My feet have never found a solid patch of ground to settle on; my head is always wandering off, chasing flashes of thoughts and hopes and wishes like butterflies or bubbles. Fleeting things of beauty that are usually impossible to catch, or worse, suffer at the touch of human fingertips.

But every now and then a tide of practicalism washes over my brain and I’m struck down from my comfortable cloud of flitting distraction by stark waves of sorrow and self doubt. This morning, after discovering a financial error that either CB or myself made (probably me, although I don’t recall doing it), that icy grey practicality swept me out to sea once more.

Before I moved into CB’s life his financial situation was more stable. He didn’t have to pay for the needs of two adults and two pets. He didn’t have the emotional needs of a partner distracting him from his doctoral work. He didn’t have a dependant that was so freaking dependant. He had the opportunity to travel more, to work on building his house.
And me? I was finally on a track in Pittsburgh. I had a job I loved and a career I was finally happy in. I was on my way to becoming a teacher – a job I never thought I’d want, but life can surprise you like that. I rarely, if ever, pull the “I gave up everything for you” card on CB, but I have to admit that I often pull it on myself. I know I made a choice two years ago when CB and I finally met. I chose to put everything else in my life on hold in exchange for love.

I chose the unknown over stability…because I’m a daydreamer. My life is a patchwork of my dream driven decisions, and I suppose I’ve led a life less usual than some due to this fact.

But this morning was, I think, the only time that my struggle over what I left behind spilled over and bled onto the territory of how my decision has negatively affected CB’s life as well and I was consumed by the fear that things should be better and they just aren’t because we were too hasty, too driven by our emotions to see the complete insanity of me moving to Belgium.

And while I was choking on the swirls of practicality, drowning in my doubt and fear, I felt strong, warm arms wrap around me and hold me tight. I heard a familiar voice chiding me for “thinking toilet paper roll thoughts” about our relationship. The rock, the pinnacle of pragmatic was reminding me how much we loved each other. How the time we’ve spent together so far was so much better because we were actually together for it.

And now? Now I’m sprawled out on the shore, letting the sun and the hours warm me back up again so that I can climb back up on my cloud.
There are butterflies and bubbles that need chasing.

Beyond tacky, isn’t it?

Your typical summer afternoon on the Graslei

They definitely know their ambiance around these parts

I like the lines in this shot…it’s all just very…well…linear

Horse and buggy rides – there is a surprising lack of equine doody on the streets this year

Summer even brings beauty to the Dampoort railroad tracks

Amai is the equivalent of “oh my” in English, but also a common Yiddish phrase, “oy vey”. I’m typically an “oy vey”er, so much so that I’ve turned gentile friends into users of the phrase. I was sincerely surprised that the Dutch word came into my head before the Yiddish or even the English.

Perhaps some of you out there have had this sort of experience before. I asked CB about it but he’s been speaking English so long that I don’t think he recalls the early stages of becoming fluent. See, lately I’ve been having moments where I can’t think of some words in English, but I can think of the equivalent in Dutch. Or I often start thinking half and half, with some words coming out in English, and some in Dutch. I imagine this is because I’ve made it a habit when I’m alone (which is often) to try to translate my thoughts as I’m thinking them into Dutch. It usually works something like this:

Me, thinking to myself: Ugh, I’m thirsty and I’m out of water. I wonder if there’s a shop nearby so I can buy another bottle of water…
Then I propose the question to myself in Dutch, in case I would want to ask someone: Excuseer meneer/ mevrouw, is er een winkel in de buurt? Ik wil een flesje water kopen.

And most of my thinking goes along those lines. I’m constantly trying to think of how I would say what I’m thinking in Dutch. Most of the time I can think of how to say things, but when I can’t I try to remember what words I was lacking or what expression I didn’t know so that I can ask CB about it later. But the end result is that I often mix both languages when I think to myself. And actually, when we get together with CB’s family it comes in handy because half of his relatives will speak in Dutch, the others in English, or they’ll throw in a Dutch word if they don’t know the English or an English word if I don’t know the Dutch, so much of my conversation with others is often mixed as well.

This isn’t a bad thing, by any means. In fact, I find it encouraging that the lines between the languages are blurring more noticeably for me. Lately I’ve even noticed that when someone tells me something in Dutch, when I try to recall it, I hear them speaking in English. It’s strange, because I know for sure I was spoken to in Dutch, but I recollect it very clearly in English. It’s an interesting process, this whole learning another language thing.

I wonder when I’ll be ready for French…

Well, I still have to lose 60 pounds before the wedding so I’ve been calorie counting and eating healthy again (I make exceptions on weekends…I started having dreams about chocolate fudge ice cream cake and waking up drooling so I figured I better give myself a break one or two days of the week). Breakfast has been consisting of cream of wheat with a tablespoon of jam or maple syrup (the real, fresh, Canadian kind…which we’re running out of quickly….waaah) but I’ll tell you, when I wake up and it’s already close to 80° in the house (we have no AC), the last thing I want to eat is hot cereal.

Hence my epiphany today while cycling past the supermarket: I’ll buy a box of Special K! Then I can still have a healthy, whole grain breakfast without raising the temperature in the room a degree or two. So I went and grabbed a box and glanced at the calories. Hrm…30 grams was a serving and a serving is 115 calories. Okay, well I use 35 grams of cream of wheat (that’s dry, pre-milk) and I’m always full, so 30 grams of Special K can’t be much different, right?

Until I got home and weighed out 30 grams of cereal.

Well, shit! No wonder people lose weight on the Special K diet…they only get 6 mouthfuls of cereal for the first two meals of the day. I mean, come on! I’m making sure that I only eat between 1200-1300 calories a day but to do that I need to feel full after breakfast and there’s no way that’s gonna happen with this cereal. Tomorrow I’m going back to the supermarket and buying a box of All Bran…sure it tastes like lightly sweetened wood chips, but at least it’s a decent amount of lightly sweetened woodchips!

What is your favorite Dutch word and why?…My first one was “Nachtwinkel” which used to crack me up for some reason.
I’m not sure if I have a favorite word in Dutch. I kind of like the word “waterzooi” I guess. I have to say though, the word I’ll always remember in Dutch is “ongeloofelijk” because it’s the first Dutch word I learned all by myself. From a Pizza Hut commercial actually.

What’s your favorite topping on frietjes?…Mine used to be “Samurai” (before I went vegan).
Hrm, I’d have to say garlic sauce or tartar sauce.  Vol au vent is good too, but I don’t like how it makes the fries mushy towards the end.

The three kiss thing when greeting people: Do you love it or find it invasive and tedious? (Personally I found it charming until I had to kiss everyone like a million times at my wedding).
Crap, I totally didn’t even think about the fact that I’ll have to do this at our reception here. I’ve never seen it as charming…I find it more than tedious if the group I’m greeting is larger than 2 people. I really felt uncomfoartable doing the kiss thing when I first moved here. I enjoy my personal space. I’m not a hugger at all. In fact, there are pictures of me throughout my childhood where you can see me clenching my fists (unconsciously) while I’m being hugged. So kissing was very difficult to get used to and I still feel awkward doing it if I’m meeting a group of people who are more or less strangers.

So, there you have it! Mind you, I’m always open to questions if you have any, so feel free to ask away at any time. Oh and here’s a quick list of terms:
nachtwinkel – night shop
waterzooi – a thin stew made with chicken or fish, vegetables and cream (Gent’s specialty)
ongeloofelijk – unbelievable
frietjes – fries (which are not, nor have they ever been French, fyi)
samurai sauce – a spicy sauce made from sambal and mayonnaise

Are there any things (food, tools, magazines, etc.) from the States that you absolutely have to have? If so, how do you go about getting them?

And seriously, there really aren’t that many things that I haven’t learned to live without.  I’ve never “cheated” and used American rulers or measuring cups or scales here. I’ve gotten used to knowing about what temperature it is outside or what to set the oven to if I want to bake certain things. I can convert kilometers to miles, grams to ounces or pounds to kilos relatively quickly in my head and if I can’t I just write it down and convert it later. And while I can list a ton of things, especially foods and beverages that I miss, I don’t absolutely have to have them. You’d be amazed how much you can appreciate a gourmet hamburger or a bowl of chili or a peanut butter sandwich when you only get to have it once a year.

There are two, possibly three things that I do have to have from the US, however, and there really is no super easy way of getting it. First, and I’ve mentioned this one before, is my chewing gum. I MUST have my 5 chewing gum from Wrigley’s. I will chew no other gum, especially not the nasty, eucalyptus or menthol flavored, little hard bits they sell here. My mother is kind enough to ship me several packs of gum every couple months, cause I’ve never seen it in Belgium.
Second is shoes. I like shoes with thick, wide rubber soles and lots of support. The shoes here are crap, in my opinion. They’re over priced, fall apart fairly quickly, and usually have very narrow, very thin soles. I bought a pair of shoes here in Gent last year and they were awful. My feet hurt constantly and the soles started coming off within 3 months of buying them. Overpriced, evil foot manglers, those were. So my solution thus far is simply to buy a couple pairs of shoes while in the States. The ones I have now will definitely last me until October, when I visit for a friend’s wedding, and the ones I buy in October should get me through till next May when we’re there for the wedding.
The possible third is a hair stylist. I am very picky about who cuts my hair, only because I’ve had several haircuts that end up in me having a giant fro where my only option is to pull my hair back, lest the monster on my head begin devouring small mammals. The woman who cuts my hair is a friend of the family (my mom’s best friends daughter) and is the only person I know who cuts and layers my hair so that I can wear it down and not look like a big angry poodle. Unfortunately I can’t have my mom ship her here every few months and I’ve been dealing with a haircut once a year for the past two years when I go to the US, but my hair grows fast and I end up going through a lot of conditioner and shampoo because of it. So, I might suck it up and look for someone to cut my hair at the end of the summer. I just have no idea how to find someone good.

But other than that, I really can’t think of anything that I direly need that I can’t find here or compensate for with something else.

Except my family, of course, but I don’t think they’re quite ready to move to Gent.

Yet.

These aren’t exactly the winners of the week, so much as the winners of the day. They’re pictures we took today when we went to try the food at Hof ten bosse, the Belgian wedding reception venue. CB and I both really love the place and the way it combines modern with rustic to create a really unique, cottage-chic atmosphere. So cool.

Reception hall/ Dance floor

Not quite sure what it is but it’s kind of steam punk meets Little Women, no?

This is the coffee buffet. The actual coffee is off to the left in a big urn but see that bowl? Homemade whipped cream. Swoon!

Nekked baby violinist – every wedding has to have one

This is the sort of thing that I really love about this place. It has so much character. Some of the corners of this place are like visiting an old homestead in the countryside.

CB saw Rex make a mad dash into the bathroom last night and this is why

Felix was a little camera shy but Rex didn’t even see me

What things do you really love about living in Belgium?  How have you changed?  And if/when you move back to the states, what aspects of Belgian life will you take back and continue with you?

Hrm, ok. What things do I really love about living in Belgium.

• I love the ease of transportation- At first, having driven my own car everywhere from the time I was 16, I was more than wary of taking public transportation. The buses in Pittsburgh aren’t always clean or safe or on time and there is no metro system like in NYC or D.C. or Toronto. So I can’t say I was thrilled at having to take buses, trams and trains to get around. But now? I think it’s fantastic! Depending on the time of day it can get crowded, of course, but the trams and trains especially are a great way to avoid traffic and get to your destination quickly. The buses are usually very reliable and you can go practically anywhere using any combination of buses, trams and trains. Gent doesn’t have a metro, but after taking the one on Brussels on Monday, I was equally as happy with that form too.
• I love the appreciation for food – Belgium is Burgundian and there is value here in the quality and presentation of food. Cheeses, wines, beers, apperetiefs…these are all things I used to see as snooty (except for the beer…that I used to see as sort of low class till I moved here and Belgian beer made me snooty) but now I see them as a part of a nice meal. I have rarely had poorly cooked or low quality food when eating in a Belgian establishment (pita, kebap and late night fry shacks don’t count).
• I love the appreciation of culture and art – It’s relatively easy to find cheap or free art exhibits, at least in Flanders. Right here in Gent we have a museum of modern art (SMAK), a museum of classical art, a museum of “folk art” (het Huis van Alijn), the Vooruit which often hosts small bands or plays, a little museum with random art in the Patershol, the castle museum, and the Gentse Feesten (in July). There are often random sculptures,pieces of art or outdoor exhibits as well.
• I love the “oldness” – I love the twisty, turny cobbled streets and crooked stone trapgevels. I love the open markets in the squares of the towns and the golden dragon on top of the Belfort. I love the secret cloisters and hidden courtyards and quiet forgotten corners covered in moss and crawling with history.
• I LOVE the Kerstmarkt!! - Maybe I love this cause it’s such a new and novel thing to me, but I doubt it because I always loved Christmas time back home too (until they started marketting for it right after Halloween). I love the glühwein and hot chocolate and lights and warm little huts all lit up and full of different wares. It almost strikes me as Dickensian, though I couldn’t tell you why exactly. But I can’t wait for Christmas time this year (we may go to Cologne to see the biggest Kerstmarkt in the world this year).

How have I changed? Well, there’s that whole partially fluent in Dutch thing…and I actually enjoy riding a bike now. I do miss my car when it’s pouring rain or when we need some large groceries that can’t be carried by bike, but for the most part I really enjoy walking or biking for most of my transportation. I’m also much more careful with money, but I think that’s more from being unemployed than being in Belgium. I’m learning not to take certain things for granted. For example, I used to hate it when I’d go to a fast food place or a 7-11 and the person working there spoke really bad English. Now I think back and envy that person because they were able to get a job, even with shaky English. It’s a lot harder to do here. People really want excellent Dutch…or they want you to be an enthusiastic and super thorough cleaner, which I learned the hard way.  Not that I think anyone should half-ass it on learning the language of the country they are in, but I guess I never realized how many of my skills and interests were language based until I moved here.

If/when we move back to the States, what aspects will I take with me. Definitely I’d like to continue to bike and minimize using the car as much as possible. I used to think I’d want to live in the suburbs but I’d like to keep the closeness to town that we have here so that we could be waking distance from shopping and parks and the library. I’d also like to continue the environmentally friendly things we do here like compost and reuse shopping bags and use energy saving light bulbs and water saving toilets. And Dutch, of course. CB and I plan on speaking some Dutch at home if we move to the U.S. so that I don’t forget it and so that our kids can talk with all of their relatives in Belgium.  Sadly, most of the aspects I would want to take back with me are simply bound culturally to Europe and so we can’t bring them with us, but I guess we’ll do our best when/if the time ever comes.

I think I’ve covered this before but I was raised in a Jewish household by two Jewish parents. I went to Sunday school for ten years, Hebrew school for five years and I was bat-mitzvahed and confirmed and in a Jewish youth group for a year.
For the record, I do not believe in a god or multiple gods. Deities hold no value for me, but I still consider myself Jewish in culture and heredity.  Ironically, about ten years back, I held a firm belief that Judaism was a religion and not a culture. After all, people can convert to Judaism or choose to switch up their religious beliefs and worship Christ, Allah, or The Green Man. You can’t convert to a culture. I can’t say some prayers, take a bath in a holy tub and become Latino or Thai or Swedish. So you see, the idea of Judaism being a culture just didn’t mesh with me.

But as I became more and more solidly confident in my belief in no god (read that I stopped pussy footing with agnosticism and settled into atheism) I also found that I was unable to separate myself from the aspects of Judaism that were part of my identity. I enjoy the Jewish holidays because they’re unique and usually teach some sort of lesson, or they commemorate some interesting and ancient custom. I love spending the time with my family, I love the artwork in mezuzahs and Seder plates and kiddish cups. I love the look of the Hebrew language because it’s different and unique and goes thousands and thousands of years back into history. And I identify very strongly with the Jewish appreciation for the ancient and for preserving history. I love the stories behind Purim, Channukah and Passover and the traditions involved in Sukkot and TuBeshvat. There are life lessons to be learned in all of those stories and they are lessons that can still be taught and appreciated without using god as the driving force.

When I left America I thought I’d be leaving my association with Judaism behind. I mean, I’m living in Flanders for goodness sakes. The Jewish population anywhere but Brussels and Antwerp is almost non-existent. It’s like being in elementary school all over again, having to explain to people what Rosh Hashana is about, or Channukah even. And sadly, the outspoken Jewish community in Belgium is the Orthodox community in Antwerp. I’ve spoken to some Jewish women there who tell me that in Antwerp there is no such thing a conservative or reform Jew. You’re Orthodox or you’re out. It’s a piss poor attitude to have and it reflects poorly on the Jewish community here. It also doesn’t help that the Orthodox Jews in Antwerp are often associated with Vlaams Belang, the poorly veiled rascist(currently they are anti-Muslim)/sexist party here in Flanders. And on top of that, last year the Antwerp Orthodox community began crying “antisemitism” at every tiny little thing they could. It is very unsavory and I choose not to associate with it. It also makes me sad because this is the example of Judaism that gentiles get from the media here. That and the injustice going on in the Middle East.

As an American Jew I was raised with some biased perceptions of Zionism and what exactly it is all about. Growing up I always learned that all of the countries surrounding Israel hated them for being Jewish and wanted to blow the country up, except for Jerusalem, which they wanted for themselves. I was taught that Israel was the Jewish homeland and a place given to us after the Holocaust so that any Jewish person could go there and be safe from persecution (when I was 7 the irony of escaping persecution by moving to a country that was constantly in the cross hair of several missile launchers pretty much went over my head). I was taught that no one gave Israel or the Jews a fair shake and that anyone who wanted to take land away from them was mean and wrong.

And maybe, in the beginning, all of that was true.

But now Israel is a strong country and it’s using it’s strength to institute apartheid in Israel. I mean, for thousands of years Jews have been picked on, persecuted, made to feel less than others for who they were. And yet this is basically what is going on now in Israel against anyone who isn’t Jewish. And while my gut instinct is, and probably always will be, to stand up for Israel and the Jewish people living there, I can’t help but acknowledge the glaring racism going on right now in a country that was created to allow religious freedom for the eternal minority. When the minority becomes the majority, and all they can do is use oppression against others, what good does that make them? How are they any better than their enemies? How is the Israel of today so unlike the other Middle Eastern countries opressing the Jewish minority in the past?

So, keeping all that in mind (yes it’s a lot to keep in mind…I warned you in the title), you’ll understand that living where I am, I tend to see the global Jewish community in a less positive light than I used to. I’ve had all sorts of shades of grey mixed into my thinking these past 18 months. But then I read this and followed the link to here.

Now, that’s what I’m talking about! That’s the Jewish community I identify with and love and miss being a part of. I mean, you gotta love it. Crazy Baptist church led by homophobic anti-Semite Fred Phelps comes to picket against you…what do you do? You get people to donate money for each minute of time the protesters are protesting outside of your synogogue. It is one the most brilliant passive aggressive tactics in the history of anything! Really, if there is a way to make a bigot eat more crow than this, you’ll be hard pressed to find it:

“Once the total amount has been raised, we will be sending an acknowledgement letter to the church to let them know that their appearance helped to raise money to support LGBT causes…We are delighted that Fred Phelps will help raise money to strengthen the work we do to create a progressive religious voice”
–Congregation Beth Simchat Torah