LiteralDan

Keep friends close and let enemies pummel you

2008-10-10T05:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, so maybe my 4-year-old son D- won't become an arch-villain after all, or at least not a good one. Observe this conversation from yesterday morning: D-: Ow! Owww... Oww! Ow!! Me: Hey! M-: Sor-ree!! Me: Why were you just standing there letting her hit you?* D-: Because I was trying to tell her something! Me: But why would you just keep standing there if she was hitting you? D-: Because

My son the Arch-Villain

2008-10-09T05:00:00.003-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, in the interest of all our safety, I feel compelled to inform you that I have reason to believe my 4-year-old son may in fact be the next in a long line of supervillains. And not necessarily one of the campy kinds. Just look at this ferocious face he was making in the picture for this recent post: If I hadn't otherwise suspected his secret identity, I'm pretty sure my

Corporate intelligence, Vol. 4

2008-10-08T05:00:00.009-05:00

Let me pose this one to you: say you were Bank of America settling into a new market (Chicago) after somewhat recently buying up a pretty big chain of banks (LaSalle Bank). Which would you consider the smoothest opening move: 1) Running a print ad welcoming yourself to town using an outdated, inaccurate picture of the cityscape, or 2) Running a radio ad congratulating the Cubs on making the

Parenthood is...

2008-10-07T05:00:00.005-05:00

...Finding out that trying to take a quick shower by yourself means someone will poop on the floor. Editor's Note: I'm thinking I could make this a feature, like the comic Love Is. If you haven't seen it, "it's about two naked 8-year-olds who are married."

The rules of D-, Vol. 2

2008-10-06T03:00:00.005-05:00

Here are some more rules of D-, my 4-year-old son. This time, it's a sampling of questions and statements that should not arouse any suspicion at all: 1. Can you stay in the shower for awhile longer? 2. (walking into a room, apropos of nothing) I didn't punch her... 3. Go away from me now? 4. I don't want you to ask me about that.

P.S. I squish you

2008-10-03T03:00:00.001-05:00

The other day, J- left me a nice note before heading off to work at the crack of dawn (in response to an even better note I had left her, thereby granting me the clear edge here), and while it was, as I said, nice, as we approach five years of marriage and 10 years of knowing each other, we're past the stage of saving every little scrap of everything in a shoe box somewhere. That being said, I

Classic quotes, Vol. 8

2008-10-02T05:00:00.002-05:00

Here is Episode 8 in the beloved series of quotes from around our house: D- (while tying his robe belt around the door knob and chain lock, after I said "Stop"): Stop what? M-: I'm mess-see! D- (also the Voice Of My Stomach at most meals): I want some more of that taste, please. M- (reaching into D-'s pants pocket): I'm takin' money! J- (to me, after I suggested we go get some very delicious

Developments at our house, Vol. 11

2008-10-01T03:00:00.008-05:00

Here's more of the latest developments around our house: 1. I've advised D- to invest some pennies in one of those super-skinny piano-key neckties, based on the amount of time he's lately been spending tickling the plastics on his toy synthesizer. 2. In a triumph for those who claim toilet humor as the inborn and fundamental base of all things that are funny, my 20-month-old daughter M-'s

Captcha the memories

2008-09-30T07:00:00.001-05:00

Just a thought on something I've noticed in commenting at some of your blogs and elsewhere: When I begin typing various letters in those CAPTCHA boxes*, Firefox helpfully suggests to me some of the past strings I've typed, and I can't help but wonder how much such completely useless information my computer has saved up in various nooks and crannies. But then, how much do I have myself? And more

Driving: A love story

2008-09-29T05:00:00.002-05:00

While I was driving us home from the mall the other day, J- selfishly decided that she and her throbbing brain wanted a time-out from the glorious wonder that is Arcade Fire's Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels), but being a sane person, I reiterated my insistence that it be played at full volume at all times from now until I close my eyes. So, to compromise, she reached for the Balance knob to push the

Pantsed in Candyland

2008-09-26T03:00:00.002-05:00

For those of you not down with the C-Land lingo, you may as well stop reading, because you don't understand my people. In the spirit of a great blues musician, I've come here to proclaim my troubles to the world in hopes of gaining some relief: Like golf*, Candyland is a game of sheer chance and luck designed to illustrate the futility of continuing to live. I'm a relative newcomer to this game

Respect my Au-THOR-a-tie!

2008-09-25T05:00:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that after much watching and wonderment on my part, my Technorati Authority rating has gone up to 68,* which apparently puts me within the top 97,000 blogs out of many millions, and surely entitles me to some kind of cash prize, secret club membership, or that many virgins awaiting me in the afterlife. Or maybe I'm confusing several different

Book Review: I Went Walking

2008-09-24T05:00:00.006-05:00

As a blogger with most of the word literary in my name, I think we can all agree I'm a logical choice to review books for the masses not so terminologically blessed. Whether or not you defy me by not readily agreeing with my assertion, a presumably large number of book publishers and authors' representatives do agree. After recently becoming inundated with review copies of books*, I decided it

Brother, can you spare $700 billion?

2008-09-23T05:00:00.002-05:00

The following is an only mildly sarcastic note I sent to my Congresspeople* yesterday. If you'd like to send one, too, you can go to VoteNoBailout.org for a quick and easy method (including a prewritten letter, if you don't have time to write one of your own). Note: Feel free to reuse my letter below for writing your own representatives, if you're so inclined. Hello, I'm writing to register my

Hey buddy, can I get a spot?

2008-09-22T05:00:00.001-05:00

Don't get me wrong: I fully appreciate that as a freshly 20-month-old baby-o, M- is handling the toilet training process way ahead of her time. On paper, that is. But my new rule is, if you're old enough to say, "Oh, thanks" like a full-grown man having his basketball bounced back over to him when I wipe your backside, you're old enough to start taking care of that business all by your lonesome.

The finest in casual dining

2008-09-19T05:00:00.003-05:00

A couple of days ago, the kids and I took a jaunt down to the massive outdoor mall* near our house, which meant that we got to bite into a juicy cross section of what passes for Americana these days. Among the stores we passed was a Chili's**, which caught D-'s eye immediately. He said, "Hey look, there's that 'rons-traunt' we went to that time." I acknowledged this and praised him as usual for

Classic quotes, Vol. 7

2008-09-18T05:00:00.000-05:00

That's right, another list post, this one a new collection of lines uttered by this ragtag bunch of slugs: D- (to me, from across the room): Can you throw me a pencil? M- (after spitting): Spit-tinnn'! Katie (in awe of the mangled English mocked at Engrish.com): Why don't they just hire English-speaking hobos and pay them in sandwiches and alcohol to fix their signs??! Me (to J-, on the phone

Indisputable facts, Vol. 1

2008-09-17T05:00:00.001-05:00

The following is a list of indisputable facts, according to the ultimate authority: 1. If you have to wonder whether the water you're wringing out of a ruined basement carpet is composed even partially of sewage, you may as well just stop wondering. It will only make the carrying of the giant, dripping rolls to the garbage less pleasant. 2. It is inadvisable to allow a four-year-old to put his

A conversation with D-: Does not compute

2008-09-16T05:00:00.002-05:00

Here is yet another example to illustrate that my 4-year-old son D- has been cursed with the same obsession with semantics that has thus far defined my time on this earth. This conversation took place at the park after I picked him up from his second day of preschool: Me: So, did you learn any of the other kids' names today? D-: No. Me: Really? D-: Yeah... I think I knew some but now I forget

6 uninteresting things about me

2008-09-15T05:00:00.013-05:00

Well, folks, I was recently tagged by (the highly recommended) Kat* at 3 Bedroom Bungalow to Let in Crazytown, along with the reliably hilarious Middle Aged Woman at Unmitigated, with the 6 Uninteresting Things About You meme.** In the spirit of doing whatever the hell we want to all the time, and since we were both hard-pressed to identify anything about ourselves that isn't fascinating***, we

Tinkle, tinkle, little star

2008-09-12T05:00:00.001-05:00

In her continuing effort to become 5 years old in 2 years or less (she currently seems to be speaking and thinking at about a 3-year-old level), my 19-month-old daughter M- woke up mostly dry the other morning and immediately peed in the toilet upon waking. Now, I don't know about you, but that first pee in the morning is generally very refreshing and primally satisfying, and given that this was

Is this what defines the 21st century?

2008-09-11T05:00:00.005-05:00

Once again, I couldn't see posting about something else today and ignoring the obvious. This day has haunted all Americans and much of the rest of the world, in one way or another, for most of this century, and it likely will for many more years to come. So I'm putting this little post out there in memory of the thousands of people victimized on this day 7 years ago and so many days again since,

A conversation with J-: The third child

2008-09-10T05:00:00.001-05:00

Here is a revealing conversation I recently had with my wife, J-: J- (using cartoonish parent voice): M-, did you get a treat for making pee on the toilet? Was it chocolate-covered raisins?? Me: No, just a couple chocolate chips. J-: Then why were there chocolate-covered raisins on the kitchen floor? Me: That was me... I had an incident. J-: (rolls her eyes and doesn't even bother asking a

Potential book titles, Vol. 2

2008-09-09T05:00:00.001-05:00

Here are a few more select titles of stirring fiction and nonfiction books I might write, should I ever get my act together: A Book In Which The Noble Husband Tragically Dies, To Make You Briefly Appreciate Yours More Chasing the Dragon: One Day, I Will Finish Reading Everything On The Internet A Book In Which The Wife Dies, To Make My Wife Briefly Appreciate Me More (Via Numerous Stirring

Take that, Thomas!

2008-09-08T05:00:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to point out this story so you too could anxiously wait to find out to which of Thomas' friends from the island of Sodor we need to send flowers. It's too hard to call from the picture whether this tragic event struck Annie, Daisy, Clarabel, or another unlucky coach: Angry Argentine commuters torch train in rush hour "We understand that people get angry when the service is delayed