote to the 6 other guys in the group at a time I was facing a life-threatening operation and wasn’t sure about my future: “I’m thinking of you all with love and affection, a sly smile, and a deep sense of gratitude for all you have meant to me. You are my brothers, my friends, my teachers, my playmates. I honor you and us and our group. I love you.” Ultimately it all gets back to love. As author Sam Keen says: “The radical vision of the future rests on the belief that the logic that determines either our survival or our destruction is simple:

1. The new human vocation is to heal the earth. 2. We can only heal what we love. 3. We can only love what we know. 4. We can only know what we touch.

If this article has touched you, I look forward to hearing from you. I can be reached through my website at www.MenAlive.com

BloggingBoomers Carnival #152 is at Midlife Crisis Queen

Wesley — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:41:48 +0000

This week's scheduled host for the BloggingBoomers disappeared without notice but fortunately blogger Midlife Crisis Queen stepped in and organized 10 interesting posts on surviving and thriving in midlife. Check out the link for an interesting multi-voice exploration of middle age.

What Do Procrastination, Snow White and Perceived Obsolescence Have in Common?

Deborah Hayes — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 00:36:16 +0000

OK. You’ve taken the time to examine your life as it is today and discovered the small hidden joy within; the want not should of what you really want to do!

Exciting isn’t it? But after following all the steps and making a plan you still find yourself procrastinating and several of the important steps you planned somehow keep slipping to the bottom of the list. Why oh why can’t you make yourself do them? What keeps stopping you?

As I pondered this question and searched for an answer a light bulb went off when my beautiful little granddaughter and I were indulging in her latest passion ; stepping out in her Snow White Princess costume.

These days when I visit Kenzi she excitedly dawns her costume, approvingly gazes in the mirror at the results and we set out on our adventure. This ritual typically occurs at the 5:00 pm hour as we walk around the block and pass a house where a group of ladies sit on the porch each night and visit. My daughter and I call them “the happy hour ladies” but Kenzi simply refers to them as “the ladies.” She takes absolute delight in walking past this house to show off her costume. We never stop, it is just a wave and to hear the guaranteed chorus of “Oh isn’t she adorable” from them and we continue our journey. Each time she walks confidently in front of the house, smiles and proudly says “hi” and waves her little hand at them as we pass.

Her latest addition to the costume is a headband with long blonde fake hair attached to it. I know, I know, Snow White does not have long blonde hair but that’s part of the beauty of this story. Now it’s evolved into what more she can add to make this character her own version of the beautiful princess; fabulous, right?

As an obsessive and adoring grandmother I anticipate with dread what I know is coming; that first time when she leaves the cocoon of being surrounded by acceptance and applauded for her individuality and is criticized for her originality. That first spirit crushing time when she is told by those she likes and wants acceptance from that she looks silly in her costume or that she doesn’t have the right shoes or jeans or shirt or opinion. Ever notice that this criticism usually comes from one who is afraid to be different?

Where does this come from? How does it grow to be so big permeating our lives even as adults? I have always thought it was simply brainwashing until I stumbled upon the enlightening video, The Story of Stuff by Annie Leonard. I never realized this constant pressure to conform was actually planned. If you haven’t seen this you should watch it, if you have seen it, watch it again. It is loaded with intriguing food for thought but what struck me most was the term “perceived obsolescence” and the author’s reference to the nations declining level of happiness when this was introduced and encouraged as a means of spurring the economy after WWII. (Sounds like a Si- Fi movie doesn’t it?)

What is perceived obsolescence? The short answer according to Annie is the constant changing of the way stuff looks in order to convince us to throw away perfectly good stuff and buy new stuff. How do “they” do that? I think there is a part of us that knows. Of course it’s everywhere but the biggest contributor is television and advertising. What we may not realize is the huge and increasing number of these messages that we expose ourselves to on a daily basis.

So how might we stop this?

To start with turn off the television; that incredible powerful negative feed that is loaded with tactics and messages to make you dissatisfied with what you have, where you live, what you wear and who you are so that you will purchase their latest magic solution to make you right again. Is it any wonder there are so many who cannot seem to figure out what it is that will make them happy and when they do; why they are afraid to pursue it if it doesn’t fit any of the latest stereotypes?

Secondly, stop comparing. One of the main inferences in these messages is to compare yourself or what you have with the latest version of ideal. Comparing yourself, ideas or goals to others only makes you feel insecure, stifles your creativity and lowers your self esteem. Don’t listen! Always remember there is no one else like you; you are unique and that makes you very special.

One of the advantages of being of a certain age is the benefit of hindsight and knowing the many regrets of following the group advice without ever wondering , considering or questioning where it came from and whether it is right for you. When you do find your dream; don’t let anyone change it. Cherish it, nurture it and rediscover that precious powerful unaffected childhood delight of growing it your way.

It’s the journey! Follow your dreams and success will be the likely destination.

And now I'd like to offer you instant access to a free 21-Day Attitude Adjustment e-course when you visit http://www.womenintransitiononline.com. You will also receive my bi-monthly e-zine with motivational and positive mindset articles on how to discover and shape the life you love, NOW.

7 Sure-Fire Ways to Prevent an Affair

JedDiamond — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:44:42 +0000

As a marriage and family counselor I am always dealing with issues of sexuality, infidelity, and betrayal as well as intimacy, honesty, courage, and integrity. A rash of recent public scandals – from Tiger Woods to David Letterman, from Sen. John Ensign to Gov. Mark Sanford, to the suspected shenanigans of Jon Gosselin of reality TV's Jon and Kate – might make it seem that sexual infidelity is sweeping the land. Many of my clients want to know how to prevent an affair. Here’s what I tell them.

1. Renew Your Vows Every 7 Years.

There’s a joke I heard that could even be true. A man and a woman have been married for 57 years and their friends and family are throwing a party for them to celebrate so many years of love. After the party the woman says to the man, “It was a wonderful gathering and I’m so glad all our family and friends could get together to celebrate with us.

“But I have a question that has been bothering me for years. Why don’t you ever tell me you love me?”

The man looks at his wife of 57 years with surprise. “Why I did tell you I loved you the day we got married. If I should change my mind, I’ll let you know.”

Too many people assume their relationship will just coast along once it gets started. Well, it won’t. My wife and I have been married 31 years. It is the third marriage for both of us. Every 7 years, we renew our vows and recommit to our marriage. And we tell each other often, “I love you.”

2. Don’t Let Nature Take Its Course.

Many people assume that if two people love each other and trust each other they don’t have to worry about affairs. Nothing could be further from the truth. Biologically speaking we come together in order to create children who we can raise until they are of an age where they can have their own children.

Through most of human history, when we reached the age of 40 or so, our children were grown and on their own and we enjoyed the last few years of our lives and then quickly died. Now that we’re living through our 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, and more and more of us into our 100s, we need to rethink marriage.

Nature is through with us a lot sooner than we’re ready to check out. We have to continue to renew our vows to ourselves, to stay committed to life, even though nature may be pulling us to the great beyond.

3. Our Biology Wants Older Men To Cheat On Their Wives.

Think of the world through the eyes of your genes. Their goal is to get themselves passed on. The only way they can do that is to get another human to have sex with the body that houses those genes and hope a baby is created. It is a biological reality that women reach an age when they can no longer reproduce. We call it menopause. Men reach an age when their hormones begin to drop and they become more and more irritable and antsy. We call it “male menopause.”

However, for men, we can still have babies later in life. But only with a woman who is young enough to conceive. So our biology pulls men away from their mid-life wives into the arms of someone younger and more reproductively capable.

When he says, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you” what he really means is that “I don’t feel that crazy, biological lust that makes me want to have you on the dining room table.” So what’s to do? You must talk about this reality. Confront the issue head on and learn that there is more to life than sex.

4. Learn Why Sex is Not the Answer to the Brain’s Big Question.

According to author Mark Brady, there’s one big question that all brains want answered, and they want it answered, “Yes.” Parent’s brains, children’s brains, all brains. And they don’t want a lukewarm “Yes,” or a “Maybe Yes” or a “Getting-to-Yes Yes.” They want a substantial, resounding, unequivocal, “YES!” Yes.

Brady says that the brain’s big question is “Are You There For Me?” He tell us that our children’s brains (and our own as well!) are continually asking this basic question, whether we’re aware of it or not. The question takes many forms in children’s brains and resulting behavior, of course: Do I matter enough that you’ll put me first when I need you to – ahead of your job, ahead of your friends, even sometimes ahead of yourself? Can I count on you to attend to me in the ways I need you to? Do I truly and deeply matter to you? These questions are being asked – nonverbally through behavior often – and when they get answered “Yes,” our children can relax and begin to feel safe, just as we are often able to do in our own intimate and business relationships.

The self-preservation structures of the brain continually monitor our environment and the people in it for safety. Our survival depends upon it. We generally love the people we feel the safest being around, and the emotional responsiveness often identified as love arises out of this safe “felt sense.” Canadian psychologist, Susan Johnson thinks about it this way: “These safe bonds reflect deep primal survival needs for secure, intimate connection to irreplaceable others. These needs go with us from the cradle to the grave.”

And this is a key issue. We have these needs for care and support throughout our lives. In fact, as we get older and we experience the inevitable losses of health and well-being, we need this support even more. Want to prevent an affair? Be there, really be there for your partner.

5. Quit Demeaning Men.

At the height of the “women’s movement” there was a joke circulating around, attributed to Gloria Steinem. “A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle.” The sentiment may have been that women need to learn to stand on their own feet and take care of themselves. They have to stop making their identity dependent on having a man in their lives.

But the impact on men was devastating. If I am as irrelevant to my woman as a bicycle is to a fish, then why stay? Most men have a strong desire to protect and serve a woman. However, if we are not needed or wanted, or if our offers of support are seen as a big joke, well…”screw you” we say to ourselves. Our shame and rage get expressed in our cheating.

Few women consciously shame or demean the men in their lives. I’ve found that this most often happens when women are afraid. It’s a vicious cycle. If a woman feels that she can’t trust the man to be there for her, she distances herself a little bit. The man, feeling her distance, becomes irritable and angry. The woman, feeling the brunt of his anger, becomes even more afraid that he’ll leave. The result is that we create the very thing we are most afraid of.

Women are constantly telling me that they want their man to open up to her, to share his true feelings. However, what I’ve found (and many men have told me), when we do open up and share our feelings, the woman often rejects us. Usually when they say they want to know how we feel, they mean “I want you to shower me with love and affection.” When they hear how angry, hurt, and frightened we are, they often run and hide.

Mark Brady had a professor in graduate school, a wise woman who understood these things. She told the women in her class, “Ladies,” she said, “if you want your partners to be emotionally available to you, you can’t cut their balls off every time they show some vulnerability.”

6. Get Thee to a Men’s Group.

Tomorrow I fly to Arizona to meet with my men’s group. We’ve been meeting together for 31 years—7 guys who are committed to supporting each other through life. We came together at a men’s conference in April, 1979 and have been together ever since.

We used to meet every week for a three hour session. But over the years some of us moved away from the place in Marin County, California where the group had formed. Rather than stop the group, we decided to meet less often, but for a longer period. We’ll fly in on Wednesday morning and stay until Sunday.

What will we talk about? What will we do? Well, I can’t say. Not because it’s a big secret, but because I won’t know until we get there. What I can say is that it will be real. It will be loving. We trust each other enough to let our feelings out—the good, the bad, and the ugly. But most of all we are there for each other.

I believe that few long term relationships can survive unless men get away together. If you don’t have men who are there for you and who you can be there for, you will have a difficult time being there for women. You will always be hungry, always be needy, always be restless, always be looking for someone or something to fill the void you feel inside.

7. Grow Up Guys. The World Needs You.

When I see men like Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, and all the other cheaters, I see wounded, immature men. They may be the famous ones we hear about, but there are millions of other men just like them. I know, I used to be one myself. I wrote a whole book about it: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions.

I applaud Tiger Wood’s willingness to get himself into treatment, even if he waited until he was forced to do so by his wife. When we become seriously disconnected from our own courageous souls, we need a kick in the butt from someone who cares, who is truly there for us, to get us back on track.

Listen guys, we can’t keep acting out our wounds by escaping from our pain into the arms of a woman. And we can’t keep waiting for women who hold us accountable for our actions. We need to deal with our woundedness before the roof falls in on us.

And if you haven’t noticed, the roof is caving in. The old systems are falling apart every where we look. Our economic system is about to collapse. The headlines in today’s paper asks, Has the Golden State Gone Bankrupt? We are destroying the environment and poisoning our life-support system with greenhouse gases.

We need men of courage, men of commitment, men of honor to stand with women of like heart and mind to lead the way if we are going to survive as a species. Sure, we all have fantasies about getting “a little extra on the side.” But grow up guys. There are more important things we have to do. The world needs us. Our wives need us. Our children and grandchildren need us.

I’ll enjoy your comments. You can also contact me at Jed@MenAlive.com. Or visit me at www.MenAlive.com.

Why Are You Doing This to Me?

hlesbrown — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 16:34:21 +0000

That is the cry of the "innocent victim" . . . most often followed by, "After all I've done for you!" Does this sound at all familiar? You generally can hear this coming out of your mouth after someone has dropped a 'but bomb' on you. Seldom can you see a 'but bomb' coming; but when it hits, it sounds like this: You yell it at your spouse when s/he says: "I still love you BUT I'm not in love with you anymore." You yell it at your boss when s/he says: "You've been a great asset to the company BUT your position has been eliminated." Or, you yell it at God when your doctor syas: "It's probably nothing BUT I'd like to see you in my office right away for more tests."

"Why are you doing this to me" emerges as the heart-rending cry of a woman or man who's just had the stilts knocked out from under him or her and it's the lament of the person suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of injustice. We have heard this lament (or similar cries) for as long as we humans have been encountering adversity. Here's a passage from the prophet Isaiah (6:11-12):

Then I said, “Lord, how long?” And He answered,“Until cities are devastated and without inhabitant,Houses are without peopleAnd the land is utterly desolate, The LORD has removed men far away,And the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land."

We might consider this age-old lament — first thought and then spoken — to be the "opening theme," so to speak, for the entrance into the midlife transition. "Why are you doing this to me?" is the sound an adult makes when her or his world has been upended. To understand this, we need to remember the characteristics of adulthood. Once we have become an adult, we assume our independence and personal authority. Not only are we emancipated from parental controls, we also emerge from parental protection. The burden of providing for our own security is transferred onto our own shoulders and, to a great extent, we are judged (and we judge ourselves) on how successfully we're able to provide for ourselves (and, eventually, for our families).

Adulthood provides us with some preliminary answers to life's greatest questions: Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I capable? Am I lovable? Am I respectable? Am I honorable? Am I the woman or man whom my parents, my spouse, my children, my community can be proud of? Do I measure up to expectations? Adulthood defines success as receiving a resounding "Yes!" to all of these questions. For the adult, even kindness and generosity will be motivated and judged by what we imagine others are expecting of us, which, unsurprisingly, is most often identical to what we are expecting of ourselves. This is how the adult defines self-esteem, and this is precisely why, when one of those 'but bombs' hits an adult, it can be so devastating. "Why are you doing this to me?" means, in effect, "Why are you deliberately sabotaging everything that I've been trying to accomplish?"

Welcome to the midlife transition! Here's your opportunity to leave the misconceptions of adulthood behind, and to step out into the clear light of maturity. All of the misconceptions of adulthood — that your value as a person is based on how well you perform and how effective you are at achieving a reasonable level of security — are based on one fundamentally flawed concept: that it's all about you. How successful you are at making the midlife transition depends almost entirely on how effective you are at ridding yourself of that one erroneous concept. No, it's not all about you, and it never was. 'Success' can never be achieved through living up to anyone's expectations . . . even God's!*

So long as we're stuck in the 'me-centered' universe of adulthood, challenges and adversity will continue to appear to us to be focused on us (because that's where our unconscious focus lies, and that's the perspective from which we view everything that happens around us). As I mentioned before, "Why are you doing this to me?" is the cry of the 'innocent victim.' You may, possibly, be 'innocent' (although in the majority of cases, you have very probably been guilty at least of neglect and/or misprioritization), but you are not a victim. Keep this in mind: nobody can make you a victim without your permission. Victimhood represents the childish 'it's all about me' attitude taken to its logical conclusion: I'm the cause of everything that happens.

What if you're not all that important? What if it's not "all about you"? What if the challenges that you're facing in life (including all the 'but bombs') are simply examples of the collateral damage that occurs naturally as the universe struggles to sort itself out in its evolution? There's the paradigm shift — the evolution in perspective — that differentiates mere 'adults' from those who are spiritually mature: stuff happens. Very often you may become implicated in that stuff that happens, and you have to deal with it, even though it's not about you. The longer you live, the more stuff you'll encounter: you're going to lose every job you hold; every relationship that you value is going to break up; your health will be compromised; you will die. Nobody — God included — is 'doing this stuff to you.' It's just life, and, with birth, you've bought your ticket and you're on the ride.

Once you've attained this shift in perspective that so characterizes the midlife transformation, your whole approach to life and love will change. You will no longer be so preoccupied with your acquisitions and your accomplishments, and you will increasingly dedicate yourself to discovering and carrying out with integrity the purpose for which you've been given this amazing gift of life. Happily, the mature woman or man realizes that his or her life's 'purpose' is always evolving, always 'in process' and, therefore, always in constant need of rediscovery, reinterpretation and redefinition. Regardless of the challenges you may face, you can receive each one as it really is: just another opportunity to grow, to evolve, and to deepen your connection with and reliance on the Ground of your being, that Power greater than yourself, the One who sent you here.

God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life.May I do Thy will always.Amen.

______

"God's expectations" of us refers, of course, to our understanding of those expectations. God's real expectations of us only reveal themselves gradually over time. Much of what we think are God's expectations are merely our assumptions based on what we've been taught or projections of our expectations of ourselves.

BloggingBoomers Carnival #151 is Right Here at LifeTwo

Wesley — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 15:04:31 +0000

This week's BloggingBoomers arrives back here at LifeTwo.com. Each week a group of roughly a dozen bloggers who focus on various aspects of life above forty come together with their top blog post of the week. They are summarized in one post and then linked back to the originating blog. With no further adieu:

The Boomer Chronicles writes about the 10 geekiest ways to hide your age.

This week, Ann over at Contemporary Retirement has been running a series of posts entitled, 'What type of retiree will you be?'. This is the first post in the series, which contains links to all the rest.

Janet at Gen Plus brings you a slew of info that can help you get into a better financial position & tools to stay safe from scammer predators.

Clogs – Channel and Louis Vuitton say they’re in this spring, Does this mean they’ll look chic on boomer women? Find out if clogs are truly hot or not, according to the Glam Gals, at Fabulous after 40.

She's been teasing us lately with hints about her upcoming 4-month backpacking trip through Mexico, Central and South America, but now Barbara Weibel of Hole In The Donut Travels has hit the road and revealed where the journey will take her

When you're thinking about career change, doesn't it make sense to have a talk with those who do what you're thinking about doing? The Midlife Crisis Queen did and can highly recommend this process!

In the past, notes SoBabyBoomer: Life Tips, Baby Boomers kept office romance secret amid fears of career damage or reprisal but today office romance is coming out of the closet.

401K, IRA, how much thought have you given to your beneficiaries? It’s All About Aging looks at how to choose a beneficiary, and it’s a lot more complicated than you might think.

Vaboomer.comvolunteers at Homeless Shelter & finds warmth, not despair.

When attending a conference you don't want it to be a few days off work. You want to get some real value. Andrea Stenberg at The Baby Boomer Entrepreneur shares 6 Ways to Get the Most Out of Attending a Conference.

Not to be left out, LifeTwo asks "What are the best retirement movies of all time?" See how the Wall Street Journal answered this question.

12 Tips on How To Stay Happy from Sonja Lyubomirsky

Wesley — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:26 +0000

Useful checklist on how to become and stay happy from author Sonja Lyubomirsky:

1. Count your blessings. Express gratitude for what you have both privately and to others.

2. Cultivate optimism. Practice seeing the bright side of everything.

3. Avoid over-thinking and social comparison. Don't dwell on problems.

4. Practice kindness. Do good things for others.

5. Nurture relationships. Invest time and energy in a relationship that needs strengthening.

6. Do more activities. Increase the experiences that you completely lose yourself.

7. Replay and savor life's joys. Pay attention to life's momentary pleasures.

8. Commit to your goals. Pick one or more significant goals and pursue them.

9. Develop coping strategies. Practice healthy ways to manage stress and hardships.

10. Forgive. Let go of anger and resentment.

11. Practice spirituality. Get involved with your church, temple or mosque.

12. Take care of your body. Exercise, meditate and laugh.

Amazon link: The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want

10 Best Retirement Films of All Time

Wesley — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 21:18:19 +0000

The Wall Street Journal just published their Best Retirement Films of All Time". What do you think of the list?

"About Schmidt" (2000)

"Cocoon" (1985)

"Going in Style" (1979)

"Harry and Tonto" (1974)

"High Noon" (1952)

"Lost in America" (1985)

"The Lion in Winter" (1968)

"On Golden Pond" (1981)

"The Straight Story" (1999)

"Unforgiven" (1992)

BloggingBoomers Carnival #150 is up at It's All About Aging

Wesley — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 23:14:47 +0000

This week's edition of BloggingBoomers is up at the blog It's All About Aging. Head over there to see a collection of this week's best posts about surviving middle age.

Reinventing Yourself (or, Learning How to Fly)

hlesbrown — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:06:48 +0000

If you haven't yet noticed my attraction to silly things, let me now bring it to your attention. I discovered a long time ago that, very often, silly things contain far more wisdom than sensible things. It's one of the great ironies of our universe. Take, for example, that incredibly silly series of books by Douglas Adams that goes by the title The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. There's enough silliness (and, consequently, wisdom) in those pages to last a person the better part of a lifetime. Take, for example, the excerpt from the Guide that appears in the third book of the trilogy (Life, The Universe, and Everything) under the heading "RECREATIONAL IMPOSSIBILITIES." According to Adams, the Guide says this about flying: "There is an art, . . . or, rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."* Of course, Adams (quoting the Guide) goes on to explain more about how throwing yourself at the ground is easy, but knowing exactly how one needs to go about missing the ground can be a little tricky. But I won't pursue that, because it has nothing whatever to do with the reason I've brought it up at all. Besides, what on earth does this have to do with midlife or a spiritual crisis? What's so extremely valuable about this somewhat unusual approach to flying is that it's so silly that it's incredibly insightful. Once again, our whole approach to something like flying is defined and pretty much wholly decided by the bucket of assumptions that we bring to it. That's why I need to tell you that the decision that you (and many other people) may have made to reinvent yourself at midlife is exactly like the decision to learn to fly: until you empty your bucket of assumptions, you'll keep falling flat on your face. Sound familiar? You throw yourself at the ground, but you keep not missing! You'll need to follow me closely now: this silliness is going somewhere . . .

You may still think that, when circumstances change drastically (like they do at midlife), reinventing yourself would seem to be a very wise thing to do. I say 'seem to be' because that's all based on your set of assumptions. You assume that it's possible to 'reinvent' yourself, and you further assume that you know how to do it. Interestingly enough, it isn't, and you don't. You are the product of the sum total of your genetic makeup plus your defining experiences as determined by a lifetime of choices you made either in response to changes in your environment or in an effort to change your environment. Your life is a continuum. You may change your mind; you may change your direction; but, you're not going to 'reinvent' the person that you've become anymore than you can 'reinvent' your genetic code.

Now that you're beginning to see the problem (and being sensible isn't working all that well), it's time to bring on the silliness! Instead of focusing more of your time and energy on an impossibility that won't work, why not throw out your assumptions entirely, and re-define the problem into one that will work? Specifically, in the same way as Douglas Adams redefined the problem with light from one of how to leave the ground to one of how to avoid hitting it. So, perhaps the spiritual answer to the midlife crisis is less about reinventing yourself in response to the world, and more about reinventing the world that you're an integral part of. Let me just say that reinventing your world is a whole lot easier than missing the ground, once you've thrown yourself at it.

Where to start? Traditional Chinese medicine teaches that one should begin treating a problem in as remote a spot from the problem as possible. We can do the same, and, since the 'problem' is you, we'll start as far removed from you as we can: with your job or career. Rather than start with the question, "How can I become a raging success in my chosen field?" you can start by telling yourself: "This is not a dress rehearsal. This is the only life I've got. What do I want to do with it . . . rather, what do I need to do with it?" At midlife, it's time to take true ownership of your life. You're not being controlled by your parents, your upbringing, your religion, your politics, or anything else outside of yourself. At midlife, it's time to stop making excuses for why you aren't the person you'd really like to be, and start doing something about it.

This is called 'goal setting' and I assume that, over the years, you've already heard a lot about it. If you've not only heard of goal-setting, but listened to what people have been telling you, then you have a very clear, distinct, and detailed vision of the life that you want to live, and you've banished the words "I should" "I've got to" "I have to" "I need to" from your vocabulary, and you've replaced them all with "I want to." You've also succeeded in replacing the phony buck-passing phrase "I can't" with the true self-aligned one: "I won't." Finally, you already know whether or not your current job or career is healthy and serves to promote your life vision, or it's unhealthy and keeping you stuck and away from becoming the person you truly desire to be and, right now, you're implementing a plan to change it.

German existentialist philosopher Martin Heidegger defined human life as "being-in-the-world with others." At midlife, perhaps more than at any other time, we have the opportunity to experience what he meant. 'Others' are not optional equipment to make use of for our own purposes. Once again, with all our relationships, spirituality challenges us to empty out our assumptions about who these people are, why they're in our lives, and what purpose they may serve for us.

The people with whom you share an intimacy are a constitutive part of what life means for you. Whether or not you have an explicit relationship with another, you can't just throw any of them away (no matter how tempting it may be). Each one you encounter is essential to your own human existence — not only because you rely on them for what they can provide for you or do for you — because each person you meet has something essential to tell you about who you are. This is even more true when your encounters gain intimacy. Dating, they say, is your opportunity to learn about yourself. A relationship is a 24/7 date. By reinventing how you look at the people in your life (from seeing them as obstacles or benefits to you, to seeing them as the only mirrors you have that show you who you really are), you suddenly no longer want them to change. You need them to stay as they are, because only then do you recognize that what you dislike most about anything you see in them is only your own reflection.

Finally, and most importantly — the most intimate relationship you have — your relationship with yourself. Here's where the spiritual 'rubber meets the road.' For most people, adolescence and adulthood are both characterized by the assuming and shouldering of responsibilities as they go about the work of self-actualization. The focus is generally on creating a safe and secure life for 'me and mine.' It's a period of acquisition and immersion into the struggle to hold on to what they've got, even as 'what they've got' grows and the struggle intensifies.

Regardless of the cause, at midlife, the curtain gets pulled back only to reveal the emptiness and purposelessness of a life lived for acquisition and self-aggrandizement. Whoever dies with the most toys wins . . . the booby prize. In whatever form it takes — physical, mental, emotional, spiritual or economic — life's vagaries always intrude on the neat little plans you and I may have been making only to show us the vanity of the exclusive pursuit of health, wealth, safety and security. If youth and adulthood are all about acquisition, then midlife and maturity are all about letting go, and that's a much more difficult lesson to learn. The meaning of your life can never be defined by your career, your relationships, or your accomplishments. Instead, on a spiritual level, the meaning of life comes from the courage you can muster to face your challenges relying not on anything external, but solely on the strength that comes from your connection to a Power greater than yourself to get you through.

The universe provides each of us with a series of life lessons. Regardless of what they may look like on the surface, they all teach only one thing: whatever it is that you choose to rely on that is not God, will be taken away. At midlife, the training wheels come off and the props are knocked away. You are left standing there with only your acceptance of life on life's terms and your trust in God to support and guide you. If youth is the age for heroics, then midlife is the age for courage, since by now, experience has taught you what it feels like to play hard at the game of life and to lose. The trick is to stay engaged no matter what else happens.

Those who, at midlife, try to reinvent themselves will undoubtedly experience frustration and futility. "No matter where you go," they say, "there you are." But those who, instead, work at reinventing their world will experience a life they could only have imagined. The lessons of life are unrelenting. If you choose to avoid failure at all cost, it will surely cost you dear and all to no avail. It's all so very silly. Learning how to live with spiritual courage is a lot like learning how to fly: it's so simple! All you really need to do is to throw yourself at failure . . . and miss!

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC

Blog: http://www.MidlifeMaster.net
e-Zine: http://www.SpiritinCrisis.net
Subscribe: http://www.SpiritinCrisis.net/Subscribe

______

*Douglas Adams, The More than Complete Hitchhiker's Guide, Longmeadow Press, Connecticut, 1991, page 363.