Don't Drink the Lithia Water

Barista: Hi, how are you doin'?

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 15:13:10 -0700

Barista: Hi, how are you doin'?
Bicyclist with Soul Patch: I'm well...

Local Psychiatrist Broadens Field

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 14:59:55 -0700

When asked what kind of psychiatry she does, she says that she’s “still working on it,” and that she gets “folks off their meds,” lets “them work on their emotional crisis” and opens “them up to their spiritual awakening.” Overhearing this, Kay Redfield Jamison rolls her eyes.

Black Swan

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 01:15:58 -0700

Tsunami and nuclear fallout strike Japan. Back in New York, Nassim Taleb giggles.

"Grains are a relatively recent addition to our diet–10,000 years ago. Our bodies haven’t..."

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 18:07:00 -0800

“Grains are a relatively recent addition to our diet–10,000 years ago. Our bodies haven’t evolved to eat them. Plus, grains are coated in anti-nutrients, you know, because they don’t want to be eaten.”

- Paleolithic Dieter

Ashland Man Rediscovers Medford

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 23:23:25 -0800

A local man reflected on his recent once-a-year trek to Medford that he had forgotten that big box stories exist. Every year he visits Costco to stock up, and every year he forgets it’s there. “Those poor people,” he said, “having to shop at Fred Meyer. I’m going to give more to charity.” He went on to say that “they have taco stands over there!”

Century-Old Anthropology not Dead

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:03:51 -0800

Her: They wear such bright colors over there. Do you think it has something to do with the light, or?
Him: It has something to do with their proximity to the e-qua-tor, I think.
Her: That's interesting. What do you mean?
Him: Well it's a tropical climate, you know. Everything's more colorful in the tropics, the birds and the flowers and everything. And the people there, of course, they imitate all that color. If they did a study I sure bet they'd find a correlation between climate and dress!
Her: Oh, wow.

Mr. Spectacle Goes About Day

Sun, 27 Feb 2011 23:55:46 -0800

Navy double-breasted suit, red tie crosses an Ashland Street intersection singing “play that funky music white boy” at the top of his lungs. In a walking interview he denied rumors that he is not human and/or doesn’t sleep.

Betsy Bishop and Michelle Zundel Unwittingly Disagree

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 22:41:02 -0800

Ashland High School principal Michelle Zundel forms a committee to curb suggestive dancing among students. Meanwhile, the AHS theater department puts on “Chicago”.

"GOD, I HATED BEING PREGNANT. I’ve been knocked-up SO many times. Like, I’m not gonna..."

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:08:16 -0800

“GOD, I HATED BEING PREGNANT. I’ve been knocked-up SO many times. Like, I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had four or five abortions, at least. Like, getting pregnant sucks SO hard. You just get fat and you can’t poop. I seriously, like, hated it so much. But I REALLY want kids! You know, some day. I just don’t see how women can like it. It’s, like, so gross.”

Snow Plow Ethics Questioned

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 13:52:00 -0800

Following the snow storm this morning, some residents near Ashland Hospital placed signs outside their homes requesting that their street not be plowed. The signs deemed the practice “unnatural,” likening it to prematurely cutting a newborn’s umbilical cord. Some signs accompanied this with images of crying babies. Additionally the signs questioned the use of fossil fuels to move water down a hill, where “all water ends up anyway.” Snow plow operators who did not lift their plows briefly in front of the protesting households refused to comment.

Time Travel Real?

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 13:41:25 -0800

A very tall Cossack showed up in Noble Coffee yesterday. Although he spoke at great length on metaphysical subjects in fluent English and ordered a dry cappuccino, authorities are looking into the possibility of time travel.

Local Guru Solves Life

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 01:03:20 -0800

Today a helpful guru in his ceremonial scarf dispensed the sage observation that when his pupil was a teenager and did not experiment with drinking, she was afraid, really, of herself. The pupil was so amazed by the wisdom that she was speechless.

Water Spilled on Mix Floor

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 00:59:00 -0800

A child discovered how to use the water spigot in Mix today. Her mother declared a state of emergency, yelling that the child had had enough water, and did not need to pour herself more. Due to a Mix employee’s decisive action, flooding was averted. The mother stated that she would organize a parade in his honor that would include floats in the shape of towels.

New Market of Choice Cashier Disturbingly Cheery

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 00:53:00 -0800

Customers say that although they have looked closely, they have not noticed any mind-control electrodes. Some speculated that she may be hiding speed on her person. One other said “she must have one scary-ass boss.”

"I saw her Angel Dance"

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 15:19:27 -0800

“I saw her Angel Dance”

How to Grow Old

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 19:42:56 -0800

When you’re 70 you had better wear ratty track suits and pucker your lips when you see yourself in a mirror. Otherwise you’re just not living.

HOT

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 19:31:16 -0800

Sarongs over pants.

"Hey dude, nice kicks."

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 19:25:12 -0800

“Hey dude, nice kicks.”

- Boy Trying to Dispel Boy-on-Boy Awkwardness

OCD Cardio

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 23:41:56 -0800

Local man uses surveying equipment to measure how long his walk to White Rabbit Trailhead really is.

Who?

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 20:42:57 -0800

Mismatching converse, green slacks, psychedelic bow-tie, brown tweed coat, crosses Walker Avenue, singing. Surprisingly, the song is not the Doctor’s theme.