LINDSAY LOHAN'S EMACIATION PROCLAMATION

CHECK OUT MY NEW COMIC, BITCHES!!!@!

I've always wanted to do this.....

NICOLE RITCHIE IS ALMOST PERFECT

This is what normal is to me. While Nicole Ritchie still a little bit big in the tighs, she's getting pretty damn place to being perfect. Maybe once she see's these photos she'll notice that she still has a little chunk to lose. Nothing makes you realize how fat you are like 10+ photos of yourself running on the beach.

Check out more of these photos right here...

DEAR MORGAN CREEP FREAKING DOUCHE BAG

Dearest Morgan Creep Executive,

I don't know what to say about your recent letter that was hand delivered to my current residency in the John Bulsushi Suite at The Shato Marmont in Hollywood. How dare you say that I'm acting like a spoiled little brat for not showing up for work? How dare you say that I'm acting incourteious to the other actresses in the movie? Do you not realize that it was as hot as a sweaty buck crack this week? Do you like it when your the hair on your talent looks like a wet pair of boxers that have been collecting ball sweat all day? I don't think so. I was not partying like you wrote...I was inside my suite....sick as a dog from all the heat! It is HOT out there! Do I need to repeat myself because I think I just did because it's SO FREAKING HOT OUTSIDE!!!!

And you know what..Mr. Morgan Creep. I think YOUR BEING a spoiled brat. "OH LOOK AT ME! I'M MISTER STUDIO EXECTUTIVE! I'M 70-YEARS-OLD AND I'M ABOUT TO DIE! MY NUTS ARE SHRIVILED!!! OH I'M SO COOL! WATCH ME MAKE MOVIES!"

I hate you. It's Hollywood Execs like you that make this whole town evil. So what if the talent wants to party because it's so freaking hot outside and she doesn't show up to work and instead chills out and does some drugs. That's what we do. And what should you do? Shut up like the ass-sucking movie exec that you are and treat your talent like Hollywood's ever treated them. Like we're awesome. Because we are...

Love & Laxatives,

LL

NOW WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO SNORT COCAINE OFF MY FLAT STOMACH?

So I was at Ari's house the other day for party and someone's like, can I take a few pictures of you, and I'm "I don't know" and then they're like, "Oh come on, you look beatiful" and I was like "You're right!" so I did, I posed, and the result is that I know now what I assume I always knew but was to afraid to come right out and say it for fear of being labelled a bragger.

I am one hot piece of ass.

There...although that's embarrassing, isn't it!?! Doesn't sound like me I think! I just never thought I was a bragger!

If anything I hope this latest improntu amateur-porn like suit will make people believe that I am healthy again. I am looking good. I'm not "tooo" skinny. I'm fit. I'm strong. My breasts are just about back and I'm ready to get my career back on track and stop all this bickering with all these young diva rich girls. Yes, I'm talking to you Paris. Yes, Ashely...my freckles are pointing in your raggedy ass direction. I'm willing to call a truce if you are...let's just act like adults here and move on with our lives.

Oh, btw: what do you think of this bathing suit? I kinda like the beige color. A friend of mine said it looks kind of vomity. I dunno? Does it? I think it's great, espec if you're going for that see thru kinda look. Look nude w/o being nude! RFLOMA!?!?

More good news! I've hooked up with Regan Publishing and I'm now going to write a diet book! It's called Back From the Brink: One Actress' Rollercoaster Ride from Hollywood to The Bathroom and Back, due in stores in the Fall probably. It's kinda of gonna be a little personal and embarrassing...so don't laugh...I just think if you're gonna write anything these days it has to be personal and meaningful...kind of like this blog write? Us celebrities are always told to watch what we say and do. We're managed. We have people telling us where do go, what movies to take, what interviews to give. You'd think they'd be managing our bathroom schedules, too. No more. No one's getting involved in this book but me. No ghost writers here.

Me.

Lohan.

Naked. Before the World.

To Put Down Here What Should Be Left to Say Come Time After Death.

Love Ya Bitches,

LL

SEE, DON'T I LOOK DAMN GOOD?

Breaking news...my boobs are looking damn good these days. Dontcha think?

MY NAME IS LINDSAY LOHAN...

And I am a Bulimic. I am drug abuser. I am ashma sufferer. I am currently "resting comfortably" after a visit to a Miami Hospital.

I know I haven't been posting here in awhile. That's only because I've been in recovery every since Lorne Michael became my knight in shining armor and held a an intervention for me after I hosted Saturday Night Live. Let me tell you something, nothing is more sobering than the entire cast of SNL confronting you because of your health issues. These people know how to party. Tina Fey? I hear that before every show she snorts cocaine off a Amy Poehlers' ass in her dressing room. Horatio Sans? The guy weighs as much as Chris Farely's double chins. At first I thought that the intervention was a joke, but then I remembered that SNL hasn't really been that funny these past couple years.

They were serious. They told me I had a problem. They said I had no arms. They said that it was strange that I was running to the bathroom between ever skit. Laxatives are a bitch.

So I'm coming clean. I ditching my old ways. I'm forgetting Wilmer. I'm forgetting my Dad. I'm forgetting that I sh***ty album. T

That was the old Lindsay Lohan. The skinny, boobless, gastric-intestinal-fluid-tooth-rot Lindsay Lohan.

I want to eat healthy. I want to party less, spend more time with my family. You can call these New Year's Resoultions if you want...I just call them My Saving Grace.

It's funny. I go back and read what I've written here this past 6 months -- the leg scratching...the drug abuse...the suicidal thoughts...the angry rants...

Didn't people see this? Couldn't somebody just come up to me and hit me on the head and say, "Lindsay...WAKE UP!"

But that's what happens when you're famous I guess. People just expect you to be fine. People think you're all right, all the time. People think you're so cool.

So when they see you come on set all coked out of your mind and barely able to stand up, they just think....well that's the way they are....we're already paying her 5 million dollars...she on a billboard on sunset so she must have it all under control...

My life has been a hurricane and I'm only now realizing it. I've hurt a lot of people. I've hurt a lot of fans. I've lied. I've cheated. I've been a wreck and I never cared.

But I care now. I want to set this all straight. I want to be open. I want little girls to pick up a magazine and say, Mommy...I really respect Linday Lohan...

I hope to someday respect myself enough to think the same...

WE ALL DO IT

If Kate Moss showed the world that pretty people snort lots of cocaine to remain sexy and skinny, they should also know that we take lots and lots of other stuff...one of them is my favorite way to lose weight...laxatives! Once you take a laxative, the poo just shoots out your ass like a chocolaty waterfull...the feeling is....dare I say....replenishing and erotic. I love my liquid laxatives....they're wonderful.

And from the looks of it...so does my friend Rachel Hunter.