Living in the Whine Country

Gotta love this doctor :)

Patrick Havens — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 19:00:07 +0000

This I’m sure must be an old joke since it was forwarded on to me. But I hadn’t seen it and there was so many grains of truth I started laughing.

I wonder if he is taking patients?
I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable) And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain….good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND……

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

100 Funny One-Liners

Patrick Havens — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 07:54:29 +0000

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men
can
fake a
whole relationship.But men can fake a whole relationship.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”“I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
When in doubt, mumble.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

[via Encyclopedia of Humor]

Those holiday pounds did count…

Patrick Havens — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 05:09:38 +0000

When a dating site desired to trim its rolls of those who had gotten the most complaints about being the most problematic… actually no. Those whose posted pictures showing they gained a little over the holidays.

BeautifulPeople.com made more than 5,000 users re-apply after they posted pictures of themselves looking chubbier than usual celebrating the festive season.

Existing members were asked to decide if they were still pretty enough to be part of the website.

Only a few hundred were allowed back in.

The site, which bans so-called “ugly people” and calls itself an “exclusively beautiful community”, said it was responding to complaints from its customers.

Founder Robert Hintze said: “As a business, we mourn the loss of any member, but the fact remains that our members demand the high standard of beauty be upheld.

“Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.”

Managing director Greg Hodge said: “People can be big and beautiful but it doesn’t suit everyone. If you join as a size six, or with ripped abs and a slim physique, you have to maintain this look or expect to be re-rated.

“Remember this is the opinion of our members, who have the final and completely democratic vote on who is let in or cast out of their community.”

Most of the people who were kicked off the site were from the US, the UK and Canada.

Managers sent them emails encouraging them to reapply when they have slimmed down.

[via Sky News]

So what do you think. Will they gain 50,000 or 500,000 new members?

Paintball and a Warhol standard…

Patrick Havens — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 04:07:12 +0000

Andy Warhol was famous for his pop art stylings of famous people of the time. One of his most iconic subjects was the sex symbol Marlyn Monroe. And paintballers decide to do homage to the below work.

Here is a great example an usual art technique using a different… medium.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It must be Christmas Time…

Patrick Havens — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:13:47 +0000

Even Bob Dylan has put out a Christmas Song….

Accordion Music?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Microfluidic Chips out of Shrinky Dinks?

Patrick Havens — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:02:20 +0000

I love out of the box thinking, and here is a person who took a complicated process and simplified it enough that I’d almost call it revolutionary.

Michelle Khine arrived at the University of California’s brand-new Merced campus in 2006 eager. She was experimenting with tiny liquid-filled channels in hopes of devising chip-based diagnostic tests, a discipline called microfluidics. The trouble was, the specialized equipment that she previously used to make microfluidic chips cost more than $100,000 . Money she didn’t have. “I’m a very impatient person,” says Khine, now an assistant professor at the University of California, Irvine. “I wanted to figure out how I could set things up really quickly.”

Racking her brain for a quick-and-dirty way to make microfluidic devices, Khine remembered her favorite childhood toy: Shrinky Dinks, large sheets of thin plastic that can be colored with paint or ink and then shrunk in a hot oven. “I thought if I could print out the [designs] at a certain resolution and then make them shrink, I could make channels the right size for microfluidics,” she says.

To test her idea, she whipped up a channel design in AutoCAD, printed it out on Shrinky Dink material using a laser printer, and stuck the result in a toaster oven. As the plastic shrank, the ink particles on its surface clumped together, forming tiny ridges. That was exactly the effect Khine wanted. When she poured a flexible polymer known as PDMS onto the surface of the cooled Shrinky Dink, the ink ridges created tiny channels in the surface of the polymer as it hardened. She pulled the PDMS away from the Shrinky Dink mold, and voilà: a finished microfluidic device that cost less than a fast-food meal.

Khine began using the chips in her experiments, but she didn’t view her toaster-oven hack as a breakthrough right away. “I thought it would be something to hold me over until we got the proper equipment in place,” she says. But when she published a short paper about her technique, she was floored by the response she got from scientists all over the world. “I had
no
idea people
were going to
be so interested,”“I had no idea people were going to be so interested,” Khine says.

At the same time, she faced considerable skepticism. How on earth, critics wondered, could you use a toy to make a sophisticated device that’s normally forged from high-grade silicon? “People either love it or they laugh at me,” Khine says. She hastens to point out that Shrinky Dink microfluidics isn’t perfect–minute ink splatters from the printer, for instance, can give rise to slight irregularities in the finished channels.

Still, glitches like these don’t pose a problem for most applications. And Khine has already found a way around a more serious difficulty: PDMS can absorb proteins, throwing off the results of sensitive tests. She has begun to make chips directly out of the Shrinky Dinks by etching the design into the plastic using syringe tips. As the plastic shrinks, the channels become narrower and deeper–perfect for microfluidics. She can even make three-dimensional chips by melting several etched Shrinky Dinks together. The whole process, from design to finished chip, takes only minutes.

Khine plans to use her chips to detect various medical conditions, and she hopes the cheap and portable devices will someday be used to diagnose HIV and other infections at the bedside. She has also found that by growing stem cells in a Shrinky Dink device that contains wells instead of channels, she can coax them to become heart muscle cells. Such a tool might allow researchers trying to grow those cells for tissue transplants to control the process more closely.

[via Technology Review]

I went looking for a comment from the company that makes Shrinky Dinks. I’d be curious in what they would think of it. After all its a new market…

Declare war and have that countries defense industry support you…

Patrick Havens — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:54:48 +0000

I have run across many full things and stories in my life. But this is one which I hope is real, just because it’d make it finnier. Plus, I could very well see it occurring. I wasn’t involved, I just happened to see this scraped and thought you may enjoy it.

There’s the guy Jeff I work with, real smart guy. Has a past, though. One of the things he told me about from his college was too strange not to share. He told me this story after I told him were my relatives lived.

He and his friends declared war on Sweden.

No, really. It started when one of his friends wanted to start a Scrabble group, and I forgot what the name was, but the initials were SAAB. So he tried to register saab.com, only to find it was taken! By a Swedish car manufacturer, even! Well, he got mad, and while slightly drunk, declared war on Sweden. He wrote this letter, formally declaring war on Sweden, and sent it to the Swedish Embassy, The King of Sweden, and SAAB headquarters in Sweden. The letter outlined their rage at the name SAAB being stolen, and said that they would get their Navy, which consisted of three college guys and a canoe, row to Sweden (which they anticipated would take a few months), and attack in one of Stockholm’s harbors after they had a bite to eat.

A few months later, they got a box from Sweden. It was from the SAAB headquarters, and it had a letter of its own. SAAB said that they were sorry the name had been taken, and hoped the package arrived before their Navy departed. The explained that SAAB didn’t just make cars, but engines for military aircraft, and hoped that their contribution of an air force to their Navy war on Sweden would be taken as a formal apology.

The package contained about 100 of those “ready-to-assemble” balsa wood kits of rubber-band driven airplanes. With the SAAB logo, of course.

That is really cool! I am glad to say the people at SAAB have a good sense of humor.

[via Punkadyne Labs]

Polaroid resumes production In 2010

Patrick Havens — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 08:07:01 +0000

So start the way back machine and remember that cult like popular camera that allowed yo you see your picture immediately. The format died as digital cameras and the ability to easily print pictures became wide spread.

Well after declaring bankruptcy and shutting down the film division. It looks like they’ll be producing Polaroid cameras and film again. In a lot of ways I’m not surprised… I constantly hear people note that they miss those days of instant gratification.

The Impossible Project inspires Polaroid to re-launch Instant Cameras

We are pleased to herewith announce a history making cooperation between Polaroid and The Impossible Project:

As we have created quite some buzz about Analog Instant Photography over the past 12 months, the Polaroid licensee – The Summit Global Group – now can’t resist any longer and announced at a press conference on October 13th in Hongkong that they will re-launch some of the most famous Polaroid Instant Cameras.

Therefore they are commissioning The Impossible Project to develop and produce a limited edition of Polaroid branded Instant Films in the middle of 2010.

The Impossible Project is proud and excited that its ambitions and all the relentless work that has already been invested are now becoming the foundation for Polaroid’s comeback as a producer of Instant Cameras.

Large-scale production and worldwide sale of The Impossible Project’s new integral film materials under its own brand will already start in the beginning of 2010 – with a brand new and astonishing black and white Instant Film and the first colour films to follow in the course of the year.

[via The Impossible Project]

I originally ran across this on Pedestrian.tv.

If I sell her off, no one will notice…

Patrick Havens — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:13:35 +0000

In a case of I just want to get rid of you. Instead of forcing a grandparent into a home, a 10 year old girl thought she might as well make some money off her…. until eBay stopped her.

Internet auction site eBay stopped a 10-year-old girl’s attempt to auction off her “moaning” granny online.

Zoe Pemberton from southern England put her 61-year-old grandmother up for sale on the auction website with no reserve price, describing her as “rare and annoying and moaning a lot.”

But she also said pensioner Marian Goodall was “very cuddly,” loved word searches and enjoyed drinking tea.

More than 20 bids were received for Goodall, but she has since been withdrawn from the site, eBay said.

“While no doubt Mrs. Goodall would have fetched a princely sum, eBay does not allow the listing of any human being on the site,” an eBay spokeswoman said in an emailed statement.

“Mind you, we were impressed to see a total of 27 bids for the lady in question!”

[via Reuters]

I’d be curious on how many where actually real bids and how many where fake. Also it doesn’t explain why the 10 year had done it. Was the grandmother lonely and this was her idea to get her company? Was she mad at the grandmother and figured to get rid of her? Also the child was 10 years old, and could put together an auction? People pay big bucks for other people to do it, since they can’t figure it out themselves.

A funny situation and considering all the unusual things you find on eBay one of the more MORE unusual ones.

Don’t have time to sit around watching YouTube?

Patrick Havens — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 00:36:50 +0000

then all you need is 4 minutes…

Major props to Scott Beale for pointing this video out. It is entertaining.

Click here to view the embedded video.

100 Greatest Hits of YouTube in 4 Minutes. Check out the YouTube description for the complete list of videos. The song is “M.A.D” by Hadouken.

And for those clicking impaired, here are the videos…

FOAR EVERYWUN FRUM BOXXY
George Bush shoe attack
Zidane headbutt
Sneezing Panda
Inspired Bicycles – Danny MacAskill April 2009
Man Dominates Exercise Ball
Exercise Ball Compilation People Getting Hit owned funny
Boogie Board Faceplant
fat girl on treadmill
keyboard cat
fire baseball
Soccer goalie is hit in head by rebounding ball
Break dance accident
Billy’s Balls 2
OK Go – Here It Goes Again
Treadmill Fail
Extreme Caterpillar Breakdance
Fat Woman Falls off Table
Monkey Business: Monkeys as waiters in japan
Christian the Lion- Reunion!
Rick Astley – Never Gonna Give You Up
Amateur – Lasse Gjertsen
stealth cat
Dramatic Chipmunk
Bizkit the Sleepwalking Running Dog
close landing
waterslide jump
MEGAWOOSH – Bruno Kammerl jumps
Diet Coke + Mentos
star wars kid
backflip fail
afro ninja
Guys backflip into jeans
Jumping From 50 Meters High To Water.
Diving Fail
Will It Blend? – iPhone3G
Guiness World Record for most T-Shirts worn at one time.
Shoes the full version
Fat Kid Falls in River
Nattliv – Swedish hostess throws up on live TV!
hey marine
david after dentist
leave britney spears alone
Best Sex Ever
charlie bit my finger
Laughing Baby
Kassie Kicks Monsters Ass
Victory Fail
balcony jump failed
Boxer Hits Himself In The Face
leeroy jenkins
Jumpstyle duo by Jumpforce
Beyonce Single Ladies Dance
breakdancing baby
Tokyo Dance Trooper in Shibuya
break dance
Ridiculously Hot LATINA girl dancing, not asian!
Susan boyle
Hardstyle Republic
dubstep dance
the evolution of dance
Barack Obama on Ellen
Crush On Obama
Where the hell is matt?
“Thriller” (original upload)