Little haven

Let's Be There For One Another

2017-03-01T16:42:00.001-08:00

The more I experience and learn about depression and anxiety, I have understood one major aspect: People make a difference.

There have been long years that I covered up my anxiety and suppressed it successfully while at the same time never really being able to connect with people in an authentic way or even being able to remember events and people.
In the last years I have worked through a lot of stuff from my past and eventually the point came, when I got back to the old me, that I had covered up and never really healed, the Me that suffered greatly from anxiety attacks.
Now I got to the next point: I bought a book about Fear by the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh. And while a lot of content was repetitive and not so new to me, there was one strong reminder in that book: Seek yourself a sangha, a group of people that are near to your heart and that support you. People that you can come to and say: "Dear ones, I suffer." and that will reply: "I am here for you." (and of course it's also true the other way round)
Once more I understood how important it is to have a sangha.
Depression again is a form of suppressing feelings and thoughts. It occurs when we don't live up to our true selves. And something else: I know that if you are depressed, it can feel very tough and hard at times. But actually depression is something very selfish and egoistic. It means you are stuck inside of your head losing the sense for your outer world and the suffering and pain that happens there. You are focused on your suffering so much that you don't feel other people anymore.
So it's all interconnected. We need other people to support us and we need to support others.

Yesterday something very shocking happened. A human that had only touched my life in a very gentle way has ended his life.
And now there are so many questions that I ask myself but have noone to ask. Why did this human being do that? And what, if we all would have been a little more present, a little more open and welcoming and inviting?

So please take this as an invitation for us all to let our light shine, do good and be there for one another.

Are you acting like an empty shell?

2016-09-04T15:08:00.001-07:00

I just realized how I never ever again want to be an empty shell.
Maybe you know these thoughts that I had some five to ten years ago. I thought I need to act as if I am fine, just because other people tend to like people who are fine more than people who are not. Or because I thought that people only want to see the nice and shiny bits, even if they are not real.
My thoughts were so wrong.
I thought I have to act like I am okay. But that made me exhaustingly inauthentic.
I don't want to cultivate bathing in drama, not at all. I also don't want to annoy or even burden my close friends with my emotional garbage.
But I also don't want to act as if I am fine when I'm not. I'll just tell people that I am feeling quite odd, maybe I'll just take more time for myself. Or I'll share my feelings with someone who is okay with it and has the time and energy at that moment and can distance him or herself. I guess I'll mention my emotional state and warn the people and I really want to give them all of my understanding and love if they aren't ready to cope with me. That's okay.
I just won't be an empty shell anymore.
And I love all of the people around me. Everything is fine. It's okay the way it is. All feelings are okay. I am feeling God or Life or however the Unnameable shall be named in such a strong way. I know everything is okay, everything is going the right way.

Long time has passed ...

2015-12-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

I feel deeply at peace.

Months have passed.
There was so much.
Challenges. Old and new people. And a new place.

There have been beautiful weekends, this one included.
People have come to visit me with whom I share a deep bond. I am very grateful that they are a part of my life.

On one of my first weekends here, I got to know the old mine from nearby. It was amazing to walk through these old mine shafts and breathe the gentle wind that is circulating 400 metres or more underground.

I took advantage of the last days of autumn and walked up the hill to the old castle. We enjoyed the view and the last coloured leaves.

On halloween, we cut pumpkins and I arranged them in front of our front door.

Not only I have been visited, I also took the train to see one of my dearest friends.

We walked through the city and talked for hours and hours.

While I'm writing this I'm listening to improvisations by Ólafur Arnalds. I'm just exploring his music.

This weekend has been a blessing.

A Birthday In The Mountains And A Happy Easter

2015-04-12T13:58:00.001-07:00

Finally there is peace again.
I'm so happy to look into this new phase.

Spring has slowly arrived and the days are becoming longer and the air is full of new smells and sounds.

As our dear relative celebrated her birthday, she gathered her friends and family in a house in the Alps.

There were friendly guests, delicious food and nice conversations.
What more could you wish for a birthday?

After the weekend, we took a train to Munich.

We walked through the city near the Stachus and visited the Oberpollinger shopping centre.

The churches like the Bürgersaalkirche or St Michael charmed with their historical designs.

There was an exhibition about art from the rococo era.

This sweet couple by Roman Anton Boos was part of the exhibition and symbolizes true love.

On one of our free days, we walked a tiny part of the Camino de Santiago.

Two lovely friends came with us. It was a beautiful hike through little towns and the forest.

Around the Easter days, our family met in order to have brunch.

The table was full of breadrolls, cheese, tomatoes, olives, artichoke, eggs, tea and a lot more.

I also met good friends to watch a movie or to bake a paschal lamb.

There were so many stories to tell, so many tears of laughter to lose.

The Importance of Rests

2015-03-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

The last two months have been stressful for me and the next two weeks will be similar.

This made me thinking of rests.

Like the short rests inbetween.
A walk through the forest nearby, a little nap like our cat enjoys for hours a day.

Because we are allowed to take rests.

Sometimes the beauty lies in the silent things.

We only need to open our hearts to them and enjoy these little things.

I try to get enough sleep. And have rests ... like going on a walk, drinking a cup of tea, meeting nice people and doing some sports.

And two weeks from now this time will be over and I am looking into a new chapter , where old and new people and challenges are awaiting me; new memories to be formed.

Days On A Small Island

2015-01-03T15:17:00.000-08:00

I have spent my last days of 2014 on a small northern island with friends.
It was ice cold and there were harsh winds which rounded our winter trip up and made it perfect.

My friends had made roasted almonds with different tastes (orange, coconut, chocolate, coffee, ...) and shared them with us.
I liked this creative idea a lot.

On our first night, we went to the beach where the wind rushed across the sea and raised some of the sand.

It was beautiful - as well as the clear sky with its stars and its moon.

On the next day, I took time to sleep. It was very cozy and warm and relaxing.

In the afternoon, we walked to the end of the island: all in all 16 km.

We passed pastures with horses and sheep and small houses in the middle of this peaceful and lonely nowhere.

Before reaching the sea, we crossed a swampy area with tide-ways and muddy pits.

Eventually we had to jump across the tide-ways and sometimes one of us fell into the mud which made us laugh.

When we reached the end of the island, the sun had set.

We had to use our torches to write our names on the wooden hut.

The hut is covered with names and dates and every time the person or family comes back, another date is added.

On the evenings, we played games. And there were even three "big games": the "night's game", the "giving game" and the "music game".

The Music Game: Two groups compete. You have to guess names of songs by listening to the music or texts, sometimes the music is played backward or there are several songs at one time.

The Giving Game: Everyone gets a small piece of paper on which stands a name. Only you know what name you got. You have to "kill" the person by giving him/her something. Yes, I survived !!!

The Night's Game: Four groups compete. You walk through the forest and search for little lights in your color. Each light gives you a hint to the treasure. The group that finds the treasure wins.

On one afternoon, we visited the town and its nice little shops.

We found shelves full of comfortable slippers and tried some on.

They tell a story.

There was a woman that stood with a lamp at the shore each night and all ships that saw her capsized. The woman took what she could use.
Until her own son was on the boat and died.
Since then she haunts the beaches.

I wonder why they tell such stories. Maybe the cold makes you gather in the dark nights and tell each other spooky stories.

On New Year's Eve we drove to the light house on the other side of the island.

We climbed the steps up to the top when the sun set and the lights were turned on and started rotating for the ships.

It was symbolic in many ways. We stood up there, the wind stroking our skin and our view wide across the land and the sea while the night began: The transition to the new year.

I wish you a happy new year with all my heart. I'm excited ... What will 2015 bring?

Christmas Holidays

2014-12-26T07:53:00.000-08:00

It's a very quiet day today. My family keeps itself busy with reading and resting and the house is almost utterly silent.
I enjoy every second of this peace.

It began on christmas eve. We gathered our closest family to eat potato salad with eggs and cookies for dessert.
We also made children's punch, the recipe is easy and it tastes good:

Children's punch

Make some tea out of hibiscus and red fruit.

Mix sugar and some christmas spices* into it and cook everything for about ten minutes.

We attended the evening service with a little choir on the gallery.

The priest had brought a light from the next cathedral. Every visitor got a candle and lit the candle next to him or her. It was beautiful and I liked the symbol very much.

One of our presents was this delicious little house from Grimm's fairy tale "Hansel and Gretel".

I can't wait to nibble from it but I have to wait for the consent of all family members.

On the next day we met our bigger family and there was a feast of fondue and raclette with little bowls full of different kinds of groceries, salad, meat and cheese.
As a side dish we had potatoes and bread and as dessert tiramisu and cookies. It was the perfect combination to meet all different tastes and diets.

Before gift giving, we started singing christmas songs, some of them self-composed and it was pure joy to merge our voices into canons and part music.

* (rose hip, clove, star-anise, orange, cinnamon, currents, vanilla - or you can just use convenience blends)

Take a deep breath

2014-12-24T03:06:00.001-08:00

There is nothing more valuable than the moment you have right now. Take a deep breath. Taste the air. Close your eyes and feel your existence.

This is what life feels like. Breathing. Feeling. Being there in the present moment. You cannot change your past and you can only restrictedly control what will be. But you can live. Every single moment. In the now.

It's christmas. The time of the year where we remind ourselves of our beloved ones. Love means life. Love is about special persons and about all people, the earth and life at the same time.

Be good to yourself.

Take a rest.

Meet people.

Get inspired.

I wish you all a merry christmas.

Pre-christmas post

2014-12-14T14:37:00.003-08:00

I know I won't be able to write for the next ten days and there has been so much. I'm not the kind of person that longs for these full and chaotic days but somehow the last two months were exactly that kind of days. I have had loads of wonderful and inspiring moments, conversations, time with friends and family.

There was the last Hobbit-movie on Thursday evening and although I usually hide my face when there are fights, I was totally okay with the dead orks. We were a fun group of people and I talked to a good friend of mine for a long time until it was at least 2 a.m. in the morning.

And I watched Interstellar on Friday night (after a long day and doing sports, wow, where did I get my energy from?).
I loved this film. Not only because of the immediate bond between Cooper and me of being an engineer, but also because of the high emotional parts. I wanted to call my family right during the movie. And at the end of the movie tears came into my eyes and I secretly wiped them away. This movie was an artwork.
Of course the depiction of several dimensions and some other physical relations can be questioned, but this was just a perfect piece of art.

And then I went christmas shopping.
I'm really inspired to do something creative this year and I was overwhelmed by the ideas on the internet. I got to know that those little jars and fairy lights aren't expensive and I can turn them into personal little presents which means it's not only fun to give them to your friends or family but also to create them.

In the evening, I made christmas cookies with a good friend of mine, and we put a lot of effort and love into it, and decorated them with chocolate, sugar icing, nuts and little sugar beads.

Today I attended the evening service. My choir sang and some of my close family and friends came to listen, I was very grateful to see them there.

How do you spend your last days before the christmas holidays begin?

A world full of amazing ...

2014-11-21T00:42:00.000-08:00

… people! It has taken some time until I opened my mind to this very overwhelming and cool part of our world.

I do not think of any stars and great personalities that the media or books cherish. I mean those people that you meet in everyday life and that do great jobs, that give you a smile and a good feeling.

I originally planned to start a list but the more I thought about it, the more people came to my mind: Never forget that you are one.

My mother definitely is also one of them.
That's what we gave her as a birthday present. This little sculpture has been created by someone living in a home for disabled people and it depicts a reader. I knew it would make my mother smile.

Who do you think of first as an amazing person?

Friday musings

2014-11-14T11:33:00.001-08:00

It's Friday. The week slowly comes to its end. There have been lots of events in the last days.

We had this really wonderful (St Martin's) lantern procession on Wednesday evening with its lights and songs and a little walk through the dark.

And my friend celebrated her birthday on the next evening. She offered many kinds of dishes and our group was a multicultural get-together with interesting conversations.

I have also fulfilled a wish that I had for a long time: I have bought a small camera. So I went for a walk on Thursday when the sun was shining and the sky was blue and I started to test how my new camera works.

Autumn is beautiful. Don't you think?