The Blarney Stone Blog

“Come in, Mr Bond, we’ve been expecting you. Have you met Mr Fleming? No, clearly not.”

2016-02-07T17:40:00.003-05:00

One of the reason that the James Bond movie series has lasted as long as it has is the very solid foundations on which it was built: Ian Fleming’s novels and short stories. Along with some excellent film-making, the plots and atmosphere of the books – that were a phenomenal success in their own right – are what established James Bond at the pinnacle of the action-hero secret-agent genre.

Warning: this post contains spoilers for “Spectre”.

The early Bond films were, in the main, true to the books, so Sean Connery has the distinction of having the longest run of actual adaptations to his name. Roger Moore had a couple, but most of his films just used titles from the books or short stories. Timothy Dalton had to make do with the pre-credits sequence of “The Living Daylights”: the intro to the film is taken from one of Fleming’s short stories, the rest of the film is made-up. All of Piers Brosnan’s outings are from teams of screen-writers.

The relaunch of the films with “Casino Royale” was so successful partly because it was the first time for decades that Ian Fleming’s pen was involved. Whilst the film is significantly extended and rewritten from the book, much remains. Bond’s callous pronouncement on Vesper that “the bitch is dead” is jarring in the film, but then that’s the closing line of the book.

The two films since “Casino Royale” have struggled to reach the same heights, because they are entirely distant from Fleming’s writings.

Unfortunately, “Spectre” commits the cardinal sin of throwing out the original source entirely. The film reintroduces the character of Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Bond’s nemesis who runs through several of the novels. But in the new film, it turns out that, in fact, Blofeld is Bond’s foster brother and turned to evil out of resentment.

Now give me a break: Ian Fleming never intended that Bond and Blofeld are related. These characters occupy Fleming’s fictional world, and it’s his rules. This sort of messing around is like having Voldemort pronounce “No, Harry: I am your father”. Nicely dramatic, but J K Rowling would have a fit.

The message to script-writers is this: respect your sources. The best thing that could happen to the Bond films would be to go back to what Ian Fleming wrote in those stories that have yet to make it to the big screen. Let’s have “Moonraker” done properly, please!

Finding my writing mojo

2015-06-27T23:22:00.001-04:00

It’s hard to believe that five months have slipped by since we last put up a post. So much has happened over the past year – in particular, new, time-consuming jobs for both me and Nik – that blogging and writing and even reading, at times, have slowed tremendously. (As have housework and hobbies and all sorts of other things I used to have time for…).

But I want this. I do. I want to finish the books I’ve started as well as the ones still in my head.

I’m taking advantage of the extra time afforded by the summer break from school (no more God-awful early mornings and endless evenings of homework, at least for the next 10 weeks) to get back my writing mojo. It’s not easy. The words are stiff, the characters blather, and I can’t see where it’s going. But I’m pushing through, planning out writing sessions during my commute so when I get to the computer I know exactly what I’ll work on. Kind of a brute force approach, and progress is slow. But it’s there.

I recently started playing the piano again after a 25-year hiatus (amazing how time flies!) and the experience is very similar. At first, stiff fingers, poor pacing, and a complete absence of anything even close to resembling musicality. But the more I play, the easier it becomes and the better it sounds. I have very high hopes that my writing will follow suit.

I have four tween/teen novels underway, one racy adult story, two cookbooks, and a notebook full of story ideas. So no shortage of options and no excuses for writers’ block. I’m planning an August writing trip while my kids are away to complete a first draft of one of the kids’ books and to get a good start on cookbook #3.

But enough about me. We want to hear from you. If you’ve lost your writing mojo at some point, how did you get it back? Plow through it and hope for the best? Writing exercises? Elves and fairy dust? Winn-Dixie? Please share!

The Killer Crabs of Clipperton Atoll (An Unintentionally Creepy Bedtime Story)

2015-01-26T09:48:00.001-05:00

Find on Amazon: The Pocket Atlas of
Remote Islands

A while back, a good friend (i.e., Nik) regifted to me a small book about islands to pass along to my oldest son (a child who starts nearly every sentence with “Hey Mom, did you know….,” and then proceeds to share whatever random fact he’s just discovered…). It’s a great little book – The Pocket Atlas of Remote Islands by Judith Schlansky – with short tales and interesting facts about, well, remote islands (the subtitle of the book is Fifty islands I have not visited and never will).

Because there was no reason to read the book from start to finish, we (i.e., me) thought it would be fun to jab a finger at a random page and read the resulting selection as a bedtime story.

Well….(cue creepy music)…that was the night we discovered the (almost) unspeakable horrors of Clipperton Atoll.

You see Clipperton, a small coral island tucked away in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Pacific Ocean (about 1000 km off the coast of Mexico), is inhabited by man-eating orange land crabs. Lots and lots of them. So many that their shells crunch underfoot as one walks across the island (until, of course, one’s feet are devoured by said crabs).

Clipperton Crab: Sure, it looks all cute and innocent...

According to Schlansky, a small Mexican garrison stationed at Clipperton was all but forgotten for more pressing issues during the Mexican Revolution. Supply ships stopped arriving as the war heightened, and the 26 residents – 14 men, 6 women, and 6 children – were left with no food save the crabs (nothing grew on the coral). Scurvy broke out, many died, and the governor went mad. The survivors, mad themselves by then, killed each other off (with help from the crabs, I presume) until only a handful remained to outrun the crabs to a long-awaited rescue ship. From the safety of the deck they could see the orange ring of crabs around the atoll, claws snapping in the sun as the ship sailed off…. (book closes).

(Silence)

“Mom? Are there crabs in Ohio?”

“Just little ones, honey. Like at the pet store. And they only eat bugs.”

“Okay. Night, Mom.”

“Night, honey.”

(Light off)

“crruunnnnchhhh”

“Mom! Not funny!”

Have you noticed?

2015-01-03T09:56:00.001-05:00

Firstly, a Merry Christmas to all of you at home. I hope that Santa brought everything that you asked for.

When the mail began to drop through again after the holiday, there was an official-looking envelope that didn't appear to be a regular bill, so I opened it. It turned out to be from a store where I bought a new washing machine nearly two years ago.

"Dear Mr Forester" (it said)

"We've noticed that the two-year manufacturer's warranty on your washing machine is about to expire."

I thought that was a lovely piece of phrasing. Nothing too officious, threatening or peremptory. It didn't say, for example:

"Your washing machine warranty is about to expire". (Oh, no, what do I do? What do I do?!)

"Did you know that your washing machine warranty is about to expire?" (My word, no, I didn't, what a fool I've been!)

No, it just implies that Derek in accounts was sleepily sorting through some old files, and luckily happened to "notice" that my warranty was about to run out, so they thought that a friendly note might be useful to me. So they could sell me an extension to the warranty that cost almost as much as the machine itself.

I wasn't going to fall for that no matter what the letter said, but it did make me smile, and I certainly noticed it.

TMI, Mr. Fforde. TMI.

2014-09-04T18:14:00.001-04:00

As I type this, I'm about two hours into a 13 hour plane ride. I've achieved the rank of Peggle Master in my latest app obsession, and am working my way through my second tiny bottle of a surprisingly good Pinot Grigio.

Buy from Amazon: First Among Sequels

I'm also working my way through Jasper Fforde's fifth book in his Thursday Next series, "Thursday Next, First Among Sequels". And I'm not particularly happy.

Oh I'm happy about the trip, despite the fact that I'll likely miss my connection flight. And I'm happy that I have a row to myself, nice wine, and the rumble of jet engines to lull me to sleep.

But I'm not happy about the book. I adore Ffforde's writing, I really do. And his stories are amazingly creative, and whimsical, and funny. But having read the first 14 chapters of First Among Sequels, I'm terribly disappointed. It's just one long back story so far, 124 pages whose sole purpose seems to be to catch up the story for new readers.

To make matters worse, the plot devices for revealing said backstory are weak and shallow. In one case, Thursday, a Jurisfiction agent in BookWorld, drones on and on to her cadet trainee: explaining how BookWorld works, taking tours, going on ad nauseum about stuff that was delightfully woven seamlessly into books 1-4. In another case, Thursday takes her son to a ChronoGuard recruiting seminar, where, similarly, a recruiting officer drones on and on about time topics also covered in depth in the earlier books. The only light spot is when her son, Friday, asks, "Is this going to take long?" My thoughts exactly!

Now as an author whose first novel is still very much a work in progress, this has me thinking (or maybe it's the wine): When writing a sequel (or two or three or four), how do you catch up your new readers without boring your loyal followers to death? You can't just pick things up without some sort of transition (or can you?)? But holding the reader captive while lecturing the finer points of earlier novels doesn't work either.

So what then? In the types of writing I do daily – scholarly scientific articles, test plans, project proposals, and the like – there's always a backstory. In some cases, depending on the topic, the foundational work goes back decades, or even centuries. Now most articles in technical journals are dry and dull enough without years upon years of backstory, so deciding which elements to include and how to include them is a sort of art form. Is it necessary to mention the Wright Brothers when developing a new test procedure for jet engines? Probably not. But if adding a new term to an existing equation, discussing the original work is a good idea.

Many authors approach the issue of previous work by just stuffing a few paragraphs into the intro. Something along the lines of: Guy1 did this stuff [see reference 1], guy2 did this other stuff [see reference 2], guy3 did some more stuff [see reference 3], blah, blah, blah until it's practically unreadable.

The better authors, in my opinion, not only weave the past work into appropriate sections of the paper rather than blast the reader with a tally sheet of backstory, but they also include a discussion of how the earlier findings contribute to the current work.

This approach isn't unique to technical writing. Look at some of the hugely successful sequels, such as the Harry Potter books or the Series of Unfortunate Events or any number of multi-book stories. The best sequels don't bore the reader with in-your-face, not-letting-you-go-until-I've-had-my-say backstory. Rather, they introduce relevant points through the actions of their characters, or the setting, or natural dialogue. Could Fforde have describe BookWorld without the tedious tour scene? You betcha! Tuesday could've whisked her cadet away on their first assignment (after a behind-the-scenes tour and in-processing, presumably) and the important details of DiscWorld would've been revealed more naturally. Ditto for the ChonoGuards and time travel – introduce the concepts when they impact the current storyline, not before.

Okay, I've had my say and I'm ready for another tiny bottle of wine. Feel free to direct me back to this post if at some point in the future my (wildly successful) sequels have you bored silly.

What a souper book!

2014-08-20T21:21:00.001-04:00

The 5:2 Fast Diet: Soup Recipes
$.99 on Amazon, £.77 on Amazon.UK

Yes, it's an excuse to use a dreadful pun!

Way back when Jay and I started this blog, we were looking with envy at the piles of cash being turned in by Fifty Shades of Grey, and deciding that we, with our demonstrated ability to write technical engineering documents with literally tens of readers, could quite clearly do much better. And earn even bigger piles of money, naturally.

Having flirted briefly with erotica (Jay is still far too embarrassed to show me what she wrote!), so far we have two children's books in progress, a thriller in the early stages, and a very long list of plot ideas (some of which made sense when scribbled down, probably after a rather inadvisable quantity of wine had been consumed, but are utterly incomprehensible now), our actual successes to date have been with two cookbooks to support the 5:2 intermittent fasting diet.

Yes! You did read that right: two cookbooks! Following on from our 5:2 Breakfasts cookbook, which we're delighted to say has sold steadily since its launch, we've followed up with a book all about soups. Again, it's geared towards the 5:2 diet, so it's not a place to find rich buttery high-calorie mixtures, but any cookbook that gives you 84 recipes for under a dollar has to be worth a look. You might be interested in the diet plan as well.

So please buy, enjoy, and let us know how you like it!

One Man’s Spam is Another Man’s Shmangle

2014-08-15T08:13:00.001-04:00

Early last year we posted a short piece looking at some of the humorous consequences of skipping transition scenes in fiction (I Sent My Kid to School Naked). Since then, it’s received more than 40,000 views and over 2700 comments – 7 that seem more or less real (thanks, Mom!), and the remaining 99.7% so spammy the almighty Google intervened and blocked them on the spot.

Interesting, right? No, really. After having spent the better part of an afternoon reading through the comments, I’m fascinated by the fine art of spamming.

So who are these mystery spammers and why are they drawn to this post like Rob Ford to a crack pipe?

Figure 1: Distribution of Spam Comments

As can be seen in Figure 1, the overwhelming majority of our fans (those with comments intelligible enough to discern their background) are purveyors of male enhancement products, offering such sage advice as:

“You have to have a strong belief that penis enlargement really possible.”

[Translation: If the crap we’re hawking doesn’t have you looking like John Holmes, it’s your fault for not believing.]

Online casino spammers make up the next biggest chunk of the spam market, although they tend to simply leave their URL in the comment box without additional text (see Figure 2 below). Pharmaceutical sales, pictures of naked people, and offers for high-end (translation: fake) designer shopping make up close to 10% combined, as do wart removal, weight loss, and mail-order brides:

"Wheen tthey have one of their greatt sales, you get a phone call frm youjr perspna shopper that there is a salles promotion."

Who wouldn’t jump at that offer?!

Figure 2: Content of Spam Comments

Interestingly (no, really), many of the spammers don’t spam about their actual products (Figure 2). Most, over 70%, try to hook us in with compliments:

"Thanks for every other excellent article."

"The overall glance of your site is magnificent, as smartly as the content!"

"I have understand your stuff previous to and you're just extremely magnificent."

Aw, go on, you [blush]. I almost feel bad blocking them [not].

Not all spammers share the love, though. We definitely have our share of critics:

"I advise you charter an SEO associate to do the apply for you."

I am more than capable of doing the apply myself, thank you very much.

"It promised so much when it was initially announced, but delivered so little by the time it was actually released."

That’s just mean.

"You've been lax in keeping up with your diet and exercise program."

Well, screw you and your little website too, NSA. I AM TRYING MY BEST! I walk at least 10 miles a week, have cut way back on alcohol, and we’re on the verge of releasing our second diet cookbook. And I only gobbled down that six-month old Valentine’s Day candy last night because dark chocolate helps with PMS cramps. So quit your spying and leave me the eff ALONE!

Ahem. Back to the comments, the final batch represents our spam fashionistas:

"Christian clothing is becoming more and more popular and for boys that often has a touch of the demon in them."

Christian clothing. Okay, then. Kind of like a mail-order exorcism?

"There will be fewer creases in non-knit fabrics if they are folded in half horizontally."

Wouldn't the number of creases depend on the number of folds?

And finally,

"The Shmangle is another similar hooded blanket idea."

Yes! At last, a spam comment I can actually use. Turns out the Shmangle is not only real, but can be purchased for about £22 on Amazon.co.uk. Happy Shmangling!

Turning a Blind Eye

2014-08-07T18:23:00.002-04:00

Available from Amazon
The Great Gamble: Nelson at Copenhagen

I'm very partial to a good history book, and I've just come to the end of one of the best that I've read. It has the three criteria that I think make for a good history book: it's meticulously researched; it paints a picture of the broad context of the period, without which any history book can descend to being a list of facts; and it's well-written (sadly, there's a lot of turgid prose out there on the History shelves).

The book is "The Great Gamble: Nelson at Copenhagen" by Dudley Pope. Hard to get hold of these days, and you might think an odd subject for a post here, but as the battle of Copenhagen led to the phrase "turning a blind eye", there is some broader relevance. At the height of the battle, the commanding Admiral (Sir Hyde Parker, who was four miles away, and because of the conditions, coming up very slowly) ordered the attacking fleet to disengage. Nelson ignored this, at one point putting the telescope to his blind eye and saying "I really do not see the signal". Hyde Parker was a cautious commander, judged by Pope to be the wrong man for the job: Pope has a lovely analogy that Parker crossed the North Sea at the start of the mission at the same pace as a child dawdling to school, because of his nervousness over losing ships onto the coast.

The signal to cease the attack occupies a large chunk of the book plus an Appendix, to debunk a subsequent tale told in Hyde Parker's defence, that the signal was to be obeyed at Nelson's discretion. Pope destroys this with a mix of eye-witness accounts and sound reasoning (the signal was made to the whole fleet, not to Nelson alone, and some ships obeyed it).

Pope's account of the careers and personal lives of Nelson and Parker, and the background diplomatic failures that led to the battle, are absolutely superb. The battle itself does degenerate into a list of facts as to which ship attacked which, but that's almost unavoidable.

So I very much enjoyed this. It won't appeal to all readers, but it certainly has a place on my shelves.

Bone Dancing, Blood Dancing

2014-07-05T13:08:00.000-04:00

Last year we ran a series of posts on Jonathan Gash's Bonn/Burtonall series, but neglected to post the reviews of the final two books. Today, we correct that oversight. To catch you up, here's where we left off:

Book 1: Different Women Dancing

Nik's Review: Different Women Dancing

Jay's Review: Different Women, Different Reader, Different Review

Book 2: Prey Dancing

Nik's Review: Prey Dancing

Jay's Review: Book Musing: When Characters Seem Too Old

Book 3: Die Dancing

Nik's Review: Outta My Head

Now on to the final two!

Bone Dancing

Available on Amazon: Bone Dancing

So here's a thing. I was quite happily working my way through Bone Dancing, the fourth book in Jonathan Gash's Clare Burtonall series (though I still maintain that it's misnamed, as she is more bystander than protagonist), when I suddenly had a bit of a shock.

You see, there's one particular sequence I remember from the books (they are indeed unusually memorable). Rack, the main fixer of the seedy world of crime, is refused protection money by the new manager of a car showroom, so he has the entire stock stolen. It's almost peripheral to the story, just a lovely vignette of life in the shadows.

So, there I am, lapping up the book, when I suddenly realize that I'm virtually at the end and it hasn't happened yet. After a bout of confusion and concerns of incipient senility, I come to a joyful conclusion.

I'd misremembered. There aren't four books in the series, there are five.

Yes! A whole other book to enjoy! So I suppose that this post should have a subtitle:

Blood Dancing

Available from Amazon: Blood Dancing

The final book (so far, I live in hope) is a real cracker. Not only does it have that sequence that has stuck with me, but Clare Burtonall finally seems more integrated than she has since the first novel, even though the previous book appeared to leave her cast out by her underworld associates. The plot centres around a vigilante wreaking lethal justice on paedophiles. And why not. Well, the why not and its resolution is the core of the story, and it's great. I expect the book is now hard to come by, but it is well, well worth the effort.

I still have a minor grumble over continuity. There's a definite disconnect between the end of Bone Dancing and the start of Blood Dancing. At the end of Bone Dancing Clare has been cut-off from the underworld syndicate, and given the track record of everyone else who's suffered that fate over the course of books, she's lucky to do so alive. But there's the suggestion that Bonn, her hired lover, will take her as his live-in woman.

By the start of Blood Dancing, though, there's almost been a reset back to business as usual. Maybe Gash found that the change was too restrictive on the storytelling, I don't know. It certainly didn't lessen my enjoyment of the book, but it's a small niggle nonetheless.

This is one of my all-time favourite series of books. Please, please, Mr Gash, write another one?

Orphan Stories

2014-06-08T05:57:00.001-04:00

When I was a kid, my dad often sent me and my sisters off to sleep with tales of The Meanest Man in the World. Although I can't recall the exact words, it always started something like this:

"There once was a man," he'd begin. "Was he a green man?"

"NO!" we'd shriek.

"Was he a lean man?"

"NO!"

"Was he a keen man, a bean man, a metal machine man?"

"NO!"

"No," he'd continue, his voice so quietly sinister I used to get goosebumps. "No. He was a mean man, The Meanest Man in the World."

Then the night's story would start. Oh, he was mean alright (the Man, not my dad!), with a particular penchant for torturing orphans. Not Hannibal-Lecter-style torturing, but psychological mind games.

Like the time he delivered a beautifully-wrapped package to the orphanage, bedazzled with ribbons and bows and sparkle and glitter. It was the first present the orphan had ever received, and was so incredibly stunning that the orphan just stared wide-eyed for hours. When he finally set about to unwrapping, he painstakingly removed the trimmings one-by-one, each more glorious than the next, and put them aside carefully (no doubt to relive this wondrous event over and over).

As he peeled back the layers he wondered with anticipation, what riches lay inside? A toy, perhaps? He'd never had a toy. Or maybe sweets? He'd heard of something called chocolate, where a single bite could fill one with joy. Or maybe a small puppy to love and to hold and to be his friend forever? He'd never had a friend. He almost dared not think it.

The last layer was off and all that stood between him and his heart's desire was the cardboard lid. His heart was pounding and he could scarcely breathe. He closed his eyes and slowly lifted the lid. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes and looked inside.

Any guesses on what he saw?

Anyway, decades later, I'm still drawn to orphan stories. Thanks to a recent discovery by Nik (I Judged a Book by Its Cover) I've had the pleasure of reading two absolutely fantastic orphan-themed books by Baltimore author Laura Amy Schlitz.

The first is Splendors and Glooms (titled Fire Spell in the UK). My local library had it filed away in juvenile fiction, but it definitely transcends this age group. The other, released a few years prior, is A Drowned Maiden's Hair (filed under Young Adult, presumably for content as the writing style is less complex than Splendors.) Both feature orphans pressed into service by not-particularly-nice adults. And both feature the deliciously creepy specter of long dead children who shape and influence events.

A Drowned Maiden's Hair tells the story of Maud Flynn, orphan and troublemaker, who's adopted solely to help her benefactors, the sisters Hawthorne, conduct fake seances for grieving parents. At first just happy to be out of the orphanage, Maud soon is torn between her desire for affection from her adopters, and her growing uncomfortableness with the deceit.

There's a great supernatural element that I love, woven in with very real human emotions, both good and bad. I enjoyed Splendors just a tiny bit more, but both are excellent choices for a shivery read.

To Serve Man

2014-06-07T22:08:00.001-04:00

My oldest son was almost eight and we were at the small, local airport to see my mom off for her trip back to New York. The queue at the security line was long, way longer than usual, but people were laughing and smiling and didn’t seem at all grumpy.* My well-traveled child studied the situation for awhile, experienced enough to know that happy, waiting passengers were something of an oxymoron, then (never one to hold back), turned to me as he pointed to them and shouted (way too loudly for an airport), “Mom! Mom! It’s a …COOKBOOK!!”

Funny kid.

Great book at a great price! Less than $20 on Amazon. Buy here!

The same line went through my mind when I received my latest Amazon purchase in the mail this week. If ever there were a time to yell, “It’s a cookbook!” this would be it. Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything is a massive tome: over 2 inches thick, 1000+ pages, and nearly 5 pounds. I’d been stalking the price for some time and when it dropped a few bucks I decided to spring.

But does it truly tell one how to cook everything? My oldest, now almost 11, put it to the test:

“Chicken pot pie?” Check.

“Hazelnut brownies?” Check.

“Crème brulee?” Check.

“Hmmm, I guess it really does have everything. Good job, Mom.”

I’m only a couple of chapters in so far – Kitchen Basics & Sauces – but what I’m really loving about Bittman’s approach is that it’s more of a cooking tutorial than simply a collection of recipes. He includes of course the basic ingredients and preparation instructions, but also explains, where relevant, how to choose ingredients, why they work together, and how to create almost endless numbers of variations.

He also includes recipes I would’ve never thought of making from scratch – like ketchup and coconut milk.

Each chapter starts with instructions for what he terms Essential Recipes: basic recipes that every home cook should know. For example, in the section on grains, the essential recipes cover simple cooked grains, basic pilafs, fried rice, and couscous – the types of cooking that, with a little practice, won’t require a recipe at all.

There are tons of tables in the book, too – lexicons with descriptions and uses for basic ingredients and also mix-and-match charts for recipe variations. The idea is that once one’s mastered the basic recipes, a few simple guidelines can help to create a huge variety of dishes.

I’m looking forward to donning an apron and delving in this summer. My sons and I put in a small vegetable garden in the back yard, and have allied with our neighbors to form a barter-based co-operative (basically a table where we can all trade our excess veggies). Bittman’s section on vegetables is mouth-watering: layered tortes and Asian stirfrys; outdoor grilling and curried everything. So many options it’s almost overwhelming, but I’ll start from the basics and go from there. Wish me luck!

* The date was 02 May 2011. News had just been released that Osama bin Laden had been killed in Pakistan.

Spoiler Alert! To Serve Man is a 1962 Twilight Zone episode in which suspiciously nice aliens – the Kanamits – come to Earth to assist mankind. Aided by their trusty book, “To Serve Man,” they do all sorts of nice things to make us safer, happier, and healthier….and tastier…

Why One Should Never Teach a Child to Read….

2014-05-24T06:32:00.001-04:00

Kindle edition only $1.99!

A former work colleague of mine once said that there was nothing more terrible and terrifying than that moment in life when one’s child has become a proficient driver and one is relegated to the passenger seat. I think that there is something on a par: and that’s when one’s children begin to recommend books…

“Have you read this, Daddy?”

“Well, yes, but not since I was three”.

“Why don’t you read it now?”

“Well, I have other things to read now”.

“Did you like it when you were three?”

“Well, yes I think I did”.

“Why don’t you read it now if you liked it?”

etc etc

Now that my children are a bit older, it’s becoming harder to completely dismiss their recommendations, particularly as I spend so much time recommending things for them to read, and in some instances we’re now reading the same books (Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games…).

I grew up reading Doctor Who books from the original TV series. Loved them at the time, they were a staple of my childhood. When the series stopped the books kept going, and became geared towards an older readership as the readers themselves grew up. Now the TV series is back, the books are again for a younger age group, and they’re a bit simplistic for me these days. However, they have started publishing the occasional book by fairly prominent sci-fi authors that are a bit more demanding and challenging. So when my elder daughter recommended The Silent Stars Go By, by Dan Abnett, I thought it was worth a go.

Turns out she was right! I went through this book in a couple of days, and really enjoyed it. OK, it’s a fairly straightforward tale, but it’s well written and certainly not dumbed down. One notable thing is that Abnett absolutely nails the style of the dialogue from the TV series, to an extent that one wonders if this were in fact a near-miss script. It’s also a neat touch that the Chapter titles are lines from Christmas carols.

So, one for your kids, and maybe for you too on a cold night.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

2014-05-10T08:47:00.001-04:00

Download Chapters 1-3 FREE
from Amazon!

I have always adored the work of Ray Bradbury. I first came across him through the TV version of The Martian Chronicles, something completely different in terms of TV sci-fi. The book was even better, and from that I moved on to his other novels and short stories. Bradbury was so prolific that even now and I can into a bookshop and stumble across something of his that I'd never read before.

Ray Bradbury is no longer with us, and is a real loss to literature. This week, though, I came across the closest thing to a successor.

I've also enjoyed the work of Neil Gaiman. My first encounter was his collaboration with Terry Pratchett in Good Omens, the wonderful spoof on The Omen where the Antichrist gets accidentally swapped for another baby in the maternity ward. Tee hee. I particularly like Stardust, and the film is great, too.

But this time I'd just worked through the Christmas pile (yes, I know, but it was a big pile this year) to The Ocean at the End of the Lane. Starting it was like reading Bradbury all over again. A fantasy novel that could almost be true, with things we don't understand living just a few doors away.

Gaiman can cut deeper with his prose than Bradbury did, and can make the reader uncomfortable in a way that's not my favourite feeling. But on the whole he restrains that here, and the result is a lovely, rich and rewarding read.

Don't wait for next Christmas to get hold of a copy.

Download Chapters 1-3 FREE from Amazon!

Reaching a peek of despair

2014-04-06T12:16:00.000-04:00

Here's the latest instalment in my "just because the spell check is OK doesn't mean it's the right word" series.

"sneak peak"

Which one can only assume is a particularly untrustworthy Alp.

Writing, My Ass

2014-03-31T18:48:00.000-04:00

I’m not a good dieter. I don’t like tracking calories or eating from restrictive food lists or ingesting lab-created zero-calorie chemicals. But nor do I care for the way mindlessly inhaling chips (brain food, you know) while writing has dramatically increased the size of my ass. Dilemma.

That’s why I’m drawn to the 5:2 Diet. Unlike conventional weight loss plans, the 5:2 requires dieting commitment only 2 days per week. Yep, just 2 days. And on those 2 days one can eat absolutely anything one wants – chips, chocolate, champagne* – as long as the total calories for the day is less than 500 (600 for men). So there is some measure of calorie counting, but it’s minimal compared to most diets. Plus, following this sort of intermittent fasting can potentially forestall all sorts of age-related diseases.

Calorie counting twice weekly I can cope with, but “diet foods,” I cannot. Partly because they’re gross, but also because I’m trying desperately to shed my role as a short order cook in which I prepare a different meal for each member of the family. Having at least some of us all enjoying the same foods for at least some of our meals clears up a tremendous amount of time. (All of you who regularly partake of the same meal, well, bully for you.)

Buy from Amazon: Only $.99

So with these thoughts swirling in mind – the size of my ass, writing, brain food, cooking – Nik and I took a short break from our novels and put together a cookbook of 5:2 Diet friendly recipes. The focus is on real ingredients and tasty meals, the type of recipes that don’t feel like diet foods. Muffins, waffles, breakfast casseroles, and my absolute favorites, eggs benedict and huevos rancheros. Stuff that at least one of my sons will eat (both of them if it’s muffins).

We’ve got plans for another handful of cookbooks, too. Writing up the recipes is a nice mental diversion for when my characters start wandering about aimlessly, waiting for me to give them direction (they’re as bad as children, I swear) when I’m mired down with other things. And although I have some ways to go, developing healthy, low calorie recipes has really helped to focus on better nutrition during the writing process.

So stay tuned for book two, we’re hoping to release it by the end of May.

In the meantime, here’s a bonus recipe that I’m betting will bring even my youngest to the family breakfast table:

Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Makes: 8 pancakes

Calories: 140 calories in 2 pancakes (about 88 g per serving**)

The key to keeping these pancakes light and airy is the beaten egg white. Use an electric mixer and whip until stiff peaks form.

2/3 cup flour

2 tsp. baking powder

½ tsp. salt

½ Tbsp. sugar

2 egg whites

2/3 cup milk, fat-free

1/8 cup mini chocolate chips

Spray oil

Sift the flour, baking powder, and salt together in a large mixing bowl. Stir in the sugar, then add the milk and whisk until very smooth. In a separate bowl, sprinkle the egg whites with a pinch of salt and whip into peaks. Fold the egg whites gently into the batter, stirring until just blended. Stir in the chocolate chips.

Spray a griddle with cooking spray and heat to medium. Pour a scant ¼ cup of batter per pancake and cook.

* If you want to blow your calorie allotment on chips, chocolate, and champagne, here's what you get for 500 calories:

- Chocolate: About 3-1/3 ounces

- Chips: About 3-1/3 ounces

- Champagne: About 23 ounces (5.5 flutes)

** How much is 88 grams? Well, one serving of frozen waffles (2 waffles) is about 70 grams and 180 calories. So two of these pancakes are about 25% more food, but with about 20% less calories. And way tastier!

Hornblower and the Monsters from Space

2014-03-17T06:21:00.002-04:00

Well, no, that's not really the title of a book (though it probably should be). I'm actually looking for a bit of help here.

A few years ago I was in a bookshop, a very good one in the UK that's now sadly been eaten up, digested and ejected by a bigger chain. It had little notes scattered around the shelves where staff had their current picks and favourites. One of the recent releases was about a man-of-war sailing ship in the 19th century, but mixed up with fantasy elements: sorry, can't remember the details, just that it sounded really good. I love both naval historical fiction and fantasy books, so this worked for me.

I didn't buy it.

"Why?" you ask, incredulously. "Blowed if I know", I reply.

Anyway, if you happen to have read this book, please, please drop a note in the comments to let me know what it is. The correct answer wins a signed copy of our first physical book, when and if we get one finished and published.

Over to you...

Island of the Sequined Love Nun

2014-03-02T23:51:00.000-05:00

Buy here from Amazon

How does Christopher Moore do it, do you think? Does he get blind drunk on industrial chemicals, chew dictionaries, spit out the words and see how they've landed the next morning? Does he have a madcap Nutty Book Title Generator app for his iPhone? Which came first, the book title or the plot?!

Having loved a couple of the Christopher Moore books earlier this year, this one came to me via Jay, who'd had a bad reaction to one of his vampire novels and was feeling disillusioned. I packed it in my case for a recent trip, and once I'd started reading I was completely hooked: to the extent of ploughing through it whilst I really should have been sleeping off the jet lag.

Without giving away the whole plot, the book revolves around a failed pilot who gets an apparent dream job flying a top-of-the-range Learjet on hops to Japan for a mysterious couple on a Polynesian island, complete with armed guards, a minefield, state-of-the-art medical facilities and a resident cannibal. Go on, work out the plot from that lot, I dare you.

I raved about it to Jay, and I think I may have converted her.

Try it yourself, too.

One book you can judge by its cover!

2014-02-23T01:00:00.000-05:00

The 5:2 Fast Diet: Breakfast Recipes (buy here for only $0.99!)

When we launched our cookbook a few months ago, Jay turned her artistic efforts to the production of a cover. It was OK, but real didn’t stack up against the professionally-designed covers that pop up in an Amazon results list: and let’s face it, there is the temptation to assume that a book with a substandard cover will have substandard content….

So for the princely sum of $10, Jay commissioned a designer somewhere in Eastern Europe to come up with an alternative. In our poll of cover designs last month, it came out top of the choices that we threw into the mix.

And here it is! Our spanking new cover, which offsets the book to perfection. We’re already storming up the sales rankings on the Amazon UK store, and hopefully this will give us a boost in the US. The book sells almost 50 times faster in the UK than in the US at present!

As ever, all feedback gratefully appreciated.

The best fiction of the Twentieth Century?

2014-02-18T11:49:00.001-05:00

The Folio Society Edition

Over the last three years, I've been re-reading the Aubrey/Maturin novels of Patrick O'Brian. The Folio Society reissued them as a beautiful run of illustrated hardbacks, and despite owning the set already (twice...), the new editions were too good to miss. The books have sustained me through many a long-haul flight. Coincidentally, I stumbled across some first editions of the books recently, and had to restrain myself from bankruptcy.

These are astonishingly good books: fantastic works of prose, meticulous in the detail of the period, and simply some of the best works of fiction ever written. Don't just take my word for it.

The books are set in the British Navy during the Napoleonic wars, and follow the fortunes of Jack Aubrey, a naval Captain, and his friend Stephen Maturin, a surgeon and spy. The range of storytelling that O'Brian wraps into that framework is amazing, from the obligatory naval battles to prison breaks in Paris to a trial for Stock Exchange fraud. Many of the stories are based on or set around historical events.

O'Brian published 20 Aubrey/Maturin books in his life. The twenty-first, untitled and unfinished book was published after his death: three Chapters that he had typewritten, and some pages of handwritten drafts. Because the books have a continuous narrative running through each of the individual tales, it's better to have these pages than not at all, though it makes for a greater poignancy than if book 20 had been the end of the story.

Buy from Amazon: The Final Unfinished Voyage of Jack Aubrey

One of the things about the presentation of the two versions of the text in the volume I have of 21 is seeing O'Brian at work as a writer. The words change from his handwritten draft to the typewritten version (and it's observed that he would almost certainly have revised and re-revised even further), always for the better. It's a real lesson to budding writers about the need to rewrite and revise and polish and polish and polish in order to make a text the best it can be.

O'Brian's works will outlive most of the fiction of the last century, because it's as near to perfection as he could make it. If you haven't experienced one of his books, now is the time to change that.

For me, it's back to the start with Master and Commander for my next trip away. Can't wait!

Buy from Amazon: The Complete Aubrey/Maturin Novels

More on judging a book by its cover: We need your help! #52Diet #Cooking

2014-02-10T07:49:00.000-05:00

We need your help!

We’ve recently published our first book - yay! It’s not one of the almost half-dozen of novels we have in the works (see the sidebar to the right for progress on some of these), but a collection of breakfast recipes for followers of the 5:2 Diet, or anyone looking for low-calorie meal ideas. (See our announcement here: How to lose weight whilst drinking champagne and eating cakes.)

Formatting was a nightmare and we made our share of newbie e-publishing blunders, but we persevered, stumbling our way through the process, and ended up with something that reads well and looks okay.

Well, looks okay as long as you bypass the cover.

And therein lies the problem. Our cover is crap.

But luckily, I had some time on my hands over winter break to consider alternate designs. At the end of this post is an array of new cover concepts that we're considering. Some are professionally-designed (more on this experience in a future post) while others were put together with Gimp (and a healthy dose of cursing). Ignore the watermarks on the photos – once we select a final design we'll replace with high res.

Please use the voting buttons at the end of the post to select the design (or designs) that appeals most to you, and those that turn you off. For marketing purposes, please indicate which Amazon you shop at most regularly. If you have any suggestions or other thoughts to share, please leave a comment.

Thank you and happy voting!

Start at the beginning. Or maybe the middle is better. But not the end.

2014-02-05T16:22:00.002-05:00

For years and years and years now, one of the things that most defines Christmas for me is receiving the latest Terry Pratchett book as a present. At some point over the holiday, I would find a comfy spot and, with consumption of copious quantities of tea, chocolate, and cake, I would read the book from cover to cover.

Yep, I love his books: but I have a problem. I want to recommend them to Jay, but don't know where to tell her to start.

For those not in the know, Pratchett sets his books on the Discworld: literally a disc, carried through the heavens on four elephants standing on the back of a turtle. One can literally fall off the edge of the world. Magic is real (though wizards are pretty incompetent) and Death pops up as a recurring character WHO TALKS LIKE THIS.

These aren't just frothy fantasy, though; well, perhaps some of the early ones are. They are very, very, very funny. Pratchett uses the books to make all sorts of social commentary far better than most "serious" writers. The Discworld changes and evolves.

Buy Raising Steam on Amazon

My favourite books are some of the ones from about the tenth book in the series or so (there are now 40). Pratchett had found his stride and had risen above frothy fantasy. He has a range of recurring characters, from Rincewind the cowardly wizard (accompanied by the Luggage, a trunk on legs containing, depending on its mood, anything from folded laundry to violent death) to Commander Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork city watch.

So where to start Jay off? The latest book, Raising Steam, isn't where to start. It's a fun homage to steam trains and the railway boom of the 1800s. It has more recurring characters than one can shake a stick at. To a newbie, it would be utterly bemusing. It failed to grab even me to the extent of his earlier books. That's not to say that he's losing his touch: book 38 is stunning!

Buy The Colour of Magic on Amazon

Do I take a similar risk by setting off Jay on book 10 or 20? The problem was solved for me by a lady in a second-hand bookshop eavesdropping as I agonised over what to do. She said that Jay should start at the beginning.

So, Jay: The Colour of Magic. Off you go.

Captain's Log: Supplemental. Having finished this post I stumbled across this on the net. Look! Multiple start points! I'm still sending Jay back to the start, though.

I Judged a Book by its Cover

2014-01-07T09:19:00.003-05:00

My local library has a little display section where the staff select a range of books that changes week by week. I suppose I should ask them what the criteria are. I generally have a flick through to see if there's anything interesting. Usually there isn't: fantasy, crime, romance, chick-lit, and so on. My technique is to browse by cover, title, read the blurb if it looks promising, then flick open and check the prose. Few make it through this rigorous process of selection and grading.

Buy Fire Spell on Amazon

One that did is "Fire Spell" by Laura Amy Schlitz. Lovely cover, of a marionette silhouetted against the London skyline. The prose definitely passed muster. So I borrowed it.

(In the US the book is published as "Splendors and Glooms", a decidedly odd title that seems to have nothing to do with the story at all!)

I really enjoyed this book. It's a fantasy novel, I suppose, though categorising it like that doesn't really do it justice. The core of the tale is an ageing witch trying to rid herself of the fire stone, the source of her power that both sustains and torments her. The main characters, though, are London orphans-cum-urchins, who work for an itinerant showman who makes his money, such as it is, from his marionette show, his fantocini. He's also an aspiring magician and former flame of the witch. There's also a young girl, Clara, daughter to a doctor and his wife who lost their other children to cholera and who live in a permanent display of mourning and grief.

Mix all this together and what comes out is a rich tale that brilliantly evokes late-19th-century London, the hopelessness of the orphans, and the tragedy of Clara, without being saccharine or maudlin or straying into the silliness that often accompanies any novel with a fantasy tag. The story starts with the showman being invited to perform for Clara's birthday, upon which he kidnaps her to ransom, using the opportunity to try out some nasty magic on her at the same time. The witch throws a spanner in his plans, summoning him to find a way of the fire stone being stolen from her, the only way she can be free of it.

I won't go on, as you need to discover the rest for yourself. It's also a good book for advancing readers: my ten-year-old picked it up, browsed it, stole it, and I ended up with an overdue fine from the library as a result.

To comma or not to comma?

2014-01-07T08:24:00.000-05:00

Full disclosure: I like commas, always have. They’re cheap, widely available, and so darned cute. And I fully admit to overusing them, on occasion. Like now, for instance. Did I need the comma between “overusing them” and “on occasion”? Nope, not at all. The sentence would’ve read fine without it. I just like 'em.

But while some commas are optional, one must-have comma, ground into me since childhood grammar lessons, is the “serial comma.” This is the one that precedes the “and” or “or” at the end of the list, and is 100% non-negotiable (well, for me at least). For example, if one were going to pack for an exciting trip abroad:

Correct: She packed her stockings, garters, and heels.

Incorrect: She packed her stockings, garters and heels.

So when Nik and I started writing together, I was amazed that he omits, more often than not, the serial comma. I know times are tough and we all need to economize, but there are many more commas I’d cut before the serial.

The great comma debate: Well, as it turns out, the serial comma, also known as the Oxford comma, isn’t blindly used across the UK. In fact, as I started Googling the situation, it seems that there’s something of a raging debate over said comma, the so-called Oxford-Cambridge divide.

Now far be it from me to insert myself in a centuries-old feud, but here’s a quick who’s who:

Team Comma:

The US Government Printing Office Style Manual

The Chicago Manual of Style

Elements of Style - Strunk and White

MLA Style Manual

The Oxford Style Manual

Team Only-When-Necessary-to-Avoid-Ambiguity:

Style guides for The Guardian, The Times, The NY Times, and The Economist

The Australian Government Style Manual

The Cambridge Guide to English Usage

For lack of a comma. One of the most famous examples of the ambiguity that can result from a missing serial comma comes from a documentary of Peter Ustinov published, somewhat ironically, in The Times (“Planet Ustinov,” 22 Nov 1998):

“highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.”

Not knowing how Mr Mandela occupied himself in his spare time, I can’t comment on his alleged collection. And he could've be a demigod, for all I know. But I’m fairly certain he wasn't 800 years old.

Here are some more examples, I’m making these up in my head as I fold the laundry:

Happy to be home, he hugged his sons, Charlene and Abigail.

Touring the city, she purchased gifts for her mother, lace panties and cigars.

He visited his aunt’s house, a massage parlor and a bookstore.

See? I could go on and on.

Fully admitting my bias, I think Garner’s American Usage has the best take on the situation:

“Whether to include the serial comma has sparked many arguments. But it’s easily answered in favor of inclusion because omitting the final comma many cause ambiguities, whereas including it never will.”

Or will it? Try as I might, I can’t seem to come up with an example where my beloved serial comma actually introduces ambiguity. Can you?

Beautiful books

2014-01-01T12:18:00.000-05:00

Season's greetings to all of our readers. We hope that you're both well...

Book cover by Slightly Foxed

I had a nice bumper crop of books for Christmas. I'll review them in good time, but right now I want to wax lyrical about some absolutely gorgeous books that arrived in my stocking and under the tree.

The first is the Complete Calvin and Hobbes set. If you haven't heard of Calvin and Hobbes, then welcome to Earth and stay clear of Chernobyl unless your species is radiation-tolerant. C&H is one of the best of all the long-running newspaper cartoons. Not long-enough running in my view: the artist, Bill Watterson, gave up exhausted after battling the constraints imposed by newspaper editors who would cut sections out of his beautifully-drawn cartoons so as not to put any effort into their page layouts. Shame on them.

Anyway, the collection was a real surprise. Incredibly weighty, astonishingly high quality printing, and each book separated from the others by a paper slip case. Wow. That's attention to detail.

The other one is from a company that I've had my eye on for a while, a London bookshop that has branched out into publishing new, limited-run editions of out-of-print books (https://foxedquarterly.com/home/books/). I read a review of them a few months ago, focussing on the binding of their books, which are really things of beauty: hand finished, lovely quality, and the cover embossed with their logo. At £20 each, they're a bargain. (I'm not on commission here!) I've been watching their catalogue for a while, and a book popped up that caught my fancy: Period Piece, a memoir of turn-of-the century Cambridge written by Gwen Raverat, Charles Darwin's grand-daughter. I'll leave the last word to her, describing the river Cam at the time:

"I can remember the smell very well, for all the sewage went into the river, till the town was at last properly drained when I was about ten years old. There is a tale of Queen Victoria being shown over Trinity by the Master, Dr Whewell, and saying, as she looked down over the bridge: "What are all those pieces of paper floating down the river?" To which, with great presence of mind, he replied: "Those, ma'am, are notices that bathing is forbidden".

Period Piece, by Gwen Raverat

The Blarney Stone Blog - 2013's Top Five

2013-12-26T18:05:00.000-05:00

Our year in review, courtesy of wordle.com

While Nik and I aren't the most consistent of bloggers, we published 35 posts this year (36 with this one), not counting the ones we mothballed during spring cleaning. So an average of 3 posts per month - not bad, really, for casual bloggers, both with full-time jobs, and working in the off-hours on multiple works of fiction and non-fiction. One of which we've actually published this year! - see How to lose weight whilst drinking champagne and eating cakes

Like most blogs, some posts get insane amounts of views while others fizzle out quickly. Summing up the year, here's what's floated to the top:

1. I sent my kid to school naked - A humorous look at writing mishaps that has absolutely nothing to do with real-live naked people, online casino gambling, or get-rich-quick schemes, despite the best attempts by spammers worldwide.

2. Nominative and accusative. Damn me, Ben Aaronovitch - Grammar mishaps in Aaronovitch's Peter Grant Series. My favorite comment by author Andi-Roo at TheWorldForRealz:

I love this! Other people's bad writing makes me feel superior. Now if I could just get my arse in gear, I'm guaranteed a place in publishing.

3. A thousand words is worth not having to draw a picture: A short review of a 14-page user manual for noise-cancelling headphones. (SPOILER ALERT: Put over ears. Plug in.)

4. The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cover: How an awesome book title can really rope one in. And as a bonus, how to work the phrase "fantastical pastiche" into everyday conversation.

5. The breastfeeder's guide to management: Weird stuff I found while cleaning my bookshelves. Up for grabs still if anyone's interested...

Okay, then. Here's to a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year to all of our readers, past and future.